_From about the time when he began the study of Theology, till he was
licensed to preach._
April 1, 1742-July 29, 1742.
In the spring of 1742 Brainerd went to live with the Rev. Mr. Mills of
Ripton, to pursue his studies with him for the work of the ministry.
Here he spent the greater part of the time until he was licensed to
preach; but frequently rode to visit the neighboring ministers,
particularly Mr. Cooke of Stratford. Mr. Graham of Southbury, and Mr.
Bellamy of Bethlehem. The following are extracts from his diary at this
period.
_April 1, 1742._—“I seem to be declining, with respect to my life and
warmth in divine things; have not had so free access to God in prayer
to-day as usual of late. Oh that God would humble me deeply in the dust
before him! I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, who
has, I trust, “loved me and given himself for me and every time I am
enabled to exercise any grace renewedly, I am renewedly indebted to the
God of all grace for special assistance. “Where then is boasting?”
Surely “it is excluded,” when we think how we are dependent on God for
the existence and every act of grace. O if ever I get to heaven, it will
be because God pleases, and nothing else; for I never did any thing of
myself but get away from God! My soul will be astonished at the
unsearchable riches of divine grace when I arrive at the mansions which
the blessed Savior is gone before to prepare.
_April 2._—“In the afternoon I felt, in secret prayer, much resigned,
calm and serene. What are all the storms of this lower world if _Jesus_,
by his Spirit, does but come _walking on the seas_!—Sometime past I had
much pleasure in the prospect of the Heathen being brought home to
Christ, and desired that the Lord would employ _me_ in that work; but
now my soul more frequently desires to die, _to be with Christ_. Oh that
my soul were wrapt up in divine love, and my longing desires after God
increased! In the evening was refreshed in prayer, with the hopes of the
advancement of Christ’s kingdom in the world.
_Lord’s day, April 4._—“My heart was wandering and lifeless. In the
evening God gave me faith in prayer, made my soul melt in some measure,
and gave me to taste a divine sweetness. O my blessed God! Let me climb
up near to him, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and stretch
after him, and for deliverance from the body of sin and death. Alas! my
soul mourned to think I should ever lose sight of its beloved again. “O
come, Lord Jesus, Amen.”
_April 6._—“I walked out this morning; had an affecting sense of my own
vileness; and cried to God to cleanse me, to give me repentance and
pardon. I then began to find it sweet to pray; and could think of
undergoing the greatest sufferings in the cause of Christ, with
pleasure; and found myself willing, if God should so order it, to suffer
banishment from my native land, among the heathen, that I might do
something for their salvation, in distresses and deaths of any kind.
Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly for others, for the kingdom of
Christ in the world, and for dear Christian friends.
_April 8._—“Had raised hopes to-day respecting the heathen. Oh that God
would bring in great numbers of them to Jesus Christ! I cannot but hope
that I shall see that glorious day. Every thing in this world seems
exceeding vile and little to me: I appear so to myself. I had some
little dawn of comfort to-day in prayer; but especially to-night, I
think I had some faith and _power_ of intercession with God. I was
enabled to plead with God for the growth of grace in myself; and many of
the dear children of God then lay with weight upon my soul. Blessed be
the Lord! It is good to wrestle for divine blessings.
_April 9._—“Most of my time in morning devotion was spent without
sensible sweetness; yet I had one delightful prospect of arriving at the
heavenly world. I am more amazed than ever at such thoughts; for I see
myself infinitely vile and unworthy. No poor creature stands in need of
divine grace more than I, and none abuse it more than I have done, and
still do.
_Lord’s day, April 11._—“In the morning I felt but little life; yet my
heart was somewhat drawn out in thankfulness to God for his amazing
grace and condescension to me, in past influences and assistances of his
Spirit. Afterward, I had some sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at
the _heavenly world_. O for the happy day! After public worship, God
gave me special assistance in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord, and
intercession was made a delightful employment to me. In the evening, as
I was viewing the light in the north, I was delighted in the
contemplation of the glorious morning of the resurrection.
_April 12._—“This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the light of
his countenance upon me in secret prayer, and made the season very
precious to my soul. Though I have been so depressed of late, respecting
my hopes of future serviceableness in the cause of God; yet now I had
much encouragement. I was especially assisted to intercede and plead for
poor souls, and for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom in the world,
and for _special grace_ for myself, to fit me for _special services_. My
faith lifted me above the world, and removed all those mountains over
which of late I could not look. I wanted not the favor of man to lean
upon; for I knew that Christ’s favor was infinitely better, and that it
was no matter _when_ nor _where_, nor _how_ Christ should send me, nor
what trials he should still exercise me with, if I might be prepared for
his work and will.
_April 14._—“My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for the
mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. O,
there is a sweet day coming, wherein “the weary will be at rest!” My
soul has enjoyed much sweetness this day, in the hope of its speedy
arrival.
_April 15._—“My desires apparently centered in God and I found a
sensible attraction of soul after him sundry times to-day. I know that
_I long for God_, and a conformity to his will, in inward purity and
holiness, ten thousand times more than for any thing here below.
_Lord’s day, April 18._—“I retired early this morning into the woods for
prayer; had the assistance of God’s Spirit, and faith in exercise; and
was enabled to plead with fervency for the advancement of Christ’s
kingdom in the world, and to intercede for dear, absent friends. At
noon, God enabled me to wrestle with him, and to feel, as I trust, the
power of divine love in prayer. At night, I saw myself infinitely
indebted to God, and had a view of my failures in duty. It seemed to me
that I had done, as it were, nothing for God, and that I had _lived to
him_ but a few hours of my life.
_April 19._—“I set apart this day for fasting and prayer to God for his
grace; especially to prepare me for the work of the _ministry_; to give
me divine aid and direction, in my preparations for that great work; and
in his own time _to send me into his harvest_. Accordingly, in the
morning I endeavored to plead for the divine presence for the day, and
not without some life. In the forenoon I felt the power of intercession
for precious, immortal souls; for the advancement of the kingdom of my
dear Lord and Savior in the world; and withal, a most sweet resignation
and even consolation and joy, in the thoughts of suffering hardships,
distresses, and even death itself, in the promotion of it, and had
special enlargement in pleading for the enlightening and conversion of
the poor heathen. In the afternoon God was with me of a truth. O, it was
blessed company indeed! God enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I
was quite wet with sweat, though in the shade and the cool wind. My soul
was drawn out very much for the world; I grasped for _multitudes_ of
souls. I think I had more enlargement for sinners than for the children
of God; though I felt as if I could spend my life in cries for both. I
had great enjoyment in communion with my dear Savior. I think I never in
my life felt such an entire weanedness from this world, and so much
resigned to God in every thing. O that I may always live to and upon my
blessed God! Amen, Amen.
_April 20._—“This day I am twenty-four years of age. O how much mercy
have I received the year past! How often has God “caused his goodness to
pass before me!” And how poorly have I answered the vows I made one year
since, to be wholly the Lord’s, to be for ever devoted to his service!
The Lord help me to live more to his glory for the time to come. This
has been a sweet, a happy day to me; blessed be God. I think my soul was
never so drawn out in intercession for others, as it has been this
night. Had a most fervent wrestle with the Lord to-night, for my
enemies; and I hardly ever so longed to live to God, and to be
altogether devoted to him; I wanted to wear out my life in his service,
and for his glory.
_April 21._ “Felt much calmness and resignation; and God again enabled
me to wrestle for numbers of souls, and gave me fervency in the sweet
duty of intercession. I enjoy of late more sweetness in intercession for
others, than in any other part of prayer. My blessed Lord really let me
come near to him, and plead with him.
_Lord’s day, April 25._ “This morning I spent about two hours in secret
duties, and was enabled, more than ordinarily, to agonize for immortal
souls. At night I was exceedingly melted with divine love, and had some
feeling sense of the blessedness of the upper world. Those words hung
upon me with much divine sweetness. Psa. 84:7. “They go from strength to
strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before God.” O the near
access that God sometimes gives us in our addresses to him! This may
well be termed “appearing before God:” it is so indeed, in the true
spiritual sense, and in the sweetest sense. I think that I have not had
such power of intercession these many months, both for God’s children,
and for dead sinners, as I have had this evening. I wished and longed
for the coming of my dear Lord: I longed to join the angelic hosts in
praises, wholly free from imperfection. O, the blessed moment hastens!
All I want is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord. Oh for
sanctification! My very soul pants for the complete restoration of the
blessed image of my Savior; that I may be fit for the blessed enjoyments
and employments of the heavenly world.
“Farewell, vain world; my soul can bid Adieu
“My SAVIOR taught me to abandon you.
“Your charms may gratify a SENSUAL mind;
“But cannot please a soul for GOD design’d.
“Forbear t’ entice; cease then my soul to call;
“’Tis fixed through grace; my God shall be my ALL.
“While he thus lets me heavenly glories view,
“Your beauties fade, my heart’s no room for you.”
“The Lord refreshed my soul with many sweet passages of his word. O the
New Jerusalem! my soul longed for it. O the song of Moses and the Lamb!
And that blessed song, that no man can learn but they who are “redeemed
from the earth!”
“Lord, I’m a stranger here alone;
“Earth no true comforts can afford;
“Yet, absent from my dearest one,
“My soul delights to cry ‘My Lord!’
“JESUS, my Lord, my only love,
“Possess my soul, nor thence depart:
“Grant me kind visits, heavenly Dove;
“My God shall then have all my heart.”
_April 27._ “I arose and retired early for secret devotions; and in
prayer, God was pleased to pour such ineffable comforts into my soul,
that I could do nothing for some time but say over and over, “O my sweet
Savior! whom have I in Heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth
that I desire beside thee.” If I had a thousand lives, my soul would
gladly have laid them all down at once, to have been with CHRIST. My
soul never enjoyed so much of heaven before; it was the most refined and
most spiritual season of communion with God I ever yet felt.
_April 28._—“I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, in great peace
and tranquility, spent about two hours in secret duties, and felt much
as I did yesterday morning, only weaker, and more overcome. I seemed to
depend wholly on my dear Lord; weaned from all other dependencies. I
knew not what to say to my God, but only _lean on his bosom_, as it
were, and breathe out my desires after a perfect conformity to him in
all things. Thirsting desires after _perfect holiness_, and insatiable
longings possessed my soul. God was so precious to me that the world,
with all its enjoyments, was infinitely vile. I had no more value for
the favor of men, than for pebbles. The LORD was my ALL, and that he
over-ruled all, greatly delighted me. I think that my faith and
dependence on God scarce ever rose so high. I saw him such a fountain of
goodness that it seemed impossible I should distrust him again, or be
any way anxious about any thing that should happen to me. I now had
great satisfaction in praying for absent friends, and for the
enlargement of Christ’s kingdom in the world. Much of the power of these
divine enjoyments remained with me through the day. In the evening my
heart seemed to melt, and I trust was really humbled for indwelling
corruption, and I “mourned like a dove.” I felt that all my unhappiness
arose from my being a _sinner_. With resignation, I could bid welcome to
all _other_ trials; but sin hung heavy upon me; for God discovered to me
the corruption of my heart. I went to bed with a heavy heart, _because I
was a sinner_; though I did not in the least doubt of God’s love. O that
God would “purge away my dross, and take away my tin,” and make me ten
times refined!
_May 1._—“I was enabled to cry to God with fervency for ministerial
qualifications, that he would appear for the advancement of his own
kingdom, and that he would bring in the Heathen. Had much assistance in
my studies. This has been a profitable week to me; I have enjoyed many
communications of the blessed Spirit in my soul.
_May 3._—“Had a sense of vile ingratitude. In the morning I withdrew to
my usual place of retirement, and mourned for my abuse of my dear Lord;
spent the day in fasting and prayer. God gave me much power of wrestling
for his cause and kingdom; and it was a happy day to my soul. God was
with me all the day; and I was more above the world than ever in my
life.
_May 13._—(At Wethersfield.) “Saw so much of the wickedness of my heart
that I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought that there
was so much spiritual _pride_ in my soul. I felt almost pressed to death
with my own vileness. O what a “body of death” is there in me! Lord
deliver my soul! I could not find any convenient place for retirement,
and was greatly exercised. Rode to Hartford in the afternoon; had some
refreshment and comfort in religious exercises with christian friends;
but longed for more retirement. O, the closest walk with God is the
sweetest heaven that can be enjoyed on earth!
_June 14._—“Felt somewhat of the sweetness of communion with God, and
the constraining force of his love; how admirably it captivates the
soul, and makes all the desires and affections centre in God!—I set
apart this day for secret fasting and prayer, to entreat God to direct
and bless me with regard to the great work which I have in view, of
_preaching the gospel_—and that the Lord would return to me, and
individually “show me the light of his countenance.” Had little life and
power in the forenoon: near the middle of the afternoon God enabled me
to wrestle ardently in intercession for absent friends: but just at
night the Lord visited me marvellously in prayer. I think my soul never
was in such an agony before. I felt no restraint, for the treasures of
divine grace were opened to me. I wrestled for absent friends, for the
ingathering of souls, for _multitudes_ of poor souls, and for many that
I thought were the children of God, in many distant places. I was in
such an agony, from half an hour before sunset, till near dark, that I
was all over wet with sweat: but yet it seemed to me that I had wasted
away the day, and had done nothing. O, my dear Savior did _sweat blood_
for poor souls! I longed for more compassion toward them. Felt still in
a sweet frame, under a sense of divine love and grace; and went to bed
in such a frame, with my heart set on God.
_June 15._—“Had the most ardent longings after God. At noon, in my
secret retirement, I could do nothing but tell my dear Lord, in a sweet
calm, that he knew I desired nothing but _himself_, nothing but
_holiness_; that he had given me these desires, and he only could give
me the thing desired. I never seemed to be so unhinged from myself, and
to be so wholly devoted to God. My heart was swallowed up in God most of
the day. In the evening I had such a view of the soul being, as it were,
enlarged, to contain more holiness, that it seemed ready to separate
from my body. I then wrestled in an agony for divine blessings; had my
heart drawn out in prayer for some christian friends, beyond what I ever
had before. I feel differently now from what I ever did under any
enjoyments before; more engaged to _live to God_ for ever, and less
pleased with my own frames. I am not satisfied with my frames, nor feel
at all more easy after such strugglings than before; for it seems far
too little, if I could always be so. O how short do I fall of my duty in
my sweetest moments!
_June 18._—“Considering my great unfitness for the work of the
_ministry_, my present deadness, and total inability to do any thing for
the glory of God that way, feeling myself very helpless, and at a great
loss what the Lord would have me to do; I set apart this day for prayer
to God, and spent most of the day in that duty, but was amazingly
deserted most of the day. Yet I found God graciously near, once in
particular; while I was pleading for more compassion for immortal souls,
my heart seemed to be opened at once, and I was enabled to cry with
great ardency for a few minutes. O, I was distressed to think, that I
should offer such dead cold services to the living God! My soul seemed
to breathe after holiness, a life of constant devotedness to God. But I
am almost lost sometimes in the pursuit of this blessedness, and ready
to sink, because I continually fall short, and miss of my desire. O that
the Lord would help me to hold out, yet a little while, until the happy
hour of deliverance comes!
_June 30._—“Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and prayer;
underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul. I saw myself so vile
that I was ready to say, “I shall now perish by the hand of Saul.” I
thought that I had no power to stand for the cause of God, but was
almost afraid of the shaking of a leaf. Spent almost the whole day in
prayer, incessantly. I could not bear to think of Christians showing me
any respect. I almost despaired of doing any service in the world: I
could not feel any hope or comfort respecting the heathen, which used to
afford me some refreshment in the darkest hours of this nature. I spent
the day in bitterness of soul. Near night I felt a little better; and
afterward enjoyed some sweetness in secret prayer.
_July 1._—“Had some enjoyment in prayer this morning; and far more than
usual in secret prayer to-night, and desired nothing so ardently as that
_God should do with me just as he pleased_.
_July 2._—“Felt composed in secret prayer in the morning. My desires
ascended to God this day, as I was traveling: was comfortable in the
evening. Blessed be God for all my consolations.
_July 3._—“My heart seemed again to sink. The disgrace I was laid under
at college seemed to damp my spirits; as it opens the mouths of
opposers. I had no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that I may go
to him at all times, and find him a help.’
_Lord’s day, July 4._—“Had considerable assistance. In the evening I
withdrew, and enjoyed a happy season in secret prayer. God was pleased
to give me the exercise of faith, and thereby brought the invisible and
eternal world near to my soul; which appeared sweetly to me. I hoped
that my weary pilgrimage in the world would be _short_; and that it
would not be long before I should be brought to my heavenly home and
Father’s house. I was resigned to God’s will, to tarry his time, to do
his work, and suffer his pleasure. I felt _thankfulness_ to God for all
my pressing _desertions_ of late; for I am persuaded that they have been
made a means of making me more humble, and much more resigned. I felt
pleased to be little, to be nothing, and to lie in the dust. I enjoyed
life and consolation in pleading for the dear children of God, and the
kingdom of Christ in the world: and my soul earnestly breathed after
holiness, and the enjoyment of God. “O come, Lord Jesus, come quickly.”
_July 29._—“I was examined by the Association met at Danbury, as to my
_learning_, and also my _experience_ in religion, and received a licence
from them to preach the Gospel of Christ. Afterward felt much devoted to
God; joined in prayer with one of the ministers, my peculiar friend, in
a convenient place; and went to bed resolving to live devoted to God all
my days.”