_His labors for nearly a year among the Indians at Kaunaumeek—temporal
deprivations and sufferings—establishes a school—confession
offered to the faculty of Yale College—days of fasting—methods
of instructing the Indians—visit to New-Jersey and
Connecticut—commencement of labor among the Indians at the Forks of
the Delaware—Ordination._
April 1, 1743.—June 12, 1744.
_April 1, 1743._ “I rode to Kaunaumeek, in the wilderness, near twenty
miles from Stockbridge, and about an equal distance from Albany, where
the Indians live with whom I am concerned; and lodged with a poor
Scotchman, about a mile and a half distant from them, on a little heap
of straw, in a log room without any floor. I was greatly exercised with
inward trials, and seemed to have no God to go to. O that God would help
me!
_April 7._ “Appeared to myself exceedingly ignorant, weak, helpless,
unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me that I
should never do any service, or have any success among the Indians. My
soul was weary of my life; I longed for death, beyond measure. When I
thought of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his
privilege, thinking, “O when will my turn come! must it be years first!”
But I know these ardent desires, at this and other times, rose partly
from the want of resignation to God under all miseries; and so were but
impatience. Toward night I had the exercise of faith in prayer, and some
assistance in writing. O that God would keep me near him!
_Lord’s day, April 10._ “Rose early in the morning and walked out and
spent a considerable time in the woods, in prayer and meditation.
Preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved
soberly in general: two or three in particular appeared to be under some
religious concern; with whom I discoursed privately; and one told me,
“that her heart had cried ever since she first heard me preach.”
_April 16._—“In the afternoon preached to my people; but was more
discouraged with them than before; feared that nothing would ever be
done for them to any happy effect. I retired and poured out my soul to
God for mercy; but without any sensible relief. Soon after, two ungodly
men came, with a design, as they said, to hear me preach the next day;
but none can tell how I felt to hear their _profane_ talk. O, I longed
that some dear Christian should know my distress. I got into a kind of
hovel, and there groaned out my complaint to God; and withal felt more
sensible gratitude and thankfulness to God, that he had made me to
differ from these men, as I knew, through grace, he had.
_Lord’s day, April 17._—“In the morning was again distressed as soon as
I awaked, hearing much talk about the world, and the things of it. I
perceived that the men were in some measure afraid of me; and I
discoursed about sanctifying the Sabbath, if possible to solemnize their
minds; but when they were at a little distance, they again talked freely
about secular affairs. O I thought what a _hell_ it would be to live
with such men to eternity! The Lord gave me some assistance in
preaching, all day, and some resignation, and a small degree of comfort
in prayer, at night.
_April 19._—“In the morning I enjoyed some sweet repose and rest in God;
felt some strength and confidence in him; and my soul was in some
measure refreshed and comforted. Spent most of the day in writing, and
had some exercise of grace, sensible and comfortable. My soul seemed
lifted above the _deep waters_, wherein it has long been almost drowned;
felt some spiritual longings and breathings after God; and found myself
engaged for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in my own soul.
_April 20._—“Set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul
before God for the bestowment of divine grace; especially that all my
spiritual afflictions, and inward distresses, might be sanctified to my
soul. And endeavored also to remember the goodness of God to me the year
past, this day being my birth day. Having obtained help of God, I have
hitherto lived, and am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My
soul was pained to think of my barrenness and deadness; that I have
lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the
woods alone, and there poured out my complaint to God. O that God would
enable me to live to his glory for the future!
_May 10._—“Was in the same state as to my mind, that I have been in for
some time; extremely oppressed with a sense of guilt, pollution, and
blindness, “The iniquity of my heels hath compassed me about: the sins
of my youth have been set in order before me; they have gone over my
head, as an heavy burden, too heavy for me to bear.” Almost all the
actions of my life past seem to be covered over with sin and guilt; and
those of them that I performed in the most conscientious manner, now
fill me with shame and confusion, that I cannot hold up my face. O, the
pride, selfishness, hypocrisy, ignorance, bitterness, party zeal, and
the want of love, candor, meekness, and gentleness, that have attended
my attempts to promote the interests of religion; and this, when I have
reason to hope I had real assistance from above, and some sweet
intercourse with heaven! But alas, what corrupt mixtures attended my
best duties!”
_May 18._—“My circumstances are such that I have no comfort of any kind,
but what I have in God. I live in the most lonesome wilderness; have but
one single person to converse with that can speak English.[D] Most of
the talk I hear, is either Highland Scotch, or Indian. I have no
fellow-christian to whom I may unbosom myself, or lay open my spiritual
sorrows; with whom I may take sweet counsel in conversation about
heavenly things, and join in social prayer. I live poorly with regard to
the comforts of life: most of my diet consists of boiled corn,
hasty-pudding, &c. I lodge on a bundle of straw, my labor is hard and
extremely difficult, and I have little appearance of success to comfort
me. The Indians have no land to live on but what the Dutch people lay
claim to; and these threaten to drive them off. They have no regard to
the _souls_ of the poor Indians; and by what I can learn, they hate me
because I come to preach to them. But that which makes all my
difficulties grievous to be borne, is, that _God hides his face from
me_.
Footnote D:
This person was BRAINERD’s interpreter, an ingenious young Indian,
belonging to Stockbridge, whose name was _John Wauwaumpequunnaunt_. He
had been instructed in the Christian religion by Mr. Sergeant; had
lived with the Rev. Mr. Williams, of Long-Meadow; had been further
instructed by him, at the charge of Mr. Hollis, of London; and
understood both English and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.
_May 20._—“Was much perplexed some part of the day; but toward night had
some comfortable meditations on Isa. 40:1. “Comfort ye, comfort ye my
people, saith your God,” and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Afterward
my soul rose so far above the deep waters, that I dared to rejoice in
God. I saw that there was sufficient matter of consolation in the
blessed God.”
On Monday, May 30, he set out on a journey to New-Jersey to consult the
commissioners, and obtain orders from them to set up a school among the
Indians at Kaunaumeek, and that his interpreter might be appointed the
schoolmaster; which was accordingly done. He proceeded from New-Jersey
to New-Haven, where he arrived on Monday, June 6; attempted a
reconciliation with the faculty of the college; and spent this week in
visiting his friends in those parts, and in his journey homeward, till
Saturday, in a pretty comfortable frame of mind. On Saturday, in his way
from Stockbridge to Kaunaumeek, he was lost in the woods, and lay all
night in the open air; but happily found his way in the morning, and
came to his Indians on Lord’s day, June 12, and had greater assistance
in preaching among them than ever before, since his first coming among
them.
From this time forward he was the subject of various frames and
exercises of mind, in the general much after the same manner as hitherto
from his first coming to Kaunaumeek, till he got into his own house, (a
little hut, which he made chiefly with his own hands, by long and hard
labor.) He found that the distance of the family with whom he at first
lodged, debarred him from many favorable opportunities of access to the
Indians, especially morning and evening; and after about three months,
removed and lived with the Indians in one of their wigwams. Here he
continued for about one month, when he completed the small house of
which he now speaks.
Although he was much dejected during most of this period, yet he had
many intermissions of his melancholy, and some seasons of comfort, sweet
tranquillity and resignation of mind, and frequently special assistance
in public services, as appears in his diary. The manner of his relief
from his sorrow, once in particular, is worthy to be mentioned in his
own words.
_July 25._—“Had little or no resolution for a life of holiness; was
ready almost to renounce my hope of living to God. And O how dark it
looked, to think of being unholy for ever! This I could not endure. The
cry of my soul was, Psalm 65:3. “Iniquities prevail against me.” But I
was in some measure relieved by a comfortable meditation on God’s
eternity, that he never had a beginning. Whence I was led to admire his
greatness and power, in such a manner, that I stood still, and praised
the Lord for his own glories and perfections: though I was (and if I
should for ever be) an unholy creature, my soul was comforted to
apprehend an eternal, infinite, powerful, holy God.”
_July 30._—“Just at night, moved into _my own house_, and lodged there
that night; found it much better spending the time alone than in the
_wigwam_ where I was before.
_Lord’s day, July 31._—“Felt more comfortably than some days past.
Blessed be the Lord, who has now given me a place of retirement. O that
I may _find God_ in it, and that he would dwell with me for ever!
_Aug. 1._—“Was still busy in further labors on my house. Felt a little
sweetness of religion, and thought that it was worth while to follow
after God through a thousand snares, deserts, and death itself. O that I
might always _follow after holiness_, that I may be fully conformed to
God! Had some degree of sweetness in secret prayer, though I had much
sorrow.
_Aug. 3._—“Spent most of the day in writing. Enjoyed some sense of
religion. Through divine goodness I am now uninterruptedly alone, and
find my retirement comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of divine
things within a few days last past than for some time before. I longed
after holiness, humility, and meekness: O that God would enable me to
‘pass the time of my sojourning here in his fear,’ and always _live to
him_!
_Aug. 4._—“Was enabled to pray much through the whole day; and through
divine goodness found some intenseness of soul in the duty, as I used to
do, and some ability to persevere in my supplications. I had some
apprehensions of divine things, which afforded me courage and
resolution. It is good, I find, to _persevere in attempts_ to pray, if I
cannot _pray with perseverance_, i. e. continue long in my addresses to
the Divine Being. I have generally found that _the more I do_ in secret
prayer, the more I have _delighted to do_, and the more I have enjoyed a
spirit of prayer; and frequently I have found the contrary, when by
journeying or otherwise I have been much deprived of retirement. A
seasonable, steady performance of SECRET DUTIES IN THEIR PROPER HOURS,
and a CAREFUL IMPROVEMENT OF ALL TIME, filling up every hour with some
profitable labor, either of heart, head, or hands, are excellent means
of spiritual peace and boldness before God. Filling up our time _with_
and _for_ God, is the way to rise up and lie down in peace.
_Aug. 13._—“Was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to God, with
desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season. I found the comfort
of being a Christian; and “counted the sufferings of the present life
not worthy to be compared with the glory” of divine enjoyments even in
this world. All my past sorrows seemed kindly to disappear, and I
“remembered no more the sorrow, for joy.” O, how kindly, and with what a
filial tenderness, the soul confides in “the Rock of Ages,” at such a
season, that he will “never leave it nor forsake it,” that he will cause
“all things to work together for its good!” I longed that others should
know how good a God the Lord is. My soul was full of tenderness and
love, even to the most inveterate of my enemies. I longed that they
should share in the same mercy; and loved that God should so do just as
he pleased with me and every thing else. I felt peculiarly serious,
calm, and peaceful, and encouragement to press after holiness as long as
I live, whatever difficulties and trials may be in my way. May the Lord
always help me so to do! Amen, and Amen.
_Aug. 15._—“Spent most of the day in labor, to procure something to keep
my horse on in the winter. Had not much spiritual enjoyment in the
morning; was very weak in body through the day; and thought that this
frail body would soon drop into the dust; and had some very realizing
apprehensions of a speedy entrance into another world. In this weak
state of body, I was not a little distressed for want of suitable food.
I had no bread, nor could I get any. I am forced to go or send ten or
fifteen miles for all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy and
sour before I eat it, if I get any considerable quantity. And then again
I have none for some days together, for want of an opportunity to send
for it, and cannot find my horse in the woods to go myself; and this was
my case now; but through divine goodness I had some Indian _meal_, of
which I made cakes, and fried them. Yet I felt contented with my
circumstances, and sweetly resigned to God. In prayer I enjoyed great
freedom; and blessed God as much for my present circumstances as if I
had been a king; and thought that I found a disposition to be contented
in _any_ circumstances. Blessed be God.”
In his diary for Saturday, he says he was somewhat melancholy and
sorrowful in mind; and adds, “I never feel comfortably, but when I find
my soul going forth after God. If I cannot be holy, I must necessarily
be miserable for ever.
_Lord’s day, Aug. 21._—“Was much straitened in the forenoon exercise; my
thoughts seemed to be all scattered to the ends of the earth. At noon, I
fell down before the Lord, groaned under my vileness, barrenness, and
deadness; and felt as if I was guilty of soul murder, in speaking to
immortal souls in such a manner as I had then done. In the afternoon God
was pleased to give me some assistance, and I was enabled to set before
my hearers the nature and necessity of true repentance. Afterward had
some small degree of thankfulness. Was very ill and full of pain in the
evening and my soul mourned that I had spent so much time to so little
profit.
_Aug. 23._—“Studied in the forenoon, and enjoyed some freedom. In the
afternoon labored abroad: endeavored to pray, but found not much
enjoyment or intenseness of mind. Toward night was very weary, and tired
of this world of sorrow: the thoughts of death and immortality appeared
very desirable, and even refreshed my soul. Those lines turned in my
mind with pleasure,
“Come death, shake hands; I’ll kiss thy bands;
“’Tis happiness for me to die.—
“What!—dost thou think that I will shrink?
“I’ll go to immortality.”
“In evening prayer, God was pleased to draw near my soul, though very
sinful and unworthy; so that I was enabled to wrestle with God, and to
persevere in my requests for grace. I poured out my soul for all the
world, friends and enemies. My soul was concerned, not so much for souls
as such, but rather for Christ’s kingdom, that it might appear in the
world, that God might be known to be God, in the whole earth. And O my
soul abhorred the very thought of a _party_ in religion! Let the truth
of God appear, wherever it is; and God have glory for ever. Amen. This
was indeed a comfortable season. I thought I had some foretaste of the
enjoyments and employments of the upper world. O that my soul was more
attempered to it!
_Aug. 31._—[On a journey to New-York.] “Was in a sweet, serious, and I
hope, Christian frame. Eternal things engrossed all my thoughts; and I
longed to be in the world of spirits. O how happy is it to have all our
thoughts swallowed up in that world: to feel one’s self a stranger in
this world, diligently seeking a road through it, the best, the sure
road to the heavenly Jerusalem!”
He went forward on his journey, and after tarrying two or three days at
New-York, set out from that city toward New-Haven, intending to be there
at the commencement.
_Lord’s day, Sept. 11._—“[At Horse-Neck.] In the afternoon I preached
from Titus, 3:8. I think God never helped me more in painting true
religion, and in detecting clearly, and tenderly discountenancing false
appearances of religion, wild fire, party zeal, spiritual pride, &c. as
well as a confident dogmatical spirit, and its spring, viz. _ignorance
of the heart_. In the evening took much pains in private conversation to
suppress some confusions which I perceived were among that people.
_Sept. 13._—“Rode to New-Haven. Was sometimes dejected; not in the
sweetest frame. Lodged at ****. Had some profitable Christian
conversation. I find, though my inward trials were great, and a life of
solitude gives them greater advantage to settle, and penetrate to the
very inmost recesses of the soul; yet it is better to be alone than
incumbered with noise and tumult. I find it very difficult maintaining
any sense of divine things while removing from place to place diverted
with new objects, and filled with care and business. A settled steady
business is best adapted to a life of strict religion.
_Sept. 14._—“This day I ought to have taken my _degree_; but God sees
fit to deny it me. And though I was greatly afraid of being overwhelmed
with perplexity and confusion, when I should see my _classmates_ take
theirs; yet, at the very time, God enabled me with calmness and
resignation to say, “the will of the Lord be done.” Indeed, through
divine goodness, I have scarcely felt my mind so calm, sedate, and
comfortable for some time. I have long feared this season, and expected
my humility, meekness, patience and resignation would be much tried; but
found much more pleasure and divine comfort than I expected. Felt
spiritually serious, tender and affectionate in private prayer with a
dear Christian friend to-day.
_Sept. 15._—“Had some satisfaction in hearing the ministers discourse.
It is always a comfort to me to hear religious and spiritual
conversation. O that ministers and people were more spiritual and
devoted to God! Toward night, with the advice of Christian friends, I
offered the following reflections in writing, to the rector and trustees
of the college—which are for substance the same that I had freely
offered to the rector before, and intreated him to accept—that if
possible I might cut off all occasion of offence from those who seek
occasion. What I offered, is as follows:
“‘Whereas I have said before several persons, concerning Mr.
Whittelsey, one of the tutors of Yale College, that I did not believe
he had any more grace than the chair I then leaned upon; I humbly
confess, that herein I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to
the rules of his word, and have injured Mr. Whittelsey. I had no right
to make thus free with his character; and had no just reason to say as
I did concerning him. My fault herein was the more aggravated, in that
I said this concerning one who was so much my superior, and one whom I
was obliged to treat with special respect and honor, by reason of the
relation I stood in to him in the college. Such a manner of behavior I
confess did not become a Christian; it was taking too much upon me,
and did not savor of that humble respect which I ought to have
expressed toward Mr. Whittelsey. I have long since been convinced of
the falseness of those apprehensions, by which I then justified such a
conduct. I have often reflected on this act with grief; I hope, on
account of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low, and be abased
before God and man for it. I humbly ask the forgiveness of the
governors of the college and of the whole society; but of Mr.
Whittelsey in particular. And whereas I have been accused by one
person of saying concerning the reverend rector of Yale College, that
I wondered he did not expect to drop down dead for fining the scholars
that followed Mr. Tennent to Milford; I seriously profess that I do
not remember my saying any thing to this purpose: but if I did, which
I am not certain I did not, I utterly condemn it, and detest all such
kind of behavior; and especially in an under-graduate toward the
rector. And I now appear to judge and condemn myself for going once to
the separate meeting in New-Haven, a little before I was expelled,
though the rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask
the rector’s forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college
shall ever see cause to remove the academical censure I lie under, or
no, or to admit me to the privileges I desire; yet I am willing to
appear, if they think fit, openly to own, and to humble myself for
those things I have herein confessed.’”
“God has made me willing to do any thing that I can do consistently with
truth, for the sake of peace, and that I might not be a stumbling block
to others. For this reason I can cheerfully forego and give up what I
verily believe, after the most mature and impartial search, is my right,
in some instances. God has given me the disposition, that, if a man has
done me a hundred injuries, and I (though ever so much provoked to it)
have done him only one, I feel disposed and heartily willing humbly to
confess my fault to him, and on my knees to ask forgiveness of him;
though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injuries he
has done me, and should only make use of my humble confession to blacken
my character the more, and represent me as the only person guilty; yea,
though he should as it were insult me, and say, “he knew all this
before, and that I was making work for repentance.” Though what I said
concerning Mr. Whittelsey was only spoken in private, to a friend or
two; and being partly overheard, was related to the rector, and by him
extorted from my friends; yet, seeing it was divulged and made public, I
was willing to confess my fault therein publicly. But I trust God will
plead my cause.”
I was witness to the very Christian spirit which Brainerd showed at that
time; being then at New-Haven, and one whom he thought fit to consult on
that occasion. This was my first opportunity of a personal acquaintance
with him. There truly appeared in him a great degree of calmness and
humility, without the least appearance of rising of spirit for any ill
treatment which he supposed he had suffered, or the least backwardness
to abase himself before them who, as he thought, had wronged him. What
he did was without any objection or appearance of reluctance, even in
private to his friends, to whom he freely opened himself. Earnest
application was made on his behalf to the authority of the college, that
he might have his degree then given him; and particularly by the Rev.
Mr. Burr of Newark, one of the correspondents of the society in
Scotland; he being sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the
commissioners, for that end; and many arguments were used, but without
success. Indeed, the governors of the college were so far satisfied with
the reflections which Brainerd had made on himself, that they appeared
willing to admit him again into college; but not to give him his degree,
till he should have remained there at least twelve months, which being
contrary to what the correspondents, to whom he was now engaged, had
declared to be their mind, he did not consent to it. He desired his
degree, as he thought it would tend to his being more extensively
useful; but still when he was denied it, he manifested no disappointment
or resentment.
_Sept. 20._—“[At Bethlehem.] Had thoughts of going forward on my journey
to my Indians; but toward night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth,
and shivering cold; and could not possibly recover a comfortable degree
of warmth the whole night following I continued very full of pain all
night; and in the morning had a very hard fever, and pains almost over
my whole body. I had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this
to be the place of my sickness, among my friends, who were very kind to
me. I should probably have perished if I had first got home to my own
house in the wilderness, where I have none to converse with but the
poor, rude, ignorant Indians. Here, I saw, was mercy in the midst of
affliction. I continued thus, mostly confined to my bed, till Friday
night; very full of pain most of the time; but, through divine goodness,
not afraid of death. Then I saw the extreme folly of those who put off
their turning to God till a sick bed. Surely this is not a time proper
to prepare for eternity. On Friday evening my pains went off somewhat
suddenly. I was exceedingly weak, and almost fainted; but was very
comfortable the night following. I thought we were to prize the
continuation of life, only on this account, that we may “show forth
God’s goodness and works of grace.”
_Oct. 4._—“This day rode home to my own house and people. The poor
Indians appeared very glad of my return. Found my house and all things
in safety, I presently fell on my knees, and blessed God for my safe
return. I have taken many considerable journies since this time last
year, and yet God has never suffered one of my bones to be broken, or
any distressing calamity to befal me, excepting the ill turn I had in my
last journey. I have been often exposed to cold and hunger in the
wilderness, where the comforts of life were not to be had; have
frequently been lost in the woods; and sometimes obliged to ride much of
the night; and once lay out in the woods all night; yet blessed be God,
he has preserved me!
_Nov. 3._—“Spent this day in secret fasting and prayer, from morning
till night. Early in the morning I had some small degree of assistance
in prayer. Afterward read the story of Elijah the prophet, 1 Kings,
17th, 18th, and 19th chapters; and also 2 Kings, 2d, and 4th chapters.
My soul was much moved, observing the faith, zeal, and power of that
holy man; how he wrestled with God in prayer, &c. My soul then cried
with Elisha, “Where is the Lord God of Elijah!” O I longed for more
faith! My soul breathed after God, and pleaded with him, that a “double
portion of that spirit” which was given to Elijah, might “rest on me.”
And that which was divinely refreshing and strengthening to my soul,
was, I saw that God is the _same_ that he was in the days of Elijah. Was
enabled to wrestle with God by prayer, in a more affectionate, fervent,
humble, intense, and importunate manner, than I have for many months
past. Nothing seemed too hard for God to perform; nothing too great for
me to hope for from him. I had for many months entirely lost all hope of
being made instrumental of doing any special service for God in the
world; it has appeared entirely impossible, that one so vile should be
thus employed for God. But at this time God was pleased to revive this
hope. Afterward read from the 3d chapter of Exodus to the 20th, and saw
more of the _glory_ and _majesty of God_ discovered in those chapters
than ever I had seen before; frequently in the mean time falling on my
knees and crying to God for the faith of Moses, and for a manifestation
of the _divine glory_. Especially the 3d, 4th, and part of the 14th and
15th chapters were unspeakably sweet to my soul: my soul blessed God
that he had shown himself so gracious to his servants of old. The 15th
chapter seemed to be the very language which my soul uttered to God in
the season of my first spiritual comfort, when I had just got through
the _Red Sea_, by a _way_ that I had no expectation of. O how my soul
then _rejoiced in God_! And now those things came fresh and lively to my
mind; now my soul blessed God afresh that he had opened that unthought
of way to deliver me from the fear of the Egyptians, when I almost
despaired of life. Afterward read the story of Abraham’s pilgrimage in
the land of Canaan. My soul was melted, in observing his _faith_, how he
leaned on God; how he _communed_ with God; and what a _stranger_ he was
here in the world. After that, read the story of Joseph’s sufferings,
and God’s goodness to him: blessed God for these examples of faith and
patience. My soul was ardent in prayer, was enabled to wrestle ardently
for myself, for Christian friends, and for the church of God; and felt
more desire to see the power of God in the conversion of souls, than I
have done for a long season. Blessed be God for this season of fasting
and prayer!—May his goodness always abide with me, and draw my soul to
him!
_Nov. 10._—“Spent this day in fasting and prayer alone. In the morning
was very dull and lifeless, melancholy and discouraged. But after some
time, while reading 2 Kings, 19, my soul was moved and affected;
especially reading verse 14, and onward. I saw there was no other way
for the afflicted children of God to take, but to go to God with all
their sorrows. Hezekiah, in his great distress, went and spread his
complaint before the Lord. I was then enabled to see the mighty power of
God, and my extreme need of that power; and to cry to him affectionately
and ardently for his power and grace to be exercised toward me.
Afterward, read the story of David’s trials, and observed the course he
took under them, how he strengthened his hands in God; whereby my soul
was carried out after God, enabled to cry to him, and rely upon him, and
felt strong in the Lord. Was afterward refreshed, observing the blessed
temper that was wrought in David by his trials: all bitterness, and
desire of revenge, seemed wholly taken away; so that he mourned for the
death of his enemies. 2 Sam. 1:17, and 4:9-12. Was enabled to bless God
that he had given me something of this divine temper, that my soul
freely _forgives_, and heartily _loves my enemies_.
_Nov. 29._—“Began to study the Indian tongue, with Mr. Sergeant, at
Stockbridge.[E] Was perplexed for want of more retirement. I love to
live alone in my own little cottage, where I can spend much time in
prayer, &c.
Footnote E:
The commissioners who employed him, had directed him to spend much
time this winter with Mr. Sergeant, to learn the language of the
Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride backward and
forward, twenty miles through the uninhabited woods between
Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek; which many times exposed him to extreme
hardship in the severe seasons of the winter.
_Dec. 22._—“Spent this day alone in fasting and prayer, and reading in
God’s word the exercises and deliverances of his children. Had, I trust,
some exercise of faith, and realizing apprehension of divine power,
grace, and holiness; and also of the unchangeableness of God, that he is
the same as when he delivered his saints of old out of great
tribulation. My soul was sundry times in prayer enlarged for God’s
church and people. O that Zion might become the “joy of the whole
earth!” It is better to wait upon God with patience, than to put
confidence in any thing in this lower world. “My soul, wait thou on the
Lord;” for “from him comes thy salvation.”
_Lord’s day, Jan. 1, 1744._—“In the morning had some small degree of
assistance in prayer. Saw myself so vile and unworthy that I could not
look my people in the face when I came to preach. O my meanness, folly,
ignorance, and inward pollution!—In the evening had a little assistance
in prayer, so that the duty was delightful, rather than burdensome.
Reflected on the goodness of God to me in the past year, &c. Of a truth
God has been kind and gracious to me, though he has caused me to pass
through many sorrows; he has provided for me bountifully, so that I have
been enabled, in about fifteen months past, to bestow to charitable uses
about an _hundred pounds_ New-England money, that I can now remember.
Blessed be the Lord that has so far used me as _his steward_, to
distribute a _portion of his goods_. May I always remember, that all I
have comes from God. Blessed be the Lord, that has carried me through
all the toils, fatigues and hardships of the year past, as well as the
spiritual sorrows and conflicts that have attended it. O that I could
begin this year _with God_, and spend the whole of it to _his glory_,
either in life or death!
_Jan. 3._—“Was employed much of the day in writing; and spent some time
in other necessary employment. But my time passes away so swiftly, that
I am astonished when I reflect on it, and see how little I do. My state
of solitude does not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands. O what
reason of thankfulness have I on account of this retirement! I find that
I do not, and it seems I cannot, lead a _Christian life_ when I am
abroad, and cannot spend time in devotion, Christian conversation, and
serious meditation, as I should do. Those weeks that I am obliged now to
be from home, in order to learn the Indian tongue, are mostly spent in
perplexity and barrenness, without much sweet relish of divine things;
and I feel myself a stranger at the throne of grace for want of more
frequent and continued retirement. When I return home and give myself to
meditation, prayer, and fasting, a new scene opens to my mind, and my
soul longs for mortification, self-denial, humility, and divorcement
from all things of the world. This evening my heart was somewhat warm
and fervent in prayer and meditation, so that I was loth to indulge
sleep. Continued in those duties till about midnight.
_Jan. 6._—“Feeling my extreme weakness, and want of grace, the pollution
of my soul, and danger of temptations on every side, I set apart this
day for fasting and prayer, neither eating nor drinking from evening to
evening, beseeching God to have mercy on me. My soul intensely longed
that the dreadful spots and stains of sin might be washed away from it.
Saw something of the power and all-sufficiency of God. My soul seemed to
rest on his power and grace; longed for resignation to his will, and
mortification to all things here below. My mind was greatly fixed on
divine things: my resolutions for a life of mortification, continual
watchfulness, self-denial, seriousness and devotion, were strong and
fixed; my desires ardent and intense; my conscience tender, and afraid
of every appearance of evil. My soul grieved with reflection on past
levity, and want of resolution for God. I solemnly renewed my dedication
of myself to God, and longed for grace to enable me always to keep
covenant with him. Time appeared very short, eternity near and a great
name, either in or after life, together with all earthly pleasures and
profits, but an empty bubble, a deluding dream.
_Jan. 7._ “Spent this day in seriousness, with steadfast resolutions for
God, and a life of mortification. Studied closely, till I felt my bodily
strength fail. Felt some degree of resignation to God, with an
acquiescence in his dispensations. Was grieved that I could do so little
for God before my bodily strength failed. In the evening, though tired,
was enabled to continue instant in prayer for some time. Spent the time
in reading, meditation, and prayer, till the evening was far spent: was
grieved to think that I could not _watch unto prayer_ the whole night.
But blessed be God, heaven is a place of continual and incessant
devotion though the earth is dull.
_Jan. 14._ “This morning, enjoyed a most solemn season in prayer: my
soul seemed enlarged and assisted to pour out itself to God for grace,
and for every blessing I wanted for myself, for dear Christian friends,
and for the church of God; and was so enabled to “see Him who is
invisible,” that my soul _rested upon him_ for the performance of every
thing I asked agreeable to his will. It was then my happiness to
‘continue instant in prayer,’ and I was enabled to continue in it for
near an hour. My soul was then “strong in the Lord, and in the power of
his might.” Longed exceedingly for an angelic holiness and purity, and
to have all my thoughts, at all times, employed in divine and heavenly
things. Felt the same divine assistance in prayer sundry times in the
day. My soul confided in God for myself, and for his Zion: trusted in
divine power and grace, that he would do glorious things in his church
on earth, for his own glory.
_Feb. 3._ “Enjoyed more freedom and comfort than of late; was engaged in
meditation upon the different whispers of the various powers and
affections of a pious mind, exercised with a great variety of
dispensations; and could not but write, as well as meditate, on so
entertaining a subject. I hope the Lord gave me some true sense of
divine things this day; but alas, how great and pressing are the remains
of indwelling corruption! I am now more sensible than ever, that God
alone is “the author and finisher of our faith,” _i. e._ that the whole
and every part of sanctification, and every good word, work, or thought,
found in me, is the effect of his power and grace; that “without him I
can do nothing,” in the strictest sense, and that, “he works in us to
will and to do of his own good pleasure,” and from no other motive. O
how amazing it is that people can talk so much about men’s power and
goodness, when if God did not hold us back every moment, we should be
devils incarnate! This my bitter experience, for several days last past,
has abundantly taught me concerning myself.
_Feb. 7._ “My soul felt and tasted that the Lord is gracious; that he is
the supreme good, the only soul-satisfying happiness; that he is a
complete, sufficient, and almighty portion. The language of my heart
was, “Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that
I desire beside thee.” O, I feel that it is heaven to please him, and to
be just what he would have me to be! O that my soul were “holy, as he is
holy!” O that it were “pure, even as Christ is pure;” and “perfect, as
my Father in heaven is perfect!” These I feel are the sweetest commands
in God’s book, comprising all others. And shall I break them! must I
break them! am I under the necessity of it as long as I live in the
world! O my soul, wo, wo is me, that I am a sinner, who continually
grieve and offend this blessed God, infinite in goodness and grace! O
methinks if he would punish me for my sins, it would not wound my heart
so deep to offend him; but though I sin continually, yet he continually
repeats his kindness to me! O methinks I could bear any sufferings; but
how can I bear to grieve and dishonor this blessed God! How shall I
yield ten thousand times more honor to him? What shall I do to glorify
and worship this best of beings? O that I could consecrate myself, soul
and body, to his service for ever! O that I could give up myself to him,
so as never more to attempt to be my own, or to have any will or
affections that are not perfectly conformed to him! But, alas! I find I
cannot be thus entirely devoted to God; I cannot live, and not sin. O ye
angels, do ye glorify him incessantly; and if possible, prostrate
yourselves lower before the blessed King of heaven! I long to bear a
part with you; and, if it were possible, to help you. O when we have
done all that we can, to all eternity, we shall not be able to offer the
ten thousandth part of the homage which the glorious God deserves!
_March 3._ “In the morning, spent (I believe) an hour in prayer, with
great intenseness and freedom, and with the most soft and tender
affection toward all mankind. I longed that those who, I have reason to
think, owe me ill will, might be eternally happy. It seemed refreshing
to think of meeting them in heaven, how much soever they had injured me
on earth: had no disposition to insist upon any confession from them, in
order to reconciliation, and the exercise of love and kindness to them.
O it is an emblem of heaven itself, to love all the world with a love of
kindness, forgiveness, and benevolence; to feel our souls sedate, mild,
and meek; to be void of all evil surmisings and suspicions, and scarce
able to think evil of any man upon any occasion; to find our hearts
simple, open, and free, to those that look upon us with a different
eye!—Prayer was so sweet an exercise to me, that I knew not how to
cease, lest I should lose the spirit of prayer. Felt no disposition to
eat or drink, for the sake of the pleasure of it, but only to support my
nature, and fit me for divine service. Could not be content without a
very particular mention of a great number of dear friends at the throne
of grace; as also the particular circumstances of many, as far as they
were known.
_March 10._ “In the morning, felt exceeding dead to the world, and all
its enjoyments. I thought I was ready and willing to give up life and
all its comforts, as soon as called to it; and yet then had as much
comfort of life as almost ever I had. I longed to be perpetually and
entirely _crucified_ to all things here below, by the _cross of Christ_.
My soul was sweetly resigned to God’s disposal of me, in every regard;
and I saw that nothing had happened but what was best for me. I confided
in God, that he would never leave me, though I should “walk through the
valley of the shadow of death.” It was then my meat and drink to be
holy, to live to the Lord, and die to the Lord. And I thought that I
then enjoyed such a heaven as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions
of an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond what I myself could
conceive of at another time. I did not wonder that Peter said, “Lord, it
is good to be here,” when thus refreshed with divine glories. My soul
was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially
felt a most sweet affection to some precious godly ministers, of my
acquaintance. Prayed earnestly for dear Christians, and for those I have
reason to fear are my enemies; and could not have spoken a word of
bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest man
living. Had a sense of my own great unworthiness. My soul seemed to
breathe forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he would let
his children love and receive me as one of their brethren and fellow
citizens. When I thought of their treating me in that manner, I longed
to lie at their feet; and could think of no way to express the sincerity
and simplicity of my love and esteem of them, as being much better than
myself.
_Lord’s day, March 11._ “My soul was in some measure _strengthened in
God_, in morning devotion; so that I was released from trembling fear
and distress. Preached to my people from the parable of the _sower_,
Matt. 13, and enjoyed some assistance both parts of the day, had some
freedom, affection, and fervency in addressing my poor people; longed
that God should take hold of their hearts, and make them spiritually
alive. And indeed I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to
leave off speaking.”
This was the last Sabbath in which he ever performed public service at
Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons which he ever preached to the
Indians there. The methods he adopted for their salvation, he thus
describes in a letter to Rev. Mr. Pemberton of New-York.
“In my labors with them, in order to “turn them from darkness to light,”
I studied what was most _plain_ and _easy_, and best suited to their
capacities; and endeavored to set before them from time to time, as they
were able to receive them, the most _important_ and _necessary_ truths
of Christianity; such as most immediately concerned their speedy
conversion to God, and such as I judged had the greatest tendency, as
means, to effect that glorious change in them. But especially I made it
the scope and drift of all my labors, to lead them into a thorough
acquaintance with these two things: (1.) The _sinfulness_ and _misery_
of the estate they were naturally in; the evil of their hearts, the
pollution of their natures; the heavy guilt they were under, and their
exposedness to everlasting punishment; as also their utter inability to
save themselves, either from their sins, or from those miseries which
are the just punishment of them; and their unworthiness of any mercy at
the hand of God, on account of any thing they themselves could do to
procure his favor, and consequently their extreme need of Christ to save
them. And, (2.) I frequently endeavored to open to them the _fullness_,
_all-sufficiency_, and _freeness_ of that _redemption_ which the Son of
God has wrought out by his obedience and sufferings, for perishing
sinners: how this provision he had made was suited to all their wants;
and how he called and invited them to accept of everlasting life freely,
notwithstanding all their sinfulness.
“After I had been with the Indians several months, I composed sundry
_forms of prayer_, adapted to their circumstances and capacities; which,
with the help of my interpreter, I translated into the Indian language;
and soon learned to pronounce their words, so as to pray with them in
their own tongue. I also translated sundry _psalms_ into their language,
and soon after we were able to sing in the worship of God.
“When my people had gained some acquaintance with many of the simplest
truths of Christianity, so that they were capable of receiving and
understanding others, I gave them an _historical_ account of God’s
dealings with his ancient professing people, the Jews; some of the rites
and ceremonies they were obliged to observe, as their sacrifices, &c.;
and what these were designed to represent to them; as also some of the
surprising _miracles_ God wrought for their salvation, while they
trusted in him; and sore _punishments_ he sometimes brought upon them,
when they forsook and sinned against him. Afterward I proceeded to give
them a relation of the birth, life, miracles, sufferings, death, and
resurrection of Christ; as well as his ascension, and the wonderful
effusion of the Holy Spirit consequent thereupon.
“And having thus endeavored to prepare the way by such a general account
of things, I next proceeded to read and _expound_ to them the Gospel of
St. Matthew (at least the substance of it) in course, wherein they had a
more distinct and particular view of what they had had before some
general notion. These expositions I attended almost every _evening_,
when there was any considerable number of them at home; except when I
was obliged to be absent myself, in order to learn the Indian language
with the Rev. Mr. Sergeant. Besides these means of instruction, there
was likewise an English _school_ constantly kept by my interpreter among
the Indians; which I used frequently to visit, in order to give the
children and young people some proper instructions, and serious
exhortations suited to their age.
“The degree of knowledge to which some of them attained was
considerable. Many of the truths of Christianity seemed fixed in their
minds, especially in some instances, so that they would speak to me of
them, and ask such questions about them as were necessary to render them
more plain and clear to their understandings. The children, also, and
young people, who attended the school, made considerable proficiency (at
least some of them) in their learning; so that had they understood the
English language well, they would have been able to read somewhat
readily in a psalter.
“But that which was most of all desirable, and gave me the greatest
encouragement amidst many difficulties and disconsolate hours, was, that
the truths of God’s word seemed, at times, to be attended with some
_power_ upon the hearts and consciences of the Indians. And especially
this appeared evident in a few individuals, who were awakened to some
sense of their miserable estate by nature, and appeared solicitous for
deliverance from it. Several of them came, of their own accord to
discourse with me about their soul’s concerns; and some, with tears,
inquired what they should do to be saved?”
The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number and Brainerd having
been laboring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them to
be willing to leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live
constantly under Mr. Sergeant’s ministry; he thought he might now do
more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere: and therefore went
to New-Jersey, and laid the matter before the Commissioners; who met at
Elizabeth-Town, on the occasion, and determined that he should forthwith
leave Kaunaumeek, and go to the Delaware Indians.
By the invitations which Brainerd had lately received, it appears, that
it was not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle in the
ministry, that he determined to forsake all the outward comforts, he
might thus have enjoyed, to spend his life among _savages_, and endure
the difficulties and self-denials of an Indian _mission_. He had, just
as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, had an earnest invitation to a settlement
at East-Hampton, one of the pleasantest towns on Long-Island. The people
there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor, and
for a long time continued in earnest pursuit of him, and were hardly
brought to relinquish their endeavors, and give up their hopes of
obtaining him. Besides this, he had an invitation to preach with
reference to a settlement in Millington, near his native town, and in
the midst of his friends. Nor did Brainerd choose the business of a
missionary to the Indians, rather than accept of those invitations,
because he was unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which
attended such a service; for he had had experience of these difficulties
in summer and winter; having spent about a year in a lonely desert among
these savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships, and been the
subject of a train of outward and inward sorrows, which were now fresh
in his mind.
After this he continued two or three days in New-Jersey, very ill; and
then returned to New-York; and from thence into New-England; and went to
his native town of Haddam, where he arrived on Saturday, April 14. And
he continues still his bitter complaints of want of retirement. While he
was in New-York, he says thus, “O it is not the pleasures of the world
which can comfort me! If _God_ deny his presence, what are the pleasures
of the _city_ to me? One hour of sweet retirement where _God is_, is
better than the whole world.”
_April 17._—“In the evening, at my brother’s, singing hymns with
friends, my soul seemed to melt; and in prayer afterward, enjoyed the
exercise of _faith_, and was enabled to be fervent in spirit: found more
of God’s presence than I have done any time in my late wearisome
journey. Eternity appeared very near; my nature was very weak, and
seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun declining, and the shadows of the
evening drawing on apace. O I longed to fill up the remaining moments
all for God! Though my body was so feeble, and wearied with preaching
and much private conversation, yet I wanted to sit up all night to do
something for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments, be glory for
ever and ever. Amen.
_April 18._—“Was very weak, and enjoyed but little spiritual comfort.
Was exercised with one who cavilled against original sin. May the Lord
open his eyes to see the fountain of sin in himself!”
After this he visited several ministers in Connecticut; and then
travelled towards Kaunaumeek, and came to Mr. Sergeant’s, at
Stockbridge, Thursday, April 26, having performed the journey in a very
weak state of body.
_April 27_ and _28_.—“Spent some time in visiting friends, and
discoursing with my people, (who were now moved down from their own
place to Mr. Sergeant’s) and found them very glad to see me returned.
Was exercised in my mind with a sense of my own unworthiness.
_Lord’s day, April 29._—“Preached for Mr. Sergeant both parts of the
day, from Rev. 14:4. Enjoyed some freedom in preaching, though not much
spirituality. In the evening, my heart was in some measure lifted up in
thankfulness to God for any assistance.
_April 30._—“Rode to Kaunaumeek, but was extremely ill; did not enjoy
the comfort I hoped for in my own house.
_May 1._—“Having received new orders to go to a number of Indians on
Delaware river, in Pennsylvania, and my people here being mostly removed
to Mr. Sergeant’s, I this day took all my clothes, books, &c. and
disposed of them, and set out for Delaware river; but made it my way to
return to Mr. Sergeant’s, which I did this day, just at night. Rode
several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, although I was
so disordered in body, that little or nothing but blood came from me.
_May 8._—“Travelled about forty-five miles to a place called _Fishkill_;
and lodged there. Spent much of my time, while riding, in prayer that
God would go with me to the Delaware. My heart sometimes was ready to
sink with the thoughts of my work, and going alone in the wilderness, I
knew not where; but still it was comfortable to think that others of
God’s children had ‘wandered about in dens and caves of the earth;’ and
Abraham, when he was called to go forth, ‘went out not knowing whither
he went.’ O that I might follow after God!”
The next day he went forward on his journey; crossed the Hudson, and
went to Goshen in the Highlands; and so traveled across the woods, from
the Hudson to the Delaware, about a hundred miles, through a desolate
and hideous country, above New-Jersey, where were very few settlements;
in which journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He visited some
Indians in the way, at a place called _Miunissinks_, and discoursed with
them concerning Christianity. Was considerably melancholy and
disconsolate, being alone in a strange wilderness. On Saturday, May 12,
he came to a settlement of Irish and Dutch people, and proceeding about
twelve miles further arrived at _Sakhauwotung_, an Indian settlement
within the Forks of the Delaware.
_Lord’s day, May 13._—“Rose early; felt very poorly after my long
journey, and after being wet and fatigued. Was very melancholy; have
scarcely ever seen such a gloomy morning in my life; there appeared to
be no _Sabbath_; the children were all at play; I, a stranger in the
wilderness, and knew not where to go; and all circumstances seemed to
conspire to render my affairs dark and discouraging. Was disappointed
respecting an _Interpreter_, and heard that the Indians were much
scattered. O, I mourned after the presence of God, and seemed like a
creature banished from his sight! yet he was pleased to support my
sinking soul amidst all my sorrows; so that I never entertained any
thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians; but was
comforted to think that death would ere long set me free from these
distresses. Rode about three or four miles to the Irish people, where I
found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion. My heart
then began to be a little encouraged: went and preached first to the
Irish and then to the Indians; and in the evening was a little
comforted: my soul seemed to rest on God, and take courage.
_Lord’s day, May 20._—“Preached twice to the poor Indians; and enjoyed
some freedom in speaking, while I attempted to remove their prejudices
against Christianity. My soul longed continually for assistance from
above; for I saw I had no strength sufficient for that work. Afterward
preached to the Irish people; was much assisted in the first prayer, and
somewhat in the sermon. Several persons seemed much concerned for their
souls, with whom I discoursed afterward with much freedom and some
power. Blessed be God for any assistance afforded to an unworthy worm. O
that I could live to him!
_Lord’s day, May 27._—“Visited my Indians in the morning, and attended
upon a funeral among them; was affected to see their heathenish
practices. O that they might be ‘turned from darkness to light!’
Afterward got a considerable number of them together, and preached to
them; and observed them very attentive. After this preached to the white
people from Heb. 2:3. ‘How shall we escape if we neglect so great
salvation?’ Was enabled to speak with some freedom and power: several
people seemed much concerned for their souls; especially one who had
been educated a Roman Catholic. Blessed be the Lord for any help.
_May 28._—“Set out from the Indians above the Forks of the Delaware, on
a journey toward Newark, in New-Jersey, according to my orders. Rode
through the wilderness; was much fatigued with the heat; lodged at a
place called Black River; was exceedingly tired and worn out.
_Lord’s day, June 10._—“[At Newark.] In the morning was much concerned
how I should perform the work of the day: and trembled at the thoughts
of being left to myself. Enjoyed very considerable assistance in all
parts of the public service. Had an opportunity again to attend on the
ordinance of the Lord’s Supper, and through divine goodness was
refreshed in it: my soul was full of love and tenderness toward the
children of God, and toward all men. At night I enjoyed more
spirituality and sweet desire of holiness, than I have felt for some
time: was afraid of every thought and every motion, lest thereby my
heart should be drawn away from God. O that I might never leave the
blessed God! ‘Lord, in thy presence is fulness of joy.’ O the
blessedness of living to God!
_June 11._—“This day the Presbytery met at Newark, in order to my
_ordination_. Was very weak and disordered in body; yet endeavored to
repose my confidence in God. Spent most of the day alone; especially the
forenoon. At three in the afternoon preached my probation sermon from
Acts, 26:17, 18, being a text given me for that purpose. Felt not well
either in body or mind: however, God carried me through comfortably.
Afterward passed an examination before the Presbytery. Was much tired,
and my mind burdened with the greatness of that charge I was in the most
solemn manner about to take upon me: my mind was so pressed with the
weight of the work incumbent upon me, that I could not sleep this night,
though very weary and in great need of rest.
_June 12._—“Was this morning further examined respecting my
_experimental acquaintance with Christianity_. At 10 o’clock my
_ordination_ was attended; the sermon preached by the Rev. Mr.
Pemberton. At this time I was affected with a sense of the important
trust committed to me; yet was composed and solemn without distraction;
and I hope that then, as many times before, I gave myself up to God, to
be for _him_, and not for _another_. O that I might always be engaged in
the service of God, and duly remember the solemn charge I have received
in the presence of God, angels, and men. Amen.”