_From his being licensed to preach, till he was commissioned as a
Missionary._
July 30.-Nov. 25, 1742.
_July 30, 1742._—“Rode from Danbury to Southbury; preached there, from 1
Pet. 4:8. Had much of the comfortable presence of God in the exercise. I
seemed to have power with God in prayer, and power to get hold of the
hearts of the people in preaching.
_Aug. 12._ (Near Kent.)—“This morning and last night I was exercised
with sore inward trials: I had no power to pray; but seemed shut out
from God. I had in a great measure lost my hopes of God’s sending me
among the Heathen afar off, and of seeing them flock home to Christ. I
saw so much of my vileness, that I wondered that God would let me live,
and that people did not stone me; much more that they would ever hear me
preach! It seemed as though I never could preach any more; yet about
nine or ten o’clock the people came over, and I was forced to preach;
and blessed be God, he gave me his presence and Spirit in prayer and
preaching; so that I was much assisted, and spake with power, from Job,
14:14. Some Indians residing here, cried out in great distress, and all
appeared greatly concerned. After we had prayed and exhorted them to
seek the Lord with constancy, and hired an Englishwoman to keep a kind
of _school_ among them, we came away.”
_Lord’s day, Aug. 15._—“Felt much comfort and devotedness to God this
day. At night, it was refreshing to get alone with God, and _pour out my
soul_. O, who can conceive of the sweetness of communion with the
blessed God, but those who have experience of it! Glory to God for ever,
that I may taste heaven below.
_Aug. 17._—“Exceedingly depressed in spirit, it cuts and wounds my heart
to think how much self-exaltation, spiritual pride, and warmth of
temper, I have formerly had intermingled with my endeavors to promote
God’s work: and sometimes I long to lie down at the feet of opposers,
and confess what a poor imperfect creature I have been, and still am.
The Lord forgive me, and make me, for the future, “wise as a serpent,
and harmless as a dove!” Afterward enjoyed considerable comfort and
delight of soul.
_Aug. 19._—“This day, being about to go from Mr. Bellamy’s, at
Bethlehem, where I had resided some time, I prayed with him and two or
three other Christian friends. We gave ourselves to God with all our
hearts, to be his for ever: eternity looked very near to me while I was
praying. If I never should see these Christians again in this world, it
seemed but a few moments before I should meet them in another world.
_Aug. 23._—“Had a sweet season in secret prayer: the Lord drew near to
my soul, and filled me with peace and divine consolation. O, my soul
tasted the sweetness of heaven; and was drawn out in prayer for the
world, that it might come home to Christ! Had much comfort in the
thoughts and hopes of the ingathering of the Heathen; was greatly
assisted in intercession for Christian friends.”
_Sept. 1._—“Went to Judea to the ordination of Mr. Judd. Mr. Bellamy
preached from Matt. 24:46. ‘Blessed is that servant whom his Lord, when
he cometh, shall find so doing.’ I felt very solemn; had my thoughts
much on that time when our Lord will come, which refreshed my soul much;
only I was afraid I should not be found faithful, because I have so vile
a heart. My thoughts were much in eternity, where I love to dwell.
Blessed be God for this solemn season. Rode home to-night with Mr.
Bellamy, conversed with some friends till it was very late, and then
retired to rest in a comfortable frame.
_Sept. 4._—“Much out of health, exceedingly depressed in my soul, and at
awful distance from God. Toward night, spent some time in profitable
thoughts on Rom. 8:2. Near night, had a very sweet season in prayer; God
enabled me to wrestle ardently for the advancement of the Redeemer’s
kingdom; pleaded earnestly for my own dear brother John, (who at length
became his successor as a Missionary to the Indians,) that God would
make him more of a pilgrim and stranger on the earth, and fit him for
singular serviceableness in the world; and my heart sweetly exulted in
the Lord, in the thoughts of any distresses that might alight on him or
on me, in the advancement of Christ’s kingdom. It was a sweet and
comfortable hour unto my soul, while I was indulged with freedom to
plead, not only for myself, but also for many other souls.
_Sept. 16._—“At night, enjoyed much of God, in secret prayer: felt an
uncommon resignation to be and do what God pleased. Some days past I
felt great perplexity on account of my past conduct: my bitterness, and
want of Christian kindness and love, has been very distressing to my
soul: the Lord forgive me my unchristian warmth, and want of a spirit of
meekness!
_Oct. 21._—“Had a very deep sense of the vanity of the world, most of
the day; had little more regard to it, than if I had been to go into
eternity the next hour. Through divine goodness, I felt very serious and
solemn. _O I love to live on the brink of eternity_, in my views and
meditations! This gives me a sweet, awful and reverential sense and
apprehension of God and divine things, when I see myself as it were,
standing before the judgment seat of Christ.
_Oct. 22._—“Uncommonly weaned from the world to-day: my soul delighted
to be a “stranger and pilgrim on the earth;” I felt a disposition in me
never to have any thing to do with this world. The character given of
some of the ancient people of God, in Heb. 11:13, was very pleasing to
me, “They confessed that they were pilgrims and strangers on the earth,”
by their daily practice; and O that I could always do so! Spent some
time in a pleasant grove, in prayer and meditation. O it is sweet to be
thus weaned from friends, and from myself, and dead to the present
world, that so I may live wholly to and upon the blessed God! Saw myself
little, low and vile as I am in myself. In the afternoon preached at
Bethlehem, from Deut. 8:2. God helped me to speak to the hearts of dear
Christians. Blessed be the Lord for this season: I trust they and I
shall rejoice on this account, to all eternity. Dear Mr. Bellamy came in
while I was making the first prayer, (having returned home from a
journey,) and after meeting we walked away together, and spent the
evening in sweetly conversing on divine things, and praying together,
with tender love to each other, and retired to rest with our hearts in a
serious spiritual frame.
_Oct. 26._—“[At West Suffield.] Was in great distress, under a sense of
my own unworthiness. It seemed to me that I deserved rather to be driven
out of the place, than to have any body treat me with kindness, or come
to hear me preach. And verily my spirits were so depressed at this time
(as at many others) that it was impossible I should treat immortal souls
with faithfulness. I could not deal closely and faithfully with them, I
felt so infinitely vile in myself. O what _dust and ashes_ I am, to
think of preaching the Gospel to others! Indeed, I never can be faithful
for one moment, but shall certainly “daub with untempered mortar,” if
God do not grant me special help. In the evening I went to the
meeting-house, and it looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of
the grave and preach, as for me. However, God afforded me some life and
power, both in prayer and sermon; and was pleased to lift me up, and
show me that he could enable me to preach. O the wonderful goodness of
God to so vile a sinner! Returned to my lodgings, and enjoyed some
sweetness in prayer alone, and mourned that I could not live more to
God.
_November 4._—“[At Lebanon.] Saw much of my nothingness most of this
day; but felt concerned that I had no more sense of my insufficiency and
unworthiness. O it is sweet _lying in the dust_! But it is distressing
to feel in my soul that hell of corruption which still remains in me. In
the afternoon had a sense of the sweetness of a strict, close, and
constant devotedness to God, and my soul was comforted with his
consolations. My soul felt a pleasing, yet painful concern, lest I
should spend some moments _without God_. O may I always _live to God_!
In the evening I was visited by some friends, and spent the time in
prayer, and such conversation as tended to our edification. It was a
comfortable season to my soul: I felt an intense desire to spend every
moment for God. God is unspeakably gracious to me continually. In times
past, he has given me inexpressible sweetness in the performance of
duty. Frequently my soul has enjoyed much of God; but has been ready to
say, “Lord, it is good to be here,” and so to indulge sloth, while I
have lived on my enjoyments. But of late, God has been pleased to keep
my soul _hungry_, almost continually; so that I have been filled with a
kind of pleasing pain. When I really enjoy God I feel my desires of him
the more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more
unquenchable; and the Lord will not allow me to feel as though I were
fully supplied and satisfied, but keeps me still reaching forward. I
feel barren and empty, as though I could not live without more of God; I
feel ashamed and guilty _before him_. I see that “the law is spiritual,
but I am carnal.” I do not, I cannot live to God. O for holiness! O for
more of God in my soul! O this pleasing pain! It makes my soul press
after God; the language of it is, “Then shall I be satisfied, when I
awake in God’s likeness,” but never, never before: and consequently, I
am engaged to “press toward the mark,” day by day. O that I may feel
this continual hunger, and not be retarded, but rather animated, by
every cluster from Canaan, to reach forward in the narrow way for the
full enjoyment and possession of the heavenly inheritance! O that I may
never loiter in my heavenly journey!”
_Lord’s day, Nov. 7._—“[At Millington.] It seemed as if such an unholy
wretch as I never could arrive at that blessedness, to be “holy, as God
is holy.” At noon, I longed for sanctification, and conformity to God. O
that is THE ALL, THE ALL. The Lord help me to _press after God_ for
ever.
_Nov. 8._—“Toward night, enjoyed much sweetness in secret prayer, so
that my soul longed for an arrival in the heavenly country, the blessed
paradise of God. Through divine goodness I have scarce seen the day for
two months, in which _death_ has not looked so pleasant to me, at one
time or other of the day, that I could have rejoiced that it should be
my last, notwithstanding my present inward trials and conflicts. I trust
the Lord will finally make me a conqueror, and more than a conqueror;
and that I shall be able to use that triumphant language, “O death,
where is thy sting! O grave, where is thy victory!”
_Nov. 19._—“[At New-Haven.] Received a letter from the Rev. Mr.
Pemberton, of New-York, desiring me speedily to go down thither, and
consult in reference to the evangelizing of the Indians in those parts;
and to meet certain gentlemen there who were intrusted with those
affairs. My mind was instantly seized with concern; so I retired, with
two or three Christian friends, and prayed; and indeed it was a sweet
time with me. I was enabled to leave myself, and all my concerns with
God; and taking leave of friends, I rode to Ripton, and was comforted in
an opportunity to see and converse with dear Mr. Mills.”
_Nov. 24._—“Came to New-York; felt still much concerned about the
importance of my business; made many earnest requests to God for his
help and direction; was confused with the noise and tumult of the city;
enjoyed but little time alone with God; but my soul longed after him.
_Nov. 25._—“Spent much time in prayer and supplication: was examined in
reference to my Christian experience, my acquaintance with divinity, and
some other studies and my qualifications for the important work of
evangelizing the heathen,[A] and was made sensible of my great ignorance
and unfitness for public service. I had the most abasing thoughts of
myself; I felt that I was the worst wretch that ever lived: it pained my
very heart, that any body should show me any respect. Alas! methought
how sadly they are deceived in me! how miserably would they be
disappointed if they knew my inside! O my heart! And in this depressed
condition I was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly,
before some grave and learned ministers; but felt such a pressure from a
sense of my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public, that
I was almost overcome with it; my soul was grieved for the congregation,
that they should sit there to hear such a _dead dog_ as I preach. I
thought myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that God
would reward them with the rewards of his grace. I spent much of the
evening alone.”
Footnote A:
Mr. Brainerd was examined by the correspondents in New-York,
New-Jersey, and Pennsylvania, of the Society in Scotland for
propagating Christian knowledge; to whom was committed the management
of their affairs in those parts, and who were now met at New-York.