_From his appointment as a Missionary, to his commencing his Mission
among the Indians at Kaunaumeek, in New-York._
Nov. 26, 1742.—March 31, 1743.
_Nov. 26, 1742._—“Had still a sense of my great vileness, and endeavored
as much as I could to keep alone. O what a nothing, what dust and ashes
am I! Enjoyed some peace and comfort in spreading my complaints before
the God of all grace.
_Nov. 27._—“Committed my soul to God with some degree of comfort; left
New-York about nine in the morning; came away with a distressing sense
still of my unspeakable unworthiness. Surely I may well love all my
brethren; for none of them all is so vile as I: whatever they do
outwardly, yet it seems to me none is conscious of so much guilt before
God. O my leanness, my barrenness, my carnality, and past bitterness,
and want of a gospel temper! These things oppress my soul. Rode from
New-York, thirty miles, to White Plains, and most of the way continued
lifting up my heart to God for mercy and purifying grace; and spent the
evening much dejected in spirit.
_Dec. 1._—“My soul breathed after God, in sweet spiritual and longing
desires of conformity to him, and was brought to rest itself on his rich
grace, and felt strength and encouragement to do or suffer any thing,
that divine providence should allot me. Rode about twenty miles, from
Stratfield to Newtown.”
Within the space of the next nine days he went a journey from Newtown to
Haddam, his native town; and after staying there some days, returned
again into the western part of Connecticut, and came to Southbury.
_Dec. 11._—“Conversed with a dear friend, to whom I had thought of
giving a liberal education, and being at the whole charge of it, that he
might be fitted for the gospel ministry.[B] I acquainted him with my
thoughts on the subject, and so left him to consider of it, till I
should see him again. Then I rode to Bethlehem, came to Mr. Bellamy’s
lodgings, and spent the evening with him in sweet conversation and
prayer. We commended the concern of sending my friend to college to the
God of all grace. Blessed be the Lord for this evening’s opportunity
together.
Footnote B:
Brainerd, having now undertaken the business of a missionary to the
Indians, and having some estate left him by his father, judged that
there was no way in which he could spend it more for the glory of God,
than by being at the charge of educating some young man of talents and
piety for the ministry. The young man here spoken of was selected for
this purpose, and received his education at Brainerd’s expense, so
long as his benefactor lived, which was till he was carried through
his third year in college.
_Lord’s day, Dec. 12._—“I felt, in the morning, as if I had little or no
power either to pray or preach; and felt a distressing need of divine
help. I went to meeting trembling; but it pleased God to assist me in
prayer and sermon. I think my soul scarce ever penetrated so far into
the immaterial world, in any one prayer that I ever made, nor were my
devotions ever so free from gross conceptions and imaginations framed
from beholding material objects. I preached with some satisfaction, from
Matt. 6:33. “But seek ye first the kingdom of God,” &c.; and in the
afternoon, from Rom. 15:30. “And now I beseech you brethren,” &c. There
was much affection in the assembly. This has been a sweet Sabbath to me;
and blessed be God, I have reason to think that my religion has become
more spiritual by means of my late inward conflicts. Amen. May I always
be willing that God should use his own methods with me!
_Dec. 14._—“Some perplexity hung on my mind; I was distressed last night
and this morning for the interests of Zion, especially on account of the
_false appearances of religion_, that do but rather breed confusion,
especially in some places. I cried to God for help, to enable me to bear
testimony against those things, which, instead of promoting, do but
hinder the progress of vital piety. In the afternoon, rode down to
Southbury, and conversed again with my friend on the important subject
of his pursuing the work of the ministry; and he appeared much inclined
to devote himself to it, if God should succeed his attempts to qualify
himself for so great a work. In the evening I preached from 1 Thess.
4:8, and endeavored, though with tenderness, to undermine false
religion. The Lord gave me some assistance.
_Dec. 15._—“Enjoyed something of God to-day, both in secret and social
prayer; but was sensible of much barrenness and defect in duty, as well
as my inability to help myself for the time to come, or to perform the
work and business I have to do. Afterward, felt much of the sweetness of
religion, and the tenderness of the gospel-temper. I found a dear love
to all mankind, and was much afraid lest some motion of anger or
resentment should, from time to time creep into my heart. Had some
comforting, soul-refreshing discourse with dear friends, just as we took
our leave of each other; and supposed it might be we should not meet
again till we came to the eternal world.[C] I doubt not but, through
grace, some of us shall have a happy meeting there, and bless God for
this season, as well as many others. Amen.
Footnote C:
It had been determined by the Commissioners, who employed Brainerd as
a missionary, that he should go, as soon as might be conveniently, to
the Indians living near the Forks of Delaware river, and the Indians
on Susquehanna river. The distance of those places, and his probable
exposure to many hardships and dangers, was the occasion of his taking
leave of his friends in this manner.
_Dec. 18._ “Spent much time in prayer in the woods; and seemed raised
above the things of the world: my soul was strong in the Lord of Hosts;
but was sensible of great barrenness.
_Dec. 23._—“Enjoyed, I trust, the presence of God this morning in
secret. O, how divinely sweet is it to come into the secret of his
presence, and abide in his pavilion!
_Dec. 27._—“Enjoyed a precious season indeed; had a melting sense of
divine things, of the pure spirituality of the religion of Christ Jesus.
In the evening I preached from Matt. 6:33. with much freedom, power and
pungency: the presence of God attended our meeting. O, the sweetness,
the tenderness I felt in my soul! If ever I felt the temper of Christ, I
had some sense of it now. Blessed be my God, I have seldom enjoyed a
more comfortable and profitable day than this. O, that I could spend all
my time for God!
_Jan. 14, 1743._—“My spiritual conflicts to-day were unspeakably
dreadful, heavier than the mountains and over-flowing floods. I was
deprived of all sense of God, even of the being of a God; and that was
my misery. The torments of the damned, I am sure, will consist much in a
_privation of God_, and consequently of _all good_. This taught me the
absolute dependence of a creature upon God the Creator, for every crumb
of happiness it enjoys. O, I feel that, if there is no God, though I
might live for ever here, and enjoy not only this, but all other worlds,
I should be ten thousand times more miserable than a reptile.
_Lord’s day, Jan. 23._—“I scarce ever felt myself so unfit to exist as
now: saw I was not worthy of a place among the Indians, where I am
going, if God permit: thought I should be ashamed to look them in the
face, and much more to have any respect shown me there. Indeed I felt
myself banished from the earth, as if all places were too good for such
a wretch. I thought I should be ashamed to go among the very savages of
Africa; I appeared to myself a creature fit for nothing, neither heaven
nor earth. None know but those who feel it, what the soul endures that
is sensibly shut out from the presence of God: alas! it is more bitter
than death.
_Feb. 2._—“Preached my farewell sermon last night, at the house of an
aged man, who had been unable to attend on public worship for some time.
This morning spent the time in prayer, almost wherever I went; and
having taken leave of friends, I set out on my journey toward the
Indians; though I was first to spend some weeks at East-Hampton, on
Long-Island, by leave of the commissioners; the winter season being
judged unfavorable for the commencement of the mission.
_Feb. 12._—[At East-Hampton.] “Enjoyed a little more comfort; was
enabled to meditate with some composure of mind; and especially in the
evening, found my soul more refreshed in prayer than at any time of
late; my soul seemed to “take hold of God’s strength,” and was comforted
with his consolations. O, how sweet are some glimpses of divine glory!
how strengthening and quickening!
_Feb. 15._ “Early in the day I felt some comfort, afterward I walked
into a neighboring grove, and felt more as a stranger on earth, I think,
than ever before; dead to any of the enjoyments of the world. In the
evening had divine sweetness in secret duty: God was then my portion,
and my soul rose above those _deep_ _waters_, into which I have sunk so
low of late. My soul then cried for Zion, and had sweetness in so
doing.”
_Feb. 17._—“Preached this day at a little village in East-Hampton; and
God was pleased to give me his gracious presence and assistance, so that
I spake with freedom, boldness, and some power. In the evening spent
some time with a dear Christian friend; and felt serious, as on the
brink of eternity. Our interview was truly a little emblem of heaven
itself. I find my soul is more refined and weaned from a dependence on
my frames and spiritual feelings.
_Feb. 18._—“Had some enjoyment most of the day, and found access to the
throne of grace. Blessed be the Lord for any intervals of heavenly
delight and composure, while I am engaged in the field of battle. O,
that I might be serious, solemn, and always vigilant, while in an evil
world! Had some opportunity alone to-day, and found some freedom in
study. O, I long to _live to God_!”
During the next two weeks it appears that for the most part he enjoyed
much spiritual peace and comfort. In his diary for this space of time,
are expressed such things as these; mourning over indwelling sin,
unprofitableness; deadness to the world; longing after God, and to live
to his glory; heart melting desires after his eternal home; fixed
reliance on God for his help; experience of much divine assistance, both
in the private and public exercises of religion; inward strength and
courage in the service of God; very frequent refreshment, consolation,
and divine sweetness in meditation, prayer, preaching, and Christian
conversation. And it appears by his account, that this space of time was
filled up with great diligence and earnestness in serving God; in study,
prayer, meditation, preaching, and privately instructing and counseling.
_March 7._—“This morning when I arose I found my heart go forth after
God in longing desires of conformity to him, and in secret prayer found
myself sweetly quickened and drawn out in praises to God for all he had
done to and for me, and for all my inward trials and distress of late.
My heart ascribed glory, glory, glory to the blessed God! and bid
welcome to all inward distress again, if God saw meet to exercise me
with it. Time appeared but an inch long, and eternity at hand; and I
thought I could with patience and cheerfulness bear any thing for the
cause of God; for I saw that a moment would bring me to a world of peace
and blessedness. My soul, by the strength of the Lord, rose far above
this lower world, and all the vain amusements and frightful
disappointments of it.
_Lord’s day, March 13._ “At noon, I thought it impossible for me to
preach, by reason of bodily weakness and inward deadness. In the first
prayer, I was so weak that I could scarcely stand; but in the sermon,
God strengthened me, so that I spake near an hour and a half with sweet
freedom, clearness, and some tender power, from Gen. 5:24. “And Enoch
walked with God.” I was sweetly assisted to insist on a _close walk with
God_, and to leave this as my parting advice to God’s people here, that
they should “walk with God.” May the God of all grace succeed my poor
labors in this place!
_March 14._ “In the morning was very busy in preparation for my journey,
and was almost continually engaged in ejaculatory prayer. About ten took
leave of the dear people of East-Hampton; my heart grieved and mourned,
and rejoiced at the same time; rode near fifty miles to a part of
Brook-Haven, and lodged there, and had refreshing conversation with a
Christian friend.”
In two days more he reached New-York; but complains of much desertion
and deadness on the road. He stayed one day in New-York, and on Friday
went to Mr. Dickinson’s at Elizabeth-Town.
_March 19._ “Was bitterly distressed under a sense of my ignorance,
darkness, and unworthiness; got alone, and poured out my complaint to
God in the bitterness of my soul. In the afternoon rode to Newark, and
had some sweetness in conversation and prayer with Mr. Burr. O blessed
be God for ever and ever, for any enlivening and quickening seasons.
_Lord’s day, March 20._ “Preached in the forenoon: God gave me some
assistance, and enabled me to speak with real tenderness, love, and
impartiality. In the evening preached again; and of a truth God was
pleased to assist a poor worm. Blessed be God, I was enabled to speak
with life, power, and desire of the edification of God’s people; and
with some power to sinners. In the evening I was watchful, lest my heart
should by any means be drawn away from God. O when shall I come to that
blessed world where every power of my soul will be incessantly and
eternally wound up in heavenly employments and enjoyments, to the
highest degree!”
On Monday he went to Woodbridge, New-Jersey, where he met the
Correspondents, who, instead of sending him to the Indians at the Forks
of the Delaware, as before intended, directed him to go to a number of
Indians at Kaunaumeek; a place in New-York, in the woods between
Stockbridge and Albany. This alteration was occasioned by two things. 1.
Information which the correspondents had received of some contention
between the white people and the Indians on the Delaware, concerning
their lands; which they supposed would be a hinderance to the success of
a missionary among them at that time. 2. Some intimations which they had
received from Mr. Sergeant, Missionary to the Indians at Stockbridge,
concerning the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and the hopeful prospect of
success which a Missionary might have among them.
On the day following he set out on his journey for Kaunaumeek, and
arrived at Mr. Sergeant’s house in Stockbridge March 31.