"My uncle continued: 'While as many as fifty good gossipers predicted

daily the marriage of Bolt to some aristocratic belle, there came

along a lady of the name of Mrs. Bolt. This person, whose name

Mr. Bolt had been extremely careful not to lisp, caused a desperate

sensation among his admirers. My Lady Longblower was seen to cool away

like liquid tallow, while not a few who had been equally fervent just

before, said it was a very impertinent thing in Mr. Bolt. But as that

gentleman took a more philosophical view of the matter he returned the

compliment by introducing his lady to several of those damsels who had

but a few days before themselves hoped to win his heart. Indeed the

arrival of Mrs. Bolt, though it brought things to a more legitimate

platform, did not in the least lessen his material responsibilities.

Mrs. Bolt must have more fashionable apartments; there was that

splendid diamond bracelet at Peppers'? she must have that rich honitan

cape and accompaniments at Stebbin's? drawing-room day was

approaching, and nothing less than one hundred and fifty guineas would

suffice to purchase the dress she would be presented in; Madame

Lacelooper, milliner and dressmaker to the Court, urged the necessity

of her orders being in at an early day; and she must have that set of

furs at Orchard's, and Mr. Bolt must give a brilliant introduction

party. Many as were the poor fellow's previous wants Mrs. Bolt's

arrival seemed to increase them four-fold. Nor would it have done for

him to have intimated a necessity for retrenchment, inasmuch as she

was equally determined to keep up the dignity of the establishment,

and would not hear a word about limitation in anything. The poor

fellow now began to think a time was coming when his diplomacy would

be put to the test. He, too, had an eye to a little popularity at

home, liked to be thought well of by his fellow-citizens, who, when

abroad invariably want to see all the sights and dine with their

Minister, and to that end gave them dinners and sundry other little

things. Everything except his salary Bolt found enlarged, and as his

time had been principally taken up with the issuing of orders, so was

it thereafter to be arranging certain payments. Isaacs, the Hebrew

gentleman who took corners of advance checks for the convenience of

his very aristocratic friends was seen frequently about the premises,

looking very serious. Six months passed and circumstances were changed

with Bolt. The Countess Longblower no longer permitted him to sit at

her side and play with the poodle; his fair admirers had lost all

their compliments; and it became absolutely necessary that Mrs. Bolt

return to the more humble precincts of her home on the other side of

the water. When Peppers called for that trifle of ninety-seven

guineas--pay for that necklace that shone so about Mrs. Bolt's neck

when at Court--it was curious to see how the genius of Mr. Bolt would

come out; and how in conjunction with Thomas' sagacity quite a comedy

of sharps would be played. Thomas tended door, was rather sleepy of

countenance, but could assume an air of great consequence, and would

receive his importuning visitor with unexceptional bows. 'Peppers I

think you said?' Thomas would politely inquire, smoothing his chin

reflectively, giving his ear a knowing cant, and concluding by

whisking his fingers through his powdered hair. 'Mr. Peppers presents

a little affair this morning;' he would announce blandly, having left

the gentleman standing in the hall. Mr. Bolt, who occupied a sumptuous

arm-chair in the parlor, and generally sat reading leisurely the

Morning Post, would receive this announcement with some change of

countenance. 'Peppers! Peppers!' he would reiterate, Thomas watching

his every movement. 'Blast the fellow--he's a perfect torment'--Thomas

would interrupt by inquiring if he should bow the individual out.

'Say, Thomas,' he would rejoin, 'that we are engaged to-day studying

treaties and cannot be disturbed--that he must call at a future day.'

Mr. Bolt would with great complacency, turn to a more comfortable

position in his great chair. Thomas always executed his mission with

great skill, informing the unfortunate individual that a little

misunderstanding having broken out between the two nations, the

Legation was extremely busy in the study of treaties, and could not be

disturbed. Having digested this piece of information rather doggedly,

Mr. Thomas would politely bow the gentleman into the street, watching

his departure through the side lights. Another time, when Broadwood

called for that trifle, having a deal of ready money to make up, it

was despatch day; and upon the same principle despatch day came so

often that people began to think the Great Republic engaged in one

eternal controversy with the nations of Europe. Bolt never could be

seen on despatch days. The man with the bill for the tin-teapot was

alike unsuccessful; the gentlemen up-stairs walled themselves up in

despatch days, while Thomas politely bowed out all-importuners. They

were a scurvy lot, and might have known better! Mr. Bolt thought, as

he contemplated the sacred character of the mission. I well remember

how I laughed once, when Madame Lacelooper's man of business drove

Mr. Secretary Bolt, as I thought, into close quarters. Thomas, in

order to somewhat diversify his apologies, had three different times

satisfied this person by informing him that the gentlemen of the

Legation were in consultation with the Prime Minister; but this time

he was determined to see for himself, and regardless of Thomas'

assurance pushed his way into the presence of Mr. Bolt, who I need

scarcely add was extremely put out. 'I ask your honor's pardon' spoke

the man; 'you always come,' petulantly interrupted our hero, 'when we

are in a uproar.' The man replied with a bow, that it was the first

time he had gained an audience. He came from Madame Lacelooper's, and

would be extremely glad if Mr. Bolt could make it convenient to

discharge that little account, which had stood over for some time. It

was only two hundred and fourteen pounds, he said, in reply to a

question from Mr. Bolt, who encouragingly took the missive from his

hand. 'Thank you--thank you!' the man continued, evidently encouraged

as our hero cast his eye over the long list of items, so neatly

carried out with heavy numbers of pounds, shillings, and

pence. 'Rather heavy;' sighed the astonished Secretary. 'I suppose you

have orders for all these little affairs?' The man replied that he

would have them forthcoming if necessary--that Madame Lacelooper's was

one of the most respectable establishments. With a gracious bow,

reaching his hand for a book which the expectant gentleman mistook for

a bank-book, Mr. Bolt replied that it was on that account he gave it

his patronage. The gentleman thanked him for the honor, and hoped he

would continue his favors. And while this little episode was

performing in the great parlour, Mr. Thomas was exercising his skill

in diplomacy at the door--informing gentlemen that Mr. Bolt was

engaged over important State affairs, and politely bowing them out.'

"'Then Mr. Bolt having worked the gentleman's anxiety up to the

highest pitch, would take up his great gold pen, and on a piece of

whitest paper, figure, and figure, and figure, multiply and subtract,

contort his face and nervously frisk his fingers through his curly

black hair. It was all to no purpose, however he could not twist the

plaguy figures into a favorable balance. In fact the balance, despite

all his diplomacy, would get on the wrong page. At length, having

exhausted patience and found language to adapt himself to

circumstances, with great blandness of manner he would beg the

gentleman, convey his compliments to Madame Lacelooper, and say that

her little matter will be discharged at a future day. His balance, he

was surprised to find, did not enable him to meet it today; and he

further regretted that a very disagreeable affair having sprung up

between the Emperor of the French and his government, requiring for a

few days all the attention of the establishment, deprived him of the

opportunity of repairing to his banker's for the purpose of enlarging

his deposit. Ordering an attendant to bring in the treaties of 1812,

he added how sorry he was to give Madame Lacelooper, for whom he

entertained the highest regard, so much trouble. Legations were

peculiarly situated at times, he said. In reply to an intimation from

the gentleman in waiting, he said, gentlemen of the diplomatic corps

never paid in piecemeal. Here Thomas would put an end to the comedy by

announcing the arrival of the '_Minister for Foreign Affairs_,' and

politely bowing out the retiring gentleman, who, you may well imagine,

maintained a reluctant gravity. There was no end of these little

diplomatic comediettas, while Bolt honored the mission with his

presence, ending in what was long afterwards esteemed a capital joke,

which, though somewhat against my feelings, I will confidentially

relate. Bolt had named a certain day when all his little affairs would

positively be arranged, and this dawned of a calm and sunny autumn

morning, when everything about the Legation seemed to repose in peace

and quietness--when wars and obdurate creditors were forgotten, and we

plumed ourselves on the happy issue of several important international

questions. One very important member of the corps, however, seemed to

have something of great importance evolving in his mind; this was the

sagacious Thomas, who paced the hall with more than ordinary

superciliousness, now and then arranging his livery in the

mirror. About eleven o'clock there came a great gathering of

serious-looking individuals at the hall door; among them the quick eye

of Thomas discovered the following very respectable gentlemen,

viz.:--Broadwood, of the firm of Broadwood & Willow; Dole, the

distinguished wine merchant; Staple, the bootmaker; Madame

Lacelooper's man of business; and Peppers, the jeweller. The opening

of the door was succeeded by a great rush. Having expressed some

surprise at their mistake in calling so early, Thomas received his

visitors with his customary equanimity, and begged to remind them that

three o'clock was the hour appointed for the interview between

themselves and Mr. Bolt. Here he threw a sly wink at Peppers, which

that gentleman rendered into an intimation to remain, while he

politely bowed the remainder out. 'Wonderful assurance, these fellows

have,' said Thomas, turning to Peppers, who began to think he was all

right, 'they won't learn etiquette.' As he concluded he turned to have

a view through the side-light at his friends outside, who hung

contemplatively about the door, then addressing the inside

gentleman--'Peppers, I think you said?' he continued, working his lips

and smoothing his chin with the fingers of his right hand. That

gentleman bowed affirmatively as Thomas advanced a few steps toward

the parlor door, and then hesitated, as if in a deep study. 'Peppers,

Peppers, Peppers!' he accented somewhat curiously, until the creditor

had well nigh lost his patience in suspense. 'I beg your pardon, sir!'

(Thomas faced about with an entirely altered face), but, may I,

ah!--hem,--you see; there is a small affair in the way, Mr. Peppers.

The truth is, Mr. Bolt has ceased his connection with this

establishment.'

"'I must see him, nevertheless,' replied the obdurate creditor,

permitting his suspicions to get the better of his judgment. 'If you

do,' rejoined Thomas, bowing, 'you may have a longer drive than is

agreeable at this season of the year.'

"'You don't mean to tell me that he has left?' demanded Peppers,

stamping his foot, and allowing himself to become generally excited.

'Now, my friend,' Thomas replied in the coolness of his nature, making

a motion to open the street door, 'just take the matter like a

philosopher; don't let such little affairs trouble a man of your

standing. The fact is, between the sundown of one day, and rosy dawn

of another, our gallant Secretary just stepped out--that is, Mr. Bolt

has bolted!' Thomas bowed him politely out, and I leave you to judge

how many indignant threats were thrown out by Peppers, and what

occurred when he related the climax to his fellow-creditors, who

having a suspicion that all was not right, waited his appearance among

them at the corner of an adjacent street, against the lamp-post of

which they entered a protest deep and solemn. My great-uncle having

concluded his story, adjusted his crutch, wiped his weeping eyes,

relieved his hoarseness with a small quantity of temperance bitters,

and limped away.

[Note I.--The chapter is respectfully dedicated to General Pierce.]

[Note II.--The fastidious--I mean those rather inclined to facts, may,

to please their peculiar taste, transfer the scene of Mr. Secretary

Bolt's exploits to Paris; they may also add a date more modern.]

CHAPTER XXII.

HOW SMOOTH GOT HIS MANNERS.

"Readers, and fellow citizens of these United States in general! know

ye, that I, Solomon Smooth, in the first person singular, as Uncle Sam

Houston used to say, being worn out with the fatigues of the

Ostend-Aix-la-Chapelle Congress, crossed the Atlantic in two

steamships--wanted to do both a good turn--got busted up by

neither--and at last found myself calmly luxuriating in the velvet and

damask of the 'White House.' By way of keeping up the spirit of Young

America, I knocked down all the attendants, stalked in like an

independent citizen who felt he was part owner of the establishment,

spread myself upon the softest sofa, and demanded the flunkey, who

stood trembling in the doorway, to bring me a Turkey ottoman, on which

to advantageously take the measure of my extremes. Believe me, Sam, I

went it in the way of comforts. The flunkey shook his head, and kept

up a significant silence. This was rather too much for the patience of

any respectable gentleman; and being aware that the Gineral had not

larned him proper manners, I got up and brought it myself. Nor yet did

it seem just the thing--something was wanting to complete the

free-and-easy, to which end I pulled out a real Havana regalia, and

puffed away so comfortably. Then I ordered the flunkey, whose hair was

seen stiffening on his head with fright, to bring me a spittoon--felt

sorry I neglected to import one from some of our European

Legations!--or I'd hurl the liquid every which way--perhaps storm his

high-colored Persian rugs! I was about to lay off in the very bliss of

comfort, when Pierce, followed by his black pig, came laraping into

the room, looking as amiable and undecided as ever. 'Smooth,' he

exclaimed, greeting me with a heartiness of hand little expected, 'I

am so glad to see you home once more!' Here he suddenly paused, gave

out ominous looks, lowered his voice to a whisper, and continued: 'In

the name of forgiveness, where did you contract such manners?' A

little cold sweat bespread his brow just then. 'Upon the faith of my

high position,' he continued, 'I thought my sending you to Europe

would have proved a polishing machine, and prepared you for shining in

society.'

"'Mr. Smooth,' I modestly returned, 'would prefer the General sat down

and calmly listen to how he came by his pretty manners. Somebody has

said, a man was known by the society he keeps. Be this as it may,

General, I don't come here to cast a single reflection on you; nor

would I proclaim to the fellow citizens of these United States that

you are in any wise accountable for what I am going to say and

disclose.' The General, somewhat struck by my demeanor, took a seat,

nervously, and applied his ear, while I extinguished the cigar, and

commenced summoning my thoughts. 'Having no manners when I left home,

General, I naturally depended for them upon those whom my mission

brought me in contact with. Now, General!--and this I would were held

strictly confidential between ourselves--when I got on the other side

of the water, (here I gave him a touch he understood), being your

Minister in General I naturally fell in and associated with your

Ministers in particular; and such a lot they were! I couldn't trust my

virtue in the company of one of them: albeit, in their company, you

were sure not to get into decent society. Foreign victims of

misgovernment had long viewed America as a land from whence came the

plain unostentatious gentleman of sense. How sad to think that they

had of late been so grievously disappointed! They are only men of

coarse manners, and low of bringing up, assuming the democrat, while

aping the snobism of the aristocrat. General, they are of your own

selecting; and, mark me, I only name it here out of sincere regard for

you, not expecting it to get abroad. In fact, General, the people of

Europe find they have been deluded. They see us affecting contempt for

the very fooleries we seek to imitate; they see these, your chosen,

playing the coarse ruffian to the end. To the foreign mind Americans

are America--to its chosen they look for the embodiment of its

institutions It cannot comprehend that the mongrel-mixture you have

sent abroad constitute the very essence of that ill opinion gained of

us by misrepresentation. This, General, is strictly private--only

intended for your own good. It were folly to look for pretty manners

in me after my connection with your chosen on the continent of Europe!

In London I found things all in a fuddle,--the head of the house

having dwindled into obscurity, while the juniors had been in all

sorts of business but that for which they had been paid and sent to

discharge; indeed, the revolutionary business, into which members of

the house had largely entered, had brought it into all sorts of

difficulties and disgraces. Again it was currently reported that, for

being too deeply engaged in the affairs of others, two of the smaller

functionaries had found themselves locked up in a police-station, and

only unlocked themselves with that protection which the sacred

character of the mission is supposed to grant:--in fact, General, and

I advance the intimation for your own good, the only thing in real

good order was the smoking and spitting department. In Paris the house

was a dead lock, inasmuch as the head couldn't understand a word the

French said, either about himself or his government; while the retinue

were all familiarly known at the cafes. In Madrid, the head of the

house, not having the value of discretion before his eyes, had fuzzled

away all his influence, having fought sundry duels, written himself

down an ass in controversy with editors, and failed in his proposal to

build up a young republic on the ruins of an old and dissolute

monarchy. Forcibly as the truth may depict our singular

misrepresentation abroad, we cannot forbear to say, that, so far did

this very French-American representative carry his fighting

proclivities, that a single instance of their being excelled--our

fighting London Secretary, who had challenged a score of very aged

gentlemen (and had been equally courageous were they double the age!)

without finding a single one to accept--could not be found. At the

Hague, the very respectable Hebrew gentleman, who conducted the

affairs of the house, had opened a barber-shop, where needy gentlemen

could be shaved _ad libitum_--provided always they brought a certain

description of notes, nor were dainty about how much were taken off

the corner. The house at Lisbon, report said, had got into very

orderly disorder, which was not in accordance with the character of

the very respectable Irish gentleman who kept it, and who could absorb

whiskey and tobacco with any other respectable gentleman from

Kilkenny. To the denizens, among whom he had made an extensive

acquaintance, his being an American and speaking such very good Irish

and bad English was a perfect mystery. You may be sure he likes well

his situation, and finds the duties of a Minister Extraordinary much

preferable to leading the retreat of a _pampero_ expedition.' Here the

General significantly opened one eye and shut the other: 'Only telling

you this for your own good' I watched him anxiously as he grasped me

by the hand, and replied: 'Smooth! the boldest stroke in my

administration does not please me so much as sending you Minister in

General to Europe. But can half you say be true?'

"'True?' I rejoined--'too true for delicate ears! General, you may

accept my word when I say it is not so much the public duties as the

private affairs of men you have got to keep a close eye upon; when the

private affairs of public men get astray the public suffers: this is

borne out in the result of your having appointed foreign gentlemen to

misrepresent us abroad. Your house at Turin is fashionable, but sorely

scandalized; the people there love the _fair_, but expect fairer

things of Americans. Your son of Moses, who plays so well his part at

Alexandria, is a bird vain of his feather, and may to-day be seen

carried through the streets in something resembling a clothes-basket,

and to-morrow in the market purchasing Nubian slaves fair to look

upon. These things may be necessary to a very fine gentleman in

Alexandria; but the being who performs them at the expense of his

country well earns the pity of its people. And while I am on this

theme, General, I cannot in justice pass over one whom I say in all

seriousness has, when contrasted with others, won for himself immortal

honors; I mean our worthy representative at St. Petersburg, who

understanding no language but his own, and that very imperfectly, has

the great good sense to say nothing, seclude himself from the society

of the Czar, and seek only the enjoyment of his own melancholy

contemplations. Now General; however much you may esteem the doings of

your chosen, there is in Europe but one opinion of their manners; and

that opinion being, I regret to say, not the very highest, will for

some time to come measure our influence at sundry Courts. I got my

manners, General, by mixing with your chosen!' The General here drew a

long breath, said dinner was almost ready; would I not change the

subject, and talk about the war business, and such things.

CHAPTER XXIII.

MR. SMOOTH PROPOSES TAKING MR. PIERCE'S FIGHTING BY THE JOB.

"Mr. Smooth, a young man of the fast school, has been calculating,

during his tour in Europe, the saving it would be to nations if they

would but let their wars out by the job to some enterprising

fellow-citizen. He reckons, in a funny sort of way, he would then pay

just in accordance to the amount and quality of thrashing it were

necessary to inflict upon the enemy. That it would divest war of its

glories, and ambitious men of their zeal, he never had a doubt. War

taken by the job, at a given sum for thrashing the enemy right

soundly, would resolve itself into a mere trading commodity, fit only

to be dabbled in by shopkeepers and stockbrokers. By this turn in

national affairs, Kings and Czars might curtail their ambition, and

their devoted subjects, being paid to fight by the lump, would hurry

through their contract. General Pierce, too, would find it decidedly

more convenient, inasmuch as it would save his benevolent people the

trouble of inflicting that most unwarrantable rebuke--sending bread to

the hungry people at Greytown he has made homeless with his

bombshells. Smooth leans no disrespect to Mr. President Pierce, who,

since his wondrous victory over the Mosquitoes, has disappointed the

world by demonstrating the singular fact that he has a gunpowder

policy, which he developes when he can find objects sufficiently small

for his purposes. Heretofore, Smooth had got an idea in his head

(crosswise he admits), that if Mr. President Pierce had anything

assimilating to a policy, it must be like his grandmother's hard

cider--the longer it remained exposed the flatter it became. That this

was an egregious mistake, is fully proven to a mistaken world by the

dauntless and immortal Admiral Hollins (he should be promoted to the

rank), who, to give positive evidence of the size of his master's

spirit, just battered down a defenseless town or two. It may turn out

that the bombshelling was only to practice a little in that sort of

gunnery, and that using up the property of American citizens to

illustrate the war principles of Uncle Sam was merely an evidence of

spunk in Mr. Pierce, who expected his people to knock under.

"Smooth has been at the White House, seeing Mr. Pierce, and cautioning

him about the look of things abroad, lest they get kind of snarled up.

"Being a genuine New Englander, with real Puritanic blood in his

composition, Smooth considered himself a good sort of man,--rather a

desirable neighbor, conscientious, extremely disinterested, and always

ready to do a bit of a good turn, never forgetting number one. Smooth

was just going to ask the Gineral if this was not so, when he smiled

so free and easy that it settled the point shorter.

"'Now, Smooth, you've seen a good deal, I reckon, and must be a man of

profound opinions: tell us, are we going to get fuzzled up in the

breakers on the other side of the big pond?' inquired the Gineral,

looking so serious that Smooth made it a point to get his ideas

squared up.

"'Somethin for us citizens to have a go-in-at, you means, I s'pose?'

"'Yes!' replied the Gineral.

"Smooth reckoned 'twas best to have an understanding about how much he

was going to get from Uncle Sam's chink-locker for doing the thrashing

for these United States afore he said much about what was going on in

the world. Uncle Sam was a good old soul, and, seeing that he did not

keep the best cash account in the world, Smooth had no objection to

entering into the tin business with him, now that he had a large stock

on hand. Smooth, however, must make one single proviso, and that is,

that he be always permitted to work out the p's and q's of his own

demands.

"'Ah!' replied the Gineral, good-naturedly; 'Smooth, you're a sharp

fellow, with gumption enough to see through a thing or two; but

remember, if we contract for the licking, with some enterprising

individual, we must pay by measurement. There's the democracy to

please, the country to satisfy, Young America to provide with clean

shirts! I thought my gallant fellow Hollins would have done that when

I sent him to _let strip_ at the Greytowners; but, as the result was

different, a body can't always tell how such things 'll turn, I now

think of letting him out to the Emperor of Russia, who having granted

him means of developing his fighting capacity, by investing him with

full power to thrash the allied fleets of England and France, would

not hesitate to pay a large amount of revenue into the treasury of

these United States for his daring services. But you see, Smooth, my

government is merely an experiment, which may or may not please, and

in this sense your experience will be extremely valuable.'

"Smooth saw Mr. President Pierce wanted experience; but, at the same

time, he was fearful the General would get the points, and out-general

him. However, as it was always better to have confidence in each other

when pursuing a political question, and knowing the General to be a

sort of clever fellow, ready to do almost anything, he entered upon

the decyphering. There was the S.S.S. (Sickles, Souley, and Saunders)

Company, doing a slap-up business in Europe! He must have them thrown

in. While the head of the firm was generously lending a hand to turn

mother monarchy out of doors, and the in-door partner was making sad

use of the stock in trade (which consisted of a very large supply of

letter-writing material, only to be used for disseminating republican

principles), the junior of the house, taking advantage of the

opportune moment, thought it quite in keeping with the spirit of the

times to make a spec on his own account; and to that end the said

junior partner (not the least sagacious of the three), with a bill of

sale of Cuba in his pocket, had just stepped over to Washington to

consummate the purchase, and revel awhile in the damask of the White

House. Borland, finding no more congressional faces to smash in

Washington--from which city it was considered General Pierce had

removed an intolerable perplexity by sending him to foreign parts--had

been recompensed by the smashing of his own, in Central America, where

he had raised a tolerable sort of a breeze. He, too, must be thrown

in. Seymour, the blue-stocking governor, of whom so much was expected,

and whose mission to the god of all the Rushas, American statesmen

looked upon with great anxiety, it was currently reported had burrowed

in a snow-bank somewhere in the interior of the amiable Czar's vast

dominions, not one word having been heard of him for the last nine

months. That he had not lent material aid to the fighting Cossack, was

a source of grievous dissatisfaction to Young America.

"Smooth spread all these things out before the Gineral, just as clear

as water. To get Cuba--which was not just ready to hook on--and

St. Domingo, that it would take some nice diplomacy to make consider

the annexation question, and a few slices more of Mexico, ready to

make fast any moment; the Sandwich Islands, yearning to get in;

Central America, hardly worth taking in, but nevertheless acceptable,

on the ground of carrying out the universal plan, and Canada only

requiring a little more coaxing, Smooth thought the cost could be

reckoned down to a close figure. But there was Uncle Johnny, and his

newly-coined friend Louis Napoleon, to be kept shy while all this was

going on; and just there the plague and expense of the thing hung.

However, Smooth scratched his head, and made up his mind to enter into

a bargain to do the licking at a fair showing, cash down. As to the

brush between Nicholas and his neighbor--unhappy wretches; one always

wanting to steal the bits of stray territory--Smooth found it painful

to keep his fingers out; but there was this to be taken into

consideration: the getting his fingers in might be the getting out of

his commerce, which said commerce was the model machine of the Model

Republic's power.

"Mr. President Pierce fully believed that Nicholas of all the Rushas

had got his eye set to the East, notwithstanding he had quite enough

to do in the West; and, though he declared himself moved only by

christian visions, it seemed curious enough that he had not the

slightest objection to raising most un-christian wars. Nicholas was

shrewder than a Connecticut tin pedlar, and more ambitious than a

South Carolina politician, who, ever and anon, is ready to war with

the Britishers, because the _fools_ obstinately refused to admire

slavery. Nicholas had got himself into an interminable fix. Mr.

Pierce, merely to please the youthful democracy, would like to lend

Nick a hand to unfix himself, but the hitherto dormant power of the

nation quickens to action, and says, 'It won't do, Mr. General

Pierce!' Forced to submit, the General consoles himself with the fact

that his friend Nicholas will draw himself into his invulnerable

shell, sing the Te Deums, and trust the fate of war, for a dozen years

or so, to the All-wise Father.

"'Now, Gineral,' said Smooth, addressing himself to Mr. President

Pierce, 'the items are all down!--there will be warm work, depend upon

it!--and seeing how Uncle Sam'll have to scratch in somewhere (just to

make a point or two), Cousin Caleb and me will take the job of doing

all the necessary fighting on both sides the big pond, and getting all

the stray territory required to complete these United States, for

eighty-six million dollars--two and a half per cent. off for ready

money. Might as well let Smooth have the shiners, seeing how me and

Caleb would give security to do the fighting up brown; and. then

somebody was getting the tin out of Uncle Sam's big bag in a fast kind

of way that nobody could explain. Smooth begged Mr. President Pierce

to give the thing a few turns over in his head, and when the problem

came as clear as daylight, send him his figure by the first post.'

With this, Mr. Smooth retired to the National.

CHAPTER XXIV.

MR. PIERCE SENDS SMOOTH DOWN AMONG THE BRITISHERS.

"Mr. Smooth (I write after the style most in fashion), having been

associated with Mr. Pierce, whose Minister in general he was, as has

been set forth in this history, is come to be regarded as a very

dangerous individual. It is astonishing with what facility we gain bad

repute from association with a certain class of men and things. Our

country is a stalwart oasis, rising in reproachful greatness over the

old and dwindling dependencies around it; but our Pierce government is

a waste in its centre, contaminating and casting the blight of

intrigue upon those connected with it. It builds bulwarks for itself,

and breaks them down with the mere fog of its own breakers. It, like a

dauntless boy, seizes the helm of State, and steering by scheme

instead of compass, runs the ship ashore in unknown seas. As Smooth is

a national Christian, he believes the timbers of the old ship tough

and strong, or they had been bilged ere this. But, while speaking of

contamination in connection with Mr. Pierce, he (Smooth) is forcibly

reminded of the similarity between it and an episode in the life of

his great-grandfather. This venerable ancestor, when fine society was

less tenacious of its associations, entered upon the cultivation of

pumpkins as a business, but in after life, as the novelist has it,

became a railroad president, and as an inseparable result, a great

financier. When in the latter position, being a very sensitive person,

he tried to get rid of the odor of the pumpkin business; but all to no

purpose. Do what he would, go where he would, contribute to what he

would, mix with what society he would, be as generous as he would,

people were heard to whisper 'pumpkins;' and to construe his motives

as prompted by the same spirit which induced him to make a business of

cultivating that vegetable. A similar odor, arising from his

connection with Pierce, Smooth found clinging to his garments. The

world in general viewed him as a dangerous man, for the simple reason

that his master was regarded with the same eye of suspicion. Pierce

was not ignorant of this, and to obviate Smooth's difficulties, said

he would send him Down East, as before related. Being of an undecided

turn, he could not make up his mind about the war business in Europe,

nor could he exactly define where he stood with regard to Central

America. He would like to give me (Smooth) the job to do the fighting

for these United States, for he felt sure I could not fail to make a

grand affair of it. As for Caleb being taken into the contract (he,

the General, shook his head doubtingly), he had some doubt of the

policy; he was fast enough, but there was no knowing which way he

would turn at any moment, nor was he at all times to be trusted. For

the present, Smooth must be contented with a first-class mission to

Down East, where he would settle the fish and other questions

international; at the same time, he might be evolving in his mind the

affair of the war. Did Minister Smooth deem it expedient, he might

without prejudice, taking the Ostend for example, call together on the

Island of St. Paul--or, if preferable, the Isle of Sables--a Congress

of American Ministers, provided, nevertheless, he invite Major Hammet,

of the Pictou Mission, and Governor Darby, of the Isle of Dogs. Pierce

strictly enjoined that no letters be received from Monsieur Souley,

nor his dogmatic Secretary, and that the subjects to be discussed were

the internal affairs of Baffin's Bay, Greenland, the North Pole, the

Labrador Coast, and the straits of Bell Isle--from which the

importation of cod oil had sadly fallen off during our fish

difficulties. Not to weary the reader, Smooth is here happy to relieve

his mind by stating that simple prudence restrained him from calling

together this august Congress; he left it where he found it--in

Mr. Pierce's fruitful head.

"Conscious of the necessity, Smooth bound Mr. Pierce down to detail,

particularly stipulating that he should bear the ultimate

responsibility in the event of failure. Now to the result!

"His opinion of the Novascotians had always been favorable, and when

he left Mr. Pierce it was with a promise that he would do all he could

to enlighten them. But as impressions will change at a nearer view, so

when he got wrong did he regard both the quality and quantity of their

radicalism as injurious to the best interests of the State. There was

in the little green-hilled province an endless amount of political

talking done, with so small an amount of patriotism evinced, that we

were not at a loss for the cause that had kept the State in

obscurity. Then there seemed so much government, that everything was

ungoverned. And he (Smooth) thought there was a want of activity,

physical as well as mental, and a recklessness of getting into debt to

Mr. John Bull, who never could infuse a sufficient sense of honor into

his Colonial subjects to make them pay over, or regard their

obligations. Want of energy and a criminal dependence upon the 'home

Government' for assistance, with which to develop the resources of the

country, resulted in a want of confidence in the State's own means to

better its condition. The Home Government, and an imported Governor,

were blighting to their vital energies. This subject, however, is not

fruitful, hence his reader will please accompany him to a different.

Having left Pierce for a time, Smooth, with that resolution so

characteristic of his countrymen, wherever found, entered into the

codfish business. Transforming himself (after the manner of his uncle

Jeff Davis), into a captain of the fishing schooner Starlight, which

said schooner he ran over the treaty line straight into Fox Island, on

the coast of Cape Breton, where he proposed making the acquaintance of

the inhabitants, and, if possible, a treaty of friendship and

commerce. The waters in and about the port were alive with

mackerel--the finest, plumpest, fattest, and most willing fish ever

seen in any waters. They sported round us, looking clever enough to

make all on board the schooner believe they wanted to come on board.

The crew felt like scraping acquaintance with them, favoring them with

a hook, and the like; but then there interposed that great

bugbear--the treaty line. Hard was it to tell where this line was; it

might, for aught to the contrary, be on the top of a wave, upon which

we might be tossed, much against Smooth's inclination, far into the

unlawful side. Being, however, inside of the line and surrounded by

mackerel, one would have supposed the Nova Scotians had been on the

alert catching them. The case was just the reverse, for not a Nova

Scotiaman was to be seen. To Smooth's mind this was making a law to

protect the lazy, something he never approved of, more especially in

these days of energy and railroads. A determination was come to, after

mature deliberation, that fish there were and fish our boys must have,

so you must lend an ear while Smooth relates the manner in which he

got them. Deacon Hawkins kept an inn for the entertainment of man and

beast. It was not the very best kind of an inn, for it was managed by

the deacon's wife, whose parsimony and love of Friday evening meetings

had lost her nearly all her guests and driven her children barefoot

into the street. On the day following the Starlight's arrival, as luck

would have it, a 'political meeting' was to be holden at the Deacon's,

when a considerable amount of first-rate drinking was sure to come

off. Smooth, being Mr. Pierce's minister in general, was honored with

an invitation which he declined in consideration of his anxiety to be

among the mackerel. Something must indeed be done for the mackerel;

the case was a serious one. Had the Britishers shown a resolution to

be among the fish, Smooth had lent them a hand to secure the whole

shoal, and then brought them back, merely to avoid the penalty of the

British law, and secure the bounty given by ours. Well, the Britishers

were all gone to a political meeting, where a noisy politician of the

name of Joe Howe, and another of the name of Doyle, having come all

the way from Halifax, and brought with them other great men of the

political world of Nova Scotia, would relieve themselves of ponderous

speeches, to hear which all the old men of the parish would take their

promising sons. Smooth never regarded political meetings over highly,

and had more than once thought those so earnest in attending them had

done much better attending their potato fields. With this opinion made

stronger in the present instance, he counselled Mister Splitwater, the

mate, whose logic never was known to be at fault. Splitwater, agreed

that it was expedient to be in pursuit of the fish while the

Britishers were attending their political gatherings and

prayer-meetings. Mackerel were right knowing fish, he said, and could

with good feed be coaxed across the line, and into the waters not held

sacred against American hooks by British law. And to this end a goodly

amount of bait was ground up; and the wind coming in the quarter most

favorable to our movements, canvas was got on the Starlight, and in

charge of Splitwater, who was directed to keep a bright eye on the

warships, she put to sea like a thing of life dancing with snowy wings

over the blue, blue waters. While he was taking care of the fish,

Smooth remained on shore, keeping those who attended the political

meeting all right, and making a speech or two when called upon.

"To hear the eloquent Joe Howe tell the Nova Scotians what they would

be were it not for James Johnson and Toryism was really very

amusing. He forgot to tell them that he had no serious objection to

being made Colonial Secretary seeing that a nice little salary was

attached. When Smooth made his appearance at the political gathering

of course no one thought there was any fish-taking going on. Then he

endeavored to make the credulous citizens feel free and easy,

entertaining them with jokes of a strong kind, and explaining the

crude process of electioneering down in Texas and Arkansas. No sooner

had the politicians got through their speeches than they retired to

what was called an 'open house,' where all good radicals could drink

_ad libitum_ and make merry. Smooth was honored with an invitation to

join in a few joyous glasses, but he rather doubted the policy of

drinking so much election liquor. It might under certain circumstances

serve the ends of politicians, but never the greater interests of a

nation. A drinking man is sure to fool himself in the end, nor can a

man serve the interests of the State who neglects his own. But, be it

here understood Uncle Sam, there is a philosophical way of applying

the practical to make things profitable, which may be carried out with

more facility by making oneself cheerful and courteous with those

among whom we may be cast. This Smooth always aimed to do.

After a while Smooth calculated how he'd got politics enough; an'

knowin' how Splitwater was 'commodatin' the mackerel outside the line,

he steps down to Deacon Sam Moody's prayer meetin', what they holds at

night after the 'lection meetin. Here it was all right; Smooth was

just as much of a Christian as anybody could honestly be, and a longer

face nobody could desire. Smooth, at the Deacon's, was-well known for

his pious principles; but the good folk about there had never seen

Smooth in an anxious way. Well, the deacon congratulated Smooth on his

appearance, his spiritual welfare, his happy prospects of something

beyond this. It would have done you good to see the brothers and

sisters crowd round him, lookin' so excited 'bout the care of

somethin' anybody can take care of without neglectin' business. (We

here give Smooth's language in its crude state). It was amazin' to see

what an amount of pious a fellow could get into his face, and then get

his face into a right focus; but when brother Smalwood invited him to

pray! that was shavin' the thing a little too close--more nor a man

what was thinking about Splitwater and the mackerel could shoulder.

Had not a mite of an objection to 'commodatin' the good folks with

'most anything, or puttin' on the longest and seriousest face out

doors--a face that would beat the Deacon's; but couldn't go t'other

thing. Smooth could rather beat the Deacon on a serious face; but the

old hoss was a regular steamboat when it come to exhortations and such

things. Wouldn't 'a done to have a brush with the Deacon, without

being sure of beating him, for he was mighty egotistical about his

prayers. Well, there was no help for it, we must feel kind and happy

to see so many happy ones around one, who could not? It was strictly

in accordance with Smooth's philosophy to make people as happy as

possible, and so he kept asking anxious questions, gettin'

satisfactory answers,--answers that would be sure to make me all

straight in the pious, with a day or two's consideration.

"In this way the spirits kept up until the pleasant hour of midnight

came; then the Deacon invited me to go home and hang up at his

house. It was just the thing for Smooth, but he had to decline twice

before he got over the polite so to accept: and then he knew Split was

taking the mackerel aboard like sixty. So he went home with the

deacon, turned in for the night, and knew nothing more till daylight.

"Now he must disclose how the Starlight and Split got along, coaxing

the mackerel with fresh bait, just as General Pierce does the Soft

Shells. Split meets the schooner Spunk, Skipper Pluck, afore he begun

to get to the line, outside of which he could fish according to

law. Split and he were old cronies, and they just _heaves to_, and has

a talk about what's best to be done. 'Twarn't long afore they had

negotiated the plan, which, when carried out, they were to divide the

spoils equal. Seeing how the Britishers, every year, pay over a

million pounds sterling for keeping open the fishing question, driving

the fish out of the water with big man-o'-war ships and steamships,

and making a deal of pleasant fun for a great many fine gentlemen who

threaten to swallow a fisherman for taking a fish; and that the United

States pay about one-fifth as much for the privilege of sending some

of their big ships to help the Britishers play the genteel, while

hoping that stupid diplomacy will long continue to give them the same

Opportunity, Split and Pluck reckoned how they'd come a point over the

Britishers.

"The great point was to steer clear of the big British steamer,

Devastation. Pluck said he seed her steamin' away down to the

northward t'other a'ternoon, and so it was agreed that Pluck, with the

Pinkey Spunk, should run down in her track. If he sighted her in the

morning he was just to _play her about_ some, until Split got the

mackerel on board. And so, instead of the Devastation going in search

of him, the Spunk went after her, and, as luck would have it, met her

just inside of the treaty line. The Spunk pretended to be shying--put

on the rags as if he was going to try legs with the Devastation.

Crowdin' steam like all Jehu, down the Devastation came, as if she

were going to smash the Spunk, and blow her to Daniel's dungeon. Bang!

whang! boomed a gun or two, but seem' how ther' warn't no iron fallin'

about, Pluck reckoned he'd keep her to it a time longer, knowin' in

his soul that every mile further he got the Devastation away from the

Starlight, so much the better for Splitwater and the mackerel. It

warn't long, afore whir! ziz! ziz! came somethin' what made a mighty

splashin', and looked savagarous, square across her stern sheets.

Pluck reckoned how the Britisher had got his dander up, and about

cleverest thing would be to round to, seem' how the feller was wastin'

his shot, and sendin' things what might save a body the trouble of

puttin' on a night-cap about bedtime. 'Now,' said Pluck, 'the

Devastation feels kind a out o' sorts, and 'll just knock the Spunk

into an apple dumplin';' but she didn't! Well, the skipper and his

dandy officers came on board, looking all so shined up, and vented

their indignant feelins' by takin' it all out in a shower of cussin'

that would 'a made yer hair stand on end straight. In a few minutes

more, a feller in a monkey jacket, a brass button on his hat, and

otherwise officially costumed, put on the dignity of the quarter-deck,

and out-talked the skipper. 'Now, why the devil didn't you come to

when you saw our signal?' says he, with a face of daggers, and looking

at Pluck as if he was goin' to spring the main-mast with his teeth.

'Hand up yer papers here--quick, bear a hand! Take off yer hatches,

too; you've been fishing inside of the _line_,' he grumbled out, as

quickly as you'd overhaul a chain cable. Pluck bore it like a

philosopher, cool and quietly. 'No we hain't nether, stranger; hain't

hooked a fish for two days. Can't 'commodate us with a sup of fresh

water, can ye? Wanted to get a chance at the shore, but ain't had one

for more nor three weeks; true! by Christopher Columbus,' rejoined

Uncle Pluck, puttin' on the most innocent face ye ever did see.

"'We'll talk about that by-and-by,' says the Britisher. 'If you'd a

cum to, like a man, as you should, and not given us this long chase

after you, you might have had some claim to our generosity. We are

only carrying out Her Majesty's orders for the benefit of the Colonial

fisheries.'

"'Lord love yer soul, stranger! had I but known that, ye wouldn't a

seen this salt-water citizen about these diggings. Pluck had been hum,

helping Cousin Gethro to keep school--would!'

"'Never mind that. We don't want yer Yankee soft sauder! Bear a hand,

get your hatches off, and your papers up!'

"'Ye hain't seen Uncle Caleb's craft--her name's the Winking

Weazel--as ye come from down north, have ye?' inquires Pluck, giving

the mate a side wink.

"'What the devil do I care about yer Winking Weazels? I'm quite

certain you have been fishing inside of the line, or you had obeyed

our summons properly,' he growled out again, like a bear in

trouble. 'Blow my buttons, if I warn't most scared to death when I

seed ye comin'! Couldn't tell what on 'arth ye wanted; and I know'd

that if there war' a chance at all, it was to run. If I'd know'd ye

war' such a clever lookin' fellow, and that ye warn't a going to hurt

a body, I'd come to quicker nor lightenin.' Pluck got all the

philosophy in his natur' up. 'Suppose ye step down into the cabin and

have a leetle of somethin' to take, seem' what a tarnal ugly fog's

comin' up. Tom Blowers 'll get all the things clear, so ye can take a

look round, and be satisfied how we ain't been takin' advantage of the

law, while you and me wets t'other eye with a little what won't taste

bad,' continues Pluck, doing the polite all up. The good natur' of the

chap was a good way down' in him, but talkin' of a little drop just

dropped into the right place, brought it up all over him. 'Well,

seeing it's you, providing it's right good, I don't mind,' he replied,

reflectively. It warmed up the tender spot in his stomach, and, going

down below, he wet t'other eye twice. 'Stonishin' to see how good the

critter got all at once. He was just the best natured Britisher that

ever came along. 'Twas just the medicine to cure his disease.

"'Now! here's the dockerments' (Pluck hands him the papers), 'and ye

can take a squint into the hold. Hain't touched a fish for three

days. Just so, stranger,' rejoined Pluck, tellin' the cook to get the

skipper of the Devastation to be kind enough to lend him a keg of

water.

"'Schooner Spunk, of Barnstable, 84 tons burden, Jacob Pluck, master,

&c., &c. Mighty formidable combination,' ejaculated the Britisher,

lookin' his eyes almost out, and runnin' the forefinger of his right

hand over the Spunk's Certificate. Then turning to Pluck, a sort of

half-way grin of good nature on his countenance, he continued: 'You

Yankees are curious specimens, after all. Pretty generous,

good-natured when it's profitable, hard to understand, and as cute

as--'

"'Don't say the last!' interrupts Pluck. 'Seeing it's you, citizen, we

wont argue that point just now. Satisfied on the dockerments, ain't

ye?'

"'Confound the dockerments! I don't want to bother myself with

them. Mind your eye next time; cover when you see the signal,' says

the Britisher, whom Pluck had got nicely smoothed down.

"'Reckon how there won't be any mistake about it next time. Give us

yer hand, captain.' (Pluck shakes hands with the Britisher). 'They say

the Pinkey, Starlight--you know she's a ripper to fish inside of the

line!--got into a monstrous shoal of fresh mackerel day afore

yesterday, and is now takin' on 'em like sixty, inside of the line,

down _north-east_ of us.'

"'Do you tell me that? That fellow Smooth at it, again, fishing inside

of the line? And inside the point as well, I suppose?' The Britisher

looked surprised, and listened attentively to Pluck as he assumed an

air of innocence.

"'Just so! Smooth is the keenest feller. Don't care a whit about the

line; and the Starlight's so mighty used to fishin' inside, that even

the fish seem to have a likin' for the skipper.'

"'I'll see after that treaty-breaker, I will,' growls the chap,

changing his good natur' into bad again.

"'Down _north-east of us_ ye'll find him, inside the point,' continues

Pluck, looking all over serious.

"'I'll catch the fellow, and right soon, too;' and, being right good

friends, they shook hands, and the Britisher left, quite satisfied.

Just as he, in his boat, was leavin' the Spunk for the Devastation,

Pluck bellowed out, fearin' he'd forget it, 'Keep a straight course,

_north-east_ about two points east! about two points east! and yer

sure to come upon him.' The last thing Pluck saw of the Devastation,

she was heading for _the supposed spot_, steering away, drivin' all

the fish into the middle of the Atlantic, and expecting to find the

Starlight where Pluck said she was.

"No sooner was the Devastation put all right than Pluck hauled his

wind, and next mornin' came up with the Starlight, which had taken

about eighty barrels of fine fat mackerel. The game being nicely

played, the Starlight and the Spunk both run in for a shelter, where

the spoils could be shared according to practical diplomacy--not the

diplomacy that has been twenty years gettin' the question into an

interminable difficulty. This done, Smooth, having helped the folks on

shore with their political meetings, and prayer meetings, and

consultation meetings, stepped on board again, and took command of the

Starlight without any extra trouble. But that was not the end of

it. The looks of such fine fat fish raised a mighty fuss in the town,

everybody forgot the politics and the prayer meetings, and begun to

talk fish. They declared the Yankees had encroached on the Britisher's

rights. Despatches were next day to go to head-quarters, a whole

British fleet was wanted, and must come down and seize Smooth's

Pinkey, the Starlight--fish and all. The whole talk and noise didn't

make much matter to Smooth; he didn't believe in talking--acting was

his motto--go-ahead. 'Blow away, citizens--blow away! A little more

energy is worth the whole. There is fish enough for us all; but

politics and prayer meetings will not catch them.'

CHAPTER XXV.

THE PIOUS SQUIRE.

"The good people of Nova Scotia were, in days gone by, exceedingly

given to Toryism, and, as was then held to be the natural result, very

loyal. To such an extent was this loyalty and love of Toryism--as it

was then called--carried, that a person who consumed 'Yankee goods'

was seriously suspected of some improper design against the State. The

consumption of British manufactures and British-grown produce was, on

the other hand taken as strong testimony of loyalty and confidence in

the wise powers protecting the interests of the State. The very

presence of 'Yankee goods' was ominous of evil; and as it was

desirable the good people should be kept well up to their Toryism,

many were the means resorted to for forcing the exclusive consumption

of British produce. Tea from the United States was prohibited for the

benefit of the East India Company--powder must be British! Tobacco

paid imperial and colonial duties approximating to a prohibition; and

the consumer of the weed was considered quite an extravagant

aristocrat, who either had dealings with smugglers, or was wasting his

fortune in the ways of the devil. In a word, imperial and colonial

duties dried up the energies of the people, and gave new life to a

contraband trade that was fast destroying the best interests of the

State. The result was, that the best smuggler was the most desperate

fellow; but it generally happened that the man who said most against

'Yankee goods' was sure to be deepest implicated in contraband trade.

"To be a scientific smuggler in those days it was necessary to be a

justice of the peace: and if the office were coupled with that of

church warden so much the better. About this time there was, in the

Bay of Fundy, an old coaster of the name of Hornblower, who knew every

creek, cove, inlet and headland, together with all the best points for

smuggling, from the St. Croix River to Windsor Bay on the one side,

and from Windsor Bay to Barrington on the other. Skipper Hornblower,

as he was then called, had the go-ahead in him, and commanded the

schooner Dash, owned by one Squire Burgle, who carried on a strictly

_legitimate_ trade with the Yankees over the _line_, though he always

gave out that he hated them as a people, nor would ever sell a

pennyworth of their notions which he denounced as worthless.

Hornblower was a _brusque_ old salt, but had a right good heart in

him, and, not liking the way trade was restricted by imperial and

colonial exactions, thought it no harm to work to windward of the

collectors now and then, and accommodate his friends in a free-trade

sort of way. Tea, 'in them times,' cost six colonial shillings and a

day's journey per pound, and a gallon of molasses about the same. The

good old women in more remote parts of the province, must have their

tea, and molasses was an indispensable luxury, for they were indeed

poor. But they were compelled to buy of the established merchant, who

was a sort of prince in his way, and dictated his terms to the people,

whom he always kept in poverty while he got rich. Molasses, tea,

tobacco, and rum (New England white-eye, labelled Jamaica!)

constituted his stock in trade. To length of credit he added

corresponding prices, never forgetting to take good security. His

medium price for tick was only forty per cent. addition, which he

considered extremely liberal.

"And thus, through a pettifogging colonial policy, commerce was turned

into the merest peculation by a class of persons who made it their

object to restrict the agriculturist, and hold his interests at their

mercy. The more the farmer raised, the more he found himself subject

to the shopkeeper's narrow restrictions; and thus the interests of a

naturally energetic people were held in check. The Home Government

(God bless it! as the very loyal Provincials used to say when the

Imperial Parliament took their cause under consideration) thought

little about the outside Nova Scotians, except to say, once in a

while, that the territory they inhabited belonged to her Majesty,

which fact the people of the province were forcibly reminded of by the

presence of imported gentlemen, whom it had pleased her Majesty to

place in all responsible offices. In fact, the Home Government,

through its pewter-headed policy, was for ever making laws to suit the

immediate demands of a favored few, who said good things of loyalty

and toryism, and left the rest to chance.

"During this state of affairs, Skipper Hornblower's fame sounded far

and wide, and many were the stories told of his smuggling exploits,

and how Squire Burgle always kept a large stock of British goods on

hand, which he never sold cheaper than any body else, though he got

richer. Hornblower's account of how he and the Squire carried on

business together in the good old times may not be uninteresting,

'Squire Burgle,' said Hornblower, 'was a great man in them days, said

a sight of good things in his prayers every night and morning,

denounced smuggling, and hoped all those fearless men that followed it

would see the error of their way, turn to her Majesty, and make their

loyalty honor the State. Squire used to send me to Boston--(the Dash

was the only craft in the trade then)--with little things to sell, and

a return cargo of flour, gin, tobacco, and such like Yankee notions,

which the Nova Scotians must have, and upon which her Majesty lavished

most ungracious duties, to fetch home. Well, the Squire lived at the

town of Annapolis, twenty miles up a river, where Digby, at its

entrance, was the only port of entry within a hundred miles. Seeing

that I liked to make quick trips, it was not always convenient to stop

at this obdurate port of entry, and so I used to lay the Dash's head

for a piece of dark wood on a point of land outside the entrance

(always being careful to have a clearance in _merchandise_) and run

her close aboard of it. Squire had a cousin living near that bit of

wood, who used to understand the thing, and could sight the Dash's

signal ten miles at sea. Lying off and on until sundown, the Squire's

cousin would hang out a light on a tree; if at the top it was the

signal--'All right;' if half-mast, 'Keep out!' 'There's the light--all

right to-night! the boys used to say, when it gleamed at the tree

top.' Then into the basin and up the river we used to dodge, passing

on the opposite side of the river, and as far from the port of entry

as it was possible to get, and reaching a point on the banks where the

cargo was to be discharged, while the folks on shore were all nicely

sleeping. The Squire, of course, had said his prayers, or, as it

sometimes would happen--though it was always accidental--had gone to

Digby, for the purpose of giving her Majesty's Collector a ride into

the country. The Collector was always an imported gentleman, who

maintained a good deal of imported dignity, which the Nova Scotians

had to 'tip' out of him, ere he became a clever fellow, according to

their notion of such a being. In addition to taking the Collector a

short pleasure trip into the country, the Squire had a nigger fellow,

of the name of Tom, who, as cunning as a fox, could tell the Dash was

coming, by something he always said he saw was in the clouds. Tom

lived on Pin Point, where the Squire had his half-way warehouse,

always full of foreign goods, on which no one could tell how much duty

had been paid. This half-way warehouse, which Tom called his, used to

atone for a monstrous quantity of sins. The Squire, however, declared

he had established it there, in the fulness of his generosity, merely

to accommodate his kind customers, whose means of travelling did not

enable them to reach his trading marts at either extreme. But, when

customers called at Pin-Point to do a little trading with the Squire,

they generally found it closed, and Old Tom offering his very best

apology, by saying it was where master only did his wholesale

business. This was accepted on the ground that the Squire and Tom were

very funny individuals. Well, we would run to the Point at night, and

Tom having everything ready to move at the word, would shoot the

Yankee goods into the warehouse, where, in six hours, they would be

all transferred into real British growth and manufacture. During this

time the Squire was nowhere; but Tom did things as if he knew

how. Indeed no sooner were the goods out than we made the best of our

way down the river again.

"Next morning, the sun about two hours up, you would see the Dash away

down the bay, as calm as moonlight, just sighting Digby.

Squire--totally ignorant of Hornblower's arrival--would be putting on

the longest face in the town of Annapolis, going up and down the

street quite disconsolate, and climbing into the church steeple to see

if he could sight the Dash below. 'Hornblower's gone this time!' he

would say, shaking his head, 'must be lost! must be lost! must be

lost!' And the Squire would tell about his horrid dream, seeing

Hornblower's ghost smuggling a chest of tea (real congou), and the

Collector catching him on the spot. 'Hornblower's tricky--he larnt it

of the Yankees--and I'm always afraid he'll get cotched smuggling

little things for himself. What a blessing it is to have a clear

conscience!' he would say: the last sentence referring to himself.

"But soon the knowing ones got an inkling of the Squire's secrets, and

when he mentioned the Dash in his prayers at morning, and walked the

wharf after breakfast, muttering his misgivings, she was sure to

arrive in the afternoon. There was virtue in the Squire, but the

citizens got the hang of it so well, that whenever I arrived at town

they would say: 'It's only Hornblower's ghost.'

"While the Squire would be doing what he called the straight-forward

up in town, I'd be dropping kedge at Digby, where (the Colonial

Parliament having withdrawn the appropriation for a boarding-boat,

that smugglers might get through their little operations without

trouble) we would send our own boat for the collector. Used to have

everything as bright as a new sixpence, and colors flying, and my own

face squared up to do the honest, when that imported dignitary came on

board, affecting all the importance of a Port-Admiral.

"'Had a good passage, eh, Hornblower?' the prim collector used to ask,

as he mounted the rail.

"'Blowed like cannons, outside, last night! Seeing how we had just

ballast in her, like to tipped her over,' I'd say, bowing, keeping my

hat in my hand, and doing the polite all up.

"'Didn't have a chance to smuggle, according to that, eh?'

"'Yer honor knows Hornblower never does that sort of thing. The

Squire, my owner, is pious, you know,' I'd say, keeping the long face

hard down.

"'Yes, Hornblower, I know your owner to be conscientious and pious;

that is why I always let you off so easy.' And the collector would

look so credulously good-natured that I couldn't help drawing out a

roll of cigars, telling him they were pure Havanas, when presenting

them. It used to do me good to see how it--small as it was--softened

things about his heart. I would immediately follow the cigars with the

papers, taking good care to have merchandise enough in the hold to

correspond with what was set forth on the clearance and manifest. 'Ye

see, sir,' I'd remark, 'I never smuggles, except it is a few cigars

now and then, for my own smoking! Old Jacob Grimes says, when a

government makes laws what people can't live to, you must live round

them; but them ain't my principles.'

"'Thank you, Mr. Hornblower, I am sure you have more regard for your

honor than to smuggle,' he would resume, keeping his eyes fixed upon

me.

"'I am obliged to you for the confidence--the confidence of superiors

in spirit or body; and I hope I may never do anything but what will

merit yours. It has been my motto through life to keep before me the

words of my good old mother. Ah! she was a mother. Fond soul, she used

to say, 'Solomon, my boy, let your dealing with the world be marked by

honesty, and remember that one small error in your life may stain

forever your character. The eyes of an unforgiving world once excited

to suspicion will ever wear the same glasses.'' Having said this,

nothing more was wanted to make complete the Squire's confidence.

Without further detention, he would have the papers made out, and

having received them, we would trim our sheets and sail away up the

river, Old Tom boarding us off Pin Point, and laughing himself almost

out of his black skin--welcoming us after the fashion of friends met

after a long absence. All this time the Squire would be impatiently

waiting on the wharf at the little town of Annapolis--so glad to see

Hornblower! 'No contraband goods on board, eh, Hornblower?' he would

inquire, affecting such an amount of piety that it made me laugh in my

shoes.

"'Not so much as a plug of tobacco!' I would reply, contemplatively,

as the crew commenced putting out the few things we had entered at Her

Majesty's Custom House. We had great regard for Her Majesty; nor have

I the least doubt of the Squire's honesty, which would have been all

right had it not been for the law and parliament. We have only to add

that, having played his part after the manner of a good Christian, he

would seek his way home, there to arrange an evening prayer-meeting.

"But the beauty of the Squire's nature, as illustrated in his pious

hatred of smuggling, or otherwise defrauding Her Majesty, would shine

out bright on the day the Dash left on her return voyage. I was sure

of an invitation to breakfast with him on that morning, and he was

equally sure to paint the purity of his conscience in such glowing

colors that it was difficult for me to maintain a serious face. When

we had eaten bread, and he had offered up his prayer (in which he

always remembered Her Majesty), he would accompany me to the Dash,

when, having got on board, and cast off, he would mount the most

prominent place on the cap-sill, where the citizens assembled could

hear him, and cry out at the top of his voice:--'Hornblower!

good-bye. One word more, Hornblower! Let me entreat you not to smuggle

a pennyworth for anybody.' My reply always was that I would follow his

advice with christian strictness. Then he would modestly finger that

cravat so white, and fix in his face such becoming dignity, that I

thought his green glasses, which I never liked, covered his eyes to

great advantage. 'Remember what I have always endeavored to impress on

your mind,' he would continue; 'honesty is the best policy--it is!'

Just then everybody would look at the Squire, while it was with great

effort I kept from my face a smile. I knew honesty was the best

policy; I knew it was the true policy to all praiseworthy ends; but

how could I help contemplating the necessity of those preaching who

never practised it, seeing that the Squire was not what he seemed, for

he smuggled an hundred barrels of flour for every one he paid duty

upon. I had also seen him pass sentence of imprisonment and fine on

the wretch who smuggled a demijohn of bad spirits, when for him I had

smuggled a thousand.

"Thanks to a more liberal commercial policy, that has precluded the

necessity for such scenes as the Dash stealing her way into a river at

night to land her cargo of contraband goods. Those violations of law,

so prevalent a few years ago, have ceased; and in the improved

condition of the people we see the result of a new and more liberal

policy. But a few years ago, that small craft, the Dash, alone sought

to establish what was considered a doubtful trade with the port of

Boston; now, some forty pursue a profitable traffic with the State of

Massachusetts, which has annually brought to her in British bottoms no

less than 170,000 cords of Nova Scotia grown fire-wood.

CHAPTER XXVI.

SMOOTH ENCOUNTERS A COLONIAL JUSTICE OF STRANGE CHARACTER.

"Nova Scotia being what a South Carolinian would call a hard country

to live in (though the people were proverbially kind, and hospitable,

and loyal, and simple-minded), Smooth, like many other special

ministers, resolved to give up his mission in disgust, and, without

further delay, seek the arms of General Pierce. However, before

quitting the province, he visited the shores of Cape Breton (an island

belonging to Her Most Gracious Majesty), and there met with a

singularly eccentric character of the name of Belhash. This Belhash

added to a figure of great rotundity a square, red face, small hazel

eyes, a heavy, flat nose, a low, reclining forehead, and a head

covered with red, crispy hair, which he took great pains to part in

the centre. The only expression the Squire's face could lay claim to

was that of a pumpkin burned ripe in the sun. When in his favorite

dress of blue-grey homespun, which he judiciously arranged (for

Belhash was a Squire), no greater functionary lived on the island;

that is, in his well-developed opinion of himself! His principal law

business consisted in settling all disputes arising between the people

on shore and the Yankee fishermen who, against the law, infested the

coast, and for whom the Squire had a hatred he always made known in

his decisions. To Belhash the Americans were all of a flock, they

would steal, smuggle, take a Nova Scotiaman's eyeteeth out, and, what

he most hated, concoct some republican plot to overthrow his darling

government. 'Now,' said the Squire to me, one day, 'I have no bad

opinion of you individually, Smooth; for, by the righteous, you're a

sort of clever feller--an exception to Yankees in general--nor do I

think you'll steal!'

"I said, 'No, I didn't think I would!' And he continued: 'You must

see I am something of a man here on these shores; in fact, sir, some

call me very distinguished; but I hardly think I have arrived at that

yet, though the honorable attorney-general of the province, when this

way lectioneerin about a year ago, in referring to my position in

administering the law, said: 'That distinguished gentleman, Squire

Belhash, than whom none is loyaler, or more capable of administering

the law;' he did, sir, I assure you!'

"Of course I bowed to this, and declared the compliment as merited as

handsomely bestowed. And then he continued: 'You see now, sir--and

it's no small compliment to a man in this out of the way part of the

world!--I holds her Majesty's commission to alienate (some call it

demonstrate) the laws of the land.' Here the Squire's face broadened

and got redder, and the flashy handkerchief seemed too small for the

organic conformation of his big blue-veined neck.

"'Now and then, though, I gets a law case so confoundedly

cross-grained, that I'se forced to call in Lawyer Songster (he's a

cute un, ye know), afore I can get the point o'nt halucinated. Then,

Smooth, you see, I isn't one a them kind a folk what run after

bigified gentry; and that's how I'se got where I has! A squire in this

part of the world is somebody, I assure ye, sir. Then, what's more,

I've always bin as loyal as a body could be; but, remember ye, I

warn't on the Tory side, and for the very reason that they never

appreciated native talent and native larnin. Them were the days,' said

the Squire, accompanying the words with a sort of political flourish,

what tried the souls of us county-folk. Tory Johnson, and Radical Joe

Howe, used to come this way lectioneerin, and set the whole country by

the ears; what folk neither of 'em winned over to his party they were

sure to get drunk; and poor folks were so fascinated with politics

there was no getting a stroke of work done for a month after. Joe

Howe, see ye I was a perfect Jones on politics--was what them that

know most about politics called a champion of free suffrage; and, what

was more nor all, worked himself up from the use of a printer's stick

to holding a stick of stronger cast over the whole province, not even

excepting our own country. In fact, he kicked Sir Rupert George out of

the Colonial Office only for himself to be kicked in. Well, Joe said

if I'd put in the strong talk, and lectioneer for him and the

radicals, he'd make me Squire when he got in the _place_--and he kept

his word, you see. Joe once see'd me try a case, and he was so taken

with it, there was no describin' his feelins. I take it you'd think

natur had done her part for me in knowin' so much 'bout law, if ye'd

see me put a case through.'

"The Squire had it all his own way, Smooth not having a chance to put

in a word edgewise. 'But, seem' how you cussed Yankees has upset

everything in trade along the coast, I isn't so rich as I used to be.

There wor a time when my little store was as good a gold mine as you

could turn up in Californey; I could get any kind of a price for

goods; and New England rum, what I liquidated with a sprinklin of

Jamaica, sold as quick as gold-dust at fifteen shillins a gallon.'

"Here, by the way of diversifying the conversation, I inquired if he

remembered the Queen, in the way of _duties paid!_

"The Squire opened his spacious mouth, showed his great shark-like

teeth, threw away his worn quid, gave his eyes a significant roll

sideways, laughed out heartily, and with his left fist added a warning

pinch under my left ribs. 'Don't ask that unanswerable question! The

custom-house was so far off that nobody thought it any harm to

smuggle, just a little! Bless ye! Mr. Smooth, why (here Belhash wiped

his face with a flashy Spitalfields) the Rector used to get all his

tea smuggled; nor a bit of harm did he think it. But, times ain't as

they wos then, nor did folks deal so much in politics and Yankee

notions.' Here the Squire gave his head a significant twist, as his

face glowed as expressive as a fatherly pumpkin of venerable

age. After another dissertation on the mode of administering the laws

of the land, he invited me into his law establishment, which was the

kitchen of a somewhat dilapidated farm-house, of very small

dimensions, clapboarded and shingled after the old style. I (Smooth)

said there could be no objections to this proceeding, and so,

following him very cheerfully into the kitchen, he fussed about for

some time among what seemed the cookery arrangements, and at length

drew from a chest that stood firmly fixed under an old deal table near

a spacious fire-place, in which was a monster back-log, from behind

which the ferret eyes of three mischievous urchins peered curious and

comical, his judicial suit. Again from the chest the Squire drew forth

a large steel chain, and a very mysterious-looking book, and began

decorating himself in the most shocking manner. This done, he repaired

to the door, in all his profuseness, and seated himself on a block of

wood just outside, where as if suddenly becoming conscious of the

absence of something very necessary to his personal appearance, he

doffed his coat, rolled up his shirt-sleeves, and what, readers, do

you suppose he commenced doing?--Getting up the dignity! With nothing

less than a pound of chalk before him, he commenced polishing up a

steel chain that might on an emergency have served to chain up a very

large bull-dog; but the Squire adapted it to the more fashionable use

of adorning himself, and making safe his ponderous pinchbeck

watch. Belhash now puffed, and blowed, and swore, and sweated, and

piled on the chalk, and rubbed and tugged criss-crass his knee, until,

with the motion and fritting, he had well nigh covered his cloth with

the white substance, from the knee downward. Getting it to the dignity

point of brightness he invited me back into his forum, which served

the double purpose of kitchen and law-shop. Here he again smothered

himself in an extra coat of judicial homespun, and solicited my

assistance in securing the bandanna tight about his neck. 'I looks

somethin' of a judge, I take it, now?' he said, waiting my approval of

his personal appearance, as he fingered the broad turn of his

shirt-collar, which seriously threatened his ears and chin. I said I

never saw a judicial gentleman look more upish. In fact, nobody could

deny that in clothes the Squire was all consequence; and when he

loomed into 'Court,' all over the steel chain, believe it, there were

bows and servilities without stint. Taking his seat on a high birch

block, the plank table being set before him, on which to spread his

inseparable law-book, the plaintiffs and defendants assembled, and

took seats on a wooded bench in front. 'All persons whatsoever havin'

any business whatever with this 'ere court--Squire Belhash

sitting--must come for'ard now or never,' cries out at the top of a

deep sonorous voice a little scraggy-looking Scotchman, who, without

coat or vest (his shirt-sleeves rolled up, and the right leg of his

nether garment tucked away beneath a coarse deck-boot), acted the

double part of usher and constable. Again directing a few legal

phrases to the Squire, who bowed acknowledgingly, he turned to those

present--hoped gentlemen would take their hats off, and spit in the

fire-place, seeing how the Court had been newly sanded.

"Having examined a paper, somewhat judicially, the Squire, with an air

of dignified endurance, turning to his usher, said:--'Well, I reckon,

it's best to try the case of Hornblower versus the herrins!' Down he

laid Justice's Guide. It seemed that on the previous night sundry

fishing nets had by some mysterious process been relieved of their

burden. This, one of the Squire's sons charged to the ingenuity, and,

as he set forth without fear or trembling, stealing propensities of

one skipper Hornblower, who at this time sailed a saucy-looking craft

called the 'Virtue of Cape Cod.' This Hornblower was one of the

independent school, cared not seven coppers for anybody, nor had the

most virtuous respect for the nets of his neighbours; he looked the

pink-perfection of a Cape Cod fisherman. The skipper rose before his

accusers; his hard, weather-bleached face looking as if his intention

to throw a harpoon into somebody was the very best in the world. Then

his dark eyes flashed lightning at the Squire, who commanded the

little Scotchman to read the indictment. This suspicious looking

document set forth that one skipper Hornblower, of the schooner

Virtue, had feloniously, and with malice aforethought, extracted from

the nets of one James Belhash, son by lawful wedlock of the presiding

justice, sundry herring, mackerel, and other fish--such as usually

come into such nets, and are found on these Her Majesty's shores. Here

the Squire interrupted by commencing an essay on the enormity of the

crime; and concluded with the following pungent remark:--'Now,

Hornblower, I knows, without ginning a look in the law-book, you're

guilty; there's always stealin done when you're about the shore.

Anyhow! what say ye for yourself? Remember, you're in a Magistrate's

Court--in the presence of a justice of the peace!'

"'So far as that is concerned, I'll knock under, Squire; but I just

wants to see yer prove a thing or two afore ye come possum over this

salt-water citizen!' returns Hornblower, spunkily, pulling from the

pocket of his pea-coat a fascinating wedge of tobacco, which so

tempted the Squire that he could not resist reaching out his hand and

supplying his spacious mouth. As nature, ever erring, should be

generous to nature, so also did I interrupt here by offering to plead

Hornblower's case; to which meritorious object I commenced taking off

my coat.

"'Don't want nobody to soft-soap the case--especially a Yankee--for

there's the law in that ar' book (here the high functionary turned

down the corner of the very page on which it stood forcible to his

mind), and I knows all about it--d----d if I don't!'

"'Swearin' ain't judiciary, Squire!' says I.

"'Tain't none a' your business,' he rejoined, letting his anger get

above his caution. 'Call Jacob--he'll swar t' what he see'd the

skipper do!' Here Jacob, a younger son of the Squire, was called.

Jacob had seen some seventeen summers; and in addition to what larnin'

the Squire had 'gin him,' was well up in the swearing business, for

the furtherance of which his abilities were frequently invoked.

"'There is not a man long shore what don't know and respect Jacob,'

continued the Squire, shutting up his law book, angrily. 'Jacob's a

son a' mine--Jacob 's got larnin, too--Jacob 's bin more nor two years

to Master Jacques's school at the corner; and he has taken Master

Jacques's place many a time when that larned gentleman had taken a

drop too much. Now, Jacob, tell all you know; and let it be just as

straight!'

"'Well, Dad,' ejaculated Jacob, who, one might seriously have

inferred, had been raised on a guano bag, and slipped very

unexpectedly into a suit of linsey-woolsey grey mixed; 'I see'd the

Virtue at anchor right broad off the nets, which the skipper kept a

facksinatin eye on, as he paced up and down the quarter-deck.'

"'The devil you did!' Hornblower cried out, at the top of his deep,

coarse voice, letting fly a stream of juice that e'en most skinned the

Squire's nasal organ.

"'Dan'l!--d----mn it! bring a bucket here for the skipper!'

interrupted the Squire. He hoped Jacob would continue with the

remainder of his evidence. 'And the skipper looked so all-fired strong

at the nets that I couldn't help tellin Uncle Enoch how they'd be

stripped afore morning. Sure enough, just as I said, there warn't a

herrin left in the mornin. Seeing how the game war' going, I went

aboard to take breakfast with the skipper; and there, if his table

warn't spread with the fattest fried fresh herrin--'

"'That's all ye knows, ain't it, Jacob? That's more en enough; my own

mind was made up afore I read the law, and heard the testimony,'

rejoined the Squire, looking suddenly wise. 'Yes, dad!' emphatically

returned Jacob, 'but I know'd they were the very same herrin, by the

taste on 'em: they tasted as if they wor stolen!' And Jacob having

delivered himself of this tart and somewhat strange rejoinder, gave

his shoulder a significant shrug, as he watched dad's eyes, without

faltering.

"'That's plump testimony--there's no coming yer Yankee twist over

that! Ye see, Hornblower, I knows the hang of the law, slap up. The

public should know these outrages; the Parliament should be apprised

of such breaches of law and moral honesty; the Home Government should

know what cussed pests the Yankees are! We don't want you here at all,

Hornblower; you've turned pedler, and upset all our trade--there now!'

Here the Squire worked himself up into a perfect fever of excitement,

pressing his law-book firmly on the table while addressing his legal

observations to his auditory. 'I shall pronounce you guilty,

Hornblower, and judge you to pay a fine of twenty pounds currency,

according to the sovereign law of this Her Most Gracious Britannic

Majesty's province.'

"I interrupted by telling him to go-ahead. 'Squire, if you warn't so

fast, I'd try to get a word in edgewise for Hornblower,' said I. But,

before the Squire had time to retort, Hornblower himself took up the

weapon. 'Great Jehu----e! Squire,' he ejaculated, 'you know no more

about the law than Dobbin Dobson's donkey--ye hain't worth two cents!'

Hornblower's face blazed with red rage, and the Squire got himself all

on his pins.

"'Keep your clapper shut, Hornblower,' returned the Squire, telling

Hornblower, how, if he doubted his capacity for the law business, he

would read him Haliburton's opinions, and convince him that they

precisely conformed with his. 'Remember you're in the presence of a

Justice of the Peace!' he added, as Hornblower replied by informing

him that so long as he was before him nothing more was necessary to

remind him of the fact. Then he begged the Squire to keep cool, and

not get into a fuzzle: and after he had bestowed some sharp retorts,

in not very fashionable language, which he hoped the Squire would not

take as personal, he made an explanation of the whole thing. 'Go on,'

rejoined the Squire, getting warmer and warmer.

"'Well,' returned Hornblower; 'first I motion to adjourn the Court and

go drink all round, at your store; after which I further motion that

Jacob and me go down into the cellar of your house--'

"'Into my cellar!' interrupted the Squire, suddenly: 'not a

step!--I'se settled the case, and there's no moving judgment.'

"Here Hornblower charged the Squire with having a suspicious quantity

of fresh herring in his own cellar. 'I don't say how they got there

this morning afore daylight, Squire,' said he, 'but there's a citizen

not far off what will.'

"'It's the ram--d----d'st false ever told against a gentleman of my

high standing!'

"'What is Squire?' interpolated Hornblower, keeping as cool as the

face of a March morning. Why!' returns the Squire, 'to say I stole 'em

myself!'

"'There can be no mistaking it Squire,' chimes in Hornblower; 'and the

stronger evidence is the fact of your being the only son of a man who

has yet preferred the charge of stealing them. Now, Squire, I'll

stake the schooner Virtue, that on proceeding into your cellar the

herring will be recovered and injured justice satisfied: just grant us

a warrant to search your cellar, Squire.' Here Hornblower looked

thunder and lightning at the Squire whose wrath and misgiving seemed

carrying out a sad conflict in his heart. The result was a strange

clatter of tongues. Notwithstanding the Squire's estimate of his own

popularity, the good people on the coast well understood his singular

process of doing up the law business. 'You'll get your straight ups to

jail, or pay the coin right down, Hornblower!' demanded the Squire,

making a flourish with his law-book, and preparing to adjourn for the

purpose of doing a small quantity of drinking.

"'The Squire's a humbug!--he is!--I'll blow the Court to thunder.

Just clar the kitchen,' cried out the skipper, stripping off his coat,

as if to have a tug and hug with the Squire, who at that moment wanted

to get a word in edgewise. The next Smooth saw, the Squire was letting

fly at Hornblower's head the law-book; which rather summary

demonstration was replied to by a stream of tobacco juice, with which

Hornblower blinded the Squire, setting him nearly frantic. By the way,

the law-book missed its intended object, and stormed the end of Uncle

Seth Sprague's nose, nearly knocking off an inch or two.

"'Now, if that is Colonial law, Squire, I think how a little home-made

Yankee justice won't be a bad application,' said Hornblower, making

ready to administer the medicine; then he squared off, and sent his

mauler right into the Squire's dumplin depot, so sharp and strong, as

to produce a decided conviction. At length the Squire was floored, and

found working the rule of three on the boards. Here the diplomacy

became so warm, that Smooth having the very highest regard for Mr.

Pierce and his fighting diplomatists who deemed getting up duels, and

writing down editors very necessary preliminaries to their mission,

thought he would withdraw, leaving the intricacy to Hornblower's

settlement, seeing that he was producing the strongest kind of notes

and protocols.

CHAPTER XVII.

SMOOTH SETTLES ALL INTERNATIONAL DIFFICULTIES.

"Smooth, on returning to the arms of Mr. Pierce, concluded it would

not be bad policy to touch at Halifax, meet Uncle John Bull's

Commissioner, and with him make a final settlement of all

international questions. And now, being alongside of George's Island,

which rises abruptly in the centre of Halifax harbor, and nearly

opposite the old tower on Point Pleasant--and from which a splendid

view of the surrounding country may be obtained, I feel a desire to

relate some scenes of singular import which have been enacted in this

place. My respect for the feelings of great men and governors,

however, causes me to withhold some few of them. Indeed, my character

for modesty being pretty well established, I am more than cautions how

I bring it in contact with the nervous system of such gentry.

Nevertheless, seeing that not uncommonly the greatest and most

powerful nations turn the smallest beings into very great men, and

spend no end of money to do nobody any good, a short, and I may say, a

very modest account from the catalogue of my experience, may not be

out of place. Well, I, Smooth, _Minister-in-General to General

Pierce_, received, in addition to my own previous conclusion, an

incentive to the object in view, conveyed in a dispatch from my

Grandpapa Marcy, in which he advised the repairing immediately to

Halifax, there to witness the grand battle that was to for ever settle

the fish question, and give peace to fishermen and fish in general. It

was sincerely hoped that in the settlement of this long unsettled

question, Mr. Pierce would keep his black-pig at home. The result

proved the mistake: war was declared. And the day on which the great

struggle would be decided ushered in upon a scene at once gloomy and

ominous. Mysterious and fleecing clouds now obscured the heavens, and

again shadowed with their silvery mists the surface of the sullen

stream. A contest of mighty import was to be decided. The hazard was

great, but the point to be gained small indeed; and men moved along

the busy streets whispering their strong misgivings. Monster

war-ships, with ponderous engines supplied, rode like sleeping demons

upon the water's leaden surface. An hour of anxiety passed, a signal

of war echoed forth, and murmured over the landscape like distant

thunder coursing along the heavens. Then the murmuring sound

re-echoed, as if the battlements above had opened upon the earth and

sea. Soon Britannia's wooden walls were seen veering into line and

preparing for action; America's ranged in the same order, waiting the

dread moment. Anxious eyes and thoughts strained in expectation of the

bloody struggle; then the boatswain's shrill whistle sounded forth,

the leaden clouds overhead chased away, and bolder outlined became the

figures of venerable Admirals, who, immersed in glittering uniforms,

paced their quarter-decks. Again the ominous mouths of fierce cannon

suddenly protruded more savagely from the sides of the huge hulks, and

the shrill whistle sounded; all was bustle and confusion--eager

thousands of both sexes crowded wharves lining the shore, and many

struggled for space to stand upon while witnessing the terrible

conflict. Again all was hushed into stillness; in breathless suspense

did excitement sit on every countenance, as if waiting for the signal

flash soon to break forth and turn everything into a chaos. A

quarter-master was seen passing a speaking trumpet to the burly old

British admiral, who, judging from his deportment, might have supplied

the place of a rare curiosity in any cabinet of ancient relics. With

it in his hand the ancient veteran mounted a gun on the starboard

quarter, and shouted forth the ominous sound: 'I accept your

challenge--all ready?' A terrible movement was now perceptible among

the spectators on shore.

"'You ill-treated myself and officers while on shore a few days ago;

and you shall pay the penalty of your insult. I'll lick you; I'll be

damned if I don't,' answered the American, saucily.

"'You're spunk; but we'll take a little of it out, by the way of

reducing your pretensions--that's all. Now, my good cousin, just look

out for the shivering of your timbers. I'm going to load with grape, a

jolly mixture I shall slap right into you.'

"'That's e'en jist the medicine!' rejoined the Yankee: that's jist

what I'm going to load with; and if it won't kill, we'll take cogniac

canister! But old fellow, we'll larn ye how the Britishers can't take

the spunk out of us Yankees: s'pose ye come on board my craft, lay off

yer old notions, and play the good fellow in the jolly free-and-easy

way. We'll then consider the horrors of war; and see if the matter

can't be discussed in a different way atween decks.'

"'Well, seeing it's you--not a bad sort of a chap, by the way, I don't

much care if I do; but don't let go any grape until I gets under yer

lee--perhaps we'd better fight it out on your gun-deck. Captain, my

dear fellow (here the captain looked as good-natured as a turtle

studying law) any way to suit your own canister!' returned the

rear-admiral of Uncle John's best blue.

"'I say, while you are about it, Admiral,' rejoined the Yankee, with a

sort of half flirtish, half earnest air--while you are about to come

broad on, just bring all the good folks with you--and don't forget the

ladies; bring them, too. There's nothing like plenty of fair faces

when a strong battle is to be fought!' This was a right good say on

the part of Commodore Shubrick (such was the Yankee skipper's name),

who smiled all over his wrinkled face. It was quite enough. The

gallant Britisher's face, too, brightened up with good-nature, the

boatswain sounded his whistle, the savage guns disappeared in their

ports; the yards were manned with jolly tars, and away streaked the

admiral in his barge, skimming the sullen water, towards the Yankee,

under a heavy cannonade of grape. The ladies, loving and affectionate

souls! couldn't stand it another minute, and, with a Joan of Arc

heroism, volunteered to follow the gallant admiral, for the purpose of

seeing that their sweethearts and husbands were not seriously wounded

by the Commander's grape and other missiles most dangerous. Again loud

reports were heard--pop! pop! pop!--ziz! ziz! ziz! went the shots of

ordinary mixture: then whole broadsides began to be poured into the

belligerents in grand style. After a few hours' cannonading, all was

again bustle and confusion; wounded men were seen tumbling over the

sides of the ship, fair ladies became unfairly terrified, and then,

disgusted with the cowardice of their husbands and sweethearts, might

be seen nearly fainting in the arms of gallant officers. After the

whole affair was over, a great many wounded husbands, whose cases were

extremely doubtful, were conveyed to their homes; others dreaded the

application of Caudle lecture medicine from wives who had long

preceded them to their domestic hearths. A facetious contemporary has

described this great affair in the following graphic manner:

"On attempting to mount the stairs hung at the side, Commodore

Shubrick, standing on the quarter-deck, let drive a fish-ball, which

he held in his hand, and struck the Admiral a little below the left

eye. The Admiral, nothing daunted, ran up the steps, his officers

following close behind, and seized the Commodore by the hand, and gave

him such a shaking as made him tremble again. General Gore, on

reaching the 'poop,' was grossly insulted by the first lieutenant of

the Princeton, who, in the most cool and deliberate manner, told him,

if he would come below, he would give him 'something to eat.'

"The General, in reply, said he would like to catch him at it. And to

show his courage he went below, when one of the middies at the foot of

the companion-way took aim at the General with a champagne bottle, and

let drive the contents into the General's glass. The Mayor of Halifax,

and members of the Corporation, got into a skirmish with the

marines. It seems that Alderman Nugent asked the boatswain, in a

sneering sort of way, if they had any turtle on board. The answer was,

'No--but we've got turtle soup, if that will do for you.' The Mayor

stepped up, and said he would rather have turtle soup than _fish_ any

day. The boatswain answered that he was tired of hearing so much said

about fish. For his own part, he didn't see anything in fish to fight

about. If it was mutton, he was on hand for anybody. One word led on

to another--by this time the steamer was crowded from stem to

stern--until at length there was a general row; every man became a

body corporate, and pitched into himself with right good will.

"The ladies got snappish on account of their husbands, and in turn

pitched into the officers of the Princeton with their--eyes. The

sailors were piped to quarters. Pistols were freely used. The 'big

guns' were charged and fired, doing much damage to the feelings of the

company, in the way of compliments. In short, it was the greatest

battle ever fought in Halifax harbor, real or _sham_. After

quarrelling in this way, until eight o'clock in the evening, and

destroying all the eatables that could be found on board the

Princeton, the invaders retired, and left the Commodore and officers

to their reflections. The retreat was effected in _gallant_ style--so

say the ladies. It is said that the Commodore has sent a despatch to

Washington, informing the authorities of the insult received. We

earnestly entreat that our American contemporaries will fully discuss

this serious matter, on account of the honor of the 'stars and

stripes,' to say nothing of the 'fish story.'

"'Now, Mr. Pierce, in this manner was a very grave question--the fish

question, in which many millions had been spent for the purpose of

pleasing diplomacy--put through a course of settlement. When will the

wisdom of the two most free and enlightened nations of the earth

devise some plan of mutual compromise, by which the interests of their

subjects may be settled without giving to pedantic diplomatists the

means to for ever keep alive an international agitation, which can

only give out food for the very smallest of demagogues? We cannot and

must not quarrel with Uncle John; no, our birthright, our

freedom-loving spirit, our indomitable energy, our kindred

institutions, and the interests of our commerce, should make stronger

the bonds of peace. We must, in defiance of that pitiable ambition of

political tools, who so interrupt the harmony that should exist

between nations kindred in spirit and interests, continue our friendly

relations. Let England lay aside her restrictions on commerce; let her

apply to a better purpose those millions spent in useless attempts to

enforce the observance of laws which only serve to cripple her

energies; and let a policy mutually liberal serve to elevate that

international forbearance which is the father of the greatest good,'

thought I. At this juncture, Mr. Pierce's black pig, always found

where he was not wanted, was discovered in the after cabin, which he

disputed with every one who attempted to enter, until at length it was

voted that I should capture him, and convey him safely home to

Mr. Pierce at Washington:--which, be it understood, was done, though

not without a struggle."

THE END.