Journeys to Königsberg, Stettin and Berlin, for the purpose of extending
my knowledge of men.
My external circumstances were becoming worse and worse. I was unwilling
any longer to adapt myself to my ordinary occupations, and found myself
therefore everywhere out of my sphere. On the other hand, I was also
unable in the place of my abode to satisfy sufficiently my favourite
inclination to the study of the sciences. So I determined to betake
myself to Germany, there to study medicine and, as opportunity offered,
other sciences also. But the question was, how such a long journey was
to be made. I knew indeed, that some merchants in the place of my abode
were soon to make a journey to Königsberg in Prussia; but I had only a
slight acquaintance with them, and could not therefore expect that they
would take me with them for nothing. After much deliberation I fell at
last upon a capital expedient.
I had among my friends a very learned and pious man, who stood in great
esteem among all the Jews of the town. To him I revealed my purpose, and
took him into counsel on the subject. I laid before him my miserable
circumstances, pointed out to him, that, as my inclinations had been
once directed to the knowledge of God and His works, I was no longer fit
for any ordinary occupation; and I represented to him especially, that I
was now obliged to support myself by my scholarship alone, as an
instructor in the Bible and the Talmud, which, according to the judgment
of some rabbis, was not altogether allowable. I explained to him, that
on this account I wished to study medicine as a profane art, by which
means I might be of service, not only to myself, but to the whole of the
Jews in this neighbourhood, as there was no regular physician here, and
those, who gave themselves out for such, were the most ignorant shavers,
who packed men out of the world by their cures.
These reasons produced an extraordinary effect on so devout a man. He
went to a merchant of his acquaintance, represented to him the
importance of my undertaking, and persuaded him to take me with him to
Königsberg on his own vessel. The merchant could refuse nothing to so
godly a man, and therefore gave his consent.
Accordingly I set out with this Jewish merchant for Königsberg in
Prussia. When I arrived there, I went to the Jewish medical doctor of
the place, opened to him my proposal to study medicine, and begged him
for advice and support. As his professional occupations prevented him
from conveniently speaking with me on the subject, and as he could not
understand me well at any rate, he referred me to some students who
lodged in his house. As soon as I showed myself to these young
gentlemen, and opened to them my proposal, they burst into loud
laughter. And certainly for this they were not to be blamed. Imagine a
man from Polish Lithuania of about five and twenty years, with a
tolerably stiff beard, in tattered dirty clothes, whose language is a
mixture of Hebrew, Jewish German, Polish and Russian, with their several
grammatical inaccuracies, who gives out that he understands the German
language, and that he has attained some knowledge of the sciences. What
were the young gentlemen to think?
They began to poke fun at me, and gave me to read Mendelssohn's
_Phaedo_, which by chance lay on the table. I read in the most pitiful
style, both on account of the peculiar manner in which I had learned the
German language, and on account of my bad pronunciation. Again they
burst into loud laughter; but they said, I must explain to them what I
had read. This I did in my own fashion; but as they did not understand
me, they demanded that I should translate what I had read into Hebrew.
This I did on the spot. The students, who understood Hebrew well, fell
into no slight astonishment, when they saw that I had not only grasped
correctly the meaning of this celebrated author, but also expressed it
happily in Hebrew. They began therefore to interest themselves on my
account, procured for me some cast-off clothing, and board during my
stay in Königsberg. At the same time they advised me to go to Berlin,
where I should best attain my object. To make the journey suit my
circumstances, however, they advised me to go by ship from Königsberg to
Stettin, and thence to Frankfurt on the Oder, from which place I should
easily find means of getting to Berlin.
I went therefore by ship, and had nothing for food but some toast, some
herring, and a flask of spirits. I was told in Königsberg, that the
journey might take ten or, at the most, fourteen days. This prophecy,
however, was not fulfilled. In consequence of contrary winds, the voyage
lasted five weeks. In what circumstances, therefore, I found myself, may
be easily imagined. There were in the vessel besides me no other
passengers, but an old woman, who sang hymns all the time for her
comfort. The Pomeranian German of the crew I could understand as little
as they could my medley of Jewish, Polish and Lithuanian. I got nothing
warm to eat the whole time, and was obliged to sleep on hard stuffed
bags. The vessel came also sometimes into danger. Of course the most of
the time I was seasick.
At last I arrived at Stettin, where I was told that I could make the
journey to Frankfurt quite pleasantly on foot. But how was a Polish Jew
in the most wretched circumstances, without a pfennig to buy food, and
without knowing the language of the country, to make a journey even of a
few miles? Yet it had to be done. Accordingly I set out from Stettin,
and as I thought over my miserable situation, I sat down under a
lime-tree, and began to weep bitterly. I soon became somewhat lighter in
heart; I took courage, and went on. After I had gone two or three miles,
towards evening I arrived at an inn thoroughly worn out. It was the eve
of the Jewish fast, which falls in August. Already I was nearly starving
with hunger and thirst, and I was to fast still the whole of the next
day. I had not a pfennig to spend and nothing of any value to sell.
After long reflection it occurred to me, that I must still have in my
coat-pocket an iron spoon, which I had taken with me on board ship. I
brought it, and begged the landlady of the inn to give me a little bread
and beer for it. She refused at first to take the spoon, but after much
importunity she was at last induced to grant a glass of sour beer in
exchange. I was obliged therefore to content myself with this, drank my
glass of beer, and went off to the stable to sleep on straw.
In the morning I proceeded on my journey, having previously inquired for
a place, where there were Jews, in order that I might be able to go into
the synagogue, and sing with my brethren the lamentations over the
destruction of Jerusalem. This was done, and after the prayers and
singing,--about midday,--I went to the Jewish schoolmaster of the place,
and held some conversation with him. He soon discovered that I was a
full rabbi, began to interest himself about me, and procured me a
supper at the house of a Jew. He also gave me a letter of introduction
to another schoolmaster in the neighbouring town, recommending me as a
great Talmudist and an honourable rabbi. Here also I met with a fair
reception. I was invited to the Sabbath dinner by the most respectable
and richest Jew of the place, and went into the synagogue, where I was
shown to the highest seat, and received every mark of honour usually
bestowed on a rabbi.
After the close of the service the rich Jew referred to took me to his
house, and put me in the place of honour at his table, that is between
himself and his daughter. She was a young girl of about twelve years,
dressed in the most beautiful style. I began, as rabbi, to hold a very
learned and edifying discourse; and the less the gentleman and lady
understood it, the more divine it seemed to them. All at once I
observed, to my chagrin, that the young lady began to put on a sour
look, and to make wry faces. At first I did not know how to explain
this; but, after a while, when I turned my eyes upon myself and my
miserable dirty suit of rags, the whole mystery was at once unriddled.
The uneasiness of the young lady had a very good cause. And how could it
be otherwise? Since I left Königsberg, about seven weeks before, I had
never had a clean shirt to put on; and I had been obliged to lie in the
stables of inns on bare straw, on which who knows how many poor
travellers had lain before? Now all at once my eyes were opened to see
my misery in its appalling magnitude. But what was I to do? How was I to
help myself out of this unfortunate situation? Gloomy and sad I soon
bade farewell to these good people, and proceeded on my journey to
Berlin under a continued struggle with want and misery of every kind.
At last I reached this city. Here I believed that I should put an end to
my misery, and accomplish all my wishes. But alas I was sadly deceived.
In this capital, as is well known, no Jewish beggars were allowed.
Accordingly the Jewish community of the place, in order to make
provision for their poor, have built at the Rosenthaler gate a house, in
which the poor are received, and questioned by the Jewish elders about
what they want in Berlin. According to the results of such inquiry, they
are either taken into the city, if they are sick or want employment, or
they are sent forward on their journey. I was therefore conducted to
this house, which was filled partly with sick people, partly with a lewd
rabble. For a long while I looked round in vain for a man, with whom I
might talk about my affairs.
At last I observed a man, who, to judge by his dress, was surely a
rabbi. I went to him, and how great was my joy to learn from him, that
he was really a rabbi, and pretty well known in Berlin! I conversed with
him on all sorts of subjects connected with rabbinical learning; and as
I was very open-hearted, I related to him the course of my life in
Poland, revealed to him my purpose of studying medicine in Berlin,
showed him my commentary on the _Moreh Nebhochim_, and so forth. He
listened to all, and seemed to interest himself very much in my behalf.
But all at once he disappeared out of sight.
At length towards evening came the Jewish elders. Each of the persons in
the house was called, and questioned about his wants. When my turn came,
I said quite frankly, that I wished to remain in Berlin, in order to
study medicine. The elders refused my request point-blank, gave me a
pittance in charity, and went away. The reason of this conduct towards
me in particular was nothing else than the following.
The rabbi, of whom I spoke, was a zealot in his orthodoxy. Accordingly
when he had discovered my sentiments and purposes, he went into town,
and informed the elders about my heretical mode of thinking. He told
them, that I was going to issue a new edition of the _Moreh Nebhochim_
with a commentary, and that my intention was not so much to study
medicine, but mainly to devote myself to the sciences in general, and to
extend my knowledge. This the orthodox Jews look upon as something
dangerous to religion and good morals. They believe this to be specially
true of the Polish rabbis, who, having by some lucky accident been
delivered from the bondage of superstition, suddenly catch a gleam of
the light of reason, and set themselves free from their chains. And
this belief is to some extent well-founded. Persons in such a position
may be compared to a man, who, after being famished for a long time,
suddenly comes upon a well spread table, who will attack the food with
violent greed, and fill himself even to surfeiting.
The refusal of permission to stay in Berlin came upon me like a
thunderclap. The ultimate object of all my hopes and wishes was all at
once removed beyond my reach, just when I had seen it so near. I found
myself in the situation of Tantalus, and did not know where to turn for
help. I was especially pained by the treatment I received from the
overseer of this poorhouse, who, by command of his superiors, urged my
speedy departure, and never left off till he saw me outside of the gate.
There I threw myself on the ground and began to weep bitterly. It was a
Sunday, and many people went, as usual, to walk outside of the city.
Most of them never turned aside to a whining worm like me, but some
compassionate souls were very much struck with the sight, and asked the
cause of my wailing. I answered them; but, partly on account of my
unintelligible language, partly because my speech was broken by frequent
weeping and sobbing, they could not understand what I said.
I was so deeply affected by this vexation, that I fell into a violent
fever. The soldiers, who kept guard at the gate, reported this at the
poorhouse. The overseer came, and carried me in. I stayed there over the
day, and made myself glad with the hope of becoming thoroughly sick, so
as to enforce a longer sojourn in the place, during which I thought I
might form some acquaintances, by whose influence I hoped to receive
protection and permission to remain in Berlin. But alas! in this hope I
was deceived. The following day I rose quite lively again without a
trace of fever. I was therefore obliged to go. But whither? That I did
not know myself. Accordingly I took the first road that I came upon, and
surrendered myself to fate.