"Jeeves," I said, "you're talking rot."
"Very good, sir."
"Absolute drivel."
"Very good, sir."
"Pure mashed potatoes."
"Very good, sir."
"Very good, sir--I mean very good, Jeeves; that will be all," I said.
And I drank a modicum of tea with a good deal of hauteur.
It isn't often that I find myself able to prove Jeeves in the wrong;
but by dinner time that night I was in a position to do so, and I did
it without delay.
"Touching on that matter we were touching on, Jeeves," I said, coming
in from the bath and tackling him as he studded the shirt, "I should be
glad if you would give me your careful attention for a moment. I warn
you that what I am about to say is going to make you look pretty silly."
"Indeed, sir?"
"Yes, Jeeves. Pretty dashed silly it's going to make you look. This
morning, if I remember rightly, you stated that Miss Wickham was
volatile, frivolous, and lacking in seriousness. Am I correct?"
"Quite correct, sir."
"Then what I have to tell you may cause you to alter that opinion. I
went for a walk with Miss Wickham this afternoon; and, as we walked
I told her about what young Tuppy Glossop did to me in the swimming
bath at the Drones'. She hung upon my words, Jeeves, and was full of
sympathy."
"Indeed, sir?"
"Dripping with it. And that's not all. Almost before I had finished she
was suggesting the ripest, fruitiest, brainiest scheme for bringing
young Tuppy's gray hairs in sorrow to the grave that anyone could
possibly imagine."
"That is very gratifying, sir."
"'Gratifying' is the word. It appears that at the school where Miss
Wickham was educated, Jeeves, it used to become necessary from time to
time for the right-thinking element to slip it across certain of the
baser sort. Do you know what they did, Jeeves?"
"No, sir."
"They took a long stick, Jeeves, and--follow me closely here--they tied
a darning needle to the end of it. Then, at dead of night, it appears,
they sneaked into the party of the second part's cubicle and shoved the
needle through the bedclothes and punctured her hot-water bottle.
"Girls are much subtler in these matters than boys, Jeeves. At my old
school one would occasionally heave a jug of water over another bloke
during the night watches, but we never thought of effecting the same
result in this particularly neat and scientific manner.
"Well, Jeeves, that was the scheme which Miss Wickham suggested I
should work on young Tuppy, and that is the girl you call frivolous and
lacking in seriousness. Any girl who can think up a wheeze like that is
my idea of a helpmate.
"I shall be glad, Jeeves, if by the time I come to bed to-night you
have waiting for me in this room a stout stick with a good sharp
darning needle attached."
"Well, sir----"