“I have perhaps dwelt too long on a circumstance, which is only of
importance as it marks the progress of a deception that has been so
fatal to my peace; and introduces to your notice a poor girl, whom,
intending to serve, I led to ruin. Still it is probable that I was not
entirely the victim of mistake; and that your father, gradually
fashioned by the world, did not quickly become what I hesitate to call
him—out of respect to my daughter.
“But, to hasten to the more busy scenes of my life. Mr. Venables and my
mother died the same summer; and, wholly engrossed by my attention to
her, I thought of little else. The neglect of her darling, my brother
Robert, had a violent effect on her weakened mind; for, though boys may
be reckoned the pillars of the house without doors, girls are often the
only comfort within. They but too frequently waste their health and
spirits attending a dying parent, who leaves them in comparative
poverty. After closing, with filial piety, a father’s eyes, they are
chased from the paternal roof, to make room for the first-born, the
son, who is to carry the empty family-name down to posterity; though,
occupied with his own pleasures, he scarcely thought of discharging, in
the decline of his parent’s life, the debt contracted in his childhood.
My mother’s conduct led me to make these reflections. Great as was the
fatigue I endured, and the affection my unceasing solicitude evinced,
of which my mother seemed perfectly sensible, still, when my brother,
whom I could hardly persuade to remain a quarter of an hour in her
chamber, was with her alone, a short time before her death, she gave
him a little hoard, which she had been some years accumulating.
“During my mother’s illness, I was obliged to manage my father’s
temper, who, from the lingering nature of her malady, began to imagine
that it was merely fancy. At this period, an artful kind of upper
servant attracted my father’s attention, and the neighbours made many
remarks on the finery, not honestly got, exhibited at evening service.
But I was too much occupied with my mother to observe any change in her
dress or behaviour, or to listen to the whisper of scandal.
“I shall not dwell on the death-bed scene, lively as is the
remembrance, or on the emotion produced by the last grasp of my
mother’s cold hand; when blessing me, she added, ‘A little patience,
and all will be over!’ Ah! my child, how often have those words rung
mournfully in my ears—and I have exclaimed—‘A little more patience, and
I too shall be at rest!’
“My father was violently affected by her death, recollected instances
of his unkindness, and wept like a child.
“My mother had solemnly recommended my sisters to my care, and bid me
be a mother to them. They, indeed, became more dear to me as they
became more forlorn; for, during my mother’s illness, I discovered the
ruined state of my father’s circumstances, and that he had only been
able to keep up appearances, by the sums which he borrowed of my uncle.
“My father’s grief, and consequent tenderness to his children, quickly
abated, the house grew still more gloomy or riotous; and my refuge from
care was again at Mr. Venables’; the young ‘squire having taken his
father’s place, and allowing, for the present, his sister to preside at
his table. George, though dissatisfied with his portion of the fortune,
which had till lately been all in trade, visited the family as usual.
He was now full of speculations in trade, and his brow became clouded
by care. He seemed to relax in his attention to me, when the presence
of my uncle gave a new turn to his behaviour. I was too unsuspecting,
too disinterested, to trace these changes to their source.
“My home every day became more and more disagreeable to me; my liberty
was unnecessarily abridged, and my books, on the pretext that they made
me idle, taken from me. My father’s mistress was with child, and he,
doating on her, allowed or overlooked her vulgar manner of tyrannizing
over us. I was indignant, especially when I saw her endeavouring to
attract, shall I say seduce? my younger brother. By allowing women but
one way of rising in the world, the fostering the libertinism of men,
society makes monsters of them, and then their ignoble vices are
brought forward as a proof of inferiority of intellect.
“The wearisomeness of my situation can scarcely be described. Though my
life had not passed in the most even tenour with my mother, it was
paradise to that I was destined to endure with my father’s mistress,
jealous of her illegitimate authority. My father’s former occasional
tenderness, in spite of his violence of temper, had been soothing to
me; but now he only met me with reproofs or portentous frowns. The
house-keeper, as she was now termed, was the vulgar despot of the
family; and assuming the new character of a fine lady, she could never
forgive the contempt which was sometimes visible in my countenance,
when she uttered with pomposity her bad English, or affected to be well
bred.
“To my uncle I ventured to open my heart; and he, with his wonted
benevolence, began to consider in what manner he could extricate me out
of my present irksome situation. In spite of his own disappointment,
or, most probably, actuated by the feelings that had been petrified,
not cooled, in all their sanguine fervour, like a boiling torrent of
lava suddenly dash ing into the sea, he thought a marriage of mutual
inclination (would envious stars permit it) the only chance for
happiness in this disastrous world. George Venables had the reputation
of being attentive to business, and my father’s example gave great
weight to this circumstance; for habits of order in business would, he
conceived, extend to the regulation of the affections in domestic life.
George seldom spoke in my uncle’s company, except to utter a short,
judicious question, or to make a pertinent remark, with all due
deference to his superior judgment; so that my uncle seldom left his
company without observing, that the young man had more in him than
people supposed.
“In this opinion he was not singular; yet, believe me, and I am not
swayed by resentment, these speeches so justly poized, this silent
deference, when the animal spirits of other young people were throwing
off youthful ebullitions, were not the effect of thought or humility,
but sheer barrenness of mind, and want of imagination. A colt of mettle
will curvet and shew his paces. Yes; my dear girl, these prudent young
men want all the fire necessary to ferment their faculties, and are
characterized as wise, only because they are not foolish. It is true,
that George was by no means so great a favourite of mine as during the
first year of our acquaintance; still, as he often coincided in opinion
with me, and echoed my sentiments; and having myself no other
attachment, I heard with pleasure my uncle’s proposal; but thought more
of obtaining my freedom, than of my lover. But, when George, seemingly
anxious for my happiness, pressed me to quit my present painful
situation, my heart swelled with gratitude—I knew not that my uncle had
promised him five thousand pounds.
“Had this truly generous man mentioned his intention to me, I should
have insisted on a thousand pounds being settled on each of my sisters;
George would have contested; I should have seen his selfish soul;
and—gracious God! have been spared the misery of discovering, when too
late, that I was united to a heartless, unprincipled wretch. All my
schemes of usefulness would not then have been blasted. The tenderness
of my heart would not have heated my imagination with visions of the
ineffable delight of happy love; nor would the sweet duty of a mother
have been so cruelly interrupted.
“But I must not suffer the fortitude I have so hardly acquired, to be
undermined by unavailing regret. Let me hasten forward to describe the
turbid stream in which I had to wade—but let me exultingly declare that
it is passed—my soul holds fellowship with him no more. He cut the
Gordian knot, which my principles, mistaken ones, respected; he
dissolved the tie, the fetters rather, that ate into my very vitals—and
I should rejoice, conscious that my mind is freed, though confined in
hell itself, the only place that even fancy can imagine more dreadful
than my present abode.
“These varying emotions will not allow me to proceed. I heave sigh
after sigh; yet my heart is still oppressed. For what am I reserved?
Why was I not born a man, or why was I born at all?”