that i hav stated a good deal about them that wazn't jist so, and left
unsed mutch that waz true. The krow iz az cunning az a Tombs lawyer, and
just about az mutch ov a ded beat. Yu kant ketch one in a trap, and if
you should, yu could not bile one in a pot, soft enuff to eat, in 3
weeks. A tame krow, and a civilized injun, may be a moral triumph on the
face ov it, but when yu cum to examine the other side ov it, yu will
find that yu hav overdid the bizzness. If all the krows, and injuns, in
this world were tame and, civilized, yu could bid fairwell to all other
manuel, and mental labor, and spend all yure time, and talents, studying
the pesky, infernal kritters. Krows assemble in the fall ov the year, 30
thousand ov them, or more, in council, and appoint their deakons for the
following year. At this grate kawkuss, rezolushuns ov a inflamitory
natur are passed, daming the farmers for putting up skare krows in the
kornfields, plans are laid for next years stealings, and each krow
swopping wives, the meeting disseminates, and the krows fli away.
_HOLD!_
Dont keep but one dog, no one but a pauper kan afford to keep three.
* * * * *
If yu are going to make amuzements a stiddy bizzness, ketching flies iz
az good az enny.
31 Days. MARCH. 1876.
Q.--What are bording-houses? @ @
A.--Asylums for cockroaches. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_John heard next that dieting,
Waz the only thing 'twould kure him,----
Liv on a jill of soup a day,
And they offered to insure him._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _FRONT TEETH._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || Windy @ winds @ | |
| 2| T || @ Congress gits | Wize men sumtimes bild air |
| 3| F || together @ [ @ | kastles just for the fun ov the |
| 4| S || now ß look out | thing, it iz only the phools who |
| 5| G || @ @ for wind | bild them, and then undertake to |
| 6| M || watch hens @ @ | liv in them. |
| 7| T || @ for eggs @ | |
| 8| W || @ wind more @ so | |
| 9| T || Frank Dutcher | * * * * * |
|10| F || appeared 1742 @ | |
|11| S || @ wind howls @ | I hav seen folks who waz violently |
|12| G || | oppozed to gambling, simply |
|13| M || @ @ Frank @ @ | bekauze they had found out |
|14| T || D-u-t-c-h-e-r | that they couldn't win. |
|15| W || @ @ waz @ @ a | |
|16| T || failure @ ~ @ | |
|17| F || wind @ shouts | * * * * * |
|18| S || @ now ! ask @ | |
|19| G || k!o!n!u!md!r!u!m!s | |
|20| M || @ @ windy @ @ | I notiss one thing, when a man |
|21| T || William @ Penn | stubs his toe he cussess all |
|22| W || @ @ waz a @ @ | kreashun fust, then the toe, but |
|23| T || quaker @ @ @ | never himself. |
|24| F || @ wind @ | |
|25| S || frackshus ¶ @ @ | |
|26| G || @ now hunt | * * * * * |
|27| M || weazels @ @ @ | |
|28| T | | @ wind @ | |
|29| W || more south :: | Dont change yure bait mi boy, |
|30| T || @ @ @ than it | if yu are ketching fish with angle |
|31| F || (w) (a) (z) @ @ | worms--stik to the worms. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE KROTON BUG._
The kroton bug are dirty blak kusses, without enny pedigree, and ov no
more use than an extra fli in a plate ov soup. They hang around wet and
damp places, and are all the time either going in, or comeing out, ov
every krak in that naborhood. Thare iz no begining, nor end, to their
number, and if yu bore a hole with a gimblet, enny whare near a plug
basin, the next day the krotons will be az thick around it, az tho a nu
3 cent gin mill had just been opened thare. What they liv on no
naturalist knows, or dassent tell, and yu kant git rid ov them, enny
more than you kan skare the flies out ov a sugar hogshed, by hollering
at them. They are allwuss on the move like a grasshopper, but what they
are about, or would like to hav, they kant even tell them selfs. Thare
iz a powder advertized which they say will klean the kroton bugs all out
ov the house in 4 days. I am no gambler, but i will give the powder 7
days the start, and then bet on the bugs. Thare is only one sure way to
git the krotons out ov a house, burn up the house and let a strong east
wind blo the ashes away.
_DWELL._
The devil allwuss keeps the gide boards that lead to hiz dominions,
fresh painted, and in good order.
* * * * *
I never knu a man yet who waz allwuss watching his helth, to die enny
whare near az soon az he expekted to.
30 Days. APRIL. 1876.
Q.--Define a pig. @ @ @
A.--Pork in pantaletts. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_For two years John lived on nothing,
And walkt like a ghost on a raid,
'Till he lookt like the piktur abuv,
Which kost us a "V" to hav made._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _HED LIGHTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ @ It rains @ @ | |
| 2| G || bright @ and @ | Dont never trust a man at the |
| 3| M || butiful @ let | rate ov 50 cents on a dollar,--if |
| 4| T || @ @ her rain @ @ | yu kant konfide in him at par, |
| 5| W || now stik in lettiss | let him slide. |
| 6| T || @ sum @ @ more @ | |
| 7| F || @ rain @ | |
| 8| S || now @ the ß frog | * * * * * |
| 9| G || @ squeals a wet @ | |
|10| M || @ day @ @ @ | I dont kno which iz the biggest |
|11| T || Joab ¶ @ Mitchell | phool, the man who kan spend |
|12| W || @ died 1769 @ | two hours bragging about himself, |
|13| T || mizzling wet @ @ | or the one who kan sit pashuntly |
|14| F || @ @ @ Joab loved | and listen to him. |
|15| S || old cider @ wind | |
|16| G || southy @ @ about | |
|17| M || now ~ @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|18| T || | |
|19| W || @ thrust in arly @ | It iz very diffikult for a man to |
|20| T || peas @ @ @ moist | change his pollyticks, or hiz |
|21| F || but @ wet @ @ @ | religion, without being suspekted |
|22| S || ekonemy is welth | ov having very little ov either. |
|23| G || @ @ it rains @ | |
|24| M || Daniel Webster | |
|25| T || @ @ knu law ß @ | * * * * * |
|26| W || it @--@ drizzles | |
|27| T || @ @ @ "vox @ @ @ | |
|28| F || non est @ @ @ | The two bizzyest persons in |
|29| S || con-fab-u-lus" § | this world about nothing, iz a |
|30| G || @ :~. @ | country gossip, and a June bug. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE KUNTRY SKOOL MOM._
The kuntry skool mom iz allwuss about 23 years, and six months old, and
remains rite thare for a term ov years. She wears her hair either kut
short, or hanging around in ringlets, and iz az precise in every thing,
az a pair ov Fairbanks' improved platform skales. She never laffs out
loud, and seldum even smiles, but when she duz, she duz it ackording to
the rules laid down by Murray, for speaking, and pronouncing, the
English language propperly. She iz the very oil ov propriety, and would
rather be four years behind the fashions in bonnetts, than to spell a
word wrong, or parse a sentence inkorrektly. The kuntry skool mom seldum
dies an old maid, she gits marrid to sum man who haz less larning than
she haz, and he thinks (az he ought to) that thare aint another sutch a
larnt woman az hiz wife iz, in all kreashun. With all her precise
foolishness i luv, and respekt, the kuntry skool mom, she taut me mi
letters, and larnt me how to spel, she waz pashunt while i waz stupid,
she soothed me when i waz frackshus, and she often (good soul) giv me a
titbit from her luncheon at noon time. May Heaven bless, and comfort
her, for she iz poorly paid, and iz stepmother to every boddys yung
ones.
_STOP._
A man will liv longer on onions, and abuse, than on enny other 2 things
i kno ov.
* * * * *
Yung man, mark yure goose up hi, two thirds ov the world hav no other
idea of value, only by the price that iz put onto things.
31 Days. MAY. 1876.
Q.--What iz honesty? @ @ @
A.--The wag ov a dogs tail. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Johnny then bought a hard trotter,
And rode himself weak az a rag,
Then sold him for 19 dollars,
Just haff that he gave for the nag._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _WEATHER COCKS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ Hoss radish @ | |
| 2| T || haz cum @ @ @ | Thare iz now and then a fool |
| 3| W || wind south-east | so well bred that he is really |
| 4| T || @ @ @ @ | quite endurable. |
| 5| F || @@ grindstuns @@ | |
| 6| S || diskovered @ 1714 | |
| 7| G || @ @ wet showers | * * * * * |
| 8| M || Ralph Goodo @ | |
| 9| T || @ @ @ born 1109 | |
|10| W || mild but plezant | Gossip that iz travelling around |
|11| T || @ @ @ | loose iz a lie, or will be, bi the |
|12| F || @ @ Ralph @ @ | time it haz changed hands once |
|13| S || loved @ @ sassage | more. |
|14| G || @ prepare @ | |
|15| M || for nice @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|16| T || @ weather @ | |
|17| W || man waz @ @ @ @ | I wrote 5 years just for glory, |
|18| T || kreated ¶ a @ little | and met with sum glory, but |
|19| F || lower than the | when i asked for pay, every boddy |
|20| S || @ angells @ and @ | found out at once, that i waz |
|21| G || | a kussid phool. |
|22| M || haz been @ @ @ | |
|23| T || @ gitting @ | |
|24| W || a @ little @ lower | |
|25| T || @ ever since @ | * * * * * |
|26| F || now @ @ insert | |
|27| S || @ @ arly corn @ @ | |
|28| G || @ @ Pharaoh fell @ | Thare iz lots ov pholks who if |
|29| M || warm @ ~ @ @ | they should miss their morning |
|30| T || @ @ @ @ into the | paper wouldn't kno mutch ov |
|31| W || red see @ @ @ | ennything for that day |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE RED CURRANT_
Next to the apple, for every day wear, cums the red currant. They are
allmost az necessary, and common, for sweetmeats, in all well regulated
familys, az hash iz for brekfasst. They gro on a low bush, and they gro
so thick, that yu couldn't stik another one on, without knocking off
two. They are about the size ov a dubble B shot, and when they are ripe,
are az red az the eye of a wild pigeon. They are az sour az the blood ov
a lemon, but plenty ov sugar kures them ov this malady. Currants are
good green, ripe, and haff ripe, and are cheaper than herring, and not
haff so full of bones. Thare iz a grate menny things i had rather do, in
a hot day, than pik currants but i hav dun it all day, when i waz a boy,
and got a ninepence at night for the job. I am more than haff a century
old now, but i kan look bak and see just how brite, and how big, one ov
them ninepences used to be. A hundred dollars aint haff so mutch munny
now, az they waz then. I wish ı waz a boy agin, and knu ov life what i
kno now, ı would bind miself, if I could allwuss be a boy, to pik
currants for a ninepence a day, az long az the currants held out.
_REFLEKT_
A jealous man iz allwuss anxious to beleave what he doubts the most.
* * * * *
Too grate a luv ov popularity makes a munky ov a man.
[Illustration]
Next to a klear conshunce, for solid cumfort, cums an
eazy boot.=
Try both. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
Dont dispize yure poor relashuns, they may bekum suddenly
ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to explain things to them.=
Undoubtedly so, Josh Billings.
30 Days. JUNE. 1876.
Q.--Define a perfume. @ @ @
A.--Rape ov the flowers. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Five years John spent hunting tonicks,
He drank all the kures in the land,
And lost so mutch flesh he waz forced
To hold up hiz pants with each hand._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _TOP KNOTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || Sighns ov warmness | |
| 2| F || @ @ @ Ruth | He who elevates hiz profeshun |
| 3| S || Comstok born | iz the best mechanik, whether he |
| 4| G || @ @ 1786 @ @ | preaches the gospel, peddles |
| 5| M || @ Ruth Comstok @ | phisick, or skins eels for a living.|
| 6| T || had the @ dispepshy | |
| 7| W || @ more rain @ | |
| 8| T || @ @ now expekt | * * * * * |
| 9| F || litening rod @ @ | |
|10| S || @ @ venders | Lazyness iz a terrible burden |
|11| G || @: hot but wet :@ | to carry, and it iz one ov them |
|12| M || | kind ov burdens that yu kant |
|13| T || § June bugs ¶ @ | dump, if you want to ever so |
|14| W || @ @ @ have cum | mutch. |
|15| T || more heat @ @ @ | |
|16| F || Mark @ Twain | |
|17| S || @ is a funny kuss @ | * * * * * |
|18| G || expekt hotness @ | |
|19| M || @ @ now bury ~ | |
|20| T || potatoes @ @ @ | It aint no disgrace for a man to |
|21| W || @ @ not so warm | fall, but to lay thare, and grunt, |
|22| T || @ Old Grimes @ | iz. |
|23| F || is ded @ @ @ | |
|24| S || hunt @ for @ frogs | |
|25| G || @ hind legs @ | * * * * * |
|26| M || thunder and @ @ | |
|27| T || @ @ litening | |
|28| W || @ thare iz a @ | An old man desperately in luv |
|29| T || divinity shapes | iz an objekt ov pitty, he iz az |
|30| F || @ our ends @ @ | bad off az a lost dog. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE LITENING ROD MAN._
Ever since Adam waz ordered to root, or perish, thare haz been an
endless lot ov labor saving masheens, invented, az plenty, and menny ov
them az useless, az tudstools in an old meadow. Theze invenshuns are
generally pattented, and to be a good pattent rite vender, and sell a
man an injun rubber litening rod, who haz allreddy got two, requires
more genius, than to be consul to the Azore Islands. I have seen theze
litening rod fellows sell a man a rod who wouldn't hav one at enny
price, and after they had got hiz house all covered over with one, and
got the munny for it, git one onto hiz barn, and pig pen, and git hiz
note for them, with his nabors endorsement, for 9 months, with 7 per
cent interest from date. I should be a mizerable hand to sell a pattent
rite miself, but just the rite kind ov a man to buy one. It iz a grate
wonder that I dont own a dozen now, that would be az useless to enny
boddy az a pair ov pattent crutches would be to a lame grasshopper. I
hav got a grate deal ov pattent rite kuriosity in my compound, and am
allways hanging around things that hav got a little mistery in them, but
i suppoze i hav got a grate deal ov caushun too. But now I think ov it,
kuriosity, and caushun, well mixt, are a hard thing to sell a pattent
rite to.
_ESPOUSE._
The fust 3 notes i endorsed i had to pay, and i hope it will be jiss so
with the next 3.
* * * * *
It aint no kredit for enny man, to work for nothing, and board himself.
31 Days. JULY. 1876.
Q.--What are sassages? @ @ @
A.--Doggerels. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Our pashunt now took to reading,
He studdid the liver ov man,
Untill he knu what ailed him,
A heap less, than when he began._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _RIGHT BOWERS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || Big-hotness @ @ | |
| 2| G || @ @ Paul waz an | Luv is the strongest pashun ov |
| 3| M || apostle @ @ @ | a woman's harte, she has got to |
| 4| T || @ sighns @ ov @ | luv sumthing, either a baby, a |
| 5| W || @ @ thunder @ | nu bonnet, a lap dog, or the |
| 6| T || now destroy grass | heathen. |
| 7| F || @ Sam Perkins @ | |
| 8| S || died @ 1836 | * * * * * |
| 9| G || very mutch hot @ | |
|10| M || @ @ Sam Perkins | |
|11| T || @ waz @ a @ pharo @ | I am allwuss more than haff |
|12| W || -][- dealer :--: | afraid ov the man, who kant talk |
|13| T || | 5 minnitts with me, on enny subjekt,|
|14| F || @ @ heat hottens | without expressing grate |
|15| S || @ ¶ @ @ | anxiety about my soul. |
|16| G || snakes ~ hav cum | |
|17| M || @ @ it rains @ @ | * * * * * |
|18| T || Ward Beecher | |
|19| W || @ iz a preecher @ | |
|20| T || @ @ expekt @ | Go slo yung man, if yu tap |
|21| F || thunder @ @ @ | both ends ov yure cider barrell |
|22| S || @ ~ @ musketore | at once, and draw out ov the |
|23| G || @ perforate @ @ | bung hole besides; yure cider |
|24| M || hotly @ ¶ cheuing | aint a going to hold out long. |
|25| T || gum @ diskovered | |
|26| W || @ @ 1596 @ @ | |
|27| T || Adam waz our @ | * * * * * |
|28| F || @ @ @ beginning | |
|29| S || @ mutch § hot @ | Eat hash washing days, and be |
|30| G || 3 cheers ß @ @ | thankfull for it, even if yu hav |
|31| M || @ @ @ for Adam | to shut both eyes to do it. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE PEACH._
Peaches and kream will convert enny man who iz worth saving. The peach
haz a doun on them, like the doun on a maiden's cheek, but it aint haff
so plezant to git onto the lips. Peach brandy iz made out ov the peach,
this licker haz been called mellow, but like all other licker that i hav
tried, it will lay out a saint, just az flatt az it will a sinner. The
fakt ov it iz, thare aint no kind ov ardent rum, i dont kare how
artless, and gentle the name ov it iz, or how ritch, and mello yu may
call it, but what will throw him who wrassells with it, be he phool, or
be he philospher. Thare iz only one piece ov humanity that kan stand
ardent speerits, and he iz an injun, and he kant stand it, only just
long enuff to git civilized. When peach brandy is fust made it iz az hot
az a streak ov litening, and just about az sudden. I once drank a tea
spoon full ov it warm from the still, and it waz 20 minnitts be fore i
could draw a long breath. I waz az hot inside az a chimney on fire. I
thought it would brake out and blaze sum whare, but it didn't happen to.
_DIGEST._
I konsider all profeshions that are honest, honorabell enuff, but i hav
thought, that a travelling korn doktor, waz the last one i should adopt,
just for the sake ov glory.
* * * * *
Thare iz one thing about a mule that i allwuss did like, the minnitt
that you begin to flatter them, then they begin to kik.
31 Days. AUGUST. 1876.
Q.--Define dispepshy. @ @ @
A.--Nightmare ov the stummuk.
[Illustration]
_John bought next a kord of hard wood,
And sawed like a man on a bet,
It bent him dubble,--if it hadn't,--
John would have sawed at it yet._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _QUEEN BEES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || Mutch warm @ @ | He who aims at perfekshun |
| 2| W || @ now consume | will probably miss the mark, but |
| 3| T || @ juleps @ @ @ | he who aims at nothing, iz sure |
| 4| F || thunder showers | to hit it every time. |
| 5| S || Pete Larkins @ | |
| 6| G || @ absconds 1741 | * * * * * |
| 7| M || @ .: @ @ | |
| 8| T || @ immense heat @ | |
| 9| W || now @ @ @ @ | The man who haz been waiting |
|10| T || [ ¶ ] : : pik geese | for the last 15 years, for sumthing |
|11| F || @ more hotter @ | to turn up, iz to work on the |
|12| S || Eve waz our (!) | same job yet. |
|13| G || @ @ fust mother | |
|14| M || @ less @ hot @ | |
|15| T || fleas are here @ @ | * * * * |
|16| W || @ @ @ big rain | |
|17| T || pills diskovered 436 | I had a grate deal rather be |
|18| F || @ hot @ seems @ | told that a man is virteuous, and |
|19| S || | morely | | honest, than to hear that hiz |
|20| G || now snatch @ @ | father is a member ov congress, |
|21| M || @ @ @ doun oats | or even that hiz grandfather, fit |
|22| T || thunder @ @ and | into the revolushun. |
|23| W || @ @ @ litening @ | |
|24| T || Ben Franklin @ @ | |
|25| F || @ @ @ waz a @ | * * * * * |
|26| S || S¡p¡e¡n¡d¡t¡h¡r¡i¡f¡t | |
|27| G || expekt @ flies | Men sumtimes hav doubts about |
|28| M || Judas Iskariott @ | their religion, and even honesty, |
|29| T || @ waz a @ @ @ | but i never met one who doubted |
|30| W || @ @ @ failure | his shrewdness. |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE BUMBLE BEE._
The bumble bee iz a kind ov big fly who goes muttering, and swareing
around the lots, during the summer, looking after little boys to sting
them, and stealing hunny out ov the dandylions, and thissells. He iz mad
all the time about sumthing, and dont seem to kare a kuss what people
think ov him. A skool boy will studdy harder enny time to find a bumble
bees nest than he will to git hiz lesson in arithmetik, and when he haz
found it, and got the hunny out ov it, and got badly stung into the
bargin, he finds thare aint mutch margin in it. Next to poor mollassis,
bumble bee hunny iz the poorest kind ov sweetmeats in market. Bumble
bees hav allwuss been in fashion, and probably allwuss will be, but
whare the fun, or proffit lays in them, i never could cypher out. The
proffit dont seem to be in the hunny, nor in the bumble bee neither.
They bild their nest in the ground, or enny whare else they take a
noshun too, and aint afrade to fite a whole distrikt skool, if they
meddle with them. I dont blame the bumble bee, nor enny other fellow,
for defending hiz sugar, it iz the fust, and last Law ov natur, and i
hope the law wont never run out. The smartest thing about the bumble bee
iz their stinger.
_DISCUSS._
Mice very seldum cum out ov a hole that iz clussly watched.
* * * * *
I fully beleave in ghosts, but I never herd yet ov two persons seeing
the same ghost, at the same time.
30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1876.
Q.--Define thunder. @ @ @
A.--Lightning on a bust. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_John's minister called on him now,
His case exciting alarm,
The good man sed,_ "John is all right,"
_Only go to work on a farm._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _UPPER KRUSTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ Mildly @ @ | The gratest bores in the world |
| 2| S || now @ @ crickets | are those who are eternally trieing |
| 3| G || simmer @ soft @ @ | to prove to yu that 2, and 2, |
| 4| M || @ Fred Johnsing | allwuss makes 4. |
| 5| T || deceased @ @ @ | |
| 6| W || @ @ wind east | |
| 7| T || Johnsing waz @ @ | * * * * * |
| 8| F || @ a barber @ | |
| 9| S || now lift @ @ | |
|10| G || onions @ warm | One ov the simplest ways to |
|11| M || @ @ rane @ @ | try menny men's faith iz, to ask |
|12| T || Chapin @ iz @ a | them to subskribe for fixing up |
|13| W || p*r*e*a*c*h*e*r | the meeting house. |
|14| T || @ : mild : @ | |
|15| F || @ September @ | |
|16| S || now the cuckoo | * * * * * |
|17| G || @ @ @ hollers | |
|18| M || expekt showers @ | |
|19| T || @ @ Sim Darling | Free luv is the science ov luveing |
|20| W || born 1492 * ~ @ | sumboddy else's wife more |
|21| T || @ @ @ "si quod | than yu do yure own, and trieing |
|22| F || infantum" @ @ | to preserve a good average,--it |
|23| S || @ much pleasant | kant be did. |
|24| G || now the lamb @ | |
|25| M || @ @ bleats @ @ | * * * * * |
|26| T || @ sweet @ weather | |
|27| W || giv us your hand | |
|28| T || @ stranger @ | Stealing is the oldest sin on |
|29| F || @ @ for 90 days | rekord,--stealing apples. |
|30| S || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE YELLO JACKET._
The yello jacket iz ov the wasp purswashun, and iz about one size
smaller than the common blak hornet, and iz az mutch hotter, in hiz
coolest moments, than enny other bug, az jersey litening iz hotter than
ice kream. They are the most krewel fighters in existence, and will hit
a man, or beast, four times in a seckond, in the same spot. They are az
yello az gold, and when they are good mad, they blaze like a kandle.
When a yello jacket gits mad all the way through, he will fite a brush
heap on fire, just az quick az he will a mile stun. I hav seen them
pitch on to each other, and having killed their man, close up the fite
by stinging themselfs to death. Dont go near a yellow jacket's nest in
the month of August, unless yure life iz insured, not even a hard shell
Baptist, or a missionary, would be safe in that naborhood. They kant
tell a friend from a foe, and I think would sting a potash kittle, a
dozen times, and not mistrust it waz iron. They make homes for themselfs
out in the lots amungst the ploughed ground, and i hav seen them bile
out ov their nests like a distrikt skool let out for noon, or a
smothered fire, and pitching into the oxen, farmer, and plough, drive
the whole party, on the jump, off from the premises.
_EMBRACE._
Most men are like vinegar, the older they gro, the sourer they git.
* * * * *
Lazy men, and black ants, are allwuss hunting for a job.
[Illustration]
Thare iz no phun in gitting kikt bi a mule, but thare iz lots ov
phun in knowing that he kant do it agin.=
How is this, Josh Billings
[Illustration]
Falling in luv, iz like falling down stairs.--we never kan tell
exackly how the thing waz did.=
In haste, Josh Billings
31 Days. OCTOBER. 1876.
Q.--Deskribe old maids. @ @ @
A.--Embers from which the sparks hav fled.
[Illustration]
_Our hero soon found out a place,
With a farmer, kind hearted indeed,
Who let him ho corn for nothing,
And only charged John for his feed._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _MORNING STARS._* |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ @ @ Jack | Seckond luv, iz like a seckond |
| 2| M || Frosty @ @ @ | case ov the measles, the pashunt |
| 3| T || @ now @ hunt @ | iz sure to allwuss hav it light. |
| 4| W || butternuts @ @@ | |
| 5| T || @ cool but wet @ | |
| 6| F || John Bunyan @ | * * * * * |
| 7| S || @ @ waz a pilgrim | |
| 8| G || @ more cool @ | |
| 9| M || now trap @ @ | Yu kant hire a man to be honest, |
|10| T || @ @ for rats @ | if yer do, he will want his |
|11| W || @ wind northy @ | wages raised every morning. |
|12| T || apple sass@ @ @ | |
|13| F || @ @ invented 986 | |
|14| S || wet but cool @ @ | * * * * * |
|15| G || @ @ @ now jerk | |
|16| M || turnips @ @ @ | |
|17| T || @ @ more @ | Thare iz a grate deal ov religion |
|18| W || moistly @ @ @ | in this world that iz like a life |
|19| T || sun in @ apogee | preserver, only put on at the |
|20| F || @ frosty now @ | moment ov extreme danger, and |
|21| S || @ destroy @ early @ | then half the time put on hind |
|22| G || @ pork @ | side before. |
|23| M || sum snow @ @ | |
|24| T || @ @ Dan Barker | |
|25| W || kikt the bucket @ | * * * * * |
|26| T || @ 1691 @ @ | |
|27| F || koldy @ now | |
|28| S || smash @ wood @ | Most people are like an egg, |
|29| G || muskeeters skarse* | too full of themselves to hold |
|30| M || | enny more. |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE YANKEE PEDLAR._