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| TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE |
| |
| The horoscope tables of the _Allminax_ are decorated with |
| miscellaneous symbols, not all of which are available in |
| monospaced utf-8 fonts to decorate this version of the text. |
| Most symbols have been replaced with "@"; other compatible |
| symbols have been chosen at random to give some idea of what |
| the pages look like. The original horoscope pages can be seen|
| in the HTML version of the _Allminax_. |
| |
| The wayward spelling and punctuation are special features of |
| this text. I have therefore made no attempt to correct |
| apparent typos or missing punctuation marks, as at least SOME|
| of the errors are intentional. |
| |
| There are only three exceptions: |
| |
| 1. the correction of "C" to "G" in line 11 of page 36; |
| |
| 2. the insertion of the missing number 1 in the list on page |
| 38; |
| |
| 3. the insertion of the missing number 1 in the list on page |
| 45. |
| |
| Italicised text is marked _like this_. Bold text is marked |
| =like this=. |
| |
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JOSH
BILLINGS'
OLD
FARMER'S
ALLMINAX
1870 1879
WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS
PERHAPS
RAIN
[Illustration]
PERHAPS
NOT
NEW YORK
G · W · DILLINGHAM CO
1902
COPYRIGHT, 1870, 1871, 1872, 1873, 1874, 1875, 1876, 1877, 1878,
1879, BY G. W. CARLETON & CO.
COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY
WM. H. DUFF
ADMINISTRATOR ESTATE OF HENRY W. SHAW
JOSH BILLINGS'
FARMER'S ALLMINAX
SIGHNS OV THE ZODIAK.
The undersighned iz an Amerikan brave, in hiz grate tragick akt ov being
attaked bi the twelve constellashuns.--(May the best man win.)
[Illustration]
_KEY TEW THE ABUV PERFORMANCE._
Tew kno exackly whare the sighn iz, multiply the day ov the month bi the
sighn, then find a dividend that will go into a divider four times
without enny remains, subtrakt this from the sighn, add the fust
quoshunt tew the last divider, then multiply the whole ov the man's
boddy bi all the sighns, and the result will be jist what yu are looking
after.
_BILLINGS' FAMILY TIME TABLE._
Amazi begot Hezaki, Hezaki begot Eldad, Eldad begot Behomath, Behomath
begot Zepheniah (_Zepheniah waz a conumdrum maker, sum ov which hav been
handed down down_), Zepheniah begot Ezekiel, Ezekiel begot Issacher
(_Issaker waz a bad speller, which haz bin handed down too_), Issaker
begot Nehemiah, Nehemiah begot Methuseler, Methuseler begot Nabob
(_Nabob waz a snob_), Nabob begot Jerrymiah, and Jerrymiah begot Absolum
Billings (_who is admitted bi every boddy who remembers him tew be the
most humblyest looking man in the 9th Century_). Absolum begot Josh, and
so they kept bizzy begotting.
After the Billings family once struck the front name, _Josh_, they clung
tew it. I find over 6 hundred ov that name extant, besides a grate menny
who haz bekum extanted.
The Billings hav bin a helthy old breed az fur back az i have dug for
them, which they owe principally tew a milk diet. It iz sed that
Behomath Billings, one ov our pristines, could drean a cow perfektly dry
at one sitting. If this iz so, it helps explain the great amount ov milk
in the Billings natur.
I dont find enny old bachelors, nor old maids, amung our ansesstors,
inkrease and multiply haz alwus bin the battle cry of the Billings.
OPINIONS OF THE PRESS
AFTER SEEING THE ADVANCE SHEETS OV
Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax
FOR THE YEAR 1870.
"We seldum notis the current Amerikan literature ov the day, but the
Billings Allminax, soon tew be issued by Carleton, is a work for the
mothers of the Amerikan Union."--_London Times, June 6th, 1869._
* * * * *
"Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax iz az phull ov gems az a diamond
neklace, az phull of knowledge az Webster's Spellin Book, and az phull
of cooking and cures az a parson's wife."--_London Atheneum, May 31st,
1869._
* * * * *
"The virtewous thoughts in Josh's Allminax iz gin cocktails for the
idle, and brandy straights for the viscious."--_Atlantik Semi-Monthly,
May 3d, 1869._
* * * * *
"The Billings' Allminax will prove a rare acquisition tew Amerikan
literature; the astronomikal calculashuns are unique, the language
elegant, the moral perfekt, the sentiments just, and the whole thing
extremely bully."--_Boston Ledger, May 1st, 1869._
* * * * *
"In theze daze of tawdry novels, imbecile poetry, and florid historys,
it iz charming tew take up such a brilliant thing az Josh Billings'
Farmers' Allminax, whare philosophy and sentiment frolik together, and
whare wit sits in state, with one arm around the waist ov
morality."--_Omaha Patriot, July 4th, 1869._
_JANUARY MONOGRAPH._
This month waz named after one Janus, a sharp sighted old chap, with a
face like a pikaxe, so that he could look both ways at once, back onto
the old year, and forward onto the new one. At the latter part ov his
life he died of a thaw, leaving a snug little property, sum six or seven
hundred dollars, which akordin tew one ov the bye-laws ov hiz will, waz
invested in tin back thermometors, and distributed amung the suffering
poor ov his native village, az mementoze ov Janus.
DOMESTIX RECEIPTS.
Tew find the square root ov a hog's noze, turn him into a gardin patch.
* * * * *
Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.
* * * * *
Tew remove grease from a man's karakter, let him strike sum sudden ile.
* * * * *
Tew giv oysters an extra good relish, eat them at sumboddy else's
expense.
* * * * *
Tew git wrong things out ov yure child's head,--comb it often.
[Illustration]
I never argy agin a suckcess, when i see a rattlesnaixs
hed sticking out ov a whole, i bear off to the left, and say to
miself----that hole belongs to that snaix.=
Josh Billings
[Illustration]
Cider may be a good temprance beverage, but i hav seen
folks git so drunk on it, that they couldn't tell one ov the 10
commandments from a bye law or a base bawl klub. =
Josh Billings
31 Days.
JANUARY.
1870.
Q.--What iz an old bachelor? @ () @ ¶
A.--The hero ov a cot bedstead. @ † @ @ †
[Illustration]
_He who bi farmin would git ritch,
Must plough, and so, and dig, and sich,
Work hard all day, sleep hard all nite,
Save every cent, and not git tite._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _INK BRATS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ _Cold_ @ @ @ | |
| 2| G || Daniel @ Lambert | When a rooster crows, he crows |
| 3| M || @ @ born @ @ 1793 | all over. |
| 4| T || _high_ @ _tides_ @ | |
| 5| W || @ _perhaps_ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 6| T || _rain_ @ _perhaps_ | |
| 7| F || @ _not_ @ Milky | A nu milk Cow is stepmother |
| 8| S || way @ fust @ | tew evry mans baby. |
| 9| G || discovered @ 1386 @ | |
|10| M || @ _Weather_ @ @ | * * * * * |
|11| T || _shifty_ @ @ lay in @ | |
|12| W || @ yure ice @ | Whenever i kan find a real |
|13| T || cream cow @ @ | hansum woman engaged in the |
|14| F || @ for @ next @ | wimmins rights bizzness, then |
|15| S || @ summer @ | i am going tew take mi hat under |
|16| G || @ @ _Sighns ov a_ @ | mi arm, and jine the procession. |
|17| M || @ @ @ _thaw_ | |
|18| T || _it duz thaw_ @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| W || @ @ Gulliver | |
|20| T || @ returns @ | Debt is a trap, which a man |
|21| F || from his @ @ | sets, and baits himself, and then |
|22| S || @ travels @ 1700 @ | deliberately gets into,--and |
|23| G || @ @ now harvest | ketches a kursid phool. |
|24| M || yure @ snow @ @ | |
|25| T || @ _blustering_ @ bull @| * * * * * |
|26| W || frogs quiet @ @ | |
|27| T || @ @ @ John @ @ | Angels handle the dice when |
|28| F || Smith @ born @ | doublets are thrown in the cradle. |
|29| S || @ @ @ for the | |
|30| G || fust time @ 485 @ | |
|31| M || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_FEBUARY MONOGRAPH._
This month haz but 28 days, the extreme kold weather that prevails haz
puckered up the month. Once in four years thare iz a big melt and then
the month swells, and haz 29 days. This month iz looked upon az
unpleasant, and it iz unpleasant for digging out woodchucks, but for
setting in front of the fire, and skinning apples, and snapping the
seeds at the galls, it kant be beat. The name ov this month is derived
from an old Chinese word (now lost) which means _condem kold_.
USEFUL HINTS TEW BOARDIN HOUSE KEEPERS.
In buying roast beef, dont forgit, that roast beef, tew be bully, must
be tuff.
* * * * *
Be kerful how yu soke yure makrel, too mutch sokeing, takes the wear out
ov them.
* * * * *
In selekting a yung goose for yure table, dont forgit tew remember, that
the longer a goose has lived in this world, the more experience he will
hav, when he cums tew be chawed.
* * * * *
Keep a cow, and then the milk wont hav tew be watered but once.
28 Days.
FEBRUARY.
1870.
Q.--What iz the best kure for lazyness? @ @ * @ # @
A.--Milking a cow on the run, and living on the milk.
[Illustration]
_Bring out yure bran nu cutter,
And git yure galls consent,
Then hitch up Dobbin, or sum other kruttur,
And let the animile went._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SHAD SCALES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ _Gusty_ @ _squalls_ @| |
| 2| W || St. @ Valentine @ | Fools are the whet stuns ov |
| 3| T || @ killed 270 @ | society. |
| 4| F || @ _more gusty_ | * * * * * |
| 5| S || Valentine @ @ | If a man haint got a well balanced |
| 6| G || waz @ Cupid's @ | head, i like tew see him |
| 7| M || @ Corresponding | part hiz hair in the middle. |
| 8| T || Secretary @ _snow_ @ | |
| 9| W || @ _storms still_ | * * * * * |
|10| T || _loafing_ @ _around_ @ | It iz a strange and lamentable |
|11| F || @ _the_ @ _sky_ @ Roger| fakt, that yu kant advance, nor |
|12| S || Sherman waz a @ | even inaugurate, a moral movement |
|13| G || shoemaker @ farmers | without the aid ov money--yu |
|14| M || @ will @ now @ | kan run a saw mill on credit, |
|15| T || @ sprinkle their | but yu kant run the gospel. |
|16| W || hay with brine @ @ | |
|17| T || @ and skratch their | * * * * * |
|18| F || pigs @ backs @ _snow_ | |
|19| S || @ _falls_ @ _in_ @ | When i waz yung, i used tew feel |
|20| G || _chunks_ @ now @ | good six days in two, but now i |
|21| M || trap for @ mice | am old, if I kan manage tew feel |
|22| T || @ @ and other | good two days in six, i think i am |
|23| W || furs @ pepper @ | doing fust rate. |
|24| T || sass fust diskovered | |
|25| F || @ 1496 _sighns ov a_ @ | * * * * * |
|26| S || @ _thaw_ Ben Franklin | Flattery iz like colone water, |
|27| G || waz a @ printer. | tew be smelt ov, not swallered. |
|28| M || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_MARCH MONOGRAPH._
This month derives her pedigree from the Danish verb "_Whizz_," which
means to blow, to wheeze, to snort, to pitch in endways, and crossways,
to shake winder blinds, to smash barn doors, to skare pigs, to brake
clothes lines, to make men sware, and wimmin balky. March iz principally
immense for wind, but whare it all cums from, and whare it all goes to,
are prize conumdrums which i kant untangle Dogs kreated this month
invariably hav the bark on.
_ATTENSHUN FARMERS._
Rathbun's "Old oaken bucket washing masheen." For washing, bleaching,
bileing, wringing, starching, blueing, hanging out, drieing, ironing,
marking, fluting, and folding clothes, this lovely masheen haz no
competitor in the male, or femail world. This iz the only masheen in the
western hemisphear, that takes the inside cloth oph from a man's back on
the keen jump, and puts it back agin, in 15 minnitts, washed, dried,
ironed, starched, the buttons sowed on, and the collar turned down. Ask
for Rathbun's Old oaken bucket washing masheen, and keep asking till yu
git it, and when yu hav got it, hug it tew yure buzzum.
31 Days.
MARCH.
1870.
Q.--Will yu pleaze to define suicide? @ @ @ @ @
A.--Suicide iz cheating the doktors out ov a job.
[Illustration]
_Mend fences now, and diches dig,
Lay in some cow, and little pig,
For milk, and pork,
Iz what enables a man tew do a good square day's work._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SARDINES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ _Windy_ @ _winds_ @ | |
| 2| W || _with sighns_ @ @ @ | Thare is only one good substitute |
| 3| T || @ _ov_ @ _wind_ | for the endearments of a sister, |
| 4| F || "Sorosis" (@) fust | and that iz the endearments |
| 5| S || born @ @ 1206 born | ov sum other phellows sister. |
| 6| G || @ agin @ @ @ | |
| 7| M || 1868 @ _very_ @ _windy_| * * * * * |
| 8| T || _with_ @ @ _wind_ | Cheerfull old girls are the brides |
| 9| W || @ @ _gusts_ peach @ | maids ov society. |
|10| T || crop cut @ @ | |
|11| F || off az @ @ @ usual | * * * * * |
|12| S || Robinson @ Cruso | |
|13| G || @ @ died @ 1492 | About the meanest kritter thare |
|14| M || now yoke @ @ pigs | iz now travelling around on the |
|15| T || and geese @ @ | buzzum ov the earth, iz a bashfull |
|16| W || plant @ lobsters | hypokritt. |
|17| T || and @ @ lettiss for | |
|18| F || @ sallad _look_ @ _out_| * * * * * |
|19| S || @ _for_ @ _wind_ | I hope I shall never hav so |
|20| G || count @ @ yure @ | mutch reputashun, that i shant |
|21| M || @ cockroaches @ | feel obliged tew be civil. |
|22| T || and see if @ @ enny | |
|23| W || @ hav bin @ mislaid | |
|24| T || congress @ @ | The biggest phool in this world |
|25| F || adjourns @ less @ | hazn't been born yet. |
|26| S || wind _sour_ @ _and_ | |
|27| G || _cold_ a @ @ good @ | * * * * * |
|28| M || @ @ time @ to | |
|29| T || trade off @ @ | Natur is just az honest az a |
|30| W || a mule @ @ | cow. |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_APRIL MONOGRAPH._
"April, dear April, chuck full ov charms,
Cum, cum, oh cum, tew mi arms,"
thus warbled the poet, more than twelve thousand years ago, and he knew
his bizz, he had the right sting in him, he want none ov yure pedigree
poets, nor dispepshee poets, nor whiskee poets.
Dandylions planted this month are almost sure tew hed out, so are tud
stools, so are hed cheeze. This month iz also helthy for planting
onions, onions are a luxury, and are good for a bad breth, or are bad
for a good breth, i hav forgot which, but either way iz right.
_VALUABEL ADVICE TEW YUNG SPORTSMEN._
☛ In fishing for musketoze dont wait for them tew bite the seckond time.
☛ The best bait for bed bugs, iz tew sleep three in a bed.
☛ The best mark for target praktiss iz an old maskuline goose, one goose
will last yu for five years shooting, and when he finally gits struck
with lightning, and begins tew perish, yu kan melt him up, and git out
the lead.
☛ The best kind ov a spear, for bullfrogging, iz a four tined dung fork,
when you git the tines all full, shoulder the fork, and put for home.
30 Days.
APRIL.
1870.
Q.--How long kan a goose stand on one leg?
A.--Try it,----that's the way the goose found out.
[Illustration]
_Jethro Sparks cum tew town,
Athwart a kussid mule,
He wound hiz ears around hiz nek,
And called him April Phule._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _EMBERS ON THE HARTH._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || _Showery_ @ _expekt_ @ | He whom the good praze, and |
| 2| S || @ _rain_ @ stern | the wicked hate, ought tew be |
| 3| G || winter iz @ @ @ | satisfied with hiz reputashun. |
| 4| M || o'er @ sow peas @ | |
| 5| T || and plant lambs @ | * * * * * |
| 6| W || now @ Washington | |
| 7| T || waz the @ father @ | The less a man knows, the |
| 8| F || @ ov hiz @ (country) | more he will guess at, and guessing |
| 9| S || @ _wet rain_ @ @ | iz nothing more than suspicion. |
|10| G || Washington @ when | |
|11| M || a little boy had @ @ | * * * * * |
|12| T || @ @ a little @ @ | |
|13| W || ax @ @ _gentle_ | It is a statistikal fakt, that the |
|14| T || @ _showers_ @ @ with | wicked work harder tew reach |
|15| F || which he @ @ | Hell, than the righteous do tew |
|16| S || @ @ tomahawked | git to heaven. |
|17| G || a tree @ _sighns ov_ | |
|18| M || @ _moisture_ but @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| T || when @ asked @ | |
|20| W || @ if he did the tree | When i git thoroughly ritch, the |
|21| T || cut @ _big rain_ @ he | fust thing i intend to do, iz tew |
|22| F || @ @ owned the | bekum respektabel. |
|23| S || korn @ @ lager | |
|24| G || beer diskovered @ | * * * * * |
|25| M || @ not to be @ @ | |
|26| T || intoxicating @ @ @ | Men generally, when they whip |
|27| W || 1845 @ pattent taken | a mule, sware, the mule remembers |
|28| T || out @ now dig @ | the swaring, but forgits the |
|29| F || for umbrellers @ @ | licking. |
|30| S || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_MAY MONOGRAPH._
May iz the belle ov the year, she haz worn the belt for five thousand
years. If May hadn't hav been a sensible girl, she would hav bin spilte
long ago with poetry and stanzy. But she is an independant kritter, and
dont care one kuss for stanzy. This iz an eazy month tew fall in love,
our naturs are now fully thawd out, after the late kold snap, and like a
little melted brook, begin tew look around, tew find another little
melted brook tew mix with. Oh! how precious and delightsum it iz to mix.
Hive bees during this month, if yu hav got sum, if not, hive sumboddy
else's.
_PATTENTS ISSUED DURING 1869._
Feb. 1st. To Ambrose Griddle, Esq., a pattent for a hen's egg, which
beats the natral egg for awl purposes, except, cooking, hatching, and
eating.
* * * * *
April 13th. To Ezra Push, Jun., a pattent for a one wheeled velosipede.
This wise instrumentality haz two handles tew it, and iz purswaded by
taken hold ov the handles, and walking between them with a shove moshun.
If it wasn't a velosipede, it would be an old fashioned wheelbarrow.
* * * * *
March 10th. To David Gibson, for a pattent goose yoke. These yokes are
packed in cotton wool, and sent bi express all over the face ov the
earth, they are sudden tew yoke a goose with, and no goose should be
without one.
[Illustration]
I thank the Lord that thare iz one thing in this world
that money kant buy, and that iz,--the wag ov a dogs tail.=
Yure Unkle, Josh Billings
[Illustration]
The infidel argys just az a Bull duz chained to a post,
he bellows, and paws, but he don't git loose from the post i notiss.=
Not mutch, Josh Billings
31 Days.
MAY.
1870.
Q.--What will yu compare old maids to? @ @ @
A.--Embers on the harth, from which the sparks have fled. @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_The Rooster now with burstin thrut,
Proklaims the rozy morn,
And cacklin hens are telling us,
Another egg is born._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| @| @ || _Prognostix._ | _RAMRODS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ "Physician @ | |
| 2| M || heal thyself," @ @ | Piety iz like beans, it seems tew |
| 3| T || @ big joke @ | do the best on a poor sile. |
| 4| W || @ on physician @ | |
| 5| T || now @ plant @ @ @ | |
| 6| F || @ corn @ for early | |
| 7| S || whiskey @ _showers_ | About the hardest thing a |
| 8| G || _with sun_ (@) | phellow kan do, iz tew spark |
| 9| M || _in them_ @ spring | two girls at onst, and preserve a |
|10| T || @ haz cum @ @ | good average. |
|11| W || adorned like @ | |
|12| T || @ a bride @ | |
|13| F || _sighns_ @ _ov_ | |
|14| S || @ _rain_ @ brides | I had rather be a seed cowcumber, |
|15| G || alwus create a @ @ | flung up on a wood pile, |
|16| M || @ @ @ sensashun | tew ripen, than tew be an old |
|17| T || @ _thunder_ @ | bachelor. |
|18| W || _mixed with_ @ @ | |
|19| T || _rain_ @ it iz more | |
|20| F || @ diffikult tew @ | |
|21| S || be a bride @ | Better leave yure children |
|22| G || @ than a brides @ | virtew, than money, but this is |
|23| M || maid @ babes | a sekret known only to a few. |
|24| T || @ @ in the @ @ | |
|25| W || woods diskovered @ | |
|26| T || @ @ 1626 @ @ @ | |
|27| F || @ harvest | |
|28| S || cowslops for @ @ | Going tew law, iz like skinning |
|29| G || greens @ @ eggs | a nu milk cow for her hide, and |
|30| M || @ plenty-- | giving the beef tew the lawyers. |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_JUNE MONOGRAPH._
June iz twin sister tew May, lacking a month. She iz named after Juno,
the spouze ov Jupiter, and she waz a stirring woman. June iz the mother
of rozes and milk. June iz the stepmother of good gras butter, she iz
also grate granmother ov Bakon and Spinnage. June iz a praktikal gusher,
and i love tew stand one side, and let her gush,--i hav made it a rule
never tew git in the way ov a gush ov enny kind,--i say tew everything,
gush! oh, gush!
_WORDS TEW HOUSEWIFES._
To make a cheap soup, take 5 drops ov good strong onion juice, add 2
gall's ov water, bile 10 minnitts karefully, and seazon with a couple ov
phatt cockroches.
* * * * *
To make a hoe kake, take a hoe and bile it tew a thin jell, and
then,--let her kake
* * * * *
Tew skin a Eel, turn him inside out, and remove the meat with a Jack
plane
* * * * *
Tew make a hen lay 2 eggs a day, reazon with her; if that dont dew,
threaten to chastize her if she dont.
* * * * *
Tew learn yure offspring to steal, make them beg hard for all that yu
giv them.
30 Days.
JUNE.
1870.
Q.--Whi are robbers like rain? @ @ @ @
A.--Bekauze they fall on the just and the unjust.
[Illustration]
_Now bate yure hook, and find a brook,
Where water runs the fasstest,
Thare lays the trout, jist jerk him out,
And chuck him in yure basket._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _OATS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || _At times warm_ @ _at_ | |
| 2| T || @ @ _other times_ | The time tew be karefullest iz |
| 3| F || @ _warmer_ @ @ | when we hav a hand full ov |
| 4| S || muskeeters @ @ @ | trumps. |
| 5| G || @ _8_ looking for a | |
| 6| M || job @ @ Sinbad | * * * * * |
| 7| T || the sailor @ | Old dorgs nuss their grudges, |
| 8| W || @ wrecked @ | but yung purps fite, and then |
| 9| T || @ 1385 _hot sighns_ | frolick. |
|10| F || _ov warm_ @ @ | |
|11| S || _weather 8_ straw | * * * * * |
|12| G || berrys @ 25 | |
|13| M || cents a quart @ | Mother!--The holy thoughts, |
|14| T || @ @ strawberrys | and memorys, that cluster around |
|15| W || large, quarts small @ | this name, can never be so well |
|16| T || @ _showers_ @ @ | expressed, az in the calm utterance |
|17| F || _with_ @ @ _rain_ @ @ | ov the name itself. |
|18| S || remember the @ | |
|19| G || poor natur @ @ | * * * * * |
|20| M || grows @ Old | |
|21| T || @ Grimes died | I thank the Lord for one thing, |
|22| W || 1785 @ he had | that the hardest word in enny |
|23| T || @ a good old _8_ | language tew say, iz--No! |
|24| F || @ soul @ _dark_ | |
|25| S || _nights_ @ mint | * * * * * |
|26| G || juleps in @ @ | |
|27| M || market @ @ fakts | I had ratner undertaik tew be |
|28| T || @ are stubborn @ | two good Doves, than one decent |
|29| W || things @ so be mules | sarpent. |
|30| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_JULY MONOGRAPH._
July iz the sixth month, which ackounts for its being so near the middle
ov the year. It derives its name from "Julos" a hot old phellow, who
settled near the equator, at an early day, and kept every boddy in hiz
naberhood, in a profound swett. July haz menny features ov _interest_,
the _principle_ one ov which, iz, the payment ov semi-annual _interest_,
by most ov the banks, on the fust day ov the month, upon their
_principal_. This iz a fine old custom, and i hope it will be kept up,
for i own a leetle bank stock, and take sum _interest_ in the
_principle_.
_A NEW TOOL._
"_Rogers grate western hoss rake._"
John Rogers revolving, expanding, uncerimonius, self-adjusting,
self-contrakting, self-sharpening, self-greasing, and self-righteous
Hoss Rake, iz now, and forever, offered tew a generous publik. Theze
rakes are az eazy tew keep in repair az a hitching post, and will rake
up a paper ov pins, sowed broad kast, in a ten aker lot ov wheat
stubble. Theze rakes kan be used in the winter for a hen roost, or be
sawed up into stove wood for the kitchen fire. No farmer, ov good moral
karakter, should be without this rake, not even if he haz to steal one.
31 Days.
JULY.
1870.
Q.--Whare do the vain go tew when they die?
A.--The barbers shop. @
[Illustration]
_Young man!--let hornets be, and dont go nigh
The pizen snaik tew mutch.
For during the month ov Julii,
They aint helthy tew the tutch._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _DOUGH NUTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ @ _Mad dogs_ | |
| 2| S || _seen_ @ muzzle | I hav alwus notised one thing, |
| 3| G || yure @ _8_ | when a man gits in a tite spot, he |
| 4| M || @ children @ | dont never call on hiz friend the |
| 5| T || @ look out | Devil tew help him out. |
| 6| W || for a hotness @ @ | |
| 7| T || @ owe no @ | * * * * * |
| 8| F || man @ keep cool @ | |
| 9| S || _hail storm_ @ _hail_ | The man who haz just found |
|10| G || @ @ _stones_ @ @ | out that he kant afford tew burn |
|11| M || _weigh sevral_ @ | green wood, haz taken hiz fust |
|12| T || _tons_ @ @ that | lesson in econemy. |
|13| W || iz all @ @ @ | |
|14| T || that fell @ _the_ | * * * * * |
|15| F || @ _hot iz more_ @ @ @ | I think now if I had all the |
|16| S || _hot 8_ @ @ saw | money that iz due me i would |
|17| G || @ horses begin @ | invest it in a saw mill,--and let |
|18| M || tew pant @ @ | her rip. |
|19| T || @ _wet shower_ @ | |
|20| W || @ @ _more_ @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|21| T || @ _warm_ @ | |
|22| F || @ @ a penny | A good wife iz a sweet smile |
|23| S || saved iz @ @ | from heaven. |
|24| G || @ worth @ two _8_ | |
|25| M || lost @ @ pray | * * * * * |
|26| T || for ice @ @ | |
|27| W || @ @ flys lively | A big noze iz sed to be a sighn |
|28| T || @ now harvest | ov genius,--if a mans genius lays |
|29| F || rye for @ _8_ | in hiz noze, i should say the sighn |
|30| S || whiskee @ @ | waz a good one. |
|31| G || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_AUGUST MONOGRAPH._
This month, for sum reazon, haz got a hot way ov doing things. Awl natur
unties her corsets and loafs bi the side ov brooks, with stockingless
feet, tew ketch the cool words ov singing waters, and watch the bubles
ov sweet, that rize on the noze ov the green frog, az they set down on
themselfs, on the moss upholstered stones.
Butter spreads itself freely during this month. Snakes slip eazy, and
Cupid crawls behind the shadder ov a dieing roze, and shutes hiz gun at
the galls, and boys.
_THINGS WORTH KNOWING._
Tew milk a kicking cow, stand oph about 10 foot, and holler "_So I_ darn
you."
* * * * *
Tew make light bread, do az the bakers do,--call 9 ounces a pound.
* * * * *
Tew make oxtale soup, bile an ox in a pot, and let the caudel
continuation hang over the edge ov the pot and drip.
* * * * *
Tew git at the solid kontents ov yure wife's tongue, be verry sweet with
the new skool mom in yure distrikt.
* * * * *
Tew break a mule--commence at his head.
31 Days.
AUGUST.
1870.
Q.--What iz the capacity ov an omnibus? @ @
A.--The same az a grave yard, it takes all that cums. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now chop doun oats.
And hew doun barley,
Rize with the sun,
And go tew bed arly._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _STUB ENDS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ Expekt pack @ | |
| 2| T || pedlers @ @ _dry_ | A lie iz like a kat, it never |
| 3| W || _and hot_ @ ice | cums tew yu in a straight line. |
| 4| T || @ iz trumps @ | |
| 5| F || _great drouth_ @ | * * * * * |
| 6| S || auctioneers @ @ | |
| 7| G || @ dry @ | The longest lived thing i kno |
| 8| M || @ up @ Don' | ov, iz a nikname. |
| 9| T || Quixot fights @ | |
|10| W || a wind mill @ @ | * * * * * |
|11| T || 1342 @ gits | |
|12| F || whipped the @ | |
|13| S || @ fust round | Most men go through life az |
|14| G || @ honesty @ | rivers go tew the sea, bi following |
|15| M || iz the best @ | the lay ov the ground. |
|16| T || policy @ better | |
|17| W || @ than a life @ | * * * * * |
|18| T || @ insurance | |
|19| F || policy @ @ _uncommon_ | |
|20| S || @ _hot_ @ rag dolls | If I had a mule who wouldn't |
|21| G || perspire freely @ | neither kick, nor bite, i should |
|22| M || _rain with thunder_ * *| watch him dredful cluss till i |
|23| T || @ _heat increases_ | found out whare hiz malice did |
|24| W || @ _thermometors bile_ | lie. |
|25| T || _over_ @ Adam | |
|26| F || @ waz the @ | * * * * * |
|27| S || fust man @ | |
|28| G || _cooler_ @ @ that | The devil iz a mean kuss, he |
|29| M || @ @ kissed a | never keeps hiz own promises, |
|30| T || woman @ @ @ | but alwus makes us keep ours. |
|31| W || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_SEPTEMBER MONOGRAPH._
September iz named after "Septus" which thrashed out into Amerikan,
means seven. I wouldn't take 500 dollars for the latin i know, and i
don't kno mutch nuther. Sept. iz a lakadaisikal month, mello az the
dekayed side of a punkin, and as sensitive az a boarding school miss,
during her fust quarter in french. Natur makes her will this month--hogs
root violently--birds hold convenshuns, and adjourn down south--tree
toads boost each other up trees and warble sum anthems--katydids chew
musick and spit it out freely, and bull frogs post their books.
_MORE ADVICE TEW YOUNG SPORTSMEN._
In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so az tew miss
it if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer.
* * * * *
In fishing for krabs, use yure fingers for bait, yu kan feel them when
they fust bite.
* * * * *
Dont fire at a bumble bee on the wing, not till he settles, then take
good aim, and knok him endways.
* * * * *
In bobbing for Eels, use a raw potato, yu may not bag much Eels, but yu
kan bag a bob, that yu kan hand down tew yure ancestors untarnished.
[Illustration]
Thare are but fu sights in this life, more sublime, and
pathetick than to see a poor, but virtiuous yung man,
struggling--with a mustash.=
It iz thus, Josh Billings.
[Illustration]
I hav seen men so fond ov argument, that they would
dispute with a guide board, at the forks ov a kuntry road, about the
distance to the next town.=
What fools, Josh Billings
30 Days.
SEPTEMBER.
1870.
Q.--How fast duz sound travel? @ @ @ @
A.--The sound ov a dinner horn travels one mile in a seckond.
[Illustration]
_This month pull flax,
And teeth that ake.
Lay in bees wax,
And emptins kake._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _OLD CHEEZE._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || _Limpsey weather_ @ | |
| 2| F || @ moon in perigree | Medicine haz cost the world |
| 3| S || @ @ Jim Crow | more than bread haz, and haz |
| 4| G || born 1836 @ now | killed more than it haz cured. |
| 5| M || @ @ dry apples | |
| 6| T || for sass @ _rain_ | * * * * * |
| 7| W || _threatnings_ @ money | Marriage tew a coquette iz |
| 8| T || tight @ @ fall | often, "letters ov marque and |
| 9| F || bonnets appear @ | reprisal." |
|10| S || @ @ they are | |
|11| G || ravishing @ @ | * * * * * |
|12| M || _cool_ @ @ to a 20 | |
|13| T || dollar bill @ | It iz very diffikult for a poor |
|14| W || @ now fish for @ | man tew be superior tew hiz fortune,|
|15| T || crabs @ _rain drizzle_ | and more diffikult for a rich |
|16| F || @ crabs bite with | one. |
|17| S || their feet @ _smoky_ | |
|18| G || _weather_ @ @ and | * * * * * |
|19| M || hang on like @ | Hunting after health, iz like |
|20| T || a poor relashun @ | hunting after fleas, the more yu |
|21| W || @ use cod @ | hunt, the more _flees_ you will |
|22| T || liver oil @ | find. |
|23| F || @ _more wet_ @ for | |
|24| S || greasing waggons @ | * * * * * |
|25| G || grate snake @ | The devil iz sed tew be the |
|26| M || seen at _8_ @ | "father ov lies," if this iz so, he |
|27| T || Nuport 1820 @ 12 | haz got a numerous family, and |
|28| W || miles long @ Venus | sum very promising children |
|29| T || @ an evening star @ | amungst them. |
|30| F || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_OCTOBER MONOGRAPH._
October iz one ov the fall months, Adam iz sed tew hav fell this month,
but sich assershuns are like standing oph a half a mile, in a cloudy
day, and guessing at the number ov fleas on a dorg, more sincere, than
sartain. The strongest attrakshun for me, in this month, iz her natral
cider; the man who don't admire good natral cider, must be a condem
phool.
Prepare for a hard winter during this month, bi repenting ov yure sins,
and gitting up a good big wood pile.
_PECK'S CHURN, AND BRISTOW'S SOWING MASHEEN._
Theze churns are the pride ov invenshun, the genius ov improvement, a
viktory over time, and a conquest ov labor. They will fetch butter from
cream in 2 seckonds, from milk in 2 minnitts, and from water, inside ov
a very short time. Better be without a spellin book, or even a pack of
kards, in a growing family, than not tew hav one ov Peck's Churns. Peck
iz a philanthropist, every housewife in the world, should put on a clean
white apron, hold up both hands on high, and shout, Bully!! oh! Bully!
for Peck.
* * * * *
Buy Bristow's double-thread, cross-stitch, rivet-seam, dovetail-hemmer,
lighting-movement, krank-moshun sowing masheen. Theze masheens took all
the premiums at the late lamented Paris imposishun, and one ov them,
which waz sent tew a farmer in Tiogy county last fall, on trial, sowed
up the whole family in a hard not, in less than three days, besides
sowing fourteen acres of winter rye.
31 Days.
OCTOBER.
1870.
Q.--Will you pleaze to state what lies are? @ @
A.--Lies are the grease on the snaiks belly. @
[Illustration]
_The yello korn now scents the gale,
And harvest boys the milk maids wake,
With matin songs, in praizes of,
Hasty puddin, and Johnny kake._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _BIRDS TRACKS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ Jack Frost @ | |
| 2| G || born @ of | How menny people thare iz |
| 3| M || poor but honest | whoze souls hang in them, like |
| 4| T || @ @ parents @ now | the pith in a gooze quill. |
| 5| W || hunt for cider @ | |
| 6| T || @ moon in @ | * * * * * |
| 7| F || apogee @ @ | |
| 8| S || @ _air brittle_ @ | Opinyuns are like other kinds |
| 9| G || snakes hang @ | ov vegetables, worth jist what |
|10| M || @ up their sled | they will fetch. |
|11| T || _sighns a kold_ @ @ | |
|12| W || snap @ @ let her | * * * * * |
|13| T || snap @ @ begin | |
|14| F || yure promiskuss | When a man gits so reduced |
|15| S || sparking @ @ @ | that he kant help ennyboddy else, |
|16| G || @ @ knowledge iz | we then vote him a penshun for |
|17| M || power @ pumpkin | the rest ov hiz life, by calling him|
|18| T || pies begin @ | a _poor devil_. |
|19| W || tew loaf @ @ | |
|20| T || around @ @ | * * * * * |
|21| F || @ Bonaparte | |
|22| S || crosses the | A lie repented ov bekums the |
|23| G || rine @ @ _keen_ | truth. |
|24| M || _but cold_ @ now | |
|25| T || butcher hens | * * * * * |
|26| W || @ @ @ for | |
|27| T || thanksgiving @ | I had rather be married tew an |
|28| F || @ @ _frosty_ @ lay | unabridged Webster's diktionary, |
|29| S || in yure | than tew an unabridged literary |
|30| G || @ winter clams @ | woman. |
|31| M || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_NOVEMBER MONOGRAPH._
Everyboddy wants tow be sassy at November--to turn her the cold
shoulder--tew nuss all their old akes anew--tew look az sour az a
pot-bellyed pickle--tew hunt for a kat's tale tew step at,--but i aint!
November iz when i harvest mi happiness, when i gather into mi pious
korn krip, the moral sowing ov the whole year. I am only sorry for one
thing during the month ov November, and that iz, that i am sich a poor,
weak, unsartin, sinnerly cuss, and that mi nabers aint much better than
i am.
_SUM MORE HINTS TEW BOARDIN-HOUSE KEEPERS._
1st. If your boarders take sugar, and milk, in their kaughphy, dont put
in mutch sugar, bekauze yu kno they hav milk, and dont put in but little
milk, bekauze they hav sugar.
* * * * *
2d. Bukwheat kakes made out ov wheat bran kost less, and soak up
molasses more carefully.
* * * * *
3d. In negotiating for sassige, do yure bizzness with the bolony men,
then you kno what yu are gitting yu kant alwus tell what country sassige
kontains.
* * * * *
4th. Be kind tew cockroaches, for they often make a plate of butter last
a whole week, and when you pray, alwus pray for the light eaters.
30 Days.
NOVEMBER.
1870.
Q.--What iz the eazyest vittles tew digest? @
A.--A good joke. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Pick apples now, and cider make,
And in a barrel juice it,
Then git a straw, without a flaw,
And through the straw seduce it._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SHOE PEGS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || _Sour cold_ @ a | |
| 2| W || @ @ stampede in | A debt iz alwus a growing, if |
| 3| T || Brigham (@) | it dont gro in size, it grows in |
| 4| F || Youngs family @ | heft. |
| 5| S || @ _more cold_ @ he | |
| 6| G || suddenly bekums @ | * * * * * |
| 7| M || unwedded @ _more_ | There iz lots ov folks in the |
| 8| T || [@@] _sour_ @ for a | world, who covet misfortins jist |
| 9| W || large () amount | for the luxury ov grunting. |
|10| T || _rain_ @ and iz | |
|11| F || @ left a 75 hoss | * * * * * |
|12| S || power widdower @ | |
|13| G || @ _clammy and raw_ | Hope iz a draft on fewturity, |
|14| M || Brigham burys @ | sumtimes honored, but generally |
|15| T || himself in @ | extended. |
|16| W || weeds @ _blustering_ | |
|17| T || @ at the bottom ov @ | * * * * * |
|18| F || his garden patch @ | Prosperity makes phools, and |
|19| S || @ _cold with sourness_ | adversity cures them. |
|20| G || Brother Brigham | |
|21| M || rallys @ _sighns ov_ | * * * * * |
|22| T || _snow_ @ he iz sealed | |
|23| W || seven times in one | A dandy iz one ov Fashion's |
|24| T || day @ @ _sour_ | Eunuchs. |
|25| F || _with wetness_ @ @ | |
|26| S || * sealing wax | * * * * * |
|27| G || advances 10 @ @ | If yu want a true friend, hire |
|28| M || [*] cents on a stick | him bi the month, and pay him |
|29| T || now chop wood @ | fair wages. |
|30| W || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_DECEMBER MONOGRAPH._
This iz the last month in the Josh Billings Farmers Alminax. Other
dutys, ov a maskuline natur hav forced us tew haul in our gang plank. We
would like tew hav hung on a month or two longer, and made a big thing
ov it. Dear Reader we must part, and it iz like pulling angleworms out
ov their holes, almost sure tew part the angleworms. I shall think ov yu
az long az i liv, please tew resiprokate, when yu remember me, by
uttering a tear. I hav taken a kontrakt tew remove the muskeeters from
the State ov Nu Jersee, west of the Rocky Mountains, tew their new
reservashun, and i am anxious tew git the bulk ov them started before
they thaw out. I may lose mi life in the undertakin, but i have bin told
by good judges, that it is sweet tew die for ones country. I kant tell
whether this iz so or not, i never tried it. Good bye, this kussid
muskeeter kontrakt iz wearing on me.
_FAMILY MEDICINE._
_Joel Biggs' Sticking Salve._
A thing well stuck, iz stuck forever.
This salve will stick enny man.
It will undoubtedly stick the "coming man."
It haz stuck every man that haz cum yet.
No family should be without this matchless sticker.
(Unless they are too much stuck up allreddy.)
It iz put up in sticks twenty feet long,
To stick a man at a distance.
31 Days.
DECEMBER.
1870.
Q.--Let us hear yu define water? @ @ @ @ @
A.--Water iz,----iz goose bitters. @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Pile hi the harth, with beechen wood,
Load down the kitchen table,
Fill up the old klay pipe,
And go it while yure able._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _GOOD BYES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ @ _Cold_ @ @ | |
| 2| F || _snow_ now @ @ | I thank God most fervently for |
| 3| S || inflate sassige @ | one thing, and that iz, when |
| 4| G || "Necessity iz the | everyboddy else iz happy, i am |
| 5| M || @ () mother ov | sure to be. |
| 6| T || invenshun" @ @ | |
| 7| W || @ _more snow_ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 8| T || invenshun waz born | |
| 9| F || in Nu England @ | Love iz sed tew be blind, but i |
|10| S || @ _cold_ @ Plymouth | kno lots ov phellows in love, who |
|11| G || rock discovered @ | kan see twice az mutch in their |
|12| M || 1620 @ punch fires | sweethearts as i kan. |
|13| T || @ @ Old Zip | |
|14| W || Coon died | * * * * * |
|15| T || 1840 @ _snow_ @ too | |
|16| F || much hard @ | |
|17| S || cider floored him @ | If yu want tew git a sure krop, |
|18| G || @ @ _bitter cold_ @ | and a big yield, sow wild oats. |
|19| M || @ Santy Claws | |
|20| T || created @ year | * * * * * |
|21| W || disputed @ thare | |
|22| T || iz menny a @ @ | |
|23| F || @ rose born tew @ | The chains ov slavery are none |
|24| S || blush unseen @ @ | the lighter for being made ov |
|25| G || @ espeshilly negroes | gold. |
|26| M || [-] _more colder_ [- | |
|27| T || 1870 dies @ | * * * * * |
|28| W || pile on the @ | |
|29| T || @ @ bedclothes ¶ @ | In youth we run into difikultys, |
|30| F || good night @ @ @ @ @ | in old age, difikultys run into us. |
|31| S || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_EXTRA EKLIPSES FOR THE YEAR 1870._
There will be eklipses this year which have been overlooked by other
Allminax makers.
* * * * *
_First._--Thare will be semiockasional eklipses ov the moon, kauzed bi
brandy smashes gitting between that virtewous and pale old woman, and
the eyes ov sum ov our most promising young men.
* * * * *
_Second._--There will be a few eklipses ov the Son, kauzed bi the old
gentleman cutting oph the supplys ov Charles Fitz Henry Augustus. (Bully
for the old gentleman.)
* * * * *
_Third._--Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked
eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and
cantering around promiskuss.
* * * * *
_Fourth._--Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the _Year
1870_, ov all other Allminax, throughout the earth, upper and lower
kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov
the JOSH BILLINGS' FARMERS' ALLMINAX.
Pordunk Valley Rail Road.
RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS.
1. Conduktors are positively forbid trieing tew pass each other on a
single track.
2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the
platforms,--menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform
drop from under him.
3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless
they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are.
4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well
greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide
belongs tew them; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew
the president of the road.
5. Enny switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10
dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum
untill the fine iz paid.
6. No konduktor iz invited tew remain on this road 10 minnits who hasn't
heard ov the 10 commandments, espeshily the one which sez "_thou shalt
not spondulick thyself with the dimes ov another_."
7. No charges made on this road for coroners' inquests.
HOW THEY DO TALK
ABOUT
Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax
FOR THE YEAR 1870.
"Giv me liberty, or giv me deth, but if i kant hav either, giv me Josh
Billings' allminax for 1870."
* * * * *
"It kured mi wife ov wanting to die."
* * * * *
"It iz like peper sass in a hot day."
* * * * *
"The Billings Allminax will go father in a family than 12 dozen ov
ginger popp."
* * * * *
"When i am sad and lonely, i fli tew its pages, like a bumblebee tew a
full blown dandylion."
* * * * *
"It gave me grate presence ov mind."
* * * * *
"My wife brings up her ophspring, and duz all her plain sowing bi yure
allminaxes."
* * * * *
"How cooling, and perforating it iz."
_THE NATRAL HORNET_
The hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, ov sudden impreshuns, and a
sharp konklusion. The hornets alwus fites at short range, and never argy
a case, they settle all ov their disputes bi letting their javelin fly,
and are az certain, and az anxious tew hit, az a mule iz. Hornets bild
their nest whereever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to
move, for what would it profit a man tew murder 99 hornets, and have the
one hundred one hit him with hiz javelin. I kan't tell you jist tew a
day how long a hornet kan live, but I kno from experience, that every
bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else, who iz mad all the time, and stings
every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all ov his nabors.
_DOMESTIK RECEIPTS._
To make good ginger-snaps, take one pound of ginger, stir in a half
dozen ov lively snaps, do them to a brown, and then lock them up, or the
yung ones will hook them.
* * * * *
To learn a dog tew follow well, tie him tew the hind end ov an express
train.
* * * * *
To find out whether a man has got a good moral karakter or not, ask him
pleasantly.
* * * * *
To cure herring,--use Godfrey's Kordial.
_THE PROMISCUSS COCKROACH._
The Cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov
civilizashun. The Cockroach iz born on the fust ov May, and the fust ov
November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date.
They are born four from each egg, and consequently they are all twins;
thare iz no sich thing in the annals ov natur, az a single cockroach.
Their food seems to consist, not so mutch ov what they eat, az what they
kan git into, and often finding them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding
house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun, that the cockroach kan't
swim, but that he kan float for a long time.
_HINTS TEW YUNG WIFES._
1. Don't undertake tew liv with yure mother-in-law, but if wuss cums tew
a wussness, let yure mother-in-law liv with yu.
* * * * *
2. Never let yure husband kno more than one haff the affeckshun yu hav
for him.
* * * * *
3. Don't name a yung one after a bachelor brother, nor a bachelor
sister.
* * * * *
4. Observe theze rules fondly, keep yure feet dri, and yure hair slick,
and yu will prove a model wife, (and after that), an acceptable widder.
[Illustration]
I notiss one thing,--the man who rides on the kars every
day, iz satisfied with one seat, but he who rides once a year, wants
4.=
That's so. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
The man whom yu kant git to write poetry, or tell the
truth, untill yu git him haff drunk aint worth the investment.=
No sir. Josh Billings
31 Days.
JANUARY.
1871.
Q.--Who waz the best dead beat? @ @
A.--Cain: he dead beat his brother Abel. @ @
[Illustration]
_He who by the plough would thrive,
Must no 2 forty kattle drive,
But worry the ground to and fro,
With horned kritters who skasely seem to go._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _HASH ON TOAST._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ _Grate cold_ @ @ | |
| 2| M || Adam born @ @ | All the good injuns die young. |
| 3| T || _cold grows_ @ | |
| 4| W || @ @ Adam had no | * * * * * |
| 5| T || mother [@] @ | Mankind love misterys, a hole |
| 6| F || @ _simptoms ov a_ | in the ground excites more wonder |
| 7| S || _thawness_ @ bi | than a star up in heaven. |
| 8| G || industry we thrive | |
| 9| M || _it looks like snow_ | * * * * * |
|10| T || Eve born @ _8_ | |
|11| W || _i shouldn't wonder_ | Jist about az cerimonys creep |
|12| T || _if it did snow_ | into one end ov a church, piety |
|13| F || Eve waz a | backs out at the other. |
|14| S || success @ @ @ | |
|15| G || grate sassige riot | * * * * * |
|16| M || in 1612 @ @ | |
|17| T || now haul ice @ @ | Blessed are they who hav no |
|18| W || 50,000 sassige | eye for a key hole. |
|19| T || destroyed @ _a thaw_ | |
|20| F || _threatens_ @ Adam | * * * * * |
|21| S || waz a confiding man | Don't mistake vivacity for wit, |
|22| G || thaw more threatensome | thare iz about az mutch difference |
|23| M || @ he took | az thare iz between lightning and |
|24| T || the chances § | a lightning bug. |
|25| W || _colder_ @ @ @ | |
|26| T || and got badly beat | * * * * * |
|27| F || @ @ _mercury_ | |
|28| S || @ _an inch_ @ @ | A coquett in love iz az tame az |
|29| G || belo zero @ @ | a bottle ov ginger pop that haz |
|30| M || @ @ beware of the | stood sum time with the corck |
|31| T || gout @ @ @ @ | pulled out. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE UNIVERSAL SWINE._
The Swine, (almost always) hav four legs, tho thare iz sum remarkable
exceptshuns to this rule. Swine are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat
what is sot before them, and don't ask enny phoolish questions. The
Swine kan be larnt a great menny amusing things, sich az highsting the
front gate oph from the hinges, and finding a hole in the fence to git
into the cornfield, but it iz dredful hard work for them tew find the
same hole tew git out at, espeshily if yu are in a hurry to hav them.
This haz never bin fully explained, but speaks vollums for the swine.
Swine can all root well, a swine that kant root well, iz a poor job.
_HINTS TEW YUNG HUSBANDS._
1. Marriage iz a fair transackshun on the face of it.
* * * * *
2. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky.
* * * * *
3. Sum marry for pedigree and feel big for six months, and then cum tew
the conklusion, that pedigree aint no better than skim-milk.
* * * * *
4. Sum marry tew pleaze their relashuns and are surprized that their
relashuns don't kare a cuss for them afterwards.
* * * * *