(_Compiled for the use of Orators during the Month of May Mouthings_)
_Question._ You are accustomed to take the chair at a public dinner?
_Answer._ Yes. Or, to speak by the card, a dinner for the rest of the
company.
_Q._ Why, do you not partake of the good cheer before you with the rest
of your convives?
_A._ Certainly not. I have to speak later on--a consideration which
entirely destroys my appetite.
_Q._ Is there anything new to be said in the loyal toasts?
_A._ No; and therefore it is better to return to the simplest form,
which is sure to be received with heartfelt enthusiasm.
_Q._ What can be said about the united service?
_A._ That it is absolutely delightful to expend millions in the
furtherance of their interests.
_Q._ And can anything interesting be put in about the Houses of
Parliament?
_A._ Not much. Sneers at the Lords are no longer popular, and the Lower
House is too respectable to be anything but a dull subject.
_Q._ What about the toast of the evening?
_A._ That must be left to the secretary, who will furnish the chairman
with the necessary facts, which may be mixed with original remarks,
two-thirds humorous to one-third pathetic.
_Q._ How are the visitors to be treated?
_A._ With fulsome eulogy or comic depreciation inspired by the pages of
that excellent manual, _Who's Who_. Particular attention can be paid to
the entries under "Recreations" in that admirable work, for appropriate
chaff.
_Q._ And in what terms does a chairman respond to the toast of his own
health?
_A._ In a few muttered words addressed to an audience composed of a
gentleman fast asleep, the toast-master, and the waiters.
* * * * *
[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.--"I say, old chap, it's short notice, but
_do_ come and dine this next Thursday!" "Can't, dear old man. I'm
engaged three deep for the night!" "Oh, sorry! I've got the Duke and
Duchess of Runnymede, and Lord Savory!" "Oh,"--(_seeing it in quite a
different light_)--"_next_ Thursday, did you say? I thought you said
Thursday _week_. Oh, yes, I shall be delighted!"
[_Their Graces and Lord S. never turned up, after all!_]]
* * * * *
[Illustration: REASSURING
"Lor' bless yer, sir, that's all right, sir! _That_ ain't a fly,
sir!--_that's_ a bit of dirt!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BREAKING THE ICE
_Sprightly Lady._ "Mr. Dormers, would you oblige me with----"
_Bashful Curate_ (_who had scarcely spoken to his fair neighbour_). "O,
certainly. What shall I have the pleasure to offer?----"
_Lady._ "----a remark!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE CONNOISSEUR.--_Host_ (_smacking his lips_). "There,
my boy, what do you think of that? I thought I'd give you a treat.
That's '34 port, sir!" _Guest._ "Ah, and a very nice, sound wine, I
should say! I believe it's quite as good as some I gave 37s. for the
other day."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A GENTLE SNUB.--"Here, waiter--quick! Something to
eat--and look sharp!" "Yessir. What'll you 'ave, sir?" "Oh--anything--I
don't care. Chop or steak--whatever you like." "You must excuse me, sir;
but I don't feel called upon to decide!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE WAY WE LIVE NOW
TIME--3 P.M. SCENE--_Club_.
_First Gilded Youth._ "Had any breakfast, old chappie?"
_Second Gilded Youth._ "Yes. Had an egg beaten up at twelve."
_First Gilded Youth_ (_in admiration_). "Doose you did! What a
constitution you must have!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FIRST ASPARAGUS OF THE SEASON
_Farmer_ (_at market dinner_). "Wull, gen'elmen, I dunno wot be the
c'rect way o' servin' these 'ere, but I gen'elly eats just the ends of
'em myself!"
[_Helps himself to the tops!_]]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE GENIAL SEASON
_Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). "So glad to
see you enjoying yourself!"
_Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). "Wrong again, old man. I'm enjoying
my dinner!"]
* * * * *