|@ | @ || _History._ | _BEEFSTAKE AND ONIONS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || _Gentle frost_ @ |Thare aint but phu men who |
| 2| M || @ cider invented |kan stick a white hankerchief into |
| 3| T || 1536 @ _sighns |the brest pocket ov their overcut |
| 4| W || ov snow_ @ _wind_ @ |without letting a leetle ov it |
| 5| T || _shifty_ @ _it may |stick out,--just bi acksident. |
| 6| F || snow, and it may | * * * * * |
| 7| S || not_ @ _calm |A cheerful old man, or old |
| 8| G || coldness_ @ now |woman, iz like the south side ov |
| 9| M || potatoes dig @ _wind_ |a wood shed, in the last ov |
|10| T || @ _nor by |winter. |
|11| W || nor west_ @ | |
|12| T || @ David slewed | * * * * * |
|13| F || Goliar | |
|14| S || _cooler_ @ with a | Men mourn for what they hav |
|15| G || small rock @ hens |lost, wimmin for what they |
|16| M || begin to lay @ |hain't got. |
|17| T || | |
|18| W || _snow squalls_ @ | * * * * * |
|19| T || _cold_ @ let it | It iz very eazy tew repent ov |
|20| F || squall who cares @ |sins we hav committed, but to |
|21| S || |repent ov thoze we intend tew |
|22| G || @ @ Eve waz the |commit, iz asking too mutch ov enny |
|23| M || first woman @ |man theze days. |
|24| T || _raw cold_ @ @ | |
|25| W || who fooled | * * * * * |
|26| T || her man | |
|27| F || | Pitty costs nothing,--and aint |
|28| S || _sharp frost_ @ | wuth nothing. |
|29| G || | |
|30| M || @ down with @ | |
|31| T || @ the taxes @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE THOUGHTFUL FOX._
The Fox iz a literary bird; he waz a genius long before akedemick honors
flourished; he waz a poet, skoller, and sage, before the days ov Homer
and Herodotus; and in our times he iz the Ben Butler ov diplomacy, and
the Brigham Yung ov matrimonial ethicks. The fox haz no moral honesty
but he haz got a grate supply of _politikal honesty_. If another Fox in
hiz parish wants a good phatt goose, he will work hard tew git him the
goose, and having cleaned the meat all oph from the subburbs ov the
goose, giv hiz politikal friend the bones, telling him with a smile in
hiz eye, "_that every thing iz lovely and the goose hangs hi_."
[_Advertisement._]
_MADAM FILKINS LIQUOR FOR BABES._
Cures hooping coff, meazels, pane in the side, mumps, teething, cancer,
rickets, redgum, and bawling.
Cures gout, hang nails, _wont go tew sleep_, stummak ake, and _want
every thing they see_.
Removes warts, wens, wigglings, an wizenface.
Mothers lament for Madam Filkins liquor for babes.
Babes bawl for it.
Nurses pray for it.
Fathers buy it bi the barrell.
30 Days.
NOVEMBER.
1871.
Q.--What iz ginger pops? @ @ @ @
A.--Gim-nastick water. @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_The bullfrog haz hung up hiz fiddle,
The bug and the cricket are still;
No more can be heard in the marshes,
The musketo fileing hiz bill._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| @| @ || _History._ | _SLAP JACKS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || _Sour and_ @ | |
| 2| T || @ _sad_ @ | A dog iz the only thing on this |
| 3| F || grate skassity ov | earth that luvs yu more than he |
| 4| S || grasshoppers @ | luvs himself. |
| 5| G || _sour and_ @ @ | |
| 6| M || _chilly_ @ | * * * * * |
| 7| T || Brigham Young | Lies are like illegitimate children,|
| 8| W || born 1818 @ | liable to call a man _Father_! |
| 9| T || _cold_ @ _Brigham_ | when he least expekts it. |
|10| F || was a _youngster_ @ | |
|11| S || _snow on the_ | * * * * * |
|12| G || _mountains_ | A gentleman iz a gentleman the |
|13| M || @ in time of | world over,--it iz only the loafers |
|14| T || peace | that differ. |
|15| W || prepare for | |
|16| T || war @ | * * * * * |
|17| F || _raw rain_ @ @ | |
|18| S || @ now lay in | What men kant do they are |
|19| G || a bad cold @ | very apt tew admire,--they dont |
|20| M || for winter @ | criticize a mountain bekause they |
|21| T || @ _it snows_ @ | kant make one. |
|22| W || the festive | |
|23| T || cockroach | * * * * * |
|24| F || haz fled @ | |
|25| S || | Sekrets are cussid poor property |
|26| G || @ winter draws | enny how; if yu cirkulate them |
|27| M || ni @ _cold and_ | yu loze them, and if yu keep them |
|28| T || _clammy_ @ kats | yu loze the interest on the |
|29| W || swell with | investment. |
|30| T || crossness @ @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_KALKULASHUNS OV A PROGNOSTIX NATUR._
Whenever yu see a flok ov geese all standing on one leg, except the old
gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look out for a south-west wind tewmorow,
or the next day, or the day after, or at sum fewter time.
Should thare be cold weather during Febuary, and should roosters refuse
to crow, and the taxgatherer forgit tew call on yu, yu will hav tew
trust in Providence, and go it blind, for thare aint no man kan
prognostix what will cum next.
Whenever dogs are seen travelling around with nothing to do and old
maids refuse their tea, and hop vines wont klimb, and grind stuns wont
grind, then yu may expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont pay for
harvesting.
If the sun rizes in the east, and sets in the west, and the bull frogs
sings sams in the marshes, and thare aint no pulling hair in the family
circle, things are about az near right az yu can git them.
Should there be no dew on the grass, in the morning before sunrise, it
iz an infallible prognostix, that thare didn't enny dew fall.
Whenever yu see two crows on the railfence, one white and the other
black, edgeing up to each other, look out for a nigger in the wood
pile.
31 Days. DECEMBER. 1871.
Q.--What is pity? @ @ @ @ @
A.--Cheap charity, @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now kil pigs and bucher hens,
Murder geese and ducks that quack,
Chop down wood, and sassage make,
And evenings play----Hylojack._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _OYSTER PADDYS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ 1871 haz | One ov the fussyest scenes i |
| 2| S || about pegged | ever beheld waz two old maids |
| 3| G || out @ | waiting on one sick bachelor. |
| 4| M || _bitter cold_ @ @ | |
| 5| T || @ Homer waz a | * * * * * |
| 6| W || good poet | |
| 7| T || eggs dredful | Revenge iz just az natral to |
| 8| F || uncommon @ | flow az milk,--yu will see little |
| 9| S || _grate sno storm_ @ | boys club the post that they bump |
|10| G || @ Congress iz a | their head against. |
|11| M || sitting @ @ | |
|12| T || _cold_ @ but don't | * * * * * |
|13| W || @ hatch out ennything | |
|14| T || @ _wind_ | Opinyuns are like turnips, worth |
|15| F || _north_ @ @ | just what they will fetch. |
|16| S || beware of false | |
|17| G || proffits _ice iz_ | * * * * * |
|18| M || _from 12 inches to_ | |
|19| T || _a foot thick_ @ @ | Courage without discreshun, iz |
|20| W || Soloman waz a | like a ram with horns on both |
|21| T || smart man @ | ends, he will hav more fights on |
|22| F || @ _sighns ov a thaw_ | hand, than he kan do justiss to. |
|23| S || he waz a good | |
|24| G || judge ov the sex @ | * * * * * |
|25| M || _colder_ @ the | |
|26| T || year drops its | When yu find a man who iz |
|27| W || curtain @ _the wind_ | very solisitus about the welfare ov |
|28| T || _moans_ @ farewell | everyboddy, yu kan safely put him |
|29| F || my countrymen @ | down az one who iz hunting for a |
|30| S || | misfortune. |
|31| G || | |
+--+---+-------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_LETTER TO FARMERS._
_Beloved Farmers_:
Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov
gardin sass.
Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the
kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.
Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir
up the geese and worry the hogs.
Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git
ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up
the hogs and worry the geese.
The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in
the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake,
he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.
What iz a lawyer?--What iz a merchant?--What iz a doktor?--What iz a
minister?--I answer, nothing
A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the
morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels,
and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.
Beloved farmers, adew.
Josh Billings.
_EXTRAKT OV LETTERS_.
_Fredom Senter, Nov. 17th, 1870._
FRIEND BILLINGS:
Thi Allmanax for 1871 waz good for the flesh, az well az for the soul ov
man; it fatted me distinktly on the ribs. _I remane thine._
_Obadiah Broadbrim._
* * * * *
MR. BILLINGS:
We shall hereafter embody yure Allmanaxes in our journal.
_Editor of London Athaneum._
* * * * *
DEAR JOSH BILLINGS:
Enklosed in this letter, yu will find 17 cents for one allmanaxt; i am
poor, and this iz all the money i hav got, and i haint got no live
mother.
_Charley Briggs, Jun._
* * * * *
_Klamburgh, Oktober 30, 1870._
DEAR MISSER JOSH:
The lor bles yuse, and yuse allmanaksts for 1871; it made dis chile
perspire gratuitussly wid bliss.
Yure cullud person friend,
_Josepheen Johnsing._
* * * * *
MISTER JOSHUA BILLINGS:
I hav both ov yure 2 allmanaxes for 1870 and 1871, and wish yu would
send me bi the barrow yure allmanaxes for 1872 and 1873 and 1874,
exklusive. I will emit the munny in a fu daze. No more now from yure
loveing friend, _Jerusha Sheldon_, dauter ov widdo Sheldon, near
Spraker's Mill, on the Coshokton pike.
_HOROSKOPE FOR JANUARY._
The yung gentleman born this month will remane a bachelor untill hiz 16
year, and will hav kurly hair. He will finally settle down still, and
marry for life. Hiz father will be a grate lover ov phast horses. He
will liv tew be over 60 years ov age, and die worth about 750 dollars,
klear ov awl debt.
* * * * *
The yung lady born this month will kno how tew pla on the pianner, and
nit worsted. She will be a blondy, and be near sited, and fall in luv
with grate diffikulty. She will finally git wedded tew the man she
marrys, and her whole life will be eazy. If she marrys the seckond time
her husband will be a dentist or an alderman.
_ADVICE TEW YUNG KLERGYMEN._
Dont preach the gospel for less than 850 dollars a year, salary payable
quarterly in advance.
A congregashun who kant afford tew pay 850 dollars a year, want a
missionary more than they do a klergyman.
Be sure and run the church; don't let the church run you.
Az i sed up at the top, git az mutch ov yure salary az possible in
advance, for i dont kno ov enny det so hard tew kollekt az a minister's
salary, after it once gits kold.
[Illustration]
It iz so eazy to advise another fellow to set down in a
dentists chair, and hav a big dubble tooth jerkt out, that i hav often
wondered whi we didn't try it ourselfs.=
Less so. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
I say to 2 thirds ov the ritch people in this world--make
the most ov yure money, for it makes the most ov yu.=
Happy thought.--Josh Billings
31 Days.
JANUARY.
1872.
Q.--Who had the best artikle ov pashunce? @ @
A.--Job. His pashunce waz biled down to a spot. @ @
[Illustration]
_A stirring man iz nabor Bush,
Yu never ketched him idle;
Six daze he works, and sundaze he
Salts geese, and reads the bible._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _RAMRODS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ Now pik geese @ | Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but |
| 2| T || @ _awful_ | vanity alwus keeps _one I_ open. |
| 3| W || _kold_ @ @ | |
| 4| T || | |
| 5| F || thou shalt not | * * * * * |
| 6| S || commit | |
| 7| G || swareing @ | Thare iz nothing in this world |
| 8| M || @ @ _more sighns_ | that a man pays so hi a price for, |
| 9| T || _ov kold_ | and gits so little ov hiz munny |
|10| W || @ @ now bruize wood | back, as he duz for Repentance. |
|11| T || @ _it iz kold_ @ | |
|12| F || @ Jim | * * * * * |
|13| S || Sheriden | |
|14| G || born 1818 @ | I hav finally cum tew the |
|15| M || _now expekt_ | konklushun, if a man kant be born |
|16| T || _a thaw_ @ | but once, he had better issue |
|17| W || @ Jim | proposals tew hav it dun sumwhare |
|18| T || waz a | in Nu England. |
|19| F || fiddler @ @ | |
|20| S || @ _it duz thaw_ @ | |
|21| G || @ thare are no | * * * * * |
|22| M || fiddlers | |
|23| T || in heaven @ | The only human being on the |
|24| W || _thaw kontinues_ @ | face ov this earth that I really |
|25| T || in kase ov | envy, iz a laffing Christian. |
|26| F || doubt, lead | |
|27| S || trumps @ | * * * * * |
|28| G || @ _the thaw freezes_ | |
|29| M || @ now | Men ov little authority are like |
|30| T || mix | men ov little strength--alwus |
|31| W || sassige @ @ @ | anxious tew lift sumthing. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR FEBUARY._
The man born this month will be good looking, but too mutch prone tew
toe in when he walks. He will hav 2 wifes, and a small hand, except when
he plays whist; then he will hav a big one. Hiz fust wife will be
kross-eyed, but hiz seckond one will be kross all over. He will hav 4
children, who will all pass through the meazles, with grate credit tew
themselfs and no disgrace tew the meazles.
* * * * *
The yung female born during this month will show grate judgement in
sorting her lovers, and will finally marry a real estate agent. She will
hav a phew failings; but who cares? she wouldn't be interesting if she
didn't. At 28 she will be a widow, and at stated intervals will be
inklined tew gush a little. (_For the sake of variety we say, let her
gush._)
* * * * *
_A GOOD FAMILY JOB._
(_To kure bed bugs._)
Bile the bed bugs tew a gravy; then take equal parts ov sassyfrass rutes
and mingle with the gravy; then find a hoel in the ground that aint
occupied; then pour the gravy into the hoel; then fasten up the hoel
with 2 pounds ov gunpowder; then tutch off the hoel with a 10 foot poel;
then run like litening. If this don't kure the bed bugs, and the hoel
too, they hav both got it the natral way, and kan't be healed.
29 Days.
FEBRUARY.
1872.
Q.--What iz the surest gait on the road? @ @
A.--A toll-gate. @ @
[Illustration]
_Sim Blodget waz an awful brag,
Alwus telling sumthing or nuther,----
"Square Brown and he kept 60 cows!"
The square kept 59, and Sim the tuther._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _THISSELS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ _Kold, but sharp_ | Thare iz two kind ov men that |
| 2| F || @ @ When this | i dont kare to meet when i am in |
| 3| S || yu see, remember | a grate hurry: men that i owe, |
| 4| G || me @ @ | and men that want to owe me. |
| 5| M || _sighns ov kold_ @ | |
| 6| T || now puntch | * * * * |
| 8| T || _weather inkreases_ | Jokes are like butternuts. To |
| 9| F || @ @ Dave Larkin | be good, they musn't be cracked |
|10| S || born 1763 @ @ | flatways. |
|11| G || | |
|12| M || @ _wind north_ @ | * * * * * |
|13| T || Dave Larkin | |
|14| W || waz | |
|15| T || a | It iz just az natral tew be born |
|16| F || hoss jockey @ | poor az tew be born naked, and |
|17| S || _snow, mixt with_ | it iz no more disgrace. |
|18| G || _kold_ @ | |
|19| M || Dave Larkin delt | * * * * * |
|20| T || in | |
|21| W || saw-hosses @ | Truth iz like the burr docks on |
|22| T || _kold, but bitter_ @ | the end ov a cow's tail: the more |
|23| F || @ Oh! cockroach, | she shakes them oph, the less she |
|24| S || whare iz | gits rid ov them. |
|25| G || thine | |
|26| M || sting? @ | * * * * * |
|27| T || _kold gits more so_ | |
|28| W || @ now giv in | I think young coxcombs end |
|29| T || marriage @ | their lives az old sloven. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR MARCH._
The man born this month will be inklined tew blow a little. He will be a
domestik man, and will kno how to rok the kradle and pare potatoze. He
will marry the only daughter of a widdo, and will be a good judge of
mothers-in-law. He will die about the usual time in life, and leave a
house and lot, with a small mortgage on it. He never will run for offiss
but once, and then will git beat.
* * * * *
The woman who appears this month will be an old maid till she is 20
years old, and then will sudenly put a stop tew this kind ov bizzness,
by investing in a yung man. She will be a good housekeeper, and kno how
tew make a plum puddin, with the plums left out. She will hang on to her
buty till she iz about 45; after that, she will hav to take her chances.
* * * * *
[_Advertizement._]
Professor John Spruce (_graduate_) begs leaf tew inform the citizens ov
Pordunk village that he will open a school for male yung men, over
Nikodemus Bradley's waggon shop, in whitch will be taught the nobel art
of chawing gum, in all the hier branches.
_Private lessons_ administered tew yung ladiz at their boarding-house.
The Professor pledges himself tew teach, in six easy lessons, the
gum-chawing science tew a spot.
_N. B.--Seckond hand gum alwus on hand, for sale low._
31 Days.
MARCH.
1872.
Q.--Who iz the champion ov lite weights? [@]
A.--The Nu Jersey muskeeter. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Dame Barker had a yerling hen,
Who swore she'd set, or raze the dickens;
The dame sot her on an ear ov korn,
And razed a bushel an haff ov chickens._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _CODICILS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ _Breezy_ @ @ | |
| 2| S || Klam soup | To work iz the grate law ov |
| 3| G || diskovered 1500 @ | natur. If the woodchuck ever |
| 4| M || _sighns ov wind_ @ | dont bild enny hole, he wont |
| 5| T || Jim Pettybone | hav one. It iz true he may steal |
| 6| W || created 1312 @ @ | one; but then sum other woodchuck |
| 7| T || Jim waz | will hav tew dig two. |
| 8| F || an intemperance | |
| 9| S || man [(@)] | * * * * * |
|10| G || _mutch wind_ @ | |
|11| M || Jim Pettybone died | |
|12| T || @ _wind grows_ @ | Thare are folks who dont do |
|13| W || Jim died | enny hard work but watch their |
|14| T || ov the | simptoms. I hav saw dogs akt |
|15| F || triangular | just az sensibel. I hav saw a |
|16| S || lemons @ | rat-tarrier watch the simptoms ov a |
|17| G || _fresh, but windy_ | knot-hole in a board-fence all day, |
|18| M || @ now dig angle- | for sum rat tew cum forth, and no |
|19| T || worms @ @ | for sum rat tew cum forth, and no |
|20| W || _wind rizes_ @ @ | rat didnt cum forth. |
|21| T || Lafayette waz | |
|22| F || A | * * * * * |
|23| S || friend to | |
|24| G || this | |
|25| M || land @ @ @ | I alwus did admire the malice |
|26| T || _wind_ | ov the mule. If a freak ov fortune |
|27| W || _inklined tew_ | had made me az misfortunate |
|28| T || be windy @ | amung men az the mule iz amung |
|29| F || @ Tom Hyer waz | animilds, i would begin tew let |
|30| S || a | drive at things a mile an a haff |
|31| G || pugilissimus [§§] | off. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR APRIL._
The man born this month will hav a liquid temprament, but not
necessarily inklined tew licker. Hiz grate aim will be tew git married;
and he will git hiz bird, bi marrying a butiful and also good-looking
wife. They will liv happy az two lambs, and leave one son, whom they
intended should be president ov the United States, but who very wisely
konkluded tew be a merchant taylor.
* * * * *
The lady born this month will hav blew eyes, and a full set ov teeth.
Her heart will be az tender az a porterhouse steak. She will keep a lap
dorg, who will hav weak eyes, and whose christian name will be Fanny.
She will die and leave a bed-quilt, which will go down tew posterity,
with upwards of 7 hundred blocks in it.
[_Advertizement._]
_JOB SARGENT'S KLENSING SOPE._
Job Sargent, being ov sound mind, and expressly afrade ov the devil,
dont hesitate tew say that his klensing sope will take the spots oph
from everything.
1st. It will remove the spots from a coach dog in 3 daze.
2d. It will take the spots oph from a ten ov dimonds in 15 minnits.
3d. Kan the leopard change his spots?--i answer it kan, bi using Job
Sargent's only klensing sope.
4th. Persons ov a spotless reputashun, and anxious tew keep so, will
never be without this sope.
5th. Job Sargent never told a lie--so did George Washington.
30 Days.
APRIL.
1872.
Q.--What iz the fastest trotting-time on reckord?
A.--I dont kno az I kare. @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_A sloven farmer waz old Snyder;
He spent his time a drinkin syder.
Together he worked a cow and muel,
And never sent his boys tew skewel._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _HOOKS_ AND _EYES_. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ Now sort yure | |
| 2| T || rats @ @ | Yu kant konvert sinners bi |
| 3| W || _sum rain_ @ | preaching the gospel tew them at |
| 4| T || sow yure hoss- | haff-price. Enny sinner who iz |
| 5| F || radish @ @ | anxious tew git hiz religion in |
| 6| S || @ _hot, but wet_ @ | that way iz satisfied with a poor |
| 7| G || @ hoss-radish iz a | artikle. |
| 8| M || smart vegatable @ | |
| 9| T || @ Bill Kurtis | * * * * * |
|10| W || born 1749 @ @ @ | |
|11| T || @ _sighns ov rain_ @ | Prudes are coquets gone tew |
|12| F || | seed. |
|13| S || Bill Kurtis had | |
|14| G || a | * * * * * |
|15| M || wodden leg @ @ | |
|16| T || _mild, but pleazant_ | |
|17| W || @ @ now bury beans | Thare iz no better evidence ov |
|18| T || @ @ _warm wet_ | wisdum than tew beleave what we |
|19| F || @ beans are a | kant understand. |
|20| S || joyful krop @ | |
|21| G || @ _wind soft_ @ | |
|22| M || thou shalt not steal | * * * * * |
|23| T || @ _more wet_ @ | |
|24| W || plant pickels | Yu will alwus notis one thing: |
|25| T || for arly cow- | the devil never offers tew go into |
|26| F || kumbers @ @ | partnership with a bizzy man; |
|27| S || @ _soft breezes_ @ | but yu will often see him offer |
|28| G || now lend umbrellers | tew jine the lazy, and furnish all |
|29| M || @ @ _hot_ @ | the capital. |
|30| T || now jerk lettiss @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR MAY._
The gentleman who invests hiz life in this month will be very quick
tempered, espeshily when a hornet lights on him in anger. His mother
will set a good deal by him, espeshily when he iz in the kradle. He will
hav the mumps very light, and will spend most ov his life intending tew
marry, but will die at last with a half dozen old maids on hiz hands.
The wash wimmin will remember him az the man who never wore paper
collars.
* * * * *
The lady born this month will fust be a bud, and afterwards a blossom.
Her heart will be az full ov twitter as a kanary bird on a perch. She
will hav twilight hair. She will hav menny lovers. She will be
reasonabel fond ov silk clothes, but her grate joy will be in a bonnet.
She will hav az little jealousy az it is prudent for a woman tew hav.
_CHOICE OLD RECEIPTS._
To learn a kat how tew bite--feed her on kat nip tea.
* * * * *
To remove goose pimples (from a goose)--loose the goose.
* * * * *
To kure a weak back--lay still for a week ahead.
* * * * *
To make yure mark--fall out ov a third story windo.
* * * * *
To ketch a bad kold--lay down on the ground, and watch for it, bi
moonlite.
[Illustration]
Kats are plenty. I kounted 18 from mi boarding hous
window one night last summer--and it wasn't a fust rate nite for kats
neither.=
A sollum fakt. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
One ov the most unfortunate men in this world--iz a third
rate fiddler,=
Yure warm friend
Josh Billings
31 Days.
MAY.
1872.
Q.--Who got the fust caneing? @ @
A.--Abel. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now in the ground hide unyun seed,
Bury korn, and beetz, and lettiss;
Chuck in sum peas, and lima beans,
If the arth dont seem tew wettish._