the top ov Virgo's hed 200 paces oph, and not only halve the apple into
quarters, but knok the seeds 27 different direkshuns. He wins the cigars
at all the target excursions in the zodiak. In shooting at a muskeeter
once who had lighted onto the tail ov Leo, he aimed a leetle too
delikate, and dekapitated the dorsal extenshun ov Leo. This waz looked
upon bi all the other phellows in the zodiak az a supplementary shot.
Leo waz laid up in the horsepittol for 6 months, but hiz codicil gru out
about 2 foot more than it waz before. Sagittarius iz the comik genius ov
the zodiak, and on fourth of Julys shutes pennys oph from a stik, injun
fashion. In the zodiak sighns Sagittarius oversees the thighs, but for
what I dont seem tew kno.
_FOR IMMEJIATE ADOPSHUN._
A mail child, Eleven months old, well broke tew the bottle, 9 teeth kut,
lite sunset hair, without spot or blemish, no parents ov enny ackount,
hard tew kry, dont bite, shows sighns ov genius, and haz had
wackshination.
Enquire within.
[Illustration]
I never question a suckcess enny more than I do the right
ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.=
no I dont, Josh Billings.=
[Illustration]
The diffrence between a mistake, and a blunder.
When a man sets down a poor umbreller, and takes up a good one, he
makes a _mistake_, but when he sets down a good umbreller, and takes
up a poor one, he makes a _blunder_.=
Excuse haste. Josh Billings
30 Days.
SEPTEMBER.
1873.
Q.--When duz a fly git badly stuck? @ @
A.--When he fools with mollassis. @ @
[Illustration]
_When puter knives went oph slo,
Joel waz a kunning kuss,
He could just turn to and swop
An old hoss dredful cluss._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _STEWED PRUNES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || * It iz fall | |
| 2| T || @ @ _warm but_ | After a man haz got a fust rate |
| 3| W || _tender_ | opinyun ov himself the next best |
| 4| T || @ now the leaves | thing tew hav iz the good opinyun |
| 5| F || fall | ov others. |
| 6| S || @ _butiful weather_ | |
| 7| G || | * * * * * |
| 8| M || @ Sam Jones | |
| 9| T || born 1900 @ @ | |
|10| W || @ @ _mild but_ | Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she |
|11| T || _lovely_ | puts our humps on our backs so |
|12| F || @ Sam Jones | that we kant see them. |
|13| S || was a | |
|14| G || clam hunter @ @ | * * * * * |
|15| M || @ @ _warm rains_ | |
|16| T || @ now the | |
|17| W || hog | Wise men hav but fu confidents, |
|18| T || rooteth @ | and cunning men, none. |
|19| F || @ _smoky weather_ @ | |
|20| S || now the | * * * * * |
|21| G || Jackass warbleth @ | |
|22| M || @ @ _sighns ov_ | I think i am about right when i |
|23| T || _frost_ | say, that all things which do not |
|24| W || @ @ now | korrupt are innocent. |
|25| T || the hen clucketh @ | |
|26| F || @ @ _it wants tew_ | * * * * * |
|27| S || _rain_ | |
|28| G || Galen was | |
|29| M || a | Be yee humble before God,--but |
|30| T || doktor. @ @ @ | resolute before men. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_OCTOBER MISSCELLANY._
LIBRA, THE ZODIAK SKALES.
Sixteen ounces to the pound wrongs no man. I dont want enny better
evidence that things are strikly on the square in the zodiak than the
fakt, that they keep a pair ov skales up thare, and they are alwus
level. Thare iz a grate deal ov native honesty in a pair of skales. When
i begun life, i looked upon every boddy az honest az a pair ov skales,
but the skales hav dropt oph from my eyes since, and i begin tew look
upon things more az they am. I look upon every man now az strikly
honest, who kan prove it. I want honesty weighed out to me just az i do
mi sassage, 16 ounces tew the pound. Honesty that lacks an ounce in
every pound aint worth a kuss. The ounce that iz lacking iz just what
beats us. In the zodiak concern Libra holds the reins over the
anitomikal hoss.
_THINGS THAT KAN BE DID._
One ov the smartest things a man kan do, iz to drink peper sass.
One ov the safest things a man kan do, iz to ride a saw hoss.
One ov the surest things a man kan do, iz tew slip up on the ice.
One ov the lazyest things a man kan do, iz tew eat soup with a fork.
One ov the longest things a man kan do, iz to long for perfekt
happiness.
One ov the handyest things a man kan do, is to giv hiz note for 90
daze.
31 Days.
OCTOBER.
1873.
Q.--Whi iz a lie called a yarn? @ @ @
A.--Bekauze it iz dubble and twisted. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_'Tis the fate ov kunning men,
Ofttimes tew pla the fule,
So with Joel when he swopt
Horses for a balky mule._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _HAISTI PUDDIN._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || Θ @ Whiskey | |
| 2| T || invented 1612 | Thare aint nothing that iz a |
| 3| F || @ _frosty_ @ @ | sure kure for lazyness, but i hav |
| 4| S || whiskey iz | known a seckond wife tew hurry |
| 5| G || very proud | it sum. |
| 6| M || spirited @ @ @ | |
| 7| T || @ _sharp frost_ @ | |
| 8| W || @ @ @ now | * * * * * |
| 9| T || shuv checkers Θ @ | |
|10| F || @ _snow flurrys_ | It iz the suprizes ov life after |
|11| S || @ Col Peapod | all that give it its zest,--even a |
|12| G || born 1500 @ @ @ | rat makes things interesting bi |
|13| M || Col Peapod | the natral suddenness with which |
|14| T || waz a | he cums out, or goes into hiz |
|15| W || Korporal @ @ Θ | hole. |
|16| T || | |
|17| F || @ @ _wind sharp_ | |
|18| S || Θ @ now | * * * * * |
|19| G || lay in | |
|20| M || yure winter | |
|21| T || kats @ @ @ @ @ | Real good lies are gitting skarse. |
|22| W || @ @ _rain_ @ Θ | |
|23| T || @ Kats are a | |
|24| F || kumfert @ @ _cool_ | * * * * * |
|25| S || Θ @ frogs quiet | |
|26| G || @ _wind north_ @ | |
|27| M || @ cider haz | |
|28| T || cum @ _it rains_ | The greatest problem ever given |
|29| W || Diogonese lived in | tew man to solve, and the one |
|30| T || a barrell Θ @ now | which he haz made the least progress|
|31| F || chonk apples @ | in, iz "_know thyself_." |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_NOVEMBER MISSCELLANY._
LEO, THE ZODIAK LION.
Leo iz the only real lion that haz been allowed tew run around loose
amung folks. Thus far he haz abstained from human flesh. Thare iz a
report in the zodiak that he and Taurus had sum words about 15 thousand
years ago, but i kant git hold ov the fakts in the case. Leo waz born in
the smart little village ov Numidia in the state of Africa, ov unknown
parents, and iz now 260 thousand years old. Leo will probably end hiz
days in the zodiak, and i hav looked at Leo's piktur in the zodiak
gallery and dont hesitate tew rekomend him az a good job for all in
search ov a disinterested lion. The lion iz like an auckshioneer in one
respekt, hiz grate strength lays in hiz jaw. In the sighns ov the zodiak
Leo akts on the heart, and this ackounts for the human heart being so
tuff. Next to the gizzard, the heart iz the tuffest piece ov meat in the
whole human kritter.
_EXAMININ A PORDUNK VALLEY RALE RODE KONDUKTOR._
_President._ Have yu a gold kronometer worth 300 dollars?
_Konduktor._ Not mutch!
_President._ Do yu keep a trotter?
_Konduktor._ Not enny!
_President._ Hav yu enny dimond rings?
_Konduktor._ Nary!
_President._ Do yu own a fiteing dog?
_Konduktor._ Nothing ov the sort!
_President._ How much bank stock have yu got?
_Konduktor._ Not a red!
_President._ We shant want yu,--the Pordunk valley rale rode haz got
done furnishing konduktors with these things.
30 Days.
NOVEMBER.
1873.
Q.--What did Adam and Eve weigh when they left Paradise?
A.--They weighed ankor and haint dropt it since. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_He sold the mule for 3 dollars'
Worth ov honey in the comb,
Then got himself between the shafts,
And hauld the waggin home._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _LAM CHOPS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ @ | |
| 2| G || ketch kold @ @ @ | Whenever yu see a dokter who |
| 3| M || @ _raw but sour_ | alwus travels on the run, yu kan |
| 4| T || @ dough nuts | bet he iz out ov a job. |
| 5| W || found 1590 @ @ @ | |
| 6| T || @ _more sour_ @ | * * * * * |
| 7| F || vinegar invented | |
| 8| S || 1262 @ @ @ @ | |
| 9| G || @ _sour inkreases_ | It iz a grate deal eazier tew be |
|10| M || @ @ @ lemons | a philosopher after a man haz had |
|11| T || had 856 @ @ _sour | hiz dinner, than it iz when he dont |
|12| W || enuff_ @ @ @ @ | kno whare he iz a going tew git it. |
|13| T || @ Lazarus | |
|14| F || waz | * * * * * |
|15| S || a | |
|16| G || poor man @ @ @ | |
|17| M || | Wit without wisdum iz like a |
|18| T || @ @ _sighns ov | song without sense, it dont pleaze |
|19| W || snow_ @ @ hash | long. |
|20| T || fust mixt 1645 @ | * * * * * |
|21| F || _kold wetness_ @ | |
|22| S || @ @ @ @ now fri | I dont bet on prekoshus children, |
|23| G || sassage @ @ _kolder_ | the huckelberry that ripens |
|24| M || @ @ thanksgiving | the soonest iz alwus the fust tew |
|25| T || threatens @ @ | dekay. |
|26| W || _rain and sleet_@ @ | |
|27| T || @ @ be wise | * * * * * |
|28| F || and yu | |
|29| S || will know | The bulk ov mankind are mere |
|30| G || sumthing @ @ @ | imitators ov poor originals. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_DECEMBER MISSCELLANY._
GEMINI, THE ZODIAK TWINS.
I have asked several literary people if they would tell me whoze two
children the Gemini waz, but they all shook their heds, and begun tew
whissell. Maybe they thought i waz a kondem phool. I would just like tew
know all about this. Thare iz 2 things in this life for which we are
never fully prepared, and them iz twins. The zodiak twins are a kupple
ov nice little phellows, if their piktur aint mistaken on the subjekt I
never hav saw them only in their pikturs. Twins are two very interesting
acksidents tew happen in sumboddy elses family, but one twin at a time
suits me the most. In the zodiak sighns, the Gemini akt on the arms. I
have alwus noticed that when a person haz twins the sighns are in the
arms.
_CLASS IN METAPHISICKS STAND UP._
_Teacher._ Which iz the most stubborist animile?
_Skoller._ The klam, he wont budge a bit!
_Teacher._ Who iz the most open gaited animile?
_Skoller._ The swine, he kan open enny kind ov a gate!
_Teacher._ Which iz the most sure footedest animile?
_Skoller._ The mewel, he kan hit a man twice in a seckond 10 foot oph.
_Teacher._ Who iz the most foolishest animile?
_Skoller._ The goose, he dont kno enuff to go in when it rains.
_Teacher._ Class in metaphisicks may set down.
31 Days.
DECEMBER.
1873.
Q.--What iz the hardest thing a man kan do? @ @ @
A.--Tend sumboddy else's baby. @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Hiz wife (God bless her) went out tew push,
And learn whi this waz sutch,
Joel dropt a tear, and sed,
"Hannah! I've swopt once tew mutch."_
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _BROOK TROUT._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ The fust | |
| 2| T || flea kaught | The principal importanse ov a |
| 3| W || 1210 @ @ @ | mistery iz the mistery itself,--what|
| 4| T || @ _bitter kold_ @ | makes a ghost so respecktable |
| 5| F || @ @ the flea | a karakter iz, that noboddy |
| 6| S || got away @ @ @ | ever saw one. |
| 7| G || @ _it snows_ @ now | |
| 8| M || assasinate hogs @ @ | |
| 9| T || @ Rachel Blood-good | * * * * * |
|10| W || born 1813 | |
|11| T || @ @ _the kold iz | |
|12| F || kold_ @ @ @ @ @ | Affektashun alwus looks well in |
|13| S || @ @ Rachel | a monkey. |
|14| G || waz a | |
|15| M || spinster @ @ @ | |
|16| T || @ @ _kolder_ @ @ | * * * * * |
|17| W || | |
|18| T || @ Rachel | |
|19| F || spun yarns @ @ | Trieing to define love, iz like |
|20| S || @ ice 2 foot thick | trieing tew tell how yu kum tew |
|21| G || on the level @ @ | brake thru the ice,--all yu know |
|22| M || _sumwhat kolder_ | about it iz, yu fell in and got |
|23| T || @ @ @ @ now | _ducked_. |
|24| W || attak buk wheat | |
|25| T || kakes @ @ @ @ | |
|26| F || ¶ _awful kold_ @ | * * * * * |
|27| S || @ @ @ hot | |
|28| G || lemonade | |
|29| M || diskoverd 1306 @ | A wize man never enjoys himself |
|30| T || @ _expekt snow_ @ @ @ | so mutch, nor a phool so |
|31| W || @ Good-bye @ | little, az when alone. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_SIGHNS AND WONDERS FOR THE YEAR 1874._
Whenever yu see a yung man hanging around a korner grosery, and drinking
3 cent gin every time he kan git enny boddy tew ask him, yu kan make up
yure mind that he haz bin unanimously nominated for the stait prizon,
and will probably git his elekshun.
* * * * *
Whenever yu see an old goose setting on a post hole, and trieing tew
hatch the hole out, yu kan cum tew the konklushun that she is strikly a
one idee goose.
* * * * *
Whenever a forlorn kat gits under yure windo, in a hot nite, and begins
tew holler, yu may kno that kat wants sumthing,--killing, probberbly.
* * * * *
Whenever yu see a dog stop suddintly, in the road, with a flee onto him,
and begin tew flea round, and round, after himself, untill he falls
down, and rools over, yu will say tew yureself, that dorg iz like the
wicked, he fleas, when no man perseweth.
_OIL OF KONSOLASHUN._
The "Josh Billings Allminax" iz one ov our tex books, at the Pordunk
Feminine Institoot.
_Mrs. Charity Skidmore, A.M._
* * * * *
Medisin Book--Ugh!!
_Spotted tail, Chief ov the Pawnees._
* * * * *
Full ov thought, full ov pathos, full ov phun.
_John Brace, L.L.D._
* * * * *
It's a big thing, bi Jupiter.
_Billy Murdok._
* * * * *
How spontaneous! How pathetic! How preponderating! How!--How are yu
Josh!
_Doktor Blake._
* * * * *
Oh yu pesky thing, Josh! yu are too killing.
_Sally Ann Sprauge._
_ADAM BILLINGS._
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Adam Billings waz the fust ov the Billingses. He waz verry phatt. Little
did he dream ov the glorious krop that waz a going tew spring up from
hiz sowing. He waz born, az near as i kan figger, about the year 1200,
more or less. Hiz temper iz represented az being az even az the figger
2. Hiz habits were az pure az the mountain dew; he never drinkt enny
spiritous rum, nor root elevators. He went barefutt untill hiz 32d year,
and ever afterwards luved the naked futt. He waz a good danser, and
realized thoze blessed old shake downs, now gone and fled. He waz named
after the original Adam, and iz sed, bi them who remember them both, tew
resembel him mutch in the kast ov hiz face. He waz too fond ov the
marvelous, he wouldn't tell a lie exackly, but he could cum az near tew
it, az a swallo kan to a frog's noze, when they skim a mud puddle. Adam
Billings iz now ded, i beleave, but if he aint, and this should meet hiz
eye, he kant, i think, but admire the square manner in which his luvely
relik haz handled his case. Adam Billings didn't leave much reputashun
behind him, but what he did leave, is fair tew middling. We nee'r shall
see him more. Probably not. Too true. Rather melankolly than otherwise.
* * * * *
_MORAL._
Thare iz naut so hard for grief tew handle,
Az the man whoze ribs are phatt 's a kandle.
Josh Billings, and the Yung Man.=
Yung Man, dont kry for spilt milk, but pik up yure pail, and milking
stool, and go for the next Cow.= Yures affekshionately, Josh Billings.
Tite Boots
Thare iz only one thing that kan be sed in favour ov tite Boots--they
make a man forgit all his other Sorrows.= Josh Billings.
31 Days.
JANUARY.
1874.
Q.--What iz ginger pop? @ @ @ @
A.--Gimnastic water. @ @ @
[Illustration: PODUNK SCHOOL]
_In Pordunk town thare lived a man,
A man ov small posseshion,
Hezekiah Birch waz hiz name,
A teacher bi profeshun._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KINDLING WOOD._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ @ _Now kold | |
| 2| F || weather_ @ @ | Snobs are alwus toadys. |
| 3| S || @ haz froze @ | |
| 4| G || @ @ the tender | |
| 5| M || bull frog @ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 6| T || @ @ up solid | |
| 7| W || @ @ @ and the | |
| 8| T || melodious goose | Diogoneze hunted in the da |
| 9| F || iz hush @ | time for an honest man, with a |
|10| S || @ in stillness | lantern; if he had lived in theze |
|11| G || @ @ and the | times, he would hav needed the |
|12| M || old she kat @ | hed lite ov a lokomotiff. |
|13| T || @ dreams beneath | |
|14| W || the @ @ | |
|15| T || cook stove @ and | |
|16| F || @ the luscious | * * * * * |
|17| S || slapjax smokes @ | |
|18| G || @ on the table @ | |
|19| M || | |
|20| T || @ @ @ and the | A pedant iz like a yung rooster, |
|21| W || Widow Stebbins' | he crows in season, and out ov |
|22| T || @ @ wood pile | season. |
|23| F || grows less @ | |
|24| S || every day | |
|25| G || @ @ @ and the | * * * * * |
|26| M || roze that @ @ | |
|27| T || @ all are praizing | |
|28| W || iz not the @ | Thare iz no kure for vanity, |
|29| T || roze for @ @ @ | gitting thoroly wet cums the |
|30| F || me @ or enny | nearest to it, for the time being. |
|31| S || other man!!! @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_ZEPHENIAH BILLINGS._
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Zepheniah Billings waz a phiddler bi birth and purswashun. He also had
another natral gift, and that waz tew owe everyboddy. Late in life he
quit phiddling, and took up shumaking; but the world lost a good phidler
bi the operashun, and got a kussid poor shumaker. Oh! 'tis ever thus. At
hiz final deth he owed upwards ov 70 dollars, and hiz leavings konsisted
ov one old phiddle, and a pint ov bass wood shupegs. He would travel on
foot 7 miles tew a kuntry tavern, and phiddle all nite at a kuntry bawl
for 75 cents, and owe the landlord two dollars and a half nex morning
for vittles and drink. Zeph' was an unprofitable man to know, for he
couldn't tend an evening meeting, on sunday, without running into det to
sumboddy. It waz sed ov him, that he waz never known tew shed a tear or
pa a det. He died finally, and i presume he was saved; but he may hav
bin lost, for accidents will happen in the uppermost familys. He had a
cool hed, and a warm harte. Bless Zepheniah Billings, he was a ripe
skollar on the phiddle, and could pla "_Tare her down Sal_," and sich
dear old sweet-savoured things, klean up tew perfekshun. He haz gone
now, allass! allass! but i am prepared tew say, in the language ov
another, "Bully for yu, Zepheniah!" All flesh iz grass. So iv'e bin
told. Funny. Mutch.
* * * * *
_MORAL._
To kure the fidgits and calm the bile,
The phiddle iz like kastor ile.
28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1874.
Q.--What iz man? @ @ @
A.--Live dirt. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_For twenty long and weary years,
He meekly workt for others good,
And well he taught the distrik skool,
Boardin round the naborhood._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _PLUM PITS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || Now marry @ now | Human natur iz like cow natur, |
| 2| M || thrash oats § now | i hav known them both tew giv a |
| 3| T || @ puntch fires @ | good mess ov milk, and then kik |
| 4| W || now ketch rats @ | it over. |
| 5| T || @ now eat @ | |
| 6| F || @ hash @ | |
| 7| S || @ now | * * * * * |
| 8| G || @ grease boots @ | |
| 9| M || @ @ now pla | |
|10| T || @ checkers @ now | I luv a phool, what little i kno |
|11| W || sing sams @ @ @ | i hav larnt by hanging around |
|12| T || @ @ now chew | them. |
|13| F || gum @§@ @ now | |
|14| S || [§§] kurl hair (!) | |
|15| G || now mux @ | * * * * * |
|16| M || @ sassage @ now | |
|17| T || @ jerk wood | |
|18| W || now kil duks @ | Munny makes munny. We all |
|19| T || ([@ @) now | ov us take our korn to the ritch |
|20| F || kil time †] @ now | miller tew hav it ground. |
|21| S || @ swop hens | |
|22| G || @ @ @ @ now | |
|23| M || yoke steers @ | * * * * * |
|24| T || now tell @ @ | |
|25| W || @ yarns--now | |
|26| T ||sighn the pledge [?] | Thare iz two kinds ov wize people |
|27| F || @ now go to bed @ | in this world, the _wize_ and the |
|28| S || | _unwize_. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_JEHOSSAPHATT BILLINGS._
HIS MEMORANDUM.
Jehossiphat Billings waz a very kluss man; he never waz known tew waste
ennything, by giving it away. The grate extravaganse ov hiz life, and
the one he never forgot tew speak ov, waz giving 3 dollars towards
bilding the Pordunk meetin hous. After he giv the munny, he took such a
deep interest in the work on the metin house, that the kommitty waz
obliged tew giv him bak the munny to git shut ov him. He swore he'd sue
them for the interest on the munny, but he never did. Jehoss' Billings
waz one ov them kind ov men who mistake avarice for ekonemy. He died at
the age of 63, if i hav sarched right, from an overdose ov klam chowder
drank at a free lunch. Jehossiphatt Billings had his phailings, but
rekless extravaganse want amung the lot, he also had his virteus, but
blind and irrepressible generosity want among this lot neither. He waz
buried, without eny fuss, in the year 1286. What has bekum ov him I kant
state. Sleep on, Jehossiphat, in thi slumbers. I would like tew say sum
more about Jehoss', but i kant without telling the truth. Truth iz
sumtimes like a hot pertato, the only way tew handle it eazy, is tew
drop it. I will dri up here. The end. Hush! Lay low.
* * * * *
_MORAL._
The klussest man i ever knu,
Waz Deakon Erastus Meggs,
Tew save expense, he oft would sett,
Hiz pullets on spile-ed eggs.
31 Days. MARCH. 1874.
Q.--What iz hash? @ @ @
A.--A konfidense game. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_He sawed the wood and bilt the fires,
And while the boys were playing,
Hurried, and swept the skool hous out,
And dun a little praying._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _SNAPPIN TURKLES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ @ Tell me | Humility iz cup bearer to wisdum. |
| 2| M || yee whispring | |
| 3| T || winds @ when @ | |
| 4| W || @ @ @ hens | * * * * * |
| 5| T || @ will lay @ | |
| 6| F || and | |
| 7| S || @ what will @ @ | Thare iz plenty ov pholks in |
| 8| G || be next @ @ @ | this world whoze hartes bleed for |
| 9| M || @ @ spring | the poor, but whoze pocket-books |
|10| T || the price @ @ | never do. |
|11| W || ov hay @ | |
|12| T || @ @ @ and | |
|13| F || tell me if @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|14| S || @ @ yu kan | |
|15| G || whare i will @ | |
|16| M ||@ @ find an honest | The man who iz willing tew |
|17| T || man @ @ and @ | help everyboddy (i am sorry to |
|18| W || @ also tell me @ | say this), iz willing tew be |
|19| T || @ whare all | cheated by everyboddy. |
|20| F || @ @ @ the modest | |
|21| S || wimmin are @ @ @ | |
|22| G || @ tell me @ @ | * * * * * |
|23| M || @ theze things | |
|24| T || and tell me @ @ | |
|25| W || @ true @ and | If i kan set the fashions for a |
|26| T || @ whispring | people, i dont kare who makes |
|27| F || winds @ @ @ | their laws. |
|28| S || @ @ i'll be @ | |
|29| G || @ mutch obliged | |
|30| M || @ to yu @ | |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_MELKISIDEK BILLINGS._
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Melkisidek Billings waz a dandy ov the old skool, and also a lover. He
loved the whole entire femail populashun. He parted hiz hare in the
middle, and did it unkommon even. He had one grate weakness which grew
on him, and that waz the length ov hiz little finger-nale. Historians
say that this finger-nale gru tew be a yard in length, but it strikes me
that this must be a profound lie. He waz a very punktillious man, in hiz
every-day wear, and drest chuck up tew the fashun. Melkisidek hadn't
mutch branes, but he didn't need much, for hiz bizzness thru life waz
the lover bizzness. Just before he died he marrid, and left one dauter,
a sentimental offspring, who afterwards run away, at the age ov 16, with
a dansing master. Mel' Billings waz ov the nuter jender, he hadn't
karakter enuff to do enny hurt, and ov kourse kouldn't do enny good. He
died about the right time, anno dominoze, 1695, and waz buried
comfortably in the grave yard, at lower Pordunk town. Melkisidek
Billings waz mi ansesstor, and that waz kind in him. He had an epitaff
on hiz stone which i dont rekolekt ov ever seeing in print before, and
for the benefit ov those who studdy theze memorandums i will translate
it. "_An honest man iz the nobless work ov God._" Good, aint it? Rather!
_MORAL._
Dandys are a harmless crew,
Ov the butterfly purswashun;
Happy with a nektie new,
Hero's ov sum small ockashun.
30 Days.
APRIL.
1874.
Q.--Define twins? @ @
A.--2 mutch. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_In this big, but pekuliar world,
Not a friend had Hezekiah,
The boys put pins into hiz chair,
And water in hiz hair diah._