front. How Aries, the ram, got into the zodiak bothers me to this day,
but he probably jumpt in out ov sumboddys back lot. This is all owing
tew bad fences. Aries waz born soon after the diskovery ov this world by
Kaptain Kook, the perambulator. Since the days ov Aries the hydraulik
ram haz been born, a very hard ram tew fleece. Aries haz the post ov
honor amung the sighns in the zodiak, and presides over the head ov the
human anatomy. This iz a just kompliment tew hiz kapacity for putting a
hed onto things. Aries, the ram, tho he haz no literary pretenshuns, haz
made menny brilliant hits in hiz day.
_TO MAKE GOOD MILK PUNTCH._
Take one quart ov red cow's milk.
Strain all the water out ov the milk.
Puntch the milk severely with santy cruize rum.
Ramify it well with white sugar.
Koruskate sum nutmeg on the brow ov it.
Drink tew the Amerikan Eagle standing.
(This recipee haz been in the Billings family going on 300 years, and iz
desighned for one person, and always hits the mark.)
[Illustration]
The Hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, and haz a
bizzness end to him.=
Respekfully, Josh Billings
[Illustration]
The cockroach dont liv on what he eats, but what he kan
git into, and often finding him ded in mi soup, i hav cum to the
konklushun, that he kant swim, but that he kan float for a long time=
Josh Billings
31 Days.
JANUARY.
1873.
Q.--What would be a good motto for a taylor? @ @
A.--Let her rip. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Joel Briggs waz born down east,
Hiz hight waz 6 feet 2,
Hiz panterloons waz striped,
And hitched beneath hiz shu._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KODFISH BAWLS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || @ _Bitter kold_ Ԋ | |
| 2| T || @ now @ | The intimacys ov old age seem |
| 3| F || the dog | tew konsist in drinking yung hison |
| 4| S || quaketh @ @ | tea together, and compareing |
| 5| G || _sighns ov thaw_ @ | gouts and rumatizms. |
| 6| M || @ now the | |
| 7| T || kat | * * * * * |
| 8| W || shivereth @ @ | |
| 9| T || @ @ _expekt kold_ @ | One ov the most reliable prophets |
|10| F || Ԋ now the snow | i kno ov, iz an old hen, for they |
|11| S || snoweth @ @ @ | don't prophecy enny egg, untill |
|12| G || @ _kolder but_ | after the egg haz happened. |
|13| M || @ _raw_ @ | |
|14| T || now | * * * * * |
|15| W || the | |
|16| T || crow | |
|17| F || croweth @ @ | I kno ov folks who are so |
|18| S || | kondem kontrary, that if they |
|19| G || @ _wind north_ @ | should fall into a river, they would|
|20| M || @ @ now the | want tew float up stream. |
|21| T || tarrier | |
|22| W || tareth @ | * * * * * |
|23| T || @ _more snow_ @ | |
|24| F || @ @ now the | Politeness iz not only the cheapest,|
|25| S || flea fleaeth @ @ | but the most powerful argument |
|26| G || Ԋ _kolder still_ @ | I kno ov. |
|27| M || @ now the | |
|28| T || spark sparketh @ | * * * * * |
|29| W || _expekt a thaw_ @ @ | |
|30| T || @ Jake Disbrow @ | Money well spent iz well |
|31| F || @ died 1824. @ | invested. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_FEBUARY MISSCELLANY._
TAURUS, THE ZODIAK BULL.
One ov the best behaved animiles in the whole zodiak is Taurus the
zodiak bull. He is alwus laying down flat sunning himself. He dont hav
ennything tew employ hiz mind with only in fli time. Fli time iz alwus a
bizzy time with Taurus. The bull down here nowdaze iz a sour headed old
codger who goes swareing up and down the turnpike about sumthing, but in
the daze ov Virgil he had golden horns, and poetry in hiz veins. Menny
folks hav asked me what on earth they wanted a bull in the zodiak for,
and i hav always sed, it waz just az necessary az tew hav bulls in Wall
street. This always seemed tew satisfy their questions prodigiously.
Taurus governs the nek in the sighns ov the zodiak, which haz giv rise
to that tender, and klassikal sentiment, called "_bull necked."_
_PERSONALS._
Dear One.--Enklosed please find 10 Dollars--if you kan.
RICHARD.
* * * * *
Kum home! kum home! mi dear husband, i freely forgiv yu for all i hav
did.
BETSEY.
* * * * *
Waz the lady in blue, who trod on the gentleman's toe in gray, in the
8th avenew kars last frida nite corned, or waz it the toe that waz
corned?--References exchanged.
PEDRO.
28 Days.
FEBUARY.
1873.
Q.--Who fust struk ile? @ @
A.--Joner. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Joel Briggs a pedlar waz,
A pedlar ov renoun,
He delt in tin ware and sitch,
And druv from toun tew toun._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KREAM PUFFS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ @ Goose yokes | |
| 2| G || fust discovered | If i had 4 fust rate dogs i would |
| 3| M || 1651 | name the best ov them "Doubtfull," |
| 4| T || _Kold and | and all the other 3 "Useless." |
| 5| W || shivery_ @ @ | |
| 6| T || @ @ Jane Brown | * * * * * |
| 7| F ||born 1826 @ @ | |
| 8| S || @ _Snow falls_ | Take all the phools and good |
| 9| G || Miss Jane Brown | luk out ov this world, and it would |
|10| M || waz a | bother the rest ov us tew git a |
|11| T ||woman's righter @ | living. |
|12| W ||@ _much koldness_ | * * * * * |
|13| T || @ now pan out | Thare iz az mutch difference |
|14| F || slapjax @ | between wit and humor az thare |
|15| S ||@ _big sno storm_ | iz between the ile and the essence |
|16| G || Pete Murdok | ov peppermint. |
|17| M ||died 952 @ | |
|18| T || _very raw_ @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| W || | |
|20| T || @ Pete Murdok | Whiskey friends are the most |
|21| F || died ov a | unprofitable ones i kno ov, they |
|22| S || broken harte @ | are alwus reddy tew drink with |
|23| G || _sour rain_ @ | yu, but when yu git reddy tew |
|24| M ||Pete Murdok broke | drink with them, they aint dry. |
|25| T || hiz harte trieing | * * * * * |
|26| W || tou lift a | |
|27| T ||meeting house @ @ | Ridikule that aint true haz no |
|28| F || @ _more kold_ @ | partikular power. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_MARCH MISSCELLANY._
CANCER, THE ZODIAK KRAB.
Cancer iz a hard sheld krab, and haz 2 sets ov leggs, which are lokated
on the starbord side ov their pussons. Cancer travels on hiz muscle, and
thare aint no individual sighn in the zodiak ov hiz size kan whip him. I
hav studdyed the krab clussly, and et him sloly, and I dont kno him yet.
Crabs bight with their feet, and hang on like the rumatiz. Biled krab is
good but a man must eat them bi the day, he would starve to deth eating
them bi the job. Krabs are kaught bi tieing a knot onto the end ov a
string, and dropping it down into the water whare the krab iz, and when
yu haul in the string, perhaps yu hav krab, and perhaps yu hav knot.
This iz the way a grate menny things in this world are not kaught. In
the zodiak Cancer rules the brest. I should rather hav a blister plaster
in mi buzzum than a krab or a cancer.
* * * * *
_WANTED BI A MIDDLE AGED MAN._
Enny one having a helthy goose, ov good moral karakter, will hear ov a
purchaser by addressing _Solaman Wainscote, Pordunk P. O._
The goose must be broke tew eat grass.
One that knoze how to lay 2 eggs a day prefered.
If the goose should be a leetle tuff, no matter.
What we want iz a smart goose, no kussid phool goose wanted.
31 Days.
MARCH.
1873.
Q.--Who iz the greatest hero ov modern times? @
A.--Josh Ward, heroed a mile in 4 minitts. @ @
[Illustration]
_Once hiz hoss had been a nag,
A trotting nag at that,
But now he waz a pelter,
And enny thing but phatt._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _HO KAKE._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || Tooth piks | |
| 2| G || fust used | A phools money iz like hiz |
| 3| M || 1190 @ @ @ | branes--very oneazy. |
| 4| T || @ @ _sum wind_ | |
| 5| W || @ James Gordon | * * * * * |
| 6| T || Bennet born | Thare iz this difference between |
| 7| F || 1802 @ | a _jest_, and a _joke_--a jest |
| 8| S || @ _rain with snow_ | may be kruel, but a joke never iz. |
| 9| G || @ Bennet | |
|10| M || is a | * * * * * |
|11| T || Herald @ @ @ | |
|12| W || | Sins are the only things that i |
|13| T || _kold but windy_ | repent ov, i never kould make |
|14| F || @ @ now | enny thing repenting ov blunders. |
|15| S || feel around for | |
|16| G || maple sugar @ @ | * * * * * |
|17| M || @ _wind aktive_ @ | |
|18| T || @ @ now | Human knowledge iz not very |
|19| W || lay in | komprehensiv after all,--i hav |
|20| T || early rumatiz @ @ | seen men who kould kalkulate an |
|21| F || @ @ _raw but kold_ | eklipse tew a square inch, who |
|22| S || @ Job was very | couldn't cum within 30 foot ov |
|23| G || billyus @ @ @ | harnessing a hoss. |
|24| M || @ _big rain_ @ @ | |
|25| T || Sampson waz a | * * * * * |
|26| W || strong man @ @ @ | |
|27| T || _wind shifts some_ | Flattery iz like ice kream, we |
|28| F || @ @ Sampson's | want it a leetle at a time, and |
|29| S || strength didn't lay | often. |
|30| G || in hiz | |
|31| M || karakter @ @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_APRIL MISSCELLANY._
VIRGO, THE ZODIAK VIRGIN.
One ov the best preserved females ov the age iz Virgo the Virgin. She
dont look an hour older than she did in the spring ov 1818 when i fust
saw her. Virgo haz lite blu eyes and yeller hair, and i should esteem
her to weigh about 117 pounds. Virgo haz menny admirers, and report sez,
she haz had menny good trades offered her (one waz a duke) but she
deklines matrimony. I congratulate her spunk. If she haz got a good lone
hand i like to see her play it, even if she gits ukered. I hope Virgo
will remain whare she iz for life, for she iz the only sighn in the
zodiak that i love tew witness. Thare iz one thing about Virgo that
pleazes me wonderful, and that iz, when the grecian bend waz raging on
earth, and crooking most all the other wimmin, she never bent a bit.
Hallelujah! for Virgo.
_TO KONTRAKTORS._
The widdo Betsey Brown will receive proposals sealed at her residence
No. 86 Hopvine St. for the next 90 daze.
Kontraktors must state their best offers.
Diagrams of the widdows looks kan be had at the above No.
The widdo reserves the privilege ov refusing all offers.
The highest Bidder gits the worm.
Agents needn't applikate.
30 Days.
APRIL.
1873.
Q.--Whi iz the kodfish like a sailor? @ @
A.--Bekauze he iz an old salt. @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_'Twas Joels way t' stop hiz kart,
At every hous and shop,
Fust tew tell a bit ov nuze.
And then propoze tew swop._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _SLAP JAX._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ @ Grecian bend | |
| 2| W || revived 1864 @ | When a man measures out glory |
| 3| T || _sighns ov spring_ @ | for himself he alwus heaps the |
| 4| F || @ @ @ @ the | haff bushel. |
| 5| S || cockroach cometh | |
| 6| G || up like a flower @ | * * * * * |
| 7| M || @ _liquid rains_ | A man may mistake hiz tallent, |
| 8| T || frogs now | but he kant mistake hiz genius. |
| 9| W || warble @ @ @ | |
|10| T || @ _sweet winds_ @ | * * * * * |
|11| F || now the goose | |
|12| S || skreameth @ | It is only a step from cunning |
|13| G || @ _wind sow east | tew dishonesty, but it iz a step |
|14| M || bi sow_ @ | that a man iz liable at enny time |
|15| T || | tew take. |
|16| W || @ now bury | |
|17| T || onion seed @ | * * * * * |
|18| F || _smart showers | |
|19| S || ov wet_ @ | Thare seems tew be a propriety |
|20| G || Mars waz | in all things--late experiments in |
|21| M || Juno's fellow @ @ | New York city hav proved the |
|22| T || @ _very warm_ @ | fact, that religion in a rat pit |
|23| W || @ all natur | iz a failure. |
|24| T || stands on tip toze | |
|25| F || _more showers with | * * * * * |
|26| S || sighns ov rain_ @ | |
|27| G || now lift lettiss @ | Style iz every thing for a sinner, |
|28| M || @ @ the pilgrim | and a leetle ov it wont hurt a |
|29| T || fathers @ | saint. |
|30| W || whare am they? @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_MAY MISSCELLANY._
SKORPIO, THE ZODIAK SKORPION.
Next to the hornet, the skorpion seems tew me to be pretty mutch all ded
loss. I never had mutch faith in enny kind ov a kritter who waz bilt
only tew bite. Skorpions do the best in a hot naberhood. If a man should
take all the skorpions in the world up into the northern part ov Nu
Hampshire he would loze money on them. They wouldn't thaw out thare in
time for bizzness. I never hav seen a skorpion only in the zodiak, and i
aint sorry for this. If thare should ever be a fite in the zodiak i hope
it will be krab and skorpion. This would be a fite in which no one would
care whitch whipt. I kant tell yu just now how the skorpion got aboard
ov the zodiak, but bi looking at hiz piktur i should say he stood 2 good
chances tew do it, one waz tew enter hed fust, and the other waz to
change ends and go in that way.
_FOUND._
A malteese soprano kat, about 12 months old, singing old hundred on a
picket fence, late last thursda nite, whichever person owns sed kat will
find him (or her, according tew circumstansis) in a vakant lot, just bak
ov our hous, still butiful in death.
_ALSO_,
Found an old blew kotting umbrel worth nothing, in place ov a nu silk
one worth 12 dollars and fifty cents, if the person who lost the blew
kotting umbrel bi finding the other one, hasn't had time enuff yet tew
repent ov hiz blunder, 60 days longer will be granted him tew weep over
the ackcident.
[Illustration]
Yung man, dont be afrade to blo yure own horn, but dont
blo it in front ov the proceshun, go to the rear and do it.=
Yure Uncle, Josh Billings.=
[Illustration]
The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansestors, often
wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.=
It iz truly thus, Josh Billings.=
31 Days.
MAY.
1873.
Q.--What iz a blunderbuss? @ @ @
A.--Kissing the wrong woman. @ @
[Illustration]
_Joel would swop for enny thing,
Tin ware for rags, or brass,
Jews harps for kats, brooms for beans,
Wood bowls for apple sass._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KOLD SLAU._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ Lap dogs | |
| 2| F || diskoverd 1310 @ @ | I don't kno az i want to bet |
| 3| S || @ @ @ _mild and | enny money, and give odds, on |
| 4| G || tender_ @ @ | the man who iz alwus anxious tew |
| 5| M || @ Kaptin Kidd | pra out loud every chance he kan |
| 6| T || was a | git. |
| 7| W || pirate @ @ @ @ | |
| 8| T || _plaintive showers_ | * * * * * |
| 9| F || @ @ Kaptin Kidd | A reputashun for happiness |
|10| S || sailed he did [(@ @)] | wants az mutch looking into az |
|11| G || @ _soft wind_ @ | a reputashun for honesty. |
|12| M || @ @ @ now mux | |
|13| T || in the | * * * * * |
|14| W || garden @ @ @ | |
|15| T || | When a man duz a good turn |
|16| F || @ Horace Greeley | just for the phun ov the thing, he |
|17| S || born 1812 @ | haz got a grate deal more virtew |
|18| G || _wet rains_ @ @ | in him than he iz aware ov. |
|19| M || @ @ now prepare | |
|20| T || for dandylions @ | * * * * * |
|21| W || @ _wind south_ @ | |
|22| T || Horace Greeley | Next tew the man who iz worth |
|23| F || iz a Tribune @ @ | a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz |
|24| S || @ _nobby showers_ | the man who don't kare a kuss |
|25| G || @ now sarch | for it. |
|26| M || hens for eggs @ @ | |
|27| T || @ _warm and pretty_ | * * * * * |
|28| W || @ @ @ frogs have | Self-made men are most alwus |
|29| T || come _soft winds_ | apt tew be a leetle too proud ov |
|30| F || @ Homer waz | the job. |
|31| S || quite a poet @ @ @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_JUNE MISSCELLANY._
KAPRIKORNUS, THE ZODIAK GOTE.
Kaprikornus the zodiak gote iz a sheep with hair on him, and kan eat
enny thing he kan swallow if it chokes him. They infest all over
kreashun, but are thikker in the upper part of Nu York citty ackording
tew populashun than otherwise. Their principal bizzness is tew fite, and
giv milk, they average about a quart ov milk, and four knokdowns a day.
They kant klimb a greast pole, but kan kreep up the side of a rok az
natral az a wood-bine kan. They hav a krak in their foot, and also one
in their voice, and a mustash on their bottom lip. Aries and Kaprikornus
are the two buts ov the zodiak. In the zodiak Kaprikornus governs the
kneeze, and people born under this sighn are apt tew be knok kneed.
_LOST._
A bright bay poodle dorg, 5 dollars reward, ov a warm natur, and no
questions asked, with one white foot behind, will be paid for hiz
return, when he stole away, with flowing ears, or waz strayed by
sumboddy, answers tew Kristopher Kolumbust, with a brass colar, exchange
papers pleaze copy, and haz a frantik tale.
30 Days.
JUNE.
1873.
Q.--How menny skruples in one dram. @
A.--This depends upon who takes the dram. @
[Illustration]
_His kart waz a karavan,
Piled hi with every kind
Ov dikker yu kould name,
Besides sumthin hitched behind._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KNUT KAKES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ Now snatch | |
| 2| M || @ cowcumbers | Silence iz one ov the lost arts. |
| 3| T || _sighns ov hotness_ @ | |
| 4| W || @ Mark Twain | * * * * * |
| 5| T || born 1839 @ @ | |
| 6| F || & _hotter_ @ | |
| 7| S || Mark iz a mello | When yu strike ile stop boreing; |
| 8| G || @ kuss @ | menny a man haz bored klean thru |
| 9| M || @ _showers ov rain_ | and let the ile run out at the |
|10| T || @ money iz tite @ | bottom. |
|11| W || @ _more warmer_ | |
|12| T || Venus waz a | * * * * * |
|13| F || hansum woman @ | |
|14| S || @ _mutch wet_ @ | |
|15| G || @ now dig | Human happiness iz like Josephs |
|16| M || for strawberrys | coat, a thing of menny colours. |
|17| T || _gentle wetness_ @ | |
|18| W || @ Job Potter died | |
|19| T || 1856 | * * * * * |
|20| F || _sighns ov thunder_ | |
|21| S || @ Job Potter died | Sin in the soul iz like a slivver |
|22| G || ov death @ @ | in the flesh; mortifikashun iz the |
|23| M || _more hotly_ @ | natral way tew git rid ov it. |
|24| T || @ now reap | |
|25| W || assparagrass @ | |
|26| T || @ _moist | * * * * * |
|27| F || wetness_ @ | |
|28| S || expekt | Love often changes coquetry to |
|29| G || muskeetoze. @ @ | sense, and prudery to sillyness. |
|30| M || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_JULY MISSCELLANY._
PISCES, THE ZODIAK FISHES.
Pisces are the only two fishes we hav enny account ov who hav bin able
tew swim on land and not tutch bottom. It iz now over 4000 years since
they cum ashore and took lodgings in the zodiak. It haz alwus been a
fish-bone ov kontenshun amung the natral philosophers whether they
belong tew the kodfish, or the sucker family. I hav bin asked mi opinyun
on this topick a 100 thousand times, but hav alwus maintained grate
solemnity on the subjekt. It is alwus mi way when i dont kno nothing
about enny thing, to look learned, and smile wisdum. Mi private opinyun
iz, that pisces iz a pikerel, or a porgy, or a perch, and weighed
originally about 9 pounds, but i dont want to bet on this. I kant tell
whether Pisces would bite on an angleworm or not, but i think thare iz
sum law aginst fishing in private ponds. Pisces iz a game fish, but what
hiz game iz i dont kno, but probably hi lo Jak, or draw poker.
_EPITAFF._
Here she lize--the queen ov pize,
Aunt Sally Ann Von Blixen,
Apple, and mince, kustard, and quince,
She couldn't be beat in mixen.
* * * * *
Sakred this spot--stir her up not--
Her grace all lay in pi fixen,
Better sa i--go without pi,
Than wake up this old vixen.
31 Days.
JULY.
1873.
Q.--What breed ov hens set the best? @ @
A.--Thoze without leggs. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_For 50 miles round about,
When Joel cum along,
The wimmin all tur ned out,
For swopping mity strong._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KORN BREAD._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ @ Kod fish | When a man gits tew talking |
| 2| W || balls invented | about himself he seldum fails |
| 3| T || 1620 @ @ @ | tew be eloquent, and frequently |
| 4| F || @ @ @ _sighns ov | reaches the sublime. |
| 5| S || heat_ @ @ @ | |
| 6| G || Elizibeth Spooner | * * * * * |
| 7| M || born | |
| 8| T || 1365 @ @ @ | |
| 9| W || @ @ _warm showers_ | The owl iz remarkable for two |
|10| T || Elizibeth Spooner | things, gravity and stupidity. |
|11| F || had the | |
|12| S || meazles @ @ | * * * * * |
|13| G || @ _warm but hot_ @ | |
|14| M || Elizibeth Spooner | |
|15| T || had the | Integrity in youth iz almost |
|16| W || meazles | certain tew bekum wisdum and |
|17| T || very thick @ | honor in old age. |
|18| F || @ @ @ _sighns ov | |
|19| S || thunder_ @ @ | * * * * * |
|20| G || @ @ @ now | |
|21| M || wean goslins @ @ | |
|22| T || @ @ _it rains_ @ | When a man iz thoroly lazy he |
|23| W || Old dog Tray | iz good for nothing, only to shoot |
|24| T || died 1492 @ @ | at. |
|25| F || @ _expekt litening_ | |
|26| S || now butcher | * * * * * |
|27| G || watermellons @ @ | |
|28| M || @ _intense hot_ @ | |
|29| T || @ Daniel Webster | Most people prefer the stuffing |
|30| W || studdid law @ @ | to the goose,--the word for the |
|31| T || | idee. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_AUGUST MISSCELLANY._
AQUARIUS, THE ZODIAK WATERMAN.
Aquarius duz the sprinkling pot bizzness for the zodiak. He kan be seen
enny klear day up in the zodiak laying the dust which the other
zodiakers kik up. He iz a quiet old gent about 5 foot 6, and wears a
wool hat, and a bull's eye watch. Who hiz ansestors waz no one kan tell.
He iz an old bachelor now, but they tell me, up in the zodiak, that he
alwus takes the most pains when he sprinkles in front ov Virgo. Thare iz
a tradishun in Pordunk, that Aquarius was once a tempranse lekturer, but
gitting too thin for the bizzness waz translated, and sot to sprinkling
in the zodiak. Aquarius haz charge ov the leggs amung the sighns in the
zodiak, and i notis that water iz better for the legs than sum other
fluids i know.
_EDUKASHIONAL._
CLASS IN BOTANY STAND UP.
_Teacher._ What kind ov a bird iz a Heron?
_Skoller._ A herring iz a small fish, az full ov bones az a fine tooth
comb.
_Teacher._ To what genus duz the Kat belong?
_Skoller._ The musikal genius, they _lay_ around daze, and chant around
nites.
_Teacher._ Which iz the wizest fowl?
_Skoller._ The owl sir, bekause he hoots at most things.
_Teacher._ What kind ov fish are plentyest in market during dog days?
_Skoller._ Smelts sir.
_Teacher._ Class in botany may set down.
31 Days.
AUGUST.
1873.
Q.--How menny geese duz it take to make a flok? @ @
A.--One would satisfy me. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Sheep skins, goose yokes, and frying pans,
Basswood cheeze from Goshen,
Bob sleds, brass rings, and bears ile,
Waz sum ov Joels noshuns._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _MILK TOAST._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ Now pluck | |
| 2| S || peaches @ | Suckcess iz quite often like |
| 3| G || @ _grate hotness_ @ | falling oph from a log, a man kant |
| 4| M || Andy Johnson born | alwus tell how he kum to did it. |
| 5| T || 1812 @ | |
| 6| W || @ _hot grows_ @ | * * * * * |
| 7| T || Andy waz a man | |
| 8| F || ov much | |
| 9| S || policy @ @ | Most enny boddy thinks they |
|10| G || _thunder and blixen_ | kan be a good phool, and they |
|11| M || @ now bull frogs | kan, but to play the phool |
|12| T || rejoice @ _wind | successfully, aint so natral. |
|13| W || south_ @ @ | |
|14| T || @ @ _hot grows | |
|15| F || bigger_ @ | * * * * * |
|16| S || Julia Pragg born | |
|17| G || @ 1830 @ | |
|18| M || @ _wind shifty_ | I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt |
|19| T || Julia waz a laundress | a man's sektarian views enny |
|20| W || @ @ _hot | quicker than i would tell him |
|21| T || wind_ | which road tew take at a 4 corners, |
|22| F || @ now the duk | when i didn't kno miself |
|23| S || quaketh @ @ | which waz the right one. |
|24| G || @ _much hotly_ @ | |
|25| M || @ behold the | |
|26| T || @ grasshopper @ | * * * * * |
|27| W || @ _sum lightning_ | |
|28| T || @ love | |
|29| F || lies | The truly great are alwus the |
|30| S || bleeding @ @ | eazyest tew approach. |
|31| G || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_SEPTEMBER MISSCELLANY._
SAGITTARIUS, THE ZODIAK BOMAN.