“I resume my pen to fly from thought. I was married; and we hastened to
London. I had purposed taking one of my sisters with me; for a strong
motive for marrying, was the desire of having a home at which I could
receive them, now their own grew so uncomfortable, as not to deserve
the cheering appellation. An objection was made to her accompanying me,
that appeared plausible; and I reluctantly acquiesced. I was however
willingly allowed to take with me Molly, poor Peggy’s daughter. London
and preferment, are ideas commonly associated in the country; and, as
blooming as May, she bade adieu to Peggy with weeping eyes. I did not
even feel hurt at the refusal in relation to my sister, till hearing
what my uncle had done for me, I had the simplicity to request,
speaking with warmth of their situation, that he would give them a
thousand pounds a-piece, which seemed to me but justice. He asked me,
giving me a kiss, ‘If I had lost my senses?’ I started back, as if I
had found a wasp in a rose-bush. I expostulated. He sneered: and the
demon of discord entered our paradise, to poison with his pestiferous
breath every opening joy.
“I had sometimes observed defects in my husband’s understanding; but,
led astray by a prevailing opinion, that goodness of disposition is of
the first importance in the relative situations of life, in proportion
as I perceived the narrowness of his understanding, fancy enlarged the
boundary of his heart. Fatal error! How quickly is the so much vaunted
milkiness of nature turned into gall, by an intercourse with the world,
if more generous juices do not sustain the vital source of virtue!
“One trait in my character was extreme credulity; but, when my eyes
were once opened, I saw but too clearly all I had before overlooked. My
husband was sunk in my esteem; still there are youthful emotions,
which, for a while, fill up the chasm of love and friendship. Besides,
it required some time to enable me to see his whole character in a just
light, or rather to allow it to become fixed. While circumstances were
ripening my faculties, and cultivating my taste, commerce and gross
relaxations were shutting his against any possibility of improvement,
till, by stifling every spark of virtue in himself, he began to imagine
that it no where existed.
“Do not let me lead you astray, my child, I do not mean to assert, that
any human being is entirely incapable of feeling the generous emotions,
which are the foundation of every true principle of virtue; but they
are frequently, I fear, so feeble, that, like the inflammable quality
which more or less lurks in all bodies, they often lie for ever
dormant; the circumstances never occurring, necessary to call them into
action.
“I discovered however by chance, that, in consequence of some losses in
trade, the natural effect of his gambling desire to start suddenly into
riches, the five thousand pounds given me by my uncle, had been paid
very opportunely. This discovery, strange as you may think the
assertion, gave me pleasure; my husband’s embarrassments endeared him
to me. I was glad to find an excuse for his conduct to my sisters, and
my mind became calmer.
“My uncle introduced me to some literary society; and the theatres were
a never-failing source of amusement to me. My delighted eye followed
Mrs. Siddons, when, with dignified delicacy, she played Califta; and I
involuntarily repeated after her, in the same tone, and with a
long-drawn sigh,
‘Hearts like our’s were pair’d—not match’d.’
“These were, at first, spontaneous emotions, though, becoming
acquainted with men of wit and polished manners, I could not sometimes
help regretting my early marriage; and that, in my haste to escape from
a temporary dependence, and expand my newly fledged wings, in an
unknown sky, I had been caught in a trap, and caged for life. Still the
novelty of London, and the attentive fondness of my husband, for he had
some personal regard for me, made several months glide away. Yet, not
forgetting the situation of my sisters, who were still very young, I
prevailed on my uncle to settle a thousand pounds on each; and to place
them in a school near town, where I could frequently visit, as well as
have them at home with me.
“I now tried to improve my husband’s taste, but we had few subjects in
common; indeed he soon appeared to have little relish for my society,
unless he was hinting to me the use he could make of my uncle’s wealth.
When we had company, I was disgusted by an ostentatious display of
riches, and I have often quitted the room, to avoid listening to
exaggerated tales of money obtained by lucky hits.
“With all my attention and affectionate interest, I perceived that I
could not become the friend or confident of my husband. Every thing I
learned relative to his affairs I gathered up by accident; and I vainly
endeavoured to establish, at our fire-side, that social converse, which
often renders people of different characters dear to each other.
Returning from the theatre, or any amusing party, I frequently began to
relate what I had seen and highly relished; but with sullen taciturnity
he soon silenced me. I seemed therefore gradually to lose, in his
society, the soul, the energies of which had just been in action. To
such a degree, in fact, did his cold, reserved manner affect me, that,
after spending some days with him alone, I have imagined myself the
most stupid creature in the world, till the abilities of some casual
visitor convinced me that I had some dormant animation, and sentiments
above the dust in which I had been groveling. The very countenance of
my husband changed; his complexion became sallow, and all the charms of
youth were vanishing with its vivacity.
“I give you one view of the subject; but these experiments and
alterations took up the space of five years; during which period, I had
most reluctantly extorted several sums from my uncle, to save my
husband, to use his own words, from destruction. At first it was to
prevent bills being noted, to the injury of his credit; then to bail
him; and afterwards to prevent an execution from entering the house. I
began at last to conclude, that he would have made more exertions of
his own to extricate himself, had he not relied on mine, cruel as was
the task he imposed on me; and I firmly determined that I would make
use of no more pretexts.
“From the moment I pronounced this determination, indifference on his
part was changed into rudeness, or something worse.
“He now seldom dined at home, and continually returned at a late hour,
drunk, to bed. I retired to another apartment; I was glad, I own, to
escape from his; for personal intimacy without affection, seemed, to me
the most degrading, as well as the most painful state in which a woman
of any taste, not to speak of the peculiar delicacy of fostered
sensibility, could be placed. But my husband’s fondness for women was
of the grossest kind, and imagination was so wholly out of the
question, as to render his indulgences of this sort entirely
promiscuous, and of the most brutal nature. My health suffered, before
my heart was entirely estranged by the loathsome information; could I
then have returned to his sullied arms, but as a victim to the
prejudices of mankind, who have made women the property of their
husbands? I discovered even, by his conversation, when intoxicated that
his favourites were wantons of the lowest class, who could by their
vulgar, indecent mirth, which he called nature, rouse his sluggish
spirits. Meretricious ornaments and manners were necessary to attract
his attention. He seldom looked twice at a modest woman, and sat silent
in their company; and the charms of youth and beauty had not the
slightest effect on his senses, unless the possessors were initiated in
vice. His intimacy with profligate women, and his habits of thinking,
gave him a contempt for female endowments; and he would repeat, when
wine had loosed his tongue, most of the common-place sarcasms levelled
at them, by men who do not allow them to have minds, because mind would
be an impediment to gross enjoyment. Men who are inferior to their
fellow men, are always most anxious to establish their superiority over
women. But where are these reflections leading me?
“Women who have lost their husband’s affection, are justly reproved for
neglecting their persons, and not taking the same pains to keep, as to
gain a heart; but who thinks of giving the same advice to men, though
women are continually stigmatized for being attached to fops; and from
the nature of their education, are more susceptible of disgust? Yet why
a woman should be expected to endure a sloven, with more patience than
a man, and magnanimously to govern herself, I cannot conceive; unless
it be supposed arrogant in her to look for respect as well as a
maintenance. It is not easy to be pleased, because, after promising to
love, in different circumstances, we are told that it is our duty. I
cannot, I am sure (though, when attending the sick, I never felt
disgust) forget my own sensations, when rising with health and spirit,
and after scenting the sweet morning, I have met my husband at the
breakfast table. The active attention I had been giving to domestic
regulations, which were generally settled before he rose, or a walk,
gave a glow to my countenance, that contrasted with his squallid
appearance. The squeamishness of stomach alone, produced by the last
night’s intemperance, which he took no pains to conceal, destroyed my
appetite. I think I now see him lolling in an arm-chair, in a dirty
powdering gown, soiled linen, ungartered stockings, and tangled hair,
yawning and stretching himself. The newspaper was immediately called
for, if not brought in on the tea-board, from which he would scarcely
lift his eyes while I poured out the tea, excepting to ask for some
brandy to put into it, or to declare that he could not eat. In answer
to any question, in his best humour, it was a drawling ‘What do you
say, child?’ But if I demanded money for the house expences, which I
put off till the last moment, his customary reply, often prefaced with
an oath, was, ‘Do you think me, madam, made of money?’—The butcher, the
baker, must wait; and, what was worse, I was often obliged to witness
his surly dismission of tradesmen, who were in want of their money, and
whom I sometimes paid with the presents my uncle gave me for my own
use.
“At this juncture my father’s mistress, by terrifying his conscience,
prevailed on him to marry her; he was already become a methodist; and
my brother, who now practised for himself, had discovered a flaw in the
settlement made on my mother’s children, which set it aside, and he
allowed my father, whose distress made him submit to any thing, a tithe
of his own, or rather our fortune.
“My sisters had left school, but were unable to endure home, which my
father’s wife rendered as disagreeable as possible, to get rid of girls
whom she regarded as spies on her conduct. They were accomplished, yet
you can (may you never be reduced to the same destitute state!)
scarcely conceive the trouble I had to place them in the situation of
governesses, the only one in which even a well-educated woman, with
more than ordinary talents, can struggle for a subsistence; and even
this is a dependence next to menial. Is it then surprising, that so
many forlorn women, with human passions and feelings, take refuge in
infamy? Alone in large mansions, I say alone, because they had no
companions with whom they could converse on equal terms, or from whom
they could expect the endearments of affection, they grew melancholy,
and the sound of joy made them sad; and the youngest, having a more
delicate frame, fell into a decline. It was with great difficulty that
I, who now almost supported the house by loans from my uncle, could
prevail on the _master_ of it, to allow her a room to die in. I watched
her sick bed for some months, and then closed her eyes, gentle spirit!
for ever. She was pretty, with very engaging manners; yet had never an
opportunity to marry, excepting to a very old man. She had abilities
sufficient to have shone in any profession, had there been any
professions for women, though she shrunk at the name of milliner or
mantua-maker as degrading to a gentlewoman. I would not term this
feeling false pride to any one but you, my child, whom I fondly hope to
see (yes; I will indulge the hope for a moment!) possessed of that
energy of character which gives dignity to any station; and with that
clear, firm spirit that will enable you to choose a situation for
yourself, or submit to be classed in the lowest, if it be the only one
in which you can be the mistress of your own actions.
“Soon after the death of my sister, an incident occurred, to prove to
me that the heart of a libertine is dead to natural affection; and to
convince me, that the being who has appeared all tenderness, to gratify
a selfish passion, is as regardless of the innocent fruit of it, as of
the object, when the fit is over. I had casually observed an old,
meanlooking woman, who called on my husband every two or three months
to receive some money. One day entering the passage of his little
counting-house, as she was going out, I heard her say, ‘The child is
very weak; she cannot live long, she will soon die out of your way, so
you need not grudge her a little physic.’
“‘So much the better,’ he replied,’ and pray mind your own business,
good woman.’
“I was struck by his unfeeling, inhuman tone of voice, and drew back,
determined when the woman came again, to try to speak to her, not out
of curiosity, I had heard enough, but with the hope of being useful to
a poor, outcast girl.
“A month or two elapsed before I saw this woman again; and then she had
a child in her hand that tottered along, scarcely able to sustain her
own weight. They were going away, to return at the hour Mr. Venables
was expected; he was now from home. I desired the woman to walk into
the parlour. She hesitated, yet obeyed. I assured her that I should not
mention to my husband (the word seemed to weigh on my respiration),
that I had seen her, or his child. The woman stared at me with
astonishment; and I turned my eyes on the squalid object [that
accompanied her.] She could hardly support herself, her complexion was
sallow, and her eyes inflamed, with an indescribable look of cunning,
mixed with the wrinkles produced by the peevishness of pain.
“Poor child!’ I exclaimed. ‘Ah! you may well say poor child,’ replied
the woman. ‘I brought her here to see whether he would have the heart
to look at her, and not get some advice. I do not know what they
deserve who nursed her. Why, her legs bent under her like a bow when
she came to me, and she has never been well since; but, if they were no
better paid than I am, it is not to be wondered at, sure enough.’
“On further enquiry I was informed, that this miserable spectacle was
the daughter of a servant, a country girl, who caught Mr. Venables’
eye, and whom he seduced. On his marriage he sent her away, her
situation being too visible. After her delivery, she was thrown on the
town; and died in an hospital within the year. The babe was sent to a
parish-nurse, and afterwards to this woman, who did not seem much
better; but what was to be expected from such a close bargain? She was
only paid three shillings a week for board and washing.
“The woman begged me to give her some old clothes for the child,
assuring me, that she was almost afraid to ask master for money to buy
even a pair of shoes.
“I grew sick at heart. And, fearing Mr. Venables might enter, and
oblige me to express my abhorrence, I hastily enquired where she lived,
promised to pay her two shillings a week more, and to call on her in a
day or two; putting a trifle into her hand as a proof of my good
intention.
“If the state of this child affected me, what were my feelings at a
discovery I made respecting Peggy—?”[7]
[7] The manuscript is imperfect here. An episode seems to have been
intended, which was never committed to paper. EDITOR. [Godwin’s note]