1. The Duke of Atholl, who says more good things than anybody, being
behind the scenes the first night of the Beggars’ Opera, and meeting
Cibber there, Well, Colley, said he, how do you like the Beggars’ Opera?
Why it makes one laugh, my lord, answered he, on the stage; but how will
it do in print? O! very well, I’ll answer for it, said the duke, if you
don’t write a preface to it.[1]
[1] See Cibber’s preface to Provoked Husband.
2. There being a great disturbance one night at Drury Lane play-house,
Mr. Wilks, coming upon the stage to say something to pacify the
audience, had an orange thrown full at him, which he having taken up,
making a low bow, This is no civil orange, I think, said he.
3. Joe Miller sitting one day in the window at the Sun Tavern in Clare
Street, a fishwoman and her maid passing by, the woman cried, “Buy my
souls, buy my maids.” Ah! you wicked old creature, said honest Joe, what
are you not content to sell your own soul, but you must sell your maid’s
too?
4. A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a long dispute, in which
she was resolved to have the last word, told her, If she spoke one more
crooked word, he’d beat her brains out. Why then, ram’s-horns, you
rogue, said she, if I die for it.
5. A hackney-coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the lawyers
used to club their threepence a-piece, four of them, to go to
Westminster; and being called by a lawyer at Temple Bar, who, with two
others in their gowns, got into his coach, he was bid to drive to
Westminster Hall; but the coachman still holding his door open, as if he
waited for more company, one of the gentleman asked him, why he did not
shut the door, and go on? The fellow, scratching his head, cried, You
know, master, my fare’s a shilling; I can’t go for ninepence.
6. Two free-thinking authors proposed to a bookseller, that was a little
decayed in the world, That if he would print their works, they would set
him up; and, indeed, they were as good as their word, for in six weeks
time he was in the pillory.
7. A gentleman was saying one day at the Tilt Yard Coffee-house, when it
rained exceedingly hard, that it put him in mind of the general deluge.
Zoons, sir, said an old campaigner, who stood by, who’s that? I have
heard of all the generals in Europe but him.
8. A certain poet and player, remarkable for his impudence and
cowardice, happening many years ago to have a quarrel with Mr. Powel,
another player, received from him a smart box on the ear; a few days
after, the poetical player having lost his snuff-box, and making strict
inquiry if anybody had seen his box, What, said another of the buskined
wits, that which George Powel gave you the other night?
9. Gun Jones, who had made his fortune himself, from a mean beginning,
happening to have some words with a person who had known him some time,
was asked by the other, how he could have the impudence to give himself
so many airs, when he knew very well, that he remembered him seven years
before with hardly a rag to his back. You lie, sirrah, replied Jones,
seven years ago I had nothing but rags to my back.
10. Lord R― having lost fifty pistoles one night at the gaming-table in
Dublin, some friends condoling with him upon his ill luck: Faith, said
he, I am very well pleased at what I have done; for I have bit them,
there is not one pistole that don’t want six-pence of weight.
11. A gentleman saying something in praise of Mrs. C―m, who is, without
dispute, a good player, though exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly;
another said, her face always put him in mind of Mary-bone Park; being
desired to explain himself, he said, It was vastly rude, and had not one
bit of pale about it.
12. A pragmatical young fellow, sitting at table over against the
learned John Scott, asked him, What difference there was between Scott
and Sot? Just the breadth of the table, answered the other.
13. Another poet asked Nat Lee, if it was not easy to write like a
madman, as he did? No, answered Nat; but it is easy to write like a
fool, as you do.
14. Colley, who, notwithstanding his odes, has now and then said a good
thing, being told one night by the late Duke of Wharton, that he
expected to see him hanged or beggared very soon: If I had your grace’s
politics and morals, said the laureat, you might expect both.
15. Sir Thomas More for a long time had only daughters, his wife
earnestly praying that they might have a boy; at last they had a boy,
who, when he came to man’s estate, proved but simple: Thou prayedst so
long for a boy, said Sir Thomas to his wife, that at last thou hast got
one who will be a boy as long as he lives.
16. The same gentleman, when Lord Chancellor, being pressed by the
counsel of the party, for a longer day to perform a decree, said, Take
St. Barnaby’s Day, the longest in the year, which happened to be next
week.
17. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his humour and wit to the last
moment, when he came to be executed on Tower Hill, the headsman demanded
his upper garment as his fee; Ah! friend, said he, taking off his cap,
that, I think, is my upper garment.
18. When Rabelais, the greatest droll in France, lay on his death-bed,
he could not help jesting at the very last moment; for, having received
the extreme unction, a friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was
prepared for the next world: Yes, yes, replied Rabelais, I am ready for
my journey now; they have just greased my boots.
19. Henry the Fourth of France, reading an ostentatious inscription on
the monument of a Spanish officer, “Here lies the body of Don &c. &c.,
who never knew what fear was.” Then, said the king, he never snuffed a
candle with his fingers.
20. A certain member of the French Academy, who was no great friend to
the Abbot Furetiere, one day took the seat that was commonly used by the
abbot, and soon after having occasion to speak, and Furetiere being by
that time come in: Here is a place, said he, gentlemen, from whence I am
likely to utter a thousand impertinencies. Go on, answered Furetiere,
there’s one already.
21. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York
Buildings, for public orations, he happened at one time to be pretty
much behind-hand with his workmen, and coming one day among them, to see
how they went forward, ordered one of them to get into the rostrum, and
make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard; the fellow
mounting, and scratching his pate, told him, he knew not what to say,
for in truth he was no orator. Oh! said the knight, no matter for that,
speak anything that comes uppermost. Why here, Sir Richard, says the
fellow, we have been working for you these six weeks, and cannot get one
penny of money: pray, sir, when do you design to pay us?―Very well,
very well, said Sir Richard, pray come down, I have heard enough; I
cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don’t admire your
subject.
22. A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church,
although an old fellow of above sixty, he gave him some reproof on that
account, and asked him if he never read at home? No, replied the clown,
I can’t read. I dare say, said the parson, you don’t know who made you.
Not I, in troth, said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the same
time, Who made you, child? said the parson. God, sir, answered the boy.
Why, look you there, quoth the honest clergyman, are not you ashamed to
hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you,
that are so old a man, cannot? Ah! said the countryman, it is no wonder
that he should remember; he was made but t’other day, it is a great
while, master, sin’ I was made.
23. A certain reverend clergyman in the country was complaining to
another, that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. Oh! said the
other, I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it.
24. One of the aforesaid gentlemen, as was his custom, preaching most
exceedingly dull to a congregation not used to him, many of them slunk
out of the church, one after another, before the sermon was near ended.
Truly, said a gentleman present, this learned doctor has made a very
moving discourse.
25. Sir William Davenant the poet had no nose, who going along the Mews
one day, a beggar-woman followed him, crying, Ah! God preserve your
eye-sight, sir; the Lord preserve your eye-sight. Why, good woman, said
he, do you pray so much for my eye-sight? Ah! dear sir, answered the
woman, if it should please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no
place to hang your spectacles on.
26. A Welchman, bragging of his family, said, His father’s effigy was
set up in Westminster Abbey; being asked whereabouts, he said, In the
same monument with Squire Thynne’s; for he was his coachman.
27. A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, that Samson was a
very strong man. Ay, said another, but you are much stronger, for you
make nothing of lugging him in by the head and shoulders.
28. My Lord Strangford, who stammered very much, was telling a certain
bishop that sat at his table, that Balaam’s ass spoke because he was
pri―est― Priest-rid, sir, (said a valet-de-chambre, who stood behind
the chair,) my lord would say. No, friend, replied the bishop, Balaam
could not speak himself, and so his ass spoke for him.
29. The same noble lord asked a clergyman once, at the bottom of his
table, why the goose, if there was one, was always placed next to the
parson? Really, said he, I can give no reason for it; but your question
is so odd, I shall never see a goose, for the future, without thinking
of your lordship.
30. A gentleman was asking another how that poor devil S―ge could live,
now my Lord T―l had turned him off. Upon his wits, said the other. That
is living upon a slender stock indeed, replied the first.
31. A country parson having divided his text under two and twenty heads,
one of the congregation went out of the church in a great hurry, and
being met by a friend, he asked him, whither he was going? Home for my
night-cap, answered the first, for I find we are to stay here all night.
32. A very modest young gentleman, of the county of Tipperary, having
attempted many ways in vain to acquire the affections of a lady of great
fortune, at last was resolved to try what could be done by the help of
music, and therefore entertained her with a serenade under her windows
at midnight; but she ordered her servant to drive him hence, by throwing
stones at him. Your music, my friend, said one of his companions, is as
powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very stones about you.
33. A certain senator, who, it may be, is not esteemed the wisest man in
the house, has a frequent custom of shaking his head when another
speaks; which, giving offence to a particular person, he complained of
the affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the
house, It was only an ill habit he had got, for though he would
oftentimes shake his head, there was nothing in it.
34. A gentleman having lent a guinea for two or three days to a person
whose promises he had not much faith in, was very much surprised to
find, that he punctually kept his word with him; the same gentleman
being some time after desirous of borrowing the like sum, No, said the
other, you have deceived me once, and I am resolved you shan’t do it a
second time.
35. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his warrant, one of the
French prophets, a foolish sect, that started up in his time, to prison;
upon which, Mr. Lacy, one of their followers, came one day to my lord’s
house, and desired to speak with him; the servants told him, he was not
well, and saw no company that day: But tell him, said Lacy, I must see
him; for I come to him from the Lord; which being told the Chief
Justice, he ordered him to come in, and asked him his business: I come,
said he, from the Lord, who has sent me to thee, and would have thee
grant a _nolle prosequi_ for John Atkins, whom thou hast cast into
prison. Thou art a false prophet, answered my lord, and a lying knave;
for if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to the Attorney
General; he knows it is not in my power to grant a _nolle prosequi_.
36. Tom B―rn―t happening to be at dinner at my Lord Mayor’s, in the
latter part of Queen Anne’s reign, after two or three healths, the
ministry was toasted; but when it came to Tom’s turn to drink, he
diverted it for some time by telling a story to the person who sat next
him; the chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his toast go round,
called out, Gentlemen, where sticks the ministry? At nothing, said Tom,
and so drank off his glass.
37. My Lord Craven, in King James the First’s reign, was very desirous
to see Ben Jonson, which being told to Ben, he went to my lord’s house;
but being in a very tattered condition, as poets sometimes are, the
porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other
did not fail to return. My lord, happening to come out while they were
wrangling, asked the occasion of it? Ben, who stood in need of nobody to
speak for him, said, he understood his lordship desired to see him. You,
friend? said my lord, who are you? Ben Jonson, replied the other. No,
no, quoth my lord, you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote the Silent Woman;
you look as if you could not say Bo to a goose. Bo, cried Ben. Very
well, said my lord, who was better pleased at the joke than offended at
the affront, I am now convinced, by your wit, you are Ben Jonson.
38. A certain fop was boasting in company that he had every sense in
perfection. There is one you are quite without, said one who was by, and
that is common sense.
39. An Irish lawyer of the Temple having occasion to go to dinner, left
these directions written, and put in the key-hole of his chamber door: I
am gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you shall find me; and if you
can’t read this note, carry it down to the stationer’s, and he will read
it for you.
40. Old Dennis, who had been the author of many plays, going by a
brandy-shop in St. Paul’s Church Yard, the man who kept it came out to
him, and desired him to drink a dram. For what reason? said he. Because
you are a dramatic poet, answered the other. Well, sir, said the old
gentleman, thou art an out-of-the-way fellow, and I will drink a dram
with thee: but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it: ’Sdeath,
Sir, said the bard, did you not ask me to drink a dram, because I was a
dramatic poet? Yes, sir, replied the fellow, but I did not think you had
been a dram-o’tick poet.
41. Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a friend of his, having a
desire to drink a glass of wine together, upon the 30th of January, they
went to the Salutation Tavern upon Holborn Hill, and finding the door
shut, they knocked at it, but it was not opened to them, only one of the
drawers looked through a little wicket, and asked what they would please
to have? Why, open your door, said Daniel, and draw us a pint of wine:
the drawer said, his master would not allow of it that day, for it was a
fast. Hang your master, replied he, for a precise coxcomb, is he not
contented to fast himself, but he must make his doors fast too?
42. The same gentleman calling for some pipes in a tavern, complained
they were too short. The drawer said they had no other, and those were
but just come in. Ay, said Daniel, I see you have not bought them very
long.
43. The same gentleman, as he had the character of a great punster, was
desired one night in company, by a gentleman, to make a pun extempore.
Upon what subject? said Daniel. The King, answered the other. The king,
sir, said he, is no subject.
44. G―s E―l, who, though he is very rich, is remarkable for his sordid
covetousness, told Cibber one night in the green room, that he was going
out of town, and was sorry to part with him, for faith he loved him. Ah!
said Colley, I wish I was a shilling for your sake. Why so? said the
other. Because then, cried the laureat, I should be sure you loved me.
45. Lord C―by, coming out of the House of Lords one day, called out,
Where’s my fellow? Not in England, said a gentleman who stood by.
46. A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman
to whom he applied himself asked him a question in Latin; the fellow,
shaking his head, said, he did not understand him. Why, said the
gentleman, did you not say you were a poor scholar? Yes, replied the
other, a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of
Latin.
47. Several years ago, when Mrs. Rogers the player was young and
handsome, Lord North and Grey, remarkable for his homely face, accosting
her one night behind the scenes, asked her with a sigh, what was a cure
for love? Your Lordship, said she; the best I know in the world.
48. Colonel ――, who made the fine fireworks in St. James’s Square,
upon the peace of Ryswick, being in company with some ladies, was highly
commending the epitaph just then set up in the Abbey on Mr. Purcell’s
monument―“He is gone to that place where only his own harmony can be
exceeded.” Well, Colonel, said one of the ladies, the same epitaph might
serve for you, by altering one word only: “He is gone to that place
where only his own fireworks can be exceeded?”
49. Sir B―ch―r W―y, in the beginning of Queen Anne’s reign, and three
or four more drunken tories, reeling home from the Fountain Tavern in
the Strand, on a Sunday morning, cried out, We are the pillars of the
church. No, said a whig, that happened to be in their company, you can
be but the buttresses, for you never come on the inside of it.
50. After the fire of London, there was an act of parliament to regulate
the buildings of the city; every house was to be three stories high. A
Gloucestershire gentleman, a man of great wit and humour, just after
this act passed, going along the street, and seeing a little crooked
gentlewoman on the other side of the way, ran over to her in great
haste; Lord, madam, said he, how dare you to walk the streets thus
publicly? Walk the streets! and why not? answered the little woman.
Because, said he, you are built directly contrary to act of parliament:
you are but two stories high.
51. One Mr. Topham was so very tall and large, that if he was living
now, he might be shewn at Yeate’s theatre for a sight. This gentleman
going one day to inquire for a countryman a little way out of town, when
he came to the house, he looked in at a little window over the door, and
asked the woman, who sat by the fire, if her husband was at home? No,
Sir, said she, but if you please to alight, and come in, I’ll go and
call him.
52. The same gentleman walking across Covent Garden, was asked by a
beggar-woman for a halfpenny, or farthing; but finding he would not part
with his money, she begged he would give her one of his old shoes. He
was very desirous to know what she could do with one shoe. To make my
child a cradle, sir, said she.
53. King Charles II. having ordered a new suit of clothes to be made,
just at a time when addresses were coming up to him from all parts of
the kingdom, Tom Killigrew went to the tailor, and ordered him to make a
very large pocket on one side of the coat, and one so small on the
other, that the king could hardly get his hand into it; which seeming
very odd, when they were brought home, he asked the meaning of it; the
tailor said, Mr. Killigrew ordered it so. Killigrew being sent for, and
interrogated, said, One pocket was for the addresses of his majesty’s
subjects, the other for the money they would give him.
54. My Lord B― had married three wives, who were all his servants; a
beggar-woman meeting him one day in the street, made him a very low
curtesy. Ah, bless your lordship, said she, and send you a long life; if
you do but live long enough, we shall all be ladies in time.
55. Dr. Sadler, who was a very fat man, happening to go thump, thump,
through a street in Oxford, where the paviours were at work, in the
midst of July, the fellows immediately laid down their rammers. Ah,
bless you, master, said one of them, it was very kind of you to come
this way; it saves us a great deal of trouble this hot weather.
56. An arch wag, of St. John’s College, asked another of the same
College, who was a great sloven, why he would not read a certain author
called Go-Clenius.
57. Swan, the famous punster of Cambridge, being a non-juror, upon which
account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the Strand, in
the beginning of King William’s reign, on a very rainy day, a
hackney-coachman called to him, Sir, won’t you please to take coach? it
rains hard. Ay, friend, said he, but this is no rain [reign] for me to
take coach in.
58. When Oliver first coined his money, an old cavalier looking upon one
of the new pieces, read the inscription on one side, God with us: On the
other, The commonwealth of England. I see, said he, God and the
commonwealth are on different sides.
59. Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles the First’s judges,
died a day or two before Oliver, and it was strongly reported everywhere
that Cromwell was dead; No, said a gentleman, who knew better, he has
only given Bond to the devil for his further appearance.
60. Mr. Serjeant G―d, being lame of one leg, and pleading before
Judge Fortescue, who had little or no nose, the Judge told him he was
afraid he had but a lame cause of it. Oh! my lord, said the Serjeant,
have but a little patience, and I’ll warrant I prove everything as plain
as the nose on your face.
61. A gentleman, eating some mutton that was very tough, said, it put
him in mind of an old English poet; being asked who that was, Chau-cer,
replied he.
62. Michael Angelo, in his picture of the Last Judgment, in the Pope’s
chapel, painted among the figures in hell that of a certain cardinal,
who was his enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first sight:
whereupon the cardinal complaining to Pope Clement VII. of the affront,
and desiring that it might be defaced; You know very well, said the
Pope, I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of
hell.
63. A gentleman being at dinner at a friend’s house, the first thing
that came upon the table was a dish of whitings, and one being put upon
his plate, he found it smell so strong, that he could not eat a bit of
it; but he laid his mouth down to the fish, as if he was whispering with
it, and then took up the plate, and put it to his own ear. The
gentleman, at whose table he was, inquiring into the meaning, he told
him, that he had a brother lost at sea about a fortnight ago, and he was
asking that fish if he knew anything of him: And what answer made he?
said the gentleman. He told me, said he, that he could give no account
of him, for he had not been at sea these three weeks.―I would not have
any of my readers apply this story as an unfortunate gentleman did who
had heard it, and was, the next day, whispering a rump of beef, at a
friend’s house.
64. An English gentleman happening to be in Brecknockshire, he used
sometimes to divert himself with shooting; but being suspected not to be
qualified by one of the little Welch justices, his worship told him,
that unless he could produce his qualification, he should not allow him
to shoot there, and he had two little manors. Yes, sir, said the
Englishman, everybody may perceive that. Perceive what? cried the
Welchman: That you have too little manners, said the other.
65. The Chaplain’s boy of a man of war, being sent out of his own ship
of an errand to another, the two boys were comparing notes about their
manner of living: How often, said one, do you go to prayers now? Why,
answered the other, in case of a storm, or any other danger: Ay, said
the first, there’s some sense in that, but my master makes us pray when
there is no more occasion for it than for my leaping overboard.
66. A midshipman, one night, in company with Joe Miller and myself, told
us, that being once in great danger at sea, everybody was observed to be
upon their knees but one man, who, being called upon to come, with the
rest of the hands, to prayers: Not I, said he, it is your business to
take care of the ship, I am but a passenger.
67. Three or four roguish scholars walking out one day from the
University of Oxford, spied a poor fellow near Abingdon asleep in a
ditch, with an ass by him, loaded with earthen ware, holding the bridle
in his hand: says one of the scholars to the rest, If you will assist
me, I’ll help you to a little money, for you know we are bare at
present. No doubt of it they were not long consenting. Why, then, said
he, we’ll go and sell this old fellow’s ass at Abingdon; for you know
the fair is to-morrow, and we shall meet with chapmen enough: therefore
do you take the panniers off, and put them upon my back, and that bridle
over my head, and then lead you the ass to market, and let me alone with
the old man. This being done accordingly, in a little time after, the
poor man awaking, was strangely surprised to see his ass thus
metamorphosed. Oh! for God’s sake, said the scholar, take this bridle
out of my mouth, and this load from my back. Zoons! how came you here?
replied the old man. Why, said he, my father, who is a necromancer, upon
an idle thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me into an ass; but
now his heart has relented, and I am come to my own shape again, I beg
you will let me go home and thank him.―By all means, said the crockery
merchant, I do not desire to have any thing to do with conjuration; and
so set the scholar at liberty, who went directly to his comrades, that
by this time were making merry with the money they had sold the ass for.
But the old fellow was forced to go the next day to seek for a new one
in the fair; and after having looked on several, his own was shown him
for a good one. Oh! said he, what have he and his father quarrelled
again already? No, no, I’ll have nothing to say to him.
68. Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the watermen told
him, as they passed by Peterborough House, that that house had sunk a
story. No, friend, said he, I rather believe it is a story raised.
69. The aforesaid house, which is the very last in London, one way,
being rebuilt, a gentleman asked another, Who lived in it? His friend
told him, Sir Robert Grosvenor. I don’t know, said the first, what
estate Sir Robert has, but he ought to have a very good one; for nobody
lives beyond him in the whole town.
70. Two gentlemen disputing about religion, in Button’s Coffee-house,
said one of them, I wonder, sir, you should talk of religion, when I’ll
hold you five guineas you can’t say the Lord’s Prayer. Done, said the
other, and Sir Richard Steele shall hold stakes. The money being
deposited, the gentleman began with, I believe in God, and so went
cleverly through the Creed. Well, said the other, I own I have lost; I
did not think he could have done it.
71. A certain author was telling Dr. Sewel, that a passage he found
fault with in his poem might be justified, and that he thought it a
metaphor: It is such a one, said the doctor, as truly I never met-afore.
72. King Henry VIII. designing to send a nobleman on an embassy to
Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, he begged to be excused,
saying, such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I.
might go near to cost him his life. Fear not, said old Harry, if the
French king should offer to take away your life, I would revenge you by
taking off the heads of many Frenchmen now in my power. But of all those
heads, replied the nobleman, there may not be one to fit my shoulders.
73. A parson preaching a tiresome sermon on happiness or bliss; when he
had done, a gentleman told him he had forgot one sort of happiness:
Happy are they that did not hear your sermon.
74. A country fellow, who was just come to London, gaping about in every
shop he came to, at last looked into a scrivener’s, where seeing only
one man sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what commodity was sold
there; but calling to the clerk, Pray, sir, said he, what do you sell
here?―Loggerheads, cried the other. Do you? answered the countryman;
egad, then you’ve a special trade; for I see you have but one left.
75. Manners, who was himself but lately made Earl of Rutland, told Sir
Thomas More, He was too much elated by his preferment; that he verified
the old proverb, “Honores mutant Mores.” No, my lord, said Sir Thomas,
the pun will do much better in English, “Honors change Manners.”
76. A mayor of Yarmouth, in ancient times, being by his office a justice
of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely,
though he could hardly read, got him the statute book, where, finding a
law against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired, after
nine of the clock at night; the poor man read it, frying bacon or
causing any bacon to be fried; and accordingly went out the next night
upon the scent, and being directed by his nose to the carrier’s house,
he found the man and his wife both frying of bacon, the husband holding
the pan while the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact, and
having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to
jail without bail or mainprize.
77. The late facetious Mr. Spiller, being at the rehearsal, on a
Saturday morning, the time when the actors are usually paid, was asking
another, Whether Mr. Wood, the treasurer of the house, had anything to
say to them that morning: No, faith, Jemmy, replied the other, I’m
afraid there’s no cole―(which is a cant word for money). Then, said
Spiller, if there’s no cole we must burn Wood.
78. A witty knave coming into a lace shop upon Ludgate Hill, said, he
had occasion for a small quantity of very fine lace, and having pitched
upon that he liked, asked the woman of the shop how much she would have
for as much as could reach from one of his ears to the other, and
measure which way she pleased, either over his head or under his chin.
After some words they agreed, and he paid the money down, and began to
measure, saying, One of my ears is here, and the other is nailed to the
pillory in Bristol, therefore I fear you have not enough to make good
the bargain; however, I will take this piece in part, and desire you
will provide the rest with all expedition.
79. When Sir Cloudesly Shovel set out on his last expedition, there was
a form of prayer composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, for the
success of the fleet, in which his grace made use of this unlucky
expression, That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the fleet;
which occasioned the following lines to be made upon the monument set up
for him in Westminster Abbey, he being cast away in that expedition on
the rocks called The Bishop and his Clerks:
As Lambeth pray’d, such was the dire event,
Else had we wanted now this monument;
That God unto our fleet would be a rock,
Nor did kind Heaven the wise petition mock:
To what the Metropolitan said then,
The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen.
80. A French marquis, being one day at dinner at the late Roger
Williams’s, the famous punster and publican, and boasting of the happy
genius of his nation, in projecting all the fine modes and fashions,
particularly the ruffle, which, he said, was de fine ornament to de
hand, and had been followed by all de oder nations. Roger allowed what
he said, but observed at the same time, That the English, according to
custom, had made a great improvement upon their invention, by adding the
shirt to it.
81. A poor dirty shoe-boy going into a church, one Sunday evening, and
seeing the parish boys standing in a row upon a bench to be catechized,
he gets up himself, and stands in the very first place; so the parson,
of course beginning with him, asked him, What is your name? Rugged and
Tough, answered he; Who gave you that name? said Domine: Why the boys in
our alley, replied poor Rugged and Tough.
82. A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in
several embassies, told him he looked like an owl. I know not, answered
the courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the
honor several times to represent your majesty’s person.
83. A lady’s age happening to be questioned, she affirmed she was but
forty, and called upon a gentleman who was in company, for his opinion:
Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the right when I say I am but
forty? I am sure, madam, replied he, I ought not to dispute it; for I
have constantly heard you say so for above these ten years.
84. A Venetian ambassador, going to the court of Rome, passed through
Florence, when he went to pay his respects to the Duke of Tuscany. The
duke complaining to him of the ambassador the state of Venice had sent
him, as a man unworthy of his public character. Your highness, said he,
must not wonder at it, for we have many idle pates at Venice. So have
we, replied the duke, in Florence; but we do not send them to treat of
public affairs.
85. It being proved in a trial at Guildhall, that a man’s name was
really Inch, who pretended it was Linch, I see, said the judge, the old
proverb is verified in this man, who being allowed an Inch has taken an
L.
86. A certain person came to a cardinal in Rome, and told him that he
had brought his reverence a dainty white palfrey, but he fell lame by
the way. Saith the cardinal to him, I’ll tell thee what thou shalt do;
go to such a cardinal, and such a one, naming half a dozen, and tell
them the same; and so as thy horse, if it had been sound, could have
pleased but one, with this lame horse thou shalt please half a dozen.
87. The Emperor Augustus being shown a young Grecian who very much
resembled him, asked the young man if his mother had not been at
Rome―No, sir, answered the Grecian, but my father has.
88. Cato, the censor, being asked how it came to pass that he had no
statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the commonwealth? I
had rather, said he, have this question asked, than why I had one.
89. A lady coming into a room hastily with her mantua brushed down a
Cremona fiddle that lay on a chair, and broke it; upon which, a
gentleman that was present, burst into this exclamation from Virgil:
Mantua, væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremonæ!
Ah! miserable Mantua, too near a neighbour to Cremona.
90. A devout gentleman being very earnest in his prayers in the church,
it happened that a pickpocket, being near him, stole away his watch,
who, having ended his prayers, missed it, and complained to his friend
that his watch was lost while he was at prayers; to which his friend
replied, Had you watched as well as prayed, your watch had been secure;
adding these following lines:
He that a watch will wear, this must he do,
Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too.
91. A lieutenant-colonel to one of the Irish regiments in the French
service, being dispatched by the Duke of Berwick from Fort-Keil to the
King of France, with a complaint relating to some irregularities that
had happened in the regiment; his majesty, with some emotion of mind,
told him, that the Irish troops gave him more uneasiness than all his
forces besides. Sir, said the officer, all your majesty’s enemies make
the same complaint.
92. Mr. G―n, the surgeon, being sent for to a gentleman who had just
received a slight wound in a rencounter, gave orders to his servant to
go home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain plaister; the
patient turning a little pale, Lord, sir, said he, I hope there is no
danger? Yes, indeed, is there, answered the surgeon, for if the fellow
don’t set up a good pair of heels, the wound will heal before he
returns.
93. Not many years ago, a certain temporal peer having, in a most
pathetic and elegant speech, exposed the vices and irregularities of the
clergy, and vindicated the gentlemen of the army from some imputations
unjustly laid upon them: A prelate, irritated at the nature, as well as
at the length of the speech, desired to know when the noble lord would
leave off preaching? The other answered, The very day he was made a
bishop.
94. It chanced that a merchant ship was so violently tossed in a storm
at sea, that all, despairing of safety, betook themselves to prayer,
saving one mariner, who was ever wishing to see two stars: O! said he,
that I could but see two stars, or but one of the two; and of these
words he made so frequent repetition, that disturbing the meditations of
the rest, at length one asked him what two stars, or what one star he
meant? To whom he replied, O! that I could but see the Star in
Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman Street, I care not which.
95. Dr. Heylin, a noted author, especially for his Cosmography, happened
to lose his way going to Oxford, in the forest of Whichwood, being then
attended by one of his brother’s men, the man earnestly entreated him to
lead the way; but the doctor telling him he did not know it! How, said
the fellow, that is very strange, that you who have made a book of the
whole world, cannot find the way out of this little wood.
96. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a pension from the French king, on
the interest of Cardinal Richelieu, the cardinal told him he hoped he
would not forget the word pension in his dictionary. No, my lord, said
Vaugelas, nor the word gratitude.
97. A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a
weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest?
Oh! said he, I belong to another parish.
98. A gentleman who had been out a shooting, brought home a small bird
with him, and having an Irish servant, he asked him if he had shot that
little bird? Yes, he told him. Arrah! by my shoul, honey, replied the
Irishman, it was not worth powder and shot; for this little thing would
have died in the fall.
99. An Irishman being at a tavern, where the cook was dressing some
carp, observed some of them move after they were gutted and put into the
pan, which very much surprising Teague, Well now, faith, said he, of all
the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the
longest after it is dead of any fish.
100. A young fellow riding down a steep hill, and doubting the foot of
it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked him
if it was hard at the bottom. Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard
enough at the bottom, I’ll warrant you. But in half a dozen steps the
horse sunk up to the saddle skirts, which made the young gallant whip,
spur, curse and swear. Why, thou rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst
thou not tell me it was hard at bottom? Ay, replied the other, but you
are not half way to the bottom yet.
101. It was said of one who remembered everything that he lent, but
quite forgot what he borrowed, that he had lost half his memory.
102. One speaking of Titus Oates, said, he was a villain in grain, and
deserved to be well threshed.
103. It was said of Henry Duke of Guise, that he was the greatest
usurer in all France, for he had turned all his estate into
obligations―meaning he had sold and mortgaged his patrimony to make
presents to other men.
104. An Englishman and a Welchman disputing in whose country was the
best living; said the Welchman, There is such noble housekeeping in
Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding
dinner. Ay, answered the Englishman, that was because every man toasted
his own cheese.
105. The late Sir Godfrey Kneller had always a great contempt, I will
not pretend to say how justly, for Jervis the painter; and being one day
about twenty miles from London, one of his servants told him at dinner,
that there was Mr. Jervis come that day into the same town with a coach
and four. Ay, said Sir Godfrey, but if his horses draw no better than
himself, they will never carry him to town again.
106. A gentleman asked Nanny Rochford why the Whigs, in their mourning
for Queen Anne, all wore silk stockings? Because, says she, the Tories
were worsted.
107. A counsellor pleading at the bar with spectacles on, who was blind
with one eye, said he would produce nothing but what was _ad rem_. Then,
said one of the adverse party, you must take out one glass of your
spectacles, which I am sure is of no use.
108. The famous Tom Thynne, who was very remarkable for his good
housekeeping and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the
country, a beggar coming up to him cried, He begged his worship would
give him a mug of his small beer. Why, how now, said he, what times are
these, when beggars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of
strong beer.
109. It was said of a person, who always ate at other people’s tables,
and was a great railer, that he never opened his mouth but to somebody’s
cost.
110. Pope Sixtus Quintus, who was a poor man’s son, and his father’s
house ill thatched, so that the sun came in at many places of it, would
himself make a jest of his birth, and say, That he was _nato di casa
illustre_.
111. Diogenes begging, as was the custom among many philosophers, asked
a prodigal man for more than any one else; whereupon one said to him, I
see your business, that when you find a liberal mind, you will make the
most of him. No, said Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the rest again.
112. Dr. Sewel, and two or three more gentlemen, walking towards
Hampstead on a summer’s day, were met by the famous Daniel Purcell, who
was very importunate with them to know upon what account they were going
there. The doctor merrily answering him, To make hay. Very well, replied
the other, you will be there at a very convenient season, the country
wants rakes.
113. A gentleman speaking of his servant said, I believe I command more
than any man; for before my servant will obey me in one thing, I must
command him ten times over.
114. A poor fellow who was carrying to execution, had a reprieve just as
he came to the gallows, and was carried back by a sheriff’s officer, who
told him he was a happy fellow, and asked him if he knew nothing of the
reprieve beforehand? No, replied the fellow, nor thought any more of it
than I did of my dying day.
115. A countryman admiring the stately fabric of St. Paul’s, asked,
whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond sea?
116. Fabricius, the Roman consul, showed a great nobleness of mind, when
the physician of King Pyrrhus made him a proposal to poison his master,
by sending the physician back to Pyrrhus, with these memorable words;
Learn, O king, to make better choice both of thy friends and of thy
foes.
117. A soldier was bragging before Julius Cæsar of the wounds he had
received in his face. Cæsar, knowing him to be a coward, told him he had
best take heed the next time he ran away, how he looked back.
118. The Trojans sending ambassadors to condole with Tiberius, upon the
death of his father-in-law, Augustus, it was so long after, that the
emperor hardly thought it a compliment; but told them he was likewise
sorry that they had lost so valiant a knight as Hector [slain above a
thousand years before].
119. Cato Major used to say, That wise men learnt more from fools, than
fools from wise men.
120. A braggadocio chancing, upon an occasion, to run away full speed,
was asked by one, What was become of that courage he used so much to
talk of? It is got, said he, all into my heels.
121. Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what he thought of poets? Why, said
he, I think them the very best writers next to those who write in prose.
122. A profligate young nobleman, being in company with some sober
people, desired leave to toast the devil. The gentleman, who sat next to
him, said, He had no objection to any of his lordship’s friends.
123. A Scotsman was very angry with an English gentleman, who, he said,
had abused him, and called him, false Scot. Indeed, said the Englishman,
I said no such thing, but that you were a true Scot.
124. The late Commissary-General G―ley, who once kept a glass-shop,
having Colonel P―c―k’s regiment under a muster, made great complaints
of the men’s appearance, &c., and said that the regiment ought to be
broke. Then, sir, said the Colonel, perhaps you think a regiment is as
soon broke as a looking-glass.
125. Curll, the bookseller, being under examination at the bar of the
House of Lords, for publishing the posthumous works of the late Duke of
Buckingham, without leave of the family, told their Lordships in his
defence, That if the duke was living, he was sure he would readily
pardon the offence.
126. Mr. E―ll―s, the painter, having finished a very good picture of
Figg, the prize-fighter, who had been famous in getting the better of
several Irishmen of the same profession, the piece was shown to old
Johnson the player, who was told at the same time, that Mr. E―ll―s
designed to have a mezzotinto print taken from it, but wanted a motto to
be put under it. Then, said old Johnson, I’ll give you one: A Fig for
the Irish.
127. A gentleman coming to an inn in Smithfield, and seeing the ostler
expert and tractable about the horses, asked how long he had lived
there, and what countryman he was? I’se Yorkshire, said the fellow, and
ha’ lived sixteen years here. I wonder, replied the gentleman, that, in
so long a time, so clever a fellow as you seem to be, have not come to
be master of the inn yourself. Ay, answered the ostler, but maister’s
Yorkshire too.
128. The late Colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill life and
character, told a certain nobleman, that if such a thing as a good name
was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000_l._ for one. The
nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst money he ever laid out in
his life. Why so? said the honest Colonel. Because, answered the lord,
you would forfeit it again in less than a week.
129. A seedy, poor, half-pay captain, who was much given to blabbing
everything he heard, was told, There was but one secret in the world he
could keep, and that was, where he lodged.
130. Jack M―n going one day into the apartments in St. James’s, found a
lady of his acquaintance sitting in one of the windows, who very
courteously asked him to sit down by her, telling him there was a place.
No, madam, said he, I do not come to court for a place. If the gentle
reader should have a desire to repeat this story, let him not make the
same blunder that a certain English-Irish foolish lord did, who made the
lady ask Jack to sit down by her, telling him there was room.
131. A certain lady of quality sending her Irish footman to fetch home a
pair of new stays, strictly charged him to take coach if it rained, for
fear of wetting them: but a great shower of rain falling, the fellow
returned with the stays dropping wet; and being severely reprimanded for
not doing as he was ordered to do, he said, he had obeyed her orders.
How then, answered the lady, could the stays be wet, if you took them
into the coach with you? No, replied Teague, I knew my place better, I
did not go into the coach, but rode behind, as I always used to do.
132. Tom Warner, the late publisher of newspapers and pamphlets, being
very near his end, a gentlewoman in the neighbourhood sending her maid
to inquire how he did? he bid the girl tell her mistress, That he hoped
he was going to the new Jerusalem. Ay, dear sir, said she, I dare say
the air of Islington would do you more good.
133. The deputies of Rochelle attending to speak with Henry the Fourth
of France, met with a physician who had renounced the Protestant
religion, and embraced the Popish communion, whom they began to revile
most grievously. The king, hearing of it, told the deputies, he advised
them to change their religion too; for it is a dangerous symptom, said
he, that your religion is not long lived, when a physician has given it
over.
134. Two Oxford scholars meeting on the road with a Yorkshire ostler,
they fell to bantering him, and told the fellow that they would prove
him to be a horse or an ass. Well, said the ostler, and I can prove your
saddle to be a mule. A mule! cried one of them, how can that be?
Because, said the ostler, it is something between a horse and an ass.
135. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an inn
to lodge, when the host, perceiving him a close-fisted cur, having
called for nothing but a pint of beer and a pennyworth of bread, to eat
with a salad he gathered by the way, resolved to fit him for it,
therefore seemed to pay him an extraordinary respect, laid him a clean
cloth for supper, and complimented him with the best bed in the house.
In the morning he set a good salad before him, with cold meat, butter,
&c., which provoked the monsieur to the generosity of calling for
half-a-pint of wine; then coming to pay, the host gave him a bill,
which, for the best bed, wine, salad, and other appurtenances, he had
enhanced to the value of twenty shillings. Jernie, says the Frenchman,
twenty shillings! Vat you mean? But all his spluttering was in vain; for
the host, with a great deal of tavern elocution, made him sensible
nothing could be abated. The monsieur, therefore, seeing no remedy but
patience, seemed to pay it cheerfully. After which, he told the host,
that his house being extremely troubled with rats, he could give him a
receipt to drive them away, so as they should never return again. The
host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome guests, who were
every day doing him one mischief or another, at length concluded to give
monsieur twenty shillings for a receipt: which done, Big-gar, says the
monsieur, you make a de rat one such bill as you make me, and if ever
dey trouble your house again, me will be hang.
136. A Westminster justice taking coach in the city, and being set down
at Youngman’s Coffee-house, Charing Cross, the driver demanded
eighteenpence as his fare, the justice asked him if he would swear the
ground came to the money. The man said, He would take his oath on’t. The
justice replied, Friend, I’m a magistrate; and pulling the book out of
his pocket, administered the oath, and then gave the fellow sixpence,
saying, he must reserve the shilling to himself for the affidavit.
137. A countryman passing along the Strand, saw a coach overturned, and
asking what the matter was, he was told, That three or four members of
parliament were overturned in that coach. Oh! says he, there let them
lie; my father always advised me not to meddle with state affairs.
138. One saying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent critic, was answered,
That indeed his writings were much to be valued; for that by his
criticism, he taught men how to write well; and by his poetry showed
them what it was to write ill; so that the world was sure to edify by
him.
139. One going to see a friend who had lain a considerable time in the
Marshalsea prison, in a starving condition, was persuading him, rather
than lie there in that miserable case, to go to sea; which not agreeing
with his high spirit, I thank you for your advice, replied the prisoner,
but if I go to sea, I’m resolved it shall be upon good ground.
140. A drunken fellow carrying his wife’s bible to pawn for a quartern
of gin, to an ale-house, the man of the house refused to take it. What,
said the fellow, will neither my word nor the word of God pass with you?
141. A certain Justice of the Peace not far from Clerkenwell, in the
first year of King George the First, when his clerk was reading a
mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini 1714, he cried out with some
warmth, And why not Georgio Domini? sure, you forget yourself strangely.
142. A certain nobleman, a courtier, in the beginning of the late reign,
coming out of the House of Lords, accosted the Duke of Buckingham, with,
How does your pot boil, my lord, these troublesome times? To which his
grace replied, I never go into my kitchen, but I dare say the scum is
uppermost.
143. The Lord North and Grey being once at an assembly at the Theatre
Royal in the Haymarket, was pleased to tell Mr. Heidigger, he would make
him a present of 100_l._, if he could produce an uglier face in the
whole kingdom, than his, the said Heidigger’s, within a year and a day.
Mr. Heidigger went instantly and fetched a looking-glass, and presented
it to his lordship, saying, He did not doubt but that his lordship had
honour enough to keep his promise.
144. A person who had an unmeasurable stomach, coming to a cook-shop to
dine, said, it was not his way to have his meat cut, but to pay 8_d._
for his ordinary; which the cook seemed to think reasonable enough, and
so set a shoulder of mutton before him of a half-crown price, to cut
where he pleased; with which he so played the cormorant, that he
devoured all but the bone, paid his ordinary and trooped off. The next
time he came, the cook casting a sheep’s-eye at him, desired him to
agree for his victual, for he’d have no more ordinaries. Why? says he, I
am sure I paid you an ordinary price.
145. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham (Villiers) once said in a
melancholy humour, he was afraid he should die a beggar, which was the
most terrible thing in the world; upon which a friend of his grace
replied, No, my lord, there is a more terrible thing than that, and
which you have reason to fear, and that is, that you will live a beggar.
146. The same noble Duke, another time, was making his complaint to Sir
John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him
what he should do to prevent the ruin of his estate? Live as I do, my
lord, said Sir John. That I can do, answered the duke, when I am ruined.
147. At another time a person who had long been a dependant on His
Grace, begged his interest for him at court; and to press the thing more
home upon the duke, said, he had nobody to depend upon but God and His
Grace. Then, said the duke, you are in a miserable way; for you could
not have pitched upon any two persons who have less interest at court.
148. The old Lord Strangford taking a bottle with the parson of the
parish, was commending his own wine: Here, doctor, said he, I can send a
couple of ho-ho-hounds to Fra-Fra-France (for his lordship had a great
impediment in his speech) and have a ho-ho-hogs-head of this wine for
them: What do you say to that, doctor? Why, replied he, I say, that your
lordship has your wine dog cheap.
149. The famous Jack Ogle of facetious memory, having borrowed on note
five pounds, and failing the payment, the gentleman who had lent it,
indiscreetly took occasion to talk of it in the public coffee-house,
which obliged Jack to take notice of it, so that it came to a challenge.
Being got into the field, the gentleman, a little tender in point of
courage, offered him the note to make the matter up, to which our hero
consented readily, and had the note delivered. But now, said the
gentleman, if we should return without fighting, our companions will
laugh at us; therefore, let’s give one another a slight scar, and say we
wounded one another. With all my heart, says Jack; come, I’ll wound you
first; so drawing his sword, he whipt it through the fleshy part of his
antagonist’s arm, till he brought the very tears in his eyes. This being
done, and the wound tied up with a handkerchief: Come, said the
gentleman, where shall I wound you? Jack putting himself in a fighting
posture, cried, Where you can, good sir. Well, well, said the other, I
can swear I received this wound of you; and so marched off contentedly.
150. A traveller coming into an inn once, on a very cold night, stood so
near the fire that he burned his boots. An arch rogue that sat in the
chimney corner, called out to him, Sir, you’ll burn your spurs
presently. My boots you mean, I suppose? No, sir, said he, they are
burned already.
151. In eighty-eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from Temple Bar along
Fleet Street, on some procession, the lawyers were ranged on one side of
the way, and the citizens on the other; says the Lord Bacon, then a
student, to a lawyer that stood next to him, Do but observe the
courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to
us, they are in law.
152. Some gentlemen having a hare for supper at a tavern, the cook,
instead of a pudding, had crammed the belly full of thyme, but had not
above half roasted the hare, the legs being almost raw; which one of the
company observing, said, There was too much thyme (time) in the belly,
and too little in the legs.
153. Two countrymen, who had never seen a play in their lives, nor had
any notion of it, went to the theatre in Drury Lane, when they placed
themselves snug in the corner of the middle gallery; the first music
played, which they liked well enough; then the second and third, to
their great satisfaction: at length the curtain drew up, and three or
four actors entered to begin the play; upon which one of the countrymen
cried to the other, Come, Hodge, let’s be going, mayhap the gentlemen
are talking about business.
154. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way,
called to him with an insolent air, Well, honest fellow, said one of
them, ’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour.
To which the countryman replied, ’Tis very likely you may, truly; for I
am sowing hemp.
155. Two inseparable comrades who rode in the guards in Flanders, had
everything in common between them. One of them being an extravagant
fellow, and unfit to be trusted with money, the other was always
purse-bearer, which yet he gained little by, for the former would at
night frequently pick his pocket to the last stiver; to prevent which,
he bethought himself of a stratagem; and coming among his companions the
next day, he told them he had bit his comrade. Ah, how? said they. Why,
replied he, I hid my money in his own pocket last night, and I was sure
he would never look for it there.
156. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a captain in the marines,
was quartered at a village where he buried a pretty many of his men; at
length the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment
unless he was paid for it; which being told Captain Rook, he ordered six
men of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay
him upon the parson’s hall-table. This so embarrassed the parson, that
he sent the captain word, if he would fetch the man away, he would bury
him and all his company for nothing.
157. A reverend and charitable divine, for the benefit of the country
where he resided, caused a large causeway to be begun; and as he was one
day overlooking the work, a certain nobleman came by: Well, doctor, said
he, for all your great pains and charity, I don’t take this to be the
highway to heaven. Very true, replied the doctor, for if it had, I
should have wondered to have met your lordship here.
158. Two Jesuits having packed together an innumerable parcel of
miraculous lies, a person who heard them, without taking upon him to
contradict them, told them one of his own: That at St. Alban’s there was
a stone cistern, in which water was always preserved for the use of that
saint, and that ever since, if a swine should drink out of it, he would
instantly die. The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the story, set out the
next day to St. Alban’s, where they found themselves miserably deceived.
On their return, they upbraided the person with telling them so
monstrous a story. Look you there now, said he, you told me a hundred
lies t’other night, and I had more breeding than to contradict you: I
told you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to confute me, which is
very uncivil.
159. A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one day at the fruitfulness
of their countries, the Englishman said, there was a close near the town
where he was born, which was so very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown
in overnight, it would be so covered with grass that it should be
difficult to find it the next day. Splut, said the Welchman, what’s
that? There’s a close where hur was born, where you may put your horse
in overnight, and not be able to find him next morning.
160. A country fellow in Charles the Second’s time, selling his load of
hay in the Haymarket, two gentlemen who came out of the Blue Posts, were
talking of affairs; one said, that things did not go right, the king had
been at the house and prorogued the parliament. The countryman coming
home, was asked, What news in London? Odd’s heart, said he, there’s
something to do there, the king has, it seems, berogued the parliament
sadly.
161. A wild young gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous
young lady, the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at
his return that she was dead, and had been buried. In the meantime, she
had so placed herself in disguise, as to be able to observe how he took
the news; and finding him still the gay, inconstant man he always had
been, she appeared to him as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed
not at all dismayed; at length, disclosing herself to him, he then
appeared pretty much surprised; a person by said, Why, sir, you seem
more afraid now than before! Ay, replied he, most men are more afraid of
a living wife than of a dead one.
162. An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running
heedlessly along the ship’s gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and was
drowned; being soon after taken up, the coroner’s jury was summoned to
sit upon the body. One of the jurymen returning home, was called to by
an alderman of the town, and asked, what verdict they brought in, and
whether they found it _felo de se_? Ay, ay, says the juryman, shaking
his noddle, he fell into the sea, sure enough.
163. One losing a bag of money of about 50_l._ between the Temple Gate
and Temple Bar, fixed a paper up, offering 10_l._ reward to those who
took it up, and should return it; upon which the person that had it,
came and writ underneath to the following effect: Sir, I thank you, but
you bid me to my loss.
164. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous crime,
the eldest was turned off first, without speaking one word; the other
mounting the ladder, began to harangue the crowd, whose ears were
attentively open to hear him, expecting some confession from him. Good
people, says he, my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a
lamentable spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off
too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles.
165. It was an usual saying of King Charles II., that sailors got their
money like horses, and spent it like asses. The following story is
somewhat an instance of it; one sailor coming to see another on pay-day,
desired to borrow twenty shillings of him. The monied man fell to
telling out the sum in shillings, but a half-crown thrusting its head
in, put him out, and he began to tell again; but then an impertinent
crown-piece was as officious as his half brother had been, and again
interrupted the tale; so that taking up a handful of silver, he cried,
Here, Jack, give me a handful when your ship’s paid; what signifies
counting it?
166. A person inquiring what became of Such-a-one? Oh, dear, says one of
the company, poor fellow, he died insolvent, and was buried by the
parish. Died insolvent! cries another, that’s a lie, for he died in
England: I am sure, I was at his burying.
167. A humorous countryman having bought a barn in partnership with a
neighbor of his, neglected to make the least use of it, whilst the other
had plentifully stored his part with corn and hay. In a little time the
latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about
laying out his money so fruitlessly. Pray neighbour, says he, ne’er
trouble your head, you may do what you will with your part of the barn,
but I will set mine o’ fire.
168. A young gentlewoman, who had married a very wild spark, that had
run through a plentiful fortune, and was reduced to some straits, was
innocently saying to him one day, My dear, I want some shifts sadly. How
can that be? replied he, when we make so many every day.
169. A fellow once standing in the pillory at Temple Bar, it occasioned
a stop, so that a carman with a load of cheeses had much ado to pass;
and driving just up to the pillory, he was asked, What that was that was
writ over the person’s head? They told him, it was a paper to signify
his crime, that he stood for forgery. Ay! said he, What is forgery? They
answered him, That forgery was counterfeiting another’s hand, with
intent to cheat people. To which the carman replied, looking up at the
offender, Oh, this comes of your writing and reading, you silly dog.
170. When the Prince of Orange came over, five of the seven bishops who
were sent to the Tower, declared for his highness, and the two others
would not come into measures; upon which, Mr. Dryden said, that the
seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be assayed at the Tower, and five
of them proved to be prince’s metal.
171. A dog coming open-mouthed at a serjeant on a march, he ran the
spear of his halbert into his throat and killed him. The owner coming
out, raved extremely that his dog was killed, and asked the serjeant,
Why he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt end of the
halbert? So I would, said he, if he had run at me with his tail.
172. King Charles II. being in company with Lord Rochester and others of
the nobility, who had been drinking best part of the night, Killigrew
came in. Now, says the king, we shall hear of our faults. No, faith,
says Killigrew, I don’t care to trouble my head with that which all the
town talks of.
173. One, who had been a very termagant wife, lying on her death-bed,
desired her husband, That as she had brought him a fortune, she might
have liberty to make her will, for bestowing a few legacies to her
relations. No, madam, says he, you have had your will all your lifetime,
and now I will have mine.
174. When the Lord Jeffries, before he was a judge, was pleading at the
bar once, a country fellow giving evidence against his client, pushed
the matter very home on the side he swore of. Jeffries, after his usual
way, called out to the fellow, Hark you, you fellow in the leather
doublet, what have you for swearing? To which the countryman smartly
replied, Faith, sir, if you have no more for lying than I have for
swearing, you may go in a leather doublet too.
175. The same Jeffries afterward on the bench, told an old fellow with a
long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard.
Does your lordship, replied the old man, measure consciences by beards?
If so, your lordship has no beard at all.
176. Apelles, the famous painter, having drawn the picture of Alexander
the Great on horseback, brought it and presented it to the prince; but
he not bestowing that praise on it which so excellent a piece deserved,
Apelles desired a living horse might be brought; who, moved by nature,
fell a prancing and neighing, as though it had been actually a living
creature of the same species; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, That his
horse understood painting better than himself.
177. A company of gamesters falling out at a tavern, gave one another
very scurvy language; at length, those dreadful messengers of anger, the
bottles and glasses, flew about like hail shot; one of which mistaking
its errand, and hitting the wainscot instead of the person’s head it was
thrown at, brought the drawer rushing in, who cried, D’ye call,
gentlemen? Call gentlemen, said one of the standers by, no, they don’t
call gentlemen, but they call one another rogue and rascal as fast as
they can.
178. One observing a crooked fellow in close argument with another, who
would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable resolution, said to
his friend, Prithee let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he’s
bent upon it.
179. Bully Dawson was overturned in a hackney-coach once, pretty near
his lodgings; and being got on his legs again, he said, ’Twas the
greatest piece of providence that ever befell him, for it had saved him
the trouble of bilking the coachman.
180. Sir Godfrey Kneller and the late Dr. Ratcliffe had a garden in
common, with a common gate: Sir Godfrey upon some occasion, ordered the
gate to be nailed up. When the doctor heard of it, he said he did not
care what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not paint it. This
being told Sir Godfrey, he replied he would take that, or anything else,
from his good friend Dr. Ratcliffe, but his physic.
181. A certain worthy gentleman having among his friends the nickname of
Bos, which was a kind of contraction of his real name; when his late
majesty conferred the honour of a peerage upon him, a pamphlet was soon
after published, with many sarcastical jokes upon him, and had this part
of a line from Horace as a motto, viz., “_Optat epipipa Bos_.” My lord
asked a friend who could read Latin, What that meant? It is as much as
to say, my lord, said he, that you become honours as a sow does a
saddle. Oh! very fine! said my lord. Soon after, another friend coming
to see him, the pamphlet was again spoken of. I would, says my lord,
give five hundred pounds to know the author of it. I don’t know the
author of the pamphlet, said his friend, but I know who wrote the motto.
Ay, cried my lord, prithee who was it? Horace, answered the other. How,
replied his lordship, a dirty dog, is that the return he makes for all
the services I have done him and his brother?
182. In the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the former, who
was a great courtier, said, His adversary reasoned well, but he barked
like a cur. To which the other replied, That fawning was the property of
a cur as well as barking.
183. Second thoughts, we commonly say, are best, and young women, who
pretend to be averse to marriage, desire not to be taken at their words.
One asking a girl, If she would have him? Faith, no, John, says she, but
you may have me, if you will.
184. A gentleman lying on his death-bed, called to his coachman, who had
been an old servant, and said, Ah, Tom, I am going a long and rugged
journey, worse than ever you drove me. Oh, dear sir, replied the fellow,
(he having been but an indifferent master to him,) ne’er let that
discourage you, for it is all down hill.
185. An honest bluff country farmer, meeting the parson of the parish in
a bye lane, and not giving him the way so readily as he expected, the
parson with an erected crest, told him he was better fed than taught.
Very true, indeed, sir, replied the farmer, for you teach me, and I feed
myself.
186. One making a furious assault upon a hot apple pie, burned his mouth
until the tears ran down, his friend asked him, Why he wept? Only, said
he, because it is just come into my mind, that my grandmother died this
day twelvemonth. Phoo, said the other, is that all? so whipping a large
piece into his mouth, he quickly sympathized with his companion; who
seeing his eyes brim full, with a malicious sneer, asked him why he
wept? Because you were not hanged the same day your grandmother died.
187. A lady who had married a gentleman that was a tolerable poet, one
day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my dear, you write upon
other people, prithee write something for me; let me see what epitaph
you’ll bestow upon me when I die. Oh, my dear, replied he, that’s a
melancholy subject, prithee don’t think of it. Nay, upon my life you
shall, adds she. Come, I’ll begin―
Here lies Bid-
To which he answered,
Ah! I wish she did.
188. A cowardly servant having been hunting with his lord, they had
killed a wild boar; the fellow seeing the boar stir, betook himself to a
tree; upon which his master called to him, and asked him What he was
afraid of? the boar’s guts are out. No matter for that, said he, his
teeth are in.
189. One telling another that he had once so excellent a gun, that it
went off immediately upon a thief’s coming into the house, although it
was not charged. How the devil can that be? said the other. Because,
said the first, the thief carried it off; and what was worse, before I
had time to charge him with it.
190. Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty merry, a link-boy
cried, Have a light, gentlemen? Light yourself to the devil, you dog,
said one of the company. Bless you, master, replied the boy, we can find
the way in the dark; shall we light your worship thither?
191. A person was once tried at Kingston before the late Lord Chief
Justice Holt, for having two wives, where one Unit was to have been the
chief evidence against him. After much calling for him, word was brought
that they could hear nothing of him. No! says his lordship, why then,
all I can say is, Mr. Unit stands for a cipher.
192. It is certainly the most transcendent pleasure to be agreeably
surprised with the confession of love from an adored mistress. A young
gentleman, after a very great misfortune, came to his mistress, and told
her, he was reduced even to the want of five guineas. To which she
replied, I am glad of it, with all my heart. Are you so, madam? adds he,
suspecting her constancy: Pray, why so? Because, said she, I can furnish
you with five thousand.
193. On a public night of rejoicing, when bonfires and illuminations
were made, some honest fellows were drinking the king’s health, and
prosperity to England as long as the sun and moon endured. Ay, says one,
and 500 years after, for I have put both my sons apprentices to a
tallow-chandler.
194. A young fellow having made an end of all he had, even to his last
suit of clothes, one said to him, Now, I hope, you’ll own yourself a
happy man, for you have made an end of all your cares. How so? said the
gentleman. Because, said the other, you have nothing left to take care
of.
195. Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when
by his solicitations and compliance at court, he got removed from a poor
Welsh bishopric, to a rich English one, a reverend Dean of the church
said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt prophet with an _f_.
196. Some years ago, when his majesty used to hunt frequently in
Richmond Park, it brought such crowds of people thither, that orders
were given to admit none, when the king was there himself, but the
servants of his household. A fat country parson having on one of these
days a great inclination to make one of the company, Captain B―d―ns
promised to introduce him; but coming to the gate, the keepers would
have stopped him, by telling him that none but the household were to be
admitted. Why, said the captain, don’t you know the gentleman? He’s his
majesty’s hunting chaplain. Upon which, the keepers asked pardon, and
left the reverend gentleman to his recreation.
197. The learned Mr. Charles Barnard, serjeant-surgeon to Queen Anne,
being very severe upon parsons having pluralities, a reverend and worthy
divine heard him a good while with patience, but at length took him up
with this question: Why do you, Mr. Serjeant Barnard, rail thus at
pluralities, who have always so many fine cures upon your hands?
198. A worthy old gentleman in the country having employed an attorney,
of whom he had a pretty good opinion, to do some law business for him in
London, he was greatly surprised, on his coming to town, and demanding
his bill of law charges, to find that it amounted to at least three
times the sum he expected; the honest attorney assured him, that there
was no article in his bill, but what was fair and reasonable. Nay, said
the country gentleman, there’s one of them I am sure cannot be so, for
you have set down three shillings and fourpence for going to Southwark,
when none of my business lay that way; pray, what is the meaning of
that, sir? Oh, sir, said he, that was for fetching the chine and turkey
from the carrier’s that you sent me for a present out of the country.
199. A gentleman going into a meeting-house, and stumbling over one of
the forms that were set there, cried out in a passion, Who expected set
forms in a meeting-house?
200. My Lord Chief Justice Jeffries had a cause before him between a Jew
that was plaintiff, and a Christian defendant. The latter pleaded,
though the debt was very just, that the Jew had no right, by the laws of
England, to bring an action. Well, says my lord, have you no other plea?
No, my lord, says he, I insist on this plea. Do you? said my lord, then
let me tell you, you are the greater Jew of the two.
201. A butcher in Smithfield, that lay on his death-bed, said to his
wife, My dear, I am not a man for this world, therefore I advise you to
marry our man John. Oh, dear husband, said she, if that’s all, never let
it trouble you, for John and I have agreed that matter already.
202. A gentleman having bespoke a supper at an inn, desired his landlord
to sup with him. The host came up, and thinking to pay a greater
compliment than ordinary to his guest, pretended to find fault with the
laying the cloth, and took the plates and knives, and threw them down
stairs. The gentleman resolving not to balk his humour, threw the
bottles and glasses down also; at which the host being surprised,
inquired the reason of his so doing. Nay, nothing, replied the
gentleman; but when I saw you throw the plates and knives down stairs, I
thought you had a mind to sup below.
203. A philosopher carrying something hid under his cloak, an
impertinent person asked him what he had under his cloak? To which the
philosopher answered, I carry it there that you might not know.
204. When his late majesty, in coming from Holland, happened to meet
with a violent storm at sea, the captain of the yacht cried to the
chaplain, In five minutes more, doctor, we shall be with the Lord. The
Lord forbid, answered the doctor.
205. A gentleman, who had been a great traveller, would oftentimes talk
so extravagantly of the wonderful things he had seen abroad, that a
friend of his took notice to him of his exposing himself as he did to
all companies, and asked him the meaning of it? Why, says the traveller,
I have got such a habit of lying since I have been abroad, that I really
hardly know when I lie, and when I speak truth; and should be very much
obliged to you, if you would tread upon my toe at any time when I am
likely to give myself too much liberty that way. His friend promised he
would; and accordingly, not long after, being at a tavern with him and
other company, when the traveller was, amongst other strange things,
giving an account of a church he had seen in Italy, that was above two
miles long, he trod on his toe, just as one of the company had asked,
How broad that same church might be? Oh, said he, not above two feet.
Upon which, the company bursting into a loud laugh; Zounds, said he, if
you had not trod upon my toe, I should have made it as broad as it was
long.
206. A justice of peace seeing a parson on a very stately horse, riding
between London and Hampstead, said to some gentlemen who were with him,
Do you see what a beautiful horse that proud parson has got? I’ll banter
him a little. Doctor, said he, you don’t follow the example of your
great master, who was humbly content to ride upon an ass. Why really,
sir, replied the parson, the king has made so many asses justices, that
an honest clergyman can hardly find one to ride, if he had a mind to.
207. The Duchess of Newcastle, who wrote plays and romances, in King
Charles the Second’s time, asked Bishop Wilkins, How she could get up to
the world in the moon, which he had discovered; for as the journey must
needs be very long, there would be no possibility of going through it,
without resting on the way? Oh, madam, said the bishop, your grace has
built so many castles in the air, that you can never want a place to
bait at.
208. A rich farmer’s son, who had been bred at the University, coming
home to visit his father and mother, they being one night at supper on a
couple of fowls, he told them, that by Logic and Arithmetic, he could
prove those two fowls to be three. Well, let us hear, said the old man.
Why this, cried the scholar, is one, and this, continued he, is two; two
and one, you know, make three. Since you have made it out so well,
answered the old man, your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have
the second, and the third you may keep yourself for your great learning.
209. A gentleman, who had a suit in Chancery, was called upon by his
counsel to put in his answer, for fear of incurring contempt. And why,
said the gentleman, is not my answer put in? How should I draw your
answer, cried the lawyer, ’till I know what you can swear? Pshaw,
replied the client, prithee do your part as a lawyer, and draw a
sufficient answer, and let me alone to do the part of a gentleman, and
swear to it.
210. A country lass, with a pail of milk on her head going to market,
was reckoning all the way, what she might make of it. This milk, said
she, will bring me so much money, that money will buy so many eggs,
those eggs so many chickens, and, with the fox’s leave, those chickens
will make me mistress of a pig, and that pig may grow a fat hog, and
when I have sold that, I may buy a cow and calf: and then, says she,
comes a sweetheart, perhaps a farmer; him I marry, and my neighbours
will say, How do you do, goody Such-a-one? and I’ll answer, Thank you,
neighbour, how do you? But maybe my sweetheart may be a yeoman, and then
it will be, How do you do, Mrs. Such-a-one? I’ll say, Thank you. Oh! but
suppose I should marry a gentleman; then they’ll say, Your servant,
madam, but then I’ll toss up my head, and say nothing. Upon the sudden
transport of this thought, and with the motion of her head, down came
the milk, which put an end at once to her fine scheme of her eggs, her
chickens, her pig, her hog, and her husband.
211. Daniel Purcell, who was a nonjuror, was telling a friend of his,
when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view
of him. Then, said his friend, you know him by sight? Yes, replied
Daniel, I think I know him, but I can’t swear to him.
212. An Englishman going into one of the French ordinaries in Soho, and
finding a large dish of soup with about half-a-pound of mutton in the
middle of it, began to pull off his wig, his stock, and then his coat;
at which one of the monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him what he
was going to do? Why, monsieur, I mean to strip, that I may swim through
this ocean of porridge, to yon little island of mutton.
213. A countryman driving an ass by St. James’s gate one day, which
being dull and restive, he was forced to beat it very much; a gentleman
coming out of the gate, chid the fellow for using his beast so cruelly;
Oh dear, sir, said the countryman, I am glad to find my ass has a friend
at court.
214. One Irishman meeting another, asked, What was become of their old
acquaintance Patrick Murphy? Arrah, now, dear honey, answered the other,
poor Pat was condemned to be hanged; but he saved his life by dying in
prison.
215. Another Irishman, getting on a high-mettled horse, it ran away with
him; upon which, one of his companions called to him to stop him: Arrah,
honey, cried he, how can I do that, when I have got no spurs?
216. An honest Welch carpenter, coming out of Cardiganshire, got work in
Bristol, where, in a few months, he had saved, besides his expenses,
about twelve shillings; and with this prodigious sum of money, returning
into his own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he looked back on the
town: Ah, poor Pristow, said he, if one or two more of hur countrymen
were to give hur such another shake as hur has done, it would be poor
Pristow indeed.
217. It being asked in company with my Lord C―d, whether the piers of
Westminster bridge would be of stone or wood, Oh, said my lord, of stone
to be sure, for we have too many wooden piers (peers) already at
Westminster.
218. One telling Charles XII. of Sweden, just before the battle of
Narva, that the enemy was three to one; I am glad to hear it, answered
the king, for then there will be enough to kill, enough to take
prisoners, and enough to run away.
219. A poor ingenious lad, who was a servitor at Oxford, not having
wherewithal to buy a new pair of shoes, when his old ones were very bad,
got them capped at the toes, upon which being bantered by some of his
companions, Why should they not be capped, said he, I am sure they are
Fellows.
220. The standers-by, to comfort a poor man, who lay on his death-bed,
told him, he should be carried to church by four very proper fellows: I
thank ye, said he, but I had much rather go by myself.
221. When poor Daniel Button died, one of his punning customers being at
his burial, and looking on the grave, cried out, This is a more lasting
Button hole, than any made by a tailor.
222. A toping fellow was one night making his will over his bottle: I
will give, said he, fifty pounds to five taverns, to drink to my memory
when I am dead; ten pounds to the Salutation for courtiers; ten pounds
to the Castle for soldiers; ten pounds to the Mitre for parsons; ten
pounds to the Horn for citizens; and ten pounds to the Devil for the
lawyers.
223. A gentleman calling for small beer at another gentleman’s table,
finding it very hard, gave it the servant again without drinking. What,
said the master of the house, don’t you like the beer? It is not to be
found fault with, answered the other, for one should never speak ill of
the dead.
224. A certain lord who had a termagant wife, and at the same time a
chaplain who was a tolerable poet, my lord desired him to write him a
copy of verses on a shrew. I cannot imagine, said the parson, why your
lordship should want a copy, who have so good an original.
225. A parson in his sermon having vehemently inveighed against usury,
and said, That lending money upon use was as great a sin as wilful
murder; having some time after an occasion to borrow twenty pounds
himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that intent, the
other asked him, If he would have him guilty of a crime he had spoke so
much against, and lend out money upon use? No, said the parson, I would
have you lend it gratis. Ay, replied the other, but in my opinion, if
lending money upon use be as bad as wilful murder, lending it gratis can
be little better than _felo de se_.
226. One asked his friend, Why he, being so tall and large a man
himself, had married so small a wife. Why, friend, said he, I thought
you had known, that of all evils we should choose the least.
227. A gentleman threatening to go to law, was dissuaded from it by his
friends, who desired him to consider, for the law was chargeable: I
don’t care, replied the other, I will not consider, I will go to law.
Right, said his friend, for if you go to law, I am sure you don’t
consider.
228. One good housewife, who was a notable woman at turning and
torturing her old rags, was recommending her dyer to another, as an
excellent fellow in his way: That’s impossible, said the other, for I
hear he is a great drunkard, and beats his wife, and runs in every
body’s debt. What then? said the first, he may never be the worse dyer
for all these things. No! answered the other, can you imagine so bad a
liver can die well?
229. A poor fellow, growing rich on a sudden, from a very mean and
beggarly condition, and taking great state upon him, was met one day by
one of his poor acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble manner,
but having no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great wonder
that you should not know me, when you have forgot yourself.
230. Marcus Livius, who was governor of Tarentum when Hannibal took it,
being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day
in open senate, that it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that was the
cause of the retaking the city of Tarentum. Fabius said smilingly,
Indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst thou not lost it, I should never
have retaken it.
231. One asking another which way a man might use tobacco to have any
benefit from it: By setting up a shop to sell it, said he, for certainly
there is no profit to be had from it any other way.
232. Ben Jonson being one night at the Devil tavern, there was a country
gentleman in the company, who interrupted all other discourse, with an
account of his land and tenements; at last Ben, able to bear it no
longer, said to him, What signifies your dirt and your clods to us?
where you have one acre of land I have ten acres of wit. Have you so,
said the countryman, good Mr. Wiseacre? This unexpected repartee from
the clown, struck Ben quite mute for a time: Why, how now, Ben, said one
of the company, you seem to be quite flung? I never was so pricked by a
hobnail before, replied he.
233. A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money: the lawyer bid the
boy tell his master, that he was not running away, but very busy at that
time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must needs have the money.
Didst tell thy master, said the lawyer, that I was not running away?
Yes, sir, answered the boy, but he bad me tell you that he was.
234. A smart fellow thinking to show his wit one night at the tavern,
called to the drawer, Here, Mercury, said he, take away this bottle full
of emptiness. Said one of the company, Do you speak that, Jack, of your
own head?
235. An extravagant young fellow, rallying a frugal country ’squire, who
had a good estate, and spent but little of it, said, among other things,
I’ll warrant you that plate-buttoned suit was your great-grandfather’s.
Yes, said the other, and I have my great-grandfather’s lands too.
236. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter’s servant to knock a nail
or two in his study, the fellow, after he had done, scratched his ears,
and said, He hoped the gentleman would give him something to make him
drink. Make you drink? says the gentleman, there’s a pickle herring for
you, and if that won’t make you drink I’ll give you another.
237. Alphonso, king of Naples, sent a moor, who had been his captive a
long time, to Barbary, with a considerable sum of money to purchase
horses, and to return by such a time. There was about the king a
buffoon, or jester, who had a table-book, wherein he used to register
any remarkable absurdity that happened at court. The day the moor was
dispatched to Barbary, the said jester waiting on the king at supper,
the king called for his table-book, in which the jester kept a regular
journal of absurdities. The king took the book, and read, how Alphonso,
king of Naples, had sent Beltram the moor, who had been a long time his
prisoner, to Morocco, his own country, with so many thousand crowns to
buy horses. The king turned to the jester, and asked, why he inserted
that? Because, said he, I think he will never come back to be a prisoner
again; and so you have lost both man and money. But, if he does come,
says the king, then your jest is marred: No, sir, replies the buffoon,
for if he should return, I will blot out your name, and put in his for a
fool.
238. A sharper of the town seeing a country gentleman sit alone at an
inn, and thinking something might be made of him, he went and sat near
him, and took the liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced
himself, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, Do you smoke, sir?
Yes, says the gentleman, very gravely, any one that has a design upon
me.
239. A certain country farmer was observed never to be in a good humour
when he was hungry; for this reason, his wife was fain carefully to
watch the time of his coming home, and always have dinner ready on the
table; one day he surprised her, and she had only time to set a mess of
broth ready for him, who, soon, according to custom, began to open his
pipes, and maundering over his broth, forgetting what he was about,
burnt his mouth to some purpose. The good wife seeing him in that
sputtering condition, comforted him as follows: See what it is now, had
you kept your breath to cool your pottage, you had not burnt your mouth,
John.
240. The same woman taking up dinner once on a Sunday, it happened that
the lickerish plough-boy, who lay under a strong and violent temptation,
pinched off the corner of a plum dumpling; which his dame espying, in a
great rage, laid the wooden ladle over his pate, saying, Can’t you stay,
sirrah, till your betters are served before you? The boy clapping his
hand on his head, and seeing the blood come, ’tis very hard, said he. So
it is, sirrah, said she, or it had not broke my ladle.
241. Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names were Moore, Strange,
and Wright: said the last, There is but one knave in company, and that
is Strange: Yes, answered Strange, there is one Moore: Ay, said Moore,
that’s Wright.
242. A Scotch bagpiper travelling in Ireland, opened his wallet by a
wood side, and sat down to dinner; no sooner had he said grace, but
three wolves came about him. To one he threw bread, to another meat,
till his provender was all gone―At length he took up his bagpipes, and
began to play, at which the wolves ran away. The deel faw me, said
Sawney, an I had kenned you loved music so, you should have had it
before dinner.
243. Metullus Nepos, asking Cicero, the Roman orator, in a scoffing
manner, Who was his father? Cicero replied, Thy mother has made that
question harder for thee to answer.
244. The archduke of Austria having been forced to raise the siege of a
town called Grave, in Holland, and to retreat privately in the night;
Queen Elizabeth said to his secretary here,―What, your master is risen
from the grave without sound of trumpet.
245. Soon after the death of a great officer, who was judged to have
been no great advancer of the king’s affairs, the king said to his
solicitor Bacon, who was kinsman to that lord: Now, Bacon, tell me
truly, what say you of your cousin? Mr. Bacon answered, Since your
Majesty charges me to speak, I will deal plainly with you, and give you
such a character of him, as though I was to write his history. I do
think he was no fit counsellor to have made your affairs better, yet he
was fit to have kept them from growing worse. On my soul, quoth the
king, in the first thou speakest like a true man; and in the latter like
a kinsman.
246. The same king in one of his progresses asked, How far it was to
such a town? They told him six miles and a half. He alighted out of his
coach, and went under the shoulder of one of the led horses. When some
asked his majesty what he meant? I must stalk, says he, for yonder town
is shy, and flies me.
247. Lawyers and chambermaids, said a wicked young fellow, are like
Balaam’s ass, they never speak unless they see an angel.
248. One being at his wife’s funeral, and the bearers going pretty quick
along, he cried out to them, Don’t go so fast, what need we make a toil
of pleasure?
249. A country ’squire being in company with his mistress, and wanting
his servant, cried out, Where is the blockhead? Upon your shoulders,
said the lady.
250. A philosopher being asked, why learned men frequented rich men’s
houses, but rich men seldom visited the learned, answered, That the
first know what they want, but the latter do not.
251. Among the articles exhibited to King Henry by the Irish, against
the Earl of Kildare, the last concluded thus:―And finally all Ireland
cannot rule the earl. Then said the king, The earl shall rule all
Ireland: and so made him deputy.
252. Plutarch used to say that men of small capacities put into great
places, like statues set upon great pillars, are made to appear the less
by their advancement.
253. A young fellow being told that his mistress was married; to
convince him of it, the young gentleman who told him, said, he had seen
the bride and bridegroom. Prithee, said the forsaken swain, do not call
them by those names; I cannot bear it. Shall I call them dog and cat?
answered the other. Oh, no, for heaven’s sake, replied the first, that
sounds ten times more like man and wife.
254. A sea officer, who for his courage in a former engagement, where he
had lost his leg, had been preferred to the command of a good ship; in
the heat of the next engagement, a cannon-ball took off his wooden
deputy, so that he fell upon the deck: A seaman thinking he had been
fresh wounded, called out for a surgeon. No, no, said the captain, the
carpenter will do this time.
255. A gentleman saying he had bought the stockings he had on in Wales.
Really, sir, answered another, I thought so, for they seemed to be
Well-chose, _i. e._ Welch hose.
256. A nobleman, in a certain king’s reign, being appointed groom of the
stole, his majesty took notice to him of the odd sort of perukes he used
to wear, and desired that he would now get something that was graver,
and more suitable to his age, and the high office he had conferred on
him. The next Sunday his lordship appeared at court in a very decent
peruke, which being observed by another nobleman, famous for the art of
punning, he came up to him, and told him, That he was obliged to alter
his locks now he had got the key.[2]
[2] The groom of the stole wears a gold key, tied with a blue ribbon,
at his left pocket.
257. A gentleman named Ball being about to purchase a cornetcy in a
regiment of horse, was presented to the colonel for approbation, who
being a nobleman, declared he did not like the name, and would have no
Balls in his regiment: Nor powder neither, said the gentleman, if your
lordship could help it.
258. Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from Chester to Barnet, were
confoundedly tired and fatigued with their journey; and the more so,
when they were told they had still about ten miles to London. By my soul
and St. Patrick, cries one of them, it is but five miles apiece, let’s
e’en walk on.
259. Mr. Pope, being at dinner with a noble duke, had his own servant in
livery waiting on him: The duke asked him, Why he, that eat mostly at
other people’s tables, should be such a fool as to keep a fellow in
livery only to laugh at him? ’Tis true, answered the poet, he kept but
one to laugh at him; but his grace had the honour to keep a dozen.
260. An Irish fellow, vaunting of his birth and family, affirmed, That
when he came first to England, he made such a figure, that the bells
rang through all the towns he passed to London: Ay, said a gentleman in
company, I suppose that was because you came up in a waggon with a
bell-team.
261. One meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a
little, asked him, Where he lived? Where do I live―said he, I don’t
know; but I starve down towards Wapping and that way.
262. Two country attornies overtaking a waggoner on the road, and
thinking to break a joke upon him, asked him, Why his fore-horse was so
fat and the rest so lean? The waggoner knowing them to be limbs of the
law, answered them, That his fore-horse was his lawyer and the rest were
his clients.
263. At a cause tried at the King’s Bench bar, a witness was produced
who had a very red nose, and one of the counsel, a good impudent fellow,
being desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after
he was sworn―Well, let’s hear what you have to say with your copper
nose. Why, sir, said he, by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange
my copper nose for your brazen face.
264. A gentleman having received some abuse, in passing through one of
the Inns of Chancery, from some of the impudent clerks, he was advised
to complain to the Principal, which he did accordingly; and coming
before him, accosted him in the following manner: I have been grossly
abused here by some of the rascals of this house, and understanding you
are the principal, I am come to acquaint you with it.
265. An old roundhead in Oliver’s time, complaining of some heavy rain
that fell, said a cavalier, standing by, What unreasonable fellows you
roundheads are, who will neither be pleased when God rains, nor when the
king reigns.
266. A young curate, with more pertness than wit or learning, being
asked in company, How he came to take it into his head to enter into the
ministry of the church? Because, said he, the Lord had need of me. That
may be, replied a gentleman present, for I have often read the Lord had
once need of an ass.
267. A very ignorant, but very foppish young fellow, going into a
bookseller’s shop with a relation, who went thither to buy something he
wanted, seeing his cousin look into a particular book, and smile, asked
him, What there was in that book that made him smile? Why, answered the
other, this book is dedicated to you, cousin Jack. Is it so? said he,
pray let me see it, for I never knew before that I had had such an
honour done me: upon which, taking it into his hands, he found it to be
Perkin’s Catechism, dedicated to all ignorant persons.
268. There was a short time when Mr. Handel, notwithstanding his merit,
was deserted, and his opera at the Hay-Market neglected almost by
everybody but his Majesty, for that of Porpora at Lincoln’s-Inn-Fields;
at this time another nobleman asking the earl of C―d if he would go
one night to the opera? My lord asked, Which? Oh, to that in the
Hay-Market, answered the other. No, my lord, said the earl, I have no
occasion for a private audience of his majesty to-night.
269. Some scholars, on a time, going to steal conies, by the way they
warned a novice amongst them to make no noise, for fear of spoiling
their game: but he no sooner espied some, but he cried out aloud, _Ecce
conniculi multi_. Whereupon the conies ran with all speed into their
burrows; upon which his fellows chiding him―Who, said he, would have
thought that the conies understood Latin?
270. A drunken fellow having sold all his goods, to maintain himself at
his pot, except his feather bed, at last made away with that too; when
being reproved for it by some of his friends; Why, said he, I am very
well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed?
271. An old lady meeting a Cambridge man, asked him, How her nephew
behaved himself? Truly, madam, says he, he’s a brave fellow, and sticks
close to Catherine Hall―[name of a college]. I vow, said she, I feared
as much, he was always hankering after the girls from a boy.
272. A gentleman being arrested for a pretty large sum of money, sent to
an acquaintance, who had often professed a great friendship for him, to
beg he would bail him; the other told him, that he had promised never to
be bail for anybody; but with much kindness said, I’ll tell you what you
may do, you may get somebody else if you can.
273. When king Charles the First was in great anxiety about signing the
warrant for the Earl of Strafford’s execution, saying, it was next to
death to part with so able a minister, and so loyal a subject; a certain
favorite of the king’s standing by, soon resolved his majesty, by
telling him, that in such an exigence, a man had better part with his
crutch than his leg.
274. Some rattling young fellows from London putting into a country inn,
seeing a plain rough-hewn farmer there; said one of them, You shall see
me dumb-found that countryman. So coming up to him, he gave his hat a
twirl round, saying, there’s half a crown for you, countryman. The
former, after recovering a little from his surprise, reared his oaken
towel, and surveying him very gravely, gave him two very handsome drubs
on the shoulder, saying, I thank you for your kindness, friend, there’s
two shillings of your money again.
275. One of the aforesaid rattling blades having been once a little
kicked for his impertinence, demanded of his benefactor with a bluff
face, Whether he was in earnest, or not? Yes, faith, said the other, in
very good earnest, laying his hand on his sword. Say you so? replied he,
I am glad of that with all my heart, for I don’t like such jests.
276. A merchant in London, having bought a pretty estate in Surrey, and
afterwards two or three more fields adjoining to it, a person speaking
of his purchase to a friend, said, he did not think Mr. Such-a-one had
been in circumstances to make so large a purchase. O dear! said the
other, you don’t know how considerable a man he is; why, since he bought
that estate in Surrey, he has bought Moor-fields. That must be a great
purchase, indeed, replied the other.
277. The old earl of B―d, one of the most facetious men of his time,
being once in waiting at court, made an excuse one morning to leave the
king, assuring his majesty he would be back to wait on him before 12
o’clock, there being great occasion for his attendance. The king had
inquired for him several times, his lordship having exceeded his time:
at length he came, and going to the clock in the drawing-room, heard it
strike one; at which, being a little enraged, he up with his cane and
broke the glass of the clock. The king asked him afterwards, What made
him break the clock? I am sure, says my lord, your majesty won’t be
angry when you hear. Prithee, said the king, what was it? Why blood, my
liege, the clock struck first.
278. A person having been put to great shifts to get money to support
his credit; some of his creditors at length sent him word, that they
would give him trouble. Pshaw! said he, I have had trouble enough to
borrow the money, and had not need be troubled to pay it again.
279. Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman in her garden, who had not felt
the effect of her favours so soon as he expected, looking out of her
window, said to him in Italian, What does a man think of, Sir Edward,
when he thinks of nothing? After a little pause, he answered, He thinks,
madam, of a woman’s promise. The queen shrunk in her head, but was heard
to say, Well, Sir Edward, I must not confute you: anger makes dull men
witty, but it keeps them poor.
280. A lady whose beauty was very much upon the decline, having sent her
picture to a gentleman that was to come a wooing to her, bid her
chambermaid, when she was coming to dress her, take care in repairing
her decays a little, or she should not look like her picture. I warrant
you, madam, says she, laying on the Bavarian red, a little art once made
your picture like you, now a little of the same art shall make you like
your picture; your picture must sit to you.
281. A termagant sempstress coming to dun a young fellow at his
lodgings, where he was terribly afraid to have his landlady hear; she
began to open her quail pipes at a great rate, but was presently seized
with a fit of coughing. Lord, says she, I have got such a cold I can
hardly speak. Nay, as to that, says he, I don’t care how softly you
speak. Don’t tell me of speaking softly, said she, let me have my money,
or I’ll take the law of you. Do, says he, then you’ll be forced to hold
your tongue, for the law allows nobody to scold in their own cause.
282. Some persons talking of a fine lady that had many suitors: Well,
says one of them, you may talk of this great man and that great man, of
this lord and t’other knight; but I know a fellow without a foot of
estate, that will carry her before them all. Pho, that’s impossible,
says another, unless you mean her coachman.
283. Count Gondomar, the Spanish ambassador here, in Queen Elizabeth’s
time, sent a compliment to the Lord St. Albans, whom he lived on no good
terms with, wishing him a merry Easter. My lord thanked the messenger,
and said, he could not requite the count better than by wishing him a
good Pass-over.
284. A certain philosopher, when he saw men in a hurry to finish any
matter, used to say, Stay a little, that we may make an end the sooner.
285. Sir Francis Bacon was wont to say of a passionate man, who
suppressed his anger, That he thought worse than he spoke; and of an
angry man, that would vent his passion in words, That he spoke worse
than he thought.
286. The same gentleman used to say, that power in an ill man was like
the power of a witch―he could do harm, but no good; as the magicians,
said he, could turn water into blood, but could not turn blood into
water again.
287. He was likewise wont to commend much the advice of a plain old man
at Buxton, who sold brooms. A proud lazy young fellow came to him for a
besom upon trust, to whom the old man said, Friend, hast thou no money?
Borrow of thy back and of thy belly, they’ll never ask thee for’t; I
shall be dunning thee every day.
288. When recruits were raising for the late wars, a serjeant told his
captain that he had got him a very extraordinary man: Ay, says the
captain, prithee what’s he? A butcher, sir, replied the serjeant, and
your honour will have double service of him, for we had two
sheep-stealers in the company before.
289. A harmless country fellow having commenced a suit against a
gentleman that had beat down his fences, and spoiled his corn; when the
assizes grew near, his adversary bribed his only evidence to keep out of
the way: Well, says the fellow, I’m resolved I’ll up to town, and the
king shall know it. The king know it! said his landlord, who was an
attorney, prithee what good will that do you, if the man keeps out of
the way? Why, sir, said the poor fellow, I have heard you say, the king
could make a man a-peer at any time.
290. One speaking of an agreeable young fellow, said, He had wit enough
to call his good nature in question, and yet good nature enough to make
his wit suspected.
291. A person seeing a tolerably pretty fellow, who, by the help of a
tailor and sempstress had transformed himself into a beau, said, What
pity it is to see one, whom nature has made no fool, so industrious to
pass for an ass. Rather, said another, one should pity those whom nature
abuses than those who abuse nature; besides, the town would be robbed of
one-half of its diversion, if it should become a crime to laugh at a
fool.
292. At the masquerade in the Hay-Market, one appearing in the habit of
a bishop, another, for the jest’s sake, bowed his knee to ask a
blessing. The former laying his hand on his head, very demurely said,
Prithee rise, there’s nothing in’t indeed, friend.
293. Of all coxcombs, the most intolerable in conversation is your
fighting fool, and your opiniated wit; the one is always talking to show
his parts, and the other always quarrelling to show his valour.
294. One said of a fantastical fellow, that he was the folio of himself,
bound up in his own calf’s leather, and gilt about the edges.
295. A decayed gentleman coming to one who had been a servant, to borrow
money of him, received a very scurvy answer, concluding in the following
words: Pray, sir, what do you trouble me for? I’ve no money to lend. I’m
sure you lie, said the gentleman, for if you were not rich, you durst
not be so saucy.
296. The Roman Catholics make a sacrament of matrimony, and, in
consequence of that notion, pretend that it confers grace. The
Protestant divines do not carry matters so high, but say, This ought to
be understood in a qualified sense; and that marriage so far confers
grace, as that, generally speaking, it brings repentance, which
everybody knows is one step towards grace.
297. An extravagant young gentleman, to whom the title of lord, and a
good estate, was just fallen, being a little harassed by duns, bid his
steward tell them, That whilst he was a private gentleman he had leisure
to run in debt, but being now advanced to a higher rank, he was too busy
to pay them.
298. A gentleman complaining of a misfortune, said it was all along with
that drunken sot his man, who could not keep himself sober. With your
worship, said the fellow, I know very few drunken sots that do keep
themselves sober.
299. A certain Irishman making strong love to a lady of great fortune,
told her, He could not sleep for dreaming of her.
300. A plain country yeoman bringing his daughter to town, said, for all
she was brought up altogether in the country, she was a girl of sense.
Yes, said a pert young female in the company, country sense. Why, faith,
madam, says the fellow, country sense is better sometimes than London
impudence.
301. I’ll swear, said a gentleman to his mistress, you are very
handsome. Pho, said she, so you’d say, though you did not think so. And
so you’d think, answered he, though I should not say so.
302. A gentleman in King Charles the Second’s time, who had paid a
tedious attendance at court for a place, and had a thousand promises, at
length resolved to see the king himself; so getting himself introduced,
he told his majesty what pretensions he had to his favour, and boldly
asked him for the place just then vacant. The king hearing his story,
told him he had just given the place away. Upon which the gentleman made
a very low obeisance to the king, and thanked him extremely; which he
repeated often. The king, observing how over-thankful he was, called him
again, and asked the reason why he gave him such extraordinary thanks,
when he had denied his suit. The rather, an’t please your majesty,
replied the gentleman; your courtiers have kept me waiting here these
two years, and gave me a thousand put-offs; but your majesty has saved
me all that trouble, and generously given me my answer at once. Gads
fish, man, said the king, thou shalt have the place for thy downright
honesty.