|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _QUALE ON TOAST._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || @ Hark @ the | |
| 2| T || violet cums @ @ @ | Sum pholks are like kats, so |
| 3| F || on tip toze | well ballanced that they alwuss |
| 4| S || @ and the | strike on their feet when they |
| 5| G || yello dandy @ @ | fall. |
| 6| M || @ @ lion gilds | |
| 7| T || the sod @ and | * * * * * |
| 8| W || krickets kraul @ | |
| 9| T || @ @ @ from out | |
|10| F || their holes @ @ | Lovers are alwuss defineing |
|11| S || @ and loafers | their extacys, but they are in no |
|12| G || seek the sun @ @ | better condishun tew do it, than |
|13| M || @ and dogs | a drunken man iz tew deliver a |
|14| T || @ @ tree kats | tempranse lektur. |
|15| W || and frogs begin | |
|16| T || @ tew jabber @ | |
|17| F || @ @ and tinkers | |
|18| S || tramp @ and | * * * * * |
|19| G || April phool @ @ @ | |
|20| M || | |
|21| T || @ grins at | |
|22| W || every corner @ @ | Silence iz alwus safe. |
|23| T || @ @ and--hark | |
|24| F || from the tombs @ | |
|25| S || @ @ a doleful | |
|26| G || @ [!!] sound | * * * * * |
|27| M || @ mine ears @ | |
|28| T || attend @ @ @ | |
|29| W || @ the cry @ @ | False praze iz the wust kind ov |
|30| T || and so forth @ @ | slander. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_SOLOMAN BILLINGS._
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Soloman Billings waz born the 26th ov May, 1322, old stile. He waz knone
fur and near for hiz chunks ov wisdum, but, like Soloman ov old, he
could talk wisdum better than he could do it. This iz the way with all
the wize men i hav met lately. Soloman Billings waz a leetle slippery,
but he managed tew git thru life without slipping down mutch, and died
reazonably well. He waz sed, bi all who knu him, tew be chuk full ov
wisdum; he could tell, bi looking at the egg, how mutch a goslin would
weigh before it waz born, and when the best time waz tew set a hen or a
gate-post. Sol's mouth waz full ov wisdum; litening couldn't strike a
tree, just for fun, but what he would preach a moral sermon from the
tex. He waz dredful sertain ov what he did kno, and want the least bit
unsertain ov what he didn't kno. I find in digging down tew the hard pan
ov Soloman, mi ansesstor, that he had a grate deal ov vanity, a large
amount ov impudense, a good supply ov inkredulity, just the things, for
all the world, tew make a wize phool out of. He died az aforesed, and i
look bak upon him az one who haz departed this life. Adew, Soloman, mi
ansesstor. Deth iz tuff. Sumwhat! I will add, quite.
_MORAL._
Wisdom chunks are chunkier far,
Than all the chunks that chunky ar.
[Illustration: Josh Billings Ultimatum.]
The man who kan wear a paper collar, a whole week, and keep it
klean,--aint good for enny thing else.=
Jess so, Josh Billings.
[Illustration: Josh Billings, and the Bull.]
Never take the Bull bi the horns Yung Man, but take him bi the tale.
Then yu kan let go when yu want to.=
Yure warm friend, Josh Billings
31 Days.
MAY.
1874.
Q.--What iz ignorance? @ @ @
A.--Raw happiness. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_The skule kommitty made him work,
(How krewel and unphealling,)
For less than a bartender gits,
And nary chance for stealing._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _POP KORN._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ Now the | |
| 2| S || vain rooster @ @ | I dont kare what a mans |
| 3| G || @ @ splits hiz | kondishun in life iz, if he iz too |
| 4| M || thrut @ and | mutch for the kondishun he iz a |
| 5| T || @ hope exultant @ | hero. |
| 6| W || spreds her @ @ | |
| 7| T || @ downy wing | |
| 8| F || and life iz short @ | * * * * * |
| 9| S || @ @ but sweet | |
|10| G || @ and lettiss @ | |
|11| M || grows apace | |
|12| T || @ and giv me @ | Avarice iz about the only |
|13| W || @ liberty or @ | pashun that improves by age. |
|14| T || @ giv me deth | |
|15| F || @ @ @ and what's | |
|16| S || @ the matter @ | |
|17| G || with Hannah @ | * * * * * |
|18| M || | |
|19| T || @ and hav | |
|20| W || yu heard @ @ | |
|21| T || @ that deakon | The truly brave are alwus |
|22| F || Jones @ | generous. |
|23| S || @ @ @ @ @ haz | |
|24| G || lost a @ @ | |
|25| M || @ @ heifer | |
|26| T || @ and sich @ | * * * * * |
|27| W || iz life @ | |
|28| T || and woodman @ @ | |
|29| F || @ @ @ | He whom prosperity makes |
|30| S || spare that @ | humble and thankful, adversity |
|31| G || @ @ tree @ and @ | haz no power over. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_DUTERONOMY BILLINGS._
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Duteronomy Billings waz a square man. He waz az square az the bloks on a
checker-board. He waz just the same kind ov a man in the fall, az he waz
in the spring ov the year; yu didn't hav tew winter him tew find out who
he waz. He alwus did az he agreed, but waz dredful bakward about
agreeing. Duteronomy waz immense in one thing, and that waz the length
ov hiz noze. He had more noze ackordin, than enny man in history. One
writer ov the eleventh sentury, sez hiz noze waz 8 inches in length, and
another makes it a frackshun over 10 inches; i will split the
difference, and call it 7. If Dute' waz alive now, i think he would
sustain mi figgures. In writing theze details ov mi ansesstors, i am
guided bi a luv tew do a square thing, and if i er, it will be all owing
tew mi luk. I never waz right lucky since I had the meazles. They took
place in the 14th year ov mi age, when i lived with mi unkle. I had them
too thik. Duteronomy Billings waz named after old Duteronomy ov bible
times, and az ansesstors run, he waz a very good kind ov a one tew hav.
He died az he had lived, exackly square. In konklushun i will say lie
still dear Dute', yu hav got a square thing. Thare iz force in the idee.
I may add, grate force. Very. Indeed.
_MORAL._
Sum men are oktagon,
And sum three-sided are,
'Tis mortal tuff tew find one
Who iz kompletely square.
30 Days.
JUNE.
1874.
Q.--Define the hen? @ @ @
A.--A lay member. @ @
[Illustration: KONDEMIT]
_Tho kivvered o'er with sich abuse,
He never fout agen it,
The very wuss that Hez' would kuss,
Waz the simple word KONDEMIT._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KREAM OV TARTAR._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ Can the | |
| 2| T || leopard change @ | Vice makes a man kunning, |
| 3| W || @ hiz name @ waz | virtew makes him wize. |
| 4| T || Norval on the @ | |
| 5| F || Grampine hills | |
| 6| S || @ he loved not @ | * * * * * |
| 7| G || | |
| 8| M || wizely but too | |
| 9| T || @ menny @ cooks | |
|10| W || spile @ the brakeing | The ritch spend their time in |
|11| T || @ wares dashed @ | kreating wants, the poor in |
|12| F || hi low Jak @ and | gratifying them,--the poor are |
|13| S || @ @ the game | the most sensible. |
|14| G || of brag iz good @ | |
|15| M || @ but holdfast | |
|16| T || iz better @ @ | * * * * * |
|17| W || @ @ @ late than | |
|18| T || never too old @ | |
|19| F || @ to learn @ | The man who iz the most fraid |
|20| S || @ @ the luxury | tew die, iz the one who knows |
|21| G || ov doing | least how tew liv. |
|22| M || @ good @ bye @ | |
|23| T || sweetheart | |
|24| W || @ and George @ | * * * * * |
|25| T || @ @ Washington | |
|26| F || waz | |
|27| S || the father @ @ | |
|28| G || @ @ ov hiz | I had rather be a boy again, |
|29| M || natiff @ @ | than tew be the autokrat ov the |
|30| T || @ @ land @ @ | world. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_PORKANBEANS BILLINGS._
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Porkanbeans Billings lived and throve in the 16th sentury. He loved a
horse with grate power. He could swop a horse clusser than enny man that
imparshall history tells ov. He iz sed tew have swopped Deakon Absolem
Featherweight, klean out ov a 5 year old sorrel horse, at one swop, and
the deakon waz looked upon az almost insurmountable in a dikker. Not tew
disguise the fakt, Porky Billings waz a hoss jockey ov the anshunt daze,
one who hung around the village tavern, and alwuss had on hand an old
flag-tailed pelter, with a glass eye, tew trade with ennyboddy. I dont
feal like bragging ov Porkanbeans az an ansesstor, but i must say, az a
horse jockey, (if all reports are trew) i feal proud ov him. I forgot
tew state, that Porky left no property. Thare iz a grate deal ov genius
in the horse-swop bizzness but fu assetts. Porkanbeans died instantly,
sumwhare about the fust ov the 17th sentury. He waz struk bi the hind
feet ov a mule. Moral karakter even wont save a phello-being from
dissolushun, when a mule goes for him with both hind feet at once. Sich
iz life. Sich iz the mule. Porkanbeans haz my sympathy, he also haz mi
tears, but i dont serpose they will be worth mutch tew him now, he iz
too ded. Fairwell old phello-being, fairwell mi ansesstor. Deth iz our
porshun. I think i kan say this without making a phool ov miself.
Undoubtedly. Yes. Jiss so.
_MORAL._
Tew swop a horse and not git beat,
Iz sumthing nice tew brag on,
I tried it once, and that's the time
I lost a horse--and waggon.
31 Days.
JULY.
1874.
Q.--Pleaze defin a good wife? @ @ @
A.--A silent partner in the consarn. @ @ @
[Illustration: PORDUNK DIET
PORK AND BEANS]
_Dont talk to me ov anshunt Job,
Ov biles he had a plenty,
But they were all one breed ov biles,
Leastwise 19 out ov twenty._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _SHOOTING STARS._ *** |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || @ Grate hot @ | |
| 2| T || @ Billy Buckram | One ov the eazyest things tew |
| 3| F || died 1304 @ @ | hear ov, and at the same time |
| 4| S || @ carry the @ | one ov the hardest tew find, iz a |
| 5| G || news to Mary @ | ghost. |
| 6| M || @ @ hotter still @ | |
| 7| T || i luv it @ hot | |
| 8| W || inkreases @ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 9| T || @ @ i luv it @ | |
|10| F || still hotter @ that | |
|11| S || old arm chair @ | It iz only a step from lazyness |
|12| G || | tew vice, and a short one at that. |
|13| M || @ @ awful hot | |
|14| T || and who shall | |
|15| W || @ more hot @ | |
|16| T || chide me @ cooler | * * * * * |
|17| F || @ @ with rain @ | |
|18| S || @ @ for luving | |
|19| G || lightning and | |
|20| M || thunder @ @ @ | Thare iz lots ov people who |
|21| T || that @ still hot | mistake their imaginashun for |
|22| W || @ @ that @ Nancy | their memory. |
|23| T || Dodge born @ @ | |
|24| F || 1786 @ old | |
|25| S || @ arm chair @ | |
|26| G || @ @ wind south | * * * * * |
|27| M || mad dogs @ @ @ | |
|28| T || @ @@ seen @ the | |
|29| W || boy stood on @ @ | |
|30| T || @ the burning dek | Bashfullness that kant be overcome, |
|31| F || mutch weather @ | iz modesty. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_JAMAIKA BILLINGS._
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Jamaika Billings waz sed bi good judges ov the artikle, tew be the
lazyest man that ever visited this world. At the age ov 14 he waz
pronounced bi the doktors too lazy tew ketch flies. He waz named after
hiz unkle who had a grate speshiality in the jamaika-rum line, and who
could float more ardent speerits, on an evener keel, than enny human
kraft in thoze daze. Jamaika lived tew a grate extent; sum say that he
waz 160 when he died, and sum put it at 142, but all giv in that he
didn't di from enny disseaze, but kind ov lazyed tew deth. He waz born
tired, and never outgru it. He marrid at 37, but hiz wife left him at
the end ov the fust month ov their nupshalls, taking with her all the
pussonell affekts, whitch were a kupple ov cedar wash-tubs, and a
seckond-hand buggy harness, brass-mounted. Her fust name waz Polly Ann.
They never met afterwards, if they did, history dont kno it. Jamak'e
Billings didn't hav enny vice tew speak ov, he waz even too lazy for
that. He seems tew hav spent hiz life in hanging around places, keeping
ragged and phatt on nothing. He died in Old Pordunk, and i suppoze waz
burried, but history dont say so, in jiss so menny words. He waz mi
ansesstor, but i kant help it. Can I? I hav bin told not. Queer.
_MORAL._
I never knu, in all mi life,
Enny man tew go krazy,
Who alwuss took things setting down,
And kultivated hiz lazy.
31 Days.
AUGUST.
1874.
Q.--What iz a cock loft @ @ @
A.--A roosters hed. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_But in a distrik skool i kno,
Each boy's a bile uncommon,
And must a diffrent poultiss hav,
Tew git a hed upon em._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _MUSHROOMS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || Huge heat @ @ | |
| 2| G || @ David Blair | It iz az hard work tew git |
| 3| M || born 1818 @ @ @ | acquainted with a haff bred |
| 4| T || @ hot inkreases | family, az it iz for them tew |
| 5| W || @ @ David Blair | conceal their pedigree. |
| 6| T || waz an | |
| 7| F || @ essence pedlar @ | |
| 8| S || thunder showers @ | * * * * * |
| 9| G || @ now keep @ | |
|10| M || @ cool @ @ hotter | |
|11| T || | |
|12| W || @ @ if enny man | If a man knows himself thoroughly, |
|13| T || attempts tew @ | he iz az wize az he kan |
|14| F || @ more hot @ | be in this life. |
|15| S || haul down @ good | |
|16| G || @ hot @ the flag | |
|17| M || @ red hot @ shute | * * * * * |
|18| T || him on the @ | |
|19| W || @ spot @ cooler | |
|20| T || now @ Bully for | I luv tew watch the sports ov |
|21| F || Dix @ @ now lay | children, they kant be children |
|22| S || @ @ in yure sun @ | but once, and then but a short |
|23| G || strokes @ for next | time. |
|24| M || @ winter @ it biles! | |
|25| T || @ Mike Doolittle | |
|26| W || born 1830 @ died | * * * * * |
|27| T || 1850 @ Mike done | |
|28| F || but little here belo | |
|29| S || nor dun that little @ | Hope claims the most, and iz |
|30| G || @ long @ now | satisfied with the least, ov enny |
|31| M || konkockt juleps @ | pashun ov the harte. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_EKLEEZIASTIKS BILLINGS._
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Ekleeziastiks Billings waz a Puritan bi natur and occupashun. He waz az
puritan az spring lam soaked in mint saus. Sum ov the most kold and
thawless stok in all Nu England oozed from Ekleeze' Billings. He waz
kreated nominally in the year 1570, and had hiz trunk packed tew cum
over in the May Flower, but didn't cum. He cum over the nex fall, and
went immejiately into the pilgrim bizzness. Ekleeziastiks kept a grocery
store, and never sanded hiz sugar, nor watered hiz Nu England rum
without fust asking tew be forgiv for it. How pure! how lam like!
Ekleeziastiks waz very tall, but then he waz very thin; he waz over 6
feet perpendiklar, and not quite 7 inches thru. He weighed 146 with hiz
winter clothes and cowhide boots on. He preserved hiz thinity unto deth.
He died from eating too mutch garden-truk. How sad! how disinterested!
Ekleesiastiks had one virtew which shines tew this day, he waz very
saving ov hiz clothes. Hiz best blu koat, with brass buttons on, and a
sharp tail tew it, he wore for 18 years, and then kut oph the buttons
and had it prest out, and sent it tew the heathen. Ekleeze' waz both a
saving and a libral kuss. He lived tew be over 90, and then died game;
he wouldn't hav enny doktor. He dispized doktors bills. How touching!
Truly. How touchful! Really.
* * * * *
_MORAL._
Blest iz the man who iz partikular,
And duz all things up perpindikular.
(Chorus.) Ri fol de rol, ri folderikular.
[Illustration]
Josh Billings, and the Twins. =
Thare iz 2 things in this world for which we are never fully prepared,
and that is.--twins.=
Jess so, Jess so, Josh Billings.
[Illustration]
Josh Billings on the haff shell.=
The man who swallowed the fust oyster, from the haff shell must hav
been astonished, at the sudden way it waz dun, but I dont beleave he
waz more suprized, than the oyster waz.= Josh.=
30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1874.
Q.--Define honesty? @ @ @
A.--The wag ov a dogs tail. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_The only kind ov konsolashun
This man got, aint worth a kuss,
For 'twas PITTY,--and we all kno
PITTY iz but mild disguss._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KAPER SAUS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || * Butiful weather | Genuine wit dont make a man |
| 2| W || elegant weather @ | laff enny more than logick duz. |
| 3| T || @ deliteful weather | |
| 4| F || superb weather @ | |
| 5| S || @ @ divine weather | |
| 6| G || charming weather | * * * * * |
| 7| M || exquisitt weather @ | |
| 8| T || emoshional weather | |
| 9| W || @ gorgeous weather | |
|10| T ||* celestial weather * | Yu kan buy larning, but wit |
|11| F || blissful weather @ | and wisdum are the gift ov God. |
|12| S || @ grate weather @ | |
|13| G || @ fine weather @ @ | |
|14| M || @ delishus weather | |
|15| T || heavenly weather @ | * * * * * |
|16| W || @ glorious weather | |
|17| T || magnificient @ @ | |
|18| F || @ @ weather @ | |
|19| S || gushing weather | Energy iz another name for |
|20| G || @ sweet weather @ | kapacity. |
|21| M || exhuberant weather | |
|22| T || @ poetick weather | |
|23| W || fragrant weather @ | |
|24| T || @ luvely weather | * * * * * |
|25| F || languishing weather | |
|26| S || soft weather @ mild | |
|27| G ||weather @ bewitching | |
|28| M || weather @ and | Yung men, like grayhounds, |
|29| T || common weather @ | follow by sight; old men, like |
|30| W || | bloodhounds, follow by track. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_LUKE BILLINGS._
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Luke Billings waz a skool-master ov the Nu England type and shaddo. He
waz an uprite and an austere man, az uprite az a sperm kandle, and az
austere az hoss-radish. I look bak onto Luke's memoirs and pitty him,
for i pitty awl distrikt-skool masters, all mothers-in-law, and all
grass widders. Luke Billings spent hiz whole life in the distrik-skool
spekulashun, and died az poor az a salt kodfish. Hiz assetts konsisted
ov a pocket-komb and a nu testament. He used tew board round the
naborhood, and waz alwuss az hungry az a pikrel. He never had enny
friends, nor enny enemys; he waz like a gide-board in this respek. Luke
Billings never got marrid, he hadn't the time tew spare. He waz severely
engaged, for 26 years, tew Nancy Burbanks, but they both died intestate.
They sleep cluss together, in the old grave-yard, at lower Pordunk.
Sleep on! sleep on! dear old virgin couple, and pay no attenshun tew
noboddy. Lukey wore hiz hare long behind, and kept a distrik skool 34
years 6 months and 17 daze. Oh, dear! oh, dear! Luke i pitty yu. Luke
Billings iz an ansesstor that i look bak upon every now and then with my
memory, and want tew fite sumboddy on hiz ackount. Fairwell, luvely
Luke. Fairwell Lukey. Fairwell. Enuff sed.
* * * * *
_MORAL._
From keeping skool, and the pay,
Two things pestiverous,
I feel az tho' I'd like to say,
Good Lord! deliver us.
31 Days. OCTOBER. 1874.
Q.--What iz a husband? @ @ @
A.--Gander ov the ockashun. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Much rather would i hav a man,
Than offer me hiz pitty,
Hit me rite smart long side the hed,
For that mite make me gritty._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KONDENSED MILK._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T ||@ @ About these @ | The more rare a mans qualitys |
| 2| F || days expekt rain | are, the more he will be found |
| 3| S || @ @ @ now worry | falt with,--dust on a dimond iz |
| 4| G || wood chucks @ @ | alwus more noticeable than dust |
| 5| M || @ @ sighns ov | on a brik. |
| 6| T || snow @ @ @ now | |
| 7| W ||hurry coons @ @ @ | |
| 8| T || @ cooler @ now | * * * * * |
| 9| F || @ persekute musk | |
|10| S || rats @ frost @ @ | |
|11| G || @ @ now | Experience teaches a good |
|12| M ||@ @ hunt patridge @ | many things, but dont learn us |
|13| T || @ quite kold @ | but a phew. |
|14| W ||@ now chase quails | |
|15| T || more snow @ now | |
|16| F ||@ pester foxes @ @ | * * * * * |
|17| S || @ sour rain @ | |
|18| G || @ now persew @ @ | |
|19| M || bears @ hard | I hav seen old villains who |
|20| T || @ frost @ @ now | were komparitively pure, they had |
|21| W || sarch for @ | either worn out their vices, or |
|22| T ||@ @ @ elephants @ | their vices had wore out them, i |
|23| F || @ @ more kold @ | dont kno whitch. |
|24| S || @ now go for | |
|25| G || anakondys @ @ | |
|26| M || @ freezing @ now | * * * * * |
|27| T || @ prospekt for @ | |
|28| W || Behomaths @ raw | |
|29| T ||kold @ now dig for | It requires the gratest ov skill |
|30| F || mastedons @ now @ | tew hide a weakness. |
|31| S || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_NEBUDKENNEZZAR BILLINGS._
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Nebudkennezzar Billings waz an orphan bi birth, and kept a hotel, he
did. When yu got fride pork at hiz house, it waz fride pork, it waz. Yu
didn't hav a bill ov fare tew tell what it waz, yu didn't. Hiz wife waz
smarter than chane litening, and kleaner than a ghost, she waz. Her hash
didn't hav enny paving-stuns, nor kart-wheels in it, it didn't. Yu mite
az well hunt for the lost tribes ov Izrael on her premises, az to hunt
for a kokroach, yu mite. Neb's wife had red hare, and waz bony put
together, and could fri pork, tend bar, harness a hoss, trade with a
peddlar, and make a gin-sling that could almost talk, she could.
Nebudkennezzar Billings waz a pollytishioner, and run hard for konstable
in old Pordunk, for menny times, he did. It iz justiss tew hiz memoirs
tew state, that tho he run well, the offiss alwuss beat him, it did. He
never got elekted, he didn't. How prekarious! how impekunious! how
transhunt! Alass! alass! Neb' waz kreated in 1502, and dissoluted in
1569, and spent hiz whole life in the hash bizzness, he did. Hiz wife
waz boss while here on earth, and will undertake tew be hereafter, she
will. But she kant, kan she? She kant. Happy it iz that thare iz a
thussness in theze things. Thrice happy. Even nobby. That's so.
_MORAL._
Every man thinks he kan keep a hotel,
But O! how delusiv and rash,
For thare aint no kind ov bizzness so mixt,
Az doing a klean job in hash.
30 Days.
NOVEMBER.
1874.
Q.--What iz pitty? @ @ @
A.--Cheap charity. @ @ @
[Illustration: AFTER TEN IERS]
_Enny man who a skool haz kept
Ten years, (krewel fate allass!)
Ought tew hav hiz shuze pulled oph,
And be turned out tew grass._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _GINGER SNAPS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ Hark @ the | |
| 2| M || @ @ kold wind | Thare iz, now and then, a man |
| 3| T || whissells @ @ and | who knows that he iz a phool; |
| 4| W || @ the rane @ | sutch a man iz a hard man tew |
| 5| T || drizzles @ @ and | cheat. |
| 6| F || @ @ @ the snow @ | |
| 7| S || phizzles @ @ @ and | * * * * * |
| 8| G || @ the fire sizzles @ | |
| 9| M ||and the @ @ dogs @ | |
|10| T || @ bark @ and | I hav known people who waz |
|11| W || @ @ @ the boys | virtewous just bekauze they waz |
|12| T || @ lark @ @ @ | lazy, they hadn't snap enuff in |
|13| F || @ @ @ and the | them tew brake one ov the 10 |
|14| S || kats mew @ @ and | commandments. |
|15| G || @ the kittles stew | |
|16| M || and the pork @ | |
|17| T || @ @ @ fries @ and | * * * * * |
|18| W || | |
|19| T || @ the mince @ @ | |
|20| F || pies @ @ @ @ @ | |
|21| S || | I beleave pitty iz more ov an |
|22| G || @ @ and the @ | impulse than a principle, for we |
|23| M || turkey dies @ @ | seldum respekt thoze that we |
|24| T || @ and the | pitty. |
|25| W || @ owl dreameth @ | |
|26| T || and the goose @ @ | * * * * * |
|27| F || @ skreameth @ and | |
|28| S || the girls @ @ @ @ | |
|29| G || @ snikker @ and the | He who suspekts everyboddy, |
|30| M || men dikker @ and | should be watched by everyboddy. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_MUSHANMILK BILLINGS._
HIS MEMORANDUM.
Mushanmilk Billings waz one ov mi earliest efforts in the way ov
ansesstors. He was begot during the 11th or 12th sentury, or
thareabouts. He derived hiz name from hiz grate ability tew conquer mush
and milk. Titus Odistes, a celebrated writer in thoze days, sez he haz
known him tew eat a potash kittle ov puddin and milk, at one sitting. I
kant state whether this iz sutch or not, for i never met Mushanmilk
personally. He died previous tew mi birth. Titus Odistes also sez, that
Mushanmilk had a very sweet disposishun, how sweet, he dont tell us, but
from what i kno ov the latter-day saints, amung the Billings family, it
couldn't hav bin quite up tew the best brand ov Nu Orleans mollassiss.
He waz sed tew be number One in modesty, and sitch like, but this dont
exackly conspire with what i know ov the Billings'es. Cheeck haz alwus
been reckoned amung our virtews. In taking a square look bak upon mi
ansesstors, i find that they were rather a thin set. I find that their
_ambishun_ waz the result ov _vanity_. Their _honesty_ the effekt ov
_edukashun_. Their _charity_, the luv ov _novelty_. Their _philosophy_,
able tew bear the stummuk-ake ov others with heroik fortitude, but not
worth a kuss in their own; and their _virteus_ generally, more the
growth ov their _pride_ than ov their _humility_. What a pitty! Echo
answers, "Jiss so." Man iz an angleworm. He iz. Verily.
* * * * *
_MORAL._
Thare aint to-day, so just a vittle,
Az mush,--rite hot, from out the kittle.
31 Days. DECEMBER. 1874.
Q.--Define salt kodfish? @ @ @
A.--Vittles and----drink. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Instid ov this, how trew it tis,
The skoolmaster iz treated,
Like one we owe 50 dollars,
And wont admit we've cheated._