John Brown’s alive, and lives in hope
To live by the bell, when thou diest by the rope.
1162. A gentleman bought some articles upon trust at a shop, promising
the master that he would owe him so much money for them; the tradesman
was therewith contented, but finding that the gentleman delayed the
payment, he demanded his money. The gentleman told him he had not
promised to pay him; he had, indeed, promised to owe him so much money,
and he would in no way break from his word, which, if he paid him, he
must do.
1163. One asked why B stood before C? Because, said another, a man must
B, before he can C.
1164. How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet, said
D’Orsay to Alvanley the other day? An L long to be sure, was the answer.
1165. One said, physicians had the best of it, because they lived by
other men’s pains―meaning the griefs and diseases of their patients.
1166. One was saying, he wondered why the people in Ethiopia did not
write straight along as the northern people do; he was answered, it was
no wonder, for they write under the line, and that is the reason.
1167. The Lord Cecil (who was rather crooked) having gone to much
expense in building a superb house, an ingenious architect viewing it
room after room, said, there was one great fault committed, which could
not be amended. He was desired to explain himself. Why, there is not one
room in this house in which his lordship can stand upright.
1168. A gentleman being entreated to stand godfather to one of his
tenant’s children, granted the request, having no children of his own.
The child, growing up, he was sent to visit his godfather, in the hopes
he would do something for him. Upon his arrival his godfather asked him
how his father and mother did? Very well in health, replied the child,
but my father has so many children, he can hardly provide bread for us.
Child, was the answer, God never sends mouths but he sends meat. It may
be so, godfather, answered the child, but I think God has sent the
mouths to our house, and the meat to you. This witty answer so pleased
the old gentleman, that he took the child and brought him up as his own.
1169. Glovers get their living by cutting purses, and yet are never
punished for it.
1170. King James removing once from Whitehall to Greenwich house, to
take his pleasure, the constables were commanded to guard several
passages, to hinder the concourse of people flocking thither: amongst
many gentlemen stopped was one rather meanly dressed, who was asked to
what lord he belonged? To the Lord Jehovah, he readily answered. The
wise constable not catching the meaning, asked his companions if they
knew any such lord. To which they replied, There is none such belonging
to the court. The constable, unwilling to give offence, replied, Well, I
believe it is some Scotch lord or other, so let him pass.
1171. A person holding an argument with a grocer concerning matters of
trade, the grocer’s wife bid him give over arguing, for she was sure her
husband could show a thousand reasons [raisins] to his one.
1172. One said painters were cunning fellows, for they had a colour for
everything they did.
1173. Mr. Derrick being asked his opinion of a young rake at Bath, who
went under the denomination of a knowing one, said, he did not pretend
to any great skill in physiognomy, but he believed he could venture to
pronounce that the young gentleman would one day be fixed in a very
exalted station.
1174. At a general hunting in Cornwall, which is still observed twice a
year, when also there is great wrestling and cudgel playing, a clergyman
happened to be among the multitude, and for reproving a fellow for
swearing, got his head cut by a stone flung at him by the man, which
some that stood by seeing, said, Come, sir, we’ll go along with you to a
justice. No, said the minister, truly I think there is much more need to
go with me to a surgeon.
1175. A gentleman of good estate, who, it seems, hated tobacco, and
hearing that his eldest son did take it, though not in his presence, he
told him, if he knew that he took tobacco he would disinherit him.
Truly, father, said he, they that told you so were mistaken; for before
I will take any tobacco I’ll see it all on fire. Sayest thou so, my boy!
cried the old gentleman, I’ll give thee five hundred a year the more for
that.
1176. A crafty fellow being extremely in debt, and being threatened by
his creditors that they would have him if he was above ground, got
himself into a cellar, and there lay with the tapster, and being
reproved for so doing, he said there was no fear of his being caught
there, because he was under ground, and they dared not break their
oaths, as they swore they would have him if above ground.
1177. The French ambassador being at dinner with King James, the king,
in mirth, drank a health to him, saying, “The King of France drinks a
health to the French King.” Upon which, the French ambassador suddenly
replied, The king, my master, is a good lieutenant, for he holds France
well for you. No, said the king, he holds it from me. Truly, sir,
replied the ambassador, it is no further from you than it was.
1178. A humorous country knight gave his man that waited on him this
charge: that he should never say anything to him but what he asked him;
a little after he invited two gentlemen to his child’s christening; his
man accordingly went to them and acquainted them with it; they bid him
thank his master, but to let him know they were pre-engaged, and could
not come that day; the knight waited an hour later than ordinary for
their coming, but seeing they came not, he asked his man if he had
spoken to them? Yes, replied he, but they said they could not come. You
rogue, why did you not tell me so before? Why, truly, sir, said he, you
did not ask me.
1179. One speaking of the burning of the streets of London, at the great
fire, said Cannon Street roared, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Bread
Street was burnt to a coal, Ironmonger Lane became red hot, Snow Hill
was melted down, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Creed Lane would not
believe it till it came, and Pudding Lane and Pye Corner were
over-baked.
1180. A cobbler, sitting in his stall, offended a gentleman who was
passing by: Sirrah, said the gentleman, you are a rascal, and if you
come out I will give you a kick. Thank you, said the cobbler, if you
would give me two I would not come out.
1181. A schoolmaster was always dictating to his scholars that H was no
letter; soon after, he called out to one of the boys, and bid him heat
the caudle; and when he asked for it, the scholar told him he had done
with the caudle as he bid him. What’s that? said the master, Why, sir,
replied the boy, I did eat it. Sirrah, said he, I bid you heat it, with
an _h_. Yes, sir, I did eat it with bread, as there is no _h_.
1182. Pride and Hewson, two Oliverian colonels, the first a drayman and
the other a cobbler, being met together, began joking one with the
other. Pride told Hewson, he saw a piece of cobbler’s wax sticking upon
his scarlet cloak. Poh, said Hewson, a handful of brewer’s grains will
scour it off presently.
1183. Some gentlemen were sitting in a coffee-house together, one was
asking what news there was? The other told him, There were forty
thousand men rose that day,―which made them all stare, and ask him to
what end they rose, and what they intended? Why faith, said he, only to
go to bed at night again.
1184. In the time of the Rump, two Rump parliament men being in a boat,
said one of them, You watermen are hypocrites; for you row one way and
look another. O sir, said one of the watermen, we have not plyed so long
at Westminster, but we have learned something of our masters, that is,
to pretend one thing and act another.
1185. A person hiring a lodging, said to the landlady, I assure you,
madam, I am so much liked, that I never left a lodging but my landlady
shed tears. Perhaps, said she, you always go away without paying.
1186. An alehouse girl took it into her head to be catechised at church.
The parson asked her what was her name? La, sir, said she, how can you
pretend not to know my name, when you come to our house so often, and
cry, ten times in an evening, Nan, you slut, bring us another pot!
1187. Smiths, of all the handicraft men, are the most irregular; for
they never think themselves better employed, than when they are at their
vices.
1188. A child of one of the crew of his majesty’s ship Peacock, during
the action with the United States vessel, Hornet, amused himself with
chasing a goat between decks. Not in the least terrified by the
destruction and death all around him, he persisted, till a cannon-ball
came and took off both the hind legs of the goat, when seeing her
disabled, he jumped astride, crying, Now I’ve caught you.
1189. Charles the Second asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that
he preached in general without book, but always read the sermons which
he delivered before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of
seeing before him so great and wise a prince, made him afraid to trust
himself. But will your majesty, continued he, permit me to ask you a
question in my turn? Why do you read your speeches in parliament? Why,
doctor, replied the king, I’ll tell you very candidly. I have asked them
so often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face!
1190. The late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek
out for a new laundress, a decent looking woman was recommended for the
situation. But, said the housekeeper, I am afraid she will not suit your
royal highness; as she is a soldier’s wife, and these people are
generally loose characters. What is it you say? said the duke, who had
just entered the room―a soldier’s wife! Pray, madam, what is your
mistress? I desire, that the woman may be immediately engaged.
1191. A man that had been terribly troubled with lawsuits, went one day
to Tyburn to see an execution, and then swore ’twas better to have to do
with Tyburn than Westminster Hall; for there, suits hang half a year,
but at Tyburn, half an hour’s hanging ends all.
1192. Some men sitting drinking together, were praising the ale about
England, as Hull ale, Margate ale, Cheshire ale, and Lambeth ale. One
said there was in London to his knowledge the best in all England; and
yet, said another, there’s as good ale in England, as in London.
1193. A notorious cunning thief, upon being taken up, applied for a
peace warrant against the justice,―as, he said, he stood in fear of his
life from him.
1194. A country gentleman asked a wise man, when he saw a fellow abuse
and sneer at him, Why he did not return it. Why truly, said he, I think
I should do very indiscreetly in so doing; for if an ass kicks you, do
you kick him again?
1195. A man, in a bitter cold night, was passing through the street, and
seeing all a-bed, and no candle in any window, bethought himself of this
project; up and down he went crying, Fire, fire, fire! which made
several come to their windows. They asked him where it was? he replied,
That was just what he wanted to know, for he was devilish cold.
1196. Some apprentices in London being about to act a play one
Christmas, when they were perfect, went to a grave citizen, and
requested him to lend them his clothes to act a play in. No, said he,
nobody shall play the fool in my clothes but myself.
1197. At a certain battle, a Spanish cardinal went in among the
soldiers, and advised them not to spare their lives, but to exert their
utmost courage, promising them a remission of all their sins, and that
those who died in battle should dine with the angels in Paradise; and
having thus reconciled them, he was about to retire from the field,
which one of the soldiers perceiving, said to him, And will you not stay
and dine with us in Paradise? To which the valiant cardinal replied, His
dinner hour was later.
1198. The bishop of the diocese in which Dornfront in Normandy is
situated, understanding that the curates within his diocese exacted too
much from their parishioners, made a table to regulate the fees for
baptism, marriages, and burials; but the curate of Dornfront would not
baptize under double the sum limited by the table; whereupon, complaint
being made to the bishop, he was summoned to appear before his diocesan,
and for his defence, he alleged, that he baptized all, but seldom buried
any, for that as soon as they came to be of age, they were generally
carried to Rouen to be hanged for false witnesses; so that by this
means, he was deprived of the fees for interment. But he would agree,
that if any were buried in the parish, he would undertake to do it for
nothing; and to prove his statement correct, he produced a list of two
hundred he had baptized, of which more than one hundred and eighty had
been hanged. The bishop, upon the aforesaid consideration, ordered the
poor curate to pay himself for the burials at the time of baptism.
1199. ― was but of little stature, and dining one day at the royal
table, with two scholars, both large men, the king sent him a dish with
two large fishes and one small one, bidding him to divide them between
himself and the two scholars; upon which, ― laid the two large fishes
in his own plate, and sent the small one to the two scholars. His
majesty laughing, said, Faith, you are no equal divider. That is your
majesty’s mistake, said he, and pointing to himself and the two great
fishes, said, Here are two great and one little, and on the other side
are one little and two great.
1200. A Franciscan one day mounted on a showy horse, was met by a
burgess, who reminded him, that being of the order of St. Francis, he
was obliged by vow to follow him, but he went on foot, and you are on
horseback. Alas! replied the friar, you have reason to say I ought to
follow the holy founder of our order, but ’tis so long since he went
before, that it is impossible to overtake him on foot, and it will be
hard to do it on horseback, unless I spur along.
1201. Dominico, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, fixed
his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, who was fond of his acting,
said, Give that dish to Dominico. And the partridges too, sire? Louis,
penetrating into the artfulness of the question, replied, And the
partridges too. The dish was gold.
1202. A fool being at church at vespers, and observing that as soon as
one of the priests began the office, all the rest fell a singing,
presently ran to him and gave him a sound cuff on the ear, saying, We
should have been quiet enough, if this brawling fellow had not begun to
cry first.
1203. Admiral Duncan’s address to the officers who came on board his
ship for instructions, previous to the engagement with Admiral de
Winter, was both laconic and humorous―Gentlemen, you see a severe
Winter approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire.
1204. Johnson did not like to be over-fondled: when a certain gentleman
out-acted his part in this way, he is said to have demanded of him, What
provokes your risibility, sir? Have I said anything that you understand?
If I have, I ask pardon of the rest of the company.
1205. A lady meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired,
Well, Mary, where do you live now? Please, Ma’am, I don’t live nowhere
now, rejoined the girl, I’m married!
1206. A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate
the jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the
Latin motto of “_Quid rides_.” Two sailors who had often used his shop,
seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the
inscription, when his companion said it was plain enough, repeating them
as two English words, Quid rides.
1207. Two gentlemen passing a blackberry-bush when the fruit was unripe,
one said it was ridiculous to call them black berries, when they were
red. Don’t you know, said his friend, that blackberries are always red
when they are green!
1208. An Athenian, who wanted eloquence, but was very brave, when
another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got
up, and said, Men of Athens, all that he has said, I will do.
1209. Louis XII. being at his castle of Plassey, near Tours, went one
evening into the kitchen, where he found a boy turning the spit. The lad
had something in his countenance which prepossessed the king in his
favour, and he demanded who he was. The boy, not knowing the king,
replied with simplicity, that his name was Stephen―that he came from
Berri―and that he gained as much as the king. How much gains the king?
demanded Louis, with some degree of astonishment. His expenses, said the
boy, and I gain mine. This answer so much pleased the monarch, that he
appointed him one of the valets-de-chambre.
1210. When Pope Clement XIV. (Ganganelli) ascended the papal chair, the
ambassadors of the different states waited on him with congratulations:
when they were introduced, they bowed, and he returned the compliment by
bowing likewise; the master of the ceremonies told his holiness he
should not have returned their salute. O, I beg your pardon, said the
pontiff, I have not been pope long enough to forget good manners.
1211. It was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other
persons’ tables, that he never opened his mouth but at somebody’s
expense.
1212. A link-boy asked Dr. Burgess, the preacher, if he would have a
light? No, child, said the doctor, I am one of the lights of the world.
I wish then, replied the boy, you were hung up at the end of our alley,
for we live in a terrible dark one.
1213. Two very honest fellows, who dealt in brooms, meeting one day in
the street, one asked the other, how he could afford to under sell him
everywhere as he did, when he stole the stuff, and made the brooms
himself? Why, you silly dog, answered the other, I steal them ready
made.
1214. Two sporting men discoursing about a horse that had lost a race,
one of them, by way of apology, observed, That the cause of it was an
accident, his running against a waggon; to which the other, who affected
not to understand him, archly replied, Why, what else was he fit to run
against?
1215. A fellow stole Lord Chatham’s large gouty shoes: his servant not
finding them, began to curse the thief. Never mind, said his lordship,
all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him!
1216. Sir Isaac Newton, one evening in winter, feeling it extremely
cold, instinctively drew his chair very close to the grate, in which a
fire had been recently lighted. By degrees, the fire being burnt up, Sir
Isaac began to feel the heat intolerably intense, and rang his bell with
unusual violence. John was not at hand; he at last made his appearance,
by the time Sir Isaac was almost literally roasted. Remove the grate,
you lazy rascal! exclaimed Sir Isaac, in a tone of irritation very
uncommon with that amiable and placid philosopher; remove the grate, ere
I am burned to death? Please your honour, might you not rather draw back
your chair? said John, a little waggishly. Upon my word, said Sir Isaac,
smiling, I never thought of that.
1217. A judge, on passing sentence of death upon an Irishman, said as
usual, I have nothing now to do but to pass the dreadful sentence of the
law upon you. Oh, don’t trouble yourself on my account, interrupted Pat.
I must do my duty, resumed the judge:―you must go from hence to the
place of execution, where you are to be hanged by your neck till you are
dead; and the Lord have mercy on your soul! I am much obliged to you,
said the prisoner, but I never heard of any one thriving after your
prayers.
1218. Triboulet, the fool of Francis the First, was threatened with
death by a man in power, of whom he had been speaking disrespectfully;
and he applied to the king for protection. Be satisfied, said the king;
if any man shall put you to death, I will order him to be hanged a
quarter of an hour after. Ah, Sir! replied Triboulet, I should be much
obliged, if your Majesty would order him to be hanged a quarter of an
hour before.
1219. An Irishman, having bought a sheep’s head, had been to a friend
for a direction to dress it. As he was returning, repeating the method,
and holding his purchase under his arm, a dog snatched it, and ran away.
Now, my dear joy, said the Irishman, what a fool you make of yourself!
what use will it be to you, as you don’t know how it is to be dressed?
1220. A penurious citizen, who used to feed his apprentices with nothing
but lights and livers, and such like trash, having appointed to meet one
of his men in the fields, the fellow came to him with a heavy clog upon
his neck; his master asking him his reason for so doing, he answered
him, That he had fed so long on lights, that he was forced to carry that
weight about him, lest the air should blow him away.
1221. Dryden’s wife complained to him that he was always reading, and
took little notice of her: I wish, said she, that I was a book, and then
I should enjoy more of your company. Yes, my dear, replied Dryden, I
wish you were a book―but an almanack, I mean, for then I should change
you every year.
1222. Two gentlemen having wagered upon the number of characteristic
specimens of native brilliancy they should encounter in a rural
excursion, one of them thus addressed a stone-breaker on the road:―My
good fellow, were the devil to come now, which of us two would he carry
away? After a little hesitation, that savoured of unexpected dulness,
the man modestly lifting up his eyes from his work, answered, Me, sir.
Annoyed by the stolidity of this reply, the querist pressed him for a
reason: Because, your honour, he would be glad of the opportunity to
catch myself―he could have you at any time.
1223. A gentleman meeting another upon the high road, riding upon an
exceedingly lean horse, and with a great stick by his side, asked the
reason why he was so armed: he replied, That it was to defend his person
and keep off false knaves. But, sir, said he, in my mind you had better
have ridden with a gun. Why so? said the horseman. To keep away the
crows, who are waiting to prey upon the carrion you are riding upon.
1224. When Brummell retired to France, he was altogether ignorant of
French, and obtained a grammar for the purpose of study. Scrope Davies
being asked what progress he had made, replied, That Brummell had been
stopped like Bonaparte in Russia, by the elements.
1225. A thatcher being at work upon a cold Christmas Eve, and beating
his arms about his ribs to warm himself, a fellow passing by, observed
it, and said, You have but cold working there on the edge of the house.
’Tis very true, answered the old man, for I have wrought on a hundred
Christmas Eves, and if I said a hundred more, I think I should not be
wrong, and yet I vow I never felt such a cold one before.
1226. One going into Smithfield on a market-day, called to a
horse-courser aloud, and said, Prithee, friend, how go horses to-day?
Marry, as you see―some amble, some trot, some gallop.
1227. A pleasant fellow willing to put off a lame horse, rode him from
the Sun Tavern, Cripplegate, to the Sun in Holborn, and the next day
offered to sell him in Smithfield; a bidder asking why the horse looked
so lean? was answered, It was no marvel, as he rode him yesterday from
Sun to Sun, and never drew bit.
1228. One entering of a cold morning into a tavern with his friend,
called to the waiter to have a fire quickly made, who brought wet
faggots, which were long in kindling, making only a smothering smoke,
while the sap fired apace out of the faggots; which observing, he said,
I now perceive, and never knew before, from whence the river of Styx was
derived.
1229. One meeting a drunkard reeling in the street, bade him stand up
like a man; who answered him, That for his own part, he could stand well
enough, but he could not make his shoes stand.
1230. A country farmer’s wife in the north, having a nice lad for her
son, about seven years old, bid him fetch home the kine from the field,
to be milked in the yard; there were six in number. The boy went as bid,
and drove home but five. Marry, said his mother, what’s become of the
sixth? She is turned down that deep dirty lane where I could not come at
her, and I think she is going to the devil. To the devil! said the
mother; nay, then stay, Bob, thy father shall go, as he has boots on.
1231. There was a man whose nose leaned more towards one side than the
other; a friend disposed to have a laugh with him, said, I know what
your nose is not made of, and I know of what it is. First, I can assure
you, it is not made of wheat, and secondly, I will be fudged by all the
company, if it be not made a-rye.
1232. A traveller reported to be drowned, a friend of his being in
company, when the letters came that brought the first news of his death,
fetched a deep sigh, with these words, God rest his soul, for he has
gone the way of all flesh. Nay, said another then standing by, if he is
drowned, he has gone the way of all fish.
1233. One of the great stone letters fell from the top of Northampton
House and dashed out a scholar’s brains. It happened not long after,
that a good honest fellow, who could neither read nor write, being in
company with three or four very ingenious gentlemen, upon a sudden broke
out into a deep melancholy, and said, Well, I thank God I can neither
read nor write. One of the others smiling, replied, You speak strangely,
for I and the rest here thank God we can do both. All’s one for that,
said he, yet let myself and others be thankful we can do neither. They
asked his reason; he gave them this explanation, Because, said he, we
can walk the street with a security that you bookmen cannot. They
desired him to explain himself. Why, said he, if one letter falling from
the top of a house, had the power to knock out the brains of a scholar,
what safety should we live in, to be troubled with four and twenty
letters? Now, thank heaven, I have nothing to do with letters, and I
cannot see that letters have anything to do with me.
1234. Two country fellows meeting at an assizes in the country, one
asked the other, What news, and how many were condemned to suffer? The
other answered, This hath been the strangest session that ever was in my
time; I have not known the like, for there is no execution at all; and
is it not worth observation, that so many justices should sit on the
bench, and not one thought proper to be hanged?
1235. Miss Pope was one evening in the green-room, commenting on the
excellencies of Garrick, when, amongst other things, she said, he had
the most wonderful eye imaginable―an eye, to use a vulgar phrase, that
would penetrate through a deal board. Ay, cried Wewitzer, I now
understand what they call a gimlet eye.
1236. A worthy gentleman and good scholar had been a long time in
disgrace with Queen Elizabeth, the reason I know not, nor am willing to
examine; but a friend of his, who was in great favour at court,
persuaded the queen to give him an audience. The time came, and after
the customary introduction, the queen said, I understand you are a great
scholar; may I ask you one question? Anything, madam, said he, that I am
capable of resolving. Then pray you, how many vowels are there? Madam,
that is a question a schoolboy can resolve, but since you would be
answered by me, there are five. Five, said her majesty―well, of these
five, which can we best spare? Not any of them, madam, replied he,
without corrupting our natural dialect. Yes, replied the queen, I can
tell you, for of all these, we can (for our own part) best spare _u_
[you].
1237. One gentleman objecting to another, that he was the first of his
house, the other answered, That I am the first of my house, is so much
more to my honour―you are likely to be the last of yours.
1238. One thinking with barbarous Latin to confound a scholar, came and
saluted him in these words, _Ars tu fons_, art thou well? To whom the
scholar quickly, _Asinus fons asinus tu_, that is, as well as you.
1239. Two fellows purposing a journey, hired a horse betwixt them, to
ride by turns; the one laid down half the hire, and called upon his
partner for the other half, which he willingly paid; which being done,
said he, Mark the conditions between us, which are these―when I ride,
then you shall go on foot; and when you go on foot, then I shall ride;
that is the condition―will you stand to it? Yes, with all my heart,
said the other. So the first mounted and rode the whole journey, and
left the other to come on foot after him.
1240. A sleepy waiter, sitting asleep under the pulpit, the preacher
beating his desk so hard, that he being suddenly awakened, cried out in
a loud voice, Coming, sir, coming.
1241. Two gentlemen having quarrelled in a passage, one of them, wishing
to make his escape from the house, asked, How shall I get by you? Get by
me! replied the other, what did I ever get by you?
1242. I am going to write a work upon Popular Ignorance, said a young
man to a much older person: I know no one more competent, was the reply.
1243. Walpole once persuaded Mrs. Kerwood not to go home by water,
because it would be damp after the rain.
1244. Lord Hartington asked the Governor of Rome, what they had
determined about the vessel that the Spaniards had taken under the
cannon of Civita Vecchia, whether they had restored it to the English?
The governor said, They had done justice. His lordship replied, If you
had not, we should have done it ourselves.
1245. The late Duchess of Bolton resolved upon going to China, when
Whiston told her the world would be burnt in three years.
1246. A gentleman coming into a church, where was none of the best music
in the world, hearing them sing, “Have mercy upon us miserable sinners.”
Ay, said he, they might very well have said, Have mercy upon us
miserable singers.
1247. A humorous schoolmaster, one morning as he was washing his hands,
called one of his higher boys to him, and said, Here boy, what is the
Latin for a ladder? The youth answered, _Scala_. Fye, fye, quoth the
schoolmaster, what an _asinego_ you are! prithee tell me, what is the
Latin for a lad? _Adolescens_, replied the boy. Very well, and cannot
you form the comparative degree of that? _Adolescentior_, said the boy.
Ay, ay, now thou hast done it like a scholar indeed.
1248. A country baker having occasion to call at the house of a certain
justice of the peace, as he was riding out through a great court, saw a
parcel of fat geese, and, catching up one, whipped it into his basket.
The justice by chance espying him from one of the windows, called after
him, saying, Bak-er, bak-er. To which the baker replied, I will, sir, I
will, sir, and rode away as fast as he could. Some days after, the
justice sent a warrant for him, and demanded of him how he dare carry
away his goose in that manner? To which he replied, I have done nothing
but what your worship commanded me, for your worship bid me bake-her,
and that I have done in a good pie, and drank your worship’s health at
the eating of it. The justice, for the jest’s sake, excused the baker.
1249. A Welchman having been to London, his friends, according to
custom, on his return, demanded of him what news? He answered, That he
knew little news; he had only observed one strange thing there, that
every little boy of five or six years old could speak English perfectly,
which he thought very strange; because, in his country, they learn to
speak it, as in England they learn to speak French.
1250. A ship being in a storm at sea, was in great danger; whereupon,
the captain commanded every man to throw into the sea his heaviest
things. A passenger, who had his wife, then offered to throw her
overboard; but the crew saved her, and asked him whether he was mad to
try and throw her overboard; who answered, She is the heaviest thing I
have, and I can best spare her. I assure you, she has long been a heavy
burthen to me; I pray, therefore, let me throw her over.
1251. A talking barber once asked a gentleman in what fashion he would
be trimmed, In silence, was the reply.
1252. It is related of a well-known magistrate of times past, that being
often deceived by false rumours of Queen Elizabeth’s death, he protested
that he would never believe she was dead, until he saw it under her own
hand.
1253. A good fellow having tippled rather too liberally, and his head
being fuller of liquor than discretion, as he went along the streets,
happened in the dark to run against a post; and he, conceiving it to
have been some man that had affronted him, fell upon the post with his
fists, and of course soon beat off all the skin from his knuckles. One
coming by, demanded of him, what was the matter? Why, said he, I have
met here with a rascal who jostled me, and will not suffer me to pass
quietly by him. Alas, see, said the other, you are mistaken, it is a
post. A post! said he, why then he should have blown his horn.
1254. A cook of one of the colleges at Cambridge, serving up dinner,
gave to one of the assistants a neat’s tongue to put upon the table; the
fellow not having firm hold of the dish, let it fall to the ground, so
that it was not fit for serving, whereat the cook was very angry; the
poor fellow begged the cook not to be so very angry, it was but a
_lapsus linguae_.
1255. Two or three gentlemen visiting a citizen, he, at their departure,
asked them if they would please to take a glass of beer, apologizing for
its being small beer, but such as contented him and his family; they
accepted it, saying, it was no matter for the smallness, so it were
fresh. One of them tasting it, the other asked him if the beer was
fresh. Yes, quoth he, I assure you it is fresh, as if it had been all
night in water.
1256. At a general assizes in Queen Elizabeth’s days, two plain country
fellows having some business there, were gazing upon the bench, until
the time they should be called, discoursing betwixt themselves, said the
one to the other, I much wonder at one thing, and would gladly be
resolved thereof: the other demanding of him what it was he wished to
know, was answered, I have often mused with myself, why all the judges
go shaven, and there is no appearance of a beard to be seen amongst them
all. To which the other replied, Neighbour, that is a doubt which is
easily decided; for in this place they ought to wear no beards, for you
ought to know they represent her majesty.
1257. In many towns of this kingdom, mechanics are often made mayors.
Amongst others, one who was elected to that office, thought it would be
but becoming that his wife should be dressed according to the dignity of
the situation, and accordingly ordered her new apparel from top to toe;
she not accustomed to such gaiety, was not a little proud, and coming
somewhat late to church, at the moment when the auditory rose up for the
reverence of the gospel, which she mistaking, and thinking it had been
done to her, said aloud, I thank you all, my good friends and
neighbours, I shall not be unmindful of this courtesy.
1258. A person being asked the reason why his head was so intermixed
with white hairs, that it was indeed quite grey, and that not one could
be seen in his beard, answered, It is no wonder, the hair of my head is
older than that of my beard by twenty years.
1259. The parson of a country village, visiting one of his sick
parishioners, among other comforting words, said to him, Be of good
cheer, my good friend, for I hope thou wilt be carried into Paradise. To
which the sick man replied, Your speech is comforting to me, for if the
way is long, I should never be able to walk there.
1260. Two country fellows falling out, were at very hot words, insomuch
that one gave the other the lie, who taking it in great disgrace, bent
his fist and threatened revenge; the other, knowing himself unable to
grapple with him, denied his words; in conclusion, the defendant was so
pressed, that in plain terms he gave him the lie, saying, Thou liest to
say I gave thee the lie. To which the other answered, It is well now at
last that thou hast given me satisfaction.
1261. A country fellow had an idle housewife, who would do nothing but
sit before the fire, and suffer everything to go to sixes and sevens;
coming one day from his labour, and finding her sitting as customary,
lolling by the fire, he took up a stick, and began to cudgel her
soundly; at which she cried out, Alas, husband, what do you mean? you
see I am doing nothing, I am doing nothing. That is the very reason why
I am beating you, said he.
1262. A person who had a great shrew for his wife, in one of the
quarrels, got so enraged, that he could not contain himself, but
snatched up a flagon that happened to be near, and gave her a very deep
wound on her head, the cost of curing which was very considerable. This
woman sitting at another time among her gossips, said openly, My husband
does not dare to break my head any more, he paid so dearly for the last
cure. This being told to the husband, he sent for the apothecary and
surgeon, and, calling for his wife, when they arrived, he paid each of
them their bill, and also gave them money in advance, in earnest of the
next cure she might require. We need not say, the husband was not
further annoyed.
1263. An Irishman said to his companions on Christmas Eve, he did not
mean to have a plum-pudding for dinner next day. Why so? asked they.
Och, I have raisons for it. Then you did intend it, since you have got
the _raisins_.
1264. A gentleman passing in dirty weather through a street in which the
pavement had been broken up, got bespattered with mud―on looking about
him in his distress, he saw written up on a board, “No
thorough-fare”―Egad, said he, they may well say that; for I have proved
it _thorough foul_.
1265. A distinguished gentleman, whose nose and chin are both very long,
and who has lost his teeth, whereby the nose and chin are brought very
close together, was told, I am afraid your nose and chin will fight
before long, they approach each other so very menacingly. I was afraid
of it myself, replied the gentleman, for a good many words have passed
between them already.
1266. A servant, near Limerick, at the time that everybody was required
to deliver in their arms, wrote to his master at Dublin, that he had
secured the fire arms, having sent all the pokers and tongs to the
barracks.
1267. A young lady at the Exhibition at the Suffolk Street Gallery,
looking at a subject of still life,―plates, dishes, &c., asked the
gentleman who accompanied her, to look in the catalogue and see what it
was; he replied, A study. Why, goodness, said she, I took it for a
kitchen!
1268. A fine ship was lately launched, at which Sir Henry Tempest
attended. A wag observed, What a pity it is, that a tempest should
accompany such a launch.
1269. On the expulsion of Mr. Jones from the Irish House of Commons, a
punning wag remarked, that this was not In-I-go Jones―but Out-I-go
Jones.
1270. Of a person as remarkable for his irregularity as for his musical
talents, it was aptly remarked, that the whole tenor of his conduct was
thorough base.
1271. A fashionable Irish gentleman having made a purchase of Hume’s
History of England, went into a bookseller’s shop to have it most
elegantly bound. What binding would you like best? asked the bookseller,
would you like it bound in Russia? In Russia! exclaimed the man of
fashion; Oh, no, no, that is too far off, I’d rather have it bound in
Bond Street.
1272. A very corpulent gentleman travelling in the north, was walking
backwards and forwards in front of an inn, while the horses were
changing. One of the gapers, an inhabitant of the place, had a mind to
be witty: viewing the gentleman’s person, he accosted him with―I see,
sir, you carry your portmanteau before ye. Certainly, said he, I always
think it requisite to have it under my eye, when passing through a
suspicious looking place.
1273. Grattan being asked his opinion of the valour of a certain
captain, who from excess of feeling put up with a severe castigation,
replied, That he thought it odd, for to his knowledge the captain had
fought. Who, who? cried his informant. Shy, said the witty barrister.
1274. A trader in Dublin, said one day to his friend, I will be ruined.
I am sorry for it, said the other, but if you will be ruined, you know
no one can prevent it.
1275. A gentleman being much pressed in company to sing a song, observed
pettishly, That they only wanted to make a butt of him. By no means, my
dear fellow, rejoined one of his tormentors, we only want to get a stave
out of you.
1276. A Welchman coming to London to pursue a suit at law, chanced to
steal a sow, for which he was taken and burnt in the hand. His friends
asked him, when he arrived home, How the law went with him? Priddie
well, said he, for hur has got hur in hur hand.
1277. What did Mr. King die of? asked a simple neighbour. Of a
complication of disorders, replied his friend. How do you describe a
complication, my good sir? He died, rejoined the other, of two
physicians, an apothecary, and a surgeon.
1278. Parson Hawkins passing the River Wye, to Biford, where he lived,
had with him one Bartholomew Herring, who, being heavy laden, fell over
the side of the boat into the river; Hawkins cried out, Save the man,
save the man. Herring answered, Hold your tongue, am I not in my
element!
1279. Serjeant Hoskins having married an old widow, and being asked by a
companion of his, Why he did not marry a young woman? answered, He had a
maxim for it in his accidence, In _legendis veteribus proficiscis_, [In
reading old authors thou dost profit.]
1280. A young man walking along Cheapside, espied a house shut up, with
a bill over the door, showing that the house and shop were to be let. He
asked a person at the next door, If the shop might be let alone? Yes,
replied the other, you may let it alone, for anything I know.
1281. A gownsman at Cambridge was once bargaining with Fordham for a
horse; the latter was taken suddenly very ill and died; there were very
few pounds between them in respect to the price. The gownsman, not
knowing what had occurred, called next morning at the yard, and asked to
see Mr. Fordham. Master, sir, said the ostler, is dead, but he left word
you should have the horse.
1282. A caravan of wild beasts arriving lately in an American village,
the elephant was accommodated in a large carriage-house―where, it
appeared, a tall two-fisted negro from the country, who had never seen
or heard of an elephant, had lain down to sleep. On waking, blacky was
not a little astonished at his strange bed-fellow. What could it be? The
devil! The huge mass moved, when lo, a tail at both ends put an end to
all doubt, and, with one despairing leap, he was out of the loft window,
without once calculating upon the chance of breaking his neck. In the
fulness of his astonishment and joy at his escape, he could tell no more
of the occasion of his alarm, than of a devil with two tails, and
describe in his best way, an extending, contracting, flexible tail, that
no distance could secure you from.
1283. The following anecdote is related of Lessing, the German author,
who, in his old age, was subject to extraordinary fits of abstraction.
On his return home one evening, after he had knocked at his door, the
servant looked out of the window to see who was there; not recognizing
his master in the dark, and mistaking him for a stranger, he called out,
The Professor is not at home. Oh, very well, replied Lessing, no matter,
I will call another time; and very composedly walked away.
1284. A young clergyman finding it impossible to provide for his family
with his very slender income, wrote to his friend―Dear Frank, I must
part with my living to save my life.
1285. A bookseller in Paris being lately asked for a copy of the
‘Constitution of 1814,’ replied―Sir, I keep no periodicals.
1286. A lecturer on the history of chemistry, thus described the
celebrated Mr. Boyle: He was a great man, a very great man; he was
father of modern chemistry, and brother of the Earl of Cork.
_A Receipt to make an Epigram._