less tangle leg, in a quart ov it, than good, old 1776, Egg Nogg. Our
grand dads drank it fluently, and thankt the Lord, az it meandered sloly
down their thruts. It iz bilt out ov sider, and fresh egg, and iz az
phull ov fun, and innosense, az a kittens tail. Enny man who haz moral
skruples about drinking a glass ov fresh made egg nogg, had better git
hiz morality insured aginst acksidents at once, for he iz in danger ov
having hiz morality kompletely eradikated from the face ov the earth.
Morality that kant stand egg nogg, iz a weak sister. I luv egg nogg, and
hope i allwuss shall. I kant tell yu now when egg nogg waz fust
diskovered, nor who the lucky kritter waz who fust found it out, but i
would giv 15 dollars at least to know that it waz one ov mi ansesstors.
I am orphull proud ov the anshunt Billing'es and enny glory that
fluktuates around them, kind ov circumambiates around me. This may look
like weakness in me, but it iz natur, and i dont beleav in allwuss
snubbing natur. I say let yure natur kind ov go it, onst in a while.
_SUM OPINYUNS._
Mi experience in life thus far haz been, that 7, wont go into 5, and hav
mutch ov ennything left over.
* * * * *
I hav herd lies so well told that a man would allmost be a phool not to
beleave them.
31 Days. AUGUST. 1875.
Q.--What's yure favourite perfume? @ @ @
A.--Modesty. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_At liberty now out they skamper,
But before their days work they renew,
Our hero remarks to hiz rival,
"Tommorow, I'll take kare ov yu."_
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _CARNASHUNS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || Big heat @ now | |
| 2| M || @ hunt Ω for cool | When the vice and virtew in a |
| 3| T || places @ thunder @ | man iz about haff and haff, he |
| 4| W || @ and litening Ω | wants az mutch cluss watching az |
| 5| T || mixt @ salamanders | a bile duz when it iz cumming to |
| 6| F || @:@ diskovered 849 | a hed. |
| 7| S || heat waxes @ Ω | |
| 8| G || @ in Adam's sin @ | |
| 9| M || @ we all jined in @ | * * * * * |
|10| T || expekt sudden @ @ | |
|11| W || Σ Ψ rain about | We are allwuss sure to think |
|12| T || | just az other pholks do, provided |
|13| F || theze daze Ψ @ | they think just az we do. |
|14| S || Phil Sherman @ @ | |
|15| G || @ @ born 1756 | |
|16| M || @ @ @ heat | |
|17| T || grows Σ Ω Ψ | * * * * * |
|18| W || @ Σ heaty Ψ @ | |
|19| T || Phil Sherman @ @ | |
|20| F || @ @ @ waz a | |
|21| S || hard-shell Ψ Σ | Make yureself necessary yung |
|22| G || @ babtist @ | man, and yure suckcess iz sertain. |
|23| M || Σ whew ! Ψ | |
|24| T || how @ @ @ | |
|25| W || @ @ @ hot | |
|26| T || it am @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|27| F || @ @ now @ @ | |
|28| S || dig @ @ @ | |
|29| G || @ @ @ for ice | Everyboddy applauds a virtewous |
|30| M || bileing @ @ @ | ackshun, even the Devil himself |
|31| T || @ @ hot @ @ | admires it. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_FAITH._
Faith iz the right bower ov hope. If it want for faith thare would be no
living in this world, we couldn't even eat hash with enny safety. Human
knolledge iz very short, and dont reach but a little ways, and even that
little ways iz twilite, but faith lightens up the road, so that we kan
see to read the letterings on the mile stuns az we travel. Faith has won
more viktorys than all the other pashuns ov the harte put together, for
faith iz one ov them kind ov warriors that dont kno when she is whipt.
But faith iz no milk sop, but a live fighter, she dont set down and gro
stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes,
but she is the heroine ov a forlorn hope. I think now if i couldn't hav
but one ov the moral attributes i would take it all in Faith, and tho i
mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung
the various kinds ov dri bones that iz lieing around loose in the world.
Faith haz allwus been one ov the best holts ov the Billings family, from
the daze ov Noah, down to now.
_HOW IZ THIS?_
Experience ackts on sum pholks vitals just az it duz on a bull tarrier,
he dont fairly git over one whipping before he begins to look around for
another.
* * * * *
The vulgar allwuss notiss everything they see.
[Illustration]
The monkey iz one ov our poor relashuns, and skratches
hiz hed az natral az a skool boy duz,--and probably for simular
reazons.=
Funny, aint it, Josh Billings
[Illustration]
Thare may cum a time, when the Lion, and the Lam will lie
down together,--i shall be az glad to see it az enny boddy,--but i am
still betting on the Lion.=
Truly, Josh Billings.
30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1875.
Q.--What's yure favourite amuzement? @ @ @
A.--Sleeping. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_He meets with a smooth faced old villain,
Who ov a bad stamp would git free,
But the boy twiddles hiz fingers, and sez,
"Yu kant kum that ere over me."_
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _SWEET WILLIAMS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || @ @ Mild @ Ω | |
| 2| T || and slik @ Ω @ § | Bashfullness iz often like the |
| 3| F || Zip Coon @ [§] | plating on spoons, when it wears |
| 4| S || @ @ died 1822 | off, it shows the brass. |
| 5| G || @ tender @ @ | |
| 6| M || winds @ @ @ | |
| 7| T || @ Ψ Zip waz | * * * * * |
| 8| W || a coloured @ @ | |
| 9| T || §.*.@ brother Ψ | Lerning pays a better interest |
|10| F || mello rain Ψ Ω | than munny duz, besides the |
|11| S || @ @ put not yure | prinsipal never gits lost. |
|12| G || trust in Ψ @ | |
|13| M || | |
|14| T || @ @ members ov | * * * * * |
|15| W || @ @ the legislatur | |
|16| T || more mello @ Ω | |
|17| F || rain @ @ now | Abuv all things, lern yure child |
|18| S || @ consume @ | to be honest and industrious; if |
|19| G || @ @ @ oysters | theze two things dont enable him |
|20| M || perhaps rain, Ψ @ | to make a figger in this world, he |
|21| T || @ @ perhaps not | iz only a cypher, and never waz |
|22| W || go slo @ @ @ | intended for a figger. |
|23| T || @ expekt frost @ | |
|24| F || @ @ now hunt | |
|25| S || for fleas @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|26| G || @ @ frost last @ @ | |
|27| M || night @ @ @ | |
|28| T || @ fleas are quicker | It iz so natral to phind fault, |
|29| W || than a ghost @ @ | that i wonder we are ever suited |
|30| T || Ψ mild, but butiful | with ennything. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_EKONEMY._
Ekonemy iz the art ov allwuss gitting the worth ov yure munny, and
gitting the right change bak, and it iz also the art ov making 10 cents,
once in a while, go az fur az a shilling. It iz like an ear fur musik,
it has got to be born the same time yu are, or not at all. Yu kant larn
an extravagant person to be ekonomikal enny more than yu kan learn a
muskeeter to quit eating, when he haz got enuff. Thiz iz funny, but it
iz too true to laff at. Ekonemy iz the mother-in-law ov Prosperity, and
she iz one ov them kind ov mother-in-laws that never made enny
disturbanse in the family. Ekonemy haz made more munny in this world
than spekulashun ever haz, and thare iz another thing about it, she
allwuss hangs on to it. Thare iz only one trubble about ekonemy, it
sumtimes runs into avarice, and then all itz buty iz destroyed. It iz
better to be a spendthrift, than a mizer. The Billings family hav
allwuss bin noticed in history for their ekonemy. Jericho Billings, one
ov our primevals, kept the same pair ov boots 26 years, but he wore out
9 souls, and 5 pairs ov upper leathers in the meantime.
_HARK!_
Cunning men are like a hand saw,--they only hav teeth on one side ov
them.
* * * * *
Next in point ov meanness, to doing a man an injury, iz to do him a
favour, and every now, and then, remind him ov it.
31 Days. OCTOBER. 1875.
Q.--Who's yure favourite painters? @ @ @
A.--Sunrize and sunset. § @ @
[Illustration]
_Having sold out hiz papers, our hero,
To some cheap hash hous skampers away,
And after he calls for hiz luncheon,
He reckons his gains for the day._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _DAISYS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @§@ October haz ::: | |
| 2| S || @ 31 days @ | It waz a wize phello who put |
| 3| G || and @ @ nights | on hiz spektickles when he et |
| 4| M || @ stiff weather @ | strawberrys, it made a pint go az |
| 5| T || now mutilate @ @ | fur az a quart. |
| 6| W || @ @ apples for sider | |
| 7| T || @ sharp @ frost @ | |
| 8| F || about @ now @ @ | * * * * * |
| 9| S || @ @ Fred Simmons | |
|10| G || @ born @ 1694 @ | |
|11| M || leaves fall @ @ Ω | To lie about a man never hurts |
|12| T || @ @ Fred Simmons | him, but to tell the truth about |
|13| W || | him sumtimes duz. |
|14| T || played the @ @ @ | |
|15| F || @ @ bass drum | |
|16| S || expekt @ @ § | |
|17| G || @ @ @ @ sno | * * * * * |
|18| M || @ @ now @ | |
|19| T || slaughter @ @ | |
|20| W || @ @ cockroaches | |
|21| T || kondem @ @ @ | When the weather fair iz everyboddy |
|22| F || @ chilly @ | haz got an umbreller to |
|23| S || man iz @ @ | lend. |
|24| G || @ @ mortal @ | |
|25| M || sighns @ @ @ | |
|26| T || @ @ ov @ @ | * * * * * |
|27| W || @ @ winter | |
|28| T || the bull @ @ | |
|29| F || @ frog iz hush @ | The man who seeks temtashun |
|30| S || pear @ apples @ | must either be an angell or a |
|31| G || @ @ @ nites @ | phool,--probably a phool. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HAM, AND EGG._
Thare are certain things in this world that seem just az tho they waz
born for each other, and ham, and egg, are two ov them things. Altho
they cum from quite different lokalitys, they must be twins, for they
are so often seen together. If i kan hav all the ham, and egg i want,
kodphish bawls may tak a bak seat for the present. Vittles and drink hav
allwuss been a staple artikle with human natur, and when they play out,
i am reddy to quit. Sum pholks are so etherial that they kan liv on the
smell ov biled kabbage, but i must hav a chunk ov the kabbage. Pholks
may talk about ambrozial nektar az mutch az they pleze, they kant phool
me with enny ov thoze kind ov essences, for i hav lived just long enuff
to find out, that the best ov society, hav got to hav their biled
vittles, kind ov reglar, even if they tak them on the sli, or they will
soon peg out. Natur is natur, and she will hav her ham, and egg. Natur
iz a little raw once in a while, but she allwuss stands up for her
rights, and tho yu may defraud her, yu kant kompromise with her. Ham,
and egg, was a bevarage long before Noahs freshet.
_TAKE NOTISS._
Good breeding makes all kondishuns ov life equal.
* * * * *
Anger allwus hurts us more than it duz the other phellow which we git
mad at.
30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1875.
Q.--What's yure idea ov happiness? @ @ @
A.--Tite gluvs, and eazy boots. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_After greedily eatin his luncheon,
He lies bak and snoozes a bit,
And when nite cums you'll find him enjoying,
A seat in the Bowery pit._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _SNO DROPS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || !!!! Winter howls | |
| 2| T || let her @ @ | Gossip iz more ketching than |
| 3| W || @ @ howl @ | the meazles iz. |
| 4| T || @ who @ kares | |
| 5| F || grate sno @ @ | |
| 6| S || @ Mrs. Stebbins | * * * * * |
| 7| G || died 11 @ @ | |
| 8| M || @ @ bitter | The covetous man iz like a |
| 9| T || kold @ @ @ | sponge, it takes in all the moistur |
|10| W || @ Mrs. Stebbins | that cums near it, but lets |
|11| T || took snuff @ @ | out none until it iz squeezed. |
|12| F || | |
|13| S || @ @ @ 62 years | |
|14| G || more kold @ @ | * * * * * |
|15| M || @ now mastikate | |
|16| T || @ slapjax @ @ | |
|17| W || it freezes @ when | Thare iz a grate menny ginger-pop |
|18| T || @ the kat iz @ @ | people in this world, after |
|19| F || away, the mice @ | they hav bin uncorked a fu minnitts,|
|20| S || will play @ ground | they git to be dredphul |
|21| G || froze up @ @ | flatt. |
|22| M || now hire @ @ | |
|23| T || @ & skool moms | |
|24| W || @ sno a @ @ | * * * * * |
|25| T || foot deep @ @ | |
|26| F || @ @ @ babes in | The quickest way to take the |
|27| S || the woods @ @ | starch out ov a man who iz allwuss |
|28| G || @ @ lost 1614 | blameing himself, iz to agree |
|29| M || winter iz @ @ @ | with him, this aint what he iz |
|30| T || @ @ here @ @ | looking for. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE PISSMIRE._
The pissmire iz a blak bugg about 23 times az big az the ant, and az
phull ov important bizzness az the chairman ov a wimmins rights
convenshun. They hav thirteen konsekutive leggs on each side ov their
boddys, and allwuss travel on the run. They are like sum men, ever
hunting for sumthing to do, but never was known to find it. I hav seen
them travel for two hours, bakwards, and forwards, and not git 3 feet
from whare they started from, stopping every now and then to listen. The
pissmire iz the loafer amung bugs, and like other loafers, livs from
hand to mouth. Their home iz a hole in the ground, but call on them az
often az yu pleze, yu will never find them in. They git up late, and go
to bed late, and are allwuss hungry, and hollow. They are az lazy az
mollassis in the month ov Febuary, and az useless az an extra dog in a
family. Pissmires are a poor speculashun, i wouldn't giv 50 cents for
the whole krop.
_REFLECKSHUNS._
If yu are going to giv a man enny thing giv it to him cheerfully, and
quick, dont make him git down on hiz kneeze in front ov yu, and listen
to the 10 commandments, and then yu giv him 5 cents.
* * * * *
The man who is allwuss confessing hiz sins, and never quitting them, iz
the most onsartin sinner i kno ov.
31 Days. DECEMBER. 1875.
Q.--Who's yure favourite heroine in romanse? @ @
A.--Old Mother Hubbard. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_When the sensashun drama is ended,
Our hero remembers with pain,
That the plezzures ov life are but fleeting,
And he goes for hiz koal box again._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billing's Log._ | _TIGER LILYS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || @@@ December @ | |
| 2| T || hath 31 daze @ @ | Thare iz in sum men a grate |
| 3| F || @ @ sum kold @ @ | deal ov humor, that iz like the |
| 4| S || now arouze @ @ | frolik in a puppy, dont mean |
| 5| G || @ @ @ fires | ennything in purtikular. |
| 6| M || merkury 10 belo @ | |
| 7| T || @ a spri sixpence | |
| 8| W || @ iz better than @ | * * * * * |
| 9| T || a @ lazy Ω dime | |
|10| F || immense sno @ @ | |
|11| S || @ @ now pay | Thare iz nothing we are more |
|12| G || the printer @ @ | apt to parade before others, than |
|13| M || | our kares and sorrows, and thare |
|14| T || @ Sister Perkins @ | iz nothing the world kares so little|
|15| W || born 1500 @ @ | about. |
|16| T || more @ @ @ | |
|17| F || @ koldness @ | |
|18| S || Sister Perkins @ | |
|19| G || @ waz a femail @ | * * * * * |
|20| M || lekturer @ kold | |
|21| T || @ increases @ | |
|22| W || Sister Perkins @ | |
|23| T || lektured ¶ her @ | Reason often makes mistakes, |
|24| F || @ husband nites @ | but conshience never duz. |
|25| S || dreary winter @ @ | |
|26| G || @ @ @ iz here | |
|27| M || farewell my @ @ | |
|28| T || @ @ darlings @ | * * * * * |
|29| W || look for @ @ | |
|30| T || @ (!) me next | |
|31| F || year @ @@ @ | A blush kant be kounterfited. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_WHAT THE PAPERS THINK._
Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" has come again, it is as welcome, and
genial, as dew to the parched earth.--_London Speckletator._
* * * * *
It is joy for the fireside, it is rest for the weary.--_Newburyport
Guardian._
* * * * *
Fresher, fairer, more fertile, and funny than ever, may its sweet face
look in upon us for all time, delightfull Josh Billings' "Allminax,"
record of the past, bright promise of the future.--_Savannah Amarinth._
* * * * *
How crisp! how tart!--_London Queen._
* * * * *
Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" is a bright jewel in the current
literature of the day.--_Louisville Dispatch._
* * * * *
Bless the dear little waif, we love it, and who shall chide us for
loveing!--_Lady's Journal._
* * * * *
We have received Mr. Joshua Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" for 1876, and
shall notice its contents at our very earliest convenience.--_Edinburgh
Review._
* * * * *
It's a square deal, chuncky and smart.--_Texas Blade._
_LATEST NUZE._
Dik Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew
pass a counterfit omnibuss, on a 50 cent driver, ov the 23' street line
ov stages. Held for examinashun.
* * * * *
It iz sed (but not offishall) that Mr. & Mrs. Punchinello will not visit
the white mountains next season. Their dauter Betsey Punchinello iz sed
tew be engaged to the Baron Von Chalk, and the family will enter
seklushun on this ackount.
* * * * *
A writer in Blackwood's magazine estimates that thare haint been, in
all, over 200 fleas killed since the flood.
* * * * *
_On dit_, that Dick Manchester haz quit the 3 kard monte bizzness, and
iz starring it legitimately, at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.
* * * * *
We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. & Mrs. David
Jibboom, their respektibility iz now fully established, having appeared
on the avenew with a two hoss carriage, and a slitely coloured driver,
with a velvet hat band, and two rows of brass buttons.
* * * * *
The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.
* * * * *
Matilda O'Brigham, four days in her last place, with a karakter, will
receive proposals at her residence in makrel row. No objekshuns to going
into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady provided
suitable references are given. Lessons on the piano will be taken
instead ov the usual presents expekted from the family.
_THE DONKEY._
I hav watched the donkey with a grate deal ov pashunt anxiety. They are
about 3 foot hi, and sumthing like three foot six inches lengthwize.
They hav a normal appetight, and will eat all the time, and more too.
They aint partikular about their vittles, and will tri hard to swallo a
hoss shu, but they kant do it. The donkey iz one ov naturs jokes, a sort
ov pun on a horse, which i could never see the point to. They are az
sett in their ways, az a gate post, and are the only live things that
are too mutch for a klub. They will stand more pounding than a sheaf ov
wet oats, without shelling out. The donkey haz 2 ears, and only 1 tale,
and the ears are to the rest ov their boddy, like two steeples to a
church. The donkey iz a sober, and misterious kuss. Fairwell yu sad, and
thinking kritter, i may never again rite yure memoirs, but whether I
dont, or do, I shall allways respekt yu, az a donkey, that's all. Az a
cluss studdy, the donkey iz az full ov interest, az a mile stun, with
the letterings all worn oph. Donkeys will liv forever, or thareabouts,
and retain their buty, and intelligence to the last. Adew you graven
image, you solid one, adew!
_PONDER._
To lie about a man never hurts him, but to tell the truth about him
sumtimes duz.
* * * * *
I think it iz good taste, and also good judgement, when a man prays for
the sins ov the people, that he should count himself in.
[Illustration]
I hav known men so pious that when they went out a
fishing on Sunday, they allwuss prayed for good luk
a fakt, Josh Billings
[Illustration]
The fly is a friendly kritter, tho i never see him the
wuss for liquor,--but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal
the wuss for flys.
Jess so Josh Billings
31 Days. JANUARY. 1876.
Q.--Who iz the meanest man? @ @ @
A.--He who peeks thru a key hole. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_John Simpson waz a bachelor,
Ov forty, perhaps ov forty-three,
With the dispepshy onto him,
Wuss than enny man yu ever see._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _STROKE OARS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ Mutch kold @ | |
| 2| G || mares nest @ | Pashunce iz a good thing for a |
| 3| M || diskovered 1810 § | man to hav, but when he haz got |
| 4| T || @ now keep cool @ | so mutch ov it, that he kan fish |
| 5| W || @ @ Ben Butler | all day, over the side of a boat, |
| 6| T || iz a lawyer @ @ | without enny bait on hiz hook, |
| 7| F || @ less koldly @ | lazyness iz what's the matter ov |
| 8| S || sarch *** for Ω | him. |
| 9| G || @ ice @ expekt | |
|10| M || @ sum @ @ | |
|11| T || inkrease Ω Σ ov | * * * * * |
|12| W || | |
|13| T || @ weather § * § | Pills will sumtimes refuze to |
|14| F || Flora Temple @ | akt on the liver, but sawing wood |
|15| S || ¶ × could + | never will. |
|16| G || trot fast @ § @ | |
|17| M || @ more koldfull ! | |
|18| T || Job Perkins @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| W || @ * kreated * @ | |
|20| T || @ @ 1264 × (@) | When i waz 20 i knew twice az |
|21| F || kold rather @ ¶ | mutch az i do now, and the way |
|22| S || @ @ waxes | things are going on, if i should |
|23| G || @ @ Job @ @ | liv to be 75, i dont expekt to kno |
|24| M || Perkins @ @ Ψ | nothing. |
|25| T || @ @ @ loved @ | |
|26| W || onions @ ¶ | |
|27| T || @!! now is the !!@ | * * * * * |
|28| F || winter ov @ Σ | |
|29| S || @ @ our diskontent | Thare iz no radikal kure for |
|30| G || @ @ examine *|* | lazyness, but starvashun will cum |
|31| M || @ + yure geese | the nearest to it. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE VEGATABEL BITTERS MAN._
Whenever a man gits ded broke, and kant think ov nothing to raze a
breeze with, and hiz uncle wont hav him boarding at hiz house enny more,
and the heels ov hiz boots hav knawed the bottom ov his pantaloons all
off, he takes rubarb root, and a fu katnip blossoms, and sum tan bark,
and sokes them for 14 hours in sum cheap whiskey, and goes hedlong into
the liver renovating bizzness. He plasters every fence, saw mill log,
stun wall, and cow's back, from Portland Maine to Stockton Californy,
with red, and yello hand bills, offering to heal the halt, make the
blind talk, and the deaf see, and renew the inside, and outside, ov all
kreashun, for a dollar and twenty five cents a bottle. He takes rooms at
sum fust klass hotel, drives 8 in hand, and never iz seen, only on the
jump. He iz az full ov bizzness az a deputy superintendant ov a Sunday
skool, on a piknik day, and call on him when yu will, to kollekt yure
little bill ov 7 dollars, he haz just left for Baltimore, or wont be
home from Nu Orleans, untill week after next. Theze men are not all ov
them unskrupulous, they are kunning kritters, who hav found out, that
mankind to be happy, must be cheated.
_PAUZE._
It iz the prudes in this world that need the most watching, coquets are
too kareless to be dangerous.
* * * * *
Most men are like a hop vine, if they dont hav sum kind ov a pole to
klimb, and then stik to it, they wont promulgate mutch hops.
29 Days. FEBRUARY. 1876.
Q.--Please define old bachelors. @ @ @ @
A.--Pickled Krabs. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Sum friend told John to travel,
Twelve miles on the jump each day,
Before he et enny brekfasst,
And not loiter upon the way._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _FIGGER HEDS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || Dern kold @ the | |
| 2| W || kockroach haz no | Kats are very humble, espeshily |
| 3| T || sting @ prepare | just after they hav committed |
| 4| F || for more @@@ | sum nu kind ov deviltry. |
| 5| S || @ @ weather | |
| 6| G || Bonaparte fit @--@ | * * * * * |
| 7| M || § for a living :@: | |
| 8| T || sighns * ov * wind | The man who iz allwuss trieing |
| 9| W || now sing sams | to kreate a sensashun, will git so |
|10| T || Jake @@ Turner | pretty soon, that he kant kreate |
|11| F || departed @ 1830 | even a disturbance. |
|12| S || | |
|13| G || Ω ω snowy @@@ | |
|14| M || Jake Turner Ψ Σ | * * * * * |
|15| T || !-?-! waz a @@ | |
|16| W || c-o-n-s-t-a-b-l-e | If yu want to git a fust klass |
|17| T || @it duz § snow@ | situashun in sum alms house, |
|18| F || @ @ now | giv all yure property to yure |
|19| S || slay hogs :(): | children before yu die. |
|20| G || @ [] for pork | |
|21| M || lessly --!!-- cold | |
|22| T || Washington @ | * * * * * |
|23| W || @ [::] could §@@§ | |
|24| T || @ not lie @ wind | |
|25| F || more fluktuous | Thare's lots ov men in this |
|26| S || expekt visitors @ | world that are like a rooster, |
|27| G || @ snow-squally | take the cockade, and spurs off |
|28| M || now munch @@@ | from them, and yu couldn't hardly |
|29| T || @ Ω @ slapjax | tell them from a hen. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE KROW._