"The fact is, Old Uncle John was at first inclined to make rather

spare use of bear's grease to dress his Turkey, an unhealthy bird,

scarcely possessing fat enough to cook himself; but, being rather

doubtful of his own culinary efficiency, had consented to receive a

French cook into the family: and, fearing there might yet be a

deficiency, the ever-credulous old dotard was making good-natured

overtures to one Joseph of Hapsburg,--never trustworthy, and always

known to act as circumstances changed interests,--who said there was

no knowing what time he would be ready to turn his attention to such

purposes. Joseph, however, was never in his life so willing to play

open and shut with John, at the same time giving Nicholas that cunning

wink so well understood in all respectable family circles. This game

Joseph played, and played, and played, until the credulity of old John

seemed like a cooked fish in a pot of porridge. The fact must be

confessed that Joseph was so politically dishonest that to be for once

honest was tantamount to a great victory over his traditional

immorality. Knowing right well the traits of character this Joseph

possessed, Jonathan would at short notice lend a willing hand to

thrash other morals into his system. However, with a view of leaving

this point to be settled by more interested parties, Smooth proceeded

to the holy places, where, he regrets to say, he shuddered at the

thought of how much human slaughtering it had been the scene--all done

for holy causes. Let an impious world forgive those _Little Ones_ who

in all ages have lent their aid to stimulate the worst passions!

"As for Turkey, I, Smooth, would make no insinuations against that

lovely but ill-governed country. Muslamism was dying by its own hand;

it had shocked a world with its persecutions; it had scoffed at

virtue, and was sinking down into its own deluge of vice. The

independence of Turkey! Now, Mr. Smooth made no boast of his

common-sense, but to such as he had it was a question whether the

Turk, instead of exhibiting so fanatical a love for fighting, had not

better betake himself to reconstructing and reforming his internal

government, and by that means save himself from a continual jarring

with nations sensitive of the rights of their subjects. Should this be

thought an employment too inferior, he might employ himself with a

plan for enforcing a more strict respect for the rights and feelings

of the christian population under his political rule. It would not be

incompatible with his own best interests, for it is unnatural that an

inferior govern a superior race. Flatterers, and even savans, may find

apologies in the changes fortune has been pleased to make in the

affairs of a state; but here so strong are the evidences of bad

government that only lame excuses can be offered for the finest

country the sun shines on groaning in poverty and distress. The

independence of Turkey!

"There could be no doubt that the Bear had long cherished a serious

inclination to do for the Turkey, the character of whose independence

he well understood. He would make fertile use of its apathy. The Bear

would cook the Turkey with his own grease--albeit, he found him a sick

man, but had no objection to the meal. If, however, he had lain his

paws too rudely upon the patient, diplomatic donkeyism made the case

still more dangerous. Mr. Smooth begs the reader's pardon for using

the term 'diplomatic donkeyism;' but indeed the only difference he has

yet been capable of detecting between the conclave which drew upon the

nations of Europe so much carnal warfare and the assinine species is,

that the former have soft heads in place of ears. These diplomatic

donkeys, ever ready to keep the world apprised of their own greatness,

and without the slightest objection to getting up an unnecessary

number of excitements for its benefit, betook themselves to playing

drafts, in which game they made such an innumerable quantity of wrong

moves, that they lost themselves on the board. The world strove to

respect the body, but having never before been perplexed with such

polite players, the effort was indeed a task. With regard to their

game of drafts, such was the fear of the Bear exhibited by the movers

that no one dare remove him boldly from the King row, lest it leave an

opening he was but too ready to take advantage of; nor did they want

to wound the Turkey by any incautious move whereby the Bear might

unhesitatingly swallow him: so they pushed and shoved until they found

themselves in a sort of baby-jumper, in which they could be nursed to

sleep while the war they had so innocently kindled waged fierce and

bloody. In fact, they themselves got the Bear so far into the crockery

shop that no one could get him out without smashing to pieces the

whole establishment.

"Everywhere in Turkey they were preparing for war; and so Mr. Smooth,

as soon as he reached Constantinople, where everybody seemed surprised

to see such a description of citizen, called a meeting of those whose

feelings were so finely up in fighting trim, to whom he stated in most

emphatic language that, inasmuch as Turkey had ennobled herself by her

noble defence of Kossuth, whose asylum in her domain was held sacred

at the price of the kingdom, he had great respect for her, but could

not think of fighting. But they didn't seem to understand square

Yankee talk; the consequence of which, in Mr. Smooth's opinion, would

be the Bear getting his cubs in motion, to do some first-rate

fighting. In this fighting Mr. Smooth would not have the least

objection to taking a hand, provided always that there was some coin

to be made at it. However, before entering upon the fighting business,

Mr. Smooth would especially stipulate that all Austrian notes and

Prussian protocols be used up in a bonfire, Austria be turned adrift

as an inconsistent huckster without principles, the diplomatic donkeys

be driven into the Danube, and all constitutional governments bound by

arbitrary yokes set free. In that case freedom and constitutionalism

would fight its own battles and constitutionalism would bid defiance

to Czarism. When the battle of liberty against barbarism became the

issue, then Young America would join with a bounding heart, a glowing

soul, and a firm hand. We can whip all creation, build more churches,

blow up more steamboats, lay down more railroads, and absorb more

Mexican territory, than any other nation breathing; but, in this case,

where liberty was at stake, hold me back if we wouldn't fight! At the

same time we would pay a premium for the privilege of whipping Austria

single-handed. Young America owes her a debt he stands ready to pay at

the shortest notice and cheapest price. 'Mr. Smooth,' said I, 'is here

before you, a free and independent citizen of the United States, ready

to chalk down the items of fighting to be done, say about how much we

can do it for, and get General Pierce, whose fighting diplomatists

will be thrown in, to stand security.' Not comprehending this generous

proposition I left them to their own stupid way; and as every American

conceived he had a right to his own opinions I hoped they would become

a reflex of the example.

"Seeing nothing, in Constantinople I could turn to account--the allies

were undermining the foundation of Muslamism as fast as possible--I

took a stroll to the seat of war, contenting myself with the hope that

something would ultimately turn up. The fact was, I meant to follow

the policy of the Aberdeen government when starving to death one of

the bravest armies that ever faced a foe. Instead of expanding plains

and undulating hills, such as Smooth had pictures to his mind in his

boyhood, I found the seat of war an ungainly mud-puddle, with ramparts

of savage-looking citizens menacing each other from its opposite

banks. Between these banks the amusement of war was every now and then

kept up with doubtful results. That something more than ordinary was

to pay I felt assumed by the grimaces of the contending parties, and

feeling a deep interest in the cause, I vaulted into the mist of a

group on the left bank, so singularly mixed that their identity as

allies could not be mistaken. To the question as to what brought them

there, they answered with unintelligible assertions about the

issue--the balance, of power--the _status quo_ of Europe, and nobody

knows how many more things that were to remain unmoved. The best that

could be made of it was, that the atmosphere of kings and emperors was

filled with very explosive matter which they thought it best to let

off in this sort, of way. If, according to Mr. Smooth's philosophy,

Europe were to remain in _status quo_, that spirit of progress so much

beloved by Mr. Pierce, and his family must die, a natural death. Was

it not singular that the least discussed issue, the most prominent one

of the war, according to Smooth's opinion, was in regard to who should

be the greatest toad in the European puddle? Your European puddle is

no ordinary affair; kings and emperors only dabble in it at the

expense of their people. I viewed with some interest this European

cesspool. In the centre there was seated on a pole, with his arms

folded, and having an air of assumed independence, a corpulent old

gentleman, whose face fused broad and red, like a full moon in

harvest-time. This very honorable gentleman had long esteemed himself

the largest toad in the European puddle, and was worthily sensitive of

his position, though he at times exercised it to a bad purpose. He was

notoriously square-shouldered, had beer'd a great deal during his

life, and could be as obstinate as a well-fed donkey. Indeed, he had

more than once been known to put his finger in his mouth and look

serious when great events demanded prompt action, but he never failed

to do his part when driven into the fight. To speak honestly, and

with all deference to the feelings of this very respectable gentleman,

John had no legitimate right to be thus mixed up in this squabble of

European despots; nor should he have permitted himself to be led into

it on the one side by that imperial transgressor, and driven on the

other by his own beer-shop politicians. That imperial first

transgressor had the fickle imaginations of his people to dazzle by

paying off certain old scores; even now how beautifully he plays the

disinterested to curtain the designs of his ambition! John,

nevertheless, did wake from his years of stupor to find himself in an

uncertain position;--this was manifest by the manner in which he

assumed a contemplative mood. A few shakes at the hands of his rougher

politicians aroused his apprehension of being swamped in the political

perplexity. Mr. Smooth paused, and took a careful view of the

venerable old man, that he might learn something more of

him. 'Stranger.' said I, 'what on earth has brought you here?'

"He canted his head, as if it were thickish, gave a dignified look,

and again turned to his meditations;--'Beg pardon, but I don't know

you,' he grumbled.

"'Social's the word, John; be social, and give us an inkling of your

motive for that peculiar position you unwittingly find yourself in.'

The salutation seemed to excite his astonishment. He was a stranger to

such familiarity--rudeness, if so you may please to call it; and

turned from me, his movements assimilating to those of a turtle with a

coal of fire on his back.

"'You are who?' he returned, in a gruff voice, a scowl of contempt

invading his broad face.

"'Smooth, from Down East!' I replied,--'who do you think it is?' To

make the point more convincing, I started up Yankee Doodle, which I

whistled with the variations.

"'You are not only an intruder, but an impertinent fellow!'

"'Needn't feel disagreeable about it. Smooth--a man of standing in his

diggins, and Young America's independent delegate, has only come to

take a bird's-eye view of the way things look about this seat of war.'

"'Who the devil is Mr. Smooth? I know he has no business here!' again

grumbled the old man.

"'Don't know Solomon Smooth, eh?'

"'No, don't nor do I want to. You are always making difficulty

wherever you go, probing your nose into everybody's business. You may

be a keen fellow in commerce, but in diplomacy you are impertinent and

quite beside yourself. You better be off from here, inasmuch as I am

the biggest toad in this puddle, and mean to remain so. We are not

inclined to know anything about Mr. Smooth; so the quicker he packs

himself and his baggage up and is off from this, the better.' The

earnestness with which he said this left me no reason to doubt his

intention to remain the biggest toad of the pool.

"'Mr. Smooth, something of a man in Washington, holds a contrary

opinion, and claims a right to know the ins and outs of what is going

on outside of your dominions, as well as inside his own, and to

insinuate himself into just what it may please him,' I replied in the

measured manner of an experienced diplomatist.

"'Perhaps you have,' he interrupted, 'but if you were possessed of

ordinary modesty, you would refrain from intermeddling when you saw

what a blasted time I had to keep that great Bear, across there, from

breaking his chain and devouring everything on this side.'

"'Feeling a fellow sympathy, I thought perhaps I might lend you a hand

to do some of the whipping,--knowing how the brute professes to be a

christian of the latest pattern.' Nicholas had a strong appetite for

the Turkey, which, though sick, he would have no objection to

breakfast upon, as I have before stated; and, that his christian cubs

might share the feast, he had begun to teach them the straightforward

principles of holy orthodoxy; which said holy orthodoxy incited a

craving for blood we have not yet learned to appreciate.

"The said sick Turkey had not given the best satisfaction to the world

in his mode of reducing to poverty his flock; and, too, he was always

ready to bandy words and ostentation,--having a large supply of the

latter always on hand. He had, moreover, evinced a certain degree of

heroism; nor was he ever backward in professing his readiness to fight

somebody--if it were the unruly Bear, so much the better. The heroism

thus manifested on the part of the decaying Turk would have deserved

more praise had it not had its origin in the assurance that Uncle John

would lend a hand to do the fighting. Mark ye! John had copiously

poured forth his treasure and blood in order that this vagabond Turkey

might still live, and be saved from the Bear's all-digesting stomach,

and for which he would deny John the freedom of his city; he would

condescend only to honor him with the title of dog.

"In one sense a more generous fellow than John was not to be found on

the outside of our small world. He had been the pack-horse of Europe,

and all sorts of kings had used him for all sorts of purposes. Never

was friend used better. He was proud, and yet how submissive. Ready to

shed his blood and squander his treasure for he knew not what, he was

equally willing to submit his well-burdened back to the kicks and

cuffs of those he had saved from ignominy. Now, the very type of

endurance was he who sat poised in the puddle. 'As for the Bear,' says

John, 'he won't guarantee to be satisfied with his ordinary rations;

and if he were to plant himself in the centre of this puddle I would

very obediently have to plant myself out.' Here John folded his arms,

and, with a dignified air, ordered his beer.

"That John should keep his eye sharp to windward was natural enough;

but had this very same eye been kept to windward many years ago, much

blood and treasure had been saved in the present. It is playing false

to his national character thus long for which John now pays so

dearly. But that phantom of terror excited by the Bear's growth,

Mr. Smooth seriously thinks unworthy of being entertained by the

honorable John.

"'You need not be alarmed, Mr. Smooth,' continued John, modifying

somewhat his natural crisp: 'I am painfully sensible of our

diplomatists having played the donkey; but why should you, being far

removed from the scene of strife, nor having immediate interest in the

game, desire to burn a finger in it? Be a man of sense--watch kings

and kingcraft--go your way home in peace, and let peace be your

glorious triumph over war!' From John such advice was valuable.

Acknowledging the joys and comforts of peace, we shook hands,--I

wished John well with his fighting, and we parted. I could not

however, resist the conviction that John knew not for what he fought

so bravely, and might have maintained his position as the greatest

cock of the dunghill without sorrow to the homes of his people, and

desolation into the land of his long tried and most dependable friend.

Who can foretell the ways of a Napoleon. Oh! ambition, ambition!

CHAPTER XIV.

DONE BROWN IN DOWNING-STREET.

"Few would have supposed that when Minister Smooth left General Pierce

and his waggish cabinet he would so soon have taken a turn round the

world, and fetched up in that world of misery and wealth called

London. But the world has got very fast, and only a fast man can keep

up with it. Indeed, it were well we set about doing things fast,

instead of so thinking them over in the mind that they seem immovable

as mountains. Well, there was in London just about this time much

waste of that sort of small talk newspapers now and then deal largely

in, (editors are always kind enough to consider themselves great

warriors), concerning our very spunky Captain Ingraham, who, they

said, had Kosta safe under his guns, and would blow Austria to nobody

knew where. The whole, however, only amounted to the simplest evidence

of what there was in sympathy and the Saxon heart. To our Christian

friends would we say--none of these things moved Smooth from his

equilibrium. After all, come to the true philosophy of the thing, and

it only amounted to a broil among small bullies. And, too, did the

little skipper not take care of himself he was no Yankee, and the

whole United States would know it to his discredit.

"General Pierce, too, being a fighting President, (not a doubt could

exist since the bombardment of Greytown), would take good care of the

whole thing (perhaps send to Congress a message blazing with the

language of war). Could it turn a point to his own advantage, he

would--right or wrong--send a fleet to whip Austria, to make her

something.

"But let us turn to a subject more fruitful. London seemed like a

great waste of dingy dwellings and badly constructed palaces, the

whole sleeping under a canopy of sickly smoke. Everything wore a

sombre, heavy air--even the men seemed born to methodize on some one

object. Show-shops, beer-shops, and gin-palaces, made the very air

reek with their stifling fumes. Above all, there were great palaces

for very faint-hearted people, who thought well of themselves, and in

their prayers thanked Uncle John, at whose great cost they lived in

sumptuous idleness. As this last specimen of human nature, when

dressed in full shine, would completely outshine the most vain Pawnee

chief that ever ran wild in Arkansas, Mr. Smooth was anxious for a

peep at the curiosity. In truth, to Mr. Smooth's unpolished eye

London looked as if it might have emanated from a place called hook or

crook, and stretched along the banks of a nauseous stream spreading

its death stenches in the air, where, diffusing itself in the most

perfect of fogs, it lent cheerful aid to the trade of physicians.

Everybody affected great knowledge of system; and yet things were so

complex of past errors and ages that no system existed equal to the

requirements of the present day. The municipality was great only on

dinners and donkeyism. It had indeed a dining senate, but that august

body never was known to discuss the practical reform of anything but

turtle-soup, and that with an horrid carving of the English language.

"The beggar, (we name the worst nuisances first), the begrimed sweep,

the butcher, the hawker, the ignorant costermonger, the 'cute cabby,

the wily tradesman, who seeks favors and pockets frowns from his

distinguished clowns--the Lord, whose rank is known by his tinsel, and

the Duke, so deeply identified with flunkeyism,--all move along,

helter-skelter, helter-skelter. And then there came the small men of

smaller titles, and the commoner whose grumbling was only equalled by

his apeings. To dine with my Lord Flippington was to him something

great; nor could his airs and ostentation be well improved. The little

man of little titles, too, stood profound in his dignity: no man was

larger, nor thought he that his own little self wasn't great. To the

tailor who made him he paid money down. Of all men was he the largest

dabbler in that divine essence of things called men--the philosophy of

blood. But to keep up the dignity it not only required a great deal of

experience, but a large amount of tin in the pocket, which for the

minus thereof was it necessary to have a deal of brass in the

face. This principle, then, which is strictly in accordance with

natural philosophy, being very well developed in this worthily aged

country, makes the truly great very great of modesty; while the man of

pewter greatness--that is, great because Our Sovereign Lady said he

might take upon himself the name of Sir Simpleton Somebody! always

boiling over with the froth of his own follies. With tin in his

pocket, brass in his face, and never a forlorn _h_ in his vocabulary,

is he the fellow to do brown the 'rag and tinsel.'

"Well, Mr. Smooth felt conscious of his own importance, and that same

was something among the good British. With philosophy profound in his

long face, Mr. Smooth made his compliments to the new and very sedate

minister, who some facetious wags called the very unobsequious Jimmy

Buckanan, of Pensylvane. This worthy and very firm-fisted statesman,

who was too much of the old school ever to be President of our United

States, advised the doing of a great many things, the diplomacy of

which Mr. Smooth seriously doubted. Especially did Smooth question

his reasoning on the breeches question, the quaint originality of

which was Marcy's own. This the venerable statesman informed me in a

sly sort of way, as he invited me to go into the back place and take a

little gin and bitters in a quiet way, for he was inveterately averse

to every body watching his movements. To live in a country so ancient

of incongruities, and where not alone the weak-minded bedeck

themselves in fancy coats and flashy tassels, and indescribable

coverings of high colors, requires some resolution in the man who

mixes with it, and is pleased to make known his taste for plain

black. And here Mr. Smooth and the worthy and very promising statesman

held a very learned controversy over the fact of Marcy having gone

into the tailoring business so largely as to define the shape of coat

it was consistent to wear at court tea-parties. Smooth wanted to put

on a little bright, just to look a man of consequence, and in order

not to be behind several of his brother democrats, whose names he

views it imprudent here to insert, and seeing how he was invited to

join a dough-nut party in Downing street, while he was certain of a

card to one of Citizen Peabody's most select dinners, for Peabody was

an intimate friend and old acquaintance; but our honest and very

American plenipotentiary said it would not do, for the obvious reason

that a man's importance should depend on what was in his brains. His

very democratic secretary having come to his sense of the force of

this argument, had made a solemn promise to put on red cloth and

feathers but four times a year, one of which he stipulated should be

at the opening of the Crystal Palace, that being an occasion when all

the fine ladies were expected to be present for the purpose of

witnessing the superiority of genius over court fooleries, as well as

being singularly fascinated with the young secretary's handsome

person. The argument here was so strong that Smooth at once knocked

under; and, too, simplicity in great men being greatness itself, he

sincerely enjoined all his countrymen to let sense and not semblance

honor their country, guide their actions when abroad.

"Acting upon the principle so many of our countrymen unhappily

develop, (thinking nobody could hear of it on the other side of the

water,) Mr. Smooth chartered a donkey-cart, put his donkeys in shining

liveries, and was determined to outdo the Choctaws in making London

astonished. The most expensive tailor in Regent street did up the

external, as he had before so many of my very simple-minded

countrymen. Such a suit of toggery as it was! Alongside of me General

Scott would have looked shy, I reckon. And then, when the big cocked

hat was spread! I tell you, Uncle Sam, there as no touching Smooth--he

was half-duke, half-beadle, and the rest Pierce diplomatist. 'If a

dash ain't cut among the nobs!' thought I. The donkey turn out was a

curiosity, Smooth himself was a curiosity; and with two curiosities an

excitement was certain. My first dash was into Hyde Park, near the

entrance of which stood the brazen statue of a gladiator, raised by

fair hands, in commemoration of the Iron Duke, whose indelible deeds

they would emblazon on hardest brass. In this park, at fashionable

hours, sauntered the nice young men of the West End; that is, the

biggest snobs of the fashionable world; but Smooth took the shine out

of the whole lot, as did nearly all the rest of Mr. Pierce's little

folks. Had he, however, turned out in the flummery of some of his

contemporary snobs, and driven thus equipped into Cape Cod, a

town-meeting, to take into consideration the sending him to a place

where straight-jackets are worn, had been the result. But in London a

man may make almost any kind of a fool of himself, without applying

for a license. Indeed, the man most earnest in making an ass of

himself may do it, with the satisfaction of knowing that he has a very

large number of very respectable families for patrons. In Hyde Park

the greatest asses (a name and the needful may be necessary) have the

most followers. Longest ears are not the surest indices. After all,

my reader must excuse me for not visiting the purlieus of Downing

street just yet, having a few of Mr. Pierce's little folks to pack up

and send home to Fourney, with instructions that he give them a few

more turns on his grindstone.

CHAPTER XV.

HIS LITTLE LORDSHIP'S SHOW, AND A PEEP INTO DOWNING-STREET.

"Uncle Sam!--if, beside yourself, there exists outside of Cape Cod

another individual who would like to see Mr. Thomas Foolery move in

state most perfect, just send him over here: he must be present on

that day when the little Lord Mayor makes a great man of himself. A

great man is the Lord Mayor on that day on which he sacrifices all his

good sense to an ancient and much-beloved show, in which he permits

himself to be made the fool of the farce. No Choctaw war-train was

ever half so extravagant of colored cloth and feathers. A great day

for London loafers is it, when my Lord Mayor puts on the big chain,

and issues his mandate to the sprats, who then come up the river, to

the great joy of the poor, who have it thus in tradition. Well, Smooth

thought he would keep Lord Mayor's day, and to that end harnessed up

his team of donkeys, merely by way of contrasting it with some duke's

turn-out. Imagine, Sam, my chagrin, when one of the donkeys took it

into his head to keep Lord Mayor's day in his own obstinate way. Not a

step would he go. However, I got another donkey, and proceeded to

where the Lord Mayor was, just in time to hear him make a funny

speech, throughout which he made a sad slaughter of all the h's and

a's of the King's good English. Then he seated himself in the barge,

and had a sail on the Thames, followed by innumerable beggars,

sycophants, and costermongers. Succeeding this he marshalled his

show-folks into a string (such a string!), and with them caused his

august self to be moved to the Mansion House. Swarms of frightened

turtles were seen hurrying away in front of the cavalcade.

"Such a set of white-washed heads--heads with all outside--heads with

little inside--and heads nobody knew what they had been made for,

never before were seen displayed in one string. Strangely attractive

was the glare of tinsel--it fascinated the little souls of corpulent

men, and made small men more becomingly great. Fact was, Uncle Sam,

His Worship the Lord Mayor, whose year of greatness was death to

turtle and terrapin, so outshone Her Most Gracious Majesty (a good

little body) in confusion of brilliant brass, that the little woman

thought it incumbent to call a Cabinet Council, before which she laid

the grievance of his stealing her thunder. At this privy council

Prince Albert was permitted to be present without anything being said

by the Daily News and Morning Advertiser. His Worship had indeed

usurped all the modern appliances of flunkeydom. But the cabinet, it

was acknowledged, was very thick-headed, and her Majesty, good body,

must bear the consequences.

"Well, after the most curious caravan eyes ever rested upon, there

followed his jolly worship the Lord Mayor; he largely sat in a coach

of gingerbread, the tea-things spread outside, and the glows of

Souchong impregnating the air. They said his jolly Lordship sold real

and mixed Twankey. In this sense, however, was his Lordship more

fortunate than his predecessor, who, having ascended from the soap

business, and himself used a large amount of that article for the

purpose of washing down the wares of Threadneedle street, found his

greatest difficulty that of getting rid of the foetid scent. And then,

my Lord's h's were the things most violently handled; for otherwise he

wasn't a bad fellow, and when he rode in his coach of the olden time,

which might, by the green in mythology, have been taken for the lost

chariot of Elijah, it was a serious question whether himself or the

things that held on behind were greatest. Then these latter gents of

flunkeydom in frills had big sticks in their hands, with which they

kept the flies from my Lord's good-natured countenance. Happy fellows

were they, and, like well-stuffed mules, only wanted the long soft

ears to make them marketable. Everybody said it was a big day in

London. To have suggested that his Worship might be making an ass of

himself in this common-sense nineteenth century would have been to

render yourself a victim of hasty contempt. Smooth was just taking a

contemplative view of these things,--asking himself how many poor

wretches would lose a day's work over the nonsense; how many would get

drunk on the hallucination of the show; how many poor mechanics would

make a blue week to his Lordship's honor; and how many would find

themselves in the House of Correction to his disgrace--how many

employers would be annoyed,--how many customers would be

disappointed--and how many wives would get broken heads; when suddenly

a crowd of filthy, dejected, and ruthless beings swept along in mass,

heedless of whatever came in their way, and threatening life and limb

in the onset. Then there came such a smashing of maids' bonnets,

squeezing of milliners, and frightening of old maids, as never was

seen before; indeed, this, added to the many well-jammed ribs and

jostled beavers, seemed the most expensive part of my Lord's show.

Summing the whole thing up in a logical sort of way, Smooth made it

amount to this:--that the Lord Mayor, just mounting into greatness,

could by no means make that greatness impressive by any knowledge of

philosophy he possessed; so, to be sure that his importance had its

force upon all vulgar minds, he suffered himself made to play the part

of a monkey in a cake-shop. To this his Worship added the greater

gratification of having given amusement to nine-tenths of the city

costermongers, made idle seven-tenths of the working people, kept busy

two thousand gin-shops, filled eleven hundred chop-houses, given hard

work to five hundred policemen, who never like to be worked hard, and

made lackeydom tumultuous. And then Beadledom seemed crazed, and,

joined with the many ale-bibbers, were turned out to do good service

in the show. But, to make my Lord's train complete, there was no

knowing how many men he had to ride on horseback, how many more so

inebriated they couldn't ride, how many of a character nobody would

desire to know out of his show, and how many _ballet_ girls who ride

in circuses and so forth,--all of which latter material had faces made

deep of moonshine modesty, to suit the solemn occasion. Then my Lord

topped off the little end of his show with the soup and great

Ministers of State. And, that nothing should be left undone, the

_Times_ must have a _go in_ at it, which it did with one of Doctor

Moseley's most spicy articles, putting the whole thing into a very

comical nutshell. Quoth Sam, without the thunderer's dissecting knife

a London Lord Mayor would be the most beautiful of nobodys--that is,

so far as sense goes. Smooth, on the nicest observation, was decidedly

of the opinion that only one thing more was wanted to make the Lord

Mayor's Show complete--a pair of long soft ears emblazoned on the

Corporation coach. The reader will excuse Smooth for dwelling thus

long on little things.

"Having peeped long enough at the Lord Mayor's Show, I felt like

looking at something more solid; so to that end I turned about the

donkey-cart, whistled to the flunkeys (kept things of this kind merely

to be like other Americans when abroad), and drove into Regent street,

where I would inform General Pierce and all my firm friends a

desperate excitement was made. Then, in glowing independence, I rolled

away down Pall Mall, where the club-people--especially those of that

institution of arrogance called the Reform--seemed much astonished.

From thence I proceeded past Trafalgar square, where stood in singular

contrast the monument of the noble Nelson, and an equestrian statue of

that ignoble creature, Charles the First, the loss of whose head saved

England from disgrace. How strange, that even in this day of

intelligence and liberty-loving, it should stand a shrine before which

very respectable old gentlemen poured out their stale patriotism! At

last I found myself in Downing street--at the door of a massive and

sombre-looking mansion (No. 12) in front of which stood

methodical-looking men with grave countenances. And, too, there

sauntered moodily venerable-looking gentlemen, now and then casting

wistful glances at the time-begrimmed walls, as if they would see some

one sealed-up in the antiquated recesses of the place. Mr. Smooth's

turn-out only made a stir among them; they reckoned somebody had come!

In a free-and-easy sort of way I walked straight to the door,

maintaining my independence the while, and feeling as important as a

door-keeper in Congress. After passing the massive entrance I

encountered innumerable obstacles in the form of flunkeys, and then

passed into a dingy room of immense size, which for all the world had

the appearance of having some two or three hundred years ago served

for a barracks. 'By appointment?' inquired a human thing dressed, as

he emerged from behind a green screen situated at one corner. He

bowed, and I bowed, until he was satisfied I was somebody, 'Who would

you see?' he reiterates, adding another bow.

"'Well!' returned I, 'reckon how I'll think about that.' Then the

fellow crossed three or four times my track, as much as to

say--Stranger! you don't go in there. Presently a batch of well-to-do

individuals came snickering out of a closet, and eyed me very

suspiciously; at which I summoned all my brass, and stood fronting

them like a staring machine. 'You must say who you want to see!'

interposes the man I first confronted.

"I here took leisurely out my card, and said 'I would like to see the

Duke of Newcastle, who temporarily tied up in this establishment.' He

viewed my card with a serious hesitation; at which I turned round, and

told him I would not trouble him, but take it myself, had he had any

special objection to going a-head. They, the people, said the Duke,

did all he could with what he had to do with. If it were not possible

to see the Duke, I would like a peep at my venerable aunt Aberdeen,

who was about as well qualified to sway the destinies of discontented

England as a virgin pumpkin; and together with my ever amiable Lord

Clarendon, would set a world at war good-naturedly. These very high

functionaries, Mr. Smooth was informed, could not at present be seen

by common people, inasmuch as they were contemplating the problem:--'I

don't know what to do!' Nicholas's appetite for Turkey breakfasts had

made work too profound for the brains of Downing Street. 'Don't seem a

subject of this atmosphere,' said the stupid, significantly canting

his head, and giving a queer look out of the corner of his right

eye. 'You fellows don't seem to know me,' I interpolated, 'Citizen

Smooth--they call me Solomon Smooth, Esq., that is my name.' A door

now opened near where I was standing, and in I walked--right among the

Dukes and dough-heads. It only wanted a bold push, in the right

go-ahead sort of way, to make myself respected. Dukes were not only

flesh and blood, but owed much of their importance to the ignorance of

the people they aspired to frown upon. Dukes, Earls, and Lords, were,

at this moment, playing at very un-English games for England. They

affected to believe it right that the loyal people (I mean the simple

and vulgar, who have hitherto proved mean the simple and vulgar) who

have hitherto proved true to their noble traditions, should remain

ignorant of the game played at their expense. This, Mr. Smooth thought

too bad; however, his friend Urquhart was devising a scheme for

remedying the evil, which, did he not himself fall into evil, might do

great good to the nation in general. But Urquhart was so modest that

he never accused Lord Palmerston of anything worse than bringing about

the potato rot in Ireland. 'Hallo hallo!' a dozen voices echoed from

the table around which the all-accomplished sat:--'A rustic intruder

is upon us!' half muttered the man who followed me in. 'It's only

Solomon Smooth, Esq., from the Cape,' returned I, with a good,

wholesome laugh. Believe me, Uncle Sam, there sat round a table ten of

the most solemn-looking fellows, with faces as dreary as a wet moon in

November. Some of this unique body looked as if they had seen hard

usage and lean pay. Others were grey with thinking, instead of

moving. Be not surprised either when I say that the gravity of their

countenance left no visible room for anything else. Hard at it were

they, straining their antiquated imaginations over a secret game of

thimble-rig, which seemed of momentous importance. Only five, however,

could play at the game; and Sawny Dablerdeen, who always played on two

small pipes, and paid sundry small pipers to do a deal of blowing,

seemed in the greatest fuddle. And then there was my Lord John

Littlejohn, as crusty a little snap as ever declaimed against tyrant

in one breath, or turned a political summersault in another;--bricks

to the back-bone was he, and all for old England, though he was not

bigger than one of Betsy Perkin's well-grown cucumbers, and could be

turned to as many uses. But what there is mentally in a man must not

be judged by the measure of his body from head to foot. And, too,

there was my very amiable Lord Clarendon, who attempted to out-clever

my Lord John, inasmuch as John stated, in the fulness of his

geographical knowledge, that the passage between Havana and the

extreme southern point of Florida was not more than four hundred

miles, while my Lord Clarendon assured the House of Lords that South

Carolina was an island. Enlightened House of Lords! But, after all,

there was a harmony of sentiment between these two noble worthies that

was truly grateful to the submissive hearts of the freedom-loving

English; both could spin flattering speeches: both could play the long

and short; both could wince when foreign bull-dogs sent out their

threatening growls; and both were mighty of mouth when dealing with

little chickens. It was not to be concealed, however that Dablerdeen,

master of the board, was gifted with the unfortunate characteristic of

talking himself into an interminable difficulty.

"'Who, or from whence on earth do you come?' inquired my Lord.

"'Smooth,' I replied, that is my name; I am a citizen of the Great

Republic--come to study the way in which you are disorganizing foreign

affairs.'

"'Yer a little in advance of the times--too fast, sir!' replied a

large man most serious of face. Thinking it best to answer him by

declaring my opinion to be that it was better to be with the age than

behind it,--and which I believe constituted the only difference

between a fast and slow man of the present day, I let slide at him

upon the fallacy of his political philosophy, with knock-down

arguments.

"The fellows cooled down at once, and John Littlejohn said, 'Come,

Smooth! if you really are a clever citizen then you are precisely the

fellow we want!' And then he conversed feelingly with me, said how

much he liked our country and our countrymen; persuaded himself to

believe them the real go-ahead chaps--though he, at times, thought it

quite necessary to keep their go-ahead a little slow. I proposed their

taking a smoke in a rough and ready sort of way, and pulling out my

pouch, in a friendly sort of way, they all seemed struck aback with

astonishment. One said, if we did things that way in Congress it was

not the way they did them here. They all shook their heads--said they

didn't smoke.

"'We will may it please you Mr. Smooth--Citizen of the United

States--excuse these things for the present,' rejoined Dablerdeen, who

looked as if he did not know which way to turn, or how to please his

people. Seeing this I sat down and watched the very odd style in which

they played the game. Dablerdeen did all the talking, and Littlejohn,

whom the reader will see had returned home helped him make his muff;

and then there was a good deal of assisting one another to forget each

move. But Sandy always moved slow, as if he had something under his

thimble he was afraid of damaging. 'That's Turkey, that's Russia,

that's France, and that's Austria--and this is ourselves!' he would

say, making the moves up or down, but not knowing where to stop. 'It

won't do to push that one, it won't!' he continued, pointing at the

one he called Austria. 'If you did, nothing would you get from under

it. It's a costly cup with a tender handle, somewhat dangerous to

turn: only the cup of Spain is more costly; but that in this emergency

is of no account whatever.' They had no United States cup to move,

inasmuch as Jonathan had very respectfully declined to hazard a point

in European games when he withheld his ascent to a tripartite treaty

for the purpose of keeping his delicate fingers off Cuba. Now these

very antiquated gentlemen seemed to entertain some respect for the

British Lion, some apprehension of Jonathan and Nicholas, and a great

dislike for fighting, which they had been driven, or rather drifted,

into much against their imagined obligations to peace; for, indeed,

did they carry on the war tail foremost, finding everything they had

done large of stupidity. By and by a loud call rang through the

tabernacle, and in another minute the platter of dough-nuts was borne

in by two cooks. One, they said was Mrs. Victoria, and the other was

Mr. Napoleon, curious acquaintances, who lugged and tugged, and puffed

and blowed; and the piping hot doughnuts nuts gave out their

glows. Then the players all seemed to quicken up, as if they had

sooner be eating than thinking.

"'Strange things will come to pass at times, and nothing stranger has

come to pass than that John Bull and Johnny Crappo have gone into the

brotherly-love business, by which they hope to bring about one grand

object,' I said. 'Neither had I any objection to Spain joining,

provided she kept Cuba all right. But, Cuba being so near Uncle Sam's

fingers, nothing more than the common course of events was needed to

let it slide so naturally into his modest hands.' Smooth told the old

gentlemen that the very best way to hasten Uncle Sam's getting Cuba

was to point out a process by which he could keep his hand out of his

pockets. 'We, Mr. Smooth, do not question your correctness on the

point, so far at it refers to this Cuba business, and the tripartite

treaty which we would you had signed merely that your fingers were

kept off the property; but you have misconstrued our amiable

motives--we only wanted to form a trio, honorable in combination--that

is, we would it were mutually understood that you do not annex Cuba,

and we will not!' said my Lord Littlejohn, who spoke quite as spunky,

though with less assurance on geography, than he did to the very

amiable Mr. Everett. Smooth understood the P's and Q's of the thing,

without examining further into the portfolio. It was Johnny Bull

saying to Johnny Crappo--'them Yankees 'll get Cuba!--in spite of all

we can do.' Of course something must be said in return; so Crappo puts

in his say:--'Can't you suggest some way to stop it, Uncle John?' he

inquires, with a quizzical shrug, adding--_mon dieu!_ 'But, by gar, we

may do him somefin yet, by gar!'

"To make rogue one honest man is one clever thing; Mr. Jonathan

mistake himself in tinking himself great, when he not so great. Now,

dem Yankee one grand 'cute fellow; you no catch him wid de, bird

chaff,' he is supposed to conclude. Smooth very amiably suggested that

it were better to let Cuba be Cuba, until the time came when, if she

felt like snugly brooding under Uncle Sam's wings, without any

assistance would he attend to the little matter of offering her a

roost. Uncle Sam was growing, but had grave ideas, with which he

generally maintained his own dignity. They here reckoned Mr. Smooth

had delivered his speech with becoming dignity. Of this fact I was

fully sure, for my Lord Littlejohn put his finger into his mouth and

began to suck it, as is common with him in these his days of

tribulation. 'Let us quit the Ottomans and go into the eatables: the

one is so dry nothing is to be made at it, while at the other

everything is to be made, for there is something to eat,' rejoined

John. They carried the suggestion by acclamation. Just then,

whang!--bang!--whiz! somebody thundered at the door, when, alarmed,

they all cried out--'whose there?' In answer to this the man with the

long rod cried out at the very top of his voice--'Stop the game!' The

old fellows began to stow away their gambling tools, look innocently

and vacantly at one another, as if a crisis was upon them they could

not understand. 'It's only us outsiders,' a voice replied, in most

harmless accents.

"'There! I told you we'd make a mess of it,--that the outsiders would

break in upon us' said Littlejohn, with a savage grimace, directing

himself to Dablerdeen, who it was now thought better to call

Grandmamma Fudge. The gentlemen outsiders were the honor-saving

committee from Finsbury, the members of which declared themselves

large stakeholders in the game at the Treasury. Grandmamma Fudge

thought it best to tell them, merely in a bluff sort of way, that

England's honor was safe in his keeping--that they must not be scared

about it; not however, until they found him pedling pills and other

quack medicines with the object of inducing Austria to be more

explicit. 'But, my old closeters, in we must come! Fearing you have got

the gout in the head, we are here to make an examination; things done

in secret have a dark look about them; and we, being the honor-saving

committee, have come to make a single suggestion, which is that my

lord of foreign affair memory is found wanting in firmness, and gets

very crooked when he is not kept straight, which is most unfortunate

in a diplomatist who smokes bad cigars all the day long. This said, it

must be remembered that old Finsbury feels sensitive of her rights and

liberties; closely allied to which is the honor of Old England. And

Christmas being near at hand, if the old Bear eat up all the Turkey,

Finsbury cannot keep it; and we have been honied down in a

good-natured sort of way long enough.' Poor old Grandmamma Fudge

looked dumbfounded, like at times we see a disconsolate individual,

who nipped in a hail-storm, mourns the loss of his umbrella. Like

death, it was necessary to keep close, tell the honor-saving committee

to maintain their usual spirits, and call again, when in respect to

their ancient character, they would get a listening for their

grievances. With this valuable solace, condescendingly bestowed by the

ancient gentlemen aforesaid did the committee go away happy, promise

to be very good, and keep Finsbury before the world.

"The gentlemen having been respectfully bowed out of Downing street, a

loud call was made to commence again at the dough-nuts. 'I say, bring

'em on,' rejoined I; Smooth 'll help (I'd been seated a little back,

watching the while) play at that or any other game, provided there be

a rule of honor and economy to work out.'

"'Be a little more modest, Smooth--if you please!' spoke up my most

intimate friend, Palm, who until then had seemed viewing the whole

conclave with measured contempt. Indeed my friend Palm was a regular

brick in his way, which fact was most happily illustrated in the

manner he now and then threw the hard tokens at the head of his

parliamentary brother Bright. It was as unfortunate as notorious,

however, that in his dealings with the United States, his conduct was

as dishonorable as uncertain. 'Smooth, you are a large youth,' said

he; 'but your reforming principles have too great a resemblance to

innovations to go down without scratching, in this aged atmosphere of

ours! Nor must you be so lavish of your manifest destiny policy; that,

to me, is the medium by which you intend to come on this side of the

big pond and stick your fingers into everybody's mess.'

"I interrupted him just then; and in reply to a question I put, he

acknowledged his conviction to be that we did things well and simply;

but he made one little reservation, and that was that we did not do so

well when we permitted the little State of South Carolina to imprison

Uncle John's nigger sailors. Then he said South Carolina was the

_Empire State of Nigger Slavery;_ and was not aware of his mistake,

until such I happily removed by convincing him that she was the only

Don Quixote of the Union; and as it was necessary for every nation to

have such an inhabitant in its compact, merely for the purpose of

keeping alive the humorous, so Carolina filled the void in America,

where happily her little exploits were viewed as very harmless.

"Well, peace again being preserved, we drew up to have a feast of the

hot dough-nuts, when a terrible thundering came at the great

door. Then the figure standing guard, who resembled a flour-barrel in

frills, announced the reporter of the _Times_; who said he must come

in, for his folks, too, held a large stake in the game. And the

individual did come in; and a right jolly-looking fellow he was, too;

and in contrast with the fudgy old conclave, seemed bright, fresh, and

ready to go ahead; and then he said the _Times_ and the country were

two great institutions. 'You!' he spoke, advancing independently to

the table, and grinning the old fogies almost out of countenance,

'have got to render an account of this game to the country! your just

unequiliberizing everything; and my humble opinion is that you have

got the fear fever in your heads.' The old gentleman took it all in

good part; in fact (the truth must be told at times) they seemed

rather to fear and like the man of the _Times_, who seldom failed in

getting by some mysterious process the secrets of Downing street.

However, as disturbances seldom come separate, no sooner had the man

of the _Times_ been smoothed nicely down with Downing street

soft-soap, of which a never-failing supply was always at hand, than a

most furious hue and cry again echoed through the old walls from

another part of the house. Alarm and anxiety darted into the face of

everyone present; all eyes stared in death-like gaze in the direction

from whence it came. Smooth being in for a share of the alarm as well

as the fun, looked along with the rest, when, lo! high on a seat in

the corner, sat _Mr. Punch_, his comical face glowing through a sort

of knot-hole and Toby perched on his right shoulder, growling and

looking as if he wanted to bite every old fudge in the conclave.

_Punch_, to outsecret the players, was, in a very clever sort of way,

taking private notes, the subject matter of which he intended giving

to his readers in a very condensed and elegant volume. This started

the players to their feet, when each seized a book, and, letting fly

at _Punch's_ head, drove him scampering out of Downing street.

"Having got rid of _Mr. Punch_, and bowed the man of the _Times_

politely out, Grandmama Fudge, in a strong Scotch brogue, said, 'Nu,

luds, let us gang awa to the crumpets--bring 'um hither, mya bullies!'

He drew a sort of simple contortion over his broad, hard face, and

mouthed his lips, as if he would the amplest dough-nut be put on his

plate. Palm, just as they were resuming their seats, insinuated that

as the venerable old man was well gone in his dotage, he had better

measure his diet somewhat after the judicious character of his

diplomacy, which was celebrated for its small doses crookedly doled

out. The dish was again removed, mouths began to water, eager eyes

glanced upon the steaming viands, giving out their strong glows and

unsavory smells. This incited dither strong, on calling the two cooks

its, after many and tedious interrogatories, confessed, in fear and

trembling, that Grandmama Fudge had strictly ordered them fried in

grease of the Russian Bear, an animal for which he entertained a

curious sympathy. And here it was observed, with no very commendable

emphasis, that the precious old dote had a particular partiality for

Bruin's dominions, nor could be driven from the strange hallucination.

Another minute and the poor old man was in the most alarming state of

mind that could be imagined; the largest dough-nut on the platter had

stuck half-way down his throat. To relieve himself of his

unsuccessful attempt at swallowing things beyond his capacity, he

called lustily for Palm, who, unfortunately, had left in disgust, the

stench of Bear's grease being too strong for his capricious

organs. 'He! he! he! ah mun, I doe believe to heaven it's all up--I

doe!' gurgled the old man, struggling in spasmodic efforts to get the

thing up or down. 'If I die,' he continued, 'with this lump of

indecision in my throat, the consequences will be that no man will

mourn over me.' Littlejohn, always ready to move as occasion required,

sprung to his aid, crying 'Swallow it! swallow it! for the honor of

Young England swallow it! If it comes up you're a dead premier: dead

without a doctor.' The whole thing now became a complex confusion; no

one knew how to unconfuse it. It was a sad mistake having its origin

only in the want of the age's appliances to our day and its

circumstances; he had attempted a nut he had not capacity to

swallow. A dozen voices cried out 'Bring in the doctor.' and as many

more said the case was a desperate one. Some run one way; some run

another; 'and some never moved. Downing street was in tribulation.

Then everybody ran in everybody's way; nobody knew what to do; nor

could anybody find Mr. Chesterfield, the loud shouts for whom seemed

to make him a character of some importance. Mr. Smooth kept very cool

the while, thinking it best to maintain his philosophy up to a

scientific point; and in that way he reckoned it was as well to send

for Doctor _Punch_, who, in such cases was an adept of a practitioner,

and had an extensive infirmary in Fleet street, where patients

innumerable were healed for three-pence. Well, just as they were on

the point of making a rush, a voice cried out--'Here I am! here I am!'

and in another minute there jumped from under the table a

suspicious-looking turkey, who stood upon the platter, clapped his

wings, and sent the dough-nuts into a flutter about the room. 'I'm all

right' he proclaimed, stretching to his extreme height 'let every man

take care of himself.' My reader will scarce question my veracity when

I say the turkey looked with grave disdain upon the unnecessary

confusion, made at this moment by British cabinet cooks, whom it was

gravely intimated, had lessoned of Mr. Pierce's French cook, Monsieur

Souley. Mr. Smooth, about this time, resolved to leave the donkey

diplomatists, and drive his own ugly brutes home.

CHAPTER XVI.

SMOOTH DINES WITH CITIZEN PEABODY.

"Smooth being a great man, as well as Mr. Pierce's minister in

general--and citizen Peabody being no less great in diplomacy, which

he illustrated in the most substantial manner--it became necessary to

make a demonstration: to this end did friend George delegate his

hospitality in an invitation to dine with him at Blackwall. George was

large and loose of figure, possessed a broad, honest face, bright with

kindness, candor, and firmness: added to which a well-developed nose;

a soft, yet watchful eye a mouth indicating gentleness; and a broad,

benevolent chin, finished the make-up of the external man--if we

except a neat pair of brown whiskers, and a head of dark youthful

hair. Citizen George loved dearly his country, and was altogether a

man who meant well, nor ever forgot those of his countrymen who

reflected honor on their country when abroad. He had no genius for

politics, had never aspired to the class _par excellence_; no, he

espoused none of their dogmas; he let littler minds revel in such

luxuries. The means by which little demagogues find themselves great

politicians could reflect no fame to George: he served his country

with less noise and more effect. If he was quiet and unassuming; if he

loved his country to a fault, that fault was his own, not his

country's. How much more to be praised is he who seeks when in foreign

lands to sustain the simple but grand spirit of our institutions! For

sustaining the simplicity of our institutions is friend George most to

be praised. The object of his labor was the establishment of a simple

but real and effective diplomacy, from which international benefits of

great worth might result. A few here and there had doubted the quality

of his diplomacy; but no one bold enough to question his abilities as

a diplomatist had yet been found. It is not what we are supposed to

do, but what we really do, that ought to entitle us to respect. And

had not citizen George done more to promote a kindly feeling between

the too boastful peoples of England and America than all our well-paid

ministers, their court luxuries, and costly retinues thrown in? That

citizen George would interpose for peace and international harmony, in

the event of an unfortunate misunderstanding between the two

countries, was equally certain; indeed he had more than once had

occasion to view with feelings of commiseration those small jealousies

against which great minds have to contend while seeking to carry out

an enlarged policy. Painful as may be the assertion, it is

nevertheless true, that whenever questions of an intricate nature

arose those whose legitimate business it was to act in the matter were

either moved by the narrowest aspirations of party, or, yielding to

their own more contracted views, were disposed to keep alive

dissensions blighting to their country's best interests.

"Deeper than etiquette and quibble (those much-beloved virtues of the

time-serving and polite corps) had friend George delved into the

recesses of human nature, that he might find a law upon which to build

a comity of enlarged sentiment, having for its end the bringing

together of Americans and Englishmen, cementing the bonds of

commercial intercourse, and pledging the continuance of peace. Those

whom he thus worthily drew together did he enjoin to cease their small

jars and partake of his large jar, which was always plentifully

stored. Be not surprised, then, when Smooth tells all his readers in

general, and General Pierce in particular, that Citizen Peabody has

founded a dinner diplomacy, contrasted with which all other species of

the order are but secondary. This was indeed the means by which he

hoped to, and no doubt would, develop a more fruitful international

policy; for, meats and good drinks being never-failing arguments with

fat Aldermen and Statesmen, who could doubt it? Smooth would here say

to Uncle Sam, that there is no mistake about the effect of this sort

of diplomacy, and begs that he will insinuate to Mr. Pierce the

propriety of his suggesting to Congress through the medium of his next

Annual Message (he will make a hit) the propriety of sending abroad

good cooks instead of bad ministers. They must be well provided with

gold eagles, and give the very best sort of dinners to every hungry

citizen, at Sam's account; the boy will then shine in all his glory!

Never dealing in sarcasms, nor casting reflections of an insinuating

character, yet, Mr. Smooth cannot forbear to say that while the very

polite worship at the shrine of the polished _corps_, stronger-minded

men are always found doing homage to the meats and drinks--more

particularly when they are good! Upon this most modern but very

material principle of natural philosophy (with a great heart, and

intentions to correspond) did our worthy and truly characteristic

countryman pursue to usefulness his diplomacy. That it had excited the

fear of small politicians and antiquated and very polite diplomats,

whose trade it seriously damaged, was well known to Mr. Pierce and the

world in general. Even this species of gentry was at times disposed to

pay it compliment; but it was only on the ground of its relieving them

of that _onerous tax_ of now and then receiving their fellow-citizens

respectably. Smooth is exceedingly delicate about mentioning here the

onerousness of this tax, inasmuch as our parsimonious government has

proved itself obstinately opposed to grant a sum requisite to the

necessary respectability to be maintained at foreign courts.

"Well, the day arrived on which Smooth was to dine with Citizen

George, and not the smallest idea had he of meeting another stray

citizen. Happy in the enjoyment of our own greatness, Smooth expected

to learn something of Uncle George's opinions upon international

questions in general, and to give him in return some account of

General Pierce's crooked notions of a national policy--so crooked,

indeed, that they left him alike the laughing-stock of friends and

foes. This was very easily done, for, being Mr. Pierce's special

minister to everywhere in general, and more particularly to Europe,

where he invested him (Smooth) with power to draw up preliminaries for

the 'Ostend Convention,' as well as to cut a figure on behalf of Young

America, the power thus given made the divulging Mr. Pierce's policy

no breach of confidence. As for Young America, that very unassuming

young gentleman was being gloriously represented by the very famous

house of the three S.'s and Co. (Sickles, Saunders, Souley, Buckhanan

& Co.), the latter very respectable gentleman having been received

into the firm with the specific understanding that he sell out his

large stock of old fogyism, and invest the proceeds in manifest

destiny.

"Nothing is so easily attained as the flattery of small men; and yet

no essence is more delicious to the soul of a sycophant, for it is he

that loves to refresh his recreant spirit with human frailty. Mr.

Pierce's comprehensive and very elastic mind had not yet made a point

of analysing this as properly as it was capable of being.

"Doing himself (Smooth) up in his very best fixings, he chartered a

steamboat--that is, he got aboard a steamboat--and in the company of

our very gallant Secretary of Legation (who has since joined the very

excellent and honorable order of doubtful politicians), paid his

pennies and steamed away for Blackwall. Here he and his friend sought

the Brunswick, a very grand hotel, where now and then the vulgar do

dine, and console their love of fashion with much show of dishes and

very aristocratic prices. And now, to Smooth's utter astonishment, on

being bowed into a gorgeous hall by lackies in ordinary, who stood

like tailored mummies along the halls and passages, he found it taken

possession of by some hundred and fifty of both sexes, gaily attired,

and altogether presenting the brightness of a bridal party. There were

knights and baronets, great and small; some wore an insignia, but

nothing else to distinguish them from the very vulgar. And, too, there

was Sir William Busey, a good diner-out, and always ready to do such

noble deeds. All stiff and staid, sallied up and down Sir James Muke,

affecting to feel much annoyed because vulgar citizens would not

regard him in the same distinguished light in which he contemplated

himself. Indeed, were Sir James's manners taken in evidence of his

distinguished position, the verdict could not fail to be in favor of

his only being set down a very distinguished bore. However, on the

principle of forgiveness being sweet, did Smooth forgive Sir James,

and charge his manners to defect of early bringing up.

"And, too, there was, all reserve, smiling and dignified, Sir

Memberman Plenat, who wore no toy of rank, that article being largely

developed in his manly bearing. There were also, be it known, other

barons and baronets, some of whom were equally imbued with their own

importance, others quite modest and gentlemanly in their demeanor.

But, to make the greatness of the occasion complete, there was the

little Lord Mayor, who, like a mirror reflecting a sun-shower, loomed

forth in all the greatness of his own light. Of ladies there was no

lack. Some were of well established celebrity; others were decked in

costly fabrics to create a celebrity; a third were fair to look

upon. The English ladies seemed round of person, buoyant and joyous of

soul: the American queens of beauty (their faces sparkling of love and

gentleness) moved to and fro, like sylphs of some fairy land, making

splendid the scene. The dashing New Yorker, her smiles, unerring

arrows, piercing whither she shot them; the vivacious and intelligent

daughter of Massachusetts, all sensitive, modest, and graceful; the

placid _belle_ of Pennsylvania, whose fair complexion drew upon her

all admiration; the bright-eyed Buckeye, with face so oval, than whom

none was more coy, nor ever shot a glance or stole a heart so well;

the rustic daughter of Down East, who affected great contempt for all

superior people, and declared the queen not a whit better than anybody

else; the buxom Green-mountain girl, whose motion was as crude as her

cheeks were rosy; the New Hampshire prude, lisping, regardless of

Murray; the statue-like Baltimorean, with queenly figure and all

lovely face, dazzling in her beauty, like a diamond among stones less

brilliant; the flirting blonde of Washington; the gracious Virginian,

with features so classic and serene; the daisy-like daughter of

Connecticut, ever ready to give out her wild unmeasured laugh--all

were there. And then there came the imperious Carolinian, whose

stately step, Grecian face, dark, languishing eyes, and thoughtful

countenance, drew upon her the admiration of many an envious eye. And,

to make complete the group, there moved haughtily along the proud

Madame of Alabama, affecting the possession of each good and gentle

attribute of womankind. She would have us know how much attention she

drew upon her while being presented to 'England's queen,' forgetting

that it was merely the effect of her badly arranged lace. Indeed, the

conclave mingled most socially. My Lady Flippington seemed not above a

modest and very sensible condescension to the very level of the vulgar

who surrounded her, and whose friendship she seemed to court.

"Citizen Peabody, as much good nature in his broad face as benevolence

in his great heart, moved king among his guests, bestowing a smile

here, and a cheering word there; but more particularly consoling the

old maids, with whom he is a great favorite. No sooner had the genteel

waiter announced the readiness of the festive board, than each gallant

sought him a fair partner, and filed off in procession, those not

fortunate enough to possess such an accompaniment being compelled to

bear up with one of their own harder sex. Smooth was among the most

fortunate, having succeeded in fettering himself to a Kentucky

_belle_. Down a long, circular stairway, the procession proceeded,

inspirited by sweet music, and soon reached a spacious hall, set out

with tables stretching along its whole length, and bedecked with the

choicest viands, delicately overlaid with fresh-plucked flowers,

impregnating the very air with their delicious odors. Indeed they

looked more like beds of bright flowers trellised with silver and

gold. A din of confused voices resounded throughout the hall as all

took seats who could, while not a few added to the confusion by

appropriating to themselves the seats of others. Mr. Smooth, being a

man of the world, and Mr. Pierce's minister extraordinary, took the

best seat he could find, and made himself quite at home. Opposite him

loomed out the hard, knotty face of Sir James Muke, who, suffering

under the most painful grievance of having been deprived of his seat,

so generously provided in a space to the right of the chairman, let

loose some very unfashionable and badly moulded oaths. As if this were

not enough, Sir James, whose temper had fairly boiled over, and to the

great annoyance of less dignified ears than his own, did hurl most

indiscriminately at the heads of astonished waiters several oaths less

vile, but more pointed. 'Soup! soup!' he demanded impatiently, at the

very top of his voice--a voice that sounded like the creaking of a

door troubled with a chronic disease. Albeit there was no measuring

the latitude Sir James would have allowed his feelings to take in

demanding _soup_, and be-d----mn the astonished servants, had not Lady

Constance Caution, who sat all calm at his left, reminded him in

softest accents that 'Citizen Peabody always invoked a blessing before

he gave soup.' Sir James in response kindly thanked my lady for her

timely admonition, listened to the blessing as it fell solemnly upon

his ear, bowed and extended his plate as the spontaneous Amen

concluded the seemingly anxious moment. Calm but well directed was my

lady's rebuke; deeply did it tell upon Sir James, who, more in

imitation of Smooth's coarse manners, behaved henceforth with more

regard to the feelings of those near him.

"It was now time to discuss the well-ordained set-out of viands.

Round after round, the most delicious, came on with that disorder so

characteristic of English servants. It will, Uncle Sam, be scarcely

necessary for Smooth to add that great skill was displayed in safely

depositing the meats and drinks in nature's most appropriate depot.

Most cheerfully was it performed to the accompaniment of music, merry

laughs, and flashes of well-worn wit: the only discord discoverable,

or which could offend delicate ears, being that one or two English

Gentlemen, of very polished manners, obstinately refused to be

contented with the long list of wines provided by the generous host,

and must needs display their cultivated taste by ordering bottles of a

name scarce known, assuring the polite landlord that they themselves

would pay the shot _did Citizen Peabody fail to stand it_. Mr. Smooth

had not the least objection to this delicate proceeding inasmuch as it

illustrated a principle, and contrasted strangely with those much

cultivated manners facetious gentlemen who so often waste ink in

discoursing upon the vulgarities of Americans would have us fashion

from. Wishing, however, these gentlemen may display better manners

next time, we must beg the reader's pardon for thus digressing and

proceed.

"The meats having laid a very decided foundation upon which to build a

tabernacle of joviality, and the nectar adding its exhilarating power

in erecting a substratum for the fine work of the festival, it became

necessary to top off with spicy speeches, which might indeed be

compared to a compound of salt and cream very liberally mixed. From

among his guests and great folks Citizen Peabody now rose, somewhat

nervous, and with becoming dignity delivered himself of a very piquant

speech, the bone and marrow of which was that Americans from home

being moved by those sentiments the appearance of things new and

strange naturally produce, the sequence was that they looked with an

interest divided between reverence and curiosity to see their

Minister; such a gratification he was only too happy in being the

medium of affording. Nor, when he relieved that worthy representative

of a tax his purse could ill bear, did he consider it less than a very

agreeable duty. In reply to Citizen Peabody's toast, 'Peace and

continued friendship between the peoples of England and the United

States,' the guests filled a bumper, and with three hearty cheers let

the liquid run down so smoothly. Sir Arthur Coddlecomb's name being

coupled with the toast, and that compound of self-importance and bad

grammar esteeming himself a great speaker, rose, and relieved himself

of what is commonly called a very neat and appropriate speech. To

Smooth his mind seemed on a wandering expedition; notwithstanding, he

took occasion to refer to that approaching curse--an Eastern war, and

also to divest himself of some very fine words, highly complimentary

of America. Marked applause followed the speech, and Sir Arthur sat

down bowing.

"'The present Lord Mayor!' being drawn into the order of toasts, the

individual filling that office, a firmly compacted figure, with

well-rounded limbs, and a broad, pleasing face, set off by the

addition of a well-lined nose, full intelligent eyes, a brow nicely

arched, and organically well-developed, and surmounted with a

superstructure of dark, glossy hair, tinged with grey, rose to reply.

My lord, in addition to being rather shortish, possessed a countenance

indicative of amiability rather than strength of mind or force of

character. 'Silence!' echoed and reechoed through the hall, and for a

few seconds all was still. Then the badge-bedecked figure, with

dignity all sublime, rose to the order. His dark eyes wandered to to

the right and left, then over the banqueting scene, and again toward

the ladies. Smooth would here say, by way of interrupting his

lordship, and for the better information of his readers, that Sir

James, becoming somewhat civilized--perhaps he should say tamed,--and

made conscious that he confronted Mr. Pierce's special minister,

pledged him in numerous glasses, and being now somewhat mellow, cooled

away into an all-refreshing nap, during the enjoyment of which he,

with unpolished bows, made known his approbation of each happy

sentiment contained in the speeches.

"His lordship (the reader must now return) here commenced drawing from

the cavities of his deep mind all the nice sayings of which his speech

was so beautifully made up. Again he paused, made several gestures

with his right hand, declared war upon all obstructing coughs,

elongated his importance as never did peacock on a shingle, and

proceeded: 'My lords and gentlemen!' Loud and good-natured laughing

brought his lordship suddenly to a stop. 'My lord is not in the--',

whispered Sir Matthew Moore, who sat all facetious at his lordship's

right. Sir Matthew, significantly touching his lordship's elbow, while

casting a sly wink across the table, enjoined;--'Fellow citizens and

ladies, your lordship!' His lordship's face dispensed a few gorgeous

blushes as he hesitated, and with an angular motion of the head, he

convicted another cough, and made the very best kind of a bow

acknowledging the default. 'Ladies, gentlemen, fellow-citizens!'

continued his lordship, not having altogether gained the firm footing

of his equilibrium--which, however, was much relieved by sundry

well-modulated _bravos_ from the assembly--'I 'ave the 'onor' (his

lordship must be pardoned for his onslaught upon the h's) 'in

happearing before this respectable body of Hamerican gentlemen hand

ladies!--ladies hand gentlemen! (his lordship suddenly corrected

himself), let it not be thought that I ham bestowing flattery when I

say I esteem it an 'onor which I cannot too highly characterize, and

for which I am so deeply indebted to my friend who 'as so long and

nobly contributed to the durability of friendly intercourse between

the two greatest and most enlightened peoples on earth--the man whom I

am compelled to view as the greatest living diplomatist of _the

hage!_' Here the company, with one accord, made a bow, while Sir

Matthew interrupted his lordship by whispering, 'Nicholas of All the

Russias excepted!' His lordship, with a peremptory glance at Sir

Matthew, the meaning of which it was not easy to mistake, continued,

somewhat testily:--'I will make no single exception for any such

renegade!' Turning to the chairman, he reminded minded him of Sir

Matthew's rejoinder, which he assured him he could not consider,

unless indeed he sacrificed the high functions of that great office to

which the voice of a people true to their traditions, and Providence,

had so significantly called him at this all momentous moment--the

breaking out of an Eastern war! 'No less surprized than hoverjoyed am

I to meet so _respectable looking_ an assemblage of citizens of that

great country in the West, which we naturally view as the exponent of

true independence, as well as our great hoffspring. Would _hi_, as

the great representative of this city, be saying too much while

asserting that in my 'umble opinion no one part of this expansive

hearth (great applause) could send forth so respectable and orderly an

assemblage of persons.' The ladies here shouted, and waved their

handkerchiefs. Having received this distinguished compliment with due

dignity, he commenced drawing aside the curtain that we might know

more of his early history, which he felt assured in his own mind could

not fail to hinterest the citizens of the United States in general,

seeing that he belonged not to the 'haristocracy.' (This was received

with a perfect explosion of applause.) In the days of his youth, when

geographies were made without reference to correctness, and the study

of globes was considered equal to the minds of those only who were

learned enough to raise the devil, had he been taught from one of

those imperfect pasteboards that Hamerica was an immense expanse of

forests, inhabited by wild Hindians and curiously formed

barbarians. And the impression thus made, he assured Mr. Smooth in

particular, had so enrooted itself in his mind that he ever and anon

found himself most mysteriously contemplating the want of a state of

civilization in that great and glorious country. (Deafening

applause). Here his lordship's animation was at the highest pressure;

indeed so high was it, that a very respectable gentleman, sitting not

far from Smooth, bowed, and suggested that the little Lord Mayor must

have mistaken the present company for his dining senate. 'Now,'

continued his worship, emphatically, 'nothing could more happily 'ave

affected a change in my mind, than the beholding with my own eyes the

lovely fair ones and respectable persons here present. To that great

country, Hamerica, shall I hereafter look for the noblest results to

civilization and mankind. (Cheers). It is now nearly two 'undred years

since the foundation stone of that great republic was laid by the

immortal Washington.' His lordship's speech was again interrupted by a

demonstration of surprise on the part of the audience. He paused a

moment, as if questioning the cause. Sir Mathew's aid was again called

into service; reminding his lordship that his history was at fault, he

added, in a tone most prudent, 'Not yet one hundred, my lord; 1776

marks the date of the declaration of independence.' Thanking Sir

Mathew for the kindly hint, he apologized to his hearers, and

proceeded. 'One hundred years, then have hardly rolled around, and we

find that wonderful country presided over by a commoner--the choice of

a free people, who raise him to that proud eminence once every eight

years--vieing (here Sir Mathew again interrupted by saying, 'Every

four years, my lord!') with the oldest and most powerful nations of

Europe. Thanks, Sir Mathew,' interpolated his lordship, rather tartly,

turning round. His Honor now proceeded for some time on a rather

smooth course, except that he left out a great many h's and put in a

great many a's. The great minds of America, he said, had done a world

for her greatness. Here he condescended to pay what he was pleased to

consider a very deserved compliment to General Flum of New York, whose

broad and deeply wrinkled face he espied at the extreme end of one of

the long tables, where it loomed up like a careworn lantern amidst a

cluster of delicately tinted foliage. America, said his lordship,

sought her great men, not from among the effete walks of the

haristocracy, from the more legitimate hemisphere--the common walks of

life. With a strange elongation of the body did our speaker emphasize

the remark. Great men were the gift of an age, and a nation's fortune;

and with which he was more than happy to say Hamerica had been

blessed--would that his conscience and love of truth would permit him

to say as much of his own country! He saw the personification and

embodiment of America's great minds in the countenance of his much

esteemed friend General Flum, whom his very soul joyed at recognizing

present. (We will here add, by way of parenthesis, that the knowing

ones of New York had a less exalted opinion of Flum's talent, which

had remained hid under a pewter pot, but for General Pierce, who

dragged it to the light of day for the purpose of eventually

harmonizing his cabinet). Fortunate was it for the welfare of a great

country that such men existed; they seemed born to a special purpose,

which to him was a medium of conserving and protecting the great

international well-being of the two peoples. That purpose was the

greatest the world could contemplate in this great age of pounds,

shillings, and pence; and with such a mind as he knew General Flum

possessed, and the stronger arguments with which the generous host had

conciliated all differences international, the two countries were sure

to continue in a bond of friendship. To this distinguished compliment

our general was pleased to make an approving bow. Again, his honor, in

compliment of himself, informed those present that nothing could be

more significant of divine will than that at this momentous crisis,

when a bloody war was on the eve of hurling its vengeance over Europe,

and devastating the nations, he should be called to hadminister those

high functions of a nation the duties of his office involved; and,

too, when an opportunity would be afforded him of exercising those

mental gifts with which God had happily and liberally endowed

him. With the full force of this valuable interposition he had not a

doubt but that the peace and harmony of the world would again be

restored. Nor should her Majesty's ministers ever ask in vain his

advice;[*] and, as to the right of impeaching them, he would

tenaciously reserve that to himself on all occasions. Whenever they

evinced want of hexperience, his knowledge of hintricate questions and

mystifying diplomacy should always be at their disposal. A single

flourish more, his face glowing earnest, and the little great man

proposed (having reiterated that great men were the gift of an age!)

'The great minds of America!' This inspiring sentiment he coupled with

the name of General Plum, and sat down amidst a shower of very

good-natured applause.

[Footnote: His Honor recently brought forward in the Board of Aldermen

a resolution having for its object the impeachment of Lord

Aberdeen and his cabinet.]

"This compliment, as the vulgar say, took Plum all aback. He rose in

all the dignity of a Pierce diplomatist; his face brightened,

conscious of merit; his tall loose figure elongated; he mastered

several very ill-positioned coughs, and with glances very

congressional, as if seeking a reportorial eye, spoke as modern

politicians mostly do when President-making. But before Smooth

proceeds to transcribe the elements of his speech, some description of

his person may be necessary; in truth, he hears the reader demanding

it. Flum is a long-jointed man, tall and coarse of figure, has a broad

inexpressive face, with a spacious mouth and thin lips, disclosing

irregular and discolored teeth; to which is added a sharp, projecting

chin, prominent cheek bones, lazy grey eyes, deeply sunken under

narrow arches slightly fringed with short, sprouting, reddish hairs,

and a thin high bridged nose, forming a curvature on the ridge, and

twisted to the left at an angle of some twenty-two degrees. This

singular deformity of the nasal organ arose from the fact of its

having been in contact with the hard hand of a pugilistic congressman;

at least so went report. To those exhibiting nice taste for the

appearance of our political gentry, we would say that the general, not

at all like Smooth, added to the beauty of his _personel_ a low,

reclining forehead, superstructed with bright crispy hair, that stood

confused all over his head, and gave him the appearance of having been

chased by some infuriated bull. Of the general's general estimation of

his own capacity, Smooth is sure the reader will not impose a penalty

so far beyond his humble capacity as that of finding within this

narrow world of ordinary presumption anything with which to compare it

successfully. Having had many misfortunes in his upward career of

political life, which was singularly marked with disappointments,

notwithstanding he had lent forcible aid in making many a President,

he never has permitted the strongest opinion of his own talent to die

out from his mind; and now that that well-cultivated opinion is made

stronger by the all-important verdict of his eloquent worship, how can

he resist the real proof of his being a much-neglected great man? 'Mr.

Chairman, and fellow citizens!' ejaculated Flum, nervously. 'My

friend, the Lord Mayor, has paid a well and much deserved compliment

to our country, our country's institutions, and our country's great

minds. So, far, ladies and gentlemen, as that compliment applies to

myself, I may or may not have deserved it; delicacy and reserve are

always the noblest attributes of great men. But--and with all due

deference to those accomplished gentlemen of England do I say it--it

is to the democratic character of our institutions that we owe the

usefulness of those great minds, as reflected in our country's

greatness. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the democracy!--'

"Here Flum was interrupted by Sam Spooner from Boston, who sat at his

left, and with a gentle touch on the arm, reminded him in a careless

whisper, that Citizen Peabody, although a very unostentatious man, was

no democrat; nor was it certain the ladies would all be inclined to

father his adoption.

"Flum, somewhat nonplused, allowed a smile of endurance to invade his

broad inexpressive face, and rejoined with what he was pleased to

consider very nice wit. 'If Citizen Peabody,' said he, 'be not an

independent democrat I am exceedingly sorry for it--nothing more being

required to make him a perfect man!' At this the company set up one of

the very best-natured laughs ever rung out of human organs. Flum, not

comprehending its meaning, continued, ere it had subsided--'I hold

nothing more imperative than that our generous host, Citizen Peabody,

should at once declare his intention of not only becoming a round,

sound democrat, but joining the Young American party; which will in

truth be a more forcible proof of the purely democratic spirit of that

diplomacy he has so worthily founded, and which can now claim so many

happy results as its offspring. No system of diplomacy heretofore

established has been so redolent of influences tending to strengthen

the bonds of international amity; for, indeed, meats and drinks are

all-powerful.' Here some indifference was manifested on the part of

the English aristocracy present, which, causing a momentary suspension

of the speech, produced a very unexpected calm, much to the

astonishment of Flum's own dear self. 'Well, I apprehends the gist

on't--democracy don't go down, no way, this side the big pond. But, if

John is old, and has got his noddle so full of antiquated nonsense

that he can't get an idea into his head suited to the exigencies of

the times, democracy, with its all-elevating power, will stand by him,

give him new sinners to sustain himself, and carry him through those

struggles aristocracy has not nerve to surmount.' (Cheers). Having

literally illustrated every beauty to which democracy was heir, wasted

several well-constructed and not badly directed compliments on General

Pierce's patriotism, called upon those present to come boldly out and

imitate Young America in all his go-ahead proficiencies, Flum turned

to his worship, on which wonderful embodiment of statesmanship and

experience he intended to return the compliments that functionary had

so flatteringly bestowed. As disappointments will occur, even with the

greatest of men, so did Flum find himself totally inadequate to the

discharge of this duty. There was, however, a responsibility resting

upon him, which he must, considering that it touched that which was an

honor to England and the English nation, discharge. It was, that he

had to congratulate old England on the possession of such men as his

Worship--men born to the exigencies of an age, and in whose charge the

distracted affairs of Europe, now threatening the peace of nations,

would be sure to find a satisfactory solution. Here his honor made a

most appropriate bow in acknowledgment, while a few gentlemen, rather

loquaciously disposed, smiled and Miss Mapplebank, from Arkansas,

covered her face with her white handkerchief. It was evident to all

present that the two greatest men of the two greatest countries had

met on a great international platform (the banqueting table), and as

the exchange of verdicts upon the capacity of each other only served

to make stronger the opinion they had always entertained of

themselves, everyone present was ready to throw up his or her hat in

compliment of a discovery which must reflect to the great good of

nations in general. Flum ended his speech, the mediums had met;

international unity was perfect. Mr. Peabody bowed, the great men

signified their acknowledgment, the company rose as the general made

his last flourish and wiped the sweat from his brow, and all adjourned

in the very happiest phase of good humor. Smooth being somewhat

modest, and always bashful when in the presence of ladies, did not

make his speech until they had left. It may be well to say that

Mr. Smooth's speech was gracefully responded to by Citizen Peabody,

who expressed himself delighted, and had no doubt but that in the care

of Mr. Smooth, General Pierce would make an unexceptional President.

After this, gentlemen feeling very jolly, we all adjourned to the

gorgeously furnished hall up stairs, where we joined the ladies,

partook of most delicious coffee, enjoyed many happy salutations and

cordial greetings. The Lord Mayor and Flum having embraced in style

truly Roman, and pledged themselves over a cup of coffee, never to

lose sight of their own greatness, nor to forget the beneficence of

that all-wise Providence that had called them into being to struggle

with the great events of the age, the company dispersed homeward,

delighted to the very heart. If there was one who did not feel a glow

of satisfaction, admonishing him, as he wended his way homeward, to

lend his influence for the maintenance of that mutual good feeling

which should exist between Englishmen and Americans--between nations

so kindred in spirit, and whose interests radiated from a common

centre, he must have belonged to a class Smooth would not deign to

designate. Citizen George would that England and America shook hands,

remained friends, and left the gunpowder and big-word business

entirely to newspapers and small politicians of the Pierce stamp.

CHAPTER XVII.

SMOOTH LOOKS IN UPON THE MIXED COMMISSION.

"Mr. President Pierce, who was by his friends supposed to be a comical

and very small miniature of General Jackson's political school, and

whose cabinet was of the Bunkum stripe, intimated to Minister Smooth,

in one of the interviews he had with him, which were numerous and very

confidential, that in his tour over Europe it might prove profitable

to the country in general were he to keep a sharp eye on the movements

of a very respectable firm which did business under the name and in

the style of Soule, Saunders, and Co.--funny functionaries, who were

now cutting figure No. 1, and expecting him (the man Pierce) to cut

the smaller figure No. 2. No one personally acquainted with the merits

of the aforesaid gentlemen would be surprised to hear that they had

threatened kingdoms, emperors, and kings, astonished peoples, and

given deluded individuals wonderful opinions of that country which

could send such embodiments of its wisdom and spirits to their

aid. Indeed, Smooth found himself, while in Europe, made an exception

to the generality of Mr. Pierce's diplomatists, whom, it was generally

admitted, had either shown spunk or turned gentlemen fighters to no

account. It mattered not how much these strange sprigs of capricious

Young America misrepresented American manners, education, and

sentiments; no, to revolutionary spirits of the _real-red order_ were

they the all-great of America's bone and soul. But let us not arouse

the gods by recounting their many follies; the generous soul of

America has indeed been compelled by them to father many an

extravagance; and, too, though more modest, had not Mr. Pierce

delegated extensive powers to the Tomkin's family for the very

harmless purpose of transacting over the world such business as old

Sam had several times declared unnecessary, and which was in

opposition to the interests of the nation, the said Sam being expected

to pay all the shot. Pierce said Smooth must keep an eye practically

to windward in reference to the business this species of gentry were

sent to perform. Hence, acting from principle, which was Smooth's

motto, and with a full knowledge that Sam was curiously good-natured,

had broad and ever open pockets to accommodate that worthy

characteristic, which no one thought it any harm to relieve, he gave

his (Smooth's) assurance that the charge of neglect never should be

laid at his door--that he would watch the Tomkinses! To deny the

existence of a singular prompting to kill time over aught that Sam

stood sponsor for, was a very good-natured absurdity; few indeed could

be found who did not consider him an old foodle, who had fathered more

expensive abortions than any other individual, and was willing to

father more. How, then, could Mr. Pierce help viewing with suspicion

the performances of those tool-grinders he had sent abroad! The amount

of kitchen labor he had himself performed and the number of times he

had laid on the grindstone to the turning of his man Fourney, formed

no excuse; forsooth, it enabled him the more clearly to comprehend the

ins and outs of this wholesale style of coming possum over poor old

Sam, whose credulity was only surpassed by that fatherly old

gentleman, Mr. John Bull, whom millions love to live upon, and spend

their lives in getting out his affections and his purse.

"Now John and Jonathan had for many years amused one another with the

long-drawn music of diplomacy, played on very expensive keys, made

with the express view of settling all ungrateful international

growlings. Diplomacy, nevertheless, found these growlings beyond its

power to reconcile; and now, having worn out its pipe over them, they

were shuffled off upon the genius of a mixed commission, which high

convention was expected to exert common sense and forego etiquette,

and result in a mutual settlement of all outstanding questions since

1812. But, by a mysterious process, which never fails of effect in

such cases, a deal of time had been unprofitably consumed by this

supposed immaculate commission. And now the high contracting parties

sought an extension, that much more might be consumed in the very same

way. Uncle Sam being very good-natured, the request could not be

refused.

"Through the Strand to Wellington street, Mister Smooth wended his

way, and soon found himself between rows of high and stately

buildings, in one of which, all calm and easy, sat the convention.

Entering a narrow arch to the right, he passed down a passage so

intricate and dark that it had the appearance of leading to a cave,

and in a few minutes was confronted by a polite attendant, who ushered

him into the presence of the international dignitaries, then sitting

round a large square table, in the centre of the room, in moody

contemplation. The room was high of ceiling, about twenty-five by

eighteen feet in dimensions, and in appearance very well adapted to

the pursuit of knowledge, for the display of legal ability. Upon the

table, which seemed somewhat infirm, lay in excellent disorder, a few

massive books, two green bags, a jacknife, Murray's Grammar, Walker's

largest Dictionary, four large pipes, an ample supply of fine-cut

tobacco, and sundry very bad writing materials. In one corner of the

room spread out a green screen, behind which was various simple but

very useful ware; this, together with two extra chairs for strangers,

standing at the other corner, constituted the furniture. There was a

strong legal air about the table, notwithstanding its promiscuous

burden. At the head of it sat like Cicero--but he had none of Cicero's

genius in his soul!--a man moody of countenance and portly of person:

he was called the Umpire, and they said he was chosen because of his

birthplace being America. Some had gone so far as to characterize the

choice an evidence that Mr. Bull was inclined to act upon the square,

and permit Cousin Jonathan to have it all his own way,--never for once

keeping in mind that it mattered but little where a man's birthplace

was, if he had long since forgotten the spirit of its institutions.

Indeed, as far as sympathy and manners are concerned, an American may

be more than an Englishman, and _vice versa_. Smooth does not mean to

insinuate that the case is illustrated in the present functionary,

whose face was of that stern cast which at times would lead to believe

it unhappy under the fatigue of a too solid body. To this singularly

stern face was added a nose, facetious gentlemen might be inclined to

call the ripening fruits of good wine, while pervading all was an air

of sordidness curiously at variance with the good parts repute

asserted he possessed. Smooth would have taken him for a man whose

mind was of a mechanical turn; for at times he would become dreamy,

his eyes would close within leaden lids, and his body seem prone to

cool away into sleep's gentlest embrace. Again he would, as if with

much effort, raise those leaden eyelids, draw forth a languid breath,

stretch his arms athwart, and, as if 'twere pain, listen to the legal

logic boring its dryness into his very soul. The tax did indeed seem

beyond his power of endurance.

"Being introduced all round, Smooth commenced the conversation by

saying, in a warm and good-natured sort of way:--'Well, Citizens!--how

do ye make out to get time over the bank? S'pose it's because Uncle

Sam stands at the gangway serving the shot?' They did not seem to

brighten up at this remark. It was evidently viewed as rather out of

place; for the Umpire quickened his nodding, and the other five

functionaries constituting the convention permitted their faces to

yield looks by no means significant of good-nature. Quoth, by the way

of conventionality, were they right glad to see Minister Smooth;

further, they shook him warmly by the hand, and made many inquiries

about Pierce and his policy--a thing he never had, hence the

impossibility of enlightening them. Mr. Pierce had an eye to Cuba, but

no policy whatever with regard to the getting of it: in addition to

this, Pierce himself so far defied analyzation that many grave and

experienced diplomatists had declared the problem beyond their power

to solve.