The second year in college brought into my life probably the most
astonishing experience that ever a girl went through. My earlier
experiences I know that all girls—or rather many—have had, their denials
notwithstanding.
With the opening of the fall term and my junior year, came a new
professor and his wife from an eastern city. As our family was the only
one from that part of the world, we were among the first to become
acquainted, and soon became fast friends.
These people had no children, and they seemed to like me, so I was at
their house a great deal when through with my studies, staying often for
dinner and the evening, when my sister and Peter would come for me and
for a visit. I felt a great attraction for the wife, whom we will call
Flo, as she is to figure largely in my life from this point onward. I
had not yet become entangled with the youth who danced and kissed so
well, and I found that my affections were turning Flo-ward very rapidly.
Being of a naturally affectionate and demonstrative disposition, a trait
coming to me directly from my father (whom I have always been said to
resemble in many characteristics), I began very timidly to show my
increasing love for Mrs. Flo. She seemed to return my fondness, and I
proceeded to make love in the accepted way of sending flowers, and doing
little things to please her. I was in fact, quite devoted.
Peter was also making a definite impression on Flo. Both the Professor
and Flo loved my sister, as did everyone. We were all together at one
home or the other nearly every night for dinner, cards, or just to chat
or go to some function connected with the college or to the theater.
Soon I was expected as a regular dinner guest every Thursday night, and
to spend the night. Then began the little visits to my room by Flo after
I was in bed, when some very tender moments of love were experienced.
Little kisses and big kisses and finally she would leave me to go to her
own bed and husband, whom I am sure she adored, as he did her. I would
be left with a longing for her that I could hardly bear.
Now do not raise your eyebrows, O, pious one, and close this book with
the worn-out phrase, “I never heard of such things.” It was but
yesterday that I took a popular best-seller from the private library
here in this little town and, before taking it, I glanced at the list of
the readers who had the book before me, and there were the names of all
your daughters. Boys don’t bother to read about what they get at first
hand. In the novel, I read of all the things of which I am writing, but
of course couched in terms so glossed over that the prudish censor
prefers to read it rather than cast it aside.
I am telling the plain truth of things which so many know about, from
babyhood almost to the grave, but dare not admit that such things exist.
Despise me if you will, but let the sacrifice I am making have its
desired affect, to make you think and acknowledge the sins of your past,
and try to help the unborn babe and the many children who today are
bearing children without the benefit of clergy.
During the next summer, my sister and Peter stayed in the West, but I
went home as usual. Flo and the Professor visited me there. I had not
seen her for so long, one may realize the joy at our meeting. My mother
seemed to notice my unusual excitement, especially when we would return
from a long walk or drive. I could see that she was watching things very
carefully and was getting rather worried. Soon mother had a talk with
me, and said she felt that I was too interested in the Professor and
thought that the visit should come to an end. I protested that I was not
in love with him. I acknowledged that it was Flo of whom I was fond, but
mother said she knew better, and it must stop. The only way she could
accomplish this was for mother to go to bed, and pretend to be so ill
that she would have to ask them to bring their visit to a close.
I told Flo what the reason was, but we thought it best for them to go.
After a while Flo wrote to mother, assuring her that the attachment was
between us and that the Professor was not in my mind in the least, and
that she hoped that my mother would believe all was well. Whatever
mother thought I never knew, for she was a woman of few words. The
matter was then dropped.
That summer, the young lover appeared at my home for a visit and to go
through the family inspection as a candidate for my heart and hand. He
was approved and the engagement was announced, with the usual
festivities. He was obliged to return west before I did, so I soon
followed alone. I felt that I was quite “in love” and had the proper
feelings for this swain, yet deep in my heart it was the feeling that I
was to be again with Flo that made me happy to go back. I was rather
lonely on that, my first long trip alone, and imagine my surprise and
sincere delight to have my lover walk into the train the last evening of
the trip. He had traveled a day and a night to meet me at a point where
there was a long wait. He brought me flowers and candy, and did and said
all the dear things that a well-trained lover should do. He was really
fond of me. I felt that I was doing the thing that was expected of me,
and so I was quite content.
How he begged me to get off at a large city we were approaching, and be
married then and there and have it all over! I was sorely tempted to do
so, but when I thought of the disappointment of my family, who had
looked for such great results from my course in college, I simply could
not do it.
Afterwards I wished that I had done as he desired. We sat together in
our intimate conversation long after everyone else had retired and
finally we decided to do likewise. We noted that there was no one in the
berth above mine, much to my joy. In a very short time, what did that
youth do but come to my berth, part the curtains and tell me not to
speak. He then got in and held me tightly in his arms and pleaded with
me to consummate our marriage. He said that we were really married in
the sight of God, and what mattered anything else.
Well, why not? There was the “trial marriage” plan, even away back so
many years. So that was to be marriage! After that night all the
illusions had vanished. I had believed that a real marriage would bring
about different results, and at least different sensations, but alas! I
knew then that I could never bring myself to the point of really
marrying him.
Of course he went to his own berth before morning. We both got up rather
early and had breakfast, and were sitting and talking very properly,
when who should walk in but Peter! Rather crestfallen, I thought, to
find the youth there before him.
That was a funny day’s journey. The two of them sitting there, hating
each other, and I hating them both. My lover had thought that I would
that day finally accede to his wishes, and get off the train somewhere,
and have the ceremony performed. Peter probably thought he would be able
to have a little seance of his own, but instead both simply glared all
day.
My thoughts were all with Flo and the hours seemed to drag more and
more. But at last we arrived, and many friends were there to meet me.
I had to bide my time before breaking the engagement, as I did not seem
to have any good excuse. At last I found one, and that chapter was
ended, apparently much to the sorrow of the youth. I was sorry, for he
left the university, as I did not want to break up his career. But he
afterwards married and lived happily ever after.
When it was found that I was free, suitors were numerous. I would have
none of them, except as escorts to the many functions at which they were
necessary adjuncts. I was happy in my love for Flo, happy in that I made
her happy, because I knew for myself no greater happiness than that.