|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KOLD KUTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ Bitter kold @ @ | The more humble a man iz |
| 2| W || a thing ov buty @ | before God, the more he will be |
| 3| T || @ iz a joy forever | exalted,--the more humble he iz |
| 4| F || thundring kold @ | before men, the more he will git |
| 5| S || @ @ @ if yu must | rode ruff shod. |
| 6| G || drink hot @ @ | |
| 7| M || @ rum @ do it now | * * * * * |
| 8| T || jehosiphat kold @ | |
| 9| W || @ now distruckshun | The only really natral thing |
|10| T || @ @ wood @ slam | thare iz about enny man, iz hiz |
|11| F || bang kold @ @ | conshunce. |
|12| S || Job Stearns | |
|13| G || @ @ @ born 1500 | * * * * * |
|14| M || indefatigabel kold | |
|15| T || Job Stearns @ @ | Enuff good luk will ruin enny |
|16| W || @ waz an @ | man. |
|17| T || @ itinerant @ @ @ | |
|18| F || ompompanoosuck | * * * * * |
|19| S || @ kold @ Job @ | |
|20| G || itinerated @ @ @ | Whare thare iz one man obstinate |
|21| M || @ tin ware | bekauze he iz wize, thare iz |
|22| T || sno phawls @ now | 4,695,853 obstinate bekauze they |
|23| W || stir up @ @ @ | are ignorant. |
|24| T || @ @ yure goose | |
|25| F || unimpeachible kold | * * * * * |
|26| S || @ roosters freeze @ | |
|27| G ||yures, with sparkling | Trust in God first, yure nabor |
|28| M || @ hopes--Josh | next, and yureself last.--AMEN. |
|29| T || Billings @ | |
|30| W || @ Allminacker @ | |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HEAR THE PAPERS TALK!_
We would rather be the author of Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for
1875, than be elected captain of a malitia company.
_Coonhollow Demokrat._
* * * * *
Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the year 1875, is just hatched out;
it is like a Thanksgiving pudding, full of rich things; buy it, and set
down in a corner, and read, and be happy once, if you never are again.
_Boston Pilgrim._
* * * * *
We have a copy of Josh Billings' Allminax on tap, and draw sweet liquor
from it each hour; no man can buy our copy, no man can borrow it, and he
who steals it, will finally die.
_New Orleans Budget._
* * * * *
Saw my right leg off, lift my scalp up, innoculate me with the contents
of a six shooter, if Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875 aint the
bullyest brick the civilized world has ever laid eyes on.
_Texas Daily Bandit._
* * * * *
Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax is once more in our midst; like an
oyster on the half shell, it can be took standing, sitting down, or on
the run.
_Lowell Examiner._
_PRIVATE OPINYUNS OV JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX._
"A pearl ov grate price."
_Deakon Mozes Mills._
* * * * *
"I reckomend this allminax to all persons out ov a job."
_Israel Pugh._
* * * * *
"Az konsise az a kambrik needle."
_E. R. Dunkan._
* * * * *
"This allminax iz az phull ov sharp things az a hedgehog's back."
_Ezra Fisk._
* * * * *
"Az natral in the family, and quite az catching, az the meazles."
_Dokt. J. Munson._
* * * * *
"Oh lud! i never did peruze enny thing haff so mutch like it."
_Widdo Jane Perkins._
* * * * *
"Tis too sweet for enny thing."
_Miss Matilda Ann Brown._
* * * * *
"It iz a lofty produkshun, full ov immense wisdum, graphick delineation,
and koruskating generalitys."
_John Mead, A. M._
_HONESTY_.
Honesty iz like munny, a man haz got to work hard to get it, and then
haz got to work harder to keep it. Honesty iz the best kard in the pak;
it iz allwuss trumps, and thare iz no man big phool enuff but what he
kan play it right every time. Honesty haz been praised more, and
praktised less, than enny ov the virtews, but it stands in need ov no
ones praise, and fears no ones rebuke. Honesty iz all the virtew that a
man needs, and all that an angell haz. Honest men are skarse, and what i
am afrade ov now iz, they are going to be skarser. From Adam's day to
ours, and from now untill the judgement time, an _Honest man_ haz been,
and will be, "_The noblest work of God_." Pope's deskripshun ov an
honest man iz the simplest, and yet the strongest language, that ever
haz been used.
_A KARD_.
A bizzy-body iz like a ritch cheeze,--full ov little things.
* * * * *
When a man aint good for ennything else, he iz just right to sett on a
jury.
[Illustration]
The musketo iz born ov poor but industrious parents,--but
haz in hiz veins, sum ov the best blood in the Country=
Yures for 90 Days. Josh Billings=
[Illustration]
Dont hurry things mi sweet friend. The best time to sett
a hen,--iz when the hen iz reddy.=
Try it--Josh Billings.=
31 Days. JANUARY. 1875.
Q.--What's yure favourite piece ov skulpture? @ @
A.--The mile-stun nearest home. @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Erly the Nuze Boy crawls from hiz koal box,
Tho sno on the hard ground may lay,
And skuds for the nuze paper offiss,
To get his supply for the day._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _MORNIN GLORYS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ @ @ Rather | If i kant hav but two things on |
| 2| S || kold @ @ @ | me that dont pinch, let it be mi |
| 3| G || @ @ pepper sass | shirt kollar, and mi boots. |
| 4| M ||invented 1632 @ @ | |
| 5| T || @ @ @ mutch kold | |
| 6| W || now mangle * @ | * * * * |
| 7| T || @ @ @ wood | |
| 8| F || sighns ov † @ ] | |
| 9| S || @ sno @ @ | Christians seem to fite under |
|10| G || dont pik | | cover, but the devil stands boldly |
|11| M || @ @ geese | out, and dares the world to single |
|12| T || this month @ | kombat. |
|13| W || expekt sum @ | |
|14| T || @ @ weather | |
|15| F || hi tides @ ::: | * * * * |
|16| S || @ now anihilate | |
|17| G || hogs @ ? [!] | |
|18| M || @ @ more :o: | Philosophy iz a kind ov severe |
|19| T || koldly @ * @ | sentinal, who locks up the harte, |
|20| W || @ @ Mike Tower | and throws the key away. |
|21| T || died 1812 @ @ @ | |
|22| F || @ prepare @ | |
|23| S || @ for sno @ @ | * * * * |
|24| G || @ @ @ dont @ | |
|25| M || @ plant enny @ | |
|26| T || corn this month | A thoroly lazy man iz ded enuff |
|27| W ||@ dredphull chilly | to be buried, and his phuneral |
|28| T ||now assassinate @ | ought to be advertized at once. |
|29| F || @ poultry @ go | |
|30| S || to bed arly @ @ | |
|31| G || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_GRIT._
Grit iz a good thing to hav, but yu dont want too mutch ov it. I hav
known folks who had so mutch grit, that they didn't kno when they waz
whipt. This dont pay. I like to see a man who aint afrade to fite a
wind-mill, when she iz in phull blast, but i dont kare to see him do it,
for a wind-mill iz a hard job to thrash, and they dont kno neither when
they hav got enuff. Grit and spunk, are two twins, and their mother iz
Courage, and their father iz Bravery. I have seen grit, and spunk, and
even courage, that didn't hav a bit ov bravery in them. Bravery allwuss
ackts from a principle. Grit may be rite, and may be rong. It aint very
certain, or partiklar whitch. Gritty men aint allwuss luvly, they are
too mutch like sandpaper to handle, allwuss reddy for a skratch. I like
grit in everything, except mi hash, thare iz when i kant bear it. Giv
every man yu meet a good big haff ov the turnpike, but if he insists
upon the whole ov it, the religion ov the Billings family iz to
arbitrate the kase at onst. If a man smotes yu on one cheek, turn him
the other one if yu like, but dont let him smote that. This aint fair.
_ARGUMENTS._
It iz az diffikult to define a sukcess, az it iz to ackount for the
meazles.
* * * * *
Coquets make better wives than Prudes do, but thank the Lord, thare iz
better ones in market than either ov them.
28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1875.
Q.--What's yure opinyun ov Rats? @ @ @
A.--Poor. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now having arrived at the offiss,
He goes in for nonsense, and noize,
And strives to git hold ov hiz papers,
Before the rest ov the boys._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _HELIOTROPES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || Kondem kold @ | When a woman wants ennything, |
| 2| T || @ @ now flies | she wants it with all her |
| 3| W || @ are still @ | strength, and every boddy elses |
| 4| T || snow falls @ @ @ | strength too. |
| 5| F || @ thare iz a @ | |
| 6| S || divinity shapes @ | * * * * |
| 7| G || @ @ @ our ends | |
| 8| M || kold grows @ | Intelekt without judgement iz |
| 9| T || @ @ kolder | what ails about one halff the smart |
|10| W || @ Bill Stevens @ | people in this world. |
|11| T || @ @ @ born 1306 | |
|12| F || now chew slapjax | * * * * |
|13| S || @ @ low tides @ | |
|14| G || sighn ov mutch @ | Thare aint bad luk in the |
|15| M || weather @ sun in | whole world to ruin enny one |
|16| T || @ apogee @ expekt | man, not if he will fite it out on |
|17| W || frosts @ about @ | that line. |
|18| T || @ theze days dont | |
|19| F || plant onion seed @ | * * * * |
|20| S || @ @ Sally Ann | |
|21| G || Murdok died @ | A fanatick iz the wust man we |
|22| M || @ @ @ kolder | hav to kontend with, reazon haz |
|23| T || Sally Ann waz a @ | no effekt on him, and it iz agin |
|24| W || weaver @ sighns ov | the law to klub him. |
|25| T ||@ @ thaux Sally Ann | |
|26| F || weavered yarns @ | |
|27| S ||@ peace to our ashes | |
|28| G || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_CHARITY._
Charity iz a blessed privilege; it lifts poor human natur up to the
level ov the angells, and sheds the lite ov heaven on our pathway. It iz
the most butiful ov all the impulses ov the heart, and the eazyest to
execute. Thare iz not a thought that goes out kindly to welkum a child
ov sorrow, but what iz kredited in the grate book ov everlasting life,
under the head ov Charity. Thare iz not a gift, not even a kup of kold
water, thare iz not a self sakrafice ov enny kind, thare iz not a
virtewous wish, nor a kind hope, but what kan be kounted amung the
jewels ov charity. Charity hath no markit-price here, nor hereafter,
thare iz menny a penny in the grate box that will kount out brighter, at
the last day, than enny dollar that iz thare. But thoze people who are
the soonest to melt with charity, are often the soonest to freeze up,--i
have seen them so fastidious that they couldn't meet an objikt ov
charity, without plunging their hand into one pocket, and taking out a
ten cent piece, put it right bak into the other, thus satisfying their
charity, and saving their munny at the same time.
_JESS SO._
All the philosophy in the world, wont make a hard trotting hoss ride
eazy.
* * * * *
One ov the most unfortunate individuals i kno ov, iz a third-rate
fiddler.
31 Days. MARCH. 1875.
Q.--How's yure mother-in-law? @
A.--Helthy, i thank yu, how's yures? @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now having his merchandize purchased,
He's out in the sno, and the sleet,
And yells like a "brave" on the war path,
Az swiftly he runs thru the street._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _TULIPS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ @ Windy | A pedant iz one who overestimates |
| 2| T || winds @ @ now | whatever he haz got, |
| 3| W || @ @ dig out @ | whether it be learning, munny, |
| 4| T || woodchucks @ | dri goods, or the rumatism. |
| 5| F || @ @ expekt wind | |
| 6| S || Sam Davis born @ | * * * * * |
| 7| G || @ 1632 @ more | |
| 8| M || wind @ Sam Davis | I dont reckolekt ov ever doing |
| 9| T || @ @ was an @ @ | ennything that i waz just a little |
|10| W || operator @ @ | ashamed ov, but what sum one |
|11| T || @ @ look out for | waz sure to remember it, and |
|12| F || wind @ @ @ Sam | every once in a while put me in |
|13| S || @ Davis operated | mind ov it. |
|14| G ||on hen roosts @ @ | |
|15| M ||prepare for wind @ | * * * * * |
|16| T || @ @ now pay @ | |
|17| W || yure dets @ @ | The most bitter kriticks we hav |
|18| T || @ windyness @ @ | are those who hav failed themself |
|19| F || prevails @ @ @ | to write ennything worth |
|20| S || @ @ @ Adam | reading. |
|21| G || waz a weak @ @ | |
|22| M || @ @ @ @ sister | * * * * * |
|23| T || mutch signs @ @ | |
|24| W || @ @ ov wind | He who haz got nothing to do |
|25| T || now sarch @ @ | in this world but amuze himself, |
|26| F || @ @ @ for hoss | haz got the hardest job on hand i |
|27| S || radish @ @ @ | kno ov. |
|28| G || @ @ more wind | |
|29| M || tud-stools @ @ | |
|30| T ||@ diskovered 1283 | |
|31| W || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_FUN._
Fun is the cheapest fisick that haz bin diskovered yet, and the eazyest
to take. Fun pills are sugar coated, and no change ov diet iz necessary
while taking them. A little fun will sumtimes go a grate ways, i hav
known men to liv to a good old age on one joke, which they managed to
tell az often az once a day, and do all the laffing themselves besides
that waz done. But thare iz lots ov pholks who kant see enny phun in
enny thing, yu couldn't fire a joke into them with a double barrell gun,
10 paces off, they go thru life az sollum az a cow. Menny people think
it iz beneath their dignity to relish a joke, sutch people are simply
fools, and dont seem to kno it. The Billings family are allwuss on the
lookout for fun, it iz sed ov Dexter Billings, one ov our pristines,
that he had to be kept under 500 dollar bonds all the time, to keep him
from laffing in church. Ackordin to all ackounts this Dexter Billings
waz a cuss. Fun iz the pepper and salt ov every day life, and all he
really wiz men who hav ever lived, hav used it freely for seazoning.
_HEAR YEE._
The man who kan set himself to work, at enny thing, on 5 minnitts
notiss, haz got one of the best trades i kno ov.
* * * * *
Virtew that kant whip Vice, in a fair stand up fite, enny time, aint
worth having.
30 Days. APRIL. 1875.
Q.--What's yure favourite style of buty? @ @ @
A.--Mi mother's. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_"Er'es the Errald, Times, Sun, World, and Tribune,"
Iz the yung merchants ear piercing kry,
"Got the orfull smash up on the rale rode,"--
And a kuntryman stops him to buy._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _PRIMROSES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || Gentle showers @ | About az low down az a man |
| 2| F ||@ @ @ now @ | kan git, and not quite spile, iz to |
| 3| S ||insert onion @ @ | liv on his wife's reputashun. |
| 4| G || @ seed @ @ | |
| 5| M || @ @ more rain | |
| 6| T ||@ @ perpetual @ | * * * * * |
| 7| W || moshun diskovered | |
| 8| T || @ @ 1832 @ @ | |
| 9| F ||@ @ more rain @ | A good karakter is allwuss |
|10| S || perpetual @ @ | gained bi inches, but iz often lost |
|11| G || @ @ moshon @ | in one chunk. |
|12| M ||lost 1313 @ @ | |
|13| T || @ inkreasing @ | |
|14| W ||@ @ wetness @ | * * * * * |
|15| T || now prospekt @ @ | |
|16| F ||@ for dandylions | |
|17| S || | To be strong a man should hav |
|18| G || @ @ Abner | plenty ov friends, and plenty ov |
|19| M || Durham @ @ | enemys--too menny friends weakens |
|20| T ||@ @ @ born 956 | him, and too menny enemys |
|21| W || expekt rain @ @ | makes him a vagabond. |
|22| T ||@ Abner Durham | |
|23| F ||waz a @ @ @ | |
|24| S || pedlar @ wet | * * * * * |
|25| G || rain @ @ Abner | |
|26| M ||@ Durham [!!] | |
|27| T || peddled goose yokes | The man who haz sworn not to |
|28| W ||@ rain @ @ luv me, | forgiv haz uttered the wust oath |
|29| T || luv @ mi @ dog | he kan take. |
|30| F ||@ damp drizzles @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_EAZY BOOTS._
One ov the eazyest things in this world iz a loose boot, it iz just az
eazy az falling oph from a log, when yu are fast asleep. The man who
fust invented tite boots committed suiside, so i hav been told, this waz
kind in the phellow. But if he had committed suiside before he had been
born, it would hav been kinder still. Eazy boots are one ov the luxurys
ov life, what the other luxurys are i dont kno, and dont kare. Enney man
who kan wear a tite boot, and enjoy it, iz either a martyr, or a phool,
it makes but little difference which. Tite boots produce korns, bunyons,
and swareing, and thare iz only one thing kan be said in their favour,
they make a man forgit all hiz other sorrows. An eazy boot will humanize
a sinner faster than two mishionary kan. Vanity iz the Godfather ov tite
boots, and just so long az men mistake a number eleven foot, for a
number nine boot, just so long we shall see them limping around, with
boots on two sizes too small. Next to a klear conshience, for solid
cumfort, and every day wear, cums an eazy boot.
_HITS._
After trieing for more than 35 years to hav mi own way in all things, i
have finally cum to the konklushun, to split the difference.
* * * * *
Everyboddy seems to konsider himself a kind ov moral half bushel, to
meazzure the worlds frailtys in.
[Illustration]
Mules are like sum men, very corrupt at harte.--I hav
known them to be good mules for 6 months, just to git a good chance
to kik sumboddy= Josh Billings=
[Illustration]
Yu kant do ennything fust rate with a flea on yu,--except
sware, and fleas aint afrade ov that.=
Yures respekfully. Josh Billings=
31 Days.
MAY.
1875.
Q.--What's yure favourite flower? @ @ @
A.--Buckwheat flour. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Another boy rushes to serve him,
But our hero wont stand it no how,
So he pockets the kuntryman's munny,
And fixes himself for a row._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _DAFFODILLS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ Dandylions @ | |
| 2| G || @ are @ here @ | The man who haz got nothing |
| 3| M || warm @ @ | to reckomend him but robust |
| 4| T || @ and fine @ | helth, and an excessiv flo ov animal|
| 5| W || @ @ tud-stools | spirits, iz az unplezant an |
| 6| T || hav arrived @ @ | assoshiate az a 4 year old kolt. |
| 7| F || @ @ it rains @ | |
| 8| S || frogs hav @ @ | |
| 9| G || @ @ cum @ | * * * * * |
|10| M || soft winds @ @ | |
|11| T || @ @ the tax- @ | |
|12| W || gatherer puts @ | Genius seems to be the fakulty |
|13| T || @ @ in an @ | ov doing a thing excellently well, |
|14| F || appearanse @ @ | that noboddy supposed could be |
|15| S || @ @ showery | done at all. |
|16| G || | |
|17| M || now chuck @ @ | |
|18| T || @ in gardin @ | * * * * * |
|19| W || seeds @ @ @ | |
|20| T || @ @ @ a butiful | |
|21| F || day @ @ Abram | Helth is like munny, we never |
|22| S || @ Barker elekted @ | hav a true idea ov its value untill |
|23| G || constable @ @ | we lose it. |
|24| M || @ @ @ kloudy | |
|25| T || woman iz @ @ | |
|26| W || @ a angell @ | * * * * * |
|27| T || wind @ @ @ | |
|28| F || @ southernly | |
|29| S || now investigate @ | The most dangerous person in |
|30| G || @ for hens eggs ¿? | this world, iz the one with the |
|31| M || quite wet ! !- ! -! | most tallent, and the least virtew. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_WOMAN._
Woman iz the glass ware ov kreashun. She iz luvly, and brittle, but she
haz run up everything we really enjoy in this life from 25 cents on the
dollar to par. Adam, without Eve, would hav been az stupid a game az
playing checkures alone. Thare haz been more butiful things sed in her
praze than thare haz ov enny other animate thing, and she is worthy ov
them all. She is not an angell tho, and i hope she wont never go into
the angell bizzness. Angells on earth dont pay. The only mistake that
woman haz ever made iz to think she iz a better man than Adam.
Adam iz captin, and i am reddy to admit, that he iz often a dreadphull
poor one too. Woman iz the power behind the throne, she holds all the
best playing kards in the pak, and her own good sense ought to teach her
not to be in enny hurry to play them. I hav allwus sed, and i beleaf it
still, that the time to be karfullest iz when you hav a hand phull ov
trumps.
_PRIVATE SENTIMENTS._
If i had 75 children i would be sure and learn 60 ov them to allwus shut
the door after them when they went out, and i wouldn't kare whether the
other 15 ever learnt mutch or not.
* * * * *
Yung man, yu better be honest than cunning, and it iz hard work to be
both.
30 Days. JUNE. 1875.
Q.--What's yure favourite color? @ @ @
A.--Blood bay. @ @
[Illustration]
_They "go in" like a pair ov yung tigers.
And neither seems anxious to stop,
Till they are suddenly brought to their senses,
By a vigilant, fierce looking "cop."_
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _HYACINTHS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ @ Wet rains | |
| 2| W || Abigail Fish @ @ | I hav made up mi mind that |
| 3| T || @ @ @ married | human hapness konsists in having |
| 4| F || @ 1756 @ @ | a good deal to do, and then keep |
| 5| S || warm heat @ @ | a doing it. |
| 6| G || @ now ho @ | |
| 7| M || gardens @ @ | * * * * * |
| 8| T || @ @ expekt | |
| 9| W || thunder @ @ | |
|10| T || @ @ hot @ | Vanity iz az common to the |
|11| F || rains @ @ @ | human family, az fleas iz to a dog, |
|12| S || | and makes them just about az |
|13| G || @ @ now hunt | oneazy. |
|14| M || for musketoes @ | |
|15| T || @ @ perhaps @ | |
|16| W || rain, @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|17| T || @ perhaps not | |
|18| F || @ now kast @ | |
|19| S || yure bread @ @ | The man who kant enjoy ennything |
|20| G || @ @ on the @ | but flattery, iz az bad oph |
|21| M || waters @ @ | az the one who kant drink ennything |
|22| T || @ sighns ov @ | but whiskey. |
|23| W || litening @ @ @ | |
|24| T || @ now fish @ @ | |
|25| F || for frogs @ @ | |
|26| S || @ @ it iz hotter | * * * * * |
|27| G || @ @ @ @ Andrew | |
|28| M || @ @ Jackson iz no | |
|29| T || more @ it raineth | A true friend iz one who aint |
|30| W || @ @ so beets & @ | afrade to tell yu ov yure faults. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_POLITENESS._
What a man kant win in this world bi politeness aint worth having.
Politeness iz just as natrul az fun iz, and iz the cheapest way to git a
living i kno ov. It haz made more friends than enny thing else ever haz,
and haz kept them longer. It dont kost enny more to be polite than it
duz to be happy, and enny man iz a phool who kant be either, if he iz a
mind to. I hav known it to sukceed whare every thing else had failed,
and i never knu it to fail, whare it undertook to sukceed. It iz az eazy
to apply az the "poor mans plaster," and it will allwus stik whare it iz
stuk. Next to honesty, politeness iz queen bee in the hive, and the man
who iz thoroly honest and thoroly polite, haz nothing to fear, or hope
for. Politeness, without honesty, iz a good deal risky, but sumtimes the
wust we kan call it iz, "a pleazant fraud."
_2 FAKTS._
The best abuzed woman ov the 19th century iz the average mother in law.
* * * * *
One ov the most perfekt viktorys yu kan achieve over enny man, iz to
beat him in politeness.
31 Days. JULY. 1875.
Q.--Who's yure favourite proze author? @ @ &
A.--Noah Webster. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_He takes them away to the stashun,
Whare both are krestfallen and meek,
And after a lektur on fiteing,
The kids are discharged by the_ "beak."
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _TUBE ROSES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || Expekt grate @ @ | |
| 2| F || @ @ hotness | He who expekts to be praized |
| 3| S || @ now snaix @ | every time he duz a virtewous |
| 4| G || @ are @ slippery @ | thing will soon git tired ov the |
| 5| M || thunder & @ | bizzness. |
| 6| T || @ @ mixt with | |
| 7| W || @ @ litening & @ | |
| 8| T || Hank Ketchum @ | * * * * * |
| 9| F || @ @ @ born 1802 | |
|10| S || @ @ @ hotter @ @ | |
|11| G || Hank Ketchum @ | When people loze their property |
|12| M || waz single @ & | they generally loze everything |
|13| T || | else, in the estimashun ov |
|14| W || @ @ more hotly | the world, except their faults and |
|15| T || Hank @ @ @ | vices. |
|16| F || @ @ Ketchum | |
|17| S || @ parted hiz @ | |
|18| G || hare in the @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| M || @ & middle | |
|20| T || sum & @ | |
|21| W || @ @ litening @ | It iz the eazyest thing in natur |
|22| T || about theze @ | to be honest, but most men make |
|23| F || @ @ daze :: | dredphull hard work ov it. |
|24| S || @ mad dogs @ | |
|25| G || @ heard ov (o) | |
|26| M || [!¡!] & less hot | * * * * * |
|27| T || now destroy Ψ @ | |
|28| W || @ grass for hay @ | |
|29| T || sighns ov thunder Ω | A good deal ov buty, and a |
|30| F || @ Ψ Σ honesty iz | good deal ov sense, are seldum |
|31| S || the best policy Ψ Ω | found together. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_EGG NOGG._