life, and that iz,--a seckond marriage.
28 Days.
FEBRUARY.
1871.
Q.--What iz the best thing out yet for real comfort? @ @
A.--An aking tooth. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now gather round the kitchen fire,
And pile the chunks on hier and hier,
Git out the old fiddle and partners choose,
And shake her down in your cowhide shoes._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _CHICKEN SALLAD._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || @ @ How doth the | |
| 2| T || little bizzy bee @ | Thare iz one kritter in this |
| 3| F || _it snows_ @ @ @ | world whoze troubles yu kant |
| 4| S || sting evry good | console, and that is a setting hen. |
| 5| G || chance he kan git | |
| 6| M || now slaughter wood | * * * * * |
| 7| T || @ @ _hazy_ @ @ | Thare iz nothing like a sick |
| 8| W || Jo Smith created | bed for repentance, a man bekums |
| 9| T || @ 1818 @ | so virtewous he will often repent |
|10| F || sum snow at Montreal | ov sins that he never committed. |
|11| S || @ @ | |
|12| G || Jo Smith manufakterd | * * * * * |
|13| M || mormons @ | One ov the hardest things, for |
|14| T || _squally_ @ @ out of | enny man to do, iz tew fall down |
|15| W || phools @ @ | on the ice when it iz wet, and |
|16| T || @ virtew iz her own | then git up, and praze the Lord. |
|17| F || paymaster @ | |
|18| S || _bitter cold_ @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| G || Jo waz not a polly | Gravity iz no more posatiff |
|20| M || gamist @ @ | evidence ov wisdum, than a paper |
|21| T || @ @ _sum more_ | collar iz ov a shirt. |
|22| W || _coldness_ @ @ | |
|23| T || bully for Jo @ @ | * * * * * |
|24| F || grind stuns fust | |
|25| S || diskovered 1500 ¶ | Curiosity often gets a mouse |
|26| G || _raw but cold_ @ @ | into a trap,--jist so it duz other |
|27| M || @ whooping cough | folks. |
|28| T || iz ketching @ @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE GRITTY ANGLEWORM_.
Angleworms are ov earth, earthy, and crawl for a living. The angleworm,
tho full of grit, iz not quarrelsome. It is sed (by naturalists) that
angleworm ile, rubbed on the back ov the neck will cure a man ov lieing.
I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death is the only safe
cure (that haz bin diskovered yet) for the falssehood disseaze.
Angleworms are used by sum people az an artikle ov diet--(to ketch fish
with). They are handy tew put onto a hook, and are dredful handy tew
take oph agin, az every wicked person knows who haz fished all day
Sunday for daice in a mill-pond.
_HOUSEKEEPER'S GUIDE._
To make boarding-house hash, take a little ov every thing, a good deal
ov nothing, and throw in a chunk ov sumthing; jam to a mux, cook over a
kold fire, season with hair pins, and sarve it up on the jump.
* * * * *
To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself
once in a while.
* * * * *
To find the solid contents ov a mule's hind legg, feel ov it clussly.
31 Days.
MARCH.
1871.
Q.--Who iz the coming man?
A.--The female suffragist.
[Illustration]
_Dear girls and boys, take mi advice,
And don't go on the rotten ice;
For many a gal has fell chuck in,
And thus has ketched her final ducking._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| @| @ || _History_ | _CAPER SAUCE._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || _Streaks ov wind_ | Natur never makes enny blunders; |
| 2| T || @ haul in yure | when she makes a phool, |
| 3| F || close line @ @ | she means it. |
| 4| S || | |
| 5| G || @ _windy_ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 6| M || de gustibus non | |
| 7| T || et cetera @ @ | Thare iz sum pholks in this |
| 8| W || @ _skey overkast_ @ | world who spend their whole lives |
| 9| T || | a hunting after righteousness, and |
|10| F || ignorance iz bliss @ | kant find enny time tew praktiss |
|11| S || @ bring out yure | it. |
|12| G || geese @ @ @ | |
|13| M || @ _cold wind_ @ | * * * * * |
|14| T || | Human happiness iz like the |
|15| W || and let them March | Hottentot language, enny boddy |
|16| T || _windy windness_ | kan talk it well enuff, but thare |
|17| F || @ use Higinbottoms | aint but phew kan understand it. |
|18| S || | |
|19| G || pills @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|20| M || @ _wet rain_ @ | |
|21| T || they are az mild | Grate transgreshuns seem tew |
|22| W || az a juice harp @ | baptize themselfs,--if the Devil |
|23| T || John Rogers died | had only bin gilty ov pettit |
|24| F || 1683 @ @ | larceny, he never would hav bin |
|25| S || _sum more wind_ @ | heard ov agin. |
|26| G || he fell in the | |
|27| M || fire @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|28| T || @ _8_ now tap for | |
|29| W || maple sugar @ | I dont kno ov enny thing more |
|30| T || @ _hi winds_ @ @ | remorseless, on the face ov the |
|31| F || § life iz uncertain @ | earth, than 7 per cent interest. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE BELLYCOSE GOAT._
The Goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine
digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage
barrell than cum honestly bi a peck ov oats. They strike from the hed
insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a
bumblebee iz. They are faithfull kritters in the hour ov adversity, and
will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb
evrything but a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt
in the stummak. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight. A phatt
Goat would be a literary curiosity.
_PREMIUMS._
_Awarded to Velosipede Riders in 1870._
To Abram Parsons, a premium ov 33-1/8 dollars for riding a velosipede
down the back stairs ov a gimnazium, and knocking out 18 ov hiz front
teeth, and distorting hiz noze.
* * * * *
To Nimrod Sturgiss, a copper medal with 9 dollars, and a nu pair ov dorg
skin gloves, for riding a velosipede into a mill-pond, and gitting
drowned.
* * * * *
To Marshall Peaboddy Smith, a puss ov 2 dollars, and a life membership
in the mackerel club, for riding a velosipede over a nu milch cow, and
splitting a telegraph pole from top tew bottom.
30 Days.
APRIL.
1871.
Q.--Define the "fust impreshun." @ @
A.--A mother's kiss. @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_April phool was born this month,
A simpleton, but clever;
And tho 4000 years ov age,
He's just az big a phool az ever._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _SHRIMPS._ |
+---+--++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ _Liquid rain._ @ | A man with a very small head |
| 2| G || The violet iz | iz like a pin without enny, very |
| 3| M || blew * _showery_ @ | apt tew git into things beyond hiz |
| 4| T || hark! tis the | depth. |
| 5| W || noble bull | |
| 6| T || frog's voice @ @ | * * * * * |
| 7| F || _wet_ @ @ jews | Thare are menny people in this |
| 8| S || harps diskovered | world who are like flies, grate |
| 9| G || | bores without meaning it, or knowing|
|10| M || @ 1296 @ | it,--"shoo fly." |
|11| T || now plant | |
|12| W || gardin sass @ @ | * * * * * |
|13| T || @ Cupid born 95 | |
|14| F || _look out_ | Falling in luv iz like falling into |
|15| S || for some | molassis, sweet but dredful dobby. |
|16| G || _wetness_ @ @ | |
|17| M || Cupid is a lytle | * * * * * |
|18| T || cuss @ | |
|19| W || set out onions @ | When i see an old man marry a |
|20| T || _sumwhat wetty_ @ | yung wife, i consider him starting |
|21| F || @ now hath the | out on a bust, for i am reminded |
|22| S ||winter of our diskontent| ov the parable about mixing nu |
|23| G || @ _gentle_ | wine into old junk bottles. |
|24| M || _showers_ @ finally | |
|25| T || thawed out @ _look_ | * * * * * |
|26| W || _out for rain 8_ no | |
|27| T || kards @ _it duz rain_ | A lie iz like nitroglycerine, the |
|28| F || @ Daniel Lambert | best judges kant tell when it iz a |
|29| S || was very | going tew explode, and skatter a |
|30| G || phatt @ | muss. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE MELODIUS CAT._
The cat hath been called a domestik animile but i never could tell
whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one; they
are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the
state done up neatly in a meal-bag, and the next morning yu will find
him along side ov the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on. They are az
sollum az Mozes, but az phull ov the devil as Judas Iskariott Esq. Thare
iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very
reasonable; a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats
are very plenty in this world just now I counted 18 from mi boarding
house windo, one moon lite nite last summer, and it want the best kind
ov a nite for cats neither.
_FAMILY NOSHUNS._
To pick out a tender goose, pinch him, and if he squeals, buy him.
To make good sharp pickles, whittle oph both ends ov them tew a pint.
To find how fur a frog kan jump, set a Frenchman to meazureing hiz
jumps.
To git the affectashun out ov a man, make him sea sick, (when a man iz
sea sick he iz inclined tew thro up all phoolish things).
[Illustration]
Thare iz nothing so hard for us to understand, and so eazy for others,
az that we hav fiddled our tune out.=
Kindly yure. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
Thare iz no man so poor but what he kan afford to keep one dog,--and i
hav seen them so poor, that they could afford to keep three.=
J. Billings Esq
31 Days. MAY. 1871.
Q.--What waz the name of Shakspear's dog? @
A.--Dog-Berry. @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now plant oats and gardin sass,
Yoke geese, and black snakes kill;
Set hens; set traps for thieving rats;
Set what you please, but don't set still_.
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _PICKLED TONGUE._ |
+--|---||------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M ||@ Dandylions in | |
| 2| T || market @ _Soft | The man who kant find enny |
| 3| W || and barmy_ @ who | thing to do in this world, iz az bad|
| 4| T || will be queen @ | oph az a yerling heifer. |
| 5| F || @ @ of May @ | |
| 6| S || _mild_ @ it is hard | * * * * * |
| 7| G ||to tell [?] @ | |
| 8| M || @ Job waz a | I luv tew see an old person joyfull |
| 9| T ||pashunt man | but not kickuptheheelsfull. |
|10| W || _refreshing wet_ @ | |
|11| T || @ now ketch frogs | * * * * * |
|12| F || _warm wetness_ @ | |
|13| S || Job had biles @ _more | Don't lay enny certain plans |
|14| G || warmy_ @ tax | for the fewter, it iz like planting |
|15| M ||collektors | tuds and expekting tew raize |
|16| T || loafing | tudstools. |
|17| W || around @ now | |
|18| T || chew lettuce @ _hot_| * * * * * |
|19| F || @ _with rain_ @ | Thare iz no pashun ov the |
|20| S ||pole yuer beans @ | human harte, that promises so |
|21| G || @ _wind south_ | mutch, and pays so little az |
|22| M || @ Noah Webster | _revenge_. |
|23| T || waz a good speller | |
|24| W || @ _sudden rain_ @ | * * * * * |
|25| T || @ @ he had better | Thoze persons who spend all |
|26| F || spells than | their time watching their simptoms, |
|27| S || Billings @ _expekt | are the kind who _enjoy poor |
|28| G || rain sprinkles_ | health_. |
|29| M ||go in when it | |
|30| T ||rains @ | |
|31| W || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE BRINY CODFISH._
The codfish iz the fruit ov the oshun, which accounts for their being so
salt. They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an
umbreller to keep a man dry. They want a good deal ov freshning before
they are eaten, and want freshning a good deal afterwards.
If i can have plenty ov codfish for breakfast, i can generally manage
tew make the other two meals out of cold water.
(_Advertisement._)
_MELKISIDEK BREWSTERS LIGHTNING ROD._
For drawing lightning, theze rods hav grate strength and endurance.
They will draw litening from the uttermost parts ov the earth, or pull
it in two.
Yu may bury one of theze rods 10 foot under ground, and litening will
hunt till it finds it.
Yu mite az well undertake tew eskape natral deth, or a constable's
warrent, az tew eskape litening with one ov theze rods ov yure house.
Buy one ov Melkisidek's rods, and if yu haint got enny house tew put it
on, you kan set it up at the forks ov the road, and steal all the
litening in the naberhood.
30 Days. JUNE. 1871.
Q.--What iz a good "_counter irritant_"? @ @
A.--A young dri goods clerk.
[Illustration]
_In this month, more than all the rest,
Things seem tew jump their very best;
Carrots and yungones, purp and kitten,
Like Joner's gourd, are up, and gittin._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _PARSNIP STEW._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ Now hunt | A kicking cow never lets drive |
| 2| F ||for rozes @ | until just as the pail gets phull,--|
| 3| S || _warm hotness_ @ | it iz jiss so with sum mens |
| 4| G || @ the grasshopper | blunders. |
| 5| M ||iz a burden @ | |
| 6| T || @ _muggy wetness_ | * * * * * |
| 7| W ||natur grows @ @ | |
| 8| T || @ _hot_ @ | Whenever a minister haz |
| 9| F || @ let her grow @ | preached a sermon that pleazes |
|10| S ||now @ ho korn @ | the whole congregashun, he probably |
|11| G || _wet sighns_ @ | haz preached one that the |
|12| M || @ _ov more rain_ | Lord wont endorse. |
|13| T ||more grasshoppers | |
|14| W || born @ bet 10 | * * * * * |
|15| T ||dollars it will | |
|16| F ||rain @ | |
|17| S ||pride goes @ before | It aint mutch trubble tew bear |
|18| G ||a fall @ @ | the pain ov sumboddy else's lame |
|19| M || @ @ _exquisite | back, but tew hav the lame back |
|20| T || rains_ @ Jack and | onesself aint quite so stylish. |
|21| W ||Gill went up | |
|22| T ||the | * * * * * |
|23| F ||hill @ 1357 @ @ | |
|24| S || @ _hotter_ @ | The man who wont beleave |
|25| G ||Jack @ and Gill | enny thing he kant see, aint so |
|26| M ||cum down | wize az a mule, for they will kick |
|27| T ||the hill 1358 @ | at a thing in the dark. |
|28| W || @ now take it | |
|29| T || eazy @ | |
|30| F || | |
+------++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE FREQUENT FLY._
The fly iz not only a domestik critter, but a friendly one. How they git
born i don't kno, but i hav thought they didn't wait tew be born, but
come just az they am. Menny ov them are cut off in the flower of their
youth, and usefulness. Sum loze their lives by lighting too near the rim
ov a toad's mouth, and fall in when the toad gaps. Thousands find a
watery grave, bi gitting drowned,--in milk-cans. Flys morally considered
are like other human beings, they wont light on a good helthy spot in a
man, not if they can find a place that iz a little raw. I beleave they
are ov temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal,
i never see a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor, that
waz a good deal the wuss for flys.
_WANTED._
Wanted, several fust class yung men, with mustash, tew hang around the
vestibules ov the different churches in amerika, and stare at the
females az they pass out.
Yung men who understand the use ov tobacco prefered.
No yung men accepted who kant stare the brass buttons oph from a
military coat, at twenty paces.
This iz a rare chance for yung men ov real genius.
Salary payable weekly.
References exchanged.
31 Days. JULY. 1871.
Q.--When iz a ship az sick az her passengers are? @
A.--When she heaves too. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Hornets now are on the wing,
Red hot, and crazy for to sting:
Oh, don't go ni the tarnal kritters!
For they are sure, and pizon hitters._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| @| @ || _History._ | _GREEN GOOSE._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ Ice iz king | Every time a man laffs he takes |
| 2| G || _hot and warm_ @ | a kink out ov the chain ov life, |
| 3| M ||Sampson waz a | and thus lengthens it. |
| 4| T || strong man _very hot_ | |
| 5| W ||he could lift a | * * * * * |
| 6| T || ton @ _hotter_ @ | |
| 7| F ||with hiz | Three skore years and ten iz |
| 8| S ||little finger @ | mans furlo, and it iz enuff,--if a |
| 9| G || @ _hot increases_ @ | man kant suffer all the mizery he |
|10| M || now beg for | wants in that time he must be |
|11| T ||ice cream | numb. |
|12| W || @ _thunder shower | |
|13| T || in the west_ @ | * * * * * |
|14| F || @ the goose iz not | |
|15| S ||a game bird @ | A crowing hen, and a cackling |
|16| G || @ _grate | rooster, are very misfortunate |
|17| M || hotness_ @ @ mad | poultry in a family. |
|18| T ||dorgs around @ _bileing | |
|19| W || hot_ @ Noah | * * * * * |
|20| T || had three sons | Man iz mi brother, and i konsider |
|21| F || _thunder and_ @ @ | that i am nearer related tew |
|22| S || @ _litening_ @ | him through hiz vices, than i am |
|23| G || @ Noah | through hiz virtews. |
|24| M || owned the ark @ | |
|25| T || _much hot_ @ in | * * * * * |
|26| W || @ Adam's fall | We should not forgit one thing-- |
|27| T || @ we sinned all @ | thare iz not a sure thing on this |
|28| F ||Yew bet, @ Andy | footstool,--even the best tooth |
|29| S || Johnson waz a | in our head may fall tew akeing |
|30| G || Taylor @ @ | before sunset and hav tew be |
|31| M || | jerked out. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE READDY ROOSTER._
Roosters are the pugilists among birds, and having no suitable shoulder
tew strike from, they strike from the heel. When a rooster gits whipped
the hens all march off with the other rooster if he aint haff so big, or
so hansum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny
household work; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun tew a
yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting, and
once in a while they find a worm, which they make a grate fuss over,
calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but
jist az the hens git thare, this elegant cuss bends over, and gobbles up
the worm.
Jist like a man for all the world!
_HOUSEHOLD COMFORTS._
Tew git rid ov cockroaches,--sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the
mountains.
Tew make a slapjax that will do grate service,--cut it out ov buckskin,
and fri it tew a koal black on a greaseless griddle.
Tew pick out a good husband!--shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in
the Lord.
Tew make a kat mad,--trod on her continuashun.
31 Days. AUGUST. 1871.
Q.--Why iz woman like an echo? @ @
A.--Bekauze she will hav the last word. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_All nature bileth.
Roosters pant and so do lizzards;
The mules upon the dusty road
Kan't raise a trot, to save their gizzards._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| @| @ || _History._ | _GIBLETS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || _warm with_ @ | |
| 2| W || @ _hot streaks_ | Lazyness iz a good deal like |
| 3| T || Jack | money,--the more a man haz ov |
| 4| F || the giant killer @ | it the more he seems tew want. |
| 5| S || _much hotness_ @ | |
| 6| G || @ killed a giant | * * * * * |
| 7| M || 1250 @ _look out | |
| 8| T || for a grate hot_ @ | It iz hard work at fust sight, tew |
| 9| W || the giant waz 25 | see the wisdom in a rattle snake |
|10| T ||foot square @ @ | bite, but thare are thousand ov |
|11| F || _hot_ @ @ @ in | folks who never think ov their sins |
|12| S || his stocking feet | until they are bit bi a rattlesnake.|
|13| G || _cooler_ @ oh for | |
|14| M || a lodge in | * * * * * |
|15| T || sum vast woods | |
|16| W || _thunder and_ @ | "A poor, but dishonest cuss!"--this |
|17| T || @ _litening_ @ | iz about az low down az |
|18| F || on a straw matrass | enny man kan get, unless he drinks |
|19| S || @ _more_ | whiskee. |
|20| G || @ _hotter_ @ now | |
|21| M || dig for mint | * * * * * |
|22| T || juleps @ | |
|23| W || _gigantik rain_ @ | Living on hope iz like living on |
|24| T || @ let her drizzle | wind, a good way tew git phull |
|25| F || _very heaty_ @ @ | but a poor way tew git phatt. |
|26| S || meazles diskovered | |
|27| G || @ 1600 @ _hot_ | * * * * * |
|28| M || snakes lively @ my | |
|29| T || name iz | It iz human tew err,--but devlish |
|30| W || Norval @ | tew brag on it. |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE DOOCED MONKEY._
The monkey iz only valuable tew look at, and wonder what in thunder he
iz a going tew do next. He haz not got a Webster head, but hiz face iz a
biled down dew drop ov malishus cunning. He resembles the skey terrier
in the bild ov hiz features, and skratches his head az natral az the
school boy,--and probably for similar reasons. They are sumtimes kept az
pets, but if enny boddy should pet me with a monkey, i should send him
right back bi the same person who brought him, marked with _Baldwin The
Clothiers_ trademark,--C. O. D.
_KONNEKTIKUT BLEW LAWS._
1. No man must chu enny tobbacko on the sabbath day unless he goes down
cellar and duz it.
2. No yung woman haz a right tew be had in matrimony unless she kan make
a good doe nut out ov rhy bran, and one that will keep a year in a damp
place, without loseing its twist.
3. If a man gits drunk, he must git drunk on Nu England rum.
4. No man shall be entitled tew work on the road, or set on the jury,
who aint handy with the 10 commandments.
[Illustration]
If a young man haint got a well ballanced hed, i like to see him part
hiz hair in the middle.=
Dont yu, Josh Billings
[Illustration]
It iz one ov the hardest
things on earth for a man
to learn,--that he plays a
third rate game ov whist.=
No doubt, Josh Billings
30 Days.
SEPTEMBER.
1871.
Q.--What is wealth? @ @ @
A.--Baggage at the risk of the owner. @ @
[Illustration]
_The carrion crow sits straddle the fence,
Trying az hard az he can to weep,
Az he thinks ov death and its consequence
To spavined hosses and rickety sheep._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _CRANBERRY SAUS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F ||@ _Exquisit and | |
| 2| S || soft wind |Love is like the meazles, we |
| 3| G ||melts_ @ angels |kan't hav it bad but once, and the |
| 4| M || seen bi |later in life we hav it the tuffer it|
| 5| T || moonlite |goes with us. |
| 6| W ||_fragrant showers_ @ | |
| 7| T |@ fust poet | * * * * * |
| 8| F ||born 642 @ _limpid |The miser who heaps up gains |
| 9| S || tenderness_ @ |tew gloat over, iz like a hog in a |
|10| G ||_cam and cool_ @ |pen, fatted for a show. |
|11| M ||stars twitter @ | |
|12| T || @ azure twilight | |
|13| W ||_wind sow bi sow | * * * * * |
|14| T || west_ @ lovers | |
|15| F ||meet @ |Most every one seems tew be |
|16| S || @ _soft showers_ @ |willing to be a phool himself, bu |
|17| G || and kiss @ harvest |he kant bear to have enny boddy |
|18| M ||yure pumpkins @ |else one. |
|19| T || @ _slick weather_ | |
|20| W ||hark! from the | * * * * * |
|21| T ||tombs a doleful | |
|22| F ||sound @ _soft wind_ | |
|23| S ||Tom Corwin |The man who haint got an |
|24| G ||waz a wagon |enemy, iz really poor. |
|25| M || boy @ | |
|26| T ||_tender winds_ @ | * * * * * |
|27| W || @ on linden | |
|28| T ||when the |Advise iz like kastor ile, eazy |
|29| F ||sun @ waz low |enuff to giv, but dredful uneazy |
|30| S || |tew take. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE LOAFING RACCON._
The Raccon iz a native amerikan. His family consists ov one wife, and
three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. During the
winter he ties himself up in a hard knot, and lays down bi hiz fire
side. When spring opens, he opens too, and goes out tew see how the
chickens hav wintered. I never knew a raccon tew want enny thing long,
that he could steal quick. I hav had tame coons bi the dozen, but i dont
advise enny boddy tew cultivate coons; they want as much waiting on az a
blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more real proffit in them,
than thare iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie railroad.
_HOME DOINGS._
Tew freshen a salt mackerel,--tow him one summer behind a steam bote.
Tew make a man good mad,--starch hiz stockings a leetle too stiff.
Tew be one ov the "_oldest inhabitants_," remember very well, when yung
Nebudkenezzer waz a babe.
Tew be happy,--eat molasses, and swing on a gate.
31 Days.
OCTOBER.
1871.
Q.--What did Joner do while in the whale's stumak?
A.--The best thing he did waz tew git out ov it. @
[Illustration]
_Sweet cider now, and punkin pize,
And maidens fair, and doughnuts greasy:
Who wouldn't be a farmer's boy,
So phull ov phun, so free and eazy?_