|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _PLUMB PUDDIN._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || | |
| 2| T || @ Now kount yure | If i waz a-going tew civilize a |
| 3| F || bees @ | parcel ov heathen (bi the job) |
| 4| S || @ _wet showers_ @ | on sum distant, far off, and remote |
| 5| G || expekt grass @ | ile, i should debate sum |
| 6| M || @ Mary Spalding | time in mi mind which tew send, |
| 7| T || born 1642 @ @ | an invoice ov dancing-masters or |
| 8| W || _warm, but sunny_ | missionarys. |
| 9| T || @ Mary Spalding | |
|10| F || waz a widder @ | * * * * * |
|11| S || @ _rain_ @ | |
|12| G || now plant tudstools | Hope haz made a grate menny |
|13| M || | blunders; but thare iz one thing |
|14| T || @ _hot, but cool_ @ | about her that I alwus did like: |
|15| W || all men were born | she means well. |
|16| T || free and equal @ | |
|17| F || @ _more warmy_ @ | * * * * * |
|18| S || Joner waz | |
|19| G || et bi | Most ennyboddy thinks he kan |
|20| M || a whale @ @ @ | keep a good hotel (and he kan); |
|21| T || @ _expekt rain_ @ | but this akounts for the grate |
|22| W || @ dandylions draw | number of kussid mean ones all |
|23| T || ni @ @ _hot_ | over the country. |
|24| F || _mildness_ | |
|25| S || now fall in love @ | * * * * * |
|26| G || @ _warm inkreases_ | |
|27| M || David Perkins | Whenever yu hear a man who |
|28| T || waz | alwus wants tew bet hiz bottom |
|29| W || a | dollar, you kan make up yure |
|30| T || hansum | mind that that iz the size ov hiz |
|31| F || man @ @ @ @ | pile. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR JUNE._
The male individual born during June will be one of 7 children, but not
the only one. He will hav 3 brothers, and one sister, who will marry a
hard shell baptist preacher. He will studdy law, and enter the profeshun
with gilt edge prospekts, but his fust klient being a counterfiter, whom
he succeeds in gitting clear, and receiving 50 dollars in counterfit
money for his services, disgusts him with the bizzness.
* * * * *
The female who appears on the platform this month will alwus hav cause
tew wonder whi she did it. Her father will be a skool teacher, and he
will bring her up in the distrikt skool bizzness. At 29 years and six
months she will marry, and will be well edukated in the dutys ov a wife,
for she will understand Daball's arithmetik, and parseing, just az eazy
az falling down the cellar stairs. She will hav but one son, and he will
be edukated oph from hiz feet at an early age.
_ANNOUNCEMENT EXTRORNARY._
(_Advertizement._)
Phelix Phungus (_dog dokter_), late ov the royal vetenary college, and
12 years in a doggery in the old country, offers hiz services tew the
Pordunk people. He kan remove fleas from a dog in 16 minnits; he kan
take the krook out ov a dog's tail in 13 minnits; he kan learn a dog tew
lie in front ov a fire all day in 12 minnits; he kan tell how fast a dog
kan run hitched tew a tin pail in 3 minnits; and kan tell how mutch
sassage he will make bi just hefting him. Consultashuns free.
P. P. D. D. PHELIX PHUNGUS, DOG DOKTOR.
30 Days.
JUNE.
1872.
Q.--Who waz the weakest man? @
A.--Fred Bennett couldnt lift hiz note for fifteen dollars. @
[Illustration]
_Mary Moore iz a farmer's lass,
She's winsum az a pozy;
The chap who ketches Mary Moore,
Wont be no kuntry josey._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _ROOTS_ AND _ARBS_. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ _Sweetly warm_ | |
| 2| G || @ now grab roses | 8 wont go into 6, and hav |
| 3| M || @ _frequent wet_ @ | ennything left over. Menny a |
| 4| T || John Smith born | yung phellow haz found out this |
| 5| W || in the year 4 @ | bi trieing tew git a number 6 boot |
| 6| T || @ _slitely hot_ @ | on. |
| 7| F || John Smith waz a | |
| 8| S || good investment @ | * * * * * |
| 9| G || _warm, but growy_ | |
|10| M || | Thare iz nothing a man will git |
|11| T || @ John Smith | so sick ov az too mutch molasses. |
|12| W || waz | (_Sweet girls, make a note ov |
|13| T || better than | this._) |
|14| F || kompound interest | |
|15| S || @ _now imbibe_ | * * * * * |
|16| G || _fragrance_ @ | |
|17| M || @ bully for John | Prudery iz often like the chesnutt- |
|18| T || Smith @ | burr: it duz seem as tho it |
|19| W || _warm, but wet_ @ | never would open, but by and by |
|20| T || @ Elihu Burritt | it yields tew the frost, and lets |
|21| F || waz a blacksmith @ | the fruit drop out. |
|22| S || @ _more rain_ @ | |
|23| G || now expekt | |
|24| M || snaiks § @ § | * * * * * |
|25| T || _sighns ov wet_ | |
|26| W || _moisture_ @ @ | I dont beleave in the final salva- |
|27| T || @ Horace Greely | shun ov all men, bekauze thare |
|28| F || iz | are so menny kases in which i |
|29| S || an | kant see how it iz going tew be |
|30| G || editor @ @ @ | made tew pay. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR JULY_.
The man mortal who cums tew the scratch this month will be a grate lover
ov politikal life, and after menny stormy trips will settle in hiz
natiff village a konstable, elekted by 19 majority. He will liv tew be
ripe with old age, and hiz posterity will wonder how he managed tew
spend a whole life in politiks, and keep out ov state prizon. (_Hiz
posterity probably aint aware that a term in state prizon iz a good kard
tew run for offiss on._)
* * * * *
The girl born this month will flash like a streak ov yello sunshine. She
will be sought after like the balm ov menny flowers. She will hav poetry
for breakfast, and spend the rest ov the day on zephyrs and chocalate
karamels. The man who gits her for a wife will change into a butterfly,
and the two will be seen, sum sweet nite this month, flieing away to the
song ov the crickets.
_ADVICE TEW YOUNG MEN._
Dont be diskouraged if yure mustash dont gro; it sumtimes happens whare
a mustash duz the best, nothing else duz so well.
Dont be afrade ov enny thing that iz honarable, and dont forget that the
best friend that God haz given enny one iz hiz conscience.
Larn tew wait!--this iz a hard gait for a yung man tew travel, but iz
the surest way tew git thare.
If you hav got sum wild oats (and a phew wont spile yu) git them in
arly, and sow them deep, so they will rot in the ground.
31 Days.
JULY.
1872.
Q.--Which are two ov the lost arts? @ @
A.--Modesty, and good home-made bread. @ @
[Illustration]
_To brake a mule, or yoke a steer,
Bob Fletcher waz a reddy lad;
He and his mother worked the farm--
Krewel deth had took away his dad._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _PICKLED TONGUE._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ @ _Hot_ @ @ | |
| 2| T || now lay in straw- | I look upon the north pole az |
| 3| W || berrys and kream @ | one ov them pekuliar spots ov |
| 4| T || @ _wind south_ @ | ground: if it aint never found, we |
| 5| F || @ Frank Stebbins | shant be none ov the wuss off; |
| 6| S || waz born this | and if it iz found, we shant be |
| 7| G || month @ @ | none the better off. |
| 8| M || @ _more heaty_ @ | |
| 9| T || @ Frank Stebbins | |
|10| W || waz a hoss-jockey | * * * * * |
|11| T || @ _now expekt_ | |
|12| F || _wet showers_ @ @ | I kant see what woman wants |
|13| S || @ Frank Stebbins | enny more "_Rights_" for; she |
|14| G || had a lemon- | beat the fust man born into the |
|15| M || colored mare @ | world out ov a ded sure thing, |
|16| T || | and she kan beat the last one |
|17| W || @ _hot, but wet_ @ | with the same kards. |
|18| T || @ this mare could | |
|19| F || trot suddenly @ | |
|20| S || @ _grate heatness_ | * * * * * |
|21| G || @ Abel waz a | |
|22| M || bachelor @ @ | |
|23| T || @ _inkreasing_ | The only thing which makes a |
|24| W || _warmth_ @ | mule so highly respektabel is the |
|25| T || @ now hunt | grate accuracy ov hiz kickings. |
|26| F || for | |
|27| S || thunder | |
|28| G || and | * * * * * |
|29| M || lightning @ @ | |
|30| T || @ hale columbus | Convince a phool ov hiz errors, |
|31| W || happee land @ | and you make him yure enemy. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR AUGUST._
The gentleman born this month will hav one eye to the main chance, and
the other eye on the collatterals. He will be sharper than good cider
vinegar, and will go at a transackshun like a skotch tarrier at a rat
hole. He will be az honest az a hornet, and make az few blunders. He
will liv tew be old. Hiz wife will die young--tired out trying tew keep
up with him.
* * * * *
The feminine creashuns ov this month will be grate admirers ov the
sterner sex. They will fall in luv easy, but will make az phew blunders
az enny other wimmin. They will be guided bi the impulses ov their
naturs, which in most wimmen iz a safer card than their judgements. If I
hadnt got one ov the best wifes that the world haz yet produced, I
should be inclined to ask (humbly) for one ov the _August-as_.
_TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONSARN._
(_Advertizement._)
Adam Dipthong (chicken champion) invites a discerning world tew peruse
hiz egg-dispensing poultry.
His "_Hail Columbys_," crossed on his "_Star Spangled Banners_," iz a
hen who, for purity ov step, swavity of plumage, and modesty ov
deportment, kant be beat.
His "_Last Roze ov Summer_," hiz "_Merry wives ov Windsor_," and hiz
"_Love lies bleeding_," az a style ov poultry, haz no competitors in the
whole horizon. His "_Kiss me Quicks_," chastised with a delikate
sprinkling ov his "_Meet me bi moon lite alone_," as pullets, hav alwus
stood the test; and az roosters, are alwus reddy "tew fite it out on
this line" (or enny other) "if it takes all summer."
31 Days.
AUGUST.
1872.
Q.--Who waz the fust brewer? @ @
A.--Satan; he brewed mischief. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Come, farmers all, both grate and small.
The fields with yello grain are wavy;
Bring out yure boys, and laffing galls,
And make the bukweat cry Peccavy._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _EGG NOGG._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ @ _Hot_ @ @ | |
| 2| F || @ Pete Whetstone | A man whom yu kan hire tew |
| 3| S || born 956 @ @ | work on a farm for nothing, and |
| 4| G || @ _hotter_ @ | board himself, will just about earn |
| 5| M || @ Pete waz a bare- | hiz wages. |
| 6| T || bak rider @ @ | |
| 7| W || @ _thunder and_ | |
| 8| T || _litening_ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 9| F || @ Pete rode the | |
|10| S || fust bear @ @ | |
|11| G || @ _hot grows wuss_ | A learned phool iz one who |
|12| M || @ @ now stab | haz read everything, and simply |
|13| T || suckers @ @ @ @ @ | remembers what he haz read. |
|14| W || @ _hot with rain_ @ | |
|15| T || | |
|16| F || @ kane kilt able @ | * * * * * |
|17| S || _now expekt mutch_ | |
|18| G || _warmth_ @ @ kane | |
|19| M || waz a stunner @ | The highest rate ov interest |
|20| T || @ _heat prickly_ @ | that we pay iz for borrowed |
|21| W || @ now eat kold | trouble. Things that are alwus |
|22| T ||vittles @ _heat biles_ | a-going tew happen, never do |
|23| F || @ O grave! whare | happen. |
|24| S || iz thi viktory? * | |
|25| G || _bigger hot_ @ Gen. | |
|26| M || Jackson waz a | * * * * * |
|27| T || dimokrat @ _hot_ @ | |
|28| W || and now beg for | |
|29| T || ise | I hav know people who had so |
|30| F || kream @ @ | little karakter that they didnt |
|31| S || @ _more heaty_ @ | even hav enny phailings. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR SEPTEMBER._
The man born this month will be what iz called a wit. He will be az
phull ov wit az a bottle ov ginger-pop. He kant hardly wait to hav the
cork pulled out, and when the cork iz pulled out it will take a 2 quart
bowl to hold a haff pint ov the phizz. He will make jokes which will be
az natral az blunders, and will keep hiz whole family (inkluding the
hired girl) betwixt a suprise and a guess. He will hav a house phull of
children, who will be the best jokes he perpetrates.
* * * * *
The lady born this month will be mistress ov the situashun. She will hav
menny admirers, but will lead them a dusty chase. After a while she will
marry, and bekum az serious az a white mice in a wire trap. Her husband
will be az proud of her az a third lutenant ov hiz fust epaulettes. Her
children will be brought up to toe the mark, and, tho different from all
the other wimmin in the naborhood, she will be admired more than
reproved.
_ADVISE TEW HOSS JOCKEYS._
Never swop hosses with a deakon--not if yu belong tew the same church he
duz.
If yu hav got a hoss that you ask 200 dollars for, and are offered 75
dollars for him, alwus sell him; dont spile a good hoss trade for 125
dollars.
If you should, bi acksident, git hold ov a sound hoss, git shut of him
az soon az yu kan, for yu wont be happy with him.
If, in swopping hosses, yu git kornered, and kant lie, postpone the
trade untill next day.
Noboddy ever expekts tew buy a hoss without gitting cheated; tharefore,
if a hoss jockey dont lie, he loses one ov his blessed privileges.
[Illustration]
Mice kan liv enny whare fust rate except in a
church.--they fatt very slo in a church.--this shows that they kant
liv on religion, enny more than a minister kan.
Yures. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
Whenever i see a real hansum woman engaged in the "wimmin
rights" bizzness, i am a going to take off mi hat, and jine the
proceshun.--
See if i dont. Josh Billings
30 Days.
SEPTEMBER.
1872.
Q.--Whi iz the meazles like fresh mackrel? @ @
A.--They run in schools, and hav tew be kaught before they can be had. @
@
[Illustration]
_Deakon John Jones waz a pius man,
But for one thing I kant lend praze;
'Twas asking pardon bekauze he swore,
When his old ram knokt him end waze._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _SLUNG-SHOT._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ _Mild, but gentle_ | |
| 2| M || @ Abram Tucker | I dont know how it iz with my |
| 3| T || born 1694 @ @ | brother-man, but with me the fall |
| 4| W || @ _soft winds_ @ | ov the Roman empire iz a grate |
| 5| T || @ Abram Tucker | deal eazier tew bear than a fall on |
| 6| F || fust eat pork and | the ice when it iz wet. |
| 7| S || molassis @ @ _now_ | |
| 8| G || _look for rain_ @ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 9| M || birds with feathers | |
|10| T ||flock togethers @ @ @ @ | |
|11| W || @ _it rains_ @ | Face all things; even adversity |
|12| T || @ now lay in fride | iz polite to a man's face. |
|13| F || oysters @ | |
|14| S || * _very pleasant_ @ | * * * * * |
|15| G || @ John Brown died | |
|16| M || 1861 * @ cloudy @ | Poverty kant be wuss, and may |
|17| T || | be better; riches kan be better, |
|18| W || @ John Brown | and may be wuss. The difference |
|19| T || died ov the thrut | iz in favour ov poverty. |
|20| F || disseaze @ | |
|21| S || @ _mild_ @ | * * * * * |
|22| G || now expekt early | |
|23| M || cider @ _showery_ @ | |
|24| T || @ sighns ov an arly | Whenever i see a man anxious |
|25| W || frost @ @ | tew git into the middle ov a fite |
|26| T || @ _wind east_ @ | that dont belong tew him, i am |
|27| F || now prepare | alwus anxious to hav him, for i |
|28| S || for | kno he iz sure tew be the wust |
|29| G || country | whipt man in the party. |
|30| M || cuzzins @ @ @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR OCTOBER._
The male man usherd into existence this month will be ov an enquiring
mind. The fust thing he will enquire for will be sum good cider. He will
studdy divinity at fust, but will quit that and bekum a konduktor on a
hoss rale-rode; this pays better, and haz more perquisites. He will
marry the woman ov his choice, which iz good, provided the choice iz all
right. His hair will turn grey before he dies, but after he dyes he will
hav black hair the rest of hiz days.
* * * * *
The woman born this month will be short ov stattue, and acquainted with
grief. She will want a grate menny things, in this world, that aint
handy tew be got. She will marry just about the right time, and
undertake tew liv with her mother in law, which iz a diffikult kontrakt
tew fill. The wimmin born this month are like a rhode island greening,
ripen slow, and are most delightful away long into the winter.
@ TO LET. @
_Enny person having an easy pill to take, that will restore a shatterd
reputashun, without change ov diet tew the pashunt, kan hav this
advertising space hily reazonable._
_Enquire of_
[Illustration: Bird sketch]
31 Days.
OCTOBER.
1872.
Q.--Whare did Adam strike when he fell? @ @
A.--On hiz kneeze, I hope. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Bukwheat kakes this month lay in,
Eat freely of pork and sassage;
Theze things kind Heaven givs to us,
Who in this world works our passage._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _FOOT PRINTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ _Kloudy, but cool_ | |
| 2| W || @ Joel Briggs born | If i had a boy whoze hair |
| 3| T || 1837 @ | would bedew that hair with a |
| 4| F || @ _warmer_ @ | parent's tear, and then giv up |
| 5| S || @ Joel Briggs waz | the boy. |
| 6| G || a tin pedlar Փ @ | |
| 7| M ||@ @ _sighns ov rain_ @ @| * * * * * |
| 8| T || @ beware ov grass | |
| 9| W || widders @ @ _snow_ | |
|10| T || _on the mountains_ | Hurry and dispatch are often |
|11| F || @ now count yure | confounded, but they are az unlike |
|12| S || rats @ _sharp frost_ | az the habits ov the pissmire |
|13| G || _last nite_ @ @ | and the ant. |
|14| M || @ whiskee iz a non | |
|15| T || konduktor @ | |
|16| W || | * * * * * |
|17| T || @ _snow falls_ @ | |
|18| F || Փ biled sassage | |
|19| S || iz good for the | Thare aint but phew men weak |
|20| G || tooth ake @ @ @ | enuff tew admit their jealousys; |
|21| M || @ _wind bracing_ @ | even a disgraced rooster in a barn- |
|22| T || @ now enquire | yard will git a leetle further off |
|23| W || for cider @ | and begin tew crow up a new |
|24| T || @ _colder_ @ | reputashun. |
|25| F || @ @ Enok waz | |
|26| S || translated Փ @ | |
|27| G || @ _frosty_ @ | * * * * * |
|28| M || @ so | |
|29| T || waz | Cunning, at best, only duz the |
|30| W || Homer | dirty work ov wisdum; tharefore |
|31| T || translated @ @ | I dispize it. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR NOVEMBER._
The gentleman born this month will be a hard worker, but phond ov old
wine. He will forgit tew pay sum ov hiz debts, but will hav a blue eye,
and be a good singer. He will marry between 18 and 45, and be an
excellent judge ov hash on toast. He will liv a grate length, and reach
deth by a cirkuitous route.
* * * * *
She who cums tew see us this month will be az welkum az a dandylion in
the buzzum of winter. She will be a dutiful dauter, a warm-harted
sister, a tender mother, and a handsum wife--(Kind Heaven! send us az
menny ov this sort az convenient.)
_ADVICE TEW YUNG DOKTORS._
Hire an offiss on the main street of the village, and stay in the
offiss.
When yu do go out, alwus go on the jump.
Dont never talk mutch on enny subjek, but alwus look kussid misterious.
Seldum go tew church, but when yu do, alwus leave before the church duz.
Charge everyboddy like thunder and litening.
If yu pholler theze rules clussly, and don't suckceed, yu kan kum tew
the konklushun that the doktrine bizzness ain't so good as it waz last
year.
30 Days.
NOVEMBER.
1872.
Q.--Who waz the best-preserved woman that ever lived? @ @
A.--Lot's wife. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Jane Lovell waz a farmer's wife,
A wife waz she wuth having, too;
For when Jane Lovell rooled up her sleeves,
Things round that hous begin tew flew._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _TIT BITS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ _Sour, but kold_ Ԃ | |
| 2| S || @ remember Lot's | A dandy in love iz in just about |
| 3| G || wife @ @ _raw_, | az bad a fix az a stik ov mollassis |
| 4| M || _but sour_ Ԃ | kandy that haz begun tew melt. |
| 5| T || @ Lot's wife waz | |
| 6| W || the psalt ov the | * * * * * |
| 7| T || earth @ | |
| 8| F || @ _more sour_ @ | The meanest kind ov a loafer |
| 9| S || @ all good wives are | iz he who iz willing tew be abuzed |
|10| G || @ _more raw_ @ | by every one for the privilege ov |
|11| M || Ԃ Adam Sturgis | abusing others. |
|12| T || born 1853 @ _windy_ | |
|13| W || @ Adam Sturgis | * * * * * |
|14| T || waz a twin @ @ | |
|15| F || @ _rain, mixt with_ | |
|16| S || _snow_ @ @ now @ | Curiosity had twins; one waz |
|17| G || psalt sheeps @ | _Invenshun_, the other waz _Stick- |
|18| M || @ _wind bights_ Ԃ | Yure-Noze-Into-Things_. |
|19| T || multiplika- 0000000 | |
|20| W || shun table 00 | * * * * * |
|21| T || diskovered ------- | |
|22| F || 1215 @ @ 0000000 | |
|23| S ||_more kold_ @ 0000000 | Deth iz an arrow shot into a |
|24| G ||the multi- --------- | krowd; the only rezon whi it hit |
|25| M || plikashun 000000000 | another iz bekauze it missed us. |
|26| T || table iz | |
|27| W || hard tew beat @ @ | * * * * * |
|28| T || @ sour rain Ԃ | |
|29| F || @ Bill Adams waz | Arly genius iz like arly cabbage: |
|30| S || a free mason @ | it dont apt tew hed well. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR DECEMBER._
The man born this month will hav a sanguine temprament. He thinks he iz
in luv with every woman he meets, and wont git married till late in
life. When he duz git wedded, he is a-going tew wed a woman who haz been
playing the same game he haz--falling in love with every man she meets.
They are both ov them going tew git cheated the wust way.
* * * * *
The girl born this month, tho late in the season, is a-going tew ketch
up before she gits through. She wont remane single, and iz a-going tew
be a leetle diffikult tew manage double. She will see Naples, but iz too
smart to die right off on that account. She will admire menny men, but
will love but one, and that iz her husband. If her husband iz smart
enuff to know this, they will travel through life like 2 pigeons.
_SIMPLE REMIDIZ._
Tew kure the bight ov a krab, soke the krab's feet in bileing hot water.
* * * * *
Tew find the kontents ov a gallon ov whiskee, multiply a pint ov fusil
ile bi 8 pints ov Venice turpentine.
* * * * *
Tew kure the gout, liv on Boston krackers, and saw wood for 25 cents a
kord.
* * * * *
Tew make a goose good eating, bring her up tenderly.
* * * * *
Tew keep kats from being et up bi rats, muzzle the rats.
31 Days.
DECEMBER.
1872.
Q.--How did robins git their name? @ @ @ @
A.--By robin cherry-trees. @ @ @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_The farmer leads an eazy life,
12 hours a day ends hiz labors,
Evenings pares apples for cider sass,
Or hauls over the coals hiz nabors._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _GIN_ AND _MILK_. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ @ _Kold and | |
| 2| M || snowsome_ @ | How fast will the "_comeing_ |
| 3| T || @ Yankee doodle | _man_" probably travel? I kant |
| 4| W || born 1659 @ | tell to a dot; but if he kant beat |
| 5| T || @ _mutch kold_ @ | 2.25, he better stay whare he iz. |
| 6| F || @ Yankee doodle | |
| 7| S || still livs @ | * * * * * |
| 8| G || _snow 60 foot deep_ | |
| 9| M || @ Yankee doodle | A man with a phew branes iz |
|10| T || iz | like a dog with one flea on him-- |
|11| W || a lively cuss @ | dredful oneazy. |
|12| T || @ _grate kold_ @ | |
|13| F || @ now hammer | * * * * * |
|14| S || @ grate kold @ | |
|15| G || @ _kolder_ @ | Be humble, and yu are sure |
|16| M || expekt sla rides @ | tew be thankful; be thankful, and |
|17| T || | yu are sure tew be happy. |
|18| W || @ _sharp, but kold_ | |
|19| T || @ thou shalt | * * * * * |
|20| F || not | |
|21| S || covet thi nabor's | The more yung ones in a family, |
|22| G || jackass @ | the eazier they are tew raize. |
|23| M || @ _snow inkreases_ | One chicken alwus makes more |
|24| T || @ now murder | klucking for a hen than a dozen |
|25| W || hogs @ | duz. |
|26| T || @ _wind shifty_ @ | |
|27| F || @ now tear up | * * * * * |
|28| S || wood @ | |
|29| G || @ _big kold_ @ | Blessed iz he who kan pocket |
|30| M || @ the grass hopper | abuse, and feel that it iz no |
|31| T || haz fled @ @ @ | disgrace tew be bit bi a dog. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_AGRIKULTIBUSS._
1st. Skarsity beets are the hardest kind ov beats to beet; their grate
skarsity makes them beet all other kind ov beats.
* * * * *
2d. Turnups should be planted near the top ov the ground, if yu want
them tew turn up good.
* * * * *
3d. Egg plants iz good, but eggs sot under a stiddy hen will produce
more chickens than they will tew plant them.
* * * * *
4th. Potatoze are gennerally a helthy krop, but they are liable tew hav
weak eyes.
* * * * *
5th. Cowcumbers do the best in a lot bi themselfs; it aint best tew
cumber up a kitchen gardin with cows.
* * * * *
6th. Oats will gro on sum warm land, but tew yield well they hav got tew
be thrasht; it iz jiss so with beans, only beans has got to be poled
fust, and thrasht afterwards.
* * * * *
7th. Rye duz the best on a dry and thirsty sile, espeshily old rye; too
mutch water will drown out old rye.
* * * * *
8th. Tud stools will do well on a wet earth; so will tuds; but
woodchucks must hav a gravelly sile.
_SUM WEATHER._
SINOPSUSS OV PROGNOSTIKATED EVENTS.
The byrometer will rize very sudden this morning at Pordunk, 3 foot, and
fall the like amount at Sakramento City. The diffikulty in the weather
for the last 2 days, which haz predominated at Boston and around New
Orleans, waz owing tew the byrometer at Pordunk being took down and sent
tew the blacksmith's shop for repairs.
Clear weather haz existed at Goose kreek, and northwest ov Montreal,
with a growing tendency tew wind gustiness.
_PROBABILITIZ._
Ambrozial weather will permeate all around Pordunk for the next 16
months, with rain and snow; and all sorts ov stuff in the ballance ov
the United States of America.
The probabilitiz iz that the abuv probabilitiz will assimilate themselfs
tew the principal probabilitiz in the case.
If they don't, du notiss will be giv.
In the mean time be kalm, be dignified, and don't be skeered.
_JANUARY MISSCELLANY._
ARIES, THE ZODIAK RAM.