303. A merry droll servant, who lived with a lady that was just on the

point of matrimony, being sent with a How-d’ye-do to an acquaintance of

hers, who lived a few miles off, was asked how his lady did? Ah, dear

madam, replied the fellow, she can never live long in this condition.

304. ’Twas a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who being asked,

Where her husband was, when he lay concealed for having been deeply

concerned in a conspiracy? resolutely answered, She had hid him. This

confession drew her before the king, who told her, Nothing but her

discovering where her lord was concealed, could save her from the

torture. And will that do? said the lady. Yes, said the king, I give you

my word for it. Then, said she, I have hid him in my heart, there you’ll

find him.

305. An English gentleman travelling to France, had made choice of an

abbé as reckless as himself, for the companion of his pleasures. One of

his countrymen told him, That though the abbé and he differed about the

way to heaven, they were in a fair way of going to the devil together.

306. A petulant self-willed coxcomb was threatening, if his humour was

not gratified, to leave his relations and family and go away to France.

Let him alone, said one, he will come back from France, before he gets

half way to Dover.

307. A countryman in the street inquiring the way to Newgate, an arch

fellow that heard him, said, he’d show him presently. Do but go across

the way, said he, to yon goldsmith’s shop, and move off with one of

those silver tankards, and it will bring you thither presently.

308. Men sometimes blurt out very unlucky truths. A town beggar was very

importunate with a rich miser, whom he accosted in the following phrase:

Pray, sir, bestow your charity; good, dear sir, bestow your charity.

Prithee, friend, be quiet, replied old Gripus, I have it not.

309. A certain priest in a rich abbey in Florence, being a fisherman’s

son, caused a net to be spread every day, on a table in his apartment,

to put him in mind of his origin: the abbot dying, this dissembled

humility procured him to be chosen abbot; after which, the net was used

no more. Being asked the reason, he answered, There is no occasion for

the net now the fish is caught.

310. A farmer who had a very great name in the country for his dexterity

in manly exercises, such as wrestling, throwing the bar, and the like,

drew upon himself many occasions to try his skill, with such as came far

and near to challenge him: among the rest, a conceited fellow rode a

great way to visit this champion, and being told that he was in his

ground behind the house, he alighted, and walked with his horse’s bridle

in his hand, till he came where he found him at work; so hanging the

bridle upon the pales, he accosted him thus: That having heard much of

his fame, he had come forty miles to try a fall with him. The champion,

without more words, came up to him, and closing with him, took him upon

such an advantageous lock, that he pitched him clean over the pales;

with a great deal of unconcern, he took up his spade, and fell to work

again: the fellow getting upon his legs again, as nimbly as he could,

called to speak to him. Well, said the champion, have you any more to

say to me? No, no, replied the fellow, only to desire you would be so

kind as throw my horse after me.

311. A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle the philosopher one day

with a tedious discourse, and observing that he did not much regard him,

made an apology, That he was afraid he had interrupted him. No, really,

replied the philosopher, you have not interrupted me at all, for I have

not minded one word you said.

312. Two conceited coxcombs wrangling and exposing one another before

company, one told them, That they had both done like wits: for wits,

said he, never give over till they prove one another fools.

313. A lawyer and a physician having a dispute about precedence,

referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favour of the lawyer, in these

terms: Let the thief go before, and the executioner follow.

314. A person having two very graceless sons, the one robbed him of his

money, and the other of his goods: His neighbour coming to condole with

him, told him, He might sue the county, for he had been robbed between

son and son.

315. A person speaking to the Earl of C―d of the false taste of

several people of quality, and their ignorance in many things that they

pretend to understand; Why, said my Lord, most of our people of quality

judge of everything by their ears but the opera, and that they go to

see.

316. A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors’

ears―Farewell, said one, there is so much of mine gone with him. And he

carried so much of mine, said another. One hearing them make their

several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that though a man can carry

nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of

other men’s.

317. Three young conceited wits, as they thought themselves, passing

along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they

had a mind to be rudely merry; Good morrow, father Abraham, said one:

Good morrow, father Isaac, said the next: Good morrow, father Jacob,

cried the last. I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, replied the old

gentleman, but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father’s

asses, and lo! here I have found them.

318. An ingenious young gentleman at the University of Oxford, being

appointed to preach before the Vice Chancellor, and the heads of the

colleges, at St. Mary’s, and having formerly observed the drowsiness of

the Vice Chancellor, took this place of scripture for his text: “What!

cannot ye watch one hour?” At every division he concluded with his text;

which by reason of the Vice Chancellor sitting so near the pulpit, often

awaked him. This was so noted among the wits, that it was the talk of

the whole University, and withal it so nettled the Vice Chancellor, that

he complained to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who, willing to redress

him, sent for this scholar up to London, to defend himself against the

crime laid to his charge; where coming, he gave so many proofs of his

extraordinary wit, that the Archbishop enjoined him to preach before

King James. After some excuses, he at length consented; and coming into

the pulpit, began, “James the First, and the Sixth, waver not”; meaning

the first king of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the king

was somewhat amazed at the text, but in the end was so well pleased with

his sermon, that he made him one of his chaplains in ordinary. After

this advancement, the Archbishop sent him down to Oxford to make his

recantation to the Vice Chancellor, and to take leave of the University,

which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the verse of the

former text, “Sleep on now and take your rest”: concluding his sermon,

he made his apology to the Vice Chancellor, Whereas I said before, which

gave offence, What! cannot ye watch one hour? I say now, Sleep on and

take your rest―and so left the University.

319. A plain country fellow, born in Essex, coming to London, which

place he had never seen before, as he walked in a certain street, not a

great way from Mark Lane, espied a rope hanging at a merchant’s door,

with a handle to it; and wondering what it meant, he took it in his

hand, and played with it to and fro; at length, pulling it hard, he

heard a bell ring; it so happened, that the merchant, being near the

door, went himself, and demanded what the fellow would have. Nothing,

sir, said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your

door. What countryman are you? said the merchant. An Essex man, an’t

please you, replied the other. I thought so, replied the merchant, for I

have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there

presently comes forth a calf. It may be so, replied the countryman, and

I think a man can no sooner ring a bell in London, but out pops a

donkey.

320. A young man married to an ill-tempered woman, who, not contented,

though he was very kind to her, made continual complaints to her father,

to the great grief of both families; the husband being no longer able to

endure this strange humour, beat her soundly. Hereupon she complained to

her father, who understanding well the perverseness of her humour, took

her to task, and laced her soundly too; saying, Go, and commend me to

your husband, and tell him, I am now even with him, for I have cudgelled

his wife, as he hath beaten my daughter.

321. A fellow hearing one say, according to the Italian proverb, That

three women make a market with their chattering; Nay, then, said he, add

my wife to them, and they will make a fair.

322. A scholar, in College Hall, declaiming, having a bad memory, was at

a stand; whereupon in a low voice, he desired one that stood close by,

to help him out: No, said the other, methinks you are out enough

already.

323. A gentleman riding near the forest of Which-wood, in Oxfordshire,

asked a fellow, What that wood was called; he said, Which-wood, sir: Why

that wood, said the gentleman. Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, I tell

thee;―he still said Which-wood. I think, said the gentleman, thou art

as senseless as the wood that grows there. It may be so, replied the

other, but you know not Which-wood.

324. A physician was wont to say, when he met a friend, I am glad to see

you well. In troth, sir, said one, I think you do but dissemble, for the

world always goes ill with you, when it goes well with your friends.

325. A gentleman falling to decay, shifted where he could; among the

rest, he visited an old acquaintance, and stayed with him seven or eight

days, in which time the man began to be weary of his guest, and to be

rid of him, feigned a falling out with his wife, by which means their

fare was very slender. The gentleman perceiving their drift, but not

knowing whither to go to better himself, told them, He had been there

seven days, and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before; and

that he was resolved to stay seven weeks longer, but he would see them

friends again.

326. A gentleman who loved everything that was foreign, and was

extremely fond of hard names, dining at a friend’s house, asked him,

What the name of the wine was, of which he had just drank a glass at

table; his friend, knowing that it was but indifferent, and recollecting

that he had bought it at the Stocks Market, told him, it was the true

Stoko Marketto; upon which he found the wine excellent, and gave it

great encomiums.

327. A knavish attorney asking a very worthy gentleman, what was

honesty? What is that to you? said he; meddle with those things that

concern you.

328. A simple bumpkin, coming to London, was very much taken with the

sight of a chair, or sedan, and bargained with the chairmen to carry him

to a place he named. The chairmen, observing the curiosity of the clown

to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, privately took out the

bottom of the chair, and then put him into it, which when they took up,

the countryman’s feet were upon the ground, and as the chairmen

advanced, so did he; and to make the better sport, if any place was

dirtier in the way than the rest, that they chose to go through; the

countryman not knowing but others used to be carried, or rather driven

in the same manner, coming to his lodgings, gave them their demand.

Returning into the country, he related what rare things he had seen in

London, and withal, that he been conveyed in a sedan: Sedan, quoth one,

what is that? Why, said he, like our watch-house, only it is covered

with leather; but were it not for the name of a sedan, a man might as

well walk on foot.

329. An ignorant clown, who had the reputation of being a great scholar

in the country, because he could read and write, coming to London, and

inquiring into all the strange things he saw, at last read on a

sign-post, Horses to be let, 1748. Well, said he, if there are so many

horses in one inn, how many are there in the whole city?

330. One reading a witty preface before a dull book, said, he wondered

how such a preface came to be matched so preposterously to such a book.

In truth, sir, said another, I see no reason why they may not be

matched, for I’m sure they are not at all a-kin.

331. A person not belonging to Merton College, put his horse in a field

thereunto appertaining; being warned of so doing, and he taking no

notice thereof, the master of that College sent his man to him, bidding

him say, if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail. Say

you so? said the person: go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse’s

tail, I will cut off his ears. The servant returning, told his master

what he said; whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who

appearing, the master said, How now, sir! what mean you by the menace

you sent me? Sir, said the other, I threatened you not, for I only said,

if you cut off my horse’s tail, I would cut off his ears.

332. One seeing a scholar that looked very much a-squint, Sure, said he,

this man must be more learned than his fellows, for with one cast of his

eyes he can read both sides of the book at once.

333. A youth standing by whilst his father was at play, observing him to

lose a great deal of money, burst into tears; his father asked him the

reason why he wept? Oh, sir, I have heard that Alexander the Great wept

when he heard his father Philip had conquered a great many towns,

cities, and countries, fearing that he would leave him nothing to win;

but I wept the contrary way, fearing you will leave me nothing to lose.

334. A rich citizen of London, in his will, left something considerable

to Christ’s Hospital, but little or nothing to one of his extravagant

sons. At the funeral, the Blue-coat boys were ordered, in acknowledgment

of so great a gift, to sing before the corpse to the grave. As they

marched through Cheapside, this extravagant son led his mother, who

observing the boys made a rest, he opened his pipes in such a manner,

that he was heard almost from one end of the street to the other; and

still leading his mother, he continued thus singing, ’till a kinsman

came to him, and stopping his mouth, asked him his reason for his

irreverent and indecent carriage. Why, cousin, quoth this Ne’er-be-good,

the boys there at my father’s death sing for something, and won’t you

let me sing for nothing?

335. The famous Mr. Amner going through a street in Windsor, two boys

looked out of a one-pair of stairs window, and cried, There goes Mr.

Amner that makes so many bulls. He hearing them, looked up saying, You

rascals, I know you well enough, and if I had you here, I’d kick you

down stairs.

336. The same gentleman crossing the water in a ferry-boat at Datchet,

the good man of the ferry being from home, his wife did his office; and

not putting in the boat just at the landing place, Mr. Amner at his

landing sunk into the mud over his shoes; and going a little farther he

met with a friend, who asked, How he came so dirty? Egad, replied Mr.

Amner, no man was ever so abused as I have been; for coming over Datchet

ferry, a scurvy woman waterman put over his boat and landed me clean in

the mire.

337. A poor woman in the country sent her son to a gentleman’s house,

upon some errand or other. The loitering lad stayed somewhat too long,

looking upon a dog in the wheel that turned the spit; so that when he

came home, his mother beat him soundly: execution ended, the boy told

her, If she had been there, she would have stayed as long as he; and she

demanding the reason, he said, Oh, mother, it would have done you good

to have seen how daintily a dog in a wheel spun roast meat.

338. In Flanders, by accident, a Flemish tiler falling from the top of a

house upon a Spaniard, killed him, though he escaped himself. The next

of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence against the tiler;

and when he was offered pecuniary recompence, nothing would serve him

but _lex talionis_. Whereupon, the judge said unto him, That if he did

urge that kind of sentence, it must be, that he should go up to the top

of the same house, and from thence fall down upon the tiler.

339. A lord intended to take in a great part of the common belonging to

the town, and he agreed with a carpenter to have it railed in: My lord,

said he, it shall be done, and I think I can save you some charges in

the business; For, said he, do you but get posts, and I doubt not but

all the neighbors round about will find you railing enough.

340. A brave Dutch captain being commanded by his colonel to go on a

dangerous exploit against the French, with forces that were unlikely to

achieve the enterprise, the captain advised his colonel to send but half

so many men: Send but half so many men! why so? said the colonel.

Because, replied the captain, they are enough to be knocked on the head.

341. A fellow hearing the drums beat up for volunteers for France, in

the expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and

thereupon listed himself; returning again, he was asked by his friends,

What exploits he had done there? He said, That he had cut off one of the

enemy’s legs; and being told that it had been more honourable and manly

to have cut off his head; Oh, said he, you must know his head was cut

off before.

342. A person of quality coming into a church, at the place where

several of his ancestors were buried, after he had said much in their

commendation and praised them for worthy men; Well, said he, I am

resolved, if I live, to be buried as near them as possible.

343. An Irishman having been obliged to live with his master some time

in Scotland; when he came home again, some of his companions asked him,

How he liked Scotland? I will tell you now, said he, I was sick all de

while I was dere, and if I had lived dere till this time, I had been

dead a year ago.

344. A certain duchess, in a late reign, hearing that a man in a high

office, which gave him an opportunity of handling much cash, had married

his mistress; Good Lord, said she, that old fellow is always robbing the

public.

345. A book being published in Queen Elizabeth’s time that gave her much

offence, she asked Bacon if he could find no treason in it? No, madam,

said he, but abundance of felony, for the author hath stolen half his

conceits out of Tacitus.

346. A young lady being sick, a physician was sent for to feel her

pulse; she being very coy, and loth he should touch her skin, pulled her

sleeve over her hand; the doctor observing it, took a corner of his

coat, and laid it upon the sleeve; at which a lady that stood by

wondered: O, madam, said he, a linen pulse must always have a woollen

physician.

347. Tom Clarke, of St. John’s, desired a fellow of the same college to

lend him Bishop Burnet’s History of the Reformation; the other told him,

He could not spare it out of his chamber, but, if he pleased, he might

come there and read it all day long. Some time after the same gentleman

sent to Tom to borrow his bellows: Tom sent him word, that he could not

possibly spare them out of his chamber, but he might come there and use

them all day long if he would.

348. King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the

doctor is said to have strutted through his school with his hat upon his

head, while his majesty walked complaisantly behind him, with his hat

under his arm; but, when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor

with great humility addressed him thus: Sire, I hope your majesty will

excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there

was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to

rule them.

349. Dr. Hickringal, who was one of King Charles the Second’s chaplains,

whenever he preached before his majesty, was sure to tell him of his

faults, and to scold him from the pulpit very severely. One day his

majesty, walking in the Mall, observed the doctor before him, and sent

to speak to him; when he came,―Doctor, said the king, What have I done

to you that you are always quarreling with me? I hope your majesty is

not angry with me, quoth the doctor, for telling the truth. No, no, said

the king, but I would have us for the future be friends. Well, well,

quoth the doctor, I’ll make it up with your majesty on these terms, as

you mend, I’ll mend.

350. In a little country town, it happened that the ’squire of the

parish’s lady came to church after her lying-in, to return thanks, or as

it is commonly called, to be churched: The parson aiming to be

complaisant, and thinking plain ‘woman’ a little too familiar, instead

of saying, O Lord, save this woman; said, O Lord, save this lady. The

clerk, resolving not to be behindhand with him, answered, Who putteth

her ladyship’s trust in thee.

351. One of King James the First’s chaplains preaching before the court

at Whitehall, made use of the following quibbles in his discourse.

Speaking of the depravity of the age, Almost all-houses, he said, were

made ale-houses;―that men made matri-money a matter of money; and

placed their Para-dise in a pair of dice: Was it so in the days of

No-ah? Ah, no.

352. The Rev. Mr. Henley waiting one day at Sir Robert Walpole’s levee,

was asked by the knight what brought him there? The orator replied, I

hear you want a good pen. No, said Sir Robert, I don’t. Then, said the

orator, I have a bad one, which perhaps you may not like. Well, said the

knight, if it is very bad, I must get one of the Secretaries of State to

mend it.

353. Several press-gangs infesting the streets of the city and suburbs,

one of which giving umbrage to a merry punster, who had just staggered

from a tavern into the middle of them: he said pleasantly enough, God

bless his majesty’s arms! But as to the supporters, they are beasts.

354. It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson to King William, when

he complained of the shortness of his sermon: Sir, said the bishop,

could I have bestowed more time on it, it would have been shorter.

355. Mr. Prior, when ambassador, witnessing one of the French operas at

Paris, and seated in a box with a nobleman he was free with, who, as

usual in France, sung louder than the performer, burst into bitter

invectives against the latter; upon which his lordship gave over to

inquire the reason, adding, that the person he exclaimed against so

fiercely, was one of the finest voices they had. Yes, replied his

excellency, but he makes such a horrid noise, that I can’t have the

pleasure to hear your lordship.

356. A living of 500_l._ per annum, falling in the gift of the late Lord

Chancellor Talbot, Sir Robert Walpole recommended one of his friends as

very deserving of the benefice, whom his lordship approved of. In the

interim, the curate, who had served the last incumbent many years for a

poor 30_l._ per annum, came up with a petition, signed by many of the

inhabitants, testifying his good behaviour, setting forth that he had a

wife and seven children to maintain, and begging his lordship would

stand his friend, that he might be continued in his curacy; and, in

consideration of his large family, if he could prevail with the next

incumbent to add 10_l._ a year, he should for ever pray for him. His

lordship, according to his usual goodness, promised to use his utmost

endeavours to serve him; and the reverend gentleman, for whom the living

was designed, coming soon after to pay his respects, my lord told him

the affair of the curate, with this difference only, that he should

allow him 60_l._ a year instead of 30_l._ The clergyman in some

confusion, replied, He was sorry that he could not grant his request,

for that he had promised the curacy to another, and could not go from

his word. How! said the nobleman, have you promised the curacy before

you were possessed of the living? Well, to keep your word with your

friend, if you please, I’ll give him the curacy, but the living, I

assure you, I’ll give to another: and saying this he left him. The next

day the poor curate coming to know his destiny, my lord told him, That

he had used his endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but with no

success, the reverend gentleman having disposed of it before. The

curate, with a deep sigh, returned his lordship thanks for his goodness,

and was going to withdraw, when my lord calling him back, said with a

smile, Well, my friend, ’tis true, I have it not in my power to give you

the curacy; but if you will accept of the living ’tis at your service.

357. The same noble lord, when he was under the tuition of the Reverend

―, who used to call him his little chancellor, one day replied, that

when he was so he would give him a good living. One happening to become

vacant soon after he was chancellor, he recollected his promise, and

ordered the presentation to be filled up for his old master, who soon

after came to his lordship to remind him of his promise, and to ask him

for the living. Why, really, said my lord, I wish you had come a day

sooner, but I have given it away already, and when you see to whom, I

dare say you will not think me to blame.

358. A country curate being one Friday in Lent to examine his young

catechumens, and the bell tolling for prayers, he was obliged to leave a

game of all-fours unfinished, in which he had the advantage; but told

his antagonist he would soon dispatch his audience, and see him out. Now

for fear any tricks should be played with the cards in his absence, he

put them in his cassock; and asking one of the children how many

commandments there were, which the boy not readily answering, by

accident one of the cards dropped out of his sleeve; he had the presence

of mind to bid the boy take it up, and tell him what card it was; which

he readily did: when turning to the parents of the child, Are you not

ashamed, said he, to pay so little regard to the eternal welfare of your

children, as not to teach them their commandments? I suspected your

neglect, and brought this card with me, to detect your immorality, in

teaching your children to know their cards before their commandments.

359. Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, he was asked to stay to

dinner; which he accepting, the gentleman stepped into the next room,

and told his wife he had invited the doctor to dinner, and desired her

to provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmur and

scold, and make a thousand words, till at last her husband, being very

much provoked at her behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the

stranger in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. Upon which

the doctor, who had heard all that passed, immediately stepped out,

crying, I beg, sir, you’ll make no stranger of me.

360. A woman of bad character who had lived in Clerkenwell, having left

by her will a handsome sum of money to be given to the Rev. Dr. Lee, to

preach her funeral sermon, but on condition that he should say nothing

but what was well of her. Her executors accordingly waited on the

doctor, and acquainted him with the conditions of the will; who being

very much surprised at such a request, desired them to call again, and

he would consider of it. Soon after they came again when he agreed that

on the money being paid directly, he would preach the following Sunday.

The doctor kept his word, and taking the text, “Blessed are they,” &c.,

made an excellent sermon on a well-spent life, and the reward they would

have in the next world; concluding, Dear friends, said he, as for the

deceased, of whom I am now going to speak (which caused great attention

from the congregation), all I shall say of her is, that she was born at

Camberwell, lived great part of her time in Bridewell, and died in

Clerkenwell, and at last has done well; then let us pray that she may

fare well, &c., &c.

361. The Rev. Mr. B―n coming from Holland with the King, a terrible

hurricane arising, the sloop was in great danger of being lost. The

facetious Mr. B―d, of Albemarle-street, being in the cabin with him,

and very willing to prepare himself for another world, desired him to

take notice, that if they were cast away, the shirt he had on belonged

to Mr. G―, and that he might have it again; then falling on his

knees, he attempted to rehearse the Lord’s Prayer, but with such a tone

as affrighted the ship’s crew; on which the captain running down,

desired him to pray to himself; and to his great surprise found the

doctor stripping himself: Pray, doctor, said he, what do you design to

do? Oh, said he, let him pray; I design to swim for my life.

362. The Lord Chief Justice Wh―d, of the King’s Bench in Ireland, being

esteemed a very able lawyer, and Judge C―d and B―t but very

indifferent ones; Well, said an attorney of that court, no bench was

ever supplied like ours, for we have got a hundred judges upon it. A

hundred! said another, how can that be? Why, replied the other, there is

a figure of one, and two ciphers.

363. One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster, in Ireland, coming

into an inn, desired the landlord to lend him a hand to pull off his

great coat: Indeed, sir, said he, I dare not. Dare not! replied the

other, what do you mean by that? You know, sir, answered he, there is an

act of parliament against stripping of Ash.

364. King Charles the Second, after the Restoration, told Waller the

poet, that he had made better verses and said finer things of Cromwell

than of him. That may very well be, replied Waller, for poets generally

succeed better in imaginary things, than in real ones.

365. An honest French dragoon in the service of Louis the Fourteenth,

having caught a man of whom he was jealous in the room with his wife,

after some words, told him, he would let him escape that time; but if

ever he found him there again, he’d throw his hat out of the window.

Notwithstanding this terrible threat, in a very few days he caught the

spark in the same place, and was as good as his word. Knowing what he

had done, he posted away to a place where the king was, and throwing

himself at his majesty’s feet, implored his pardon. The king asked him

what his offence was? he told him the story, and how he had thrown the

man’s hat out of the window. Well, well, said the king, laughing, I very

readily forgive you; considering your provocation, I think you were much

in the right to throw his hat out of the window. Yes, and may it please

you, my liege, said the dragoon, but his head was in it. Was it so?

replied the king: well, my word is passed.

366. A young and learned gentleman, who was to preach a probation sermon

for a very good lectureship in the city, and had but a bad voice, though

otherwise an excellent preacher; a friend, when he came out of the

pulpit, wished him joy, and said he would certainly carry the election,

for he had nobody’s voice against him but his own.

367. Some repartees, strictly speaking, ought not to be brought under

the head of jests, yet, for the readiness of the thought, and the

politeness of the expression, are somewhat better. Of this sort was the

answer made by Sir Robert Sutton to the late King of Prussia, on his

asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers, if he would say an equal

number of Englishmen could beat them? No, sire, answered Sir Robert, I

won’t pretend to say that, but I believe half the number would try.

368. Sir John H. C. being in the Court of Requests one morning, soon

after Sir Rob. W― had married Miss S―, and overhearing him tell a

gentleman, who congratulated him upon that occasion, that he was glad

his friends were pleased with what he had done―Ay, and so are your

enemies too, said he.

369. The Earl of C―d, notwithstanding his great good nature, upon

some provocation was, at a certain time, forced to lay his cane across

the shoulders of Sir Harry ―, who took it very patiently. Some time

after, Sir Harry himself caned a fellow, who was a great coward: upon

which, my lord meeting him the next day, told him he was glad to hear he

behaved so gallantly yesterday. Ay, my lord, said he, you and I know

whom we beat.

370. The Cardinal de Retz being out of favour at court, and at last

recalled to kiss the King’s hand, the king said to him, Your eminence’s

hair is grown quite white. To which he replied, It would make a younger

man than I am look grey, to have been so long in disgrace with your

majesty as I have.

371. Upon the death of the famous Molière, a poet waiting with his

epitaph upon the Prince of Condé, the Prince told him, he should have

been much better pleased, if Molière had brought him his.

372. A bishop going in great haste to Rome, to be cardinalized, missed

his promotion, and returned; but got a violent cold by the way: It is no

wonder, said one that was told of it, since he came so far without his

hat.

373. A gentleman being very drunk, came to a friend’s house, and told

him, he came three miles on purpose to sup with him: to which the other

answered, He was greatly obliged to him, since he came so far to see him

before he came to himself.

374. A Scotch parson in the rump-time, in his babbling prayer, said,

Laird bless the grand council, the parliament, and grant they may all

hang together. A country-fellow standing by, said, Yes, yes, with all my

heart, and the sooner the better; and I am sure it is the prayers of all

good people. But friends, said Sawney, I don’t mean as that fellow

means, but pray they may all hang together in accord and concord. No

matter what cord, replied the other, so it is but a strong cord.

375. An honest highlander, walking along Holborn, heard a voice cry,

Rogue, Scot; Rogue, Scot; his northern blood fired at the insult, he

drew his broadsword, looking round him on every side, to discover the

object of his indignation; he at last found that it came from a parrot,

perched in a balcony within his reach; but the generous Scot, disdaining

to stain his trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword

again, with a sour smile, saying, Gin ye were a mon, as ye’re a green

geuse, I would split your ween.

376. The Rev. Mr. Brodie preaching one day at the kirk in Edinburgh on

hell torments, represented them to be intolerable, by the extreme cold

they suffered there. And it being at that time very cold weather, one of

his congregation, after sermon, took upon him to ask him the reason of

his so doing, when all the eminent divines had preached it up to be the

reverse. O sir, said he, I had good reason; for if I had told them it

was hot, I should have had them all run away to warm themselves.

377. An Irishman having a looking-glass in his hand, shut his eyes, and

placed it before his face; another asking him, Why he did so? Upon my

shoul, said Teague, it is to see how I look when I am asleep.

378. Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them,

said one, There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw. She hearing him,

turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, I wish I could, in

return, say as much by you. So you may, madam, said he, and tell a

falsehood as I did.

379. An impudent ridiculous fellow, being laughed at by all who came in

his company, told some of his acquaintance, that he had a happy quality

of laughing at all who laughed at him. Then, said one of them, you lead

the merriest life of any man in Christendom.

380. Alexander the Great asked Dionedes, a famous pirate, who was

brought prisoner to him, why he was so bold as to rob and plunder in his

seas? he answered, That he did it for his profit, and as Alexander

himself was used to do it. But because I do it with one single galley, I

am called a pirate; but you, sire, who do it with a great army, are

called a king. This bold answer so pleased Alexander, that he set him at

liberty.

381. A ploughman seeing the Archbishop of Cologne go by, attended by a

great many soldiers, laughed; the archbishop pressed him to know the

reason: It is because I wonder, said the ploughman, to see an archbishop

armed and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers, like a general of

an army. Friend, replied the archbishop, in my church I perform the part

of an archbishop with my clergy; but in the field I march like a duke,

accompanied by my soldiers. I understand you, my lord, answered the

peasant; but pray tell me, when my lord duke goes to the devil, what

will then become of my lord the archbishop?

382. The Duke of Guise, after a battle fought between Francis I. and

Charles V. reproached Villandry, that though he was in complete armour,

yet he had not been seen in the fight. I’ll make it out, answered

Villandry, boldly, that I was there, and in a place where you durst not

be seen. The duke nettled at this reproach, threatened to punish him

severely; but he appeased him with these words: I, my lord, was with the

baggage, where your courage would not suffer you to go.

383. Hermon was so covetous, according to the testimony of Lucilius,

that dreaming one night that he had spent some money, he hanged himself

in the morning; but Dinarchee Philo quitted the design he had once taken

to hang himself, because he grudged the expense of a rope.

384. Dr. M―d coming out of Tom’s coffee-house, an impudent broken

apothecary met him at the door, and accosted him with a request to lend

him five guineas: Sir, said the doctor, I am surprised that you should

apply to me for such a favour; who do not know you! Oh, dear sir,

replied the apothecary, it is for that very reason; for those who do

won’t lend me a farthing.

385. An old superstitious Roman, who had his buskins rateaten, consulted

Cato, in a grave manner, what such an accident might portend. Cato bid

him set his mind at rest, for there would come no mischief from it. But,

said the philosopher, if your buskins had eaten the rats, it might have

been dangerous.

386. Philip, king of Macedon, after the battle of Cheronea, having

generously set all the Athenian prisoners free, upon their

unconscionably demanding their baggage, Sure, said he, the men fancy we

had but a mock fight.

387. An archbishop finding fault with some actions of Queen Elizabeth,

brought her good arguments out of the scriptures to prove, that they

favoured more of the politician than the christian. I see, said she, my

lord, you have read the scriptures, but not the book of Kings.

388. In a visit Queen Elizabeth made to the famous Lord Chancellor

Bacon, at a small country seat, which he had built for himself before

his preferment; she asked him, how it came that he had made himself so

small a house? It is not I, madam, answered he, who have made my house

too small for myself, but your majesty, who has made me too big for my

house.

389. Some person praising a generous prince for virtues he had not;

Well, said he, I’ll do my utmost to hinder your telling an untruth.

390. King William III. being upon a march for some secret expedition,

was entreated by a general to tell him what his design was: the king,

instead of answering him, asked him, whether, in case he should tell

him, he could keep it a secret, and would let it go no farther; the

general promised it should not. Well, answered his majesty, I know how

to keep a secret as well as you.

391. Mr. T―s C―r, the comedian, coming one day to his father, begged

him to let him have a hundred pounds, which would make him perfectly

easy in his affairs. Why, then, said the father, it is very strange you

can’t live upon your salary, your benefit, and other advantages; when I

was of your age, I never spent any of my father’s money. I do not know

that, answered the son, but I am sure you have spent a great many

hundred pounds of my father’s money.

392. An ordinary country fellow being called as an evidence in a court

of judicature, in a cause where the terms of mortgager and mortgagee

were frequently used, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the

difference between the mortgager and mortgagee: Yes, said he, it is the

same as between the nodder and noddee. How is that? replied the judge.

Why, you sit there, my lord, said the clown, and I nod at you; then I am

the nodder, and your lordship is the noddee.

393. Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why he looked so sad? I

have very good reasons for it, answered the other; poor Jack Such-a-one,

the greatest crony and best friend I had in the world, was hanged but

two days ago. What had he done? said the first. Alas, replied the other,

he did no more than you or I would have done on the like occasion; he

found a bridle in the road, and took it up. What! answered the other,

hang a man for taking a bridle! That’s hard indeed. To tell the truth of

the matter, said the other, there was a horse at the end of it.

394. It was a fine saying of my lord Russell, who was beheaded in the

reign of King Charles II., when on the scaffold, he delivered his watch

to Dr. Gilbert Burnet, afterwards bishop of Salisbury: Here, sir, said

he, take this, it shows time: I am going into eternity, and shall have

no longer any need of it.

395. Queen Elizabeth, having taken notice of the Duke de Villa Medina’s

gallant behaviour at a tournament, told him one day, that she would

absolutely know who his mistress was: Villa Medina excused himself

awhile, but at last yielding to her curiosity, he promised to send her

her picture. The next morning he sent her majesty a packet; wherein the

Queen finding nothing but a small looking-glass, presently understood

the Spaniard’s meaning.

396. A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand

that was all black; Take off your glove, friend, said the judge to him.

Put on your spectacles, my lord, answered the dyer.

397. A sober young woman, who was treating with a maidservant about work

and wages, asked her, among other questions, what religion she was of?

Alack-a-day, madam, said the poor innocent girl, I never trouble my head

about that; for religion, I thought, was only for gentlefolks.

398. Admiral Chatillon being on a holiday gone to hear mass in the

Dominican friars’ chapel, a poor fellow begged his charity, just as he

was most intent on his devotions. He felt in his pocket, and gave him

several pieces of gold, without counting them, or minding what they

were. The considerable alms so dazzled the beggar’s eyes, that he was

amazed at it. As M. Chatillon was going out of the church door, where

the poor man waited for him; Sir, said he, showing him what he had given

him, I cannot tell whether you intended to give me so large a sum; if

not, I am very ready to return it. The admiral, wondering at the honesty

of the man, said, I did not, indeed, honest man, intend to have given

you so much; but, since you have the generosity to offer to return it, I

will have the generosity to desire you to keep it, and there are five

pieces more for you.

399. A certain captain, who had made a greater figure than his fortune

could well bear, and the regiment not being paid as was expected, was

forced to put off a great part of his equipage; a few days after, as he

was walking by the roadside, he saw one of his soldiers sitting cleaning

himself under a hedge: What are you doing there, Tom? said the officer.

Why, faith, sir, answered the soldier, I am following your example,

getting rid of part of my retinue.

400. One who had formerly been rich, but had squandered away his estate,

and left himself no furniture in the house but a sorry bed, a little

table, a few broken chairs, and some other odd things, seeing a parcel

of thieves, who knew not his condition, breaking into his house in the

night, he cried out to them, Are not you a pack of fools, to think to

find anything here in the dark, when I can find nothing by daylight?

401. A certain great lord having, by his extravagancies, run himself

over head and ears in debt, and seeming very little concerned about it,

one of his friends told him one day, That he wondered how he could sleep

quietly in his bed, whilst he was so much in debt. For my part, said my

lord, I sleep very well; but I wonder how my creditors can.

402. A bishop of Cervia in Italy came in great haste to the Pope, and

told him, that it was generally reported his holiness had done him the

honour to make him governor of Rome. How, said the Pope, don’t you know

that fame spreads a great many false reports? and I dare say you will

find this one of them.

403. A Gascon, one day reading in company a letter he had just received

from his father, who therein acquainted him, that he was threatened with

an assessment, which would be very hard upon him, whose whole estate was

not above two hundred livres per annum. This sum was written in figures,

thus (200). But the Gascon reading two thousand instead of two hundred,

a lady that stood behind him, and read the letter without uttering a

word, so that he could not perceive her, hearing him say two thousand;

Hold, hold, sir, said she, there are but two hundred. Let me be hanged,

said he, turning about to her, if the coxcomb, meaning his father, has

not forgot a cipher.

404. Another Gascon officer, who had served under Henry IV. King of

France, and not having received any pay for a considerable time, came to

the king, and confidently said to him, Sire, three words with your

majesty: Money or discharge. Four with you, answered his majesty:

Neither one nor t’other.

405. A certain Italian having wrote a book upon the art of making gold,

dedicated it to Pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward: His holiness

finding the man constantly following him, at length gave him a large

empty purse, saying, Sir, since you know how to make gold, you can have

no need of anything but a purse to put it in.

406. A countryman seeing a lady in the street in a very odd dress as he

thought, begged her to be pleased to tell him what she called it. The

lady, a little surprised at the question, called him impertinent fellow.

Nay, I hope no offence, madam, cried Hodge, I am a poor countryman, just

going out of town, and my wife always expects I should bring her an

account of the newest fashion, which occasioned my inquiring what you

call this that you wear. It is a sack, said she, in a great pet. I have

heard, replied the countryman (heartily nettled at her behaviour) of a

pig in a poke, but never saw a sow in a sack before.

407. A proud parson, and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd

tending his flock, and having a new coat on, the parson asked him, in a

haughty tone, who gave him that coat? The same, said the shepherd, that

clothed you, the parish. The parson, nettled at this, rode on a little

way, and then bade his man go back, and ask the shepherd if he’d come

and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man going accordingly to

the shepherd, delivered his master’s message, and concluded as he was

ordered, that his master wanted a fool. Why, are you going away then?

said the shepherd. No, answered the other. Then you may tell your

master, replied the shepherd, his living can’t maintain three of us.

408. A lad was running along the gunnel of a ship, with a can of flip in

his hand, of which he was to have part himself, when a cannon ball came

suddenly, and took off one of his legs; Look ye there now, said he, all

the flip’s spilt.

409. Lord Falkland, the author of the play, called The Marriage Night,

was chosen very young to sit in parliament; and when he was first

elected, some of the members opposed his admission, urging, That he had

not sown all his wild oats. Then, replied he, it will be the best way to

sow them in the house, where there are so many geese to pick them up.

410. The Duke of ― asked a friend, Who he thought had undertaken the

most difficult task, Mr. Whiston, in his attempts to discover the

longitude, or Mr. Lisle, to find the philosopher’s stone? The friend

answered, that he could not tell which was the more arduous task of the

two which those gentlemen had undertaken, but he was sure that he had

himself engaged in a much more difficult work than either of them. What

is that? said his grace. I have been these six years endeavouring to

prevail on you to pay your debts, replied the friend.

411. A schoolmaster asking one of his boys, in a sharp wintry morning,

what was Latin for cold, the boy hesitated a little: What, sirrah, said

he, can’t you tell? Yes, yes, replied the boy, I have it at my fingers’

ends.

412. When the gate, which joined to Whitehall, was ordered by the House

of Commons to be pulled down, to make the coach-way more open and

commodious, a member made a motion, that the other which was contiguous

to it, might be taken down at the same time; which was opposed by a

gentleman, who told the house, that he had a very high veneration for

that fabric, that he looked upon it as a noble piece of antiquity; that

he had the honour to have lived by it many years; and therefore humbly

begged the house would continue the honour to him, for it would really

make him unhappy to be deprived of it now. Counsellor Hungerford

seconded the gentleman, and said, ’Twould be a thousand pities, but he

should be indulged to live still by his gate, for he was sure he could

never live by his style.

413. A nobleman having presented King Charles II. with a fine horse, his

majesty bade Killigrew, who was present, tell him his age; whereupon

Killigrew went and examined the tail; What are you doing? said the king,

that is not the place to find out his age. O! sir, said Killigrew, Your

majesty knows one should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

414. A certain poetaster, whose head was full of a play of his own

writing, was explaining the plot and design of it to a courtier. The

scene of it, said he, is in Cappadocia; and, to judge rightly of the

play, a man must transport himself into the country, and get acquainted

with the genius of the people. You say right, answered the courtier, and

I think it would be best to have it acted there.

415. A young man, who was a very great talker, making a bargain with

Isocrates to be taught by him, Isocrates asked double the price that his

other scholars gave him; and the reason, said he, is, that I must teach

thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy tongue.

416. A certain couple going to Dunmow in Essex, to claim the flitch of

bacon, which is to be given to every married pair, who can swear they

had no dispute, nor once repented their bargain in a year and a day, the

steward ready to deliver it, asked where they would put it; the husband

produced a bag, and told him, in that. That, answered the steward, is

not big enough to hold it. So I told my wife, replied the good man; and

I believe we have had a hundred words about it. Ay, said the steward,

but they were not such as will butter any cabbage to eat with this

bacon; and so hung the flitch up again.

417. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by

Tyburn, said the first, This is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a

Garret. You fool, said Garret, don’t you know there must be Chambers

first?

418. Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walking

together, happened to see an owl; said the last, That bird is very much

like a Woodcock. You are very wrong, said the first, for it’s Fuller in

the head, Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over.

419. An arch boy having taken notice of his schoolmaster’s often reading

a chapter in Corinthians, wherein is this sentence, ‘We shall all be

changed in the twinkling of an eye,’ privately erased the letter c in

the word changed. The next time the master read it, we shall all be

hanged in the twinkling of an eye.

420. A certain great man, who had been a furious party man, and most

surprisingly changed sides, by which he obtained a coronet, was soon

after at cards at a place where Lady T―nd was, and complaining in the

midst of the game, that he had a great pain in his side, I thought your

lordship had no side, said she.

421. A gentleman living in Jamaica, not long ago, had a wife not of the

most agreeable humour in the world; however, as an indulgent husband, he

had bought her a fine pad, which soon after gave her a fall that broke

her neck. Another gentleman in the same neighbourhood, blessed likewise

with a termagant spouse, asked the widower, if he would sell his wife’s

pad, for he had a great fancy for it, and he would give him what he

would for it. No, said the other, I don’t care to sell it, for I am not

sure that I shan’t marry again.

422. A scholar of Dr. Busby’s coming into a parlour where the doctor had

laid a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, took it up and said

aloud, I publish the banns between these grapes and my mouth; if any one

knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined

together, let them declare it. The doctor, being but in the next room,

overheard all that was said, and coming into the school, he ordered the

boy who had eaten his grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it,

horsed on another boy’s back; but before he proceeded to the usual

discipline, he cried out aloud, as the delinquent had done: I publish

the banns between my rod and this boy’s breech, if any one knows any

just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together,

let them declare it. I forbid the banns, cried the boy. Why so? said the

doctor. Because the parties are not agreed, replied the boy. Which

answer so pleased the doctor, who loved to find any readiness of wit in

his scholars, that he ordered the boy to be set down.

423. The late Sir Robert Henley, who was commonly pretty much in debt,

walking one day with two or three other gentlemen in the Park, was

accosted by a tradesman, who took him aside for a minute or two, and

when the baronet rejoined his company, he seemed to be in a great

passion, which his friends taking notice of, asked him what was the

matter? Why the rascal, said he, has been dunning me for money I have

owed him these seven years, with as much impudence as if it was a debt

of yesterday.

424. The late Mr. D―t, the player, a man of great humanity, as will

appear by the story, having heard that his landlady’s maid had cut her

throat with one of his razors, of which an account was brought to him

behind scenes at the time of the play; D―t, with great concern and

emotion, cried out, Zoons, I hope it was not with my best razor!

425. Joe Haines, the player, being asked what could transport Mr.

Collier into so blind a zeal for the general suppression of the stage,

when only some particular authors had abused it; whereas the stage, he

could not but know, was generally allowed, when rightly conducted, to be

a delightful method of mending the morals? For that reason, replied

Haines; Collier is, by profession, a moral-mender himself, and two of a

trade, you know, can never agree.

426. Some gentlemen being at a tavern together, for want of better

diversion, one proposed play; but, said another of the company, I have

fourteen good reasons against gaming. What are they? said another. In

the first place, answered he, I have no money. Oh! said the other, if

you had four hundred reasons, you need not name another.

427. A parson, in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap.

viii. 14, ‘And Peter’s wife’s mother lay sick of a fever,’ preached for

three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country

fellows going across the church-yard, and hearing the bell toll, one

asked the other, who it was for? Nay, I can’t tell you; perhaps, replied

he, it is for Peter’s wife’s mother, for she has been sick of a fever

these three weeks.

428. The Hon. Mr. L― one morning, at the late Sir Robert Walpole’s

levee, as I sat by them, asked John Lawton for a pinch of snuff, who

told him he had none in his box, for he seldom took any, but now and

then to keep him awake at church. That, said the other, is the most

improper thing you can do there; for it quite destroys the natural

operation of the sermon.

429. I remember in the reign of the late Queen Anne, when disputes ran

high between Whig and Tory, some persons suffered party to mix in every

their minutest action. A Tory would not cock his hat in the same manner

that a Whig did, nor a Whig lady patch her face on the same side that

the Tory ladies patched theirs. A pleasant instance of this strict

adherence to party in trivial affairs, was Dick W―l, who, being sent to

parliament on the Tory interest, was resolved to do nothing but what was

on that side. The house, a few days after he took his seat in it,

happening to sit late, a motion was made for candles to be brought in,

which being put to the vote, Dick pulled a high-flying member, who sat

near him, by the sleeve, and asked him if candles were for the church?

And being answered in the affirmative, very readily gave his voice for

them, which otherwise he would not have done.

430. A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solomon, eating some Cheshire

cheese full of mites, one night at the tavern: Now, said he, have I done

as much as Sampson, for I have slain my thousands and my ten thousands.

Yes, answered one of the company, and with the same weapon too, the

jawbone of an ass.

431. Poor Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby

captain came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall.

I don’t use to give the wall, said he, to every jackanapes. But I do,

said Joe; and so made way for him.

432. When the late Duke of ― went over as Lord Lieutenant to Ireland,

he took an excellent man cook with him, but they had not been there

above a month, when, finding his grace kept a very scurvy house, he gave

him warning. What’s the reason, said the duke, that you have a mind to

leave me? Why, if I continue with your excellency much longer, answered

the cook, I shall quite forget my trade.

433. A certain officer in the guards telling one night, in company with

Joe Miller, of several wonderful things he had seen abroad, among the

rest he told the company he had seen a pike caught that was six feet

long. That’s a trifle, said Joe, I have seen a half-pike, in England,

longer by a foot, and yet not worth twopence.

434. Jemmy Spiller, another of the jocose comedians, going one day

through Rag Fair, a place where they sell second-hand goods, cheapened a

leg of mutton, he saw hanging up there, at a butcher’s stall. The

butcher told him it was a groat a pound. Are you not an unconscionable

fellow, said Spiller, to ask such a price, when one may have a new one

for the same price in Clare Market?

435. A gentleman having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to

call him the king of fools. I wish, said the fellow one day, you could

make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the

world.

436. A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to

fools and madmen; being asked the reason for so doing: From such, said

he, I had it, and to such I give it again.

437. A thief being brought to Tyburn to be executed, the ordinary of

Newgate, in taking his last confession, asked him if he was not sorry

for having committed the robbery for which he was going to suffer? The

criminal answered, Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having stolen

enough to bribe the jury.

438. A certain poor unfortunate gentleman was so often pulled by the

sleeve by the bailiffs, that he was in continual apprehension of them;

and going one day through Tavistock Street, his coat sleeve happened to

hitch upon the iron spike of one of the rails; whereupon he immediately

turned about in a great surprise, and cried out, At whose suit, sir? at

whose suit?

439. A soldier in the late wars, a little before an engagement, found a

horse-shoe, and stuck it in his girdle; shortly after, in the heat of

the action, a bullet came and hit him upon that part. Well, said he, I

find a little armour will serve a turn, if it be put in the right place.

440. The late famous Arthur Moor, who was much in favor with the Tory

ministry, in the latter part of Queen Anne’s reign, had a lady who was

reckoned a woman of great wit and humour, but of political principles

quite opposite to those of her husband. After the death of the Queen,

when it was talked of as if the late ministers would have been called to

account, my Lord B―ke meeting Mrs. Moor one day, in a visit, Well,

madam, said he, you hear how terribly we are threatened; you’ll come, I

hope, and see me, when I go to Tower Hill? Upon my word, my lord, said

she, I should be extremely glad to do it: but I believe I shall be

engaged another way, for I am told my Snub (the name by which she always

called her husband) will be obliged to go the same day to Tyburn.

441. The same lady, coming home one evening, told her husband she wished

him joy, for she heard he was to be made a lord. (This was before the

death of Queen Anne.) And pray, said he, what did they say was to be my

title? My Lord Tariff, replied she, which was a sneer upon him, for

having been engaged in settling a tariff of trade which he was thought

well skilled in. And why don’t you, when you hear any one abuse your

husband, spit in their face? said he. No, I thank you, answered the

lady, I don’t intend to spit myself into a consumption.

442. The late Sir John Tash was a famous wine-merchant, and sold great

quantities of that liquor, but was supposed to make it chiefly without

much of the juice of the grape; therefore Alderman Parsons meeting him

one day, saluted him by the name of brother brewer. I deal in wine, Mr.

Alderman, said Sir John, and am no brewer. But I know you are, replied

the other, and can brew more by an inch of candle, than I can with a

caldron of coals.

443. A late archbishop having promised one of his chaplains, who was a

favourite, the first good living in his gift, that he should like, and

think worthy his acceptance; soon after hearing of the death of an old

rector, whose parsonage was worth about 300_l._ a year, sent his

chaplain to the place to see how he liked it; the doctor, when he came

back again, thanked his grace for the offer he had made him, but said,

he had met with such an account of the country, and the neighbourhood,

as was not at all agreeable to him, and therefore should be glad, if his

grace pleased, to wait till something else fell. Another vacancy not

long after happening, the archbishop sent him also to view that; but he

returned as before, not satisfied with it, which did not much please his

grace. A third living, much better than either of the others becoming

vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was sent to take a view of that;

and when he came back, Well, now, said my lord, how do you like this

last living? what objection can you have to this? I like the country

very well, my Lord, answered he, and the house, the income, and the

neighbourhood, but― But! replied the archbishop, what but can there

be then? But, my lord, said he, I found the old incumbent smoking his

pipe at the gate of his house.

444. Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer’s wife, and the

other a cheesemonger’s (who perhaps stood more upon the punctilio of

precedence than some of their betters would have done at the court end

of the town) when they had risen up and taken their leaves, the

cheesemonger’s wife was going out of the room first, upon which the

grocer’s lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping

before her, No, madam, said she, nothing comes after cheese.

445. Old Johnson, the player, who was not only a very good actor, but a

good judge of painting, and remarkable for making many dry jokes, was

shown a picture, done by a very indifferent hand, but much commended,

and was asked his opinion of it. Why, truly, said he, the painter is a

very good painter, and observes the Lord’s commandments. What do you

mean by that, Mr. Johnson? said one who stood by. Why, I think, answered

he, that he hath not made to himself the likeness of anything that is in

Heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water

under the earth.

446. A certain noble lord in the county of Hants, who had not much

applied himself to letters, and was remarkable for his ill-spelling,

dining at a neighbouring gentleman’s house, took notice several times,

and commended a snuff-box he made use of; when my lord was gone away,

the gentleman’s wife said to her husband, My dear, you did not observe

how often my lord commended your snuff-box; I dare say he would have

been highly pleased if you had made him an offer of it; if I was you I

would send it after him. The gentleman took his lady’s advice, and the

next morning sent a servant away with a letter, and the snuff-box, as a

present to the lord.―The lady judged right, for my lord was mightily

delighted with it, and returned a most complaisant letter of thanks for

the present, and told the gentleman, in his ill-spelling, that he was

greatly obliged to him, and in a few days would send him an elephant,

(equivalent he would have written). The gentleman, not at all liking my

lord’s proposal, sent his servant with a letter again next day, telling

his lordship, that he was very glad the box was so acceptable to him,

and thanking him for the honour he designed him, but begged he would not

think of sending what he mentioned, for it would not only be attended

with an expense, which he could not very well afford, being such a

devouring animal, but would bring such numbers of people to see it, that

it would make his house a perfect house of call. My lord, a little while

after, meeting the gentleman, told him, he was surprised at his letter,

and could not imagine what he meant by it. The elephant, said he, that

your lordship spoke of sending me. Elephant! said the learned lord, how

could a man of your understanding make such a mistake? I said I would

send you an equivalent. I beg your lordship’s pardon, returned the

gentleman, and am ashamed of being such a dunce that I could not read

your lordship’s letter.

447. Young Griffith Lloyd, of the county of Cardigan, being sent to

Jesus College, Oxford, where he was looked upon as an errant dunce, wore

a calf-skin waistcoat, tanned with the hair on, and trimmed with a broad

gold lace, and gold buttons. One of the Oxonians, an eminent punster,

said, that Griffith was like a dull book, bound in calf-skin, and gilt,

but very ill-lettered.

448. Old G―, the rich miser of Gloucestershire, going home one day,

between Wickivarr and Badminton, the way being greasy, after a shower of

rain, his foot slipped, and he fell off a high bank into a wet ditch,

where he was almost smothered; a countryman, who knew his character,

coming by, he begged him, for God’s sake, to help him. Ay, said the

countryman, give me your hand. _Give_ being a word that old G― had a

great aversion to, cried out, I thank you, honest friend, I will lend

you my hand with all my heart. I have often heard, said the other, that

you would never give anything in your life, so you may lie there; and on

he walked.

449. An old woman at the head of a table, said a satirical young one,

seems to revive the old Grecian custom of serving up a death’s head with

their banquets.

450. The famous Tony Lee, a player in King Charles the Second’s reign,

being killed in a tragedy, having a violent cold, could not forbear

coughing as he lay dead upon the stage, which occasioned a good deal of

laughter and noise in the house; he lifted up his head, and speaking to

the audience, said, This makes good what my poor mother used to tell me;

for she would often say that I should cough in my grade, because I used

to drink in my porridge. This set the house in such good humour, that it

produced a thundering peal of applause, and made every one very readily

pardon the solecism he had before committed.

451. Tom S―, the organist of St. M―, being reckoned to have a fine

finger, drew many people to hear him, whom, he would oftentimes

entertain with a voluntary after evening service, and his auditory

seeming one day greatly delighted with his performance, after the church

was cleared, Adad, sir, said his organ-blower, who was an idiot, I think

we did rarely to-day. We, sirrah! said Tom. Ay, we, to be sure, answered

the other; what would you have done without me? The next Sunday, Tom

sitting down to play, could not make his organ speak, whereupon, calling

to the bellows-blower, asked him what he meant? why he did not blow?

Shall it be we, then? said the other.

452. A certain French gentleman, having been but a very little while in

England, was invited to a friend’s house, where a large bowl of punch

was made, a liquor he had never seen before, and which did not at all

agree with him; but having forgot the name of it, he asked a person the

next day, What dey call a dat liqur in England, which is all de

contradiction; where is de brandy to make it strong, and de vater to

make it small, de sugar to make it sweet, and de lemons to make it

sower. Punch, answered the other, I suppose you mean. Ay, ponche, begar,

cried monsieur, it almost ponche my brain out last night.

453. The famous Captain Fitzpatrick, who married ’Squire Western’s

niece, and was reckoned an excellent hand at making bulls, was walking

one day with two or three ladies, a little way out of West Chester, with

his hat under his arm; the wind blowing very hard, one of the ladies

said, I wonder, captain, you will be so ceremonious to walk bare-headed

in such boisterous weather; pray, sir, put on your hat. Arrah, by my

shoul, dear madam, answered the captain, I have been after trying two or

three times already, and the wind is so high, that I can’t keep my hat

upon my head any longer than ’tis under my arm.

454. The same gentleman being with the aforesaid ladies, in a nobleman’s

garden, where there was a large iron roller, told them, he thought it

was the biggest iron rolling-stone he had ever seen in his life.

455. A philosopher being blamed by a stander-by, for defending an

argument weakly against the Emperor Adrian, replied, What! would you

have me contend with a man that commands thirty legions of soldiers?

456. A painter turned physician; upon which change, a friend applauded

him, saying, You have done well, for before, your faults could be

discovered by the naked eye, but now they are hid.

457. Bishop Latimer preaching at court, said, that it was reported the

king was poor, and that they were seeking ways and means to make him

rich; but he added, For my part, I think the best way to make the king

rich, would be to give him a good post, or office, for all his officers

are rich.

458. Zelim, the first of the Ottoman Emperors that shaved his beard, his

predecessors having always worn it long, being asked by one of his

bashaws, why he altered the custom of his predecessors? answered,

Because you bashaws shall not lead me by the beard, as you did them.

459. It being told Antigonus, in order to intimidate him, as he marched

to the field of battle, that the enemy would shoot such volleys of

arrows, as would intercept the light of the sun. I am glad of it,

replied he, for it being very hot, we shall then fight in the shade.

460. A sailor having received ten guineas for turning Roman Catholic,

said to the priest who paid him the money, Sir, you ought to give me ten

guineas more, because it is so hard to believe transubstantiation.

461. One seeing an affected coxcomb buying books, told him, His

bookseller was properly his upholsterer, for he furnished his room

rather than his head.

462. An arch wag once said, That tailors were like woodcocks, for they

got their sustenance by their long bills.

463. A complaint being made to the court of Spain of a certain Viceroy

of Mexico, the Secretary of State, who was his friend, wrote him word,

that he was accused at court of having extorted great sums of money from

the people under his government; which I hope, said the Secretary, is

true, or else you are undone.

464. At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench,

and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to

sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, I

think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her

stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way. This had the desired

effect―she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing

by, blushed to the temples, and said, O, brother, how could you say what

was not the fact? Not the fact! replied the old gentleman; if she had

not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she

gets them on.

465. A gentleman in the country having the misfortune to have his wife

hang herself on an apple tree, a neighbour of his came to him and begged

he would give him a scion of that tree, that he might graft it upon one

in his own orchard; for who knows, said he, but it may bear the same

fruit!

466. St. Evremond said, in defence of Cardinal Mazarine, when he was

reproached with neglecting the good of the kingdom that he might engross

the riches of it, Well, let him get all the riches, and then he will

think of the good of the kingdom, for it will be all his own.

467. The late Earl of S― kept an Irish footman, who, perhaps, was as

expert in making bulls as the most learned of his countrymen. My lord

having sent him one day with a present to a certain judge, the judge in

return sent my lord half-a-dozen live partridges with a letter; the

partridges fluttering in the basket upon Teague’s back, as he was

carrying them home, he set down the basket, and opened the lid of it to

quiet them, whereupon they all flew away. Oh! the devil burn ye, said

he, I am glad you are gone. But when he came home, and my lord had read

the letter, Well, Teague, said my lord, I find there are half-a-dozen

partridges in the letter. Arrah now, dear sir, said Teague, I am glad

you have found them in the letter, for they are all lost out of the

basket.

468. The same nobleman going out one day, called Teague to the side of

his chariot, and bade him tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that he

should be at home at dinner-time. But when my lord was got across the

square in which he lived, Teague came puffing after him, and calling to

the coachman to stop; upon which my lord, pulling the string, desired to

know what Teague wanted; My lord, said he, you bade me tell Mr.

Such-a-one, if he came, that you would dine at home; but what must I say

if he don’t come?

469. A tailor’s boy being at church, heard it said that a remnant only

should be saved. Egad, said the boy, then my master makes plaguy long

remnants.

470. The renowned Mr. Wh―n, the famous astronomer, had made a

calculation that the world would be at an end in fifteen years, and some

time after offered to dispose of an estate; he asked the gentleman who

was about it, at the rate of thirty years purchase, upon which the

gentleman, in great surprise, demanded how he could ask so many years

purchase, when he very well knew the world would be at an end in half

the time.

471. Some thievish fellows being at a tavern, they agreed amongst

themselves to steal the silver cup that was brought up to them, and when

they were going by the bar, You are welcome, gentlemen, kindly welcome,

cried the landlord. Ah, said the fellow with the cup to himself, I wish

we were well gone too.

472. A waterman belonging to the Tower, being put by one of the players

into the upper gallery in Covent Garden playhouse, the fellow, not being

very sober, and falling asleep, tumbled into the pit; but having the old

proverb on his side, received little or no hurt; and being told by some

of his companions that he was now free of the house, he went to Mr. Rich

(the then manager) to put in his claim, who very readily allowed it,

with this proviso, that he should always go out the same way he had come

in.

473. One told another, who did not use to be clothed over often, that

his new coat was too short for him; That’s true, answered his friend,

but it will be long enough before I get another.

474. A gentleman who was travelling in Italy, saw one day, as he passed

along the road near Naples, a man standing up to his chin in a puddle of

dirty water; not able to guess at the meaning of it, he cried out to

him, What are you catching there, friend? Cold, replied the other, for I

have to sing the bass part at the opera to-night. But suppose, said the

gentleman, you catch your death. Why, then, said the other, the opera

will be damned.

475. In the reign of Queen Anne, when it was said Lord Orford had got a

number of peers made at once, to serve a particular turn, being met next

day by Lord Wharton,―So, Robin, said he, I find what you lost by tricks

you have gained by honours.

476. A young gentleman who had stolen a ward, being in suit for her

fortune, before a late lord chancellor, and the counsel insisting much

on the equity of decreeing her a fortune for her maintenance, his

lordship turned briskly upon him with this sentence, That since the

suitor had stolen the flesh, he should get bread to it how he could.

477. A country fellow, who had served several years in the army abroad,

when the war was over, coming home to his friends, was received amongst

them with great rejoicing, and the miraculous stories related by him

were heard with no small pleasure. Well, said the old father, and

prythee Jack, what didst thou learn there? Learn, sir, why I learnt to

know that when I turned my shirt, the vermin had a day’s march to my

skin again.

478. An Irish barrister had a client of his own country who was a

sailor, and having been at sea for some time, his wife was married again

in his absence, so he was resolved to prosecute her; and coming to

advise with the counsellor, told him he must have witnesses to prove

that he was alive when his wife married again. Arrah, by my shoul, but

that shall be impossible, said the other, for my shipmates are all gone

to sea again upon a long voyage, and shan’t return this twelve-month.

Oh! then, answered the counsellor, there can be nothing done in it, and

what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only

because you cannot prove yourself to be alive.

479. King Charles the First being prevailed upon by one of his courtiers

to knight a very worthless fellow, of mean aspect, when he was going to

lay the sword upon his shoulder the new knight drew a little back, and

hung down his head as out of countenance; Don’t be ashamed, said the

king, ’tis I have most reason to be so.

480. One said Sir John Cutler looked very dismally when night came on,

not because it brought darkness with it, but because daylight saved him

a candle.

481. A man was reproached by another with barbarity in beating his wife

so severely as he often did; Go, you are a fool, and ignorant of the

scriptures, said he, else you would know that it was a proof of my love

for her, otherwise I would not be at the trouble; but he that the Lord

loveth he chastizeth, and so do I.

482. An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, marching

a little way behind his companion, called out to him, Hollo, Pat, I have

catch’d a tartar! Bring him along then! Ay, but he won’t come. Why then

come away without him. By Jasus, but he won’t let me!

483. A very harmless Irishman, eating an apple-pie with some quinces in

it, Arrah now, dear honey, said he, if a few of these quinces give such

a flavour, how would an apple-pie taste made all of quinces?

484. The late duke of Wharton, going through Holborn in a hackney coach,

with Phil. F―, saw a fellow drumming before the door of a puppet-show;

Now, this is a pretty employment, Phil., said the duke; if you were

reduced so low, that you were obliged to be either a highwayman or

drummer to a puppet-show, which would you choose? Faith, my lord,

answered Phil., I would be the highwayman rather than the other. Ay,

replied the duke, that confirms the opinion I always had of you, that

you have more pride than honesty.

485. Sir T. P. once in parliament brought in a bill that wanted some

amendment, which being not attended to by the house, he frequently

repeated that he thirsted to mend his bill. Upon which a worthy member

got up, and said, Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since the honourable

member thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his draught.

This put the house in such a good humour, that his request was granted.

486. An English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, who was an Irishman,

What was the reason that his countrymen were so remarkable for

blundering and making bulls? Faith, said the knight, I believe there is

something in the air of Ireland; and I dare say, if an Englishman was

born there he would do the same.

487. A gentleman who was a staunch Whig, disputing with a Jacobite,

said, he had two good reasons for being against the interest of the

pretender: What are those? said the other. The first, replied he, is,

that he is an impostor, not really King James’s son: Why, that, said the

Tory, would be a good reason, if it could be proved. And, pray, sir,

what is your other? Why, said the Whig, that he is King James’s son.

488. Although the infirmities of nature are not proper subjects to be

made a jest of, yet when people take a great deal of pains to conceal

what everybody sees, there is nothing more ridiculous: of this sort was

old Cross the player, who, being very deaf, did not care anybody should

know it. Honest Joe Miller going with a friend one day along Fleet

Street, and seeing old Cross on the other side of the way, told his

acquaintance he should see some sport; so beckoning to Cross with his

finger, and stretching open his mouth as wide as he could, as if he

hallooed to him, though he said nothing, the old fellow came puffing

from the other side of the way; What the deuce, said he, do you make

such a noise for? do you think one can’t hear?

489. There is in Rome a certain broken statue called Pasquin, to which,

in the night time, people affix the libels they dare not own; a kind of

dumb satire on the vices of the grandees, not sparing even the Pope

himself, as may be seen by the following story:―A late Pope, being

descended from a very mean family, on his advancement to the holy see,

bestowed great preferment on most of his poor relations; whereupon

Pasquin, on the next great festival, early in the morning, was observed

to have an extremely dirty shirt on, with a scroll of paper in his hand,

whereon was written, How now, Pasquin? What! so dirty upon a holiday?

and under that his answer: Alas! I have no clean linen, my washerwoman

is made a princess.

490. An Irishman and an Englishman falling out, the Hibernian told him

if he did not hold his tongue, he would break his impenetrable head and

let the brains out of his empty skull!

491. Rogers, when a certain M.P. wrote a review of his poems, and said

he wrote very well for a banker, wrote in return, the following:

They say he has no heart, but I deny it:

He has a heart, he gets his speeches by it.

492. A prisoner being brought up to Bow Street, the following dialogue

passed between him and the sitting magistrate:―How do you live? Pretty

well, sir, generally a joint and pudding at dinner. I mean, sir, how do

you get your bread? I beg your worship’s pardon; sometimes at the

baker’s, and sometimes at the chandler’s shop. You may be as witty as

you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you how do you do? Tolerably

well, I thank your worship: I hope your worship is well.

493. When Citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high

treason, during the evidence for the prosecution, he wrote the following

note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: I am determined to plead

my cause myself. Mr. Erskine wrote under it: If you do you’ll be

hanged;―to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: I’ll be

hanged if I do.

494. Chateauneuf, keeper of the seals under Louis XIII. when a boy of

only nine years old, was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very

prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, I will give you

an orange if you will tell me where God is? My lord, replied the boy, I

will give you two if you will tell me where He is not.

495. A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in the dreadful conflagration of

the Theatre Royal Covent Garden, Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury Lane,

received a letter from an Irish friend, requesting to know, by the

return of post, if it was he that was really burned or not.

496. A gentleman who lived in Great Turnstile, Holborn, being the

subject of conversation in a party, a person inquired where he lived, if

he had a large house, kept a good table, &c. Oh! yes, answered another,

he lives in the greatest stile in Holborn.

497. Gentleman and ladies,―said the facetious Beau Nash, the then

master of the ceremonies for Bath, introducing a most lovely woman into

the ball-room,―this is Mrs. Hobson. I have often heard of Hobson’s

choice, but never had the pleasure to view it until now, and you must

coincide with me that it reflects credit on his taste.

498. A gentleman on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant

feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares

before breakfast. Thirty-three hairs! exclaimed his lordship; Zounds,

sir! then you must have been firing at a wig.

499. During Lord Townshend’s residence in Dublin, as viceroy, he often

went in disguise through the city. He had heard much of the wit of a

shoeblack, known by the name of Blind Peter, whose stand was always at

the Globe Coffee-house door; having found him out, he stopped to get his

boots cleaned; which was no sooner done than his lordship asked Peter to

give him change for a guinea. A guinea! your honour, said the ragged

wit, change for a guinea from me! Sir, you may as well ask a Highlander

for a knee-buckle. His lordship was so well pleased, that he left him

the gold.

500. A late nobleman, who was very avaricious, was upon the same good

terms with his lady as the elements of water and lightning when they

encounter in the atmosphere. I am of opinion, my lord, said her

ladyship, that you would marry the devil’s daughter, after my decease,

if her dowry were equal to your expectations. That is impossible, my

lady, replied the earl, for it is contrary to the law of England to

marry two sisters.

501. A gentleman staying late one night at the tavern, his wife sent his

servant for him about twelve. John, said he, go home and tell your

mistress it can be no more. The man returned, by his mistress’s order,

again at one, the answer then was, it could be no less. But, sir, said

the man, day has broke. With all my heart, replied the master, he owes

me nothing. But the sun is up, sir. And so he ought to be, John, ought

he not? He has farther to go than we have, I am sure.

502. A noisy talkative spark, who had a handsome place in the king’s

revenue, more than he merited, was holding an argument one day with a

gentleman, at a public coffee-house; the controversy turned upon some

point of government, and his antagonist, who had somewhat galled him by

the strength of his argument, referred him to such a place in history,

where he would find how much he was mistaken in the dispute. Phoo, said

said he, d’ye think I have no other business but to read histories?

Faith, said the other, ’tis pity you had, till you had read a little

more.

503. Susan, a country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her

mistress a present of a 5_l._ bank note for her marriage portion. Her

mistress wished to see the object of Susan’s favour; and a very

diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ugly as an ape, made his

appearance. Ah, Susan, said her mistress, what a strange choice you have

made! La, ma’am, said Susan, in such hard times as these, when almost

all the tall fellows are gone for soldiers, what more of a man than this

can you expect for a 5_l._ note?

504. There happened, when Swift was at Larcone in Ireland, the sale of a

farm and stock, the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past during

the auction, just as a pen of poultry had been put up. Roger (Swift’s

clerk) bid for them, but was overbid by a farmer of the name of Hatch.

What, Roger, won’t you buy the poultry? exclaimed Swift. No, sir, said

Roger, I see they are just a going to Hatch.

505. In a debate on the leather tax, in 1795, in the Irish House of

Commons, the Chancellor of the Exchequer (Sir John P―) observed, with

great emphasis, That, in the prosecution of the present war, every man

ought to give his last guinea to protect the remainder. Mr. Vaudelure

said, that however that might be, the tax on leather would be severely

felt by the barefooted peasantry of Ireland. To which Sir Boyle Roache

replied, that this could be easily remedied, by making the

under-leathers of wood.

506. Lieutenant Connolly, an Irishman in the service of the United

States, during the American war, chanced to take three Hessian prisoners

himself, without any assistance. Being asked by the commander in chief

how he had taken them? I surrounded them, was the answer.

507. A seedsman being held to bail for having used inflammatory language

respecting the reform bill, a wag observed, It was probably in the line

of his profession―to promote business, he wished to sow sedition.

508. When Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the

same play, the night being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the

mortification of Quin, Mr. Garrick’s chair came up first. Let me get

into the chair, cried the surly veteran―let me get into the chair, and

put little Davy into the lantern. By all means, said Garrick; I shall

ever be happy to give Mr. Quin light in anything.

509. The late Richard Russel, esq. had a renter’s share at Drury Lane,

where he used to go almost every evening; and, notwithstanding his

immense fortune, his penury was so great, that rather than give a trifle

to any of the women who attended in the lobby-box to take care of his

great coat on an evening, he used constantly to pledge it for a

shilling, at a pawnbroker’s near the theatre, and redeem it when the

performance was over, which cost him one halfpenny interest.

510. A mountebank, expatiating on the virtues of his drawing salve, and

reciting many instances of its success, was interrupted by an old woman,

who asserted, rather iron-ically, that she had seen it draw out of a

door four rusty tenpenny nails, that defied the united efforts of two of

the strongest blacksmiths, with their hammers and pincers.

511. At the close of that season in which Shuter, the comedian, first

became so universally and deservedly celebrated in his Master Stephen,

in the revived comedy of Every Man in his Humour, he was engaged for a

few nights, in a principal city in the north of England. It happened

that the coach in which he went down (and in which there was only an old

gentleman and himself) was stopped on the other side of Finchley Common

by a highwayman. The old gentleman, in order to save his own money,

pretended to be asleep; but Shuter resolved to be even with him.

Accordingly, when the highwayman presented his pistol, and commanded

Shuter to deliver his money instantly, or he was a dead man―Money!

returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly

vacant; Oh! Lord, sir, they never trusts me with any; for nuncle here

always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour! Upon which the

highwayman giving him a few curses for his stupidity, complimented the

old gentleman with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed

him of every shiling; while Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing,

with great satisfaction and merriment, pursued his journey, laughing

heartily at his fellow-traveller.

512. This excellent comedian was once in disgrace with the audience, in

consequence of irregularities:―they demanded an apology. Shuter was

somewhat tardy; and a lady was going on with her part; but the audience

called out, Shuter! Shuter!―the arch comedian peeped from behind the

curtain, and said, Pray do not shoot her; the lady is innocent, the

fault is entirely my own. This put the house in good humour, and Shuter

was received with applause.

513. Two sailors, the one Irish, the other English, agreed reciprocally

to take care of each other, in case of either being wounded in an action

then about to commence. It was not long before the Englishman’s leg was

shot off by a cannon-ball; and on asking Paddy to carry him to the

doctor according to their agreement, the other very readily complied;

but had scarcely got his wounded companion on his back when a second

ball struck off the poor fellow’s head. Paddy, through the noise and

bustle, had not perceived his friend’s last misfortune, but continued to

make the best of his way to the surgeon. An officer observing him with

the headless trunk, asked him where he was going? To the doctor, said

Paddy. To the doctor! said the officer, why, blockhead, the man has lost

his head. On hearing this, he flung the body from his shoulders, and

looking at it very attentively, By my shoul, said he, he told me it was

his leg, but I was a fool to believe him, for he was always a great

liar.

514. C. Bannister employed his tailor to make him a pair of

small-clothes, and sent him an old pair as a pattern. When the new ones

came home, Charles complained that there was no fob. I didn’t think you

wanted one, said Snip, since I found the duplicate of your watch in the

old pocket!

515. What’s the matter? inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd

collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to

secure, to put on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had

deserted. Matter! matter enough, (exclaimed the delinquent,) pressing a

poor negro to get oil.

516. In a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to

her sister, I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match, I think you

want the brimstone. To which she replied, No, not the brimstone, only

the spark.

517. A mischievous English rider, who happened to sleep at an inn with

an Irishman, whose naked leg was hanging over the bed, wantonly buckled

a spur round his ancle. In tossing about in his slumbers, Pat drew his

foot across the other leg, and mangled it most cruelly. On discovering

his situation, he knocked up the bootjack-boy, and swore at him for an

awkward scoundrel, for taking off his boots and letting a spur remain

on.

518. An Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the

Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very

youthful appearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, and

wore the traits of extreme old age. Sancta Maria, exclaimed the good

Hibernian, is it possible that this gentleman was an old man when his

father was born!

519. Mr. Watson, uncle to the late Marquis of Rockingham, a man of

immense fortune, finding himself at the point of death, desired a friend

who was present, to open him a drawer, in which was an old shirt, that

he might put it on. Being asked why he would wish to change his linen

when he was so ill, he replied, Because I am told that the shirt I die

in must be the nurse’s perquisite, and that is good enough for

her!―This was as bad as the old woman, who, with her last breath, blew

out an inch of candle, Because, said she, I can see to die in the dark!

520. An officer had the misfortune to be severely wounded in an

engagement. As he lay on the field, an unfortunate near him, who was

also badly wounded, gave vent to his agony in dreadful howls, which so

irritated the officer, who bore his own suffering in silence, that he

exclaimed, What do you make such a noise for? Do you think nobody is

killed but yourself?

521. The love of long christian names by the Spaniards has frequently

been an object of ridicule. A Spaniard on his travels arrived in the

night at a little village in France, in which there was but one hotel.

As it was almost midnight, he knocked at the door a long while without

hearing any one stir. At length the host putting his head out of his

chamber window, asked who was there? The Spaniard replied, Don Juan

Pedro Hernandez Rodriguez Alvarez de Villa-nova, Count de Malafra,

Cavallero de Santiago de Alcantara. Mercy on me! said the host, as he

shut the window, I have but two spare beds, and you ask me lodging for a

score!

522. A gentleman, of the name of Pepper, having informed a noble amateur

in the sports of the field, that he had a very hot and lively horse,

which had flung him in the course of a chase on the preceding day, a

conversation ensued on the qualities of the animal. In reply to a

question as to the name of the horse, the gentleman stated that he had

not yet given it one, and was at a loss what to call him. A name, a

name, said Lord N., why, sir, you should call him Peppercaster.

523. A wag passing through a country town, observed a fellow placed in

the stocks. My friend, said he, I advise you by all means to sell out. I

should have no objection, your honour, he replied drily, but at present

they seem much too low.

524. Two Irishmen about to be hanged during the rebellion of 1798, the

gallows was erected over the margin of a river. When the first man was

drawn up, the rope gave way, he fell into the stream, and escaped by

swimming. The remaining culprit, looking up to the executioner, said,

with genuine native simplicity, and an earnestness that evinced his

sincerity, Do, good Mr. Ketch, if you please, tie me up tight, for, if

the rope breaks, I’m sure to be drowned, for I can’t swim a stroke.

525. A country justice of the peace, when upwards of seventy years of

age, married a girl about nineteen, and being well aware that he was

likely to be rallied on the subject, he resolved to be prepared.

Accordingly, when any of his intimate friends called upon him, after the

first salutations were passed, he was sure to begin the conversation, by

saying, he believed he could tell them news. Why, said he, I have

married my tailor’s daughter. If he was asked why he did so? the old

gentleman replied, Why, the father suited me so well for forty years

past, that I thought the daughter might suit me for forty years to come.

526. Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics he should

espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen’s Chapel; the son replied,

that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that in

consequence he should wear on his forehead a label, ‘To let.’ To which

the facetious critic rejoined, I suppose, Tom, you mean to add,

‘unfurnished’?

527. A certain person asking a merry Andrew, why he played the fool? For

the same reason, said he, that you do, out of want―you do it for want

of wit, and I do it for want of money.

528. David Garrick was once on a visit at Mr. Rigby’s seat, Mistley

Hall, Essex, when Dr. Gough formed one of the party. Observing the

potent appetite of the learned doctor, Garrick indulged in some coarse

jests on the occasion, to the great amusement of the company, the doctor

excepted; who, when the laugh had subsided, thus addressed the

party:―Gentlemen, you must doubtless suppose from the extreme

familiarity with which Mr. Garrick has thought fit to treat me, that I

am an acquaintance of his; but I can assure you that, till I met him

here, I never saw him but once before, and then I paid five shillings

for the sight. Roscius was silent.

529. Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant who served George the Third, was a

great favourite with the king, and used to be admitted to the royal

hunts. Returning from the chase one day, his majesty entered affably

into conversation with him, and they rode side by side a considerable

way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and watching an opportunity,

took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered something to him. What’s that?

what’s that Walsingham has been saying to you? inquired the

good-humoured monarch. I find, sir, I have been unintentionally guilty

of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought to have taken off my hat

whenever I addressed your majesty; but your majesty will please to

observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig

is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a very high-spirited

horse, so that if anything goes off, we must all go off together! The

king laughed heartily at the whimsical apology.

530. In the campaign of 1812, a distinguished officer of the French army

was severely wounded in the leg. The surgeons on consulting, declared

that amputation was indispensable. The general received the intelligence

with much composure. Among the persons who surrounded him, he observed

his valet-de-chambre, who showed by his profound grief the deep share

which he took in the melancholy accident. Why do you weep, Germain? said

his master, smiling to him. It is a fortunate thing for you: you will

have only one boot to clean in future.

531. So ungrateful was the sound of ‘Wilkes and No. 45’ (the famous

number of the ‘North Briton’) deemed to be to a high personage, that

about 1772, a Prince of the Blood (George IV.) then a mere boy, having

been chid for some boyish fault, and wishing to take his boyish revenge,

is related to have done so by stealing to the king’s apartments, and

shouting at the door, ‘Wilkes and 45 for ever!’ and running away. It is

hardly necessary to add, (for who knows not the domestic amiableness of

George III.?) that his majesty laughed at the thing with his accustomed

good humour.

532. Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the

middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him

with great agitation, that the ship was on fire near the magazine. If

that be the case, said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, we

shall soon know it. The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and

almost instantly returning, exclaimed, You need not, sir, be afraid, the

fire is extinguished. Afraid! exclaimed Howe, what do you mean by that,

sir? I never was afraid in my life; and looking the lieutenant full in

the face, he added, Pray how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? I

need not ask how he looks.

533. The late Councillor Caldbeck, of the Irish bar, who drudged in his

profession till he was near eighty, being a king’s counsel, frequently

went circuit, as judge of assize when any one of the twelve judges was

prevented by illness. On one of those occasions, a fellow was convicted

before him at Wexford for bigamy; and when the learned counsel came to

pass sentence, after lecturing the fellow pretty roundly upon the nature

of his uxorious crime, added, The only punishment which the law

authorizes me to inflict is, that you be transported to parts beyond the

seas for the term of seven years; but if I had my will, you should not

escape with so mild a punishment, for I would sentence you for the term

of your natural life―to live in the same house with both your wives.

534. A tailor following the army, was wounded in the head by an arrow.

When the surgeon saw the wound, he told his patient, that as the weapon

had not touched his brain, there was no doubt of his recovery. The

tailor said, If I had possessed any brains, I should not have been here.

535. A young woman had laid a wager she would descend into a vault, in

the middle of the night, and bring from thence a skull. The person who

took the wager, previously hid himself in the vault, and as the girl

seized a skull, cried, in a hollow voice, Leave me my head! There it is,

said the girl, throwing it down, and catching up another. Leave me my

head! said the same voice. Nay, nay, said the heroic lass, you cannot

have two heads: so brought the skull, and won the wager.

536. The daughter of a respectable farmer in Carmarthenshire, was lately

betrothed to a young man in the neighbourhood of Tenby; but lovers’

quarrels occurring about three weeks before the day appointed for the

marriage, the swain turned on his heel, and immediately proposed to

another sister, who assented, without hesitation, on the ground of its

being too great a sacrifice to lose such a nice young man out of the

family; and, on the day named for the former marriage, the latter took

place.

537. The Princess of Conti, daughter of Louis XIV., speaking to the

ambassador of Morocco, highly disapproved of the plurality of wives

which prevails among the Mahomedans. We should only require one, replied

the gallant ambassador, if each resembled you, madam.

538. The Laird of M’N―b was writing to one of his Dulcineas from an

Edinburgh coffee-house, when a gentleman of his acquaintance observed

that he was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. How

can a man write grammar with a pen like this? exclaimed the Highland

chieftain.

539. In a village of Picardy, after a long sickness, a farmer’s wife

fell into a lethargy. Her husband was willing, good man, to believe her

out of pain; and so, according to the custom of that country, she was

wrapped in a sheet, and carried out to be buried. But, as ill-luck would

have it, the bearers carried her so near a hedge, that the thorns

pierced the sheet, and waked the woman from her trance. Some years

after, she died in reality; and, as the funeral passed along, the

husband would every now and then call out, Not too near the hedge, not

too near the hedge, neighbours.

540. The Germans sleep between two beds; and it is related, that an

Irish traveller, upon finding a feather-bed thus laid over him, took it

into his head that the people slept in strata, one upon the other, and

said to the attendant, Will you be good enough to tell the gentleman or

lady that is to lay over me, to make haste, as I wish to go to sleep.

541. When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person

to his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which

the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The

council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a

dangerous precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield’s business to present the

grant of office for the king’s signature. Not to incense his majesty, by

asking him abruptly, he, with great humility, begged to know with whose

name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? With the

devil’s! replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. And shall the

instrument, said the earl coolly, run as usual, Our trusty and

well-beloved cousin and counsellor?―a repartee at which the king

laughed heartily, and with great good humour signed the grant.

542. A fire happening at a public-house, one of the crowd was requesting

the engineer to play against the wainscot: but being told it was in no

danger, I am sorry for that, said he, because I have a long score upon

it, which I shall never be able to pay.

543. Among the curiosities at Apsley House, is the truckle bed in which

the Duke of Wellington slept. Why it is so narrow? exclaimed a friend;

there is not room to turn in it. Turn in it! cried his grace, when once

a man begins to turn in bed, it is time to turn out.

544. A person of the name of Fish, having made a short trip in a

balloon, on coming again to _terra firma_, was seized with a swoon. A

gentleman asking one of the crowd collected around him, What was the

matter? was answered, Nothing but a flat fish, who has been out of his

element.

545. I can’t conceive, said one nobleman to another, how it is that you

manage: I am convinced that you are not of a temper to spend more than

your income; and yet, though your estate is less than mine, I could not

afford to live at the rate you do. My lord, said the other, I have a

situation. A situation! you amaze me, I never heard of it till now―pray

what is it? I am my own steward.

546. A gentleman remarked the other day to an Irish baronet, that the

science of optics was now brought to the highest perfection; for that,

by the aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, he could discern

objects at an incredible distance. My dear fellow, replied the

good-humoured baronet, I have one at my lodge in the county of Wexford

that will be a match for it; it brought the church of Enniscorthy so

near to my view, that I could hear the whole congregation singing

psalms.

547. A clergyman was reproving a married couple for their frequent

dissensions, which were very unbecoming both in the eye of God and man,

seeing, as he observed, that they were both one. Both one! cried the

husband, Was your reverence to come by our door sometimes, you would

swear we were twenty.

548. A person whose name was Gun, complaining to a friend, that his

attorney, in his bill, had not let him off easily, That is no wonder,

said he, as he charged you too high.

549. A Scotchman maintained that the Garden of Eden was certainly placed

in Scotland. For said he, have we not, all within a mile of one another,

Adam’s Mount, the Elysian Fields, Paradise Place, and the city of

Eden-burgh?

550. A wealthy merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential

friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded

by saying, Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as

it is now too late to part them. But then, his condition; how can I

introduce him? Nonsense, replied his companion, introduce him as a

Livery-man of the city.

551. A gentleman perceiving the common-crier of Bristol unemployed,

inquired the reason: I can’t cry to-day, sir, said he, my wife is just

dead.

552. Truth is not unfrequently extracted by accident. Mr. L., whose

police office is frequently clamorous with the litigators of shilling

warrants, suddenly called out, Silence there! There’s been, added he,

two or three people committed already, and I have not heard a word they

have said.

553. A wag called on his friend at his country-house, and perceiving him

running very fast through his grounds to meet him, told the gentleman he

was very sorry to see him go on so ill? Why so? replied the other. I

see, rejoined the wag, you are running through your estate very fast.

554. An Irish captain being on the ocean, many leagues from the most

remote part of land, beheld at a short distance four sail of ships, and

in the joy of his heart exclaimed, Arrah! my lads, pipe all hands on

deck to behold this rich landscape.

555. An Hibernian schoolmaster, settled in a village near London, who

advertised that he intended to keep a Sunday-school twice a week,

Tuesdays and Thursdays, reminds us of the mock mayor of a place in the

west, who declared on his election, that he was resolved to hold his

Quarter Sessions monthly.

556. A Londoner told his friend he was going to Margate for a change of

hair. You had better, said the other, go to the wig-maker’s shop.

557. When Lieutenant O’Brien (who was called Sky-rocket Jack) was blown

up at Spithead, in the Edgar, he was on the carriage of a gun, and being

brought to the admiral, all black and wet, he said with pleasantry, I

hope, sir, you will excuse my dirty appearance, for I came out of the

ship in so great a hurry, that I had not time to shift myself.

558. An Irishman one day found a light guinea, which he was obliged to

sell for eighteen shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying on the

street. No, no, said he, I’ll have nothing to do with you; I lost three

shillings by your brother yesterday.

559. A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the king, what physician

and apothecary he made use of, to look so well at his time of life.

Sire, replied the gentleman, my physician has always been a horse, and

my apothecary an ass.

560. A poor woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length

recognised by the bishop. Pray, have I not seen you here before? said

his lordship. Yes, replied the woman, I get me confirmed as often as I

can: they tell me it is good for the rheumatis.

561. A dancer said to another person, You cannot stand so long upon one

leg as I can. True, answered the other, but a goose can.

562. A person applied to Quin, as manager, to be admitted on the stage.

As a specimen of his dramatic powers, he began the famous soliloquy of

Hamlet,

To be, or not to be, that is the question.

Quin, indignant at the man’s absurd elocution, exclaimed, very

decisively, No question, upon my honour; not to be, most certainly.

563. An Irishman going to be hanged, begged that the rope might be tied

under his arms instead of round his neck; for, said Pat, I am so

remarkably ticklish in the throat, that if tied there, I will certainly

kill myself with laughing.

564. A respectable surgeon in London, making his daily round to see his

patients, had occasion to call at a house in Charing Cross, where he

left his horse to the care of a Jew boy, whom he casually saw in the

streets. On coming out of the house, he naturally enough expected to

find his trusty servant treating himself with a ride; but no―Mordecai

knew the use of time and the value of money a little better;―he was

letting the horse to little boys in the street, a penny a ride to the

Horse Guards and back!

565. At the breaking up of a tavern dinner, two of the party fell down

stairs, the one tumbling to the first landing place, the other rolling

to the bottom:―it was observed, that the first seemed dead drunk. Yes,

said a wag, but he’s not so far gone as the gentleman below.

566. When the baggage of Lady Hamilton was landed at Palermo, Lord

Nelson’s coxswain was very active in conveying it to the ambassador’s

hotel. Lady Hamilton observed this, and presenting the man with a

moidore, said, Now, my friend, what will you have to drink? Why, please

your honour, said the coxswain, I am not thirsty. But, said her

ladyship, Nelson’s steersman must drink with me, so what will you take,

a dram, a glass of grog, or a glass of punch? Why, said Jack, as I am to

drink with your ladyship’s honour, it would not be good manners to be

backward, so I’ll take the dram now, and will be drinking the glass of

grog while your ladyship is mixing the tumbler of punch for me.

567. When Paddy Blake heard an English gentleman speaking of the fine

echo at the lake of Killarney, which repeats the sound forty times, he

very promptly observed, Poh! faith that’s nothing at all, to the echo in

my father’s garden, in the county of Galway; there, honey, if you were

to say to it, How do you do, Paddy Blake? it would answer, Very well, I

thank you, sir.

568. When a late duchess of Bedford was at Buxton, in her eighty-fifth

year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve

every complaint of whim and caprice into a shock of the nervous system.

Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the rooms what

brought them there, and being generally answered, for a nervous

complaint, was asked, in her turn, What brought her to Buxton? I came

only for pleasure, answered the healthy duchess; for, thank goodness, I

was born before nerves came into fashion.

569. As a clergyman was burying a corpse, a woman came, and pulled him

by the sleeve, in the middle of the service. Sir, sir, I want to speak

with you. Prithee wait, woman, till I have done. No, sir; I must speak

to you immediately. Well, then, what is the matter? Why, sir, you are

going to bury a man who died of the small pox, near my poor husband, who

never had it.

570. What have you to say, old Bacon-face? said a counsellor to a

farmer, at a late Cambridge assizes. Why, answered the farmer, I am

thinking that my bacon face and your calf’s head would make a very good

dish.

571. A scholar, a bald man, and a barber, travelling together, agreed

each to watch four hours in the night, in turn, for the sake of

security. The barber’s lot came first, who shaved the scholar’s head

while he was asleep, then waked him when his turn came. The scholar,

scratching his head, and feeling it bald, exclaimed, you wretch of a

barber, you have waked the bald man instead of me.

572. A man much addicted to drinking, being extremely ill with a fever,

a consultation was held in his bed-chamber by three physicians, how to

cure the fever, and abate the thirst. Gentlemen, said he, I will take

half the trouble off your hands; you cure the fever, and I will abate

the thirst myself.

573. Dean Swift knew an old woman of the name of Margaret Styles, who

was much addicted to drinking. Though frequently admonished by him, he

one day found her at the bottom of a ditch, with a bundle of sticks,

with which, being in her old way, she had tumbled in. The dean, after

severely rebuking her, asked her, where she thought of going to?

(meaning after her death). I’ll tell you, sir, said she, if you will

help me up. When he had assisted her, and repeated his question―Where

do I think of going to? said she, where the best liquor is, to be sure!

574. A gentleman having engaged to fight a main of cocks, directed his

feeder in the country, who was a son of the sod, to pick out two of the

best, and bring them to town. Paddy, having made his selection, put the

two cocks together into a bag, and brought them with him in the

mail-coach. When they arrived, it was found upon their journey they had

almost torn each other to pieces; on which Paddy was severely taken to

task for his stupidity, in putting both cocks into one bag. Indeed, said

the honest Hibernian, I thought there was no risk of their falling out,

as they were going to fight on the same side.

575. In the late Irish rebellion, J. C. Beresford, esq. a banker, and

member for Dublin, rendered himself so very obnoxious to the rebels, in

consequence of his vigilance in bringing them to punishment, that

whenever they found any of his bank-notes in plundering a house, the

general cry was, By Jasus! we’ll ruin the rascal! we’ll destroy every

note of his we can find: and they actually destroyed, it is supposed,

upwards of 20,000_l._ worth of his notes during the rebellion.

576. An Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, I am

eldest, said he, but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be

both of an age.

577. A reverend gentleman seeing a fishwoman skinning some eels, said to

her, How can you be so cruel? don’t you think you put them to a great

deal of pain? Why, your honour, she replied, I might when I first began

business; but I have dealt in them twenty years, and by this time they

must be quite used to it.

578. A gentleman crossing the water lately below Limehouse, and wanting

to learn the price of coals in the pool, hailed one of the labourers at

work in a tier of colliers, with Well, Paddy, how are coals? Black as

ever, your honour, replied the Irishman.