LETTER THE SECOND
Madam,
If I have delayed the sequel of my history, it has been purely to allow
myself a little breathing time not without some hopes, that, instead of
pressing me to a continuation, you would have acquitted me of the task
of pursuing a confession, in the course of which my self-esteem has so
many wounds to sustain.
I imagined, indeed, that you would have been cloyed and tired with
uniformity of adventures and expressions, inseparable from a subject of
this sort, whose bottom, or groundwork being, in the nature of things
eternally one and the same, whatever variety of forms and modes the
situations are susceptible of, there is no escaping a repetition of
near the same images, the same figures, the same expressions, with this
further inconvenience added to the disgust it creates, that the words
Joys, Ardours, Transports, Extasies and the rest of those pathetic
terms so congenial to, so received in the Practice of Pleasure, flatten
and lose much of their due spirit and energy by the frequency they
indispensably recur with, in a narrative of which that Practice
professedly composes the whole basis. I must therefore trust to the
candour of your judgment, for your allowing for the disadvantage I am
necessarily under in that respect; and to your imagination and
sensibility, the pleasing taks of repairing it, by their supplements,
where my descriptions flag or fail: the one will readily place the
pictures I present before your eyes; the other give life to the colours
where they are dull, or worn with too frequent handling.
What you say besides, by way of encouragement concerning the extreme
difficulty of continuing so long in one strain, in a mean tempered with
taste, between the revoltingness of gross, rank and vulgar expressions,
and the ridicule of mincing metaphors and affected circumlocutions, is
so sensible, as well as good-natured, that you greatly justify me to
myself for my compliance with a curiosity that is to be satisfied so
extremely at my expense.
Resuming now where I broke off in my last, I am in my way to remark to
you, that it was late in the evening before I arrived at my lodgings,
and Mrs. Cole, after helping me to range and secure my things, spent
the whole evening with me in my apartment, where we supped together, in
giving me the best advice and instruction with regard to the new stage
of my profession I was now to enter upon; and passing thus from a
private devotee to pleasure into a public one, to become a more general
good, with all the advantages requisite to put my person out to use,
either for interest or pleasure, or both. “But then,” she observed, “as
I was a kind of new face upon the town, that is, was an established
rule, and part of trade, for me to pass for a maid and dispose of
myself as such on the first good occasion, without prejudice, however,
to such diversions as I might have a mind to in the interim; for that
nobody could be a greater enemy than she was to the losing of time.
That she would, in the mean time, do her best to find out a proper
person, and would undertake to manage this nice point for me, if I
would accept of her aid and advice to such good purpose, that, in the
loss of a fictitious maidenhead, I should reap all the advantages of a
native one.”
As too great a delicacy of sentiments did not extremely belong to my
character at that time, I confess, against myself, that I perhaps too
readily closed with a proposal which my candor and ingenuity gave me
some repugnance to: but not enough to contradict the intention of one
to whom I had now thoroughly abandoned the direction of all my steps.
For Mrs. Cole had, I do not know how unless by one of those
unaccountable invincible sympathies that, nevertheless, from the
strongest links, especially of female friendship, won and got entire
possession of me. On her side, she pretended that a strict resemblance,
she fancied she saw in me, to an only daughter whom she had lost at my
age, was the first motive of her taking to me so affectionately as she
did. It might be so: there exist a slender motives of attachment, that,
gathering force from habit and liking, have proved often more solid and
durable than those founded on much stronger reasons; but this I know,
that though I had no other acquaintance with her, than seeing her at my
lodgings, when I lived with Mr. H..., where she had made errands to
sell me some millinery ware, she had by degrees insinuated herself so
far into my confidence, that I threw myself blindly into her hands, and
came, at length, to regard, love, and obey her implicitly; and, to do
her justice, I never experienced at her hands other than a sincerity of
tenderness, and care for my interest, hardly heard of in those of her
profession. We parted that night, after having settled a perfect
unreserved agreement; and the next morning Mrs. Cole came, and took me
with her to her house for the first time.
Here, at the first sight of things, I found every thing breathe an air
of decency, modesty and order.
In the outer parlour, or rather shop, sat three young women, rather
demurely employed on millinery work, which was the cover of a traffic
in more precious commodities; but three beautifuller creatures could
hardly be seen. Two of them were extremely fair, the eldest not above
nineteen; and the third, much about that age, was a piquant brunette,
whose black sparking eyes, and perfect harmony of features and shape,
left her nothing to envy in her fairer companions. Their dress too had
the more design in it, the less it appeared to have, being in a taste
of uniform correct neatness, and elegant simplicity. These were the
girls that composed the small domestic flock, which my governess
trained up with surprising order and management, considering the giddy
wildness of young girls once got upon the loose. But then she never
continued any in her house, whom, after a due noviciate, she found
un-tractable, or unwilling to comply with the rules of it. Thus she had
insensibly formed a little family of love, in which the members found
so sensibly their account, in a rare alliance of pleasure and interest,
and of a necessary outward decency, with unbounded secret liberty, that
Mrs. Cole, who had picked them as much for their temper as their
beauty, governed them with ease to herself and them too.
To these pupils then of hers, whom she had prepared, she presented me
as a new boarder, and one that was to be immediately admitted to all
the intimacies of the house; upon which these charming girls gave me
all the marks of a welcome reception, and indeed of being perfectly
pleased with my figure, that I could possibly expect from any of my own
sex: but they had been effectually brought to sacrifice all jealousy,
or competition of charms, to a common interest, and considered me a
partner that was bringing no despicable stock of goods into the trade
of the house. They gathered round me, viewed me on all sides; and as my
admission into this joyous troop made a little holiday, the shew of
work was laid aside; and Mrs. Cole giving me up, with special
recommendation, to their caresses and entertainment, went about her
ordinary business of the house.
The sameness of our sex, age, profession, and views, soon creased as
unreserved a freedom and intimacy as if we had been for years
acquainted. They took and shewed me the house, their respective
apartments, which were furnished with every article of convenience and
luxury; and above all, a spacious drawing-room, where a select
revelling band usually met, in general parties of pleasure; the girls
supping with their sparks, and acting their wanton pranks with
unbounded licentiousness; whilst a defiance of awe, modesty or jealousy
were their standing rules, by which, according to the principles of
their society, whatever pleasure was lost on the side of sentiment, was
abundantly made up to the senses in the poignancy of variety, and the
charms of ease and luxury. The authors and supporters of this secret
institution would, in the height of their humour, style themselves the
restorers of the golden age and its simplicity of pleasures, before
their innocence became so unjustly branded with the names of guilt and
shame.
As soon then as the evening began, and the shew of a shop was shut, the
academy opened; the mask of mock-modesty was completely taken off, and
all the girls delivered over to their respective calls of pleasure or
interest with their men: and none of that sex was promiscuously
admitted, but only such as Mrs. Cole was previously satisfied with
their character and discretion. In short, this was the safest,
politest, and, at the same time, the most thorough house of
accommodation in town: every thing being conducted so, that decency
made no intrenchment upon the most libertine pleasures; in the practice
of which, too, the choice familiars of the house had found the secret
so rare and difficult, of reconciling even all the refinements of taste
and delicacy, with the most gross and determinate gratifications of
sensuality.
After having consumed the morning in the dear endearments and
instructions of my new acquaintance, we went to dinner, when Mrs. Cole,
presiding at the head of her club, gave me the first idea of her
management and address, in inspiring these girls with so sensible a
love and respect for her. There was no stiffness, no reserve, no airs
of pique, or little jealousies, but all was unaffectedly gay, cheerful
and easy.
After dinner, Mrs. Cole, seconded by the young ladies, acquainted me
that there was a chapter to be held that night in form, for the
ceremony of my reception into the sisterhood; and in which, with all
due reserve to my maidenhead, that was to be occasionally cooked up for
the first proper chapman. I was to undergo a ceremonial of initiation
they were sure I should not be displeased with.
Embarked as I was, and moreover captivated with the charms of my new
companions, I was too much prejudiced in favour of any proposal they
could make, to as much as hesitate an assent; which, therefore, readily
giving in the style of a carte blanche, I received fresh kisses of
compliment from them all, in approval of my docility and good nature.
Now I was “a sweet girl... I came into things with a good grace... I
was not affectedly coy... I should be the pride of the house,” and the
like.
This point thus adjusted, the young women left Mrs. Cole to talk and
concert matters with me, when she explained to me, that “I should be
introduced that very evening, to four of her best friends, one of whom
she had, according to the custom of the house, favoured with the
preference of engaging me in the first party of pleasure;” assuring me,
at the same time, “that they were all young gentlemen agreeable in
their persons, and unexceptionable in every respect; that united, and
holding together by the band of common pleasures, they composed the
chief support of her house, and made very liberal presents to the girls
that pleased and humoured them, so that they were, properly speaking,
the founders and patrons of this little seraglio. Not but that she had,
at proper seasons, other customers to deal with, whom she stood less
upon punctilio with, than with these; for instance, it was not on one
of them she could attempt to pass me for a maid; they were not only too
knowing, too much town-bred to bite at such a bait, but they were such
generous benefactors to her, that it would be unpardonable to think of
it.”
Amidst all the flutter and emotion which this promise of pleasure, for
such I conceived it, stirred up in me, I preserved so much of the
woman, as to feign just reluctance enough to make some merit, of
sacrificing it to the influence of my patroness, whom I likewise, still
in character, reminded of it perhaps being right for me to go home and
dress, in favour of my first impressions.
But Mrs. Cole, in opposition to this, assured me, “that the gentlemen I
should be presented to were, by their rank and taste of things,
infinitely superior to the being touched with any glare of dress or
ornaments, such slick women rather confound and overlay than set off
their beauty with; that these veteran voluptuaries knew better than not
to hold them in the highest contempt: they with whom the pure native
charms alone could pass current, and who would at any time leave a
sallow, washy, painted duchess on her own hands, for a ruddy, healthy
firm fleshed country maid; and as for my part, that nature had done
enough for me, to set me above owing the least favour to art;”
concluding withal, that for the instant occasion, there was no dress
like an undress.
I thought my governess too good a judge of these matters, not to be
easily overruled by her: after which she went on preaching very
pathetically the doctrine of passive obedience and non-resistance to
all those arbitrary tastes of pleasure, which are by some styled the
refinements, and by others the depravations of it; between whom it was
not the business of a simple girl, who was to profit by pleasing, to
decide, but to conform to. Whilst I was edifying by these wholesome
lessons, tea was brought in, and the young ladies, returning, joined
company with us.
After a great deal of mixed chat, frolic and humour, one of them,
observing that there would be a good deal of time on and before the
assembly hour, proposed that each girl should entertain the company
with that critical period of her personal history, in which she first
exchanged the maiden state for womanhood. The proposal was approved,
with only one restriction of Mrs. Cole, that she, on account of her
age, and I, on account of my titular maidenhead, should be excused, at
least till I had undergone the forms of the house. This obtained me a
dispensation, and the promotress of this amusement was desired to
begin.
Her name was Emily; a girl fair to excess, and whose limbs were, if
possible, too well made, since their plump fulness was rather to the
prejudice of that delicate slimness required by the nicer judges of
beauty; her eyes were blue, and streamed inexpressible sweetness, and
nothing could be prettier than her mouth and lips, which closed over a
range of the evenest and whitest teeth. Thus she began:
“Neither my extraction, nor the most critical adventure of my life, is
sublime enough to impeach me of any vanity in the advancement of the
proposal you have approved of. My father and mother were, and for aught
I know, are still, farmers in the country, not above forty miles from
town: their barbarity to me, in favour of a son, on whom alone they
vouchsafed to bestow their tenderness, had a thousand times determined
me to fly their house, and throw myself on the wide world; but, at
length, an accident forced me on this desperate attempt at the age of
fifteen. I had broken a chinabowl, the pride and idol of both their
hearts; and as an unmerciful beating was the least I had to depend on
at their hands, in the silliness of these tender years, I left the
house, and, at all adventures, took the road to London. How my loss was
resented I do not know, for till this instant I have not heard a
syllable about them. My whole stock was two broad pieces of my
godmother’s, a few shillings, silver shoe-buckles and a silver thimble.
Thus equipped, with no more clothes than the ordinary ones I had on my
back, and frightened at every foot or noise I heard behind me, I
hurried on; and I dare sweare, walked a dozen miles before I stopped,
through mere weariness and fatigue. At length I sat down on a style,
wept bitterly, and yet was still rather under increased impressions of
fear on the account of my escape; which made me dread, worse than
death, the going back to my unnatural parents. Refreshed by this little
repose, and relieved by my tears, I was proceeding onward, when I was
overtaken by a sturdy country lad, who was going to London to see what
he could do for himself there, and, like me, had given his friends the
slip. He could not be above seventeen, was ruddy, well featured enough,
with uncombed flaxen hair, a little flapped hat, kersey frock, yarn
stockings, in short, a perfect plough boy. I saw him come whistling
behind me, with a bundle tied to the end of a stick, his travelling
equipage. We walked by one another for some time without speaking; at
length we joined company, and agreed to keep together till we got to
our journey’s end; what his designs or ideas were, I know not: the
innocence of mine I can solemnly protest.
“As night drew on, it became us to look out for some inn or shelter; to
which perplexity another was added, and that was, what we should say
for ourselves, if we were questioned. After some puzzle, the young
fellow started a proposal, which I thought the finest that could be;
and what was that? why, that we should pass for husband and wife: I
never dreamed of consequences. We came presently, after having agreed
on this notable experience, to one of those hedge accommodations for
foot passengers, at the door of which stood an old crazy beldam, who
seeing us trudge by, invited us to lodge there. Glad of any cover, we
went in, and my fellow traveller, taking all upon him, called for what
the house afforded, and we supped together as man and wife; which,
considering our figures and ages, could not have passed on any one but
such as any thing could pass on. But when bed-time came on, we had
neither of us the courage to contradict our first account of ourselves;
and what was extremely pleasant, the young lad seemed as perplexed as I
was how to evade lying together, which was so natural for the state we
had pretended to. Whilst we were in this quandary, the landlady takes
the candles, and lights us to our apartment, through a long yard, at
the end of which it stood, separate from the body of the house. Thus we
suffered ourselves to be conducted, without saying a word in opposition
to it; and there, in a wretched room, with a bed answerable, we were
left to pass the night together, as a thing quite of course. For my
part, I was so incredibly innocent, as not even to think much more harm
of going into bed with the young man, than with one of our dairy
wenches; nor had he, perhaps, any other notions than those of
innocence, till such a fair occasion put them into his head.
“Before either of us undressed, however, he put out the candle; and the
bitterness of the weather made it a kind of necessity for me to go into
bed: slipping then my clothes off, I crept under the bedclothes, where
I found the young stripling already nestled, and the touch of his warm
flesh rather pleased than alarmed me. I was indeed too much disturbed
with the novelty of my condition to be able to sleep; but then I had
not the least thought of harm. But oh! how powerful are the instincts
of nature! how little is there wanting to set them in action! The young
man, sliding his arm under my body, drew me gently towards him, as if
to keep himself and me warmer; and the heat I felt from joining our
breasts, kindled another that I had hitherto never felt, and was, even
then, a stranger to the nature of. Emboldened, I suppose, by my
easiness, he ventured to kiss me, and I insensibly returned it; without
knowing the consequence of returning it: for, on this encouragement, he
slipped his hand all down from my breast to that part of me where the
sense of feeling is so exquisitely critical, as I then experienced by
its instant taking fire upon the touch, and glowing with a strange
tickling heat: there he pleased himself and me, by feeling, till
growing a little too bold with me, he hurt me, and made me complain.
Then he took my hand, which he guided, not unwillingly on my side,
between the twist of his closed thighs, which were extremely warm;
there he lodged and pressed it, till raising it by degrees, he made me
feel the proud distinction of his sex from mine. I was frightened at
the novelty, and drew back my hand; yet, pressed and spurred on by
sensations of a strange pleasure, I could not help asking him what that
was for? He told me he would shew me if I would let him; and without
waiting for my answer, which he prevented by stopping my mouth with
kisses I was far from disrelishing, he got upon me, and inserting one
of his thighs between mine, opened them so as to make way for himself,
and fixed me to his purpose; whilst I was so much out of my usual
sense, so subdued by the present power of a new one, that, between far
and desire, I lay utter passive, till the piercing pain rouzed and made
me cry out. But it was too late: he was too firm fixed in the saddle
for me to compass flinging him, with all the struggles I could use,
some of which only served to further his point, and at length an
irresistible thrust murdered at once my maidenhead, and almost me. I
now lay a bleeding witness of the necessity imposed on our sex, to
gather the first honey off the thorns.
“But the pleasure rising as the pain subsided, I was soon reconciled to
fresh trials, and before morning, nothing on earth could be dearer to
me than this rifler of my virgin sweets: he was every thing to me now.
“How we agreed to join fortunes: how we came up to town together, where
we lived some time, till necessity-parted us, and drove me into this
course of life, to which I had been long ago bettered and torn to
pieces before I came to this age, as much through my easiness, as
through inclination, had it not been for my finding refuge in this
house: these are all circumstances which pass the mark I proposed, so
that here my narrative ends.”
In the order of our sitting, it was Harriet’s turn to go on. Amongst
all the beauties of our sex, that I had before, or have since seen, few
indeed were the forms that could dispute excellence with her’s; it was
not delicate, but delicacy itself incarnate, such was the symmetry of
her small but exactly fashioned limbs. Her complexion, fair as it was,
appeared yet more fair, from the effect of two black eyes, the
brilliancy of which gave her face more vivacity than belonged to the
colour of it, which was only defended from paleness, by a sweetly
pleasing blush in her cheeks, that grew fainter and fainter, till at
length it died away insensibly into the overbearing white. Then her
miniature features joined to finish the extreme sweetness of it, which
was not belied by that of a temper turned to indolence, languor, and
the pleasures of love. Pressed to subscribe her contingent, she smiled,
blushed a little, and thus complied with our desires:
“My father was neither better nor worse than a miller near the city of
York; and both he and my mother dying whilst I was an infant, I fell
under the care of a widow and childless aunt, housekeeper to my lord
N..., at his seat in the county of..., where she brought me up with all
imaginable tenderness. I was not seventeen, as I am not now eighteen,
before I had, on account of my person purely (for fortune I had
notoriously none), several advantageous proposals; but whether nature
was slow in making me sensible in her favourite passion, or that I had
not seen any of the other sex who had stirred up the least emotion or
curiosity to be better acquainted with it, I had, till that age,
preserved a perfect innocence, even of thought: whilst my fears of I
did not now well know what, made me no more desirous of marrying than
of dying. My aunt, good woman, favoured my timorousness, which she
looked on as childish affection, that her own experience might
probably assure her would wear off in time, and gave my suitors proper
answers for me.
“The family had not been down at that seat for years, so that it was
neglected, and committed entirely to my aunt, and two old domestics to
take care of it. Thus I had the full range of a spacious lonely house
and gardens, situated at about half a mile distance from any other
habitation, except, perhaps, a straggling cottage or so.