and lift them, together with my shift, navel-high, where he just tucked
them up loosely, and might be slipt up higher at pleasure. Then viewing
me round with great seeming delight, he laid me at length on my face
upon the bench, and when I expected he would tie me, as I had done him,
and held out my hands, not without fear and a little trembling, he told
me, “he would by no means terrify me unnecessarily with such a
confinement; for that though he meant to put my constancy to a trial,
the standing it was to be completely voluntary on my side, and
therefore I might be at full liberty to get up whenever I found the
pain too much for me.” You cannot imagine how much I thought myself
bound, by being thus allowed to remain loose, and how much spirit this
confidence in me gave me, so that I was even from my heart careless how
much my flesh might suffer in honour of it.
All my back parts, naked half way up, were now fully at his mercy: and
first, he stood at a convenient distance, delighting himself with a
gloating survey of the attitude I lay in, and of all the secret stores
I thus exposed to him in fair display. Then, springing eagerly towards
me, he covered all those naked parts with a fond profusion of kisses;
and now, taking hold of the rod, rather wantoned with me, in gentle
inflictions on those tender trembling masses of my flesh behind, than
in any way hurt them, till by degrees, he began to tingle them with
smarter lashes, so as to provoke a red colour into them, which I knew,
as well by the flagrant glow I felt there, as by his telling me, they
now emulated the native roses of my other cheeks. When he had thus
amused himself with admiring, and toying with them, he went on to
strike harder, and more hard, so that I needed all my patience not to
cry out, or complain at least. At last, he twigged me so smartly as to
fetch blood in more than one lash: at sight of which he flung down the
rod, flew to me, kissed away the starting drops, and sucking the wounds
eased a good deal of my pain. But now raising me on my knees, and
making me kneel with them straddling wide, that tender part of me,
naturally the province of pleasure, not of pain, came in for its share
of suffering: for now, eyeing it wistfully, he directed the rod so that
the sharp ends of the twigs lighted there, so sensibly, that I could
not help wincing, and writhing my limbs with smart; so that my
contortions of body must necessarily throw it into infinite variety of
postures and points of view, fit to feast the luxury of the eye. But
still I bore every thing without crying out: when presently giving me
another pause, he rushed, as it were, on that part whose lips, and
round about, had felt this cruelty, and by way of reparation, glued his
own to them; then he opened, shut, squeezed them, plucked softly the
overgrowing moss, and all this in a style of wild passionate rapture
and enthusiasm, that expressed excess of pleasure; till betaking
himself to the rod again, encouraged by my passiveness, and infuriated
with this strange taste of delight, he made my poor posteriors pay for
the ungovernableness of it; for now showing them no quarter, the
traitor cut me so, that I wanted but little of fainting away, when he
gave over. And yet I did not utter one groan, or angry expostulation;
but in my heart I resolved nothing so seriously, as never to expose
myself again to the like severities.
You may guess then in what a curious pickle those soft flesh-cushions
of mine were, all so red, raw, and in fine, terribly clawed off; but so
far from feeling any pleasure in it, that the recent smart made me pout
a little, and not with the greatest air of satisfaction receive the
compliments, and after-caresses of the author of my pain.
As soon as my clothes were huddled on in a little decency, a supper was
brought in by the discreet Mrs. Cole herself, which might have piqued
the sensuality of a cardinal, accompanied with a choice of the richest
wines: all which she set before us, and went out again, without having,
by a word or even by a smile, given us the least interruption or
confusion, in those moments of secrecy, that we were not yet ripe to
the admission of a third too.
I sat down then, still scarce in charity with my butcher, for such I
could not help considering him, and was moreover not a little piqued at
the gay, satisfied air of his countenance, which I thought myself
insulted by. But when the now necessary refreshment to me of a glass of
wine, and a little eating (all the time observing a profound silence)
had somewhat cheered and restored me to spirits, and as the smart began
to go off, my good humour returned accordingly: which alteration not
escaping him, he said and did every thing that could confirm me in, and
indeed exalt it.
But scarce was supper well over, before a change so incredible was
wrought in me, such violent, yet pleasingly irksome sensations took
possession of me that I scarce knew how to contain myself; the smart of
the lashes was now converted into such a prickly heat, such fiery
tinglings, as made me sigh, squeeze my thighs together, shift and
wriggle about my seat, with a furious restlessness; whilst these
itching ardours, thus excited in those parts on which the storm of
discipline had principally fallen, detached legions of burning,
subtile, stimulating spirits, to their opposite spot and centre of
assemblage, where their titillation raged so furiously, that I was even
stinging made with them. No wonder then that in such a taking, and
devoured by flames that licked up all modesty and reserve, my eyes, now
charged brimful of the most intense desire, fired on my companion very
intelligible signal of distress: my companion, I say, who grew in them
every instant more amiable, and more necessary to my urgent wishes and
hopes of immediate ease.
Mr. Barville, no stranger, by experience, to these situations, soon
knew the pass I was brought to soon perceived my extreme disorder; in
favour of which, removing the table out of the way, he began a prelude
that flattered me with instant relief, to which I was not, however, so
near as I imagined: for as he was unbuttoned to me, and tried to
provoke and rouse to action his unactive torpid machine, he blushingly
owned that no good was to be expected from it, unless I took it in hand
to re-excite its languid loitering powers, by just refreshing the smart
of the yet recent blood-raw cuts, seeing it could, no more than a boy’s
top, keep up without lashing. Sensible then that I should work as much
for my own profit as his, I hurried my compliance with his desire, and
abridging the ceremonial, whilst he leaned his head against the back of
a chair, I had scarce gently made him feel the lash, before I saw the
object of my wishes give signs of life, and presently, as it were with
a magic touch, is started up into a noble size and distinction indeed.
Hastening then to give me the benefit of it, he threw me down on the
bench; but such was the refreshed soreness of those parts behind, on my
leaning so hard on them, as became me to compass the admission of that
stupendous head of his machine, that I could not possibly bear it. I
got up then, and tried, by leaning forwards, and turning the crupper on
my assailant, to let him at the back avenue: but here it was likewise
impossible to stand his bearing so fiercely against me, in his
agitations and endeavours to enter that way, whilst his belly battered
directly against the recent sore. What should we do now? both
intolerably heated: both in a fury; but pleasure is ever inventive for
its own ends: he strips me in a trice stark naked, and placing a broad
settee-cushion on the carpet before the fire, oversets me gently, topsy
turvy, on it; and handling me only at the waist, whilst you may be sure
I favoured all my dispositions, brought my legs round his neck; so that
my head was kept from the floor only by my hands and the velvet
cushion, which was now bespread with my flowing hair: thus I stood on
my head and hands, supported by him in such manner, that whilst my
thighs clung round him, so as to expose to his sight all my back
figure, including the theatre of his bloody pleasure, the centre of my
fore pair fairly bearded the object of its rage, that now stood in
fine condition to give me satisfaction for the injuries of its
neighbours. But as this posture was certainly not the easiest, and our
imaginations, wound up to the height, could suffer no delay, he first,
with the utmost eagerness and effort, just lip-lodged that broad
acorn-fashioned head of his instrument; and still befriended by the
fury with which he had made that impression, he soon stuffed in the
rest; when now, with a pursuit of thrusts, fiercely urged, he
absolutely overpowered and absorbed all sense of pain and uneasiness,
whether from my wounds behind, my most untoward posture, or the
oversize of his stretcher, in an infinitely predominant delight; when
now all my whole spirits of life and sensation rushing, impetuously to
the cock-pit, where the prize of pleasure was hotly in dispute and
clustering to a point there, I soon received the dear relief of nature
from these over-violent strains and provocations of it; harmonizing
with which, my gallant spouted into me such a potent overflow of the
balsamic injection, as softened and unedged all those irritating stings
of a new species of titillation, which I had been so intolerably
maddened with, and restored the ferment of my senses to some degree of
composure.
I had now achieved this rare adventure ultimately much more to my
satisfaction than I had bespoken the nature of it to turn out; nor was
it much lessened, you may think, by spark’s lavish praises of my
constancy and complaisance, which he gave weight to by a present that
greatly surpassed my utmost expectation, besides his gratification to
Mrs. Cole.
I was not, however, at any time re-enticed to renew with him, or resort
again to the violent expedient of lashing nature into more haste than
good speed: which, by the way, I conceive acts somewhat in the manner
of a dose of Spanish flies; with more pain perhaps, but less danger;
and might be necessary to him, but was nothing less so than to me,
whose appetite wanted the bridle more than the spur.
Mrs. Cole, to whom this adventurous exploit had more and more endeared
me, looked on me now as a girl after her own heart, afraid of nothing,
and, on a good account, hardly enough to fight all the weapons of
pleasure through. Attentive then, in consequence of these favourable
conceptions, to promote either my profit or pleasure, she had special
regard for the first, in a new gallant of a very singular turn, that
she procured for and introduced to me.
This was a grave staid, solemn, elderly gentleman, whose peculiar
humour was a delight in combing fine tresses of hair; and as I was
perfectly headed to his taste, he used to come constantly at my toilet
hours, when I let down my hair as loose as nature, and abandoned it to
him to do what he pleased with it; and accordingly he would keep me an
hour or more in play with it, drawing the comb through it, winding the
curls round his fingers, even kissing it as he smoothed it; and all
this led to no other use of my person, or any other liberties whatever,
any more than if a distinction of sexes had not existed.
Another peculiarity of taste he had, which was to present me with a
dozen pairs of the whitest kid gloves at a time: these he would divert
himself with drawing on me, and then biting off their finger ends; all
which fooleries of a silly appetite, the old gentleman paid more
liberally for, than most others did for more essential favours. This
lasted till a violent cough, seizing and laying him up, delivered me
from this most innocent and insipid trifler, for I never heard more of
him after his first retreat.
You may be sure a by-job of this sort interfered with no other pursuit,
or plan of life; which I led, in truth, with a modesty and reserve that
was less the work of virtue than of exhausted novelty, a glut of
pleasure, and easy circumstances, that made me indifferent to any
engagements in which pleasure and profit were not eminently united; and
such I could, with the less impatience, wait for at the hands of time
and fortune, as I was satisfied I could never mend my pennyworths,
having evidently been served at the top of the market, and even been
pampered with dainties: besides that, in the sacrifice of a few
momentary impulses, I found a secret satisfaction in respecting myself,
as well as preserving the life and freshness of my complexion. Louisa
and Emily did not carry indeed their reserve so high as I did; but
still they were far from cheap or abandoned, though two of their
adventures seemed to contradict this general character, which, for
their singularity, I shall give you in course, beginning first with
Emily’s:
Louisa and she went one night to a ball, the first in the habit of a
shepherdess, Emily in that of a shepherd: I saw them in their dresses
before they went, and nothing in nature could represent a prettier boy
than this last did, being so fair and well limbed. They had kept
together for some time, when Louisa, meeting an old acquaintance of
hers, very cordially gives her companion the slip, and leaves her under
the protection of her boy’s habit, which was not much, and of her
discretion, which was, it seems, still less. Emily, finding herself
deserted, sauntered thoughtless about a while, and, as much for
coolness and air as any thing else, at length pulled off her mask and
went to the sideboard; where, eyed and marked out by a gentleman in a
very handsome domino, she was accosted by, and fell into chat with him.
The domino, after a little discourse, in which Emily doubtless
distinguished her good nature and easiness more than her wit, began to
make violent love to her, and drawing her insensibly to some benches at
the lower end of the masquerade room, got her to sit by him, where he
squeezed her hands, pinched her cheeks, praised and played with her
fine hair, admired her complexion, and all in a style of courtship
dashed with a certain oddity, that not comprehending the mystery of,
poor Emily attributed to his falling in with the humour of her
disguise; and being naturally not the cruellest of her profession,
began to incline to a parley on those essentials. But here was the
stress of the joke: he took her really for what she appeared to be, a
smock-faced boy; and she, forgetting her dress, and of course ranging
quite wide of his ideas, took all those address to be paid to herself
as a woman, which she precisely owed to his not thinking her one.
However, this double error was pushed to such a height on both sides,
that Emily, who saw nothing in him but a gentleman of distinction by
those points of dress to which his disguise did not extend, warmed too
by the wine he had plyed her with, and the caresses he had lavished
upon her, suffered herself to be persuaded to go to a bagnio with him;
and thus, losing sight of Mrs. Cole’s cautions, with a blind
confidence, put herself into his hands, to be carried wherever he
pleased. For his part, equally blinded by his wishes, whilst here
gregious simplicity favoured his deception more than the most exquisite
art could have done, he supposed, no doubt, that he had lighted on some
soft simpleton, fit for his; purpose, or some kept minion broken to his
hand, who understood him perfectly well, and entered into his designs.
But, be that as it would, he led her to a coach, went into it with her,
and brought her to a very handsome apartment, with a bed in it; but
whether it was a bagnio or not, she could not tell, having spoken to
nobody but himself. But when they were alone together, and her
inamorato began to proceed to those extremities which instantly
discover the sex, she remarked, that no description could paint up to
the life, the mixture of pique, confusion and disappointment, that
appeared in his countenance, joined to the mournful exclamation: “By
heavens, a woman!” This at once opened her eyes, which had been shut in
downright stupidity. However, as if he had meant to retrieve that
escape, he still continued to toy with and fondle her, but with so
staring an alteration from extreme warmth into a chill and forced
civility, that even Emily herself could not but take notice of it, and
now began to wish she had paid more regard to Mrs. Cole’s premonitions
against ever engaging with a stranger. And now an excess of timidity
succeeded to an excess of confidence, and she thought herself so much
at his mercy and discretion, that she stood passive throughout the
whole progress of his prelude: for now, whether the impressions of so
great a beauty had even made him forgive her sex, or whether her
appearance or figure in that dress still humoured his first illusion,
he recovered by degrees a good part of his first warmth, and keeping
Emily with her breeches still unbuttoned, stript them down to her
knees, and gently impelling her to lean down, with her face against the
bed-side, placed her so, that the double way, between the double rising
behind, presented the choice fair to him, and he was so fairly set on a
mis-direction, as to give the girl no small alarms for fear of losing a
maidenhead she had not dreamt of. However, her complaints, and a
resistance, gentle, but firm, checked and brought him to himself again;
so that turning his steed’s head, he drove him at length in the right
road, in which his imagination having probably made the most of those
resemblances that flattered his taste, he got, with much ado, to his
journey’s end: after which, he led her out himself, and walking with
her two or three streets length, got her a chair, when making her a
present not any thing inferior to what she could have expected, he left
her, well recommended to the chairmen, who, on her directions, brought
her home.
This she related to Mrs. Cole and me the same morning, not without the
visible remains of the fear and confusion she had been in, still
stamped on her countenance. Mrs. Cole’s remark was, that her
indiscretion proceeding from a constitutional facility, there were
little hopes of any thing curing her of it, but repeated severe
experience. Mine was, that I could not conceive how it was possible for
mankind to run into a taste, not only universally odious, but absurd,
and impossible to gratify; since, according to the notions and
experience I had of things, it was not in nature to force such immense
disproportions. Mrs. Cole only smiled at my ignorance, and said nothing
towards my undeception, which was not affected but by ocular
demonstration, some months after, which a most singular accident
furnished me, and which I will here set down, that I may not return
again to so disagreeable a subject.
I had, on a visit intended to Harriet, who had taken lodgings at
Hampton-court, hired a chariot to go out thither, Mrs. Cole having,
promised to accompany me; but some indispensable business intervening,
to detain her, I was obliged to set out alone; and scarce had I got a
third of my way, before the axle-tree broke down, and I was well off to
get out, safe and unhurt, into a public-house, of a tolerable handsome
appearance, on the road. Here the people told me that the stage would
come by in a couple of hours at farthest, upon; which, determining to
wait for it, sooner than lose the jaunt I had got so far forward on, I
was carried into a very clean decent room, up one pair of stairs, which
I took possession of for the time I had to stay, in right of calling
for sufficient to do the house justice.
Here, whilst I was amusing myself with looking out of the window, a
single horse-chaise stopt at the door, out of which lightly leaped two
young’ gentlemen, for so they seemed, who came in only as it were to
bait and refresh a little, for they gave their horse to be held in
readiness against they came out. And presently I heard the door of the
next room, where they were let in, and called about them briskly; and
as soon as they were served, I could just hear that they shut and
fastened the door on the inside.
A spirit of curiosity, far from sudden, since I do not know when I was
without it, prompted me, without any particular suspicion, or other
drift or view, to see what they were, and examine their persons and
behaviour. The partition of our rooms was one of those moveable ones
that, when taken down, served occasionally to lay them into one, for
the conveniency of as larger company; and now, my nicest search could
not shew me the shadow of a peep-hole, a circumstance which probably
had not escaped the review of the parties on the other side, whom much
it stood upon not to be deceived in it; but at length I observed a
paper patch of the same colour as the wainscot, which I took to conceal
some flaw; but then it was so high, that I was obliged to stand upon a
chair to reach it, which I did as soft as possible, and, with a point
of a bodkin, soon pierced it, and opened myself espial room sufficient.
And now, applying my eye close, I commanded the room perfectly, and
could see my two young sparks romping and pulling one another about,
entirely, to my imagination, in frolic and innocent play.
The eldest might be, on my nearest guess, towards nineteen, a tall
comely young man, in a white fustian frock, with a green velvet cape,
and cut bob-wig.
The youngest could not be above seventeen, fair, ruddy, completely well
made, and to say the truth, a sweet pretty stripling: he was too, I
fancy, a country lad, by his dress, which was a green plush frock, and
breeches of the same, white waistcoat and stockings, a jockey cap, with
his yellowish hair, long and loose, in natural curls.
But after a look of circumspection, which I saw the eldest cast every
way round the room, probably in too much hurry and heat not to overlook
the very small opening I was posted at, especially at the height it
was, whilst my eye close to it kept the light from shining through and
betraying it, he said something to his companion that presently changed
the face of things.
For now the elder began to embrace, to press and kiss the younger, to
put his hands into his bosom, and give him such manifest signs of an
amorous intention, as made me conclude the other to be a girl in
disguise: a mistake that nature kept me in countenance for, for she had
certainly made one, when she gave him the male stamp.
In the rashness then of their age, and bent as they were to accomplish
their project of preposterous pleasure, at the risk of the very worst
of consequences, where a discovery was nothing less than improbable,
they now proceeded to such lengths as soon satisfied me what they were.
For presently the eldest unbuttoned the other’s breeches, and removing
the linen barrier, brought out to view a white shaft, middle sized, and
scarce fledged, when after handling and playing with it a little, with
other dalliance, all received by the boy without other opposition than
certain wayward coyness, ten times-more alluring than repulsive, he got
him so turned round, with his face from him, to a chair that stood hard
by; when knowing, I suppose, his office, the Ganymede now obsequiously
leaned his head against the back of it, and projecting his body, made a
fair mark, still covered with his shirt. As he thus stood in a side
view to me, but fronting his companion, who, presently unmasking his
battery, produced an engine that certainly deserved to be put to a
better use, and very fit to confirm me in my disbelief of the
possibility of things; being pushed to odious extremities, which I had
built on the disproportion of parts; but this disbelief I was now cured
of, as by my consent all young men should likewise be, that their
innocence may not be betrayed into such snares, for want of knowing the
extent of their danger: for nothing is more certain than that ignorance
of advice is by no means a guard against it.