all the uncomfortable seats this is the most uncomfortable. I _should_
like to know what they stuff their cushions with; I feel as if I'd got
a quartern loaf at my back! (_Taking a rapid glance at LADY, then, in
a savage tone._) _She_ seems comfortable enough! How absurd--how
ridiculous of me not to have demanded--not to have in-sis-ted.
(_Looking again at LADY._) By Jove, she _is_ young! and by no means
bad-looking! Bad-looking! she's pretty--_very_ pretty--_excessively_
pretty! and to think I should have actually gone to sleep in her
presence! One never knows what one does in one's sleep; luckily, I
never snore; that's one comfort! (_Takes off his travelling-cap,
arranges his hair, cravat, etc._) How soundly she sleeps--if she
_does_ sleep! (_in doubt_). When one is _really_ asleep--I mean _fast_
asleep--it isn't usual to wear a smile on one's face; on the contrary,
one's face generally gets ugly! I'll be bound that just now I was
positively hideous! (_He coughs loudly, the LADY moves._) She wakes!
(_Suddenly and loudly._) What a beautiful country! what a lovely green
on those meadows! (_LADY keeps silence._) I'll try again! (_Still
louder._) How unusually beautiful are the autumn tints, especially so
early in the spring! (_Pause; aside._) No response? She must have
taken a sleeping draught!
LADY (_pretending to wake_). A thousand pardons, sir; did you speak?
GENTLEMAN. I was merely observing what a lovely meadow on those
greens! I mean (_another pause_) I hear the harvest is likely to be a
plentiful one, although I'm told that turnips are backward; I haven't
heard anything about carrots.
LADY (_in an indifferent tone_). I beg pardon; were you speaking to
me? (_Aside._) Some gentleman farmer, evidently.
GENTLEMAN (_nettled, and imitating her--aside_). "Were you speaking to
me?" I rather think I _was_ speaking to her! Holloa! she's off to
sleep again! No one can call _her_ particularly wide-awake. Well,
since she's off into land of dreams again, I don't see why I shouldn't
indulge in a cigarette (_takes out some cigarette papers, tobacco
pouch, spreads them on his knees and proceeds to make a cigarette;
then stops_). Stop, though! I can't smoke without first asking her
permission; of course not! (_Aloud, and coughing._) Ahem! (_Watching
her._) Sound as a top! Try again! (_Coughing louder._) Ahem! (_The
LADY opens her eyes and moves impatiently--aside._) That did it!
GENTLEMAN (_apologetically_). My cough is rather troublesome, ma'am.
LADY. I find it so--very!
GENTLEMAN (_aside_). Well! that's about the rudest thing I've heard
for some time! (_Aloud._) I was about to ask you whether you object to
the smell of tobacco?
LADY. Oh, not at all, sir!
GENTLEMAN. Thank you! (_proceeds to make his cigarette, and about to
light it_).
LADY. I mean, not till it's lighted!
GENTLEMAN. Oh, I see; and then you do?
LADY. Very much, indeed!
GENTLEMAN. Even when you are asleep? (_in an insinuating tone_).
LADY (_slowly and decisively_). Whether I am awake _or_ asleep, sir!
GENTLEMAN (_aside_). Now that's what I call selfish--just as if the
smoke _could_ get up her nose when her eyes are shut! (_putting away
his smoking apparatus. Aside_). I must say I _have_ met more agreeable
young ladies--_very much_ more agreeable--in fact, I may say I never
remember meeting one _less_ agreeable. Well, I sha'n't disturb the
"Sleeping Beauty" again in a hurry. Now for another nap! (_sulkily
crams smoking apparatus into his pocket, draws his cap very much over
his head, stands up, folds himself up in his rug, and then flounces
down on his seat again, partially turning his back to the LADY_).
LADY. (_slowly turning her head and taking a glance at GENTLEMAN_).
Well, I must confess he put away his smoking apparatus with a very
good grace! (_Sees newspaper._) Some one has left a newspaper!
(_Taking newspaper and reading._) Um, um! _Plymouth Gazette._ "Foreign
News," "Paris Fashions," "Early Strawberries." What's this? "Escape of
a convict. We learn that Benjamin Burkshaw, a criminal of the most
desperate character, effected his escape from Dartmoor prison
yesterday. The following is his description: Age, not exactly known;
eyes, nothing peculiar; wears a long black beard--has probably cut it
off; walks slightly lame with one leg, uncertain which; supposed to
have directed his steps towards London, or in some other direction."
Dear me! it is just possible he may be in this very train! (_looking
aside at the GENTLEMAN, then reading again_). "Middle height"
(_looking again at GENTLEMAN_); "inclined to be stout" (_another look
at GENTLEMAN_); he's so rolled up in his rug one can't judge! (_Reads
again._) "Slightly bald, with a scar on left side of forehead" (_here
the GENTLEMAN in his sleep hastily pulls his travelling-cap over his
forehead; the LADY gives a sudden start, and recoils as far as
possible from the GENTLEMAN_). How very suddenly he pulled his cap
over his forehead--and the left side of it too! Pshaw! how foolish,
how absurd of me! (_Reads paper again, and then closes her eyes once
more._)
GENTLEMAN (_rousing himself_). It's no use! I can't get a wink of
sleep, except by fits and starts--principally starts! (_Looking at
LADY._) Still asleep! and no book to read except this "Illustrated
Guide through England and Wales." However, that's better than
"Bradshaw." (_During above he has taken a book out of his bag, and
cuts the leaves with a paper-knife; turns over leaves._) What's this?
(_Reads._) "Maidenhead. It was in the neighborhood of this picturesque
town that the famous Dick Turpin--" (_Here the LADY and GENTLEMAN are
suddenly thrown forward._)
LADY (_alarmed_). What a shock! Has anything happened?
GENTLEMAN (_indifferently_). Nothing of consequence! merely the train
passing over something--or somebody!
LADY (_aside_). Rather an unfeeling remark! (_Aloud._) Can you tell me
where we are, sir? I am quite a stranger to this line.
GENTLEMAN. We _should_ be near Slough. You may not be aware, madam,
that it was here that--(_taking a peep aside at his book_)--"that the
famous Dick Turpin"--you've heard of Dick Turpin, of course--the
celebrated highwayman? (_LADY shakes her head_). Well, it was here
that he was in the habit of spending his leisure hours--I mean when
he'd nothing better to do--in--in (_taking another peep at book_)--"in
planting potatoes!"--Poor Dick! my great-grandfather saw him hanged!
LADY (_shocked_). Hanged?
GENTLEMAN. Yes--I forget exactly what for--something about putting an
old lady on the kitchen fire!
LADY (_indignantly_). Surely, never was a fate more richly deserved!
GENTLEMAN. On the contrary, she was quite a respectable sort of old
body!
LADY (_aloud, and in a satirical tone_). Thanks, sir, for your kind
and _interesting_ information!
GENTLEMAN (_modestly_). Don't mention it, I beg!
LADY (_aside_). A newspaper correspondent, perhaps! I prefer that to a
farmer!
GENTLEMAN (_after a short pause_). I find the sun rather too warm on
this side of the carriage, madam--will it inconvenience you if I take
this seat? (_indicating first chair at R._).
LADY. Not in the least! Indeed, I should have the less right to
object, as I am afraid I have appropriated _yours;_ and by far the
more comfortable one, I suspect!
GENTLEMAN. You simply foresaw that I should offer it to you, madam!
LADY. Oh, sir! (_bowing_).
GENTLEMAN. Oh, madam! (_bowing; he removes things from where the LADY
had placed them, and seats himself opposite to her_).
LADY (_aside_). Really a very pleasant, agreeable fellow!
GENTLEMAN (_aside_). Her full face is even better than her profile!
(_Aloud, and in a sentimental tone._) Ah, madam! would it were in my
power to prolong this pleasant journey--this delightful _tête-à-tête!_
LADY (_with dignity_). Sir!
GENTLEMAN (_aside_). That's no go! (_Aloud._) I mean, madam, that one
seems to travel _too_ fast nowadays! (_LADY expresses surprise._) In
fact, we're _all_ too fast!
LADY (_severely_). Sir!
GENTLEMAN (_aside_). _That's_ no go! (_Aloud._) We've only to contrast
the present with the time when the wife of one of our ancient kings
traversed the whole of England by easy stages of five miles a day!
LADY. Of whom do you speak?
GENTLEMAN. Of--of-- (_Aside._) Hang me if I know! (_Aloud._) Of
Tabitha--I mean Elgitha, the wife of--Edmund--Sobersides--I should say
Ironsides! But without going quite so far back, madam, I confess I
often regret the days of those heavy old stage-coaches called
"High-flyers," "Eclipses," and "Rockets."
LADY (_smiling_). Because they went so slowly?
GENTLEMAN. Precisely. Still, it had its advantages--it gave one an
opportunity to make the acquaintance of one's travelling
companions--to establish a friendly feeling--perhaps one of a more
_tender_ nature! (_with a tender look at the LADY_).
LADY (_with a stare of astonishment_). Sir!
GENTLEMAN (_aside_). It's no use. I won't try any more! (_Aloud, and
in a more colloquial tone._) Besides, in a stage-coach there was
always the chance of one of those little adventures that so often
happened on the road!
LADY. You mean attacks by highwaymen, such as your _friend_
Mr.--Turpin--who had a weakness for putting respectable old ladies on
the kitchen fire? (_smiling satirically--then, changing her tone_). I
remember myself a certain event which happened some five or six years
ago when we were travelling.
GENTLEMAN. _We?_ You and your pa and ma, probably?
LADY. My husband and I!
GENTLEMAN. Husband? you are married, ma'am! actually, positively
married?
LADY. Alas, sir! (_sighing_).
GENTLEMAN (_aside_). I see! an unhappy union!--an ill-assorted
match--poor soul! (_Aloud._) Ah, madam, you are not the only one of
your too confiding sex who have found marriage a bed of roses--I mean,
of nettles, instead of one of nettles--I mean roses!
LADY. But, sir--you mistake--alas, sir, I am a widow!
GENTLEMAN. A widow? I'm delighted to hear it! No, I'm not! of course
not! I deeply sympathize with you--as I always do with widows--I know
what it is myself. But you mustn't give way--you'll get used to it in
time--like the eels--no, not like the eels--but you were about to
mention some adventure which happened to you while travelling
with--the late lamented. (_Noise heard of train gradually
stopping--engine, railway-bell, whistle, etc._)
VOICE (_outside, gradually approaching_). "Slough! Slough! change for
Windsor; all tickets ready."
GENTLEMAN (_angrily_). All tickets ready! these railway companies are
perfectly absurd, with their mania for examining tickets! (_feeling in
his pocket_).
LADY (_smiling_). Another advantage of the good old coaching days!
GENTLEMAN. Yes, quite so! (_feeling again in his pockets, one after
the other_). Ah! here it is--no, it isn't--how very odd; now I've got
it--no, I haven't! (_diving in his pockets again_).
LADY. I'm afraid you've lost your ticket, sir.
GENTLEMAN. Oh no! I haven't _lost_ it--only I can't find it!
LADY. You may have dropped it? (_looking about on floor_).
GENTLEMAN. Pray don't trouble yourself; I shall be sure to find
it--(_aside_) as soon as I've paid for another! (_Aloud._) I'll just
speak to the station-master. Excuse me a moment? (_LADY bows,
GENTLEMAN exit at C., and disappears towards L. H._)
LADY. Poor fellow! no wonder he dislikes railways if he's in the habit
of losing his ticket every time he travels!
_GUARD appears at door C._
GUARD (_to LADY_). Ticket, please, ma'am? (_Takes ticket, and returns
it to LADY._) Thank you, ma'am. (_Seeing the GENTLEMAN'S bag, etc., on
seat._) These things belong to you, ma'am?
LADY. Oh no!
GUARD. Has any one left this carriage?
LADY. Yes! a gentleman--not a minute ago.
GUARD (_sulkily_). How can I examine people's tickets when they get
out at every station?
LADY. He fancies he has lost his ticket.
GUARD (_suspiciously_). Lost his ticket?--what a pity! (_Aside._)
That's an old dodge! (_Aloud._) Is the gentleman one of your party,
ma'am?
LADY. Oh dear no! only so far as we are journeying in the same
compartment.
GUARD (_examining the GENTLEMAN'S bag_). No name on his
travelling-bag--that's queer! We're expected to keep both eyes open on
this line, ma'am--only yesterday we nabbed a desperate bank forger at
this very station; and we're on the lookout for an escaped convict
to-day!
LADY (_aside_). An escaped convict? that dreadful Mr. Burkshaw, no
doubt? Not a very cheerful subject of conversation--I'm really getting
quite nervous! (_collecting her packages and rising_).
GUARD. Going to get out, ma'am?
LADY. Yes, I should prefer the ladies' compartment.
GUARD. No room there, ma'am; eight of 'em already, besides babies!
LADY. I may get into another carriage, I presume?
GUARD. Certainly, ma'am. Good-day, ma'am (_goes out at door_).
LADY. Stop! stop! Help me out! Guard! guard! (_calling_).
GUARD (_outside_). Can't stop now, ma'am. Train just going on.
LADY. This is really too bad! Can't even change carriages on this
line, which seems to be especially patronized by the criminal classes!
But pshaw! I'm alarming myself unnecessarily. Is it likely that this
gentleman--and he _is_ a gentleman--who seems to be on intimate terms
with the wife of Edmund Ironsides--can possibly have any connection
with-- How absurd of me! I really ought to be ashamed of myself.
(_Seeing the paper-knife which the GENTLEMAN has left on seat._) What
a strange-looking paper-knife--quite a formidable weapon! _Is_ it a
paper-knife? it looks more like a stiletto! (_Taking up paper-knife
very carefully between her finger and thumb, and then quickly dropping
it again_). Such an instrument as that was never made to cut _leaves!_
It looks much adapted to-- (_Shuddering._) How ridiculous of me! My
silly fears are running away with me again. Ha, ha, ha! (_forcing a
laugh_).
GUARD (_without_). Take your seats!
_GENTLEMAN hurries in at C. The LADY suddenly stops laughing, and
gets as far as she can into her corner._
GENTLEMAN. I've found my ticket! I knew I should the moment I bought
another. (_Takes his seat. To the LADY_). Where do you suppose it
was?--you'll never guess. In my purse, where I always put my tickets!
Ha, ha, ha!
LADY (_aside_). He _had_ a ticket, then?
GENTLEMAN. It is very kind of you to interest yourself in the
misfortunes of a stranger (_bowing_).
LADY. Is it not natural?
GENTLEMAN. It seems to be so to _you,_ madam (_bowing again and moving
a little towards LADY, who retreats_).
LADY (_aside_). If I could only induce him to remove his
travelling-cap--not that I should discover the slightest scar on _his_
forehead--I should then be completely reassured. (_Suddenly._) Pardon
me--is not that a friend of yours bowing to you on the other platform?
(_indicating the audience_).
GENTLEMAN. Bowing to me? where? (_putting his hand to his cap_).
LADY (_pointing_). There! (_Aside._) Now for it!
GENTLEMAN (_lowering his hand again without removing his cap_). No,
ma'am, I don't know him; besides, he's not bowing to me.
LADY (_aside_). That's a failure!
GENTLEMAN. Holloa! Somebody's been moving my things!
LADY. Yes, the guard!--he seemed curious--I might say _anxious_--to
ascertain if your name was on your travelling-bag!
GENTLEMAN. Very inquisitive of him! Why should I make my name public
property?--there may be reasons why I should _not!_--pressing reasons!
You can understand that, madam?
LADY. Y--es! I'm afraid I can--I mean, of course I can!
GENTLEMAN. But, as I was saying, the interest you have so kindly taken
in me--a perfect stranger--
LADY (_very quickly_). Not at all, sir; on the contrary! No--that is--
GENTLEMAN. Permit me to continue. That interest, I repeat, comes
naturally to _you,_ blessed, as I'm sure you are, with so sweet, so
gentle, so affectionate a disposition.
LADY (_very quickly_). Quite the reverse, I assure you, sir--I've a
dreadful temper!
GENTLEMAN. Again: that charming hand is not less characteristic; it
requires but one glance at those delicately tapered fingers-- (_About
to take her hand; LADY hastily withdraws it._)
LADY (_aside_). I do believe the man's going to make love to me!
GENTLEMAN. But stay: I see one line here that is singularly prominent;
permit me (_taking LADY'S hand_).
LADY (_aside_). I'm quite at his mercy! Not the slightest use my
screaming!
GENTLEMAN (_looking at her hand_). Yes, a very sudden intersection,
threatening, I fear, some personal danger.
LADY (_alarmed_). Yes, very likely! (_Aside._) How intently he fixes
his eyes on my diamond ring!
GENTLEMAN. But were you not saying that you had once been exposed to
some peril in travelling?
LADY. Yes; but I was not _alone_ then.
GENTLEMAN. The "late lamented," I presume?
LADY. Yes; we were attacked by robbers in crossing the Pyrenees!
(_Very quickly._) Not that I particularly object to robbers! In fact,
I rather like them! (_Aside._) I may as well try what a little
flattery will do.
GENTLEMAN (_still holding her hand_). You have a remarkably fine
diamond here, madam!
LADY. Yes, a very good _imitation,_ isn't it?
GENTLEMAN. Excuse me. I cannot mistake a diamond--no, no; I've had too
many pass through my hands to do that!
LADY (_aside_). I'm afraid he has!
GENTLEMAN. And yet there's a flaw in it--if you'll allow me, I'll
point it out to you. (_Looking about, then suddenly taking up the
paper-knife; the LADY screams._) I'm afraid I alarmed you!
LADY (_trying to be calm_). Oh dear no! and if you've quite done
examining my hand--
GENTLEMAN. Quite, madam! (_releasing her hand_).
LADY. And you detect no further threatening of--personal danger?
GENTLEMAN. None whatever!
LADY. Then you are a believer in spiritualism and phrenology, and all
that sort of thing?
GENTLEMAN. Certainly I am! May I ask, madam, if you have ever examined
the head of a criminal?
LADY (_shocked_). Never, sir!
GENTLEMAN. Perhaps you have never even been brought into personal
contact with one?
LADY. Certainly not, sir; though I'm sure I should feel the greatest
pity for him--I should, indeed! (_in a commiserating tone_).
GENTLEMAN. Understand me; I don't allude to the _milder_ class of
criminals, such as thieves, robbers, forgers, burglars, and such like;
but one of those desperate fellows who--who--in fact, who _stick at
nothing!_ By-the-bye, I have a collection here of photographs of some
of our most notorious criminals, which I think would interest you.
LADY (_shuddering_). Yes--intensely!
GENTLEMAN (_opening his travelling-bag_). Ah! (_producing a revolver_)
there's rather a curious story connected with this revolver!
LADY (_alarmed, and trying to look unconcerned_). Indeed?
GENTLEMAN. I never travel without one--every chamber loaded and ready
for use, so that I have six lives at my disposal--a very comfortable
feeling to have! Don't you think so?
LADY. Yes, very much so, indeed!
GENTLEMAN. Here are the photographs (_producing packet_); here is one
of them (_about to show a portrait_). No, I make a mistake; this is
one of myself.
LADY (_aghast_). Yours?
GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). Yes! this is the one! (_presenting a second
portrait_). You'll observe a remarkable protuberance of this part of
the skull (_pointing to it_); that's the organ of destructiveness. I
have it myself, only not _quite_ so strongly developed! (_touching his
head_); don't you perceive it?
LADY. Yes--I--see! But I confess I cannot understand how _you_ happen
to be in possession of these _remarkably interesting_--works of art?
GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). A very simple matter--my occupation
necessitates my associating with this particular class of "her
Majesty's subjects"--as I happen to be--
LADY (_quickly_). Hush! I know! You need not tell me!
GENTLEMAN (_anxiously_). What is the matter? You are positively
trembling--with cold, no doubt! Allow me to wrap this rug round you.
LADY. No, no!
GENTLEMAN. Nay, I insist! (_placing his rug round LADY'S feet_).
LADY. But you will feel the want of it yourself, especially as it
seems you have passed the night in the train!
GENTLEMAN. Exactly! Six hours ago I was in Dartmoor Prison!
LADY. Dartmoor! (_Aside._) He confesses it!
GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). Not a very attractive residence. I would gladly
have left it before, but, unfortunately, I was detained!
LADY. Detained!
GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). I may say _chained_ to it--by my confounded
profession!
LADY (_aside_). He calls it a _profession!_
GENTLEMAN. There's no saying how long the Home Secretary might have
kept me there; but I couldn't stand it any longer, so I managed to
make my escape, and now I'm free once more!
LADY (_suddenly starting up with a scream_). Stop, sir! Don't say any
more! Have pity on me, for mercy's sake! (_falling on her knees and
clasping her hands_).
GENTLEMAN (_astounded_). My dear madam--
LADY (_hysterically_). I know who you are; I know all about the scar
on your forehead! But I won't betray you--I won't, indeed! Here, take
my purse!--take my watch! (_thrusting the articles into the
GENTLEMAN'S hands_)--_all_ I have, good Mr. Burkshaw!--but spare my
life!
GENTLEMAN. Your life? Mr. Burkshaw? What--what do you mean?
LADY. Mercy! mercy!
GENTLEMAN (_seriously_). My dear madam! Pray compose yourself! You
have evidently fallen into some strange error; in a word, I happen to
be--
LADY. Yes, yes! I know who you happen to be! Take my advice and jump
out of the train!
GENTLEMAN (_astonished_). Jump out of the train? Madam, your strange
conduct compels me to be serious! In a word, I have the honor to be a
Government inspector of prisons!
LADY. Eh? What? You--an inspector of prisons?
GENTLEMAN. Yes, madam (_taking off his cap and bowing to LADY_).
LADY (_eagerly looking at GENTLEMAN'S forehead_). And--you _haven't_
got a scar on your forehead? Oh, sir! if you only knew how delighted I
am that you haven't got a scar on your forehead!
GENTLEMAN (_bewildered_). A scar on my forehead? (_feeling his
forehead_). But may I ask what has suggested to you all these notions
about thieves and robbers?
LADY. Why, you've been talking about nothing else for the last quarter
of an hour!
GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). I beg your pardon. You certainly first began
the conversation about these--_gentlemen._
LADY. Because you said that you associated with them.
GENTLEMAN. Naturally, as an inspector of prisons.
LADY. Then those portraits--in your possession?
GENTLEMAN. Were taken merely to forward the ends of justice!
LADY (_with a sigh of relief_). I understand it all! I can laugh at my
folly now, which entirely arose from this silly newspaper
paragraph--the sole cause of all my absurd terror.
GENTLEMAN. What newspaper paragraph?
LADY. Read this, sir (_giving him newspaper_).
GENTLEMAN (_looking at paper, and then giving way to a loud laugh_).
Ha, ha, ha! Why, my dear madam, this is quite an old story! Our
interesting friend, Mr. Burkshaw, happened to be shot in attempting
his escape from Dartmoor more than twelve months ago! (_Looking at
date of newspaper._) Of course, this paper is a year old--December,
1884!
LADY. So it is! Oh, sir! what must you think of me?
GENTLEMAN (_in a tender tone_). May I tell you? That you are the most
charming travelling companion-- (_Here noise of train stopping,
engine, railway-whistle, etc., heard._)
VOICE (_outside_). Paddington! Paddington! (_LADY and GENTLEMAN both
rise._)
GENTLEMAN (_gallantly_). I am staying some time in London, madam. Will
you permit me to call upon you, if only to remove from your mind any
lingering doubt as to my perfect identity?
LADY. With pleasure, sir! (_Suddenly, and in a very gracious tone._)
Oh, sir! how _very_ good of you to be a Government inspector of
prisons! (_holding out her hand to GENTLEMAN, who takes it and raises
it to his lips_).
VOICE (_again heard_). Paddington! (_The GENTLEMAN and LADY gather
their packages and bow to each other as the CURTAIN FALLS._)
TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.
_An Original Comedietta, in One Act._
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
SIR FELIX FRITTERLY.
ARTHUR VALLANCE.
COLONEL COSEY.
LADY FRITTERLY.
MYRTLE VANE.
SCENE.--Sir Felix Fritterly's Country-house.
_A handsomely furnished apartment. Bay-window (practicable) with
curtains at R. U. E., conservatory C., doors R. and L., couch at R.
C., chairs, piano, etc. COLONEL discovered lying on couch, his
handkerchief over his head--ARTHUR VALLANCE in morning costume._
ARTH. (_looking at COLONEL_). Still asleep! And yet I must awake him
(_striking a very loud chord on the piano_).