color, and haz several leggs, or more, i disremember whitch. They kan
fli, hop, walk, sit still, or run, and are born ov eggs, a dozen from
each egg, proberbly. They are an inch and a quarter in length, and are
sumtimes a frackshun over. They are laid, hatchid out, git their
manhood, and die off in 75 days, this iz aktual bizzness, and shows
enterprize, in a lofty degree. What they are good for, haz been
concealed from us, for wize reazons, but the evil they kan commit, iz
sumtimes equal to a famine. I hav seen every green thing, on the flatt
ov the earth, for 50 miles in diameter, et up bi them, and millyuns ov
them besides starving to deth. I have seen the air filled with them like
a shower ov sand, and nothing but stone fences, and McAdam roads, proof
aginst their appetights. To be et up bi grasshopps, to be consumed bi
muskeeters, or mangled bi a mule, hav allways been the three deaths that
i hav voted aginst. But az mutch az i fear the dedly hopper, i had
rather face a mile square ov them, all alone, in the month ov August, or
i had rather cross the Newark marshes, bi moonlite, in Juli, when
muskeeters are in their consumate glory, or even fondle the sportive
mule, than to hav a _nusepaper kritick_, who writes for 8 dollars a
week, git after me.
_CAMBRIK NEEDLES._
The slowest time on reckord,--is skool time.
* * * * *
The man who _forgivs_, and dont _forgit_, compounds for 50 cents on the
dollar.
[Illustration]
I dont take enny phoolish chances, if i waz called upon
to mourn over a ded mule, i should stand in front ov him, and do mi
weeping.=
J. Billings Esq.
[Illustration]
When a man gits to going down hill, it duz seem, az tho
every thing had been greased for the ockashun.
Josh Billings
31 Days. OCTOBER. 1878.
[Illustration]
_Thare he struggles, and groans,
'Till he iz knockt on the hed,
And the once rapid trotter,
Lies pulseless and ded._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _DAY BREAKS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ Frosty @ now | |
| 2| W || @ gobble cider @ | Politeness never makes enny |
| 3| T || @ expekt kold @ | blunders, it often gits snubbed, |
| 4| F || @ Nick Hudibras @ | but never gits beat. |
| 5| S || @ fled @ 1851 @ | |
| 6| G || @ @ colder @ @ | |
| 7| M || @ Nick fled @ | * * * * * |
| 8| T || @ to Texas @ | |
| 9| W || @ snow @ threatens @ | When you cum akrost a man |
|10| T || @ now unearth @ | that neither flattery, nor abuse, |
|11| F || @ p-o-t-a-t-o-e-s @ | wont stimulate, let him alone, he |
|12| S || @ cool nights @ | haz gone to seed. |
|13| G || | |
|14| M || liberty @ and @ union | |
|15| T || @ still @ cooler @ | |
|16| W || @ one @ and @ | * * * * * |
|17| T || @ fine day @ | |
|18| F || inseparable @ now | Thare iz nothing more bekuming |
|19| S || @ the duck @ | than humality, and nothing |
|20| G || q-u-a-c-k-e-t-h @ | that most ov people are more |
|21| M || @ more frost @ | ashamed ov. |
|22| T || @ Sally Foster @ | |
|23| W || @ marrid 1826 @ | |
|24| T || @ cool and wet @ | * * * * * |
|25| F || | |
|26| S || Sally marrid @ for | |
|27| G || love @cooler @and | It iz a grate art to kno how to |
|28| M || 45 hundred dollars | giv gracephully, I hav seen good |
|29| T || a year @ wind flau | light bread change into a stone, |
|30| W || @ sum @ now @ | in passing from one hand to |
|31| T || highst @ turnips @ | another. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE APPLE._
The apple iz the oldest fruit on reckord, and one ov the best. The fust
ackount we hav ov it, was in the gardin ov Eden. Eve iz sed to hav et
the fust one, and pronounced it good, and made Adam take a bight. The
eating ov this apple never has been konsidered mutch ov a hit for the
rest ov us. The apple will keep longer than enny other fruit, if it aint
eaten, and kan be workt up into apple sass, and dumplings, with grate
suckcess.
I kan tell a mans tru karakter, bi what he eats, or drinks, clusser than
i kan to hear him deliver a tempranse lektur. Talk of all kinds iz
artyfishall, but vittles, and drinks, iz natur. Whenever yu see a man
cussing, and swareing at apple sass, and good light dumplings, yu can
bet 10 dollars, on mi ackount, that he aint a good fireside man. Apples
also, when they are well squeezed, produce cider, which iz next to milk,
az a fertilizer. Egnogg owes most ov its glory unto cider. Champane wine
would be dredphull skarse in market if it want for cider, and good sharp
vinegar would be az unkommon az piety, or tru affeckshun, if it wazn't
for cider. Jersey lightning also kums from cider, this iz the only
wicked thing i ever knu cider to do. Jersey lightning haz scalded more
people than hot water ever haz, and killed more than Minnie rifles.
_FOAM._
Thare iz nothing which a chaste, and refined woman detekts so quick as
the atmosphere ov an impure man.
* * * * *
Contentment has been praized more, and prakticed less, than enny other
condishun ov life.
30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1878.
[Illustration]
_Now they kart him away--
Forgot, and forsaken,
To far-famed "BARREN ISLAND,"
The Trotter iz taken._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SNOW FLAKES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ Cold @ the | |
| 2| S || cricket @ chirps @ | I like philosophy on general |
| 3| G || @ faintly @ more | principles, but the man who invented|
| 4| M || coldy @ now @ | the frickshun match, a |
| 5| T || trap @ for minks | cent a box, haz dun the world |
| 6| W || @ it snows @ | more good, than than the author |
| 7| T || @ Ruben Hatfield @ | ov the stoick philosophy. |
| 8| F || obsquatulated 1811 | |
| 9| S || @ chilly @ | * * * * * |
|10| G || @ Reuben @ was @ | |
|11| M || a toll/gate @ keeper | Thare iz a grate menny fresh |
|12| T || @ now @ bruize @ | water martyrs on the footstool, |
|13| W || @ w/o/o/d @ | folks whoze gratest pride iz to tell|
|14| T || @ colder mutch @ | us what a miserable time they hav |
|15| F || @ thou @ shalt @ | allways had ont. |
|16| S || not @ s-n-o-r-e @ | |
|17| G || in @ thy @ sleep | * * * * * |
|18| M || @ very @ cool @ | |
|19| T || @ meazles @ found @ | |
|20| W || @ 1492 @ Bob @ | Advice and phisick are so |
|21| T || Barnes @ died 1603 | plenty, that the man who makes |
|22| F || raw @ but cold @ Bob | enny blunders, or gits sick, must |
|23| S || Barnes @ was @ a | be a phool. |
|24| G || vegitinarian @ more | |
|25| M || snow @ Bob Barnes | * * * * * |
|26| T || waz a kold @ potato | |
|27| W || @ champion @ | |
|28| T || @ Farewell @ | A vain man lets us see all hiz |
|29| F || @ my boys !!! @ | weak points, and hides hiz strong |
|30| S || | ones. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE AVERAGE BOARDING HOUSE._
I hav lived in boarding houses long enuff to decide, that most ov them
are the most cheerless, and unfriendly places on earth. The alms house,
or the hospital, iz a more luvly spot to liv in, than the average
boarding house. They are kept bi females, gennerally about 45, or 46,
years old, and never gits enny older, who wears a blak allpacka dress,
az slippery, and shiny, as a piece ov pattent leather, and who kan blo a
butcher klean out ov hiz stall, or lift the false hair oph from the
heds, ov one ov her Bridgets, when she gets to argueing the case hot.
Her house iz furnished from top to bottom with faded furniture, the
spoils ov a thousand aukshun sales, which iz the only place she visits,
except the meat, and vegetable markets Everything on the table, and
about the house, inkluding attendance, iz meazzured out at the rate ov
about nine ounces to the pound, and the whole thing runs dry, and
squeaking like the axles ov a waggon, in want ov grease. Thare iz not
one solitary, genuine cumfort, in theze concerns, and men, and wimmin,
liv, year after year, in theze hash asylums, cursing them every day, and
without the moral force to desert them.
I was once told ov one landlady who kept a party ov four young fellows
in her house, two months longer than they wanted to stay, bi putting a
ten cent stamp into the hash every morning. The landlady dealt out the
hash, and managed to get the stamp every time.
_DUST._
The way of the transgressor iz hard,--and there ain't no transgressor
kan dodge it neither.
* * * * *
Experience iz about all that old age can boast ov, and how often iz even
this ov the bitterest kind.
31 Days. DECEMBER. 1878.
[Illustration]
_Thar hiz hide is stript off,
And two dollars brings,
And his bones are workt up,
Into buttons and things._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SKIMMINGS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || Orphull @ kold @ | I have a grate kuriosity now to |
| 2| M || now @ hunt @ for | kno when the next flood is a |
| 3| T || @ ice @ it @ | going to take place, and whether |
| 4| W || @ waxes kolder @ | thare kan be found on the face ov |
| 5| T || @ Zeke @ Davis @ | the earth a crew fit to man the |
| 6| F || born 1850 @ big @ | next ark with. |
| 7| S || @ s-n-o @ storm @ | |
| 8| G || @ Zeke waz @ | * * * * * |
| 9| M || @ a @ henpecked @ | |
|10| T || man @ it is winter | I hav heard wize men phrovesy, |
|11| W || now @ the ☼ cow | and fools guess, all mi life, but i |
|12| T || s-h-i-v-e-r-e-t-h @ | never hav kept enny count which |
|13| F || ☼ more @ bitter @ | ov them haz got it right the |
|14| S || @ Adam @ was @ | oftenest. |
|15| G || @ a phool @ | |
|16| M || @ more ☼ snow @ | * * * * * |
|17| T || @ now maim wood @ | |
|18| W || dredphull @ cold @ | When i waz a boy i allwuss wanted |
|19| T || @ man is @ | tommorow to cum, in middle life |
|20| F || @ a @ f-a-i-l-u-r-e @ | i wanted a day to last allways, now |
|21| S || @ wind northy @ | that i hav got older, i look at |
|22| G || bi @ north ☼ now | yesterday, and to day, and compare |
|23| M || pay @ your honest | them with tommorow, and wonder |
|24| T || dets @ it grows cold | what all this fuss iz about. |
|25| W || now ! comfort ☼ your | |
|26| T || wife @ more snow | * * * * * |
|27| F || Buy Josh Billings' | |
|28| S || A-l-l-m-i-n-a-x @ | Thare iz lots ov people in this |
|29| G || sighns ov a thaw @ | world, who spend so mutch time |
|30| M || Let @ us @ meet | watching their healths, that they |
|31| T || @ here again ☼ | haint got no time to enjoy it. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_A LONG PARAGRAFF._
Guessing iz a dredphull poor trade, i had just about az soon hav a man
tell me a lie az to guess at a thing, in case ov doubt ask yure wife,
when the sun shines wimmin are butterflys, and luv to bask in its rays,
but when the dark hours cum, and even hope begins to look over its
shoulder, ask yure wife about it, and she will either puntch a hole thru
the klowd, or lift up one corner ov it, and sho yu a star, I luv babys,
i luv them bekauze they are aktually necessary, I luv them bekauze they
wont lie, I luv them bekauze they may be the next president sum time, i
luv them bekauze i waz a baby once miself, and perhaps sumboddy loved
me, i hav sumtimes thought gamblers were az honest az they kan afford to
be, they allwuss giv notiss before hand that they will cheat you if they
kan, I beleave in one wife, one dog, and one friend, with a few
cheerfull acquaintances thrown in to make up the assortment, doenutts
and cheeze are lawful tenders in Nu England, nine doenutts, a quarter ov
a pound ov old cheeze, and a pint ov sharp sider, iz a luncheon fit for
a nuly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, or a trakt pedlar, dandys are
things ov the past, I havn't seen a regular full blossomed, old
fashioned dandy, going on now seven years, I* * * * * *
_SEDIMENT._
When a coquet falls in luv, she falls in all over, prudes make a mental
reservashun.
* * * * *
I would rather number amung mi intimates, an ideot, or even a pikpocket,
than infidel.
31 Days. JANUARY. 1879.
[Illustration: AQUARIUS. THE WATER BEARER.
"_Now is the winter ov our diskontent._"]
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _KRYSTALS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || | |
| 2| T || @ _Keep_ @ _cool_ @ | Yung man, set down, and keep |
| 3| F || @ _korn_ @ _starch_ @ | still, yu will hav plenty ov chances|
| 4| S || @ _it snows_ @ | yet to make a phool ov yureself |
| 5| G || @ _invented_ @ | before yu die. |
| 6| M || @ now @ 1835 @ | |
| 7| T || @ iz @ the @ @ | |
| 8| W || @ winter @ _Sam_ @ | * * * * * |
| 9| T || ov our _Peterkin_ | |
|10| F || @ @ diskontent @ @ | |
|11| S || @ _born_ @ _kolder_ @ | It iz a wize man who proffits |
|12| G || @ 1202 @ more @ | bi hiz own experience--but it iz a |
|13| M || kolder @ @ @ _Sam_ | good deal wizer one, who lets the |
|14| T || --now--_waz_-- | rattlesnaik bite the other phellow. |
|15| W || @ rake @ a @ | |
|16| T || r*i*g*h*t*e*o*u*s | * * * * * |
|17| F || @ @ in @ ice @ @ | |
|18| S || _man_ @ @ @ _sighns_ | |
|19| G || @ @ @ _the_ @ _ov_ @ @ | |
|20| M || _frog_ @ _snow_ | Take all the phools out ov |
|21| T || @ _lies_ @ _kolder_ @ | this world, and thare wouldn't be |
|22| W || @ @ _still_ @ now @ @ | enny phun, nor proffit living in it |
|23| T || _snow_ @ @ @ jam | |
|24| F || @ 2 @ _feet_ @ fires @ | |
|25| S || _deep_ @--@ Mozes | * * * * * |
|26| G || @ @ _a thaw_ @ @ | |
|27| M || B*u*r*b*a*n*k*s-- | |
|28| T || @ _now_ @ deceased @ | Allmost enny phool kan prove |
|29| W || @--1818--@ | that the bible aint true, it takes |
|30| T || @ s-w-a-l-l-o-w @ | a wize man to beleave it. |
|31| F || @ _kolder_ @ cider @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE BOOK CANVASSER._
The book canvasser iz a red hot being, az untiring az a fox hound, and
az free from diffidence az a fish pedlar. He works hiz way into every
spot in kreashun, and will often sell a book to a man, for hiz own
price, who swore at first that he wouldn't take it az a gift. He will
travel more miles in a day, on less hash, than a stage horse, and kan
stand more abuse than a chinaman. The book canvasser haz bekum the
terror of the land, and mankind hide from him az they would from the
taxgatherer, or a case ov the small pox. I rather like the book
canvasser, when a man pitches into me, and offers to sell me 650 pages
ov "_Doktor John Hirsute's modified diagnosis ov the cappilliary
attrakshun_," and stiks to it untill he gits the book onto me, i am
delighted with the man, and proud ov miself. It takes genius to do theze
things, and i luv genius in all shapes, whether it appears az the author
ov a dikshionary, or the pattentee of bar soap, warrented to take the
letterings off from a mile stone in three washings. The book canvasser
haz mi hottest prayers for hiz sukcess, and tho i never ov late
subskribe for enny thing, not even to buy the new klergyman an
independant seckond hand trotting kronometor, still i am allwus reddy to
reckomend him to mi nabors.
_SLUNG SHOT._
"_Throw fisick to the dogs_," is a very old proverb, but whare will yu
find the dog that will tutch it?
* * * * *
Experience teaches us mutch, but learns us little.
28 Days.
FEBRUARY.
1879.
[Illustration: PICES, THE FISHES.
_Two Perch--possibly one Smelt._]
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|(!)|@ || _The Slate._ | _CENTER SHOTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ _Kold_ ¶ now | |
| 2| G || @ _waxes_ @ make @ | I would az soon think ov pulling |
| 3| M || @ _snow_ ax @ | the feathers out ov a peakoks |
| 4| T || _falls_ @ @ handles | tale, az to interfere with inosent |
| 5| W || < Kate @ _aufull_ > | vanity ov a man. |
| 6| T || Sherman @ @ @ _koldy_ | |
| 7| F || @ @ fell _more_ @ @ | |
| 8| S || Kate * * * * | * * * * * |
| 9| G || @ @ _koldness_ @ @ | |
|10| M || * * * * fell | When a wize man undertakes |
|11| T || @ _the_ @ down @ | to do a kunning thing he allmost |
|12| W || | allways makes a mizerable failure |
|13| T || @ ¶ _Bumblebee_ ¶ @ | ov it. |
|14| F || cellar @ @ _lies_ | |
|15| S || @ _now dreaming_ @ | * * * * * |
|16| G || @ _krak_ * _kolder_ @ | |
|17| M || _buttnutts_ @ @ _it_ | Marrid life iz a little game, in |
|18| T || @ Adam @ _snows_ @ | which the woman, if she iz called, |
|19| W || @ Brown @ @ _it_ @ | iz allmost sure to hav a strate |
|20| T || kreated @ @ _thaws_ | flush. |
|21| F || @ 1400 Adam @ | |
|22| S || _more_ @ _snow_ @ waz | |
|23| G || @ _now_ a @ natral@ | * * * * * |
|24| M || @ _pay_ kuss @ | |
|25| T || _dets_----@----Ben | The man who knows a thing, |
|26| W || @ _still_ @ Franklin @ | and can tell it in the fewest words |
|27| T || _kolder_ @ @ @ waz | iz the hardest kind of a man to |
|28| F || ¶ thawy ¶ a ¶ kard ¶ | beat in a kross examinashun. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE CHIPMUNK._
The chipmunk iz the smallest of the squirrell tribe. They are striped
goods, having three blak lines wove into them, running the same way the
squirrell duz. Az a spekulator in corn the chipmunk stands at the hed ov
all the small operators, beating the blujay, in hiz yearly operashuns
about a quart. The chipmunk carrys hiz corn in hiz mouth, and when he
cums out ov a cornfield loaded with the cereal, his cheeks stik out like
a duch baby's. Sumtimes the chipmunk iz kaught and kept in a cage, and
iz made to turn a wheel for a living, this iz the only usefull work they
hav ever been known to do. I hav often lookt at them at work in their
wheels, and dont kno which i pitty the most, the chipmunk, or the party
who has to tend them, both of them mite be in better bizzness. They are
the only insekt who dig their holes and sho no pile ov dirt at the
entrance. I hav asked sevral smart men what bekums ov the dirt, but they
all shook their heds and lookt awfull wize. When i waz a boy i used to
ketch chipmunks bi running away from skool, and the day that I brought
in two ov them waz a big day for me.
_CRUMBS._
The devil iz a very cunning phellow, but the blunders he makes allwuss
eats up the profitts in hiz bizzness.
* * * * *
A dandy iz an individul whoze usephullness in this world depends
entirely upon the fit ov hiz clothes.
31 Days. MARCH. 1879.
[Illustration: ARIES, THE RAM.
_On the War Path.--The hit ov the seazon._]
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _The Slate_. | _DU DROPS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || _Wind_ @ @ @ | |
| 2| G ||@ *-*-*- now | The things that i kant prove i |
| 3| M ||@ _howls_ @ tan @ | beleave the most, i beleave that |
| 4| T ||_more_ @ woodchuk | one apple iz sour, and another |
| 5| W ||@ _wind_ @ skins @ | one sweet, but i will giv enny |
| 6| T ||Pete @ _wind_ | highly eddikated man, a span ov |
| 7| F ||@-@ Perkins @-@ | matched mules, who will tell me |
| 8| S ||_r-i-z-e-s_ @ b-o-r-n | what makes them so. |
| 9| G ||@ _more_ @ @ 1840 @ | |
|10| M ||_windfull_ @ | |
|11| T ||----Pete @ _it_ | * * * * * |
|12| W || | |
|13| T ||@ _rains_ @ waz @ | I hav lived just long enuff to |
|14| F ||@ @ coloured @ @ | find out how little i kno, and no |
|15| S ||_sighns_ @ @ @ he | man who throws away hiz faith, |
|16| G ||@ waz @ _ov_ @ @ @ | iz ever going to be very wize. |
|17| M ||_snow_ @ a @ @ @ | |
|18| T ||c-o-l-o-u-r-e-d | |
|19| W ||@ _now_ @ barber @ | * * * * * |
|20| T ||@_d_ @ _r_ @ _a_ @ _w_@ | |
|22| S ||@ @ @ _violet_ @ @ @ | iz hiz conshience, he may outargy |
|23| G ||---- _ackounts_ | hiz reazon, or stutify hiz faith, |
|24| M ||@ _haz_ @ _more_ @ | but he kant beat hiz conshience. |
|25| T ||_cum_ @ _windfull_ | |
|26| W ||@ @ @ now _it_ @ @ @ | |
|27| T ||_blows_ @ @ @ drink | * * * * * |
|28| F ||@-@- Noah -@-@ | |
|29| S || .... Egg had .... | The best thing i kno ov iz a |
|30| G ||-- nogg @ 3 -- | fust rate wife, and the next best |
|31| M ||_it_ @ _blows_ @ boys @ | thing, is a sekond rate one. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_REMARKS._
Three kard monte iz a game ov chance, the chance iz, that yu will git
badly beat, unless yu play it alone. When thare iz 2 plays the game,
sumbody iz bound to git hurt. Girls are a more risky crop to raize than
boys, if a boy makes a bad blunder, he kan wipe out the slate once, or
even twice, and begin again, but a girl kant. I kant tell who old
Probabilitiz iz, but he iz a smart kuss, aint he? Whiskee iz one ov the
tonicks, i think, but i aint sure, i kno it iz one ov the tanglelegs,
for I hav seen it tried often. Yu kan sell a fast horse in Nu York at
yure own price, provided he iz fast enuff. But dont bring enny 3 minnitt
kattle to Nu York, the ice kream, and the milk men, drive faster than
that. Our old fellows, in Nu York, menny ov them who hav seen 70 years,
when they go out onto the hard roads, dont take enny but 2.25 dust.
Speaking ov kats mi opinyun remains unchanged, they are az full ov
flaws, az a March wind iz. Yu kan make a lawyer, or a minister ov your
son, either ov them are decent callings enuff, but neither ov them will
make him respektabel, unless they are well filled Nuzepaper hacks are
harder workt, and poorer fed, than livery stable horses. Authors, and
skribblers, az a klass, are a self konsaited, and seedy set, and I
believe a literary man, when he gits poor, and shiny, iz the poorest
looking kritter on the footstool.
_LINT._
No atheist, with all hiz boasted bravery, haz ever dared to advertize
his beleaf, on hiz tomb stun
* * * * *
A baby iz a necessity, but twins allwuss did seem to me, to be ov a
spekulative natur.
30 Days. APRIL. 1879.
[Illustration: TAURUS, THE BULL.
_Bound for Wall Street.--Bring on yure Bear._]
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _DOOR KNOBS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ April _now_ | |
| 2| W ||@ fool @ _pluk_ @ | Caushun iz a good thing for a |
| 3| T ||@-_r-a-i-n-y_-@ | man to hav, but when he haz got |
| 4| F ||@ @ _dandylions_ @ @ | so mutch ov it, that he iz afrade |
| 5| S ||_more_ @......@ Julia | to tutch a kast iron lion, for fear |
| 6| G ||@ *w*e*t*f*u*l*l* | it will bite, ignoranse iz what's |
| 7| M ||@ @ Higgins @ @ | the matter ov him. |
| 8| T ||_warm_ @ § @ § @ died | |
| 9| W ||@ _wet_ @ _rain_ @ | * * * * * |
|10| T ||1874 @ @ @ Julia | |
|11| F ||@ @ _much_ @ was @ @ | In courtship i hav allwus advised |
|12| S ||_m o i s t_ ---- a | the oblique rather than the |
|13| G || § prude ¦ _now_ § | vertikal process, if yure mistress |
|14| M ||_wetty_ @ _the_ | diskovers too mutch anxiety in |
|15| T ||@ David § _goose_ @ | yu, she iz sure to diskover less |
|16| W ||slu @ @ _yells_ | in herself. |
|17| T ||@ .... Golier .... @ | |
|18| F ||_Expekt_ @ _windy_ | |
|19| S || | * * * * * |
|20| G ||@ _frogs_ @ _snow_ @ | |
|21| M ||_m-o-r-e_ @ _s-o-w_ | Thare aint nothing that a man |
|22| T || @ _wind_ @ | will thrive so well on az abuse |
|23| W ||@ _gardin_ @ @ @ @ | that aint merited. |
|24| T ||.. James .. _sass_ . | |
|25| F ||@ @ @ _much_ @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|26| S || @ Bukannan @ | |
|27| G ||.... *_cooler_ iz* .... | Whenever yu cum akrost a |
|28| M ||ded @ @ @ @ sitch | man who distrusts everyboddy, |
|29| T ||@ _more_ @ iz @ | yu hav found one whom it is safe |
|30| W ||@ @ _rain_ life @ @ | for everyboddy to distrust. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE MUSKEETER._
Muskeeters are a game bug, but they wont bite at a hook. Thare iz
millyuns ov them kaught every year, but not with a hook, this makes the
market for them unstiddy, the supply allways exceeding the demand. The
muskeeto iz born on the sly, and cums to maturity quicker than enny
other ov the domestik animiles. A muskeeter at 3 hours old iz just az
reddy, and anxious, to go into bizzness for himself, az ever he iz, and
bites the fust time az sharp, and natral, az red pepper duz. The
muskeeter haz a good ear for musik, and sings without notes. The song ov
the musketo iz monotonous to sum folks, but in me it stirs up the
memorys ov other days. I hav lade awake, all nite long, menny a time and
listened to the sweet anthems ov the muskeeter. I am satisfied that
thare want nothing made in vain, but i kant help thinking how mighty
kluss the musketoze kum to it. The muskeeter haz inhabited this world
since its kreashun, and will probably hang around here until bizzness
closes. Whare the muskeeter goes to in the winter iz a standing
konumdrum, which all the naturalists hav giv up, but we kno he dont go
far, for he iz on hand early each year with hiz probe fresh ground, and
polished. Muskeeters must be one ov the luxurys ov life, they certainly
aint one ov the necessarys, not if we kno ourselfs.
_SNOW BALLS._
Thare iz a time for all things, and the best time to hold our tungs, iz
when we feel az tho we had the most to say.
* * * * *
The man who gambles, or drinks whiskey, kant chooze hiz assoshiates.
[Illustration]
If yu trade horses with a jockey yu kant git cheated but
once.--but if yu trade with a deakon yu may git cheated twice.--once
in the horse, and once in the deakon =
Perhaps. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
Patience iz a good thing for a man to hav. but when he
haz got so mutch ov it. that he kan fish all day long, without enny
bate on hiz hook,--Lazyness, iz what's the matter ov him.=
Exackly so. Josh Billings
31 Days. MAY. 1879.
[Illustration: GEMINI, THE TWINS.
_Dubletts--a lucky throw._]