In September began another chapter of my inner history. I had never
before been all night on a train, and of course the trip west was of
great interest to me. Examinations were the first things to think about.
Accredited high schools were not then in vogue, and I had to run the
gamut, which I did without any trouble, and came out with flying
colors—much to the joy of my sister and brother-in-law.
My sister was loved by everyone—young and old—as was Peter, and their
home was one of the popular social centers, both in the university life
and in that of the two adjoining cities. With this setting, added
perhaps to certain qualities which may have exerted an attraction, I at
once became popular and was whirled into college life with a bang. Beaux
galore, but I was still faithful to my young lover who “went west.” I
told a few of my girl friends, who were thrilled to know that I was
engaged.
Tennis, horseback riding (side saddle), dancing, “buggy riding,” and so
forth filled all of my free time, and life was one glorious adventure
after another, and I was “on top of the wave.” Studies did not weigh
heavily on my mind, as I learned quickly and took them none too
seriously.
I spoke of riding horseback on one of those awful side saddles, which
brings back to my mind something which should have come earlier into
these recordings. Back on the farm, we used to ride bare-back like wild
Indians, and I was one of the most fearless. I owned my dear horse who
would never let another pass him. One day I had a long gallop,
bare-back, and suddenly experienced a tremendous thrill which went
through my whole being. I could not understand how it came or why.
Several times I felt the same sensation when the ride was very long. I
remember that it was always felt that I had been riding too long, as I
was tired and quiet after such rides. I now know that I had been aroused
to the point of orgasm. In later years, when in my dreams I was riding
horseback, I would experience the same thrill.
Let us now return to college where I was to benefit by “higher
education.” Being in the family of one of the faculty, I was naturally
thrown more with other young people similarly connected. The president’s
daughter was a sophomore at the time I entered, but kindly took me under
her wing, so to speak. She was a beautiful girl, clever in her studies
but awkward in her dancing, so she was not popular with the boys. (This
university was co-educational.) She had a tempting mouth, and I was very
much drawn to her. No boy had ever made love to her, and she seemed
quite happy in my demonstrations of affection. Her lips always reminded
me of rose petals.
I was still very fond of my “sweet girl,” with whom I still
corresponded, as I did with my masculine lover in the West. I can see
now that I was ever groping for the love that satisfied. Perhaps I was
wholly fickle. I am not trying to establish any particular character,
simply endeavoring to portray the difficult problems which children and
young people have to meet, and how terribly handicapped they are from
lack of enlightenment early in life.
I am dealing with all of these sexual sensations, as they came to me in
as correct a sequence as I can recall.
These “rose kisses” were often asked for and often given, but at times
withheld, which of course made them doubly desirable. We would write
many ardent notes, as we were not free to be together as much as we
would have liked, being in different classes and faithful to our
studies.
This girl had a brother who was a devotee of my sister’s. He was the
first suitor I had. Anything verging on an alliance was promptly vetoed
by our families, as it would interfere with our futures! I was never
very serious with the boys, and I was probably considered a flirt. They
were useful, and then there was a certain fascination in the feeling
that I attracted them, and was considered popular, so I dangled them all
about and each one filled some place in my program for pleasure, but
this was not of a sexual character. When they became too ardent, I was
through with them.
My brother-in-law, Peter, had, in addition to his teaching, charge of
the great library. All the new books had to be catalogued, leaves cut,
and so forth, before they were ready for the shelves. I was always glad
to assist him with this work and so relieve my sister, as she often
helped to fix up the books, as did many other students who had free time
and the inclination to be of service.
This work was done in a private room which was always kept locked when
the work was going on, as well as at other times. Going to this room
with Peter, and being locked in there with him, never attracted any
attention, for this was the custom when anyone was helping him.
One day while we were working he grabbed my hands and told me how he had
grown to love me, not as a father (“Papee” as I had always called him).
I treated this as a joke and answered him in that way.
It was a standing joke in the university, among all of our intimate
friends, that sooner or later every girl or woman connected with the
college fell in love with Peter. I believe this was true, and his final
downfall may be attributed to this faculty of “charming” so many. I
reminded him of this saying among our friends, said he could count me
out of this category, and tried to make him go on with the work. I was
going to leave the room, but it was locked, and he had the key. I found
he was determined to make love to me, as he called it, and I was equally
determined that he should not. We tussled, but he was a giant in
strength. He warned me not to make a disturbance, and then came the
awful arguments which unfortunately were too familiar to me!
My sister adored him, as I did her. Could I break her heart and make the
man give up his work? Wheels within wheels! He protested that he loved
my sister better than his life but that he was sexually starved, as she
did not care for the usual intercourse. I’ve often wondered whether her
nature might have been like mine. I realize that she had very close girl
and women friends all her life.
However, I yielded, again, as I thought, to keep peace in the family and
to save all from battle and sudden death! How I wished that I could
experience some pleasure in that awful contact which I seemed fated to
endure. The first of my first year in college! How I hated myself by
this time. I felt that I was nothing but a low animal, and might well
have been a prostitute. I just didn’t care much what happened.
No animal spirits went into this phase. I evaded the opportunities as
often as I could, but when it was inevitable, I simply became an
unwilling piece of furniture. I was, however, able to forget that role,
and entered with enthusiasm into my studies and the gaieties connected
with college life. I always took, or was being given, active parts in
organization work, and was looked upon as a model student. No one ever
knew the tuition I was called upon to pay.
As I had such a horror of the sexual life I was forced to lead, I was
comforted by the knowledge that it was not my real self, and my real
self did enjoy the normal happy life which was before me. I did enjoy it
in spite of the black pages.
The side of my nature which called for a female mate worried me, as I
thought that I was the only girl with such a nature. But that side was
very real too.
The rose leaf lipped girl passed out of my life. That attachment was
catalogued as purely sentimental. The break came as a result of her
family being disinclined to have the younger son, who was very
persistent in his devotions, become entangled in any matrimonial
venture. The president and I clashed when I flatly refused the
attentions of an older son who was teaching in the University. In fact,
the old man himself has been over-ardent at times, and had to be placed
where he belonged.
Years and years afterwards, I met this mighty president at the
Pan-American exposition, as he was sneaking out of a dance hall where a
Nautch dance was advertised. He was greatly embarrassed and greeted me
too affably. I had the opportunity of glancing at the sign over his head
and, with rather a sneering glance, I let his extended hand fall limply
to his side without contact with mine.
My next girl friend was very musical. She sang and played very well, and
this attracted me. Her mother had passed on and my sister was a sort of
mother to her, so that she was much at our house. Peter did not seem to
favor this friendship, which was explained later when I found he had
been making love to her himself, and that she was much in love with him.
This discovery was not made until long after she and I had been parted.
In my second year I became interested in a boy in my class who came from
a fine family and was accepted by my sister as a desirable companion,
although Peter never approved of anyone who began to show me marked
attention.
This fellow was good looking, a wonderful dancer, and _did_ give the
“sweetest kisses,” as the girl of whom I have just spoken told me. She
evidently had tried many. In my junior year I did become engaged to him.
I was not in love and never felt drawn to him other than for the reasons
which I have described. I was becoming more and more worried because I
was not like other girls, so I felt that I had better get married as
soon as my school days were over, and become normal, as it was supposed
that a girl who had sweethearts and wanted to be married was wholly
normal.
My interest in girls persisted, however, and I could not get up much
enthusiasm over the marriage idea.
To go back a bit. There was a girl in my class who seemed to be trying
to win my favor. I did not care for this at all, as I preferred to be
the one to woo when I became attracted to a girl. One time I accepted
her invitation to stay all night with her. We were going to a ball, and
it seemed a natural and a convenient thing to do.
When we went to bed, she was in a very affectionate state of mind and
wanted me to kiss her. I did not want to, as I was not attracted to her
in the least. She said that dancing always made her crazy for
demonstrations of some sort.
In my sessions of lovemaking with the girl whose company had been
forbidden to me, I realize now that she at times experienced the
climactic relief for her sexual desire, but even then the sensations
which I have described as being at the tip of my breast bone was what I
felt must have been the same as her feelings, only that I was better
able to control my expressions of bliss.
My summers at home were full of gaiety and I was able to keep
brother-in-law at his distance. He was now dancing about with various
and sundry females, quite openly, and much to the sorrow of my sister,
who finally had to divorce him, though happily not through my offices. I
had made up my mind, however, that if it were necessary, I would go on
the stand to testify as to his infidelity. This, of course was years
after the time of which I am writing.