"Again, our grave conventionists said they had heard it whispered that

Minister Smooth (generally called Solomon Smooth, Esq.), being special

Minister of Mr. General Pierce to nowhere in particular, had secret

instructions to arrange matters for the holding of an extraordinary

convention at Ostend; which said convention, being principally

composed of very respectable foreign gentlemen, would especially take

into consideration the Cuba question, as also the deciding the point

as to whether the Spanish spirit of the people of that island would

detract from the national purity of Americanism. In the event of Cuba

forming an integral part of the federal compact, a grave question

would here be involved. Assuring them they were not wrong in their

conjectures, Smooth was invited to sit down, in a very honorary

position, where, having examined certain papers pertaining to previous

proceedings, and passed an undivided approval upon them, he remained

in all his dignity, listening with great legal seriousness to the very

important case then being argued by General F----, whose eloquence was

of the 'rip-roarer' style, and whose tragical flourishes were as

terrific as dangerous to the limbs all persons in proximity. Smooth's

seat was at the left of the Umpire, that functionary's right being

flanked by a gentleman lean of figure and studious of countenance,

said to be the American Commissioner, a worthy person of great legal

abilities. A little below Smooth sat the compact figure of a man in a

genteel garb; an air of amiability sat on his countenance, which ever

and anon seemed playful; indeed, the very soul of geniality darted

from a pair of large blue eyes that gave great softness to an oval

face, nicely outlined in its parts. In a word, he was what might be

called a very promising limb of the modernly honorable law profession;

nor would our opinion of him have been less exalted had he refrained

from the very innocent sport of amusing himself with blowing peas

through a quill, which he did in all the playfulness of youth, his

head being level with the surface of the table the while. We had never

supposed him the British Commissioner but for the assurance of those

in possession of stronger proof than we had been permitted to see. A

little below him, and with seeming indifference to the arguments of

which General F---- was relieving his mind, sat a sharp-featured man,

whose lithe figure, clear complexion, quick gray eyes, finely arched

eyebrows, well-developed brow, and head, superstructured with a

profusion of light Saxon hair, that hung soft and smooth down his

neck, an even cut mouth, with thin lips, slightly turned, and

disclosing teeth of great regularity and pearly whiteness,--a nose

high, sharp, and strictly Grecian, gave him a personel of more than

ordinary attractions. Smooth apprehends the reader will not charge him

with a diversion when he says that any lady of taste might have become

enamored of this gentleman without for a moment subjecting herself to

the charge of stupidity. Queen Victoria might, indeed, claim for

herself the merit of having done a pretty thing for Cousin Jonathan;

for the two pretty gentlemen she had chosen to represent her in the

mixed commission bespoke how much she had regarded the value of

personal beauty in the settlement of those claims, so long

outstanding, and so beset with grave difficulties. Notwithstanding all

this, the last gentleman was said to be young, but a clever lawyer.

Now a play of the humorous invaded his face; and while from his eye

there came out a strong love of the ludicrous, a curl of sarcasm now

and then ruffled his lip. They called him the British agent--in other

words, the Counsel for Her Most Gracious Majesty. Smooth had no

stronger evidence of this fact than that the gentleman seemed very

contented with the way time went, amusing himself with making paper

spy-glasses,[*] with which he quizzed objects on the floor, then took

lunar observations through it, the broad disc of the Umpire's red face

affording the medium of a planet. To General F----, who was then in the

full pressure of his speech, making his, to him, crushing arguments a

legal treadmill for his handsome brother, he seemed a perfect pest,

inasmuch as whenever the General had got a real stunner of an argument

on the crook of his mind, and just where he would be sure to lose it

if the course were not left clear, he was sure to interrupt him with

some annoying question, which in most cases amounted to nothing less

than disputing the premises assumed. The General had not received

these interruptions with so much perturbation but that they were

always coupled with a sarcastic leer, the significance of which had

not been well directed, nor should ever be indulged in by legal

brethren engaged in the settlement of grave international

questions. The reader may say:--'who so cruel as to begrudge the legal

gentry their little innocent sport!' As the British Cabinet is at

times a sort of toy, with which the facetious House of Commons loves

to play the game of knockdown (just for the fun of seeing how much

trouble it costs the nation to build it up) so the good-natured

gentlemen of this mixed commission seemed to view the gravest

international questions.

[Footnote: The writer here describes what he saw, without any attempt at

ridicule.]

"'I reiterate!' continued General Flum, for it was no less a personage

than he who poured out his eloquence to the Convention: 'If the

gentleman for t'other side of this question was only to read Kent's

Commentaries, or take a peep into one Story's pleadings, 'twould do

him more good nor all (we quote verbatim) the stale law he's larned in

the Inner Temple--'twould!' Here Flum paused, and majestically turned

round, as if to see how his antagonist felt. His legal brother was

very quietly pursuing his lunars with the paper tube, expecting soon

to work up all the curious angles of the Umpire's face. To properly

intersperse this amusement he would now and then bestow a good-natured

and very sly wink upon a wag who sat at the opposite side of the

table, ever and anon tickling with the feather of his quill the nasal

organ of the Secretary, who had just melowed away into a delicious

nap. Flum proceeded: 'I mean no disrespect to the proficiency, or to

the very high position which my learned brother holds in this

Convention; but what will be said by the two governments when it is

found that among the great array of cases brought before this high

tribunal so few have been settled without a reference to the Umpire? I

sincerely believe that did Her Majesty's Councillor exhibit more

readiness to meet our demands with a liberal and becoming spirit, many

of the cases which have passed before this high tribunal might have

been settled with little consumption of time, and at small cost to the

nation. I know General Pierce won't like the way things are done here,

and how can I doubt, seeing the distinguished person present who

represents him in the capacity of special Minister (here Smooth

acknowledged the compliment by making one of his very best bows), that

he will be made acquainted with the facts.' The Umpire, his

countenance quickening, would inform gentlemen that the many

personalities and invidious references he had so often heard reminded

him rather of the pettifoggers of a police-court than the high

representatives of two great governments, met for the purpose of

dispassionately discussing the merits of grave international

questions. He had become wearied over such a useless waste of time,

had purchased a whole library of law books (which he hoped never

hereafter to have occasion to use), and must content himself with

honor for his recompense. Now he was willing to submit to the world

whether there could be any honor conferred upon him by sitting from

day to day, listening, at the same time using every effort to keep

awake, to the legal _cross-shots_ of gentlemen not inclined to agree

to anything. The Umpire ended in a voice deep and musical, drew

himself again into his attitude of contemplation, and like an Egyptian

Sphinx seemed gravely studious with himself.

"The American Commissioner approved of all that had fallen from the

lips of the honorable gentleman. So did the English Commissioner, who

suspended his little amusement of the quill and the peas, and

commenced examining the pages of his Vattel. Having laid aside the

paper spyglass, our English agent rose quickly to his feet, and with

eyes darting legal tenacity, said he had a few remarks to make in

reply to what he considered had very improperly fallen from the lips

of his legal brother. He did not intend disrespect to the very

honorable Umpire, nor the gentlemen Commissioners, when he said that

the rules on which the business of the Commission had been conducted

seemed to him to be a complete mumble, growing deeper and deeper with

difficulties. Language had been used in that forum which would be more

genially localized in Whitechapel, Drury Lane, St. Giles's, or the

Surrey Side: he was sorry to see his transatlantic brother so familiar

with the piquant jargon of those atmospheres it were well not to be

too familiar with.

"'May it please the Umpire, I ask the protection of this tribunal from

any such imputation as the gentleman's insinuation would leave me

under,' said the General, almost bursting of anger.

"There seemed to be a nice little difficulty brewing, which threatened

a readier dispatch of business than that which had marked their

efforts in the settlement of claims outstanding. Here again the

Umpire, with the aid of his two Commissioners, interposed for the

peace and respectability of Mr. Pierce's family. And here Mr. Smooth

is happy beyond his power of expression to state, that after a very

few unmeaning explanations, the gentlemen Councillors bowed politely

to each other, laughed with buffoonish good-nature, nor seemed a whit

less than the very best of friends. 'If General--will proceed with his

argument!' said the Umpire, gravely, by way of what writers call

parenthesis. 'Then, to the point of this case: now, ye see, the law on

our side of the water aint a bit like it is here, on this; 'specially

with cases of this kind. This is the case of a vessel with niggers on

board, bound from one part of the United States to t'other, but driven

by what sailors call stress of weather into a British port called

Bermuda, where the natives (report says they are not very

enlightened), not having the fear of God before their eyes, nor

understanding the constitution of the United States, nor comprehending

the principle by which certain democratic States in the free American

Union make good property of such things as men, did regardless of the

laws of those States, insult the sovereign flag, which was alike the

protection of property and citizen, no matter in what part of the

world it floated, and set all the niggers free! After consuming an

hour in arguments of this stamp, the General claimed to have made out

his case, inasmuch as the niggers being property to the laws of the

States to which they belonged, and the flag of the United States being

absolute in its character of a protection,--no matter under what local

jurisdiction,--the claim against England for compensation was as just

an one as ever man could present for man; did she withhold payment, it

must be at her peril.'

"His legal brother now rose, a good-natured smile playing over his

sharp face. Before commencing, he would say he wished his learned

brother had taken a more dispassionate view of the case, and laid down

a basis of broader principles. Much of the difficulty in settling the

many claims that had been presented for adjudication arose from the

fact of his learned brother laying down rules to suit his own case,

which he would not admit when applied against him. Further, he had not

the most faint idea of the nigger question being dragged before this

tribunal for adjudication. He had hoped that that question might be

left for settlement on the soil of America, where those best

acquainted with the evil could most readily find a remedy. But if it

were true that the flag was inviolable, and that such was held as law,

and regarded in good faith by the federal government of the United

States, how came it that certain States in the federal compact so far

disregarded the rule as to scoff at the idea of the flag being

superior to the municipal regulations of the port; invade the decks of

British vessels, regardless of the flag; and drag from beneath its

folds British citizens, whom they incarcerated and made criminals

merely to suit the caprices of a municipal statute? Strange indeed was

it for a nation great as was the American to lay down a principle of

foreign policy the action of which could only be allowed when it

suited the immediate interests of that nation, and was rejected when

it came in collision with them. He would tell the learned

representative of that nation, that the spirit manifested in such a

course to him 'seemed more to comport with that specious style of

conducting business better understood among hucksters!' Here the man

of the American side of the house evinced some excitement, and quickly

rising to his feet, said he would not stand silently by and hear such

imputations cast upon his house, country, and people. The judiciary of

the United States could not be impugned--none was purer; while the

foreign policy of the United States stood out a model for the nations

of Europe to pattern from. A counter interruption again took

place. The Umpire drew a long breath; the good-looking English

Commissioner heaved a sigh, and again commenced amusing himself with

the quill; the sedate American Commissioner yawned, and turned

contemplatively the leaves of a commentary; to end, they all seemed

seized with the yawning fever, which was kept up until they laughed

right earnestly at one another, the handsome gentleman stretching his

arms athwart, and making a hideous grimace. At length this state of

things was put an end to by the Umpire, who did hope gentlemen would

see, in his dinner hour having arrived, the necessity of either

resting the arguments here, or postponing them for another day.

"In rejoining, her Majesty's sharp featured Councillor having

pronounced a high eulogium on his Honor's power of endurance, and the

onerous duties imposed upon him by the Governments which he so nobly

sought to serve, and from whom the mere honor afforded but a meagre

compensation, (inasmuch as he felt convinced the proverbial

ingratitude of Governments would be carried out in their not even

compensating him for the large outlay he had been constrained to make

in law books) hoped he might be permitted to make a few more remarks.

His honor bowing assent, the well-looking legal gentleman, in blandest

accents, proceeded to say Jonathan must not lay a foundation for

others he was first to knock down; for if a rule applied to great

principles it must not be made subservient to small exigencies of an

opposite character: Jonathan must bow to his own stumbling-blocks. It

did, however, seem that this Commission had been viewed by certain

parties as a sort of _ola podra_; before which deluded persons thought

nothing more certain than that their manifold grievances would be

patiently heard, their claims find a ready settlement, and their

family affairs all be handsomely arranged. There had been men from the

coast of Africa seeking a protection under cousin Jonathan's wing, by

which their demands on Old John were to them certain of being paid.

There were good men from Manchester, who, forgetting their

anti-slavery sentiment's, sought a relationship with our noble cousin

which dated from previous to 1812, and under the shadow of his wings

now sought to make the rascally Britishers pay for certain slaves

frittered away from them while residing in Georgia, during the last

war. There too, were noble Dukes and Earls presenting claims against

our cousin for certain lands in Florida, presented long since to them

by some imbecile king, who would upon the same style of conditions,

have given away the whole Continent. The said gentlemen had long since

forgotten the titles, and were only reminded of them by the existence

of this Commission. English gentlemen from Mexico sought, through the

virtues of this Commission, pay for property appropriated by General

Scott during the Mexican war. Pensionless widows thought it the grand

centre of generosity, and sought through it compensation for dead

husbands. Holders of Mississippi bonds regarded it a perfect El

Dorado, at the shrine of which those long repudiated mementoes would

be duly paid, hopes and angry passions requited, and old Mississippi

herself again, as bright as a new-coined Jackson cent: and last, but

not least, gentlemen with very credulous and speculative faculties,

and who held the most doubtful species of Florida bonds, had made

their hearts glad on the certain payment of them by the Commission.

'In a word,' said the learned Councillor, 'nothing can be more certain

to my mind (and I am borne out in the belief by the variety and

character of the claims presented to this Commission) than that the

whole world is beginning to look on our worthy transatlantic cousin as

the most generous, if not the most credulous, fellow extant! Whether

his model friend George Saunders, can take to himself any merit for

having created this now very general opinion in Europe (by virtue of

his most extraordinary circulars), Smooth is unable to decide; but

certain is it that every disaffected subject on the continent who can

get up spleen enough to fancy himself a much injured republican--'

Here General F---- interrupted, by submitting to the honorable Umpire

whether these remarks were not gratuitous, irrelevant, and

improper. The Umpire, having given his opinion that they were unduly

long (extending a whole hour beyond his dinner-time), begged the

gentleman would turn the key to his concluding remarks. 'I have only

another remark to make,' rejoined the gentleman with the sharp face:

'If Sydney Smith had lived, there would have been more wit and sarcasm

levelled at this mixed Commission than would have filled an octavo

volume. I cannot forbear to say, however, that strange as is the

character of many of these demands, claims, and grievances, some of

them might have been settled without such a deplorable waste of time,

had it not been for the interference of that phantom devil,

Mr. General Pierce's black pig, who is always construing principles to

suit his purposes. So avaricious is that animal, that no amount of

swill seems to pacify his desire to overthrow principles and defeat

great objects. No place would seem too obscure for the brute to get

his nose into; no demands too egregious for his appetite; no rights

too daintily established for his disregard. He is here, there, and

everywhere--demanding with the same ferocious spirit. We had hoped

Mr. General Pierce would keep him at home during the deliberations of

this Convention: let us console our disappointment by trusting to what

the future may bring forth.' Here the Umpire's patience was at an

end--patience no longer remained with him a virtue. He rose moodily

from his seat, said the sitting would adjourn until to-morrow,

and betook himself to his dinner, which he added he feared would get

as cold as the gentlemen's pleas. This was rather abruptly bringing

matters to a close. The legal gentlemen, as if disturbed elsewhere

than in their thoughts, looked terror-stricken, packed up their law

tools, shouldered their green bags, and, in the company of Mr. Smooth,

sought a place whereat to bestow good care on the inner temple.

Smooth, with all deference to the opinions of the very respectable

gentlemen of the mixed Commission, begs to inform his readers, and Mr.

Pierce in particular, that they never will catch him looking in upon

them again.

CHAPTER XVIII.

SMOOTH RECEIVES THE DOCUMENTS, AND CALLS A CONGRESS AT OSTEND.

"Several months having passed, during which no further instructions

from the General came to hand, I began to think he had forgotten my

mission, and taken himself to dieting on gunpowder and War-Messages

for the next Congress. Then I received a private note from his boy

Caleb, in which he stated very confidentially that everything was

waiting the next turn in the Brigadier's mind. Caleb's letter

discovered much impatience with his position, and a good many sly

remarks which were intended as a hit at Marcy and his budget. I should

tell the reader that an additional cause of my anxiety was the not

receiving a reply to a private and confidential note to Pierce, in

which I remonstrated with him against the propriety of holding a thing

so open to base ridicule as a Congress of American Ministers at

Ostend. That fraternity of infallibility, kings and princes, might

become somewhat uneasy at its presence, many honest-hearted

republicans would be deceived, and its result be only the illustration

of an unprecedented amount of folly on the part of the American

Executive. But the thing was a great pet with Caleb, Jeff, and Pierce,

who knew that Marcy would have to father the abortions, which were

generally laid at his door. With all these very natural difficulties

before me, I decided to charter the next Collins steamer, and proceed

to the White House, there to learn in person what the boys were doing.

I was anxious to know what had become of Pierce and Papa--whether Papa

was yet administering the pap-spoon to the General, by way merely of

counteracting the effect of the charcoal being _piled on_ by the

boys--Jeff and Caleb. Now, lest there should be any one in Washington

unwilling to separate Smooth's better inclinations from the general

character of the Convention to be holden, he would here say that the

very best of his abilities were exerted with the General against the

policy of making his Ministers cut so ridiculous a figure in

Europe. He knew also that Monsieur Souley would take upon himself all

the cooking business, and have it all his own way, as they say in

England.

"One morning, while consoling myself with the prospect of soon leaving

Europe, its aristocracy, its blighting kingcraft, and its squabbles,

who should confront me but grandfather Steady, a monster despatch

under his arm, on which loomed out in all its scarlet the great seal

of the State Department. Steady had recognized '_Confidential_' on the

envelope, and bore it to me safely ensconced beneath the ample skirts

of his coat. 'Something of great importance for Minister Smooth!' said

he, making a very diplomatic bow as he extended the packet, made his

compliments, and retired. Steady having disappeared, I opened the

packet, and, equally surprised with the reader, what should I find but

a State document of great dimensions, commissioning Smooth without

further delay to call together at Ostend, or such other place on the

continent of Europe as was celebrated for its pure air and good

liquors, a Congress of American Ministers! Three several times did the

commission reiterate--'Pure air and good liquors!' as if the tastes of

the very respectable gentlemen forming the Congress made such adjuncts

inseparable from the prime object of their deliberations. For some

time did I exert my most mature deliberations to get the diplomacy of

the thing square into my head, which I thought was more than had been

done by the State Department. Well, you better believe it was a

puzzle! It was so Dutch, as we say. I was directed particularly to

consult my old and much-tried friend, James Buckhanan, whose sanction

and presence at the gathering was necessary, as well for the purpose

of imparting an air of dignity to the Convention as counteracting the

fast spirit of those gentlemen, who had gained a doubtful notoriety

through their extensive dealings in cheap popularity. Marcy added, in

a private and confidential note, that he felt inclined to question the

policy of inviting certain gentlemen, but as a matter of etiquette it

could not be foregone; and then he was anxious to keep peace in the

house, I was ordered to bag Buckhanan, and, if against his will, carry

him captive; to summon Monsieur Souley, who was an excellent cook, not

a bad fighting man, but a diplomatist fit only for the small work of

the _carbonari;_ to dispatch Mason, who they said was cultivating his

French, with the hope of being up in the language of diplomacy in the

course of six years more; to enjoin Mr. Fay, well known in

Switzerland for his love of quiet life; to inveigle Mr. Belmont, who

at the Hague had taken upon himself the reforming his brother

Israelites, and turning to account sundry Dutch bonds; to do as I

pleased with Mr. Daniels, who had sustained the character of America

by affecting contempt for all the aristocratic snobs about Turin, who

would to his annoyance crowd themselves into his opera-box, and make

too free with his fair favorite; to be sure and capture Mr. Jackson,

through whose courteous and dignified demeanor America was making

herself respected at Vienna; to send an escort for Mr. Spence, who had

endeared himself to his fellow-countrymen in Constantinople; and to

send a jackass for Mister O'Sullivan, who had at Lisbon become

celebrated for his misfortunes at bagatelle and chess--to drum them

all together for the one grand object. As for Seymour, Pierce thought

it not good policy to disturb him, seeing that nothing had been heard

from him since he found his way to St. Petersburg. With such spirits

as these, Europe could not fail to be astonished; and then, when it

was borne in mind that the consideration of its distracted affairs was

the object No. I of such a Convention!

"While calmly cogitating the first and last move in the getting up of

the thing, my lodgings, '42, Bennet street, St. James's,' were invaded

by the man Dudley, who declared himself a special minister of

Mr. Pierce, who sent him as envoy in general to Mr. Smooth, under

whose directions he would proceed to get together the Congress at

Ostend. I examined his credentials carefully, and finding them of Mr.

Pierce's legitimate stripe, commenced comparing notes and arranging

the preliminaries. He said, Pierce told him I would have a hard tug

with old Buck, who was like an aged turtle, and never moved until a

great deal of fire was applied to his back: but then his friends said

he was fast, once he got going! Notwithstanding Buck had very

confidently told a friend or two there was no understanding Pierce,

Pierce said he understood him, and, with Saunders to lend a hand, the

getting steam on him would not be so much of a job, after all. I must

here say to the reader that we had not long proceeded with our

conversation before the fact that our man Dudley was commissioned to

play the part of Corporal Noggs to the fire-eating portion of the

Cabinet, at the small end of which Mister Pierce was appended,

discovered itself. This fact fully established, I sat down and

commissioned him, first--to keep his mouth shut; secondly, to proceed

immediately to the Continent and get together the boys; thirdly, to

enjoin upon every one the necessity of declaring the object of the

Convention to be the relief of mankind in general; and fourthly, to be

careful while in France that none of Consul Saunders' _epistles to all

oppressed citizens_ were found in his pocket,--that functionary being

held as the great revolutionary star, sent from the West to move the

dead waters of an Eastern world.

"Having dispatched the man Dudley on his mission, with many bows and

much esteem for his high consideration of my position, and acting on

the intimation from Pierce, I packed up my portfolio, and in a Hansom

cab made the best of my way to 56, Harley street,--a large mansion, in

one of the back rooms of which they said my esteemed friend James

Buckhanan had for some time past been burrowed. That is, Mrs. Sprat,

who knew all the gossip of the legation, declared such to be the

fact. She saw very little indeed of the 'Governor,' whom she believed

smothered in his diplomacy, for he appeared never to want anything but

the spittoon, and now and then, at long intervals, a clean pair of

stockings. Arriving at the door, I rang lustily the bell, and soon

there appeared a very stiff flunky, in democratic livery of bright

colors, who bowed me into a great hall, and after grinning at me for

about a minute, said he reckoned I was a citizen o' the United

States. 'From Vermont, I take it?' he continued, in quick succession.

I told him it was no matter about that; if he had no objection I would

take a look at his governor. While I was deliberating, the

best-looking 'yellow fellow' outside of Carolina made his appearance,

and immediately commenced taking charge of me. He said he understood

diplomacy all up, (having studied dancing and attended Mrs. Sprat's

tea-parties for more than two years!) and would put me through if I

said the word. Then he added, with a _sang froid_ that seemed quite

grateful, that though he wasn't exactly governor of the establishment,

he would show me up to the man who was, and under whose dictation

Mr. Buckhanan had for peace sake accepted a fifth-rate position. On my

motioning him to proceed (he seemed much inclined to affect a good

deal of etiquette) the fellow led off, through a long dark passage,

crowded with empty Genessee flour barrels, champagne baskets, boxes of

cast off pipes (breathing redolent of tobacco), decrepit arm-chairs,

old foils and boxing-gloves, numerous empty beer-bottles, a lot of

worn-out dancing slippers, and a quantity of second-hand nightgowns

and side-saddles. What use diplomacy had for these abused relics we

leave the reader to conjecture. Opening a door on the left, my guide

with a bow accompanying a graceful bend of the body, ushered me into a

spacious room, with the announcement:--'A gemman fum de States,

Mr. Prompt!' No Mr. Prompt could I see, such was the state of the

atmosphere. In fact, I was set upon by a perfect fog of tobacco smoke.

"'Well, stranger--glad to see ye this side the big pond!' croaked out

a little sharp voice, peculiarly nasal. I replied I thought it was

rather foggy about these diggins. 'No matter about that,' he rejoined,

'we do clean business in this establishment, notwithstanding the

puffing, we deem it necessary to keep up in diplomatic matters.' The

atmosphere clearing a little, and objects becoming bolder outlined, I

discovered a figure so singularly lean and sharp of visage that you

would have sworn him peculiarly adapted by Providence for cutting his

way into a better world. Upon the walls of the rooms, which were very

dingy, hung suspended, tomahawks, bowie-knives, scalping-knives, bows

and steel-pointed arrows, an innumerable variety of dressed scalps,

much worn Indian uniforms, and various other things--all adapted to

Western warfare. Here and there stood sundry reed chairs and cronic

tables, of Florida pine, while the floor was very liberally set off

with what are vulgarly called spit-boxes, which, unlike the pages of

an antiquated Bible that lay neglected in one corner, had been very

generally used. Smooth would here say that such adjuncts as the

latter, seemed to be, judging from their presence in all our Legations

on the Continent, inseparable from Pierce diplomacy. In the present

case there were, in addition to the above-named fixtures, seventeen

patent rat-traps, with which members of the Legation amused themselves

when not invited to dancing parties. Smooth could not help thinking

there was no need of the latter pieces of furniture, while Mr. Prompt,

the sharp gentleman, was in the establishment. Indeed, Mrs. Grundy

would have said he was sharp enough to be used as an instrument for

splitting the nicest diplomatic points; while the promiscuous relics

of antiquity arranged along the passage she would have sworn

illustrated nothing so nicely as Pierce's confused policy, the saddles

being indicative of how easily he rode over the credulity of the

people.

"In the centre of the room stood a five-legged round table, somewhat

nervous and infirm of age. Upon it stood, badly arranged, two tumblers

of Cuba sixes, an ample stock of fine cut tobacco, about a dozen long

and much discolored pipes, a spacious ash-box, and the dirty boots of

Prompt, his lean figure sprawled back in a dilapidated arm-chair, a

long nine in his mouth, from which he incessantly puffed an immense

volume of smoke. Prompt's face was a perfect picture of edge-tools;

and with his easy air generally, his hands stowed away in the ample

pockets of his nether garments; his passion for the Byronic--made

known by the extravagant roll of a turn-down shirt collar--and his

bushy hair thrown back on a veiny and narrow forehead that seemed to

have been cut away to fit his hat, had an appearance easily imagined

by those who have witnessed in New Hampshire the general make-up of an

itinerant stump orator. I bowed as he cast his eyes along down my

figure, and gave a friendly wink. 'From York State, I take it?' he

continued. I replied I had been in York State, but was born on Cape

Cod. 'Well,' he rejoined, 'don't matter where a feller's born nor

grow'd, only he's got the right sort o' bone and siners in him.' The

general appearance of things had mightily changed since I last visited

the place--in truth, I could scarcely believe my own eyes. Mr. Prompt

now drew forth a handful of long nines, said he never liked to smoke

alone, and invited me to join him. I excused myself as well as I

could, adding that I had no small vices. The truth was, the

spit-boxes, and rat-traps, and a large supply of tobacco, looked so

suspicious, that I was at a loss how to comport myself: I feared I had

got into the wrong box. 'Anyhow,' said Mr. Prompt, 'bring yourself to

a mooring--remember we treat all citizens alike here--and be quite at

home in the establishment. Smooth, I believe, is the name?' He looked

at my card as I bowed, expecting every moment to see him rise from his

easy posture. With a sort of languid endurance he said the

establishment was at my service--that anything I desired would be put

through like Jehu. A set of snobby fellows, he said, had for a number

of years made a den of aristocracy of the place, but the aspect of

things had been changed now to suit the good fellow-spirit of our

institutions. Here he drew a deformed hat over his forehead, and let

fly a moist projectile; which, instead of taking effect in a box of

saw-dust, expanded ineffectually upon the face of a female dog-iron. I

suggested that it warn't so bad a shot. He replied, he reckoned--Just

at this moment the full yellow face of the negro protruded itself into

the doorway. 'Mas'r,' he ejaculated, 'dat's da geman (pointing to

Prompt, whose face was seen to contract) what do up all da plomacy ob

dis establishment.' The yellow face withdrew behind the green

baize. All this time I had been careful not to disclose to Mr. Prompt

that I was minister in general to Mr. Pierce.

"'Citizen,' said he, continuing his cigar, 'that ar nigger's sassy

enough for three legations. Pierce sent him here;--for what, no one

about the establishment can tell. Anyhow, seeing it's you, I was about

giving out an idea of what an interminable muddle Pierce would get

everything into if he had but his own way; but, as there isn't time

now, and as you won't join me in a cigar, suppose we send out and have

a first-rate brandy-smash?'

"This I respectfully declined; I thought it would give him so much

trouble. Indeed, he said there was so much to do about the

establishment, and nobody to do it except himself. In reply to a

question, he said, the governor--meaning Mr. Buckanan--had worked

himself out, and was laid away to dry. At present he alone constituted

the establishment. There used to be a secretary (the salary, he had

reason to believe Uncle Sam yet paid) but nothing had been seen of him

for several months: when last heard from, he was entering into a

partnership with Monsieur Souley for the purchase of Cuba, at any

price. As for the attaches, one got no pay, and was expected by the

government to do a deal of work, while the amount paid to the other

was so small that he very wisely spent it in cab-hire to see the

sights, which it just covered. One might be almost sure of seeing the

former gentleman on the approach of a court concert, while the

presence of the other at the legation prognosticated the advent of a

drawing-room. In fact, Mr. Prompt said, with considerable logic, that

when people were only half paid they were sure to do nothing. As for

himself (here he smiled, and commenced a new cigar), why he did up the

diplomacy of the establishment by the job--that is, he absorbed in his

lean person the functions of minister plenipotentiary, secretary of

legation, and gentlemanly attaches. And for the performance of their

duties (the pickings were not worth mentioning) he would, at the end

of a few years, make out his account against Uncle Sam, whom he was

sure was too straightforward and generous not to allow it. 'Fact is,

stranger,' he reiterated with great assurance, 'I am almost worked to

death here.' A monster gray cat having entered the room, and inspected

curiously the several rat-traps, Mr. Prompt, as if much annoyed, drew

himself with great effort from the crippled chair, and drove her

unceremoniously out of the room, accompanying her retreat with Peters

on diplomacy. 'Then, Mr. Prompt,' said I, 'may I consider myself

entirely in your hands?' Again spreading his boots on the table, and

languidly elongating his lean body, he replied, 'nothin shorter!' In

answer to a question, he said he could fix me out with anything--from

a passport to a grindstone. In fact, he was a man of universal

qualities, and could accommodate the needy with almost anything. He

could issue a passport for the infernal regions; he could give a card

to dine with old Jones when one got there; and by way of facilitating

matters, lend him a saddle to ride there. I admitted he was

exceedingly generous, and well calculated to bring out all the various

functions known to diplomacy; but, having no taste for the sport he

proposed, intimated my preference for a box at the Opera, or an

invitation to dine with her Majesty. 'Well, I do declare,' says

Prompt, who was seized with a very troublesome cough, 'if you ain' got

a-head on me there!' Seeing his confusion, I begged he would pardon

the intimation. In reply, he good-naturedly drawled out, 'them things,

somehow, don't come within the privileges of this establishment. Can

accommodate ye with a box at the Theatre Royal, Westminster--play the

very best sort of patent farces in that national place of amusement.

Then they've an audience so forbearing, that it makes no matter what

they play, and the fun of that establishment beats bull-fighting all

holler. Should the low-comedy man some call Pam, and his walking

gentleman, John, chance to have steam up, you will be sure to get your

money's worth. Take my word, said he: Covent Garden and Drury Lane are

but dull show shops compared with it.' Again I thanked Mr. Prompt for

his kindness, and told him I would wait till the next bull-baiting

came off--understanding from good authority that such amusing

spectacles in that house had frequent possession of the boards. Did I

want to revel in the sights and dark places of London, Mr. Prompt said

I had better wait the return of the absent secretary, which could not

be more than six months hence.

CHAPTER XIX.

SMOOTH DISCOVERS HIMSELF.

"'Now, citizen!' said I, thinking it was about time I disclosed to

Mr. Prompt who I was, and also the character of my mission, 'as you

seem to be the establishment in general, and can grant such very

accommodating passports, let me inform you that I, Solomon Smooth, am

Mister Pierce's Minister Extraordinary, to Europe in particular.' Mr.

Prompt's sharp visage now became sharper. 'Pierce,' I said, 'had

commissioned me to call together all the boys, in congress at Ostend.'

In testimony of what I had set forth I produced the document, at the

sight of which he relieved himself of a very handsome bow, brought his

lean body to a perpendicular, and, with an effort at modesty, laid

aside his hat and cigar; this I regarded as creditable to the

establishment. 'The governor's cum, Mas'r Prompt!' exclaimed the

negro, again thrusting his full yellow face into the door. Prompt was

evidently abashed at this sudden announcement.

"'I'll see the governor, if you have no objection,' said I, attempting

to relieve his quandary. He replied he had none whatever; that I would

find him a trump, though rather low. 'He seldom comes out of this

place!' ejaculated Prompt, leading the way through an extremely narrow

and crooked passage into a dark cloister-like room, lighted by a small

lamp that shed a sickly light over the few antiquated pieces of

furniture it contained. 'Minister Smooth will please to introduce

himself!' said Mr. Prompt, ushering me into the room, and closing the

door as he retired. Descrying through the pale glow of the lamp my

venerable friend Buck, who was seated at a table in the centre of the

room, amusing himself with the cat Prompt had so unceremoniously

kicked out of his presence, he immediately recognized me; the

reception I met would have done honor to companions in the Continental

War, meeting after a long absence. He said Saunders and his boy Dan

(that is, he was boy to Dan) had reduced his light wonderfully. Here

he began pricking up the wick of the old lamp, while I drew up a seat

and commenced without further ceremony disclosing the object of my

visit, and making known to him some of Pierce's opinions (private) on

matters in general. 'Read this carefully,' said I, handing him my

instructions from the State Department. He took the document like one

compelled to do a thing against his will, while I attentively watched

the changes that came over his countenance as he read it. 'Indurable

Pierce!' he muttered, adding a languid sigh. Then his portly figure

seemed to expand, his hair to grow whiter, and his general appearance

to assume a more venerable air, as he read the portion that

particularly directed me to bag him, pro or con. Indeed, his crooked

eye became straight with indignation, while his neck no longer

retained its wonted curve. 'I have studied the man, but find I yet

know little of him!' said he, recovering his usual calmness, and

shaking his head significantly. I inquired if he meant Pierce. He

replied, testily, in the affirmative. 'Several times has he made me

cut a ridiculous figure in the eyes of the nation. I cannot disclose

my true position,--he knows that, but will have me a partner to this

most stupid of projects;--well, well!' Here he seemed in the act of

yielding to his despondency, when to revive him I presented several

private notes which I had received from Pierce, explanatory of his

views with reference to the immense benefit that would accrue to the

nation, and manifest destiny, from this great congress. 'Now Smooth,'

continued the old man, relieving his mouth of an encumbrance, which,

missing its aim, took effect in the face of the cat, which set up a

fearful yell and scampered out of the room, 'although I can't

understand Pierce, I have great confidence in you, and there is

something so ridiculous about this affair that I feel like relieving

my mind to you, which I do without prejudice. I care not to examine

your confidential notes; they are doubtless of a like character with

those I have myself received from him on this very subject. The man

seems crazed. He has inundated me with confidential trifles about

Cuba, the affairs of Europe, the Central American question, and the

holding a Congress at Ostend. I am bored to death with his opinions,

which, on the policy of the latter, are cheap indeed.' The old man now

became exceedingly nervous; indeed, he seemed like one laboring under

the first symptoms of an over-dose of Parr's Life Pills. 'Smooth! I am

sacrificed; yes, sir, literally sacrificed to all his folly! The

despatch bag has groaned under the very pressure of his nonsense,

which I am compelled to read and commit to the flames, lest our nation

should suffer by its disclosures. I have appealed to him on behalf of

my conscience; I have reasoned from the depths of my experience; I

have besought him to spare my reputation--and here you bring me fresh

proof that it has all gone to no purpose.' I could not help pitying

the venerable old man as he shrugged his shoulders, and gave such a

desponding look. 'Pierce,' he continued, 'will smash the democracy

before he has done, by simply making it ridiculous. Thrice have I

remonstrated with him in all my power of persuasion; but it has fallen

harmless at his feet, for here he is, up again and harping. He

singularly argues in his private despatches that Europe being in a

fuzzle generally; that England having enough to do at keeping her

grumbling people quiet, and fighting her old friend Russia; that

Monsieur Napoleon, the very Republican Emperor, having three large

kettles of fish to fry--one in helping England to whip Russia, by

which means he hoped to wipe off an old score; the second, to affect a

great determination to fight for the independence of the Turks, who

say they will lend a hand when they get in cash; and the third, to

crush all revolutionary movements at home; and that all having enough

to do in their work of protecting despotism and neglecting liberty,

the time is singularly opportune for America's making one grand

demonstration. Thus, he said, Pierce argued. It was all very well

showing a saucy front to mankind in general, but if we undertook to

bag Cuba, there must be something more than threats and war messages

to back it up.' I could not throw up my commission; therefore begged

my friend Buck would consider my position, and excuse in me what

seemed fast. And then I had despatched my Corporal Noggs to arrange

matters with Monsieur Souley, who was to play the part of

engine-driver, crowding charcoal for the whole team. After the

manifestation of much indecision, my friend Buck consented to go, at

the same time stipulating that he should not be led by certain fast

spirits. 'If I go, Smooth,' said he, 'it will be with virtuous

reluctance; the whole thing is sure to come out. Further, my boy Dan

(a sharp fellow he is!) has gone on a little affair respecting Cuba,

by which he expects to make hit No. 1.'

"At this moment we were interrupted by the brusque figure of George

Saunders appearing in the room. George instantly recognized me, and

said he anticipated my mission, having received sundry private and

very confidential letters from Pierce on the same subject. It seemed

that Pierce and his boy Fourney had written any amount of private and

confidential letters on this to be kept very secret affair. George

made himself quite at home. Indeed, the uninitiated might have

mistaken him and the cat for fixtures of the establishment. Calling me

on one side, he begged I would consider Mr. Buckanan entirely in his

hands. In order to bring his speed to the right gauge, Dan and himself

had, he said, spent several months hard labor; but now he was happy to

say they had found the key to his movements, and nothing more was

wanting. As for Buck's presence at the Ostend convention, just leave

the arranging that to him. Further, in order to make a demonstration

while it was sitting, he would write an epistle to the Emperor of

Austria, forewarning him of the sympathy in America for the spirits he

held down in oppression. This would be a decided hit, he added, with a

knowing wink. So confident was George of his mastery over the

venerable old man, that I felt it would not be prejudicing Mr.

Pierce's interests to leave the matter entirely in his hands: so

bidding them a very good morning, I signified my intention of calling

again in ten days, when I expected he would be ready to move on; if

not, I should be under the painful necessity of bagging him, as

directed by the State Department.

"I had left the legation, and was passing into Portland place, when,

to my surprise, I was overtaken by the indomitable George, who

insisted that I join him in some gin-and-bitters at the first

drinking-place. To have declined George's amiability would have been

immaculate folly: he always bagged his friends, precisely as Pierce

directed me to bag the ambassador. Having stopped at the first

crossing, as they say in Georgia, we drunk ourselves, wished Pierce

much joy with his project, and parted, George saying he would turn

steam on the old man, and have him all right when I called.

"Prompt to the hour, no sooner had the allotted time expired than I

presented myself at the Legation with an express wagon, for the

accommodation of the old man indispensable. Corporal Noggs had got the

boys all right on the continent, and such a jolly time as was

expected! George had evidently been screwing up the old man, for I

found him in the very best humor. There he sat, portly and venerable,

surrounded by boxes, carpet-bags, and trunks; all, he assured me,

containing various diplomatic implements of great value. At his feet

purred the cat diplomatic, as if anxious to accompany him. 'These

boxes are a great trouble to me,' said the old man, getting up with

some effort, and pointing to three, about two feet square each, and

labelled as follows:--No. 1, '_Cuba by purchase_,' below--'_Copies of

Correspondence with our Minister to Spain, some years ago_,' at the

left corner the words--'_Promiscus_.' No. 2. '_Cuba at any

price_'--underneath--'_This side up, with care?_' No. 3. '_Cuba of

necessity, and as a link in the manifest fulfilment of

destiny?_'--underneath--'_Handled only by the experienced porter_.'

"The hall now rang loud of confusion,--the fiery-eyed cat ran

screaming to the door, maids' eyes were seen wanting to weep, Prompt

affected great grief,--he would be worked to death,--porters were seen

carrying out the luggage, and then waited to convey the old man. Then

Prompt said--the negro, as if to make the picture complete, was making

all sorts of grimaces in a corner,--if Dan should by some accident

return, what a deal of extra work he would make! But Smooth made up

his mind that such complaints were the natural consequences of an

irregular system. At last, having got boxes one, two, and three nicely

cared for, we bundled in the rest of the traps, following then with

the old man indispensable. Saunders being present by appointment,

insisted upon his right to drive the team, and suddenly springing upon

the box, seized unceremoniously the reins, and put the horses into

full gallop. Increasing his speed, until it became frightful to

delicate nerves, the poor old man's fears for his safety became so

excited that it required all my strength to keep him from jumping out

and breaking his neck, notwithstanding I had tucked him away so nicely

among the boxes before starting. Down Portland place, through Oxford

street, up Holborn, and down Cheapside, to the Bank (astonishing the

natives as we went) we drove, and from thence to St. Katherine's Dock,

where was moored the trim little steamboat chartered to convey Mr.

Pierce's plenipotentiaries safe to Ostend. Buck was in a sad state of

excitement when we stopped; he resembled an individual just escaped

from a perilous adventure. He discharged himself clumsily from the

wagon, his face undergoing singular changes of color the while, and

cast a few savage glances at Saunders, who very composedly sat on the

box endeavoring with might and main to suppress a vagabond laugh.

'Now, Saunders,' indistinctly sputtered the old man, as that

bluff-sided individual turned upon his seat, rather knavely casting a

comical glance over his shoulder, 'I'm not afraid--my courage never

fails me; but that steamer don't take me to Ostend if you're a

passenger! Mind that now!' Saunders lowered himself gravely from the

box, and with serious countenance assured the old man that no danger

could result while he drove the team. In reply to this, the old man

declared that with Saunders on board a blowing-up was certain. The

much-dreaded gentleman, however, soon quieted the envoy's fears by

assuring him that accompanying us to Ostend was farthest from his

thoughts, he having made all the necessary arrangements for throwing a

bomb-shell into the camp from this side of the water, as directed by

the Uncle Caleb and the boy Fourney. Boxes one, two, and three being

safely on board, we supported the old governor after them--Saunders on

one side, and Smooth on the other. Then the bell rang, and the steam

thundered and roared, and the little craft glided on her way, Saunders

waving his adieus from the wharf, and crying out at the very top of

his voice--'Don't forget Cuba!' and 'go it, Buck! Go it, Smooth!!'

CHAPTER XX.

ARRIVAL AND GRAND RECEPTION AT OSTEND.

"Our passage was attended with extremely pleasant weather; and nothing

remarkable occurred, except that the Dutch crew thought Mr. Buckhanan

a very great man, and the object of his mission the overthrow of

European dynasties in general. Twice they undertook to regale him with

sour-krout, which he pronounced inferior to that made in York county,

Pennsylvane. As to me, they declined to be convinced that I was not

Governor of Kentucky, having a singular belief in the peculiarities of

that State for growing long citizens--the tallest man always being

elected governor. Perhaps I should have added that the Schiedam was

only tolerable, the brandy bad; and that Buck, having forgotten his

tobacco, was compelled to resort to very bad Dutch loggerhead, with

which he kept the swabs busily employed.

"As we entered the port of Ostend, once so celebrated for the defence

of its garrison, a salute of thirteen guns was fired from the old

fort, which we attempted to answer with a rusty swivel, Buck waving

his hat, and singing 'Yankee Doodle' to the burghers who filed along

the dilapidated dyke. As the steamer neared a landing-place, we

descried the coarse figure of Corporal Noggs, surrounded by numerous

of his fellow citizens, prominent among whom was Monsieur Souley and

the Chevalier Belmont. In addition to these welcoming spirits, there

came also a Dutch band, which, ere we had made fast alongside, struck

up something they intended for _Hail, Columbia!_ The reader will

please appeal to his imagination as to what our reception must have

been, when I tell him that shouts and huzzas, interspersed with this

discordant 'Hail Columbia!' rent the very air, and made faint the

roaring of the steam from the funnel of our little craft. Boxes one,

two, and three, were now sent forward under an escort to the hotel,

while a triumphal chair secured to two long poles was placed in proper

order for the reception of my friend Buck. Rather against his

inclination, and not without expressing some doubt as to the propriety

of displaying so much pageantry in a foreign country, was he packed

into it by Monsieurs Souley and Belmont. Corporal Noggs now formed in

order the procession, which moved in state through the city, headed by

the band playing the 'Rogue's March,' which it mistook for 'Yankee

Doodle.' Such a funny procession! The reader may imagine the figure

cut by my venerable friend, when I tell him that the triumphal chair

was borne on the shoulders of Monsieurs Souley, Belmont, Daniels, and

O'Sullivan--the two former being in the lead. Close in the rear of

the chair, your humble servant, Smooth, took up his position, riding a

female jackass, an animal domesticated by Monsieur Souley, under whose

saddle she had borne up until the flesh was nearly off her bones. This

was tapered off with an everlasting string of seedy citizens, for whom

an innumerable quantity of goats seemed to have a fellow sympathy, so

close did they follow. At the hotel, from the balcony of which

streamed the stars and stripes, the uproar and confusion was beyond

description. Could some of the old burghers have risen from the tomb,

they might have imagined a modern siege of that city they so nobly

defended in times gone by. Staggering and sweating, the four envoys

bore their precious burden to the great porch, whence he was escorted

to the balcony, upon which he stood, like a Roman of old, and, by the

advice of Monsieur Souley, delivered a stunning speech, that versatile

functionary translating it into Dutch. It will scarcely be necessary

to add that the speech proved a decided hit, and was received with

shouts and acclamations. Not a little done over, the old statesman was

now regaled on delicious krout and gin-slings, and put carefully to

bed by a Dutch chambermaid. This was at three o'clock in the

afternoon. At seven I marshalled all hands for a grand banquet, which

had been prepared without any regard to expense, it being intimated

that Uncle Sam would settle for the whole thing.

"Fresh and refreshed we all appeared ready for action, and as bright

as could possibly be expected after such a fatigue. The table was set

out in grand style; indeed, it literally groaned under every delicacy

of the season--not excepting krout, the glows of which impregnated the

atmosphere. Buck said he would sit opposite the krout; but that was

objected to, on the ground of his eating so much as to change the tone

of his speech, which was expected to be more than usually

spirited. After so little opposition from Monsieur Souley, who wanted

the place himself, it was voted that I should take the chair. Of

course I could not refuse the honor; but in order to illustrate the

three principles of our political policy, I was cautious to stipulate

that Buck sit on my right and Monsieur Souley on my left. Here we

were--steady, very steady, and very fast. Belmont insinuated, rather

ironically, that Buck could no longer be considered of the steady

school; in fact, Saunders had so cultivated his component parts that

he might now, without any fear of contradiction be put down as

remarkably fast. I need scarcely add that the viands were discussed

with great gusto, Monsieur Souley absorbing so much of the _fricasee

frog_ that his glossy black hair, which had before beautifully

undulated over his shoulders, now curled tighter, his eyes sparkled

brighter, his face became more olive, and his periods more intensely

French. O'Sullivan, too, had procured some capital Irish whiskey,

which he said he already felt in his boots. At ten o'clock there was a

general secession of knife and fork, and a resort to the less tasteful

amusement of speech-making. Souley, however, had all the while said

all manner of things about, and brought all sorts of charges against

Louis Napoleon, whose government he denounced in very general terms,

not dreaming that that shrewd sovereign had introduced two spies in

the capacity of waiters. The cloth being removed, Monsieur rose,

considering he was in duty bound, and commenced throwing off the

rounded sentences of the first part of a very long speech,--at one

moment denouncing princes and kings in general, and in the next

threatening to smother Spain with an interesting exposition of her

perfidy. Her puppet government was a base mockery; he said Espartero

had grossly deceived him!--Here he was brought to a stand by

Mr. O'Sullivan, 'It's meself thinks the gintleman 's about debatin

matter what 'll cum afore the Convention to-morrow,' interposed that

gentleman. Monsieur Souley replied somewhat tartly: he hoped the

gentleman from Ireland would not interrupt him. Order! was now called

for on every side, and an appeal made to the chair, without whose

interposition a savage encounter must have resulted. The whole company

were now on foot, interposing for peace; nor had I time to assert my

authority, when, decanters of port and claret standing close at hand,

Souley seized one, and O'Sullivan the other, as if for weapons of

mortal combat, and commenced a series of threatening menaces. The

waiters were not accustomed to such feints, and one, before we were

conscious, of it had run down stairs and alarmed the house. Landlord,

servants, and a whole troup of police, came rushing into the hall, as

the two gentlemen of Verona, revealing the joke, made the politest

bows over their glasses, which they gracefully emptied. I was about

deciding that Monsieur Souley's language was decidedly personal, when

he proclaimed his determination to postpone his speech until

to-morrow. He would however, conclude by proposing a toast, which he

need scarcely add would be heartily responded to by every one

present. He would propose the health of the venerable statesman on the

chairman's right--a man who had long and worthily maintained the

highest rank among his country's statesmen, and whose opinions

(although he differed with them at times) were world-wide! (Great

sensation). Mr. Buckhanan now rose, evidently affected by the

immensity of the cheers. His mien was at once dignified, and when

contrasted with the promiscuous countenances that surrounded him, wore

an air singularly American. He began by saying he was happy to say he

did not feel himself a stranger in a strange land. (This being

translated into Dutch by Monsieur Souley, the invited guests present

received it with loud acclamations). We read the same books; we were

animated by a kindred love of liberty; we spoke the same language; we

enjoyed the same immunities of a constitutional government; and that

spirit which animated us to fight for liberty had its origin in the

same stock! Here Mr. Belmont interposed by reminding the venerable

statesman that the Dutch of Pennsylvania and New York could not be

said properly to represent the whole American Union. Order being

demanded and restored, Mr. Buckhanan apologised for the grave error,

which he charged to the delicious quality of the krout. He seemed

unconscious of what he had been saying, and suddenly became aware that

he had mistaken his theme, and was letting off the big end of his

model speech, with which he had so often entertained his friends at

feeds given by sundry Lord Mayors of London. The joke was too good;

the old man could not suppress a laugh at his own mistake, and sat

down, intimating that as he would have something to say to-morrow he

would now bring his speech to a close. (Uproarious applause). Again

Monsieur Souley rose, and amid shouts of--'question!' said the

question was of no kind of consequence, that he always went on the

principle of making himself heard. Further attempts to rein up

Monsieur Souley would have been sheer madness; so he continued his

speech, which included fifty irrelevant topics without discussing

one. He even charged Louis Napoleon with poisoning the champagne.

Whatever of truth there might be in the charge, we only know that the

speaker ere he had concluded his speech found himself standing alone,

the whole Congress having dropped off into a profound sleep. Becoming

indignant at this display of indifference, he stopped suddenly,

commanded the waiters to wake up the sleepers, and himself commenced

an uproar by smashing the tumblers and decanters, after the fashion of

a French fiddler in for a frolic. The company with one accord offered

an apology, joined in drinking the health of the speaker, charged the

delinquency to the strength of the poisoned champagne rather than that

of the speech--(which was narcotic, rather), and adjourned to meet in

Duitenethipicgnisher's Hall, at twelve o'clock on the following

morning. I must not omit to inform the reader that those who were

unable to see their way up stairs were carried there by the

waiters. Smooth, as a matter of course, had no bricks in his hat.

"Bright and early on the following morning I tumbled out, made a hasty

toilet, and set about waking up the Congress of sleepers. Souley I

found in a sad plight; Buck was snoring like great guns; O'Sullivan I

thought had either been dreaming of the Pampero expedition, or taken

too much whiskey during the delivery of Monsieur Souley's speech;

Belmont had made a pillow of his Dutch bonds--indeed the only specimen

of humanity up and moving was Corporal Noggs, who expressed his

anxiety to know what Marcy would say were he an eye-witness to the

preliminaries. As for Pierce! it mattered little what he thought, he

being a mere cypher among the boys. Having succeeded in moving the

Congress we sallied out to view those suburbs so full of historical

lore. To our surprise we were surrounded wherever we went by a

clamorous and grotesque crowd of discontented individuals, each

bearing a document in his or her hand, on which was prominently

described the great seal of the United States of America. For a time

the mystery involved seemed as undefinable as the jargon of the motley

group. Indeed, the whole city seemed not only agog, but panic

stricken. Nor was its influence confined to any class. It had delved

alike into the palace of the king and cabin of the burgher. Wherever a

delegate made his appearance he was sure to be followed or surrounded

by a clamorous group, pouring forth its jargon in a rhapsody of praise

to America, which singularly enough they supposed had sent the first

instalment of her intention to overthrow the dynasties of Europe, and

relieve mankind in general. Monsieur Souley, whom they happily mistook

for a Greek, was the only member of the Congress exempt from the

annoyance.

"A little more light was soon reflected on the mystery! Saunders had

inundated the city--not with his promised bombshells: his missile was

more alarming, but less dangerous. Having ingeniously changed the

object of a very long epistle, he dedicated it to the French people

instead of the Austrian Emperor. The mould of its dictum was decidedly

strong; but in order to add more point he gave his periods a peculiar

slant, at the head of Napoleon the Third. That a fellow-feeling as

lasting as the mountain chain existed between the French and American

peoples, there was, according to the circular, not a doubt. In

reference to other heads, there were strong doubts! The Congress now

assembling was an earnest of what he said: that _august_ body George

strongly recommended to the esteem of all aggrieved citizens. Did any

one doubt the genuineness or the national character of these epistles

he had but to refer to the great seal on their front, which was none

other than that of the Legation at London.

"The reader may now easily imagine our increasing difficulties. On

proceeding to the Hall at the appointed time, I found our Ministers in

a general state of alarm. Souley had received a private and very

confidential letter from his agent in Paris, forewarning him of Louis

Napoleon's intention to descend upon the Congress, perform a

_coup-d'etat_, and having nicely bagged the game, appropriate it to

his own table. In view of this, Monsieur Souley recommended an

adjournment to a more congenial atmosphere. Messrs. Buckhanan and

Belmont rising together, objected to any such movement, inasmuch as it

would discover a spirit of weakness, to guard against which Uncle

Caleb and Master Fourney had given express instructions. Here a long

cross-fire of discussion ensued. I thought it had neither head nor

tail, and was something after the order of what Mr. Pierce conceived

to be the object of this Congress, for it resulted in nothing, the

speakers all agreeing to withdraw what they had said. As a first move

to the organization of the body, it was agreed that Hanz Voghnine, who

was privileged to open a bar for the sale of good liquors in one

corner of the hall, would be the only outsider admitted. Hanz was

accordingly examined in reference to his being a spy; the result being

satisfactory, he was enjoined to keep nothing but a first-rate

article. On the second balloting I found myself elected President,

which high distinction, having been conducted to the chair amidst

soul-stirring acclamations, I acknowledged in what is generally termed

a neat and appropriate speech. Noggs was at the first ballot elected

Sergeant-at-Arms and door-keeper in general, the duty of which offices

he promised to fill to the very best of his abilities. A

vagrant-opinion was rife that Monsieur Souley would have filled the

office of door-keeper much better, himself being so easily opened and

shut. However, as Noggs had been voted the office, we all reconciled

ourselves to the selection, each member providing himself with a

gin-sling, and taking his seat. A silence, as of the tomb, prevailed,

while I rose to open the proceedings of the first day. I first made my

own bow, then drew forth the State paper commissioning me to call

together 'this august body.' Mr. O'Sullivan suggesting it was agreed

that there being out so many documents of a similar character the

reading was rendered unnecessary. I bowed to the decision. A similar

fate awaited an attempt to read several of Mr. Pierce's private

opinions. Mr. Buckhanan said we better hear what Pierce had to say,

and then make up our minds as to whether it was entitled to the

consideration of 'this important body.' Monsieur Souley replied, with

great fervency, that it were better Pierce be left entirely out of the

question, and the Congress proceed to deliberate on its own hook. A

good many dissenting voices here interposed; but the speaker, very

pertinaciously, said he had the floor, and was prepared to discuss the

question with any gentleman (here he turned a meaning glance at Buck)

disposed to accept the challenge. The dread of a lengthy speech

brought gentlemen to their senses: rather than endure it they agreed

that Pierce should be left entirely out. It was, now generally

expected that Monsieur Souley would sit down. No such intention had

he. Turning to me, he bowed, and said: 'Your Excellency will observe,

that as the order in which the many questions to come before this

Congress has not been produced, and the question of the acquisition of

Cuba to the United States being the most important one in the

schedule, I move that the order be suspended, and that the discussion

of that all-important subject be commenced.' Souley was inclined, I

saw, to absorb time very unprofitably. I was about to pronounce him

out of order, when there came a loud knocking at the door, followed by

a band attempting to play a Dutch medley. The door was immediately

thrown open. Ten citizens, savage and hairy of visage entered, to the

consternation of the Congress assembled. One of their number advanced,

having exchanged the countersign with Noggs; but he failed to make

himself understood until Monsieur Souley politely tendered his aid,

introducing him in succession to every one present. They were,

according to the rendering of Monsieur, a deputation from the '_Very

ancient and honorable order of Red Republicans_,' who, having become

aware of the many grand objects for which our Congress was convened

(as set forth in the circular of the great Saunders), had appeared

before it to pray that their grievances might be duly redressed and

themselves reinstated in the government of France. Monsieur Souley

made a speech of more than ordinary length on the subject, which he

brought to a close by calling upon the President (me) not to permit

this patriotic body of suffering men to depart without an assurance

that their case would receive immediate attention. This I did in the

very best manner possible, adding that Hanz might treat them to

gin-slings all round. This done, Monsieur politely bowed them into

the street, the last bow being his very best. The reader will by this

time have discovered that Monsieur Souley constituted the Congress and

Mr. Pierce thrown in.

"Scarcely had the deputation of very ancient and honorable red

republicans taken itself into the street, when entrance was demanded

by a deputation from 'The Hopeful Order of Polish Exiles.' The

individuals constituting it were lighter of person and complexion than

the reds; and, too, there was about them an air of melancholy which at

once touched the tender of my feelings. They bore with them a long

petition, and humbly but devoutly prayed America to make their cause

her own (here they produced several of Saunders' circulars): they

asked only to enlist in her bond of brotherhood. Long had they waited

the coming of this day--the day when she would invade Europe, and

fight the battle of Liberty against despotism. Sweet was the

recollection of a fatherland; to them it became sweeter as they

contemplated that great star of liberty all powerful in the West. They

spoke Scandinavian in silvery accents. Monsieur Souley's genius was

for once at fault: he spoke only French, Dutch, and bad Spanish,

rendering it necessary to call in the aid of Hanz, who, having

rendered it into Dutch, Monsieur did the rest. Dismissing this very

distinguished deputation with a positive assurance that their case

should be at once referred to the great George Saunders, nothing more

was required. 'I would suggest,' spoke Mr. Belmont, rising with great

gravity, as the satisfied gentlemen made their last bow at the door,

'whether it be not necessary to close the door against further

deputations, it being expedient to proceed with the transaction of

more important business?' To this Messrs. Sullivan, Buckhanan, and

Souley rose, greatly agitated. Souley said he had the floor, and would

not yield an inch. Mr. Buckhanan had only a word to say. Mr. Sullivan

gave way. Monsieur Souley said he had great sympathy for all oppressed

citizens. He could not but characterize such language as had been used

by the learned statesman, Mr. Belmont in reference to these very

respectable bodies, as contrary to the spirit of our institutions. Mr.

Belmont bowed, and left the speaker to indulge his love of speech,

which was again interrupted by a terrific thundering at the door,

which opened,--not to a deputation, but to a whole platform of

rejected humanity, presenting the most grotesque appearance.

Falstaff's invincibles would convey no comparison. Some were hatless

and shoeless; some had sleeveless coats and tattered trousers: others

had collars but no shirts; all had faces immersed in massive beards.

Two-and-two abreast, they walked, in with an independent air, each

provided with a Saunder's circular, and took up a position in a

half-circle just behind the seats of the several members of the

Congress. The person who represented them, and who could boast of but

one shoe, and one sleeve to his coat, and had a countenance smothered

in hair, now approached Monsieur Souley as Monsieur Souley approached

him, and both bowed. I ought to have mentioned that this last

procession was preceded by one of their number, wheeling a barrow, on

which was a monster petition, specifying the fifty thousand grievances

they hoped would be redressed by the Congress. Buck, who it was more

than suspected looked with suspicion upon the mixture of reds in

general, was seen squinting steadily in the faces of the

savage-looking intruders, while others could not suppress a laugh at

the singular quaintness of the picture they presented. The leader

having extended his hand to Monsieur, a consultation ensued, and was

continued with innumerable gestures, grimaces, and contortions of the

face. The Chair begged to remind gentlemen of the importance of time.

The Chair hoped Monsieur Souley would find it convenient to report.

That versatile statesman replied,--He had the honor to inform this

august body, that these gentlemen--externally so

deficient!--constituted the 'Forlorn Order of _Very_ Red Republicans.'

Here Monsieur turned to the forlorn order, as it, with one accord

bowed, in confirmation of what he said. 'Gentlemen!' continued the

speaker with a rhetorical flourish, 'you must not judge these men by

their exteriors. We have here the rough bark covering the fine

tree. Gentlemen! have not these men hearts of oak, nerves of steel,

and bone that, like their souls, never breaks in time of need?'

"The Chair thought it time to interrupt the speaker by inquiring what

the forlorn order prayed for? Monsieur Souley resumed. 'Learning from

the authority they held in their hands (epistle de la Saunders), what

were the true objects of this Congress, they had nobly come forward to

tender their services, and to express in person their readiness to

take up arms in America's cause. He proposed a vote of thanks for this

patriotic manifestation.' This was voted without a dissentient voice,

seeing that it cost nothing. The spokesman of the order again held a

consultation with Monsieur Souley, the result of which was, that

gentleman's making a charitable appeal to the Congress, and concluding

by proposing that a contribution be taken in aid of the forlorns. This

brought Mr. Belmont suddenly to his feet. He would oppose any such

thing. Their difficulties had already increased beyond calculation;

and, were this proposition acceded to, it would not only confirm a

singular belief outside--that the object of this Congress was the

general relief of mankind, but so increase their responsibilities as

to render it impossible to proceed with legitimate business. No sane

man--much less one accustomed to dealing in coin--could have

entertained such an idea. I need scarcely add that the proposition was

negatived without a dissenting voice, Monsieur Souley not voting. It

was now pretty evident to all present that the Congress would have its

time and attention pretty well absorbed in receiving deputations of

citizens deluded by Saunders' letters, and listening to the very

pathetic speeches of Monsieur. The day was now far gone; the Congress

began to feel its appetite; the forlorns withdrew in discontent; the

presence of many other deputations surrounding the doors was

announced; and the Congress drank all round, and adjourned to meet on

the following morning for the dispatch of business.

"The 'following morning' came, and with it troubles insurmountable.

Scarcely had the Congress resumed its sitting, when an avalanche of

deputations was announced, waiting an audience. Monsieur Souley

proposed that they be received in their order. Of course I was bound

to submit his proposal, but could not suppress a smile. I thought the

order would be the most difficult thing to ascertain. However, as we

are naturally good-natured, and love to turn the gravest subjects into

the lightest jokes, that they be received in their order was agreed to

without a dissenting vote. By four o'clock in the afternoon we had

received and heard the prayers of all sorts of deputations. There

was--'The Ancient Order of Roman Republicans;' the 'Lone Band of

Oppressed Brothers;' the 'Universal Brotherhood of Exiled Patriots;'

the 'Hopeful Band of Hungarian Refugees;' the 'Polish

Perpetuators;'--in fact, there came all kinds of orders, and bonds,

and leagues, and societies, all with innumerable grievances about they

knew not what. There were the oppressed, and very oppressed; the

hopeful, and very hopeful; the patriotic, and very patriotic; all

praying that their grievances might be redressed. Indeed, they

illustrated the fact that Europe was in no want of spirits. Some of

these forlorn brothers marched with bands of music, not only keeping

the city in a state of general alarm, but seriously disturbing the

nervous systems of many very respectable persons, high in office.

"It was now six o'clock, and as the Congress was hungry, and fatigued

with its labors, and Hanz was literally worn out with mixing slings

and smashes, I rose to propose we adjourn until to-morrow, seeing

there was no time to receive any more deputations; but was interrupted

by Noggs, who significantly announced a platoon of soldiery in front

of the hall. Monsieur Souley now turned a pale brown color; Belmont

was seen looking for a back-door; and Buck's hair changed two shades

whiter:--indeed, the alarm that had prevailed in sundry palaces

outside seemed to have seized upon _our_ Congress.

"'A demand from the King!' announced Noggs, with ominous accent.

Suddenly a suspicious-looking gent, smothered in dark uniform bespread

with a profusion of lace, was ushered in, and with an elastic step,

and quick, wandering eye, approached gracefully the President (me) and

announced himself as King's Messenger. For a moment he stood

uncovered, as if taking a bird's-eye-view of the mental qualities of

America; then, raising his right hand, which held a scroll, he

extended it to the Chair as Mr. O'Sullivan demanded--'Hats off!' The

silence of a minute was then broken by Monsieur Souley, who, having

regained his courage, interposed sarcastically,--'a messenger from the

King of the Dutch?' The official gave a glance in return, and bowed. A

seat was now provided for the stranger, who, as he was about to sit

down, intimated that in the event of the terms of his Majesty's

proclamation not being complied with, painful as it would be to his

feelings, he would, in deference to his orders, be compelled to resort

to arms. It was a moment full of painful anxiety: the Chair cast an

eye over the document, as every one waited with eager suspense its

being read aloud. At length, summoning to my aid all the dignity my

composition entertained, I rose as each restless eye denoted hope and

anxiety, and said I would read the King's commands, which were to the

following effect:--'That whereas sundry evil-disposed persons, not

having the fear of God before their eyes, and representing themselves

as citizens of the American Republic, have come into this country with

ill intent, and have, in defiance of law and order, held sundry

meetings for the purpose of conspiring against the peace of the State

and safety of the throne; and whereas the said persons herein set

forth have, since their landing on our beloved soil, conducted

themselves in a manner so riotous as to cause suspicion of their

deliberations, be it known to all concerned in this mysterious

gathering, that by this my proclamation I forbid the holding of any

such assemblies; and further, that unless that now in deliberation be

at once dispersed, the persons found engaged in it will be dealt with

according to the law made and provided for the punishment of vagrants

in general. Signed and sealed with our hands, &c., &c.' Need I say

that the reading this proclamation created a wonderful sensation,

which was here and there interspersed with marks of contempt for its

authority. The Chair, I insinuated, would await any remarks. Mr.

Buckhanan immediately rose, and proposed that we bow to the authority,

and move to a more congenial atmosphere. Messrs. Souley, Belmont

(having come back), and Jackson, rose to oppose. The King's Messenger

also rose: seeing the first symptoms of a powerful opposition

manifesting itself, he would warn gentlemen of the Congress that it

was of no use--they must move on! By way of adding tone to his demand,

he intimated that it might be necessary to motion his guard. As things

began to look rather squally, I said the Chair would like to say a few

words, provided Monsieur Souley did not interrupt, and was perfectly

willing to yield the floor. That gentleman firmly declined; adding

that he stood upon the order of his reputation, nor would ever yield

to Pierce, Marcy, and the King of the Dutch thrown in. He firmly

believed it a trick of Marcy's own; he was known to be in league with

the Queen of Spain, Louis Napoleon, and the Dutch King, with whom he

had compromised the Gibson case. Mr. O'Sullivan, with good logic

clothed in very bad English, now rose to the rescue, and was fortunate

enough to hit upon the identical expedient by which we all got

honorably out of a very bad affair. He proposed (Mr. Souley continued

talking) that it being evident to this Congress that insurmountable

difficulties of a local character having arisen, thereby impeding the

progress of legitimate business; that whereas the oysters are found to

be diseased; the gin-and-bitters intolerable; the champagne poisoned

by Louis Napoleon; and the sour krout absolutely indigestible, an

adjournment is thereby imperatively necessary. In consideration of all

the foregoing facts, the speaker moved that this Congress do adjourn

to the more congenial atmosphere of Aix-la-Chapelle. The motion was

carried with shouts of laughter, and the Congress broke up in the very

best humor, leaving Monsieur Souley in possession of the floor. In

addition to this, the King's Messenger was carried captive to the

first hotel and treated, while Noggs received orders to draw on Sam

for all outstanding bills.

"On the following morning the Congress took up its march for

Aix-la-Chapelle, resembling somewhat the children of Israel on their

historical pilgrimage. In straggling order did the grotesque train

wend its way,--Monsieur Souley mounted on the before-named jackass,

which, having so long been accustomed to Monsieur's riding,

obstinately refused to be mounted by my friend Buck, who was in

consequence seated on boxes '_one, two and three_,' which were placed

on a Dutch van, and drawn by two more docile donkeys, bringing up the

rear. The world knows the rest--that is, with one exception! Buck told

me, very confidentially, that the Congress had been fast enough for

anything; that Pierce was soft enough to think good would come of it;

and that he only put his signature to that remarkable document

proclaiming our natural right to Cuba with virtuous

reluctance,--merely to keep peace in the house!

CHAPTER XXI.

FASHIONABLE DEBTS AND FASHIONABLE DIPLOMATISTS.

"In days not altogether halcyon, I had a venerable great-uncle, a

quaint specimen of human infirmity, the singularity of the parish.

Though eccentric at times, he was not destitute of good qualities.

These, had they been properly applied, might have served to

distinguish him among men in what is pedantically called the higher

walks of life. But he had a fault, and one that is very unpopular even

at this day: he would get vexed at the short-comings of his neighbors,

at whom he would level truths exceedingly unpalatable. Indeed, he

never failed to put very keen edges on his sayings. Even now, I have

the old man in my mind's eye, as in the hey-day of youth my boyish

fancy sported with his infirmities. Never shall I forget his slender,

stooping figure; his bright bald crown, curtained with locks that

pended snowy over his coat collar; his weeping, watchful eye; his

tottering mien; his high and furrowed brow, lengthening a sharp,

corrugated face; his blunt, warty nose, made more striking by a sunken

mouth and the working motion of his lower jaw; and his crutch, for he

was a cripple. They left a deep impression on my mind. I speak of him

as he was in the dawn of his eightieth summer--when pale blue spots

bespread his hands, and his bony fingers he would when excited frisk

across the polished crown of his head. His great hobby was his

knowledge of diplomacy. And, too, he was forever talking about the

affairs of the nation, and would not unfrequently get put out with the

whole parish, because it withheld from him, he said, that deference

his experience was entitled to. He had, many years ago, been in some

way attached to the diplomatic corps, which he ever after regarded

with a sort of religious awe; and whenever a strange fit came over him

he would do something he said was to prop up its dignity, of which

none could be more jealous. I have, known him declare, that to

maintain untarnished the character of the polite corps, he would swear

by its virtue and his crutch. He would not have it held in suspicion

by the vulgar world, and would go straight into a fit of sickness at

the news of one its members doing aught to sully the fair name he

described it as possessing. Sometimes I thought my great-uncle had

been attached to some foreign mission in the mean capacity of butler,

or footman, for he was scrupulous of his bow, had an excellent taste

for wine, and would spend much valuable time in bringing to light and

brushing, and then putting carefully away again, certain velvet

inexpressibles of great brightness, and richly embroidered waistcoats,

of wonderful length. 'These,' he would say with an air of exultation,

'have a mysterious but mighty influence in changing and directing the

affairs of powerful nations.' He had also a boyish fondness for

displaying a lithograph of the Countess Hopenpap's family arms,

presented, he said, by that august lady to the legation, of which he

had the honor of being a member, and from thence stolen by Thomas,

footman in ordinary to the establishment. For this heinous offence,

Thomas, though his knowledge of etiquette was invaluable to the

mission (the gentlemen up stairs always fashioned their bows after

his!), was discharged, having been detected in the act of offering it

for sale at the counter of a dealer in old clothes.

"On the other hand, there was that about my great-uncle which

completely overthrew the suspicion of his having been a kitchen

diplomatist: he was an excellent judge of dancing, and what stronger

evidence of his forming one of the polite body up-stairs, does the

reader want? In addition to this,--he not only discoursed glibly about

diplomacy, but sagaciously gave out that he would turn his back to no

one in his knowledge of treaties; which said knowledge, and his

crutch, he was always ready to swear by. Those great brass buttons

with the eagles, and his blue small clothes, too, he wore to the day

of his death. The parish had a feeling that no fourth of July could be

celebrated without him; and I well remember how on that day I used to

think him rather too fond of laying his crutch over the heads of all

who differed with him on a question of state policy. My readers will

please understand that I have no particular interest in raising the

question as to whether my great uncle got his knowledge of diplomacy

up-stairs or in the kitchen. The fruits of my research would neither

be interesting here, nor serve the object I have in view. Enough is it

to know that he would now and then get into a funny vein, and in the

outpouring of his child-like enthusiasm, let out some exceedingly rich

jokes, touching the manner in which certain gentlemen paid their, to

him, most fashionable debts. And, although the old man did at first

seem himself to enjoy the recital, he was as sure to end in a great

passion. And with every deference to the feelings of certain of

Mr. Pierce's gentry, who have so recently figured upon the stage of

London and Paris fashionable life, I may add that he would testily

declare nothing would so please him as to cudgel every diplomatic

dandy that brought disgrace upon his country abroad and left his

countrymen to bear the smart. Indeed, he once honestly admitted that

foreigners were just foolish enough to look for exponents of our

national character among our representatives. If they were not

inclined to form the most exalted opinion of it through that test, it

was because they never once took into consideration the nature of the

accomplishments necessary to our office-holders, at the door of which

the blame lay. My great-uncle said that it was not that two or three

conducted themselves in a manner unbecoming their positions, but,

that, representing us in a national capacity, they saddled the

responsibility on their honester fellow-countrymen. This, to me, had

something about it I could not clearly understand; but I have since

thought that if my eccentric uncle had lived to this day, and been in

possession of his crutch, a reckoning with General Pierce had been the

result. Either he had made the splinters fly, or that worthy

gentleman's ear tingle with certain facts relative to the manner in

which his gentry have strutted upon the stage we have before

mentioned. I say this of the old man because his regard for the

feelings of the nation was almost equal to his reverence for the

diplomatic body. And I am sure he, in the earnestness of his soul, had

prayed Mr. Pierce to take into his pious consideration the means of

remedying an evil so gross as that of his diplomatists making it the

fashion of paying their debts with that sacred character the comity of

nations has granted all missions. He would have told General Pierce

that he was but a man, whose little day would soon pass on the wheel

of time, but that the country had a name to maintain among the

nations, an exacting posterity to account to! Will his men in the

bye-ways have done anything to which it may recur with pride? The

stages we have twice named can answer.

"The story of Mr. Secretary Bolt, as facetiously related by my

great-uncle, when in one of his funny moods, may not be inappropriate

here, inasmuch as it bears a strong resemblance to certain realities

perpetrated at this day, but which my habitual modesty forbids me

transcribing here.

'Of Bolt, morally,' my great-uncle would say, 'nothing have I to say.'

This said, he would rub his hands awhile, and then continue: 'He was

correct of person--extremely so--had fine limbs, was tall of stature,

courtly in his movements, spoke with great preciseness, and a clear,

musical accent; had model features, was not a little vain of them, and

always employed a tailor prince, who dressed him with exact taste, but

at an enormous cost. His motion, too, was as graceful as needs be;

indeed nature had done well her part, lavishing on his person a goodly

number of those endowments so necessary to a modern diplomatist, whose

chief function is to ornament the drawing-room, and create a flutter

among certain of the fair sex. You must understand that in Europe, as

well as America, the corps diplomatic rules the roost of fashion, and,

in addition to its enrolling within its precious precincts numbers of

the legitimate aristocracy, creates a great fluttering among that of a

more doubtful hue, who seek it and worship it as the idol of their

ambition. It always reminded me of birds with weak minds permitting

themselves to be charmed by snakes. However, be this as it may, the

knowing ones of York State (Bolt was a three-quarter blood Dutchman,

and from that State!) declared it no scandal, when they said his great

popularity with the ladies more than made up for his lack of law

knowledge. Honester people said, if his mind was not exactly

Websterian, there could not be a doubt that nature had intended him

for the profession of diplomacy rather than one requiring more

profound thought. His make-up was unexceptionable, his smile

exquisite. Then he had dark moustaches, which he would gracefully

finger into such an exact curve; and he had his small whiskers so

neatly combed, and every hair on his head lay in unexceptional

smoothness. The legation was not a little proud of Bolt, and on

drawing-room days, when he blazed out in his gold lace and sword,

would delight in watching the many dark, languishing eyes that would

ogle him over the down of gorgeous fans. Bolt was not dead to this

admiration, for we learned, from the constant wandering of his eye,

that he rather appreciated his own popularity. For a lady to say she

did not admire Mr. Secretary Bolt, was strong evidence of her want of

taste. I do not choose to enlighten the world as to how Bolt came to

be Secretary of Legation!' Here the old man would make a desperate

flourish with his crutch, by which I was led to believe that the means

were none of the cleanest; in fact that they were of a character very

similar to those used at this day, and to which may be traced the

cause of certain of Mr. Pierce's diplomatists having so distinguished

themselves in Europe. 'Zounds!' the old man would continue, testily

making a cross on the floor with his crutch, 'a desperate set was soon

made on our Bolt by that little world of fashion and intrigue which,

lizard-like, crawls about our Legations, and did more particularly so

about the one he honored with his handsome person. The Countess of

Longblower, very distinguished (according to the gossip of the

kitchen), and wife of the celebrated Earl of that name, took him at

once into the velvet of her good graces. Here, after a little ripening

at the hands of Samuel, the polite footman in ordinary, he shone out

the star of her small but wonderfully select firmament. There were

suspicious whisperings and some scandal concerning what afterwards

took place between my lady and Bolt; but as scandal and diplomacy

seemed inseparable to an European atmosphere, we as noiselessly as

possible laid the charge at the door of a certain sin.' Here he would

fling down his crutch. 'The Countess's carriage was forever at the

door, waiting the pleasure of Mr. Secretary Bolt; he had a plate

reserved at her table; he was the Adonis of her drawing-room; there

was a seat for him in her opera-box. In the front of the latter,

facing the stately front of her ladyship, one of her sweetest smiles

forced over her hard face, sat the handsome Bolt, now playing with the

tassel of her fan, then passing upon the Cavatina a sort of rosewater

approval. He had a fund of small talk always at hand, and as her

mightiness was extremely fond of such wares, so also did Bolt become a

very agreeable person. The Countess, too, would smile so

condescendingly, and keep up such a conversation with her eyes, now

and then glancing at the Earl, who dozed at a respectful distance in

the rear. If unexpectedly he exhibited signs of consciousness, Bolt

would immediately divert the subject by passing some facetious

criticisms on the rotundity of the primadonna. And then my lady would

chime in, having enjoyed her laugh: 'Your lordship never did enjoy

anything.' The Earl's nap over, and the last act near its close (her

highness never condescended to remain for the vulgar ballet, and

generally retired at the close of the fourth act), our hero would

tenderly arrange her satin, make himself so polite! and then she took

his arm so condescendingly, and exchanged the sweetest glances! How

often I pitied the poor Earl, as in the mightiness of his gravity he

would bring up the rear, bearing her ladyship's perfumed cambric.

Several times a tingle of wrath came over me, and I could not resist

the thought, that had I been in the place of the poor Earl when my

lady hung so rolickingly on the arm of Secretary Bolt, and sailed with

such an affected youthfulness through the grand hall, to the no small

danger of all muslin dresses in the way, my crutch had served as a

means to separate them. The old man, with weeping eyes, would now

finger his bandanna and resume his crutch. And then Samuel, in the

full blaze of his livery, would stand conspicuously at the grand

entrance, and ere her highness's head loomed out at the top of the

great stairs, announced her coming in a voice that seemed to strike

dismay into all unliveried bystanders.'

"One thing Secretary Bolt would, do that always displeased me, as did

everything that tended to lower the dignity of the corps. It was

this:--My lady loved dearly her drives in the park, and took them

nearly every day, at the most fashionable hour of five. Bolt, in cloth

exquisite, had always his seat at her side, where his special office

seemed that of nursing her favorite poodle and smoothing the Earl, who

on the front seat sat with icy straightness, all over with cheap

compliments. This was all very fine as far as it went! Being proud of

Bolt, as I have before related, we generously overlooked in him those

errors which are rather the result of vanity than the natural

offspring of an imperfect education. But we, as a nation have a worthy

aversion to paying a dear price for the maintenance of dignity; hence

Bolt, whose salary was but a paltry pittance in an atmosphere of

singular extravagance, soon found himself becoming involved for the

adjuncts necessary to such a connection. A happy thought, however,

soon flashed across his mind: was he not protected by the sacred

character of the mission? Of course he was!--away all misgivings!

What was the contemplation of such dreary matter to the pleasing

recollection of those fair ones whose hearts he had made flutter! And

then, not a day passed but he received no end of pretty missives,

perfumed and enveloped with curiously wrought lace, and virtuous

satin,--all bearing the tenderest burdens of love and despair. Bolt

was indeed fairly set upon by rival candidates for his heart, which

was supposed to possess a large portion of susceptibility. Nor were

his admirers merely confined to the satin and velvet of the

aristocracy, for 'pretty Betty,' maid of all work to the Legation, and

on that account so vain of the honor that she would not condescend to

associate with servants not attached to the corps, was by Thomas, a

wonderfully sagacious footman, discovered to be the writer of an

highly scented missive, directed as an arrow at the heart of

Bolt. That this little shaft of the tender passion contained some

truly original lines the enlightened cannot doubt; and I think I may

assert without fear of contradiction that Betty did in these lines,

notwithstanding they evinced a sovereign contempt for orthography and

versification, discover a deep knowledge of diplomacy. I say this for

the reason that her diction could be construed to mean anything but

what she intended; albeit there was such an openness about it

generally that any clever gentleman might walk in at the back door. I

thought it highly creditable in Betty to attempt a thing so mighty as

the conquest of Bolt's heart--indeed there was an admirable heroism

about it; but it caused a great flutter in the kitchen, where the

sensitive Thomas brought forward a motion for her extradition. Thomas

would not for the world have the character of gentlemen up stairs

sullied by vulgar hands.

"'Bolt had scarcely reached the full blaze of his glory when a series

of material obligations truly alarming commenced; and as I then

regretted the manner in which he discharged them, so am I now less

ashamed to relate them than sorry for their existence on the page of

the past. As nearly all Bolt's acquaintances had carriages, it seemed

imperative on him to follow their example, which he was not long in

doing. And this item of expense necessarily entailed that of two very

worthy gentlemen--viz.: Mr. Fripp the coachman, and Mr. Still the

footman--without whom no turn-out can be considered complete. Well,

these worthy personages were put in possession of the carriage, but

scarcely a week had passed before a great deficiency was discovered.

Messrs. Fripp and Still had acted in similar capacities to my Lady

Brackenbridge, and now declared it beneath their dignity to remain in

a service not honored with livery. They laid their grievance before

Bolt, who, appreciating the deficiency, forthwith ordered the

requisite plush and cockades, to the no small joy of those worthies.

If you ask me the cost of these adjuncts so necessary to a very fine

gentleman, my answer is that I cannot enlighten you; and this for the

very reason, that the cost of an article depends very much on the

manner in which you pay for it.'

"As my great-uncle said this he would grasp tighter his crutch and

look wrathfully about the room for a seat. 'Bolt!' he would continue,

having adjusted his shabby drab hat, 'soon learned that in Europe

tradesmen are exceedingly impressible, and notwithstanding they are

held in utter contempt by the fine gentlemen of the diplomatic world,

will be their humble servant to any amount, asking no other security

than the, to them, immaculate character of the mission. I do not mean

to say that Bolt made such facilities a study; nor would I be

understood as casting a sneer at the diplomatic body in general, but

when modern instances prove notorious facts, how can I turn a deaf ear

to the belief that our diplomacy has embodied another function?--that

of practising the most fashionable way of paying the most fashionable

debts. Pardon this little digression. There was a never ending demand

for Bolt's custom. Mr. Peppers, the distinguished jeweller of Regent

street, would fill his order to any amount; Broadwood & Willow,

tailors in ordinary to Her Majesty, always had a newly arrived

fashion, the senior partner knew his honor would be pleased with;

Dole, the wine merchant, who counted his customers among the first

nobility of the land, sent a list of his very best importation, humbly

soliciting an order. And as Mr. Secretary Bolt had not the least

objection to being driven into dignity, he would order all sorts of

things, from a diamond bracelet down to a tin tea-pot for Mrs.

Loveleather the laundress. It was wonderful to see how credulous these

tradesmen gentry were, and how they would chuckle over an order from

one of the legation. But I must here say that Bolt found a clever

diplomatist in Thomas, who was one of the best brought up servants in

Picadilly. Thomas had no end of accomplishments, and as a certain vice

in a servant is necessary to certain poor aristocracy and deeply

involved diplomatists, so also could he lie with a facility truly

incredible. If the history of Bolt's wealth, as related to certain

tradesmen by Thomas, could be handed down to posterity, I fear my

friend Cresus would find himself eclipsed. This it must be borne in

mind was before Thomas found himself dismissed for purloining the

family arms of the Countess Hopenpop. And while on the subject of

purloining propensities let me here say that I fear the vice of

stealing family arms did not end with Thomas, but was transmitted by

some of his more fortunate brethren up stairs to certain diplomatic

gentry of Mr. Pierce's choice, else how comes it that they,

notoriously plebian, made cockades and carriage doors bear strange

devices.'