_Swell._ Waiter! This--ah--chop's vewy dwy!
_Waiter._ 'Ndeed, sir? Perhaps if you were to order something to drink
with it, sir----
* * * * *
[Illustration: A REBUKE
_Host._ "Fish is very expensive, just now, I can tell you. This salmon
cost me two and sixpence a pound!"
_Guest_ (_no business of his_). "Ah, it's very good, I think I'll take
another eighteen penn'orth!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: CAUTION
_The Major._ "Don't you like liqueurs, Mrs. Jinks?"
_Mrs. Jinks._ "Yes; but they make one so _unreserved_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A BORN ORATOR (IN THE EAST)
_Farmer_ (_proposing landlord's health_). "An' if a' squiears 'ud _dew_
as our squiear _dew_, there wudna be so many on 'em as _dew_ as they
_dew dew_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NO EXCUSE FOR NOT BELIEVING.--"Then you don't believe in
phrenology?" "No, rather not. I once gave one of those fellows a
sovereign to read my head, and, after feeling it a long time, all he
said was, that I had no idea of the value of money."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE PUT DIFFERENTLY.--_Mr.
Bumblepup._ "I must apologise for coming in ordinary evening dress."
_Hostess._ "Well, you really have the advantage of us. We're all looking
more foolish than usual, and you're not."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mr. Boreham_ (_in the thick of a long and pointless
story_). "Well, as I was saying, I happened to be in the City the other
day, and, as I was walking down Cheapside, whom should I meet but my old
friend, Stodgeley, whom I haven't seen for fifteen years. Well, what do
you think he did? He stopped dead when he saw me, slapped me on the
shoulder, and said, 'Surely this must be my dear old friend, Boreham?'"
_She_ (_with difficulty keeping awake_). "Yes?--_and was it_?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Hostess_ (_to friend who has been brought in to take
pot-luck_). "I'm afraid, Mr. Simpson, we've only got a very poor dinner
to offer you."
_Mr. Simpson._ "My dear Mrs. Jones, I beg you not to apologise! I assure
you I think it quite desirable to _underfeed_ occasionally!"]
* * * * *