little bugs in kreashun iz the common spider. They will do more work on
a web, in six hours, than a man could do in his whole life time, and do
a mutch better job into the bargin. Spiders are the meanest reptiles
that hang around the footstool, for they are the only ones that i kan
think ov now, that set traps for their viktims. They are az mean az a
man in this respekt. Thare iz no fun in a spider, he iz az lonesum az a
mizer, he spends hiz whole life making webs, and watching them, and
allways lays at the mouth ov hiz hole, reddy to back in out ov danger. A
man will go out ov hiz way rather than step on a kricket, and would
rather skare a fly than kill him, az sazzy az he iz, but he goes for a
spider with both feet, and seems to feel melankolly if he happens to
miss him. Spiders hav no friends in this world, and the reazon must be
bekauze their naturs are viscious, and cunning. Theze two traits will
make even man an outlaw, and they akt just the same way on the spider. I
dispize the spider, and aint afraid to tell him so.
_DREGS._
Every man thinks he iz the principal bull frog in the puddle, and rather
than argy the case, i am willing to think so too.
* * * * *
Mizery luvs company but iz allwuss jealous,--there never waz a man yet
but what thought hiz lame back was a good deal lamer than hiz nabors.
31 Days. JULY. 1877.
Q.--What iz a mint julep? @ @ @
A.--A refuge for cheap whiskey. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Full of cunning, and low deceit,
With stolen cream, and chickens fat,
Sweetly in dreams he lays at yure feet,
Judas Iskariott, in shape ov a kat._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _VAPOR._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ Warm hotness | The man who gits hiz edukashun |
| 2| M || @ now the frog @ | from the daily papers, |
| 3| T || sweats (@) thunder | if he happens to miss one, haz |
| 4| W || @ @ and litening | lost all he iz a going to kno for |
| 5| T || @ Amos Jones @ @ | the next 24 hours. |
| 6| F || @ sloped @ 1839 | |
| 7| S || south wind @ @ | |
| 8| G ||Amos waz a wood-sawyer | * * * * * |
| 9| M || @ more hot | |
|10| T || @ @ now borrow | |
|11| W || @ umbrellers @ @ | The hardest man to convince |
|12| T || thunder @ showers | in an argument iz the one who |
|13| F || let us hav @ @ | alwuss sez "_yes_" to everything |
|14| S || peace @ inkreasing | yu say. |
|15| G || hotness @ now pik | |
|16| M || @ @ green corn @ | |
|17| T || Wind southly @ @ | * * * * * |
|18| W || @ @ virtew iz its | |
|19| T || @ own reward @ very | |
|20| F || dusty @ now inhale | I would rather a boy ov mine |
|21| S || juleps @ @ hot grows | would be haff full ov deviltry, |
|22| G || Mary Walker @ @ | than chuck full gravity,--but i |
|23| M || @ born (!) 1840 | haint got enny boy yu know. |
|24| T || kloudy @ Mary had | |
|25| W || @ a little @ lam | |
|26| T || cooler @ Job waz | * * * * * |
|27| F || @ @ a pashunt @ | |
|28| S || fellow @ very hot | |
|29| G || @ @ now chew @ | The road to ruin iz down hill, |
|30| M || ice @ @ go slow | and McAdamized at that. |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE MILKSOP._
The milksop iz a human being who has not the stamina ov a man, nor the
weakness ov a woman. He iz a hibrid ov the nuter gender, without
karakter enuff to make him respekted, or dispized. These kind ov pholks
are innosent enuff if they are well watched, but they need az mutch
watching az a blind baby duz. They occupy quarters about haff way
between a phool, and an ideot. If milksops would only keep still but few
would suspekt them, but how strange it iz, that the thinner a man iz,
the more anxious he iz to get into a strong light.
_THE MIZER._
The mizer digs hiz heart out hollow to stow away hiz munny in. He
akumulates bi littles, and never opens hiz harte, only on a krak, to let
another shilling in. An old mizer iz a sad sight enuff, but next to an
ideot, a yung mizer iz the most revolting thing on earth. Mizers enjoy
what they dont use, looze what they save, and die possessed ov the only
treasure that iz ov no use to them. The most terrible sarkasm iz a
mizers phuneral, the heir often makes it gorgeous, and expensiv, and
then pitches hedlong into the pile the old phool haz left.
_CHALK MARKS._
Advice iz generally like the bred and cheese we giv to beggars, thrown
over into the fust vacant lot they cum to.
* * * * *
Bigots, enthusiasts, and clothes pins, all hav the same sized heds on
them.
31 Days. AUGUST. 1877.
Q.--Pleze to define buty? @ @ @
A.--Buty iz a blank catridge. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Short haired, and nervous az a ghost,
Answering to_"Bill," _or_ "Ned" _or_ "Fan,"
_Death on rats, and sirloin steak,
Behold the sparkling, Black and Tan._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _COQUETS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || Fiery hot @ now | I hav seen men load a gun |
| 2| T || @ the kow pants | klean up to the muzzle to kill |
| 3| F || @ thunder with @ | a chipping bird with, a git |
| 4| S || litening @ Bill @ | knokt hed over heels when the |
| 5| G || @ @ Sprauge died | gun went off, and miss the bird |
| 6| M || 1500 @ more hot ! | besides. |
| 7| T || Bill Sprauge waz @ | |
| 8| W ||@ a fiddler @ hotter | |
| 9| T ||Bill fiddled @ with ! | * * * * * |
|10| F || @ hiz left hand @ | |
|11| S || heavy rain @ @ | The man who livs the live |
|12| G || @ sun in apogee @ | ov a toadey iz a kind ov human |
|13| M || more cool @ now @ | spit box. |
|14| T || @ keep cool @ hot | |
|15| W || the grasshopper @ | |
|16| T || @ @ iz a burden | * * * * * |
|17| F || @ more hot @ @ | |
|18| S || Moses waz a @ @ | Yu will find plenty ov folks |
|19| G || @ meek man @ hot | who are red hott to hunt tigers |
|20| M || wetness @ the @ | and wild kats, only muzzle the |
|21| T || rackcoon iz @ @ | kussid kritters, and put them 10 |
|22| W || @ a kuss @ Sarah | or fifteen miles off. |
|23| T || @ @ Pettibone born | |
|24| F || @ 1846 @ red hot @ | * * * * * |
|25| S || Sarah waz kross @ | |
|26| G || eyed @ @ still @ | The man who haz got nothing |
|27| M || @ hotter @ @ in the | but the truth to tell allwuss uses |
|28| T || @ @ midst ov @ | the fust words he kan lay hiz |
|29| W || * life * we * are * | hands on. |
|30| T || @ in death @ @ | |
|31| F || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_LAZYNESS._
Lazyness seems to be az natral az onions, and just about az helthy too.
The lame, and the lazy, hav allwuss been provided for, sumboddy haz
allwuss waited on them, and sumboddy allwuss will. I dont luv lazy
pholks, i dont even respekt them, but i kant help but admire the way
they eat. I never knu a lazy man that didn't hav a good appetight and a
square digestion. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur, and for that reazon
is entitled to sum respekt. Lazy folks are allwuss good natured, i hav
seen them so docile that they wouldn't fite flies. Lazyness iz often
mistaken for shifflessness, but thare iz az much diffrence az thare iz
between a hornet, and a fly. I had rather watch two raskalls than one
shiftless kuss. Thare are sum things that will hurry lazyness, but death
is the only sure kure for shifflessnes.
_LAFFTER._
Laffter iz the joy ov the soul comeing to the surface to hav a good
time. The mule kant laff, and the devil wont. Laffing iz az natral az
the meazles, and allmost as ketching, but the man who will laff when he
dont feel like it, iz a grate koward to say the least, and may be a
grate villain. Next to logick, to prove things, cums laffing, and the
hardest man for ennyboddy, or enny thing, to beat, iz he who laffs at
every thing.
_GIMBLETS._
I hav figgered onto it, and find that civilizashun kosts about 90 cents
on the dollar.
* * * * *
One quarrellsum dog will demoralize all the curs in hiz naborhood.
30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1877.
Q.--Who iz the best lawyer? @ @ @
A.--He who duz the least bizzness. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_What he kant steal must be tied down,
Ever reddy to caw, and to go,
Thare's nothing so full ov the devil,
Az the life, and labors, ov a tame krow._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _MISFITS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ Delitesum @ | |
| 2| G ||@ weather @ rain | Thare are two kinds of men |
| 3| M ||listen to the @ @ | that fear makes phools ov, them |
| 4| T ||@ mocking bird @ | who are afrade of nothing, and |
| 5| W ||@ @ Pete Brown | them who are afrade of everything. |
| 6| T ||@ waz diskovered @ | |
| 7| F ||1856 @ Windy @ Pete | * * * * * |
| 8| S ||waz diskovered @ | |
| 9| G ||@ stealing chickens | |
|10| M ||@ more weather @ | I would respekfully say to all |
|11| T ||now brile quails @ | that klass, "_who want to be an |
|12| W ||@ @ wind easterly | angell, and with the angels |
|13| T ||@ hope deferred @ | dwell_," pleaze drop that noshun, |
|14| F ||maketh @ the @ harte | and go at sumthing usefull, if the |
|15| S ||@ sik @ more softness | Lord wants enny more angels, |
|16| G ||@ @ Lucy Smith @ | he will let yu kno in due time. |
|17| M || married 1800 @ | |
|18| T ||@ @ it rains @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| W ||@ @ Lucy married | |
|20| T ||well @ now @ | |
|21| F ||@ bile @ beans @ | Civil war iz like a fite in the |
|22| S || | family, it seldum, if ever, waz |
|23| G ||@ @ @ more mild | known to be healed. |
|24| M ||@ strike while @ @ | |
|25| T ||@ - the iron - @ | * * * * * |
|26| W ||iz hot. @ @ cool | |
|27| T || but @ pleasant | |
|28| F ||10 mills make @ @ | If thare iz no hereafter, kats |
|29| S ||one cent @ very | and dogs are better off than we |
|30| G ||@ slick @ weather | are. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE DUK._
The duk iz a foul, naturalists say so, and common sense teaches it. Wild
duks are very good shooting, and very good missing too, unless you
understand the bizzness. I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but
a few tale feathers, but that satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kinds
ov sport, you know. Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard to git
even if you do kill them. I shot one whole afternoon, three years ago,
at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I never hav told even mi
wife ov this, and hope no one will repeat it.
_THE SANDY HILL CRANE._
The crane iz neither flesh, nor foul, but a sad mixtur ov theze two
things. He mopes along the banks ov kreeks, and wet places, looking for
sumthing he haz lost. He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz
long all over. He livs upon lizzards, and frogs, and sleeps standing on
one leg, like a gide board. Sumtimes he tips over in hiz dreams, and
then hiz bill enters the ground like a pikax. When he flies thru the air
he iz az gracephull az a wind mill that haz broke away from its
fastenings. Cranes are not very plenty on this earth, but at the last
quotations, the supply just about equals the demand.
_BLOSSOMS._
The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansesstors often wants az mutch
altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.
* * * * *
How menny people thare are in this world who work for the devil all the
time, and then look to the lord for their pay.
[Illustration]
I dont never expekt to hav enny Poodle, but if i ever do, he must make
up hiz mind to be tied onto a long stik every Saturday and be used for
washing windows on the outside=
Jess so. Josh Billings.
[Illustration]
If i kan hav all the salt makrell i want for brekfasst, I kan manage
to make the other two meals out ov kold water.=
Yes. Josh Billings.
31 Days. OCTOBER. 1877.
Q.--Will yu define luck? @ @ @
A.--Luck iz driftwood. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_This Nu Foundland weighs 94 pounds,
And to save children iz willing,
If yu haint no pond, nor children to save,
The dog aint worth a shilling._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _IMPS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || Bracing weather @ | |
| 2| T || now squeeze @ @ | I never knu a man to brag ov |
| 3| W || @ @ apples for | hiz munny, or hiz pedigree, who |
| 4| T || sider @ more cool | had enny thing else worth bragging |
| 5| F || @ @ Sam Lewis @ | about. |
| 6| S || @ died @ 1492 @ | |
| 7| G || frost @ @ Sam @ | |
| 8| M || * waz * a * hard * | * * * * * |
| 9| T || @ shell @ Babtiss | |
|10| W || mutch frost @ @ | |
|11| T || ß now exkavate | The meekest Moses in the |
|12| F || -p-o-t-a-t-o-s-e- | whole lot iz the man who haz |
|13| S || | found out that he kant git the |
|14| G || @ @ kold grows | thing he wants the most. |
|15| M || @ Solaman @ @ | |
|16| T || @ had @ mutch @ | |
|17| W || @ wives @ @ it | * * * * * |
|18| T || hails @ @ haste | |
|19| F || makes waste @ ~ | |
|20| S || -- @ snow falls @ -- | Thare are but very few people |
|21| G || @ now @ chew @ | in this world who hav got the |
|22| M || sassage @ more | nerve to be allways sassy to the |
|23| T || @ @ cool @ Kate | devil. |
|24| W || @ Savage died @ | |
|25| T || 1749 @ mutch @ | |
|26| F || @ frosty @ Kate | * * * * * |
|27| S || @ @ had a pug @ | |
|28| G || nose @ @ now @ | |
|29| M || @ @ lift turnips | Before a vice ov enny kind |
|30| T || @ kolder @ @ | kan bekum very dangerous it |
|31| W || @ @ go slo @ | haz got to bekum respektable. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_AN EPISTOL._
_Dear Snyder._--Yu tell me that yu hav got the blues, and want to kno
how to git shut of them. The following resipees will heal yu in 90 days
if yu stik to them klussly. To wit, marry sum delikate only dauter of 22
summers (more or less) and take yure mother in law home with yu to
board, this will oil the pores of the sistem, and the blues will eskape
like steam out of the noze of a tea kittle. Once more, hire out to keep
a distrikt skool for 9 dollars per month, and hash around the naborhood,
or take a 3 year old kiking heifer to brake to milk, this will open yure
swareing valves, and so hurry the blood, that the blues will leave yu in
disgust, and fasten their fangs on to sum other phellow. Againly, go
down into sum marsh in the kingdum ov Nu Jersey fishing for frogs in the
month ov August, and fish with one hand, and slap muskeeters with the
other, and the blues will take the hint and vacate yure natur like a
shooting-star. Try either ov the abuv alteratives, dear Snyder, and if
they dont work, go into the bak yard of sum Irish woman and kut her
clothes line when it iz filled with the weeks washing, and if yu dont
git the blues taken out ov yu, and a good deal else besides, yu are a
morbid kuss and wont pay for experimenting on.
_BUBBLES._
Hero's are skarse, but the man who kan make poverty respektable, is one
ov them.
* * * * *
If yu would eskape envy, abuse, and taxes, yu must liv in a deep well,
and only cum out in the nite time.
30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1877.
Q.--Who iz the dearest old aunt? @ @ @
A.--The one whoze bank account iz all right. @ @
[Illustration]
_The Rackcoon haz a striped tail,
And steals green korn amazing,
Hiz hide iz worth 6 bits perhaps,
But coons wont pay for raizing._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _MAKE WEIGHTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ Sloppy times @ | |
| 2| F || now the pig @ @ | Mankind are a race ov coquets, |
| 3| S || @ yells @ more | even virtew herself luvs |
| 4| G || @ kold :|: Warren @ | once in a while to flirt with the |
| 5| M || Davis failed @ @ | devil. |
| 6| T || @ mutch weather | |
| 7| W || @ @ Warren @ @ | * * * * * |
| 8| T || Davis @ failed @ | |
| 9| F || @ @ in the pea | |
|10| S || @ nutt trade @ | Luvers will manage to liv on |
|11| G || wet sloppines @ | luv for a very long time, with an |
|12| M || @ @ Judas waz a | ockashional chance at beefstake |
|13| T || | and onions. |
|14| W || @ @ ded beat @ @ | |
|15| T || !i¡n¡k¡r¡e¡a¡s¡i¡n¡g! | * * * * * |
|16| F || @ weather @ expekt | |
|17| S || @ pak pedlars @ | |
|18| G || @ more @ kold @ | Biographys are delitesum reading, |
|19| M || a stich in @ @ | we kompare all the virtews |
|20| T || @ @ time saves @ | ov the persons karakter with our |
|21| W || @ nine @ snow | own, and all hiz failings with our |
|22| T || @ storm ~ Mag @ | nabors. |
|23| F || Birch * died * 1826 | |
|24| S || @ @ hi winds | * * * * * |
|25| G || Mag want @ @ | |
|26| M || @ @ a suckcess @ | |
|27| T || @ sour ß kold @ | I know numbers who owe |
|28| W || Ben Franklin @ @ | mutch ov their virtew to their |
|29| T || @ flu a @ | ekonemy, they are too stingy to |
|30| F || @ kite @ @ @ | pay the market price ov iniquity. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE OWL._
The owl iz a grizzly grey package, and haz a grate round face az sober,
and intelligent az a cheshire cheese. They kant see bi dalite, but can
see by starlite to pik up a pin. They hunt for a living, and are very
smart, and sudden, on a field mouse, or a meddo mole. The most
wonderphull thing about an owl iz the sollum importanse ov the whole
kritter, az he sits on hiz perch, looking over kreashun, just az tho he
owned the whole ov it. Next to a newly elekted Justiss ov the Peace,
seated on hiz throne, with a poor devil before him charged with the
emoshional krime ov stealing a string ov onions, the owl haz more rare,
and unfathomable wisdum in hiz face than enny thing on earth. I hav
looked at them for haff an hour stiddy, in a shop window, to see if they
winkt, untill i waz ashamed ov mi impudense, but theze owls, i found out
afterwards, waz stuffed. I would thank enny one to tell me if an owl
ever duz wink, and if so, how often. Owls liv to a good old age, but are
not good for diet, they are one ov the fu things we kno ov, that the
more yu bile them, the tuffer they gro. Biled owl iz the most
ungratefull vittles that enny man ever sot in front ov. I never et enny
biled owl but once, and that waz 40 years ago, and i kan taste it now,
every time i think ov it.
_REMNANTS._
I kno ov people so fond ov contradickshun that it wouldn't surprize me
to hear them disputing with a guide board, at the forks ov sum kuntry
road, about the distance to the next town.
* * * * *
Falling in luv iz like falling down stairs, we never kan tell exackly
how the thing waz did.
31 Days. DECEMBER. 1877.
Q.--Who iz the biggest hipokrit? @ @ @
A.--He who calls vice plezzure. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Az lean in flesh az a grid iron,
Sollum he sits, the old Fox hound,
Hiz ears hang down like wet rags,
And hiz keen noze studdys the ground._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _FROST WORK._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || Raw @ kold @ | |
| 2| G || @ now jam fires | It ought to be a fair trade to |
| 3| M || more @ rawy @ | swop religions, but whare will |
| 4| T || Peter denied hiz | yu find the christian party that |
| 5| W || @ master @ kold | iz willing to do it. |
| 6| T || @ grows @ Dick @ | |
| 7| F || @ @ Blister died | |
| 8| S || @ 1839 @ more @ | * * * * * |
| 9| G || inklement @ Dick | |
|10| M || @ Blister * waz * a | |
|11| T || @ konfidence man | I find it iz a grate deal eazier |
|12| W || | for mi philosophy to ackount |
|13| T || @ dredphul koldy @ | for original sin, than for an |
|14| F || @ now dig @ | attack ov the jumping tooth ake. |
|15| S || ice @ it snows ß | |
|16| G || @ @ munny @ @ | |
|17| M || iz power @ wind | * * * * * |
|18| T || @ @ @ nor east | |
|19| W || Jackson waz a Ψ @ | |
|20| T || @ dimokrat @ big | Temptashuns iz what tries a |
|21| F || @ snow ** in time | mans moral grip, Adam and |
|22| S || @ @ ov peace ~ | Eve were very good plums untill |
|23| || prepare @ for @ | the devil shook their bush, then |
|24| M || @ @ war @ @ | they let go their holt immijiately. |
|25| T || @ intense @ kold | |
|26| W || @ Molly Bristow @ | |
|27| T || born @ 1840 @ | * * * * * |
|28| F || @ kolder @ Molly | |
|29| S || @ waz * a * shop @ | |
|30| G || @ lifter @ Good @ | Marrid life iz too often a mere |
|31| M || @: Bye everyboddy | trial ov enduranse. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_TRIALS AND PERSEKUSHUNS OV AN AUTHOR._
Josh Billings' "_Farmer's Allminax_" for the year 1878 is now on our
desk, and why will the friends of this man allow him to disgrace
himself, and humanity too, by spreading such nonsense broadcast through
the land?
_St. Louis Advance._
* * * * *
Vile trash! when are we to be released from this annual overflow, this
ideotick Allminac? Kind heaven, tell us when.
_Milwaukee Daily Bread._
* * * * *
Over Ninety Thousand of Josh Billings' "_Farmer's Allminax_" are sold
each year. How long iz this to continue? Will not the publick arise in
their insulted dignity, and drive this pest from the world?
_Boston Pilgrim._
* * * * *
Shoot him! shoot the "_Allminax_" maker.
_Arkansas Bowie Knife._
* * * * *
Alass! alass! is there no eskape, is thare no place in the wide world
that we can fly to, and be free from this sickening visit--this yearly
avalanche? A curse on "Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax."
_Chicago Budget._
31 Days. JANUARY. 1878.
[Illustration]
_The yung Trotter at first,
Az he stands bi hiz dam,
Is all legs like a shanghi,
And az meek az a lam._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _BRILLIANTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ Now prospekt | |
| 2| W || for @ ice @ | I allwuss think that it iz good |
| 3| T || sighns ov kold @ | taste, and pretty good religion |
| 4| F || @ the bumble bee | too, when a man prays for the |
| 5| S || iz still [?] very @ | sins ov the people, to count |
| 6| G || Kold @ Pete Hyer | himself in. |
| 7| M || Ω perished 1814 @ | |
| 8| T || @ more @ kolder | |
| 9| W || \ Pet @ choked / | * * * * * |
|10| T || @ to deth < big | |
|11| F || -: snouness :- | |
|12| S || Pete Hyer @ waz ¶ | Wimmin dont like to be loved |
|13| G || @ hung @ fine @ | too mutch, and i rejoice in their |
|14| M || @ sleighing @ raw | spunk. |
|15| T || | |
|16| W || but Ω kold @ now | |
|17| T || @ puntch @ fires | * * * * * |
|18| F || < more @ snow > | |
|19| S || hooping @ @ cough | |
|20| G || invented ! = ? 1206 | Heathens, poor benighted kritters, |
|21| M || more @ rauness | dont indulge in horse trotts, |
|22| T || now () pay (!) yure | nor law suits neither. |
|23| W || @tax@ snow 4 @ | |
|24| T || feet deep @ Jane ~ | |
|25| F || -: Barker Ψ fell :- | * * * * * |
|26| S || 1832 (@) more @ | |
|27| G || @ kolder Jane @ | |
|28| M || @ Barker @ fell @ | If you hav enny doubt about |
|29| T || @ down cellar (!) | the propriety ov a thing, you |
|30| W || @ now ¶ krak @ | may be pretty certain that the |
|31| T || > buttnutts. < | doubt iz right. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE CUCKOO, AND THE JACKDAW._
The cuckoo iz about the size ov four small robins, and iz one ov the
fust birds to tell us that spring haz fairly cum. This iz kind in the
cuckoo, and they ought to hav a vote ov thanks, and a gold medal
besides. Their song iz a good deal like the song ov a tin whissell, all
in one key, but enny kind ov a song, from enny living kreature, iz
acceptable. These birds hav one spot in their naturs entirely diffrent
from enny animate thing I kno ov, they dont seem to possess the least
particle ov affeckshun for their little cuckoos. They never bild enny
nests, but lay their eggs in other birds nests, and let them do the
hatching. This would be called smart in a man, but seems to me, iz darn
mean in a bird. I wonder whare they lernt this trick.
_THE JACKDAW._
The jackdaw, like the raven, iz born ov blak parents, and iz about one
quarter the size ov the common krow. Their food seems to konsist ov enny
thing, and their appetights are az klamarous az a distrikt skool just
let out to play, at lunch time. They lay two eggs, and both eggs would
probberly hatch out if they waz solid, for the Jackdaw iz bound to liv,
and prosper. They luv man, and his ways, and are allwuss found az kluss
to him az they kan git.
_CHIPS._
The best relief for the rumatiz, that haz been diskovered yet, iz to
find sum phellow who haz got the gout bad, and then pitty him.
* * * * *
About the time a man haz got old enuff to travel a good gait on hiz
experience, death taps him on the shoulder, and wants him just around
the corner.
28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1878.
[Illustration]
_But he grows like a weed,
'Till he iz four years old,
He iz hi headed, and rangey,
Flat-footed, and bold._