Right in the midst of this solemn love affair of mine, when I felt that
I was doing the one and only thing a girl should do: have a beau, there
came to me the first urge of sex desire.
One of the older boys of the town who had been away for some time, and
whom I scarcely knew, though I had heard the girls rave about him, came
home for a visit. It was said that at some time or other every girl and
woman in town had been in love with him. He was handsome, sang divinely,
danced, skated, and did all these things perfectly. His eyes were very
enticing. He was taking singing lessons from my father, and I used to
love listening to the music, while those lessons were going on.
I was one of the younger girls, and had received no attention from him,
other than an occasional dance or as a skating partner, when he would
compliment me in my skill in both of these sports. He was at this time,
by the way, devoted to the girl who had so attracted me in school.
One evening, we were at a party of some kind, and I found myself
watching him a great deal and I often caught his naughty eyes, which
seemed to say things that I hardly understood. My regular beau was not
there that evening and when the time for departure came, much to my
surprise and to that of everyone, my new admirer asked to “see me home.”
I was really glad, and I think in some way he must have gained the
impression that I was drawn to him that evening.
When he suggested a longer walk as the shorter way home I was thrilled,
and found I had fallen completely under his charm or whatever it was,
for I made no remonstrances to any of his advances and found that I not
only felt a great thrill but wanted all and even more than he gave me.
There came that psychological moment which comes into every girl’s life,
when nothing under the heavens could deter her impulse for sexual relief
unless she had been taught that it would come to her and how to protect
herself from giving way to it. I was not satisfied, few women ever are.
I was left high and dry in a state of mad desire and casually taken home
to face the music. I was much later than was expected and mother had
sent father out to look for me. Some one had seen us going down a
certain lane which was quite a rendezvous for lovers, I later
understood. My father met us as we were returning and the young man was
promptly dismissed and I was conducted home by father!
I realized later, as I failed to do then, that because of my excited
condition, which must have been apparent and the reputation of the young
man, my parents must have known what had been going on. Being too old
for spanking, I was sent to bed, with instruction that I was never again
even to speak to, let alone dance or skate with, that young man again.
The music lessons also ceased, and I longed to tell my parents that the
affair was all my fault (as in most cases I argue that it is the fault
of the girl when she is “led astray”). But again I did not dare, as I
knew there was no understanding between us and, if I were to tell them
that it was the only time in my life that I had ever felt that impulse,
I knew they would not believe me. And I would not have them believe it
was my nature to do such things.
This ended my friendship for that young man, who treated me with great
scorn thereafter. Fortunately for me, there was never a return of that
madness for him or for anyone else—except once in my life, long—long
afterwards. Of this I will speak later.
I have had great respect for that young man, as I realize now that he
must have been very careful not to run the risk of my becoming pregnant
at that time, for I was in just the mood for conception to occur. He
was, however, wise in such matters. It is strange that there were so few
girls who got into “trouble” then, as so many do now. It would have
become known then, as I am now sure, for there did occur such cases at
rare intervals, and I know that intercourse was as common then as now.
There comes to my mind here an occurrence in the small town adjoining
the one where I am writing this book. In the high school there was a
girl, belonging to one of the very best families, who was to graduate in
a few months. She had a suitor of whom her father did not approve. A
short time ago she was found to be in a family way, at the three months’
period. Her father was distracted and at once went to the young business
man who was responsible, and had him arrested and tried before all the
people who knew both the man and the girl. All of the details of their
long association were laid bare. One can imagine what effect this had on
that poor girl.
The father demanded that they should be married at once—an end they had
both long desired, but which had been defeated by the objections of the
now irate parent. Too late the father realized his sad mistake. His only
daughter had no reputation left among the people of that town and the
young married people had to go to some far-away place to begin their
lives over again, with the stigma placed upon them by the “doting”
father. That man has not much respect left for himself. There was such a
feeling of disgust for the way he handled the case that there was
whispering regarding tar and feathers for the father. At this writing
the feeling has not died down, but the small town does not dare take
drastic measures to give the right man his due.
Now back to my own muttons. The following winter I fell desperately in
love with one of my teachers, a woman. This great wave came over me one
day when I was standing at her desk. She had one arm around me and, as
she was pointing out some problem on the paper on her desk, I noticed
the many little veins which showed over the knuckles of her fingers, and
I could see the pulse beating there. I did not then understand that she
probably felt drawn to me sexually, and that the impulse was coming to
me through so strange a medium as the veins of her fingers. I was
fascinated by her. I was frequently called to her recitation room, and
when the lesson which had been the reason for my being called was
disposed of, she would pet me and hold me very tightly. I was thrilled
and lingered long in her embrace and enjoyed her kisses hugely.
The sister of my brother-in-law, of whom I have spoken as playing the
piano so wonderfully, affected me the same way and she was drawn to me
also. She would have me sleep with her and would kiss me and hold me in
her arms all night. I was always happy there.
I know now that this poor woman, a marvelous musical genius, who later
had to be taken to a sanitarium for mental disorders, was the victim of
sexual starvation. She was never married, nor did she have affairs with
men, as she was not physically attractive. But one knew from her music
the intensity of her nature and, with no physical outlet for these
emotions, her life was wrecked. My emotions never reached the sexual
organs or the organs of generation, which I always looked upon in the
greatest contempt, believing that they were only put there to annoy
girls and interfere periodically with their pleasures. One day I found a
medical book hidden away in my mother’s closet, and from it I learned
all about the methods of producing babies, so that matter was at last
somewhat cleared up in my mind. Both the male and female organs were
pictured and I was disgusted with it all. I thought it was a very nasty
book to be found in my mother’s possession, and wondered why I should
have been so vigilantly spanked when any reference was made to these
organs and such knowledge was questioned, when she harbored that book in
her closet. She must have been ashamed of it, too, to be so secret about
it.
What a fine equipment for a healthy young girl to have during the
adolescence period!
During the coming winter, my sister in the city was very ill. Her little
boy baby was very fond of me and she felt that it would be a great
comfort to have me come to be with him, as he was not very happy with
his nurse and missed his mother, who was too ill to have him with her.
So I was taken out of school and sent to Boston, where I had never
visited them in their city home.
My sister’s husband has always been most kind to all of our family. He
had plenty of money and had often helped our family over rough places.
He and my sister did much for me when I visited them during the summers
of which I have spoken. I was very fond of him, naturally, as I had been
a pet of his since I was a little girl.
I felt him a bit too ardent perhaps when we were dancing, but, as I
found all men the same, and believing it to be the thrill of the dance,
I passed it off lightly. Physically, I was never attracted by him. In
dancing with my “sweet girl” I would become greatly aroused and could
hardly restrain my impulse to kiss her. That was to me the acme of
bliss, when those sensations occurred.
This visit to my sister was very different from the ones I had made in
the summer, in point of gaieties. She was very ill and had trained
nurses in attendance. I was with the little son during his waking hours,
going with him and his nurse into the park for his outings and playing
with him, as I loved to do, and he was very happy with me.
My room was on the parlor floor while the rest of the family were on the
floor above and the servants still above that. One night as my
brother-in-law was out for the evening I went to bed rather early. I was
awakened by his coming into the room and up to my bed. He told me not to
speak, as my sister had just gone to sleep. He sat down by the bed and
talked, or rather whispered, about being so lonely and worried, and of
course I was very sympathetic and tried to cheer him up. Soon I felt his
head on the bed as though he was crying and before I knew it he had
pulled down the bedclothes and was kissing my knees. I begged him to
stop and tried to cover myself up. He again warned me not to make a
noise as it would kill my sister if she knew he were there. I was old
enough to know that there would be that result if, at the critical time
in her illness, she were to know of his being with me, so I kept still
while his kisses became more intense.
The sensation was so intense, I must have lost my head entirely as I
made no remonstrance to his further advances. When he left me, I was
filled with horror and disgusted beyond compare. How I loathed him for
what I felt was taking such an unfair advantage of me, and for the utter
lack of fidelity to his poor sick wife. When I had a chance to talk with
him the next day, I was violent in my condemnation of his treatment and
vowed, if he ever attempted such a thing again, I would go straight home
and tell my mother about it.
Then came the old arguments which to me, alas! were all too familiar! He
pictured the disgrace which would come to both families, of the probable
killing of my sister coming at this critical time. If not that, and if
she believed me, which was doubtful, he would say it was all a lie on my
part, and oh! it all seemed such a tangle! How I wished I were dead! Had
I dared, I would have ended it all, but I loved life and the thought of
ending it brought terror to my soul. So I gave in and promised not to
make a fuss.
I finished my last year in the high school that year. My boy lover had
graduated and “gone west young man” the summer before. Before he went,
we thought it would be wiser to tell our parents of our wish to be
really engaged. I was very much in earnest when I told my mother of our
love for each other. She was, much to my surprise, very calm and
seemingly sympathetic and took the whole thing seriously. For once, I
was not punished—as I feared I might be—for I had come to the point when
I had given up all hopes of ever being understood by one who it seemed
to me should always see my point of view.
She said that perhaps it would be better to wait for at least a year, as
I was only fifteen, and then, if we still felt the same way about it, we
could talk it over. We were to write every two weeks, and my mother
advised that the letters should be such that all of our schoolmates
could read, as they would naturally be interested in the welfare of the
youth. This seemed reasonable. I will say that they were little personal
letters, always written in red ink, which thrilled me as symbolic of
“heart’s blood.” So that was that. The letters kept up for two years and
I had the satisfaction of feeling that I was a real girl because I had a
lover! I never was in love with him as I was with my “sweet girl.”
The great question before the house now was my future education. It
seemed to be an established fact that, as I had always stood high in my
classes, I might have a brain worthy of further development. My father
was not able to send me to college, so both of my brothers-in-law
offered to give me a college course. I was to decide where it would be.
The one living in Boston argued for the institutions in Massachusetts,
as a Bostonian would, but I felt the tuition fee which I might have to
pay in my proximity to that faction would be too great. So much to the
horror of all my Boston connections, I chose the midwestern university
where my other brother-in-law was a professor. The sister whose husband
was located in the West was much older than I, and I had always
worshipped her. Her husband was old enough to be my father, and I had
known him almost as long.
They were married when I was very young, and I had always been a great
pet of both of them. In fact, Peter (we will call this brother-in-law)
had always called me “Babe.”
I am the last one of all that large family left, and it is with the
conviction that no one will be hurt by these revelations that I am
making public record of these experiences.
As my older sister had no children, I made that point in my decision to
go west. Again, I had no love for girls as a class, and a women’s
college did not appeal to me. Of course I did not dare give my real
reason for my decision.
It was decreed that I should have one more “gay” summer with my sister
at the seashore, before getting down to the four year’s grind in the
“wild and wooly” west. I tried to think up all sorts of excuses for not
going but, as my sister there wanted to see about my outfit, I had to
go. I was on my guard, however, and did not allow any advances on the
part of that brother-in-law.
It was a wonderful summer, very gay, as usual. I was quite a young lady
by this time, and had much attention.
The Governor of Massachusetts, whose country estate enjoined that of my
sister, had recently lost his wife. His family were great friends of my
sister’s, and he was at their home a great deal. This summer, the Boston
cadets were in camp not far from these two homes, which made it still
gayer for the young ladies. There was to be a Governor’s night at the
camp, and the question came up as to who should accompany the Governor
to the festivities on that occasion. He jokingly, as I thought, said,
“Well, young lady, I think you will have to go with me.”
One can imagine my surprise and delight to be chosen for that much
coveted role. Yet there was even then a fly in the ointment, as one of
the cadets who lived in the town had pleaded for my company, as soon as
the official duties were over at the review.
However, I went with the Governor, and was shown all the courtesies of
the situation and was, of course, proud indeed.
When all was over in the way of formality, I was seized on by the young
cadet, and we had a quiet stroll. Meantime, the Governor’s party was
about to leave, and I was nowhere to be found—much to the consternation
and dismay of my sister. They went home without me, as someone had told
them with whom I was. Soon, the young cadet took me home, and my sister
met him with a very sharp tongue. I had mine later. The Governor took it
as a joke and seemed to understand it thoroughly.