orders in such a style.
[_Exit at L. H., hurrying MAJOR with her, and calling, as she
goes out,_ Joseph! Mary! Sophia!
MRS. P. (_suddenly starting up from her chair_). So! she--_she's_ to
be everybody, and _I'm_ to be nobody! a cipher, a nonentity! Was there
ever such ingratitude? I, who left my own home to live with them,
without even waiting to be asked, to give them the benefit of my
experience, to take upon myself the entire control of their domestic
affairs--nay, even to carry my maternal affection so far as not to
allow either of them to interfere in anything whatever!
FANNY (_aside_). Poor dear mamma! she doesn't see that's the very
reason why everything went wrong.
MRS. P. But I'll forget them, I'll renounce them, I'll cast them off,
I'll abandon them to their unhappy fate; and when you're comfortably
married, dear, I'll come and live with _you_ (_throwing her arms round
FANNY, who tries to speak_). No thanks, I see you are literally
bursting with gratitude; but I am rewarded already! I feel it
here--here! (_striking her breast, then flings her arms round FANNY
again, and hurries out at R. H._).
FANNY. Mercy on us! here's a pretty piece of business! Live with me
when I am married! Poor Augustus! he little suspects what a rod there
is in pickle for him! It's all Jeremiah's fault, and it's poor little
I who am punished.
DOCTOR (_without_). In the parlor, is she? Very well!
FANNY. Surely that's dear Doctor Prettywell's voice!
_Enter DOCTOR at C._
DOCTOR. Ah! my dear young friend, delighted to see you!
FANNY. Not more than I am to see you, doctor!
DOCTOR. But let me look at you. How we're grown! I declare we're quite
a young woman!
FANNY. Yes, doctor.
DOCTOR. And a very pretty one, too!
FANNY. Yes, doctor.
DOCTOR (_looking intently at FANNY_). She's the very image of her
mother as she _was_ thirty years ago; the same soft blue eyes, before
she took to spectacles, the same fairy form, before it filled out, the
same alabaster brow, before the wrinkles set in!
FANNY (_aside_). How earnestly he looks at me! I hope I hain't
fascinated _him_ as well as Sir Marmaduke! (_Suddenly._) Goodness me!
what if _he_ should be the "youthful doctor" mamma was speaking about?
(_DOCTOR looks at her again and gives a loud sigh._) What a sigh! It
must be he. He may still have some lingering affection for her; the
flame may not be _quite_ burnt out; there may be a tiny spark left
which a little gentle _blowing_ may rekindle into a blaze. It isn't
very likely; still, I may as well try what a little "blowing" may do.
DOCTOR. Well, now that your education is completed, and you've come
home brimful of accomplishments, of course you'll go into society,
and, like other young ladies, pick up a husband?
FANNY (_with affected indifference_). A husband? Not I, indeed! I've
never even thought of such a thing! (_Aside._) I had no idea I could
fib so well! (_Aloud._) No, doctor! I've too much regard for my own
tranquillity, my own peace of mind!
DOCTOR. Hoity-toity! Who's been putting such nonsense into your head?
FANNY. Why, you yourself never ventured on matrimony!
DOCTOR. No! because I--I-- Heigh-ho! (_giving a loud sigh_).
FANNY (_aside, and smiling_). The "tiny spark" is gradually getting
into a blaze! I did quite right in trying the effect of a little
"_blowing!_" (_Aloud._) Besides, I have come to the conclusion, from
considerable personal experience, that the male sex in general--I
mean, taken in a _lump_--is no better than it should be.
DOCTOR (_laughing_). Indeed!
FANNY. I'm sorry to say they're a false, fickle, perfidious _lot!_
They gain a poor confiding woman's heart only to trifle with it and
trample on it! Poor dear mamma! I am no longer surprised at your
little fits of temper--at your discontent with everything and
everybody--now that I know the sad circumstances which blighted your
youth and cast a gloom over your after-life! (_with affected pathos_).
DOCTOR (_aside_). What do I hear? (_Aloud, and anxiously._) Has your
mother, then, revealed?
FANNY. No; but she might just as well, because I was sure to find it
out.
DOCTOR. Find out _what?_
FANNY. A lot of things! Ah, doctor! if you had only heard her sigh as
I have!
DOCTOR. Sigh?
FANNY. Yes; but that's not all. Poor mamma! You'd hardly believe the
number of pearly drops I've seen fall from her poor eyes into her
teacup.
DOCTOR. Pearly drops?
FANNY. But _that's_ not all! (_In a very mysterious manner._) I once
heard her, when she little thought I was listening, say, in faltering
accents, "Ah! if he had really loved me, would he not have declared
his passion when I became a widow?"
DOCTOR. Did she? (_Aside._) She loves me still! Dear Cleopatra!
FANNY. Who can she mean? I should so like to know. Perhaps, doctor,
you'll help me to find out; but here she comes (_looking towards C.
DOCTOR gives a violent start_). Why, what's the matter?
DOCTOR. Nothing; only a sort of a kind of a--of a--I scarcely know
whether I am standing on my head or my heels!
FANNY. On your head, of course!
DOCTOR. I thought so.
MRS. P. (_heard without_). Joseph! Joseph!
DOCTOR (_aside_). I can't meet her yet. The agitation--the
trepidation--the perturbation--the--
FANNY. Perhaps you'd better retire, doctor, (_aside_) or else he'll be
flopping down on his knees to mamma before I've prepared her for the
shock!
_Enter MRS. PELICAN at R. H., followed by JOSEPH._
MRS. P. Joseph, inform your master that I shall dine in my own
apartment.
[_JOSEPH bows and goes out R. H. DOCTOR meets MRS. PELICAN as she
comes down--looks tenderly at her--clasps his hands, and gives a
deep sigh; then hurries up--stops again at C.--turns--gives her
another tender look--another deep sigh, and hurries out at C._
MRS. P. (_watching DOCTOR in astonishment_). Why, what's the matter
with the man?
FANNY (_aside_). It's _your_ turn now, mamma! You wanted to get a
husband for _me;_ so as one good turn deserves another, I'll see if I
can't find one for _you!_
MRS. P. (_aside_). I must find out who this "girlish fancy" of hers
is. (_Aloud._) Come here, Fanny. Of course _your_ happiness is all I
desire!
FANNY. And it's all _I_ desire too, mamma!
MRS. P. Then have confidence in your mother--your _only_ mother! Tell
me the name of the young man who has won your affections.
FANNY. You asked me if I had any one in my eye, and I said I _had,_
but I didn't tell you he was a _young_ man. The fact is, mamma, I've
been so often told that I am so giddy, so thoughtless, so flighty,
that I selected some one of _maturer_ years; he would give me the
benefit of his experience--his advice--his--his--
MRS. P. Maturer years?
FANNY. Yes! Besides, he has known me so long!--ever since I was a tiny
little mite. He used to dandle me on his knee, and buy me dolls and
toys and sweeties and hardbake and elecampane, and all that sort of
thing!
MRS. P. (_aside_). Known her for years! (_Suddenly._) Mercy on us! can
she be alluding to "Vicessimus?"
FANNY. But, ma dear, that which attracted more than all was the
respectful, I may say the _affectionate,_ terms in which he always
speaks of _you._
MRS. P. Does he? (_Aside._) Poor fluttering heart, be still! Dear
Vicessimus! He hain't, then, quite forgot his Cleopatra! (_Aloud._)
But is DOCTOR PRETTYWELL--for it surely must be _he_ to whom your
remarks apply--
FANNY. Yes, mamma.
MRS. P. (_aside_). I thought so. (_Aloud._) Is he aware of your
somewhat foolish partiality?
FANNY. I think so. He'll tell you why! Whenever he used to call, and
we happened to be sitting side by side--I mean you and I, mamma--I
noticed that he always kept his eye fixed on us, and it always made me
blush so.
MRS. P. (_aside_). Poor simple child. She flatters herself that it was
on _her_ that Vicessimus's enamoured glances were riveted.
FANNY. And don't you recollect the last time he took us to the
theatre, how attentive, how polite he was to you?
MRS. P. Yes. I remember he brought me three oranges and an ounce of
acidulated drops into our box.
FANNY. And if you only had heard him just now, when I told him how
shamefully you had been treated here! "What!" he exclaimed, turning
quite red in the face and tearing his hair out in handfuls. "What!
Dare to offer such an affront to so good, so amiable, so excellent a
woman--a woman born to command, born to be beloved!"
MRS. P. Did he?
_Enter JOSEPH at R. H._
JOSEPH. Please, ma'am--and wishes to know if you are disengaged?
MRS. P. I'll come to him. (_Exit JOSEPH R. H._) How shall I meet him?
how conceal my feelings? Once more, poor little fluttering heart, be
still! (_Aside, and looking at FANNY_). Poor Fanny! I shall be sorry
to cut her out; but constancy like Vicessimus's deserves, and shall
have, its reward!
[_Exit at R. H._
FANNY. There! I flatter myself I've managed that rather cleverly. I've
given tranquillity to Jeremiah, happiness to Georgina; I've got mamma
a husband, and-- But stop a bit! who's to get one for _me?_ Oh dear,
dear! I haven't half done yet!
_Enter MRS. MAJOR very hurriedly at C._
MRS. MAJOR. Oh! what shall I do? what shall I do?
FANNY. Georgina dear, what's the matter?
MRS. MAJOR. Oh, Fanny, such an event! I quite forgot to tell you that
a person--I can't call him a gentleman--has been following me about
everywhere in the most persevering, the most audacious manner, for the
last month!
FANNY. What a contrast to Augustus!
MRS. MAJOR. And at last he has actually had the effrontery to write to
me. A groom called just now with a letter, and was in the act of
giving it to Mary, with strict injunctions to deliver it to me, and to
me only, when my husband suddenly appeared and snatched the letter out
of his hand.
FANNY (_aside_). Something more for me to do! I shall never get my
work done here!
MRS. MAJOR. He must have read the letter by this time! Oh, what, what
will he think of me? But here he comes! and what a dreadful temper he
looks in!
_Enter MAJOR hurriedly at C., looking very wild and agitated, a
letter in his hand; comes forward._
MAJOR (_folding his arms and assuming a tragic attitude_). So, madam;
I repeat "So, madam!" You may tremble at the sight of your hitherto
too confiding but now indignant husband!
MRS. MAJOR. But, Jeremiah dear--
MAJOR. Don't "Jeremiah dear" me! Are you aware, unhappy woman, that I
might give you in charge to the police? No, I don't mean that--that I
might insist on a separation? or call your ignoble accomplice out and
shoot him?--which I _would_ do, if I were sure he wouldn't shoot _me!_
But no! I prefer to expose, to unmask you!
_Enter MRS. PELICAN hastily at C., followed by DOCTOR_.
MRS. P. What is all this disturbance about? What has happened?
MAJOR. You've arrived just in time! I only wish the entire universe
were assembled in this breakfast-room to hear me!
MRS. MAJOR (_shrugging her shoulders_). Pshaw! they could only laugh
at your absurd suspicions!
MAJOR. Suspicions? Come, I like that, when I have the proofs--you
hear, madam, the proofs of your misconduct!--this letter, madam! this
letter! (_producing letter and flourishing it_).
MRS. P. A letter!
MAJOR. Yes! listen, and shudder! (_taking letter out of envelope,
which he lets fall on stage, then reading in an impressive tone_).
"Star of my life, idol of my heart!" That's pretty well to begin with!
(_Reading again._) "Ever since the God of Love first presented you to
my enraptured orbs!" (_Aside._) What does the fellow mean by "orbs?"
(_Reading again._) "I have loved you"--point of admiration; here it
is, there's no mistake about the point of admiration! (_showing letter
to MRS. P. and DOCTOR_). But that's not all! (_Reads again._) "In
order to bask in your divine presence, I am prepared to sweep every
obstacle from my path." There's a sanguinary ruffian! Of course _I_'m
one of the obstacles to be swept away!
MRS. P. And how is the letter signed?
MAJOR. There _is_ no signature!
FANNY (_aside_). That's fortunate! (_picking up the envelope unseen
and putting it in her pocket_).
MAJOR (_to MRS. MAJOR_). Now, madam, what have you to say?
MRS. MAJOR. Simply this, that I am more than ever indignant at your
preposterous and odious suspicions.
FANNY (_suddenly confronting MAJOR_). So am I! You ought to be ashamed
of yourself, Jeremiah! and so ought you, mamma, and so ought
everybody! And what's more, I'm determined that poor, dear, innocent
Georgina shall be no longer unjustly accused!
MRS. P. }
} What's that?
MAJOR. }
FANNY. I dare say I shall be scolded, but I'm used to that; in fact, I
rather like it; and after all it was sure to be found out sooner or
later; in a word--that letter--
MRS. P. Well?
FANNY. Was intended for _me!_
MRS. MAJOR (_aside to her_). Fanny!
FANNY (_aside to her_). Hush! I'm engaged in a little business of _my
own_ now!
MRS. P. For you?
FANNY. Yes! although I particularly told him not to write to me.
MRS. P. Told him? Told _who?_
FANNY. Augustus!
MRS. P. Who's Augustus?
FANNY. _My_ Augustus, of course!
MRS. MAJOR. I can confirm Fanny's words, having been in possession of
the whole particulars for the last hour.
MAJOR. Have you? Then, perhaps, you can furnish us with Augustus's
other name--_if_ he's got one (_satirically_).
MRS. MAJOR. Certainly--Noodle.
FANNY (_very quickly_). No--Boodle!
DOCTOR. Augustus Boodle? Let me see! of course! I first met him at
Cheltenham!
FANNY. So did I.
DOCTOR. He was only a lad then, and was going into the army--to
distinguish himself, as he said.
FANNY. I can't say whether he did distinguish _himself,_ but I know
that he very soon distinguished _me!_
DOCTOR. The Boodles of Gloucestershire. There's not a more respected
family in the county! Come, my dear Mrs. Pelican, if you'll take my
advice, you'll not hesitate in accepting Augustus Noodle--I mean
Boodle--as a son-in-law!
MRS. P. Well, I'll think the matter over, and then, perhaps, I may say
yes.
FANNY (_coaxingly_). Suppose you say yes first, mamma, and think the
matter over afterwards?
MRS. P. (_ironically_). But, Fanny, what about a certain party of
"_maturer years,_" on whose _experience_ you proposed to rely?
FANNY. Let me ask you, mamma, would it have been dutiful in a daughter
to deprive her mother of the object of her early affection?
MAJOR. What's that? "Early affection!"--"object!"
MRS. P. Yes; there stands the object (_pointing to DOCTOR_). In a
word, I have been induced to accept the hand of Doctor Prettywell,
from his many amiable qualities and (_aside to DOCTOR_) his
_constancy._ Here, Vicessimus (_holding her hand out to him_).
DOCTOR. Thanks, Cleopatra (_taking her hand and kissing it_).
MAJOR (_very timidly to MRS. MAJOR_). Georgina, can you forgive your
Jeremiah? I don't know how I may _look,_ but you've no idea how
_small_ I feel.
MRS. MAJOR. This once I do! but remember, this once _only._ There
(_giving her hand to MAJOR_).
MAJOR. Then, in spite of all petty domestic discords, everybody is
happy at last.
FANNY. Which only proves the truth of the old adage, that "After a
storm comes a calm."
THE CURTAIN FALLS.
EXPRESS!
_A Railway Romance, in One Compartment._
(_Adapted from the French._)
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
A LADY.
A GENTLEMAN.
A RAILWAY GUARD.
[The action is supposed to take place in a first-class
railway-carriage, travelling on a certain line between a certain place
and another certain place.]
SCENE.--_A plain interior, supposed to represent a compartment in a
first-class railway-carriage; door in flat at C.--the entrance--four
easy-chairs placed two and two opposite the others, representing the
seats--on the second chair at L. H. an open newspaper._
_The actor playing the part of the gentleman enters at door C. in
light overcoat, with travelling-bag, hat-box, and railway-rug over his
arm; he places the bag, hat-box, and rug on first chair, L. H., and
advances, cap in hand, and, after sundry bows, proceeds to explain the
scene to the audience._ Ladies and gentlemen: The little piece we are
about to present to you is supposed to take place in a first-class
compartment of a railway-carriage, travelling express
from--from--Plymouth to London; shall we say Plymouth to London?--very
well--Plymouth to London. You will also be good enough to see in the
humble individual who is now addressing you, a
deputy-assistant-deputy-inspector of Government prisons, returning
from an official visit to that well-known and, judging from the
constant stream of applications for admission, highly popular convict
establishment at--at--Dartmouth; shall we say Dartmouth?--be it so,
we'll say Dartmouth! Our first idea, in order to impart a greater
reality to the situation, was to place before you a regular train with
locomotive, etc., etc., all complete, and for this purpose we applied
to a certain railway company for the loan of one; but the secretary,
in reply, said that the only materials he could offer us were
cattle-trucks and coal-wagons, all the passenger rolling-stock being
in requisition, owing to the unusual number they had smashed up during
the year. He certainly offered us the use of an engine, but at the
same time candidly gave us to understand that it was a little bit
rusty, and wouldn't stand the slightest pressure; he further added
that if the knob of the steam-whistle _should_ happen to knock out the
front teeth of any of the audience, we were not to blame _him_ if we
had a few compensation actions to sustain!--and so on! Altogether the
alternative was so dismal that we decided on sacrificing a flaming
line in our play-bill about "flashing express," "real steam," "genuine
foot-warmers," which we had composed for the occasion, and to fall
back upon the best scene that our stage-carpenter and property-man
could prepare for us.
We must, therefore, ask you to bring your imaginations to our aid, and
to fancy you see in that door and in these four easy-chairs the
interior of a first-class compartment of a railway-carriage, and to
imagine further that I have passed the night in one of them, and am at
the present moment still enjoying a profound sleep.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, permit me to enter into my part, to
seat myself in the snuggest corner I can find, and to resume my
interrupted nap! (_makes a profound bow to audience, goes up stage,
and seats himself on the first chair, L. H.; puts on his
travelling-cap, wraps himself up in the railway-rug, after having
placed on the second chair, L., his travelling-bag, a railway guide,
and a paper-knife; he then yawns once or twice, then falls asleep, and
after a time snores gently. Loud noise of train arriving, with
steam-engine, railway-bell, and whistle, as the train is supposed to
arrive and gradually to stop_).
GUARD (_heard without_). Reading! Change here for Guildford, Dorking,
Reigate, Redhill!
VOICE (_without_). Guard, how long do we stop here?
GUARD (_without_). Ten minutes, sir! (_Cries of "Reading; change
here," etc., etc., etc., repeated, and gradually diminishing,
accompanied by noise of slamming doors, etc._)
GENTLEMAN (_starting from his sleep_). What's that? Who speaks of
stopping? I wonder what the time is? (_Looks at watch._) Seven
o'clock? (_Opens door and looks out._) Broad daylight, I declare
(_closing door again_); then I must have slept the best part of the
night! I don't even remember my travelling companion getting out; he
seems to have forgotten his newspaper (_taking up paper from chair_).
Not a very talkative fellow; in fact, he never opened his mouth,
except to put something into it--principally Abernethys and
peppermint-drops. By Jove, his _Daily News_ is full of crumbs and
caraways now!--a regular pantry!
GUARD (_again heard without_). Reading! Ten minutes to stop!
GENTLEMAN. Ten minutes to stop? Then I may as well get out and stretch
my legs a bit (_rises, puts railway-rug, guide, and travelling-bag on
his seat, and goes to door C.; then calls_). Guard, whereabouts is the
refreshment-bar?
GUARD (_without_). This way, sir (_GENTLEMAN goes out at door C.
towards R. H.--short pause_).
_The LADY looks in at C. and stops; then enters with two small
parcels and a bonnet-box._
LADY. Yes; all things considered, I decidedly prefer this carriage to
the ladies' compartment, where there's only room for one, and then
what should I do with my packages? Besides, ladies are not so
_remarkably_ agreeable among themselves; while here-- (_looking about
her_). Let me see, which corner shall I take? I think this will do
(_indicating the seat which the GENTLEMAN has just left_); one's face
to the engine, and not so likely to be troubled by people getting in
and out; yes, this will do very well indeed! (_during this she removes
the GENTLEMAN'S effects from first chair L. H. to the opposite chair
at R._) And after all, provided one has a _gentleman_ for a travelling
companion, a host of these little difficulties soon disappear! (_Seats
herself on first chair L. H._). There! I shall do very nicely
here--very nicely indeed! (_Here the GENTLEMAN appears outside at door
C._) Some one's coming! one of the opposite sex! I _hope_ a gentleman.
Suppose I pretend to be asleep? I will! I'll shut my eyes, and then I
shall be able to judge of his appearance! (_wraps herself up so as to
conceal her face, and pretends to be asleep_).
GENTLEMAN (_entering at door and stamping his feet_). I feel all the
better! Thanks to a glass of sherry and half a dozen rapid turns up
and down the platform, the circulation is re-established; so now for
another dose of pins and needles. Holloa! what's this?--my seat taken,
and all my things bundled away anyhow on another seat! Well, of all
the cool proceedings-- (_To the LADY._) I beg pardon, madam, but--
Asleep? Rather a sudden attack of drowsiness, considering she can't
have been here more than five minutes! However, she's a lady--at least
she looks like one, though she _is_ such a cool hand, and I can't be
so ungallant as to turn her out, especially as she looks so snug and
comfortable! I must take another corner! (_He seats himself on second
chair at L. H., partly turning his back to the LADY._)
LADY (_aside and partly uncovering her face_). I knew these little
difficulties would soon arrange themselves! (_wraps herself up as
before_).
GENTLEMAN (_fidgeting about in his seat_). I was much more comfortable
in my own seat. There was a nice hollow for one's back there; but here
there's a confounded lump that's positively painful! I must confess I
have found that women in general haven't the slightest hesitation in
taking advantage of one if they possibly can. Here's an instance; just
as I had got used to my seat, in comes one of the weaker sex and turns
me out bag and baggage! They know their power, and abuse it: too bad!
Now (_looking aside at LADY_) if my neighbor were but young--and
pretty into the bargain--but no; catch a woman wrapping herself up
like that when she _is_ young (_gaping_) and pretty! (_His head nods
once or twice, and he falls asleep._)
GUARD (_without_). Take your seats! Any more going on?
LADY (_cautiously peeping at GENTLEMAN, then uncovering, and aside_).
So it seems I shall have no other travelling companion but this
gentleman! (_Here loud railway-whistle heard, and noise of train
starting._) We're off. (_Looking at GENTLEMAN again._) I must say he
appears to be perfectly harmless and inoffensive. (_GENTLEMAN
snores._) What did he say? (_A louder snore from GENTLEMAN_). Well, if
that's a specimen of his conversation, it isn't likely to compromise
one! (_Another snore._) I may as well go to sleep myself, and then,
perhaps, I may be able to join in the _conversation_ too! (_Wraps
herself up, but this time allows her face to remain uncovered; closes
her eyes; pause._)