portmanteau with his fists--this sort of thing (_imitating_).--I saw a
great big one hanging to the tip of his nose.
JESSIE. A great big what? Not a tear?
BLUNT. Yes, miss! he said it was a cold in his head, but I know
better.
JACK (_heard from room L. H._). Blunt! Blunt!
BLUNT. Coming, sir! (_about to run to the door L. H._).
MRS. T. (_pointing to C._). That way, if you please. Remember,
obedience is the first duty of a soldier.
[_BLUNT makes a salute, and exit at C. with portmanteau._
JESSIE. Oh, aunty! only fancy poor Jack with a tear hanging to the tip
of his great big nose--I mean, a great big tear! Why, _why_ did you
let me tell my guardian that I'd never marry Jack? _Do_ run after him,
and tell him I've changed my mind, and that I'll _never,_ never, never
marry any one else. _Do_ make haste, aunty dear. _Do_ be a little bit
impetuous like me (_during this she has urged MRS. TARLETAN towards
C._).
MRS.T. (_laughing_). Spoiled child! spoiled child! (_kisses her, and
hurries out at C._).
_Enter JACK at door L. H., dressed in tweed travelling suit, an
overcoat over his arm, and a small bag in his hand._
JACK (_stops on seeing JESSIE_). A thousand pardons, Jes--I mean Miss
Manvers. I expected to find my aunt.
JESSIE (_archly_). And you are disappointed at finding only _me?_
JACK (_aside_). What unseemly levity! (_Aloud._) I cannot leave her
roof without wishing her good-by.
JESSIE. Of course not--but you're not going? (_smiling_).
JACK (_assuming a very dignified manner_). I beg your pardon, _miss!_
JESSIE (_imitating JACK_). I beg yours, _sir!_
JACK. What! remain here and see you married?
JESSIE. Of course; how _can_ I get married unless you _do_ remain?
JACK (_indignantly_). You don't expect me to give Dicky away, I hope?
JESSIE. No; but I certainly _do_ expect you will give yourself away!
and to me who love you, oh, so dearly!
JACK (_throwing away his coat, etc., and clasping JESSIE in his
arms_). Jessie darling! But what--what does it all mean?
JESSIE (_very rapidly_). That I know _why_ you got fisti--fisti--you
know--with your servant; that it wasn't about Martha at all; that all
my guardian said about you was a great big story!
JACK. Oh! oh! So old Jogtrot has been poking his ugly nose into my
affairs again, has he? (_Savagely._) I'll wring it off!
JESSIE (_holding up her finger_). Now listen to me, Cousin Jack; if
you cannot and do not control that dreadfully peppery temper of
yours--
JACK (_very quickly_). But I _will!_ I swear it by--by this (_taking
small hand-bell off table_). Now, Jessie, if ever you see me getting
the least little bit frantic, you've only to--
JESSIE. I understand (_taking bell and ringing it_).
JACK. That's it!
JESSIE (_looking towards C._). Here comes my guardian; now do as I
tell you. Go over there (_pointing; JACK moves a few paces from her_);
farther than that! Now cross your arms (_JACK obeys_); look sulky!
JACK. This sort of thing? (_putting on a sulky look_).
JESSIE. Worse than that (_JACK puts on a hideous grimace_). That's
better! Now turn your back to me (_JACK obeys; JESSIE also turns her
back on JACK_).
JACK (_looking round_). Isn't there time just for one kiss?
JESSIE. No--no.
JACK. Only a tiny one!
JESSIE. Hush! (_they both hastily resume their positions back to
back_).
_Enter JOGTROT at C._
JOGTROT (_seeing them_). Dos-à-dos! The lady pouting--the gentleman
frowning! Then the storm I contrived to raise is still at its height
(_coming down and touching JACK on the shoulder; JACK turns to him
with an intensely savage expression of face, making JOGTROT start
back_).
JOGTROT (_in a soothing tone_). Cheer up, my gallant young friend; the
sex, you know, is capricious--"sipping each flower, changing each
hour." It is sad--very sad!
JACK (_sulkily_). For _me,_ not for _you,_ who have always opposed my
marriage with my cousin.
JOGTROT. I? On the contrary, not ten minutes ago I asked her if she
had any lingering affection for you, and her answer was--
JESSIE. That I would marry Mr. Chirper.
JOGTROT. There, there! you hear?
JESSIE. Yes, but (_imitating JOGTROT_), "the sex is so capricious,"
you know--"sipping each flower, changing each hour." So now, Guardy,
I'll marry Jack, please (_bobbing a courtesy; then running to JACK,
who takes her in his arms_).
JOGTROT (_shouting_). Stop! that's all wrong (_seeing MRS. TARLETAN
and CHIRPER, who enter at C._). You're just in time, madam! There's a
gigantic, a colossal mistake here!
MRS. T. (_smiling_). A mistake? Not at all!
JOGTROT. Not at all! Am I to understand, then, madam, that after the
deplorable--scandalous scene of this morning--
MRS. T. Which has been fully explained, and will never be repeated!
JACK. Never! I've sworn it (_looking at JESSIE and pointing to the
small bell on the table_). No more tempers, no more "little pets."
JOGTROT (_aside_). One more chance! (_Aloud._) All I desire is my
ward's happiness! happiness!--poor girl! (_shrugging his shoulders and
giving a deep sigh_).
JACK (_bristling up sharply._) What's that?
JOGTROT (_sneeringly_). I believe, sir, I have already expressed my
opinion of military men--as _husbands!_
JACK (_threateningly_). Take my advice, sir, and leave military men
alone, or else-- (_JESSIE takes small bell and rings it; JACK falls
into chair laughing._)
JOGTROT. In a word--
MRS. T. Pardon me, doctor, you have said quite enough already!
JESSIE (_indignantly_) _More_ than enough, Doctor Jogtrot! (_advancing
on JOGTROT, who retreats; she follows him up_). For the last ten
minutes you've been insulting a better man than yourself, Doctor
Jogtrot!--a _far_ better man, Doctor Jogtrot!
JACK (_aside_). Halloa! here's JESSIE getting into a pet! (_takes
second small bell and rings it; JESSIE and JACK fall into chairs
roaring with laughter and ringing their bells, JOGTROT staring at them
in astonishment_).
CHIRPER (_to JOGTROT, in a sympathizing tone_). My dear respected
friend--
JOGTROT (_turning fiercely on CHIRPER_). And you! standing there like
a gaping idiot--ugh!
JACK. Oh, Dicky's all right! he's got his cow; hain't you, Dicky?
CHIRPER. _And_ the Philotechnic, where, by-the-bye, I am now due.
JOGTROT. So am I. Come along (_slams his hat on his head, puts his arm
in CHIRPER'S, swings him round, and drags him out at C._).
JACK (_taking JESSIE'S hand_). Mine! mine at last!
JESSIE (_smiling_). But remember. Jack, no more irritability, no more
tempers.
JACK. No! Here, here I vow, protest, and declare is the last of
Pepperpot's little _Pets!_ (_kisses JESSIE'S hand as curtain falls_).
AFTER A STORM COMES A CALM.
_Comedietta, in One Act._
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
MAJOR PELICAN.
DR. VICESSIMUS PRETTYWELL.
JOSEPH (a servant).
MRS. PELICAN.
MRS. MAJOR PELICAN.
FANNY.
SCENE.--Major Pelican's Villa in St. John's Wood.
_A handsomely furnished apartment. Door at C., doors R. H. and L. H.;
a window at back, at R. C._
JOSEPH (_discovered lounging in an easy-chair, his legs upon another,
a newspaper open in his hand_). Now, then, for a quiet squint at the
sporting intelligence. See if I can't pick out a likely one for the
Great Cricklewood Handicap. (_Bell rings at L. H._) Of course! No
indulging in literary pursuits in this house! That's the young
missus's bell, and she can't bear being kept waiting. Well, I suppose
it's only natural for young people to be impatient (_getting up and
going towards L. H.; bell at R. H. is heard to ring_). Now the old
lady's at it, and she's always in a hurry, she is! Well, I suppose old
people can't afford to wait (_going towards door R. H.; bell at L. H.
rings again, then the bell at R. H.; then both bells are rung
violently; JOSEPH running backward and forward_).
_Enter MAJOR PELICAN at C._
MAJOR. Well, Joseph, don't you hear the bell?
JOSEPH. I hear two of them, sir.
MAJOR. Then why don't you go?
JOSEPH. I don't know which way to go, sir! I can't answer both bells
at once, sir! (_here both bells are heard to ring again_).
_Enter DR. PRETTYWELL at C._
JOSEPH (_to MAJOR_). What am I to do, sir?
DOCTOR (_coming down_). Do what you are doing now!
JOSEPH. I ain't doing nothing, sir.
DOCTOR. Then keep on doing nothing. It's about the best thing you
_can_ do.
JOSEPH. But I shall catch it from _both_ my missusses, sir!
DOCTOR. At first perhaps you _will;_ but when they find they've both
fared alike, they'll each feel secretly flattered by the inattention
you show to the other. Go to your work.
JOSEPH. Yes, sir.
[_Exit at C._
DOCTOR. Well, friend Jeremiah!
MAJOR. Well, friend Vicessimus!
DOCTOR. I seem to have dropped in at rather an unlucky moment; but
frankly, if I were to wait till your domestic barometer pointed to
"calm and settled" weather, I'm afraid my visits wouldn't be very
frequent.
MAJOR. True, my dear doctor.
DOCTOR. I don't know how you manage it, but you generally contrive to
have a thunder-storm, more or less violent, rumbling over this house
of yours.
MAJOR. True again, and I'll tell you why. Because this "house of
mine," as you call it, is constantly exposed to two discordant
elements from opposite directions, but invariably coming into contact
and exploding _here!_
DOCTOR. I don't exactly understand.
MAJOR. It's very simple. Living here with my mother and my wife, who
_both_ claim to be "monarch of all they survey," I, the master of the
house--
DOCTOR. Find yourself cutting rather a contemptible figure--eh?
MAJOR. Very much so. It would be easy enough to do as Georgina wishes,
_or_ my mother, but to do as they _both_ wish is impossible, for the
simple reason that no two women ever wish the same thing,
_consequently,_ the result is anger on one side, sulky looks on the
other; one invokes her title of "mother," the other her privileges of
"wife;" consequently, between the two--
DOCTOR. You come in for more kicks than half-pence?
MAJOR. Considerably more! In fact, _all_ kicks.
DOCTOR. And yet I don't know a more charming, amiable person than your
excellent mother. I've known and admired her for more than thirty
years; in fact, had it depended on me, I might very possibly have been
your father.
MAJOR. Thank you. But I'm very well satisfied as I am; besides, the
thing couldn't be done now.
DOCTOR. Not conveniently! However, she preferred marrying the "author
of your being," so there was an end of my romance! But to return to
these unfortunate domestic quarrels; from what I know of your mother,
I am convinced the fault lies with your wife.
MAJOR. And from what I know of my wife, I'm certain it lies with my
mother.
DOCTOR. Then, my good friend, why not at once put an end to these
personal and conjugal troubles of yours?
MAJOR. How?
DOCTOR. Simply thus. Appoint one of the two contending parties--no
matter which--to the sole control of your domestic affairs; support
her authority through thick and thin, give her credit for always being
right, even when she's wrong, and the thing's done!
MAJOR. A very good plan, I dare say, but, unluckily, it's
impracticable.
DOCTOR. Why?
MAJOR. Because it would require a considerable amount of _pluck_ to
carry it out, and I hain't got an atom.
DOCTOR. Nonsense! You've only to show a proper spirit.
MAJOR. How can I do that when I hain't any spirit _at all?_
DOCTOR. Pshaw! Recollect, Nero was a perfect lamb at starting, and yet
he fiddled when Rome was burning.
MAJOR. But I'm not a Nero! Besides, I hain't got a fiddle, and I
couldn't fiddle if I had.
MRS. P. } (_from rooms R. and L.--together_). Joseph!
MRS. MAJOR. } Joseph!
DOCTOR. Here they both come! Do as I tell you, pluck up a proper
spirit; in the mean time I'll beat a retreat (_runs out at C._).
MAJOR (_shouting after him_). Coward! to leave me alone to the mercy
of two exasperated females!
_Enter MRS. PELICAN hurriedly at R. H._
MRS. P. This is perfectly intolerable!
MRS. MAJOR. It's absolutely unbearable! (_entering hurriedly at
L. H._).
MRS. P. To take no notice of my bell!
MRS. MAJOR. What's the use of my ringing?
MRS. P. Oh! here you are, son Jeremiah.
MAJOR. Yes, my dear mother; (_aside_) and I devoutly wish I was
anywhere else!
MRS. P. (_turning him round towards her_). I appeal to you to see that
my authority in this house is respected!
MAJOR (_with pretended surprise_). What! Has any one dared--
MRS. MAJOR (_turning him towards her_). I presume you won't allow _me_
to be treated with inattention?
MAJOR. (_with pretended surprise again_). What! Has any one presumed--
MRS. P. (_aside to him_). But what's the matter with your wife? She
seems out of temper!
MAJOR. Yes! because Joseph didn't attend to her summons at once. When
_you_ require him, he knows better than to do _that!_
MRS. MAJOR (_aside to him_). Your mother appears annoyed at something
or other?
MAJOR. No wonder! Joseph didn't answer her bell. He knows better than
keep _you_ waiting. (_Aside._) What a humbug I am!
MRS. P. By-the-bye, Jeremiah, I have ordered dinner an hour later
to-day.
MRS. MAJOR. Indeed? and for what reason, pray?
MRS. P. Because it suits me.
MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear Georgina, if it suits her--
MRS. MAJOR. But it doesn't suit _me._ I expect Mr. Simcox, the
jeweller, early this evening, and cannot dine later than five.
MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear mother, if she expects Mr. Simcox--
MRS. P. It's too late now, the dinner will be served at six o'clock.
MRS. MAJOR. I won't give way! It will be on the table at five.
MRS. P. Six.
MRS. MAJOR. Five.
MAJOR (_aside_). There they are again! hard at it! hammer and tongs!
_Enter JOSEPH, running, at C._
JOSEPH. Please, ma'am, please, sir, here's Miss Fanny just driven up
in a cab from the station!
MRS. P. Fanny!
MAJOR. What can have brought her back?
FANNY (_heard speaking off at C._). Gently, my good man, with that
box! My best hat's in it! such a beauty too! (_runs in at C.; she is
in a light summer travelling costume_). Here I am! How astonished you
all look! Ha! ha! ha! (_Running to MRS. MAJOR P._) Dear Georgina! so
glad to see you once again (_kissing her--Nodding to MAJOR_). How do,
brother Jeremiah? and you, dear mamma? (_about to kiss MRS. PELICAN_).
MRS. P. (_stiffly_). I was not aware, miss, that it was usual for a
well-educated young lady to address her sister-in-law before her
mother!
FANNY. Did I? So sorry, dear mamma. I really didn't see you at first.
MAJOR (_aside_). I'm sure she's big enough!
FANNY (_holding up her face to MRS. P._). Well, mamma, won't you kiss
me? (_Slyly._) You know you're punishing yourself as well as me.
MRS. P. Who can resist the dear child? (_kissing FANNY_). But we
thought your visit to your Cheltenham friends was intended to last
another week?
FANNY. So it was, but they were obliged to return to town, so they
brought me with them, put my luggage into a cab at the station, me on
the top--I mean my luggage on the top--and here I am!
_Enter JOSEPH at L. H._
JOSEPH. Luncheon is on the table, sir.
MRS. P. Very well, Joseph. (_Aside to MAJOR._) Don't forget what I
said about the dinner.
MAJOR (_aside to her_). All right; six o'clock, sharp!
MRS. MAJOR (_aside to MAJOR_). Remember what I decided about the
dinner-hour!
MAJOR (_aside to her_). All right; five o'clock, sharp! (_Aside._)
Between the two the chances are I sha'n't get any dinner at all!
[_Exeunt MRS. PELICAN and MAJOR at R. H._
FANNY. I'm so glad we're alone at last, Georgina; we can have a nice
long chat together all alone; and I've such a lot to tell you!
MRS. MAJOR. Well, I'm all attention! But first, how did you enjoy your
trip to Cheltenham?
FANNY. Not much. I found it rather slow. Nothing but a collection of
bilious-looking fogies being wheeled about in Bath-chairs. But never
mind that; I've something else to talk about!
MRS. MAJOR (_smiling_). Something very serious, no doubt.
FANNY. Awfully serious! Listen! At the very first ball I went to at
the Assembly-rooms--
MRS. MAJOR. A very brilliant affair, of course!
FANNY. Really, Georgina, if you keep on interrupting me in this sort
of way--
MRS. MAJOR. I beg your pardon! Well?
FANNY. Well, at my very first ball I danced with a gentleman once or
twice--perhaps three or four times.
MRS. MAJOR. Young, of course (_smiling_).
FANNY. Rather!
MRS. MAJOR. Handsome?
FANNY (_very quickly_). Very! Well, judge of my surprise when, the
very next morning, as I was sitting in the drawing-room, the door
opened and the servant announced "Captain Boodle!"
MRS. MAJOR. The "young gentleman?" (_smiling_).
FANNY. Yes.
MRS. MAJOR. Perhaps you had given him your address?
FANNY (_indignantly_). Not I, indeed! He didn't ask for it, or perhaps
I might! Well, the next morning he called again, and the following
morning, and the morning after that--in short, every morning--and as I
was always in the drawing-room, of course quite by accident--
MRS. MAJOR. You naturally became quite intimate--familiar and chatty.
FANNY. _He_ didn't. _I_ did all the _chatting_ part! Never did I see
any one so timid, so bashful, as Boodle. When he _did_ try to say
something, there he'd stand stammering and stuttering and blushing
like a school-girl! But although his tongue didn't say much, his
_eyes_ did!
MRS. MAJOR (_smiling_). And they said, "I love you?"
FANNY. Distinctly! Well, I thought to myself it's not a bit of use
going on like this. It's quite evident the poor man worships the very
ground I tread upon. So when he called next day, and I told him, in
_tremulous accents,_ of course, that I was going away, the effect was
magical. First he turned pale, then red, then blue; then he let his
hat fall, then his umbrella, then himself--on both his knees, at both
my feet, and there, I believe, he would have remained till further
notice, if I hadn't said to him, "Augustus"--his name is Augustus--"I
won't pretend to misunderstand you. You love me! I am yours!"
MRS. MAJOR. What! Such an act of thoughtlessness, of indiscretion, on
your part!
FANNY. Perhaps it was, but I know this: it quite cured him of his
timidity; for when he once _did_ begin, I never heard anybody's tongue
rattle on at such a rate as his did--never!
MRS. MAJOR. And the result, I presume, was--
FANNY. That we both, then and there, exchanged vows of constancy and
locks of hair! His is rather red, by-the-bye! But I see mamma coming!
MRS. MAJOR. Then I'll retire. Seeing us closeted together would only
arouse her ridiculous jealousy.
FANNY. And I'll see if I can't find an opportunity to slip in a word
about Augustus. In the mean time you'll keep my secret?
MRS. MAJOR. Religiously! for your sake (_going up_).
FANNY. And Boodle's.
MRS. MAJOR (_turning and smiling_). And Boodle's.
[_Exit at C._
_Enter MRS. PELICAN at R. H._
MRS. P. Oh, here you are, Fanny!
FANNY. Yes, mamma! and quite alone.
MRS. P. _Now!_ But you were not alone.
FANNY. No, dear Georgina was with me.
MRS. P. And "dear Georgina," no doubt, lost no opportunity of
prejudicing you against your mother!
FANNY. Oh, mamma! (_reproachfully_).
MRS. P. But fortunately you will not long be exposed to her pernicious
influence.
FANNY. Oh, mamma!
MRS. P. Bring a chair and sit down by me.
FANNY (_sitting down by MRS. PELICAN'S side--aside_). I wonder what's
coming?
MRS. P. I have something serious to say to you, Fanny.
FANNY. So have I to you, mamma--_very_ serious!
MRS. P. Indeed! In the mean time, as I happen to be your mother, and
you, consequently, happen to be my daughter, perhaps you'll allow me
to begin _first?_
FANNY. Certainly.
MRS. P. Then listen. Although you are still very young--
FANNY. Nineteen next birthday, mamma.
MRS. P. Don't interrupt me! Although you are still young, I have been
reflecting a good deal lately on that all-important subject, your
future settlement in life!
FANNY (_quickly_). So have I, mamma! (_Aside._) I shall be able to get
in a word presently about Augustus!
MRS. P. In other words, don't you consider it high time you thought of
matrimony?
FANNY (_very quickly_). I _do,_ mamma! I'm always thinking of it!
MRS. P. But of course it isn't likely _you_ can have any one in your
eye _yet!_
FANNY. I beg your pardon! I _have!_
MRS. P. (_severely_). What's that you say?
FANNY. That is--I mean--of course I hain't! (_Aside._) It won't do to
say anything about Augustus yet; I must keep him dark!
MRS. P. Then you have no positive antipathy to the married state?
FANNY. I should think not, indeed! (_very quickly_).
MRS. P. (_severely_). My dear, I'm really surprised to hear a
well-educated young lady express herself in such, I might almost say
indelicate, terms. But to return; I need not say I would not encourage
any candidate for your hand who was not deserving of you.
FANNY. Of course not, mamma! He _must_ be worthy of such a treasure!
MRS. P. Tolerably young, and not absolutely ill-looking!
FANNY (_eagerly_). Certainly not! (_Aside._) I call Augustus decidedly
_good-_looking!
MRS. P. And in the possession of ample means.
FANNY (_aside_). Augustus has got ever so much already, besides two
rich maiden aunts and an aged godmother!
MRS. P. All of which qualifications are, fortunately, in the
possession of Sir Marmaduke Mangle!
FANNY. Sir Marmaduke Mangle? Lor, mamma, you can't mean that little
old man we met at Brighton, with a bad cough, a wig, and a
canary-colored complexion?
MRS. P. He's not old by any means, and is only _slightly_
canary-colored after all! However, he has seen you, he admires you,
and offers you his hand, his heart, his title, and his fortune!
FANNY. But I don't love _him,_ mamma! I never _could_ love him--even
if I didn't love somebody else!
MRS. P. (_starting_). What's that I hear? You love somebody else?
FANNY. Yes, and one who loves _me,_ and one I'm determined to marry,
or die an old maid. There!
MRS. P. (_angrily_). Silence, miss!
FANNY (_impatiently_). I won't silence! If you think Sir Marmaduke
such a very great catch, marry him yourself! I'll consent to it, and
give you away into the bargain! It's quite evident you were never in
love!
MRS. P. I beg your pardon! I _was,_ intensely, with a youthful doctor!
(_Aside._) Poor Vicessimus! Ah! (_giving a long sigh_). Nevertheless,
I married your father--and we were not so _very_ unhappy, considering!
(_To FANNY, who is about to speak._) Not another word! My mind is made
up, so the sooner you make up _yours_ to become Lady Mangle the
better!
_Enter MRS. MAJOR and MAJOR at C., followed by JOSEPH._
MRS. MAJOR. Nothing so simple, Joseph! Tell Mary to put up a bed for
Miss Fanny in her mamma's room!
MRS. P. (_sharply_). What's that? Put up a bed in my room?
MRS. MAJOR. Yes! Why not?
MRS. P. Because I won't allow it!
MAJOR (_aside_). There they are, at it again!
FANNY. But why can't I have my own snug little room?
MRS. MAJOR. The fact is, I have made a work-room of it for myself;
besides, Fanny's proper place is with her mother.
MRS. P. Quite out of the question! The slightest noise disturbs my
sleep.
FANNY. But I sleep so very quietly, mamma--you'd scarcely hear me
breathe; _I_ don't, and as for snoring--
MRS. P. I won't hear another word.
MAJOR. But, hang it all, Fanny must sleep _somewhere!_ She requires a
horizontal position as much as other people.
MRS. P. Then let her find one--but not in _my_ room!
MRS. MAJOR. I insist on my wishes being carried out.
FANNY (_aside to MAJOR_). Oh, brother Jeremiah, if I was only in your
place just for five minutes!
MAJOR (_aside_). She's quite right! I'm master here after all,
confound it! If I'm _not_, I ought to be; and if I ought to be, I
_will_ be, confound it! (_Aloud, and assuming an authoritative
manner._) My patience is exhausted! Anarchy has presided too long over
my domestic hearth.
FANNY (_aside to him_). Confound it!
MAJOR. Confound it!
MRS. P. }
} Quite true!
MRS. MAJOR. }
MAJOR. And henceforth I'm determined to be master of my own house.
(_FANNY whispers him._) Confound it!
MAJOR. But there must be a mistress as well.
MRS. P. }
} Of course! Well (_anxiously_), decide between us.
MRS. MAJOR. }
MAJOR. That's what I'm going to do. (_Aside._) It's really very
awkward! My mother screams loudest, but my wife screams longest;
besides, I only hear my mother in the day, whereas my wife--
MRS. P. (_to MAJOR_). Well? which of the two is to be mistress here?
MRS. MAJOR. Yes, which of the two?
MAJOR (_after a violent effort_). My wife! There! I've said it.
(_FANNY whispers him._) Confound it!
MRS. P. Ah! (_screaming and falling into a chair_).