the natral born Yankee pedlar. He takes to the bizzness just az handy az
a yung duk takes to the water, who haz been hatched out by mistake amung
a lot ov hen's eggs. He kan see just whare the proffit lies in a dicker,
and aint afrade to invest hiz whole pile, at a minnitt's notiss, in an
assorted lot ov goose yokes. He begins life yung, and like the bizzy
ant, gits up arly, and eats on the run. Az long az he keeps honest he iz
sure to sukceed, but sumtimes hiz genius iz too mutch for hiz integrity,
and every boddy gits to be az frade ov him, az they are ov a hornet. The
hornet iz the smartest bug in kreashun, but haint got no friends. The
world luvs to be cheated, but they want to hav it dun bi an honest man,
and not bi a hornet, and then they never seem to git tired ov it. I hav
seen Yankee pedlars who allwus cheated every boddy they traded with, but
they allwuss did it so honest, and square, that every boddy seemed to be
happy when their turn cum. But the old fashioned Yankee pedlar, with his
little red painted kart, and bobtail pony, like the letterings on the
mile stuns, iz fast fading away.
_SEIZE._
Stik and hang yung man, it iz the last six inches in a race that allwuss
wins the munny.
* * * * *
If yu want to find out just how mean, and dishonest, yu hav allwuss
been, git a nominashun, and run for sum offiss.
30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1876.
Q.--What are oaths? @ @ @
A.--Sin in italicks. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_John read in a hand bill somewhare,
That salt water was shure to save him,
So he went forthwith to Long Branch,
And hired a man to bathe him._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _EARLY BIRDS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || Kold but sour @ | |
| 2| T || @ @ now worry | Thoze who are too proud to |
| 3| F || the fires @ @ @ | enquire what a thing kosts when |
| 4| S || sno | 9| foot @ | they buy it, are the fust ones to |
| 5| G || @ @ @ deep | find fault when they cum to pay |
| 6| M || Zeke @ Rathbun | for it. |
| 7| T || failed 1862 @ @ | |
| 8| W || kold @ @ grows | |
| 9| T || @ Zeke waz in @ | * * * * * |
|10| F || @ @ @ @ | |
|11| S || the pea nut @ @ | |
|12| G || @ ~ @ profeshun | |
|13| M || | Kards, whiskey, and hoss raceing, |
|14| T || grate kold @ @ | bring all men down to the |
|15| W || @ @ now @ @ | same level. |
|16| T || mastikate @ @ @ | |
|17| F || @ @ @ | |
|18| S || @ ham and egg | * * * * * |
|19| G || kolder :: @ @ | |
|20| M || @ avoid @ tite @ | |
|21| T || @ boots @ | If a man writes for fame, the |
|22| W || sno inkreases @ @ | less he writes, the better. |
|23| T || @ @ Satan iz @ | |
|24| F || @ @ @ | |
|25| S || a @ mean @ kuss | * * * * * |
|26| G || it ~ thaws | |
|27| M || mutch kold @ ß | |
|28| T || @ @ hitch up to | When a man meazzures out |
|29| W || the fire @ @ @ | glory for himself, he allwuss heaps |
|30| T || ¶ @ @ ¶ | the haff bushel. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE KUNTRY HOSS JOCKEY._
For a red hot speciality, yu hav got to hunt kreashun cluss, to find an
equal, to the kuntry hoss jockey. He iz allwuss a man ov plezant
temperament, vain ov hiz opinyuns, often ov more fancy than judgement,
and quik to decide. He haz but little real affecksun for a hoss, and
only luvs him, for the cheat that iz in him. He iz allwuss reddy to
trade for enny thing, from a yerling kolt, to the kavalry hoss that Gen
Butler rode, at the battle ov Brandywine. He never knows when he gits
cheated, and ever thinks, that the last nag he got, iz the best one he
ever owned. He iz not bothered with too mutch conscience, and would az
soon lay out a travelling preacher in a swop, az hiz own father-in-law,
and do it without enny malice, but just for the honor ov the profeshun.
I dont kno whi it iz, that a man kan trade cows and be pious, or swop
oxen, and be a good deakon, or even negoshiate dogs, and be lookt upon
favourably, but when he goes into the hoss trading enterprize, if he
kant cheat, he haz mistaken hiz calling, and aint happy. The hoss jockey
iz sumtimes honest from policy, and the man who iz simply honest from
policy, needs az mutch watching az a hive ov bees do, who are just
gitting reddy to swarm.
_DISKOUNT._
If yu want to find out the utter weakness ov munny, just try to hire a
dubble tooth to stop akeing.
* * * * *
A boy will learn to sware well, in just haff the time it takes to learn
the 10 commands.
31 Days. DECEMBER. 1876.
Q.--What iz a fiddle? @ @ @
A.--A ticklish thing. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_John kept growing wusser and wuss,
Thinner, and thinner each day,
At last he waz nothing but mist,
And an East wind blu him away._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _MIXT PHOOD._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ ~ @ Raw kold | |
| 2| S || now whissell @ @ | Whiskey makes a grate menny |
| 3| G || @ in your kats | wize men to day, and phools |
| 4| M || more snowy @ @ | tommorow. |
| 5| T || @ @ Sue Benson | |
| 6| W || died 1812 @ @ | * * * * * |
| 7| T || @ expekt @ snow | |
| 8| F || Sue @ waz @ a * flirt | |
| 9| S || mutch raw ß @ | Persons who marry after a long |
|10| G || @ @ @ now | and tejus courtship, go into |
|11| M || con::glom::e::rate | bizzness with just about the same |
|12| T || @ sassage @ | alakraty, that an old plough hoss |
|13| W || | jogs to church on Sunday. |
|14| T || wind north ~ ¶ | |
|15| F || @ @ Noah @ @ | |
|16| S || owned @ the @ ark | * * * * * |
|17| G || @ @ it @ snows | |
|18| M || let her snow @ @ | |
|19| T || @ @ @ hansum iz | Kuriosity is the same in all |
|20| W || az hansum duz @ | people, the vulgar stare, and the |
|21| T || @ :@: @ | refined peek thru a krak. |
|22| F || :|: quite snowfull ~ | |
|23| S || now slay @ @ | |
|24| G || @ @ @ turkeys | * * * * * |
|25| M || Noah @ Webster | |
|26| T || @ bilt the @ | |
|27| W || dikshionary @ @ @ | It is sed that men will tell the |
|28| T || @ @ @ | truth when they are drunk, but |
|29| F || may we all meet | sutch folks will lie more than |
|30| S || @ @ @ next year | enuff to ballance the akount, |
|31| G || GOOD-BYE !!!! | just az soon az they git sober. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_PREVAILING SENTIMENTS OV THE PRESS._
Josh Billings still livs, and his Allminax for 1877 iz full ov joy for
the sad, and rest for the weary.
_Atlantik Monthly._
* * * * *
How natural, how happy, how concise, how forcible, it is, Josh Billings'
Allminax for 1877.
_Appleton's Journal._
* * * * *
Welcome, sweet morsel of delight, ever funny, and ever profound, Josh
Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the current year.
_Harpers' Bazzar._
* * * * *
Bully for you Josh, hit 'em agin, slay, and spare not, may you outlive
Methuseler, and not haul in your gang plank until Gabriel cries, "All a
board."
_Springfield Republican._
* * * * *
Aroma of lovelyness, perfume of joy, essence of tiltilation, breath of
beauty, seance of bliss, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877.
_Lady's Book._
31 Days. JANUARY. 1877.
Q.--How iz yure mother-in-law? @ @ @ @
A.--Pretty well i thank yu, how iz yures? @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Hawk eyed, and spileing for a fight,
If enny one thinks they kan lick him,
Just let them put up the spondulicks,
And trot out the other game chicken._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _PETS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ Now dig ice | |
| 2| T || @ kold @ but | A man with mutch welth, and |
| 3| W || raw @ ¶ meazles | no pedigree, should do az the |
| 4| T || diskovered 1312 @ | bob tailed kats do, set down on |
| 5| F || @ * snowfull * @ | himself, and keep still. |
| 6| S || Adam fell @ hard | |
| 7| G || ::: wind north @ | |
| 8| M || § Enok Jones died | * * * * * |
| 9| T || @ 1102 -- more | |
|10| W || snow @ Enok < | |
|11| T || @ Jones was a free | Tricks upon travellers are allwuss |
|12| F || | dangerous experiments, i |
|13| S || lover @ sighns @@ | hav known a ded hornet to |
|14| G || ov melting @ now | wake up sudden, and sting just |
|15| M || destroy sum -- @ | once more. |
|16| T || hogs @ it rains @ | |
|17| W || @ litening @ bugs | |
|18| T || fust seen 956 @ (!) | * * * * * |
|19| F || × inkreasing snow | |
|20| S || @ mormonism @ | |
|21| G || invented 1832 () * | Familiarity iz a dangerous |
|22| M || @ @ snow 4 feet | experiment, the most familiar thing |
|23| T || deep * now the @ | in the whole world iz a puppy, |
|24| W || [Φ] muskeeter [Φ] | and the oftenest stept on. |
|25| T || lies @ @ dreaming | |
|26| F || @ cold @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|27| S || morely @ + @ | |
|28| G || @ now @ the | |
|29| M || @ :o: kat Ω @ | This is my plan,--to beleave |
|30| T || huggeth the @ @ | all things that i hear, but to put |
|31| W || --Φ-- @ stove | mi faith, and munny, in but few. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_SUM ABRUPT LETTERS._
_Dear Bob._--The most disgusting kritter to me, in the whole ov the
United States ov Amerika, iz an overgrown boy, ov about fifteen summers,
who haz bekum the terror ov the whole family, and spends hiz spare time
hammering the cow, and stirring up the pig, and chickens. If the father,
or father-in-law, ov one ov these youths, will lend him to me, if i dont
civilize him, or kill him in ninety days, i will agree to forfit 50
dollars, and the cloth for a new alpacka dress.
P. S.--Send on the boy at once, at mi expense, i am just now out ov a
job.--J. B.
* * * * *
_Dear Steve._--It iz hard work to be in luv and not akt phoolish, but
luv iz the only thing i kno ov that makes pholly excusable. Luv haz made
sum kind ov a phool ov every man it haz attacked since the days ov Adam,
and it made the biggest kind ov a phool ov him. Wisdum, and ambishun iz
no protekshun aginst the disseaze, for Soloman evaporated before it like
the dew before the morning sun, and even good old David wilted like the
hewn grass.
* * * * *
_Dear Hank._--When yu strike ile pull out yure auger at onst, and begin
to barrell the ile, menny a man haz kept on untill he bored klean thru
and sum other phellow kaught the grease at the bottom.
_BULBS._
Ministers often point out to us, poor sinners, the strate, and narrow
gauge, az the only way to git to heaven, while they hav got a private
turnpike ov their own that 2.40 kan be made on.
* * * * *
Waiting to be whipt iz the most uninteresting period in boyhood life.
28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1877.
Q.--What iz the smartest thing that a man kan do? @ @ @
A.--To drink pepper sass. @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_An ugly lump is the Tarrier Bull,
For fighting allwuss reddy,
With Mike O'Rowke he travels,
And his name iz one eyed Teddy._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _VAGRANTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || The kold @!@ | Life aint mutch more than a |
| 2| F || chatters @@ Bill | farce enny how, but it iz quite |
| 3| S || Comstock deceased | necessary that the play should |
| 4| G || !! 1746 @ sighn ov | go on, and the farce be well |
| 5| M || snow @ Bill @ | ackted. |
| 6| T || Comstock died ov | |
| 7| W || ¶ § a broken heart | * * * * * |
| 8| T || more koldful () @ | |
| 9| F || @ Bill Comstock @ | The man whoze ambishun iz |
|10| S || tried to lift a @ @ | simply to liv, iz of no more |
|11| G || ton * kolder * but | importanse in this world, than an |
|12| M || | extra rat iz. |
|13| T || couldn't @ @ snow | |
|14| W || @ falls @ sun in | * * * * * |
|15| T || apogee @ bitter § | |
|16| F || kold @ rats are | If Adam and Eve had remained |
|17| S || skarse @ it storms | in the garden ov Eden untill to |
|18| G || C-h-r-i-s-t-o-p-h-e-r | day, they would hav simply been |
|19| M || Columbus @ @ @ | two fat, overgrown babys. |
|20| T || @ diskovered @ | |
|21| W || Amerika @ koldness | * * * * * |
|22| T || waxes :@: now @ | |
|23| F || @ @ the + @ | The gratest cumfort i hav seen |
|24| S || bull frog @ holds | in marrid life waz whare one ov |
|25| G || [@] hiz tung * @ | the partys wanted everything |
|26| M || snow rages @ Sam | their own way, and the other |
|27| T || :@: Patch died @@@ | party waz willing they should |
|28| W || poor * 1837 * @ | hav it. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE ALLIGATOR._
The alligator iz an original kritter, a chip of the old block, and az
ugly to kontemplate az a congo darkey. They are residents ov Florida,
and gro 12 feet, and nine inches and then halt. Their teeth are all
tushes, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a buzz saw iz. Their eys
are sot up, and down, in their hed like a chinamans, and they hav an
appetight equal to 18 distrikt skool masters. They are the krokerdiles
ov Amerika, and lay eggs az eazy az a hen duz, but dont kackle when they
cum oph from the nest. They are grate cowards but aint afrade ov yung
pork, or little darkeys, and kan eat all the time, or go without eating,
az long az a gold fish kan. The alligator waz made for sum usefull
purpose, but like the muskeeter, the bedbugg, and the kokroach, their
usefullness haz been karephully hid from us. Yu kan shoot a hundred
alligators a day on the St. Johns river, but you kant bag one, and thare
aint enny more game in them, than thare iz in a rotten log. They are
long lived, and liv, if mi memory serves me right, 4 thousand years, and
their grate strength lays in their tails. They hiss when they are angry
like a tea kittle, and want az mutch room to turn round in az a fore and
aft skooner.
_DEW DROPS_
I hav known whiskey to make a man generous, but when he got sober agin,
he would git square with himself, bi being meaner than ever.
* * * * *
The man who iz rekless ov hiz life holds it at just about its market
value.
31 Days. MARCH. 1877.
Q.--What are the 2 luxurys ov life? @ @ @
A.--Eazy boots, and a snug conshience. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Darwin sez, we hail from the munky,
And Darwin knows all about this thing,
But while i respekt mi poor relashuns,
From whitch, pray tell me, did the munky spring._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _NUTMEGS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || It blows @ @ | |
| 2| F || (@) Robert Burns | Enny man kan beat me out |
| 3| S || @ wrote poetry @ | ov mi munny, and mi opinyuns, |
| 4| G || more wind !! @ | eazy enuff, but no man kan beat |
| 5| M || * Fulton was * a | me out ov mi faith. |
| 6| T || @ steambote @ | |
| 7| W || @ @ Capting | |
| 8| T || @ wind travels @ | * * * * * |
| 9| F || around loose @ | |
|10| S || | |
|11| G || @ | now set hens | One ov the most unhappy |
|12| M || @ kold and raw @ | kritters in this world iz a |
|13| T || kongress sits ! more | neglekted pet, they are wuss off |
|14| W || @ windy @ Bob | than a vagrant. |
|15| T || Fletcher @ loved | |
|16| F || not @ wisely * but | * * * * * |
|17| S || too well @ Bob | |
|18| G || @ Fletcher loved | |
|19| M || whiskey @ wind @ | The middle course iz the best, |
|20| T || Easty @ Bonaparte | even a moderate deakon iz better |
|21| W || @ was a ~ @ | than a red hot one. |
|22| T || @ Frenchman @ | |
|23| F || ¶ @ rain @ with | |
|24| S || @ w-i-n-d @ | * * * * * |
|25| G || @ buty @@ iz | |
|26| M || short lived @ @ | |
|27| T || @ it blows @ @ | Yung man, dont ask enny |
|28| W || @ @ @ @ now | favours, it iz better to hav the |
|29| T || @ twitch teeth ß | world owe yu 10 dollars, and |
|30| F || more @ @ @ | finally git cheated out ov it, |
|31| S || @ @ @ wind @ | than to owe them one. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE LOAFER._
The loafer iz a thing who iz willing to be dispized for the privilege ov
abusing others. He occupys all grades in sosiety from the judge on the
bench clear down to the ragged kritter who leans aginst the lamp posts,
and fites flies in August. He haz no pride that iz worthy, and no
delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt. During his boyhood he kills kats, and
robs all the hens nests in the naborhood. During hiz middle life he begs
all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whiskey he kan at
sumboddy else's expense. During hiz old age he winters in the alms
houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he cums to die, he
iz buried in a dich, like an omnibuss horse, with hiz old shuze on. The
loafer cares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make enny
man a loafer. The loafer rather covets disgrase, and when a man gits az
low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git in this world
without digging. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust loafer, and
probably shant hav ov the last one, but in mi opinyun, they hav existed
just about az long az man haz. If Cain want a loafer, pray what waz he?
_TIT BITS._
Woman hav allwuss been more than a match for man, Adam held the best
kards, but he didn't kno how to play them well.
* * * * *
Thare iz one trait ov the human karakter that the devil himself must
envy, and that iz, the more we hav injured a man, the more we dispize
him.
30 Days. APRIL. 1877.
Q.--Who fust struk ile? @ @ @
A.--Jonah @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Long, lank, lean, and lemon colored.
An orphan, without friends, or place,
A target for every ones brik bat.
The yaller dog runs a dusty race._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _BIRDLINGS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ Pensive showers | One of the most diskourageing |
| 2| M || @ April Phool @ | features ov modern civilizashun, |
| 3| T || begot 896 @ @ | iz the average kuntry hotel. |
| 4| W || @ @ more wetness | |
| 5| T || @ Babes in the @ | |
| 6| F || woods @ @ @ lost | * * * * * |
| 7| S || 1122 @ wind @ | |
| 8| G || @ south @ now the | |
| 9| M || @ @ frogs squeal | Mankind luv to be cheated, |
|10| T || @ sum more @ @ | but they want to hav it dun bi |
|11| W || @ wetness @ now @ | an artist |
|12| T ||@ investigate @ for | |
|13| F || hens eggs @ a @ | |
|14| S ||@ @ kloudless day @ | * * * * * |
|15| G || Peter Bacon died | |
|16| M || 1492 @ @ cool but | |
|17| T ||@ pretty @ Peter @ | The most kritikal people to |
|18| W || @ @ Bacon had no | suit, are thoze who board at the |
|19| T || mother @ in law | alms houses. |
|20| F ||wind veers northy @ | |
|21| S ||@ @ now the gentle | |
|22| G || @ kokroach @ @ | * * * * * |
|23| M || cometh @ sum more | |
|24| T || @ wet @ Amos @ | |
|25| W || @ @ Bostwick born | Thare may be sutch a thing az |
|26| T || @ 1827 @ hard @ | a man who haz stole once, and |
|27| F || showers @ Amos @ | then quit, but i hav not the |
|28| S ||Bostwick @ had but | honor ov hiz acquaintanse. |
|29| G || @ @ @ one eye @ | |
|30| M || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_ARTIKLES OV FAITH._
Heaven bless the stummuk ake, if it want for this, menny ov us deakons
wouldn't hav no good excuse for hot rum.
* * * * *
The saddest ov all sights sad in this world, iz a child with a broken
spirit.
* * * * *
Man kant make cirkumstanses, but he kan take them bi the horns, insted
ov the tale.
* * * * *
Dont parade yure sorrows before the world, but bury them az the dogs do
their old bones, and then growl if enny boddy offers to dig them up.
* * * * *
Klubs are a place whare most people go to git rid ov themselfs.
* * * * *
A trained child to me iz a kind ov horror, i like to see them rekless
with innosense.
* * * * *
The boy who iz pikt out to be the genius ov the family is allwuss sure
to be the biggest dohed in the whole lot.
[Illustration]
The only way to tire a phool out, iz to listen to him, and agree to
every thing he sez =
Affekshionately Josh Billings
[Illustration]
I hav seen men load a dubble barrell gun klear up to the muzzell, to
kill a chipping bird with, and git knokt hed over heels, when. the
gun went off.--and miss the bird besides.=
A literal fakt, Josh Billings
31 Days. MAY. 1877.
Q.--What kind ov a pen do plagarists use? @:~:
A.--A steal pen. @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Thou mewel!--thou art mi horror,--
Desaitfull, and dang'rous kritter,--
Az humbly az satan himself,
And besides a pizon hitter._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _SHADDOWS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || Butiful @ May @ | After a man has reached the |
| 2| W || @ now the @ tud | hight ov hiz ambishun the fust |
| 3| T || murmers @ @ soft | thing he duz, iz to be disgusted |
| 4| F || showers ( @ ) Kate | with it. |
| 5| S ||Sturgiss admitted * | |
| 6| G || 1842 @ @ Kate | |
| 7| M || Stuigis @ was a @ | * * * * * |
| 8| T || doktriss @ more * | |
| 9| W || hazy @ now prepare | |
|10| T ||@ @ for arly lettiss | It aint safe to endorse ennybody, |
|11| F || @ rain @ munny iz | we kant even tell ourselfs |
|12| S || tite @ brite and @ | what kind ov a man we shall |
|13| G || * klear @ Solaman | be on the 25th day of next |
|14| M || @ @ had wisdum | june. |
|15| T || klearing weather @ | |
|16| W || now probe * for @ | |
|17| T || @ @ hoss radish | * * * * * |
|18| F || @ sum more @ @ | |
|19| S || @ @ @ rainness @ | |
|20| G || @ Jabez Tucker | I prefer the gravity ov the |
|21| M || @ obituated @ @ | owl to the loquacity ov the |
|22| T || 1776 @ @ @ a @ | magpie, it iz better to look |
|23| W || @ @ @ sweet day | wize, than to talk phoolish. |
|24| T || Jabez fit @ @ @ | |
|25| F || @ and died @ | |
|26| S || @ ~ into the @ | * * * * * |
|27| G || revolushun @ @ | |
|28| M || @ @ @ more rain | |
|29| T || now insert @ @ | The cheapest and best way to |
|30| W || @ onion seed -@- | convince a phool, is to agree |
|31| T || | with him. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_SHORT REPLYS._
_Dear Luke._--I kant bear to see enny man strike a dog, i kno dogs are
full ov fleas, but i kno they are full ov affeckshun too. I am very sad
when i think that affeckshun iz no protekshun to man, nor kritter in
this kold, and ironklad world. It would seem that a lamb ought to git
along thru life more fluently than a hornet duz, but they duzzent, and i
also notiss that the most suckcessful hornets are thoze who are bilt
with a stinger on both ends ov them. I love the lambs, but respekt the
hornets.
* * * * *
_Dear Mose._--All the humorist that i am acquainted with are sad, and
sober kusses. I never knu a fust rate humorist who waz a good laffer,
they are willing to make other people laff, but prefer themselfs to
stand by and look on. If Mark Twain should be kaught laffing, hiz
friends would immejately put him to bed and send for hiz family
physician. Nasby, the grate politikal satirist, waz never known to smile
but once, and then he, and Pogram, were in the bak end ov the grosery at
the crossroads, but the cauze ov hiz mirth iz a profound sekret to this
day. The best laffers i hav ever knu, whare thoze who lafft at their own
jokes.
_SPLINTERS._
If yu are determined to bet enny how, bet yure bottom dollar the fust
time, and then go into sum more respektable bizzness.
* * * * *
Thare are no weeds in this world that wilt so quick, az the weeds ov the
widower.
30 Days. JUNE. 1877.
Q.--What iz yure favourite name for a Boy? @ @ @
A.--George Washington, Lafayette, Napoleon, Ulyssess Grant. @
[Illustration]
_The poodle iz a frowzy bird,
A hiding place for fleas, and varmin,
Wimmin lug them round for pets.
And call them_ "luv," _and_ "duv," _and_ "charming."
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Items._ | _POSTSKRIPTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ Luvly moments | The man who iz eazily influenced |
| 2| S || @ wind bammy @ | and yet wont be advised, |
| 3| G || june bugs are @ @ | iz a dredphull hard kritter |
| 4| M || @ here @ very wet | to steer. |
| 5| T || Patience Burbanks | |
| 6| W || @ @ run @ away @ | |
| 7| T || 1840 @ sun hot | * * * * * |
| 8| F || @ @ Patience fled | |
| 9| S ||with @ a @ pedlar @ | |
|10| G || @ @ hot showers | Necessity iz the very best gift |
|11| M ||@ the @ violet @ haz | ov heaven, without it poor human |
|12| T || @ cum @ @ gentle | natur would only be a herd ov |
|13| W ||softness @ prevails | loafers. |
|14| T || @ now @ jerk @ | |
|15| F ||@: lettiss @ sum :@ | |
|16| S || | * * * * * |
|17| G || wet @ @ now pik | |
|18| M || the goose @ more @ | |
|19| T ||@ softness @ @ fleas | What a man gits for nothing, |
|20| W || diskovered 1309 @ | he iz very apt to value at just |
|21| T || hotness exists @ @ | about what it kost. |
|22| F || expekt pak pedlars | |
|23| S || @ @ wind rizes @ | |
|24| G || @ @ Sam Brewster | * * * * * |
|25| M ||elekted constable @ | |
|26| T || @ 1865 @ sighns ov | |
|27| W || drougth @ be kind | Opportunitys are like birds, |
|28| T || @ @ to your mother | they will slip out ov yure hands |
|29| F ||in law @ @ very hot | if yu giv them haff a chance. |
|30| S || -now-stik-in-beans | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE SPIDER._