“Addressing these memoirs to you, my child, uncertain whether I shall
ever have an opportunity of instructing you, many observations will
probably flow from my heart, which only a mother—a mother schooled in
misery, could make.
“The tenderness of a father who knew the world, might be great; but
could it equal that of a mother—of a mother, labouring under a portion
of the misery, which the constitution of society seems to have entailed
on all her kind? It is, my child, my dearest daughter, only such a
mother, who will dare to break through all restraint to provide for
your happiness—who will voluntarily brave censure herself, to ward off
sorrow from your bosom. From my narrative, my dear girl, you may gather
the instruction, the counsel, which is meant rather to exercise than
influence your mind.—Death may snatch me from you, before you can weigh
my advice, or enter into my reasoning: I would then, with fond anxiety,
lead you very early in life to form your grand principle of action, to
save you from the vain regret of having, through irresolution, let the
spring-tide of existence pass away, unimproved, unenjoyed.—Gain
experience—ah! gain it—while experience is worth having, and acquire
sufficient fortitude to pursue your own happiness; it includes your
utility, by a direct path. What is wisdom too often, but the owl of the
goddess, who sits moping in a desolated heart; around me she shrieks,
but I would invite all the gay warblers of spring to nestle in your
blooming bosom.—Had I not wasted years in deliberating, after I ceased
to doubt, how I ought to have acted—I might now be useful and
happy.—For my sake, warned by my example, always appear what you are,
and you will not pass through existence without enjoying its genuine
blessings, love and respect.
“Born in one of the most romantic parts of England, an enthusiastic
fondness for the varying charms of nature is the first sentiment I
recollect; or rather it was the first consciousness of pleasure that
employed and formed my imagination.
“My father had been a captain of a man of war; but, disgusted with the
service, on account of the preferment of men whose chief merit was
their family connections or borough interest, he retired into the
country; and, not knowing what to do with himself—married. In his
family, to regain his lost consequence, he determined to keep up the
same passive obedience, as in the vessels in which he had commanded.
His orders were not to be disputed; and the whole house was expected to
fly, at the word of command, as if to man the shrouds, or mount aloft
in an elemental strife, big with life or death. He was to be
instantaneously obeyed, especially by my mother, whom he very
benevolently married for love; but took care to remind her of the
obligation, when she dared, in the slightest instance, to question his
absolute authority. My eldest brother, it is true, as he grew up, was
treated with more respect by my father; and became in due form the
deputy-tyrant of the house. The representative of my father, a being
privileged by nature—a boy, and the darling of my mother, he did not
fail to act like an heir apparent. Such indeed was my mother’s
extravagant partiality, that, in comparison with her affection for him,
she might be said not to love the rest of her children. Yet none of the
children seemed to have so little affection for her. Extreme indulgence
had rendered him so selfish, that he only thought of himself; and from
tormenting insects and animals, he became the despot of his brothers,
and still more of his sisters.
“It is perhaps difficult to give you an idea of the petty cares which
obscured the morning of my life; continual restraint in the most
trivial matters; unconditional submission to orders, which, as a mere
child, I soon discovered to be unreasonable, because inconsistent and
contradictory. Thus are we destined to experience a mixture of
bitterness, with the recollection of our most innocent enjoyments.
“The circumstances which, during my childhood, occurred to fashion my
mind, were various; yet, as it would probably afford me more pleasure
to revive the fading remembrance of newborn delight, than you, my
child, could feel in the perusal, I will not entice you to stray with
me into the verdant meadow, to search for the flowers that youthful
hopes scatter in every path; though, as I write, I almost scent the
fresh green of spring—of that spring which never returns!
“I had two sisters, and one brother, younger than myself, my brother
Robert was two years older, and might truly be termed the idol of his
parents, and the torment of the rest of the family. Such indeed is the
force of prejudice, that what was called spirit and wit in him, was
cruelly repressed as forwardness in me.
“My mother had an indolence of character, which prevented her from
paying much attention to our education. But the healthy breeze of a
neighbouring heath, on which we bounded at pleasure, volatilized the
humours that improper food might have generated. And to enjoy open air
and freedom, was paradise, after the unnatural restraint of our
fireside, where we were often obliged to sit three or four hours
together, without daring to utter a word, when my father was out of
humour, from want of employment, or of a variety of boisterous
amusement. I had however one advantage, an instructor, the brother of
my father, who, intended for the church, had of course received a
liberal education. But, becoming attached to a young lady of great
beauty and large fortune, and acquiring in the world some opinions not
consonant with the profession for which he was designed, he accepted,
with the most sanguine expectations of success, the offer of a nobleman
to accompany him to India, as his confidential secretary.
“A correspondence was regularly kept up with the object of his
affection; and the intricacies of business, peculiarly wearisome to a
man of a romantic turn of mind, contributed, with a forced absence, to
increase his attachment. Every other passion was lost in this
master-one, and only served to swell the torrent. Her relations, such
were his waking dreams, who had despised him, would court in their turn
his alliance, and all the blandishments of taste would grace the
triumph of love.—While he basked in the warm sunshine of love,
friendship also promised to shed its dewy freshness; for a friend, whom
he loved next to his mistress, was the confident, who forwarded the
letters from one to the other, to elude the observation of prying
relations. A friend false in similar circumstances, is, my dearest
girl, an old tale; yet, let not this example, or the frigid caution of
coldblooded moralists, make you endeavour to stifle hopes, which are
the buds that naturally unfold themselves during the spring of life!
Whilst your own heart is sincere, always expect to meet one glowing
with the same sentiments; for to fly from pleasure, is not to avoid
pain!
“My uncle realized, by good luck, rather than management, a handsome
fortune; and returning on the wings of love, lost in the most
enchanting reveries, to England, to share it with his mistress and his
friend, he found them—united.
“There were some circumstances, not necessary for me to recite, which
aggravated the guilt of the friend beyond measure, and the deception,
that had been carried on to the last moment, was so base, it produced
the most violent effect on my uncle’s health and spirits. His native
country, the world! lately a garden of blooming sweets, blasted by
treachery, seemed changed into a parched desert, the abode of hissing
serpents. Disappointment rankled in his heart; and, brooding over his
wrongs, he was attacked by a raging fever, followed by a derangement of
mind, which only gave place to habitual melancholy, as he recovered
more strength of body.
“Declaring an intention never to marry, his relations were ever
clustering about him, paying the grossest adulation to a man, who,
disgusted with mankind, received them with scorn, or bitter sarcasms.
Something in my countenance pleased him, when I began to prattle. Since
his return, he appeared dead to affection; but I soon, by showing him
innocent fondness, became a favourite; and endeavouring to enlarge and
strengthen my mind, I grew dear to him in proportion as I imbibed his
sentiments. He had a forcible manner of speaking, rendered more so by a
certain impressive wildness of look and gesture, calculated to engage
the attention of a young and ardent mind. It is not then surprising
that I quickly adopted his opinions in preference, and reverenced him
as one of a superior order of beings. He inculcated, with great warmth,
self-respect, and a lofty consciousness of acting right, independent of
the censure or applause of the world; nay, he almost taught me to
brave, and even despise its censure, when convinced of the rectitude of
my own intentions.
“Endeavouring to prove to me that nothing which deserved the name of
love or friendship, existed in the world, he drew such animated
pictures of his own feelings, rendered permanent by disappointment, as
imprinted the sentiments strongly on my heart, and animated my
imagination. These remarks are necessary to elucidate some
peculiarities in my character, which by the world are indefinitely
termed romantic.
“My uncle’s increasing affection led him to visit me often. Still,
unable to rest in any place, he did not remain long in the country to
soften domestic tyranny; but he brought me books, for which I had a
passion, and they conspired with his conversation, to make me form an
ideal picture of life. I shall pass over the tyranny of my father, much
as I suffered from it; but it is necessary to notice, that it
undermined my mother’s health; and that her temper, continually
irritated by domestic bickering, became intolerably peevish.
“My eldest brother was articled to a neighbouring attorney, the
shrewdest, and, I may add, the most unprincipled man in that part of
the country. As my brother generally came home every Saturday, to
astonish my mother by exhibiting his attainments, he gradually assumed
a right of directing the whole family, not excepting my father. He
seemed to take a peculiar pleasure in tormenting and humbling me; and
if I ever ventured to complain of this treatment to either my father or
mother, I was rudely rebuffed for presuming to judge of the conduct of
my eldest brother.
“About this period a merchant’s family came to settle in our
neighbourhood. A mansion-house in the village, lately purchased, had
been preparing the whole spring, and the sight of the costly furniture,
sent from London, had excited my mother’s envy, and roused my father’s
pride. My sensations were very different, and all of a pleasurable
kind. I longed to see new characters, to break the tedious monotony of
my life; and to find a friend, such as fancy had pourtrayed. I cannot
then describe the emotion I felt, the Sunday they made their appearance
at church. My eyes were rivetted on the pillar round which I expected
first to catch a glimpse of them, and darted forth to meet a servant
who hastily preceded a group of ladies, whose white robes and waving
plumes, seemed to stream along the gloomy aisle, diffusing the light,
by which I contemplated their figures.
“We visited them in form; and I quickly selected the eldest daughter
for my friend. The second son, George, paid me particular attention,
and finding his attainments and manners superior to those of the young
men of the village, I began to imagine him superior to the rest of
mankind. Had my home been more comfortable, or my previous acquaintance
more numerous, I should not probably have been so eager to open my
heart to new affections.
“Mr. Venables, the merchant, had acquired a large fortune by
unremitting attention to business; but his health declining rapidly, he
was obliged to retire, before his son, George, had acquired sufficient
experience, to enable him to conduct their affairs on the same
prudential plan, his father had invariably pursued. Indeed, he had
laboured to throw off his authority, having despised his narrow plans
and cautious speculation. The eldest son could not be prevailed on to
enter the firm; and, to oblige his wife, and have peace in the house,
Mr. Venables had purchased a commission for him in the guards.
“I am now alluding to circumstances which came to my knowledge long
after; but it is necessary, my dearest child, that you should know the
character of your father, to prevent your despising your mother; the
only parent inclined to discharge a parent’s duty. In London, George
had acquired habits of libertinism, which he carefully concealed from
his father and his commercial connections. The mask he wore, was so
complete a covering of his real visage, that the praise his father
lavished on his conduct, and, poor mistaken man! on his principles,
contrasted with his brother’s, rendered the notice he took of me
peculiarly flattering. Without any fixed design, as I am now convinced,
he continued to single me out at the dance, press my hand at parting,
and utter expressions of unmeaning passion, to which I gave a meaning
naturally suggested by the romantic turn of my thoughts. His stay in
the country was short; his manners did not entirely please me; but,
when he left us, the colouring of my picture became more vivid—Whither
did not my imagination lead me? In short, I fancied myself in love—in
love with the disinterestedness, fortitude, generosity, dignity, and
humanity, with which I had invested the hero I dubbed. A circumstance
which soon after occurred, rendered all these virtues palpable. [The
incident is perhaps worth relating on other accounts, and therefore I
shall describe it distinctly.]
“I had a great affection for my nurse, old Mary, for whom I used often
to work, to spare her eyes. Mary had a younger sister, married to a
sailor, while she was suckling me; for my mother only suckled my eldest
brother, which might be the cause of her extraordinary partiality.
Peggy, Mary’s sister, lived with her, till her husband, becoming a mate
in a West-Indian trader, got a little before-hand in the world. He
wrote to his wife from the first port in the Channel, after his most
successful voyage, to request her to come to London to meet him; he
even wished her to determine on living there for the future, to save
him the trouble of coming to her the moment he came on shore; and to
turn a penny by keeping a green-stall. It was too much to set out on a
journey the moment he had finished a voyage, and fifty miles by land,
was worse than a thousand leagues by sea.
“She packed up her alls, and came to London—but did not meet honest
Daniel. A common misfortune prevented her, and the poor are bound to
suffer for the good of their country—he was pressed in the river—and
never came on shore.
“Peggy was miserable in London, not knowing, as she said, ‘the face of
any living soul.’ Besides, her imagination had been employed,
anticipating a month or six weeks’ happiness with her husband. Daniel
was to have gone with her to Sadler’s Wells, and Westminster Abbey, and
to many sights, which he knew she never heard of in the country. Peggy
too was thrifty, and how could she manage to put his plan in execution
alone? He had acquaintance; but she did not know the very name of their
places of abode. His letters were made up of—How do you does, and God
bless yous,—information was reserved for the hour of meeting.
“She too had her portion of information, near at heart. Molly and Jacky
were grown such little darlings, she was almost angry that daddy did
not see their tricks. She had not half the pleasure she should have had
from their prattle, could she have recounted to him each night the
pretty speeches of the day. Some stories, however, were stored up—and
Jacky could say papa with such a sweet voice, it must delight his
heart. Yet when she came, and found no Daniel to greet her, when Jacky
called papa, she wept, bidding ‘God bless his innocent soul, that did
not know what sorrow was.’—But more sorrow was in store for Peggy,
innocent as she was.—Daniel was killed in the first engagement, and
then the papa was agony, sounding to the heart.
“She had lived sparingly on his wages, while there was any hope of his
return; but, that gone, she returned with a breaking heart to the
country, to a little market town, nearly three miles from our village.
She did not like to go to service, to be snubbed about, after being her
own mistress. To put her children out to nurse was impossible: how far
would her wages go? and to send them to her husband’s parish, a distant
one, was to lose her husband twice over.
“I had heard all from Mary, and made my uncle furnish a little cottage
for her, to enable her to sell—so sacred was poor Daniel’s advice, now
he was dead and gone a little fruit, toys and cakes. The minding of the
shop did not require her whole time, nor even the keeping her children
clean, and she loved to see them clean; so she took in washing, and
altogether made a shift to earn bread for her children, still weeping
for Daniel, when Jacky’s arch looks made her think of his father.—It
was pleasant to work for her children.—‘Yes; from morning till night,
could she have had a kiss from their father, God rest his soul! Yes;
had it pleased Providence to have let him come back without a leg or an
arm, it would have been the same thing to her—for she did not love him
because he maintained them—no; she had hands of her own.’
“The country people were honest, and Peggy left her linen out to dry
very late. A recruiting party, as she supposed, passing through, made
free with a large wash; for it was all swept away, including her own
and her children’s little stock.
“This was a dreadful blow; two dozen of shirts, stocks and
handkerchiefs. She gave the money which she had laid by for half a
year’s rent, and promised to pay two shillings a week till all was
cleared; so she did not lose her employment. This two shillings a week,
and the buying a few necessaries for the children, drove her so hard,
that she had not a penny to pay her rent with, when a twelvemonth’s
became due.
“She was now with Mary, and had just told her tale, which Mary
instantly repeated—it was intended for my ear. Many houses in this
town, producing a borough-interest, were included in the estate
purchased by Mr. Venables, and the attorney with whom my brother lived,
was appointed his agent, to collect and raise the rents.
“He demanded Peggy’s, and, in spite of her intreaties, her poor goods
had been seized and sold. So that she had not, and what was worse her
children, ‘for she had known sorrow enough,’ a bed to lie on. She knew
that I was good-natured—right charitable, yet not liking to ask for
more than needs must, she scorned to petition while people could any
how be made to wait. But now, should she be turned out of doors, she
must expect nothing less than to lose all her customers, and then she
must beg or starve—and what would become of her children?—‘had Daniel
not been pressed—but God knows best—all this could not have happened.’
“I had two mattresses on my bed; what did I want with two, when such a
worthy creature must lie on the ground? My mother would be angry, but I
could conceal it till my uncle came down; and then I would tell him all
the whole truth, and if he absolved me, heaven would.
“I begged the house-maid to come up stairs with me (servants always
feel for the distresses of poverty, and so would the rich if they knew
what it was). She assisted me to tie up the mattrass; I discovering, at
the same time, that one blanket would serve me till winter, could I
persuade my sister, who slept with me, to keep my secret. She entering
in the midst of the package, I gave her some new feathers, to silence
her. We got the mattrass down the back stairs, unperceived, and I
helped to carry it, taking with me all the money I had, and what I
could borrow from my sister.
“When I got to the cottage, Peggy declared that she would not take what
I had brought secretly; but, when, with all the eager eloquence
inspired by a decided purpose, I grasped her hand with weeping eyes,
assuring her that my uncle would screen me from blame, when he was once
more in the country, describing, at the same time, what she would
suffer in parting with her children, after keeping them so long from
being thrown on the parish, she reluctantly consented.
“My project of usefulness ended not here; I determined to speak to the
attorney; he frequently paid me compliments. His character did not
intimidate me; but, imagining that Peggy must be mistaken, and that no
man could turn a deaf ear to such a tale of complicated distress, I
determined to walk to the town with Mary the next morning, and request
him to wait for the rent, and keep my secret, till my uncle’s return.
“My repose was sweet; and, waking with the first dawn of day, I bounded
to Mary’s cottage. What charms do not a light heart spread over nature!
Every bird that twittered in a bush, every flower that enlivened the
hedge, seemed placed there to awaken me to rapture—yes; to rapture. The
present moment was full fraught with happiness; and on futurity I
bestowed not a thought, excepting to anticipate my success with the
attorney.
“This man of the world, with rosy face and simpering features, received
me politely, nay kindly; listened with complacency to my remonstrances,
though he scarcely heeded Mary’s tears. I did not then suspect, that my
eloquence was in my complexion, the blush of seventeen, or that, in a
world where humanity to women is the characteristic of advancing
civilization, the beauty of a young girl was so much more interesting
than the distress of an old one. Pressing my hand, he promised to let
Peggy remain in the house as long as I wished.—I more than returned the
pressure—I was so grateful and so happy. Emboldened by my innocent
warmth, he then kissed me—and I did not draw back—I took it for a kiss
of charity.
“Gay as a lark, I went to dine at Mr. Venables’. I had previously
obtained five shillings from my father, towards re-clothing the poor
children of my care, and prevailed on my mother to take one of the
girls into the house, whom I determined to teach to work and read.
“After dinner, when the younger part of the circle retired to the music
room, I recounted with energy my tale; that is, I mentioned Peggy’s
distress, without hinting at the steps I had taken to relieve her. Miss
Venables gave me half-a-crown; the heir five shillings; but George sat
unmoved. I was cruelly distressed by the disappointment—I scarcely
could remain on my chair; and, could I have got out of the room
unperceived, I should have flown home, as if to run away from myself.
After several vain attempts to rise, I leaned my head against the
marble chimney-piece, and gazing on the evergreens that filled the
fire-place, moralized on the vanity of human expectations; regardless
of the company. I was roused by a gentle tap on my shoulder from behind
Charlotte’s chair. I turned my head, and George slid a guinea into my
hand, putting his finger to his mouth, to enjoin me silence.
“What a revolution took place, not only in my train of thoughts, but
feelings! I trembled with emotion—now, indeed, I was in love. Such
delicacy too, to enhance his benevolence! I felt in my pocket every
five minutes, only to feel the guinea; and its magic touch invested my
hero with more than mortal beauty. My fancy had found a basis to erect
its model of perfection on; and quickly went to work, with all the
happy credulity of youth, to consider that heart as devoted to virtue,
which had only obeyed a virtuous impulse. The bitter experience was yet
to come, that has taught me how very distinct are the principles of
virtue, from the casual feelings from which they germinate.”