"In spite of the fact that young Tuppy is the nephew of Sir Roderick
Glossop, at whose hands, Jeeves, as you are aware, I have suffered
much, I fraternized with him freely. I said to myself that a man is not
to be blamed for his relations, and that I should hate to have my pals
hold my aunt Agatha, for instance, against me. Broad-minded, Jeeves, I
think?"
"Extremely, sir."
"Well, then, as I say, I sought this Tuppy out, Jeeves, and hobnobbed;
and what do you think he did?"
"I could not say, sir."
"I will tell you. One night, after dinner at the Drones' Club, he bet
me I wouldn't swing myself across the swimming bath by the ropes and
rings. I took him on, and was buzzing along in great style until I came
to the last ring. And then I found that this fiend in human shape had
looped it back against the rail, thus leaving me hanging in the void
with no means of getting ashore to my home and loved ones.
"There was nothing for it but to drop into the water. And what I
maintain, Jeeves, is that, if I can't get back at him somehow at
Skeldings--with all the vast resources which a country house affords at
my disposal--I am not the man I was."
"I see, sir."
"And now, Jeeves, we come to the most important reason why I had to
spend Christmas at Skeldings. Jeeves," I said, diving into the old cup
once more for a moment and bringing myself out wreathed in blushes,
"the fact of the matter is, I'm in love."
"Indeed, sir?"
"You've seen Miss Roberta Wickham?"
"Yes, sir."
"Very well, then."
There was a pause while I let it sink in.
"During your stay here, Jeeves," I said, "you will, no doubt, be thrown
a good deal together with Miss Wickham's maid. On such occasions pitch
it strong."
"Sir?"
"You know what I mean. Tell her I'm rather a good chap. Mention my
hidden depths. These things get round. A boost is never wasted, Jeeves."
"Very good, sir. But----"
"But what?"
"Well, sir----"
"Carry on, Jeeves. We are always glad to hear from you, always."
"What I was about to remark, if you will excuse me, sir, was that I
would scarcely have thought Miss Wickham a suitable----"
"Jeeves," I said coldly, "what is your kick against Miss Wickham?"
"Oh, really, sir!"
"Jeeves, I insist. This is a time for plain speaking. You have beefed
about Miss Wickham. I wish to know why."
"It merely crossed my mind, sir, that for a gentleman of your
description Miss Wickham is not a suitable mate."
"What do you mean by 'a gentleman of my description'?"
"I beg your pardon, sir. The expression escaped me inadvertently. I was
about to observe, sir, that, though Miss Wickham is a charming young
lady----"
"There, Jeeves, you spoke an imperial quart. What eyes!"
"Yes, sir."
"What hair!"
"Very true, sir."
"And what _espièglerie_--if that's the word I want."
"The exact word, sir."
"All right, then. Carry on."
"I grant Miss Wickham the possession of all these desirable qualities,
sir. Nevertheless, considered as a matrimonial prospect for a gentleman
of your description, I cannot look upon her as suitable. In my opinion,
Miss Wickham lacks seriousness, sir. She is too volatile and frivolous.
To qualify as Miss Wickham's husband, a gentleman would need to possess
a commanding personality and considerable strength of character."
"Exactly!"
"I would always hesitate to recommend as a life's companion a young
lady with such a vivid shade of red hair. Red hair, sir, is dangerous."