receive him, when he was entered the door of my bed chamber, a latch,
that I governed by a wire, descended and secured it.
I could not but observe that my young minion was as much spruced out as
could be expected from one in his condition: a desire of pleasing that
could not be indifferent to me, since it proved that I pleased him;
which, I assure you, was now a point I was not above having in view.
His hair trimly dressed, clean linen, and, above all, a hale, ruddy,
wholesome country look, made him out as pretty a piece of woman’s meat
as you could see, and I should have thought any one much out of taste,
that could not have made a hearty meal of such a morsel as nature
seemed to have designed for the highest diet of pleasure.
And why should I here suppress the delight I received from this amiable
creature, in remarking each artless look, each motion of pure
indissembled nature, betrayed by his wanton eyes; or shewing,
transparently, the glow and suffusion of blood through his fresh, clear
skin, whilst even his stury rustic pressure wanted not their peculiar
charm? Oh! but, say you, this was a young fellow of too low a rank of
life to deserve so great a display. May be so: but was my condition,
strictly considered, one jot more exalted? or, had I really been much
above him, did not his capacity of giving such exquisite pleasure
sufficiently raise and enoble him, to me, at least? Let who would, for
me cherish, respect, and reward the painter’s, the statuary’s, the
musician’s art, in proportion to the delight taken in them: but at my
age, and with my taste for pleasure, a taste strongly constitutional to
me, the talent of pleasing, with which nature has endowed a handsome
person, formed to me the greatest of all merits; compared to which, the
vulgar prejudices in favour of titles, dignities, honours, and the
like, held a very low rank indeed. Nor perhaps would the beauties of
the body be so much affected to be held cheap, were they, in their
nature, to be bought and delivered. But for me, whose natural
philosophy all resided in the favourite center of sense, and who was
ruled by its powerful instinct in taking pleasure by its right handle,
I could scarce have made a choice more to my purpose.
Mr. H....’s loftier qualifications of birth, fortune and sense, laid me
under a sort of subjection and constraint, that were far from making
harmony in the concert of love; nor had he, perhaps, thought me worth
softening that superiority to; but, with this lad, I was more on the
level which love delights in.
We may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest
with, are ever those we like, not to say love the best.
With this stripling, all whose art of love was the action of it, I
could, without check of awe or restraint, give a loose to jay, and
execute every scheme of dalliance my fond fancy might put me on, in
which he was, in every sense, a most exquisite companion. And now my
great pleasure lay in humouring all the petulances, all the wanton
frolic of a raw novice just fledged, and keen on the burning scent of
his game, but unbroken to the sport: and, to carry on the figure, who
could better read the wood than he, or stand fairer for the heart of
the hunt?
He advanced then to my bed side, and whilst he faultered out his
message, I could observe his colour rise, and his eyes lighten with
joy, in seeing me in a situation as favourable to his loosest wishes,
as if he had bespoke the play.
I smiled, and put out my hand towards him, which he kneeled down to (a
politeness taught him by love alone, that great master of it) and
greedily kissed. After exchanging a few confused questions and answers,
I asked him if he would come to bed to me, for the little time I could
venture to detain him. This was just asking a person, dying with
hunger, to feast upon the dish on earth the most to his palate.
Accordingly, without further reflection, his clothes were off in an
instant; when, blushing still more at this new liberty, he got under
the bed clothes I held up to receive him, and was now in bed with a
woman for the first time in his life.
Here began the usual tender preliminaries, as delicious, perhaps, as
the crowning act of enjoyment itself; which they often beget an
impatience of, that makes pleasure destructive of itself, by hurrying
on the final period, and closing that scene of bliss, in which the
actors are generally too well pleased with their parts, not to wish
them an eternity of duration.
When we had sufficiently graduated our advances towards the main point,
by toying, kissing, clipping, feeling my breasts, now round and plump,
feeling that part of me I might call a furnace mouth, from the
prodigious intense heat his fiery touches had rekindled there, my young
sportsman, emboldened by the very freedom he could wish, wontonly takes
my hand, and carries it to that enormous machine of his, that stood
with a stiffness! a hardness! an upward bend of erection! and which,
together with it bottom dependence, the inestimable bulse of ladies
jewels, formed a grand showout of goods indeed! Then its dimensions,
mocking either grasp or span, almost renewed my terrors.
I could not conceive how, or by what means I could take, or put such a
bulk out of sight. I stroked it gently, on which the mutinous rogue
seemed to swell, and gather a new degree of fierceness and insolence;
so that finding it grew not to be trifled with any longer, I prepared
for rubbers in good earnest.
Slipping then a pillow under me, that I might give him the fairest
play, I guided officiously with my hand this furious battering ram,
whose ruby head, presenting nearest the resemblance of a heart, I
applied to its proper mark, which lay as finely elevated as we could
wish; my hips being borne up, and my thighs at their utmost extension,
the gleamy warmth that shot from it, made him feel that he was at the
mouth of the indraught, and driving fore right, the powerfully divided
lips of that pleasure-thirsty channel received him. He hesitated a
little; then, settled well in the passage, he makes his way up the
straights of it, with a difficulty nothing more than pleasing, widening
as he went so as to distend and smooth each soft furrow: our pleasure
increasing deliciously, in proportion to our points of mutual touch
increased in that so vital part of me which I had now taken him, all
indriven, and completely sheathed; and which, crammed as it was,
stretched splitting ripe, gave it so gratefully straight an
accommodation! so strict a fold! a suction so fierce! that gave and
took unutterable delight. We had now reached the closest point of
union; but when he beckened to come on the fiercer, as if I had ben
actuated by a fear of losing him, in the height of my fury, I twist my
legs round his naked loins, the flesh of which, so firm, so springy to
the touch, quivered again under the pressure; and now I had him every
way encircled and begirt; and having drawn him home to me, I kept him
fast there, as if I had sought to unite bodies with him at that point.
This bred a pause of action, a pleasure stop, whilst that delicate
glutton, my nether mouth, as full as it could hold, kept palating, with
exquisite relish, the morsel that so deliciously ingorged it. But
nature could not long endure a pleasure that it so highly provoked
without satisfying it: pursuing then its darling end, the battery
recommenced with redoubled exertion; nor lay I inactive on my side, but
encountering him with all the impetuosity of motion I was mistress of,
the downy cloth of our meeting mount was now of real use to break the
violence of the tilt; and soon, indeed! the highwrought agitation, the
sweet urgency of this to-and-fro friction, raised the titillation on me
to its height; so that finding myself on the point of going, and loath
to leave the tender partner of my joys behind me, I employed all the
forwarding motions and arts my experience suggested to me, to promote
his keeping me company to our journey’s end. I not only then tightened
the pleasure-girth round my restless inmate, by a secret spring of
friction and compression that obeys the will in those parts, but stole
my hand softly to that store bag of nature’s prime sweets, which is so
pleasingly attached to its conduit pipe, from which we receive them;
there feeling, and most gently indeed, squeezing those tender globular
reservoirs, the magic touch took instant effect, quickened, and brought
on upon the spur the symptoms of that sweet agony, the melting moment
of dissolution, when pleasure dies by pleasure, and the mysterious
engine of it overcomes the titillation it has raised in those parts, by
plying them with the stream of a warm liquid, that in itself the
highest of all titillations, and which they thirstily express and draw
in like the hot natured leach, which, to cool itself, tenaciously
extracts all the moisture within its sphere of execution. Chiming then
to me, with exquisite consent, as I melted away, his oily balsamic
injection, mixing deliciously with the sluices in flow from me,
sheathed and blunted all the stings of pleasure, whilst a voluptuous
languor possest, and still maintained us motionless, and fast locked in
one another’s arms. Alas! that these delights should be no
longer-lived; for now the point of pleasure, unedged by enjoyment, and
all the brisk sensations flattened upon us, resigned us up to the cool
cares of insipid life. Disengaging myself then from his embrace, I made
him sensible of the reasons there were for his present leaving me; on
which, though reluctantly, he put on his clothes, with as little
expedition, however, as he could help, wantonly interrupting himself,
between whiles, with kisses, touches and embraces I could not refuse
myself to. Yet he happily returned to his master before he was missed;
but, at taking leave, I forced him (for he had sentiments enough to
refuse it) to receive money enough to buy a silver watch, that great
article of subaltern finery, which he at length accepted of, as a
remembrance he was carefully to preserve of my affections.
And here, Madam, I ought, perhaps, to make you an apology for this
minute detail of things, that dwelt so strongly upon my memory, after
so deep an impression; but, besides that this intrigue bred one great
revolution in my life, which historical truth requires I should not
sink from you, may I not presume that so exalted a pleasure ought not
to be ungratefully forgotten, or suppressed by me, because I found it
in a character in low life; where, by the by, it is oftener met with,
purer, and more unsophisticated, than among the false, ridiculous
refinements with which the great suffer themselves to be so grossly
cheated by their pride: the great! than whom, there exist few amongst
those they call the vulgar, who are more ignorant of, or who cultivate
less, the art of living than they do; they, I say, who for ever mistake
things the most foreign to the nature of pleasure itself; whose capital
favourite object is enjoyment of beauty, wherever that rare invaluable
gift is found, without distinction of birth, or station.
As love never had, so now revenge had no longer any share in my
commerce in this handsome youth. The sole pleasures of enjoyment were
now the link I held to him by: for though nature had done such great
maters for him in his outward form, and especially in that superb piece
of furniture she had so liberally enriched him with; though he was thus
qualified to give the senses their richest feast, still there was
something more wanting to create in me, and constitute the passion of
love. Yet Will had very good qualities too: gentle, tractable, and,
above all, grateful; silentious, even to a fault: he spoke, at any
time, very little, but made it up emphatically with action; and, to do
him justice, he never gave me the least reason to complain, either of
any tendency to encroach upon me for the liberties I allowed him, or of
his indiscretion in blabbing them. There is, then, a fatality in love,
or have loved him I must; for he was really a treasure, a bit for the
Bonne Bouche of a duchess; and, to say the truth, my liking for him was
so extreme, that it was distinguishing very nicely to deny that I loved
him.
My happiness, however, with him did not last long, but found an end
from my own imprudent neglect. After having taken even superfluous
precautions against a discovery, our success in repeated meetings
emboldened me to omit the barely necessary ones. About a month after
our first intercourse, one fatal morning (the season Mr. H.... rarely
or never visited me in) I was in my closet, where my toilet stood, in
nothing but my shift, a bed gown and under petticoat. Will was with me,
and both ever too well disposed to baulk an opportunity. For my part, a
whim, a wanton toy had just taken me, and I had challenged my man to
execute it on the spot, who hesitated not to comply with my humour: I
was set in the arm chair, my shift and petticoat up, my thighs wide
spread and mounted over the arms of the chair, presenting the fairest
mark to Will’s drawn weapon, which he stood in act to plunge into me,
when, having neglected to secure the chamber door, and that of the
closet standing a-jar, Mr. H.... stole in upon us, before either of us
was aware, and saw us precisely in these convicting attitudes.
I gave a great scream, and dropped my petticoat: the thunder-struck lad
stood trembling and pale, waiting his sentence of death. Mr. H....
looked sometimes at one, sometimes at the other, with a mixture of
indignation and scorn; and, without saying a word, spun upon his heel
and went out.
As confused as I was, I heard him very distinctly turn the key, and
lock the chamber door upon us, so that there was no escape but through
the dining room, where he himself was walking about with distempered
strides, stamping in a great chafe, and doubtless debating what he
would do with us.
In the mean time, poor William was frightened out of his senses, and,
as much need as I had of spirits myself, I was obliged to employ them
all to keep his a little up. The misfortune I had now brought upon him,
endeared him the more to me, and I could have joyfully suffered any
punishment he had not shared in. I watered, plentifully, with my tears,
the face of the frightened youth, who sat, not having strength to
stand, as cold and as lifeless as a statue.
Presently Mr. H.... comes in to us again, and made us go before him
into the dining room, trembling and dreading the issue, Mr. H.....sat
down on a chair whilst we stood like criminals under examination; and,
beginning with me, asked me, with an even firm tone of voice, neither
soft nor severe, but cruelly indifferent, what I could say for myself,
for having abused him in so unworthy a manner, with his own servant
too, and how he had deserved this of me?
Without adding to the guilt of my infidelity, that of an audacious
defence of it, in the old style of a common kept miss, my answer was
modest, and often interrupted by my tears, in substance as follows:
“That I never had a single thought of wronging him” (which was true),
“till I had seen him taking the last liberties with my servant wench”
(here he coloured prodigiously), “and that my resentment at that, which
I was over-awed from giving vent to by complaints, or explanations with
him, had driven me to a course that I did not pretend to justify; but
that as to the young man, he was entirely faultless; for that, in the
view of making him the instrument of my revenge, I had down right
seduced him to what he had done; and therefore hoped, whatever he
determined about me, he would distinguish between the guilty and the
innocent; and that; for the rest, I was entirely at his mercy.”
Mr. H.... on hearing what I said, hung his head a little; but instantly
recovering himself, he said to me, as near as I can retain, to the
following purpose:
“Madam, I owe shame to myself, and confess you have fairly turned the
tables upon me. It is not with one of your cast of breeding and
sentiments, that I allow you so much reason on your side, as great
difference of the provocations: be it sufficient that I should enter
into a discussion of the very to have changed my resolution, in
consideration of what you reproach me with; and I own, too, that your
clearing that rascal there, is fair and honest in you. Renew with you I
cannot: the affront is too gross. I give you a week’s warning to get
out of these lodgings; whatever I have given you, remains to you; and
as I never intend to see you more, the landlord will pay you fifty
pieces on my account, with which, and every debt paid, I hope you will
own I do not leave you in a worse condition than what I took you up in,
or that you deserve of me. Blame yourself only that it is no better.”
Then, without giving me time to reply, he addressed himself to the
young fellow:
“For you, spark, I shall, for your father’s sake, take care of you: the
town is no place for such an easy fool as thou art; and to-morrow you
shall set out, under the charge of one of my men, well recommended, in
my name, to your father, not to let you return and be spoil’d here.”
At these words he went out, after my vainly attempting to stop him, by
throwing myself at his feet. He shook me off, though he seemed greatly
moved too, and took Will away with him, who, I dare swear, thought
himself very cheaply off.
I was now once more a-drift, and left upon my own hands, by a gentleman
whom I certainly did not deserve. And all the letters, arts, friends,
entreaties that I employed within the week of grace in my lodging,
could never win on him so much as to see me again. He had irrevocably
pronounced my doom, and submission to it was my only part. Soon after
he married a lady of birth and fortune, to whom, I have heard he proved
an irreproachable husband.
As for poor Will, he was immediately sent down to the country to his
father, who was an easy farmer, where he was not four months before an
inn-keepers’ buxom young widow, with a very good stock, both in money
and trade, fancied, and perhaps pre-acquainted with his secret
excellencies, married him: and I am sure there was, at least, one good
foundation for their living happily together.
Though I should have been charmed to see him before he went, such
measures were taken, by Mr. H....’s orders, that it was impossible;
otherwise I should certainly have endeavoured to detain him in town,
and would have spared neither offers nor expense to have procured
myself the satisfaction of keeping him with me. He had such powerful
holds upon my inclinations as were not easily to be shaken off, or
replaced; as to my heart, it was quite out of the question: glad,
however, I was from my soul, that nothing worse, and as things turned
out, nothing better could have happened to him.
As to Mr. H..., though views of conveniency made me, at first, exert
myself to regain his affection, I was giddy and thoughtless enough to
be much easier reconciled to my failure than I ought to have been; but
as I never had loved him, and his leaving me gave me a sort of liberty
that I had often longed for, I was soon comforted; and flattering
myself, that the stock of youth and beauty I was going to trade with,
could hardly fail of procuring me a maintenance, I saw myself under the
necessity of trying my fortune with them, rather, with pleasure and
gaiety, than with the least idea of despondency.
In the mean time, several of my acquaintances among the sisterhood, who
had soon got wind of my misfortune, flocked to insult me with their
malicious consolations. Most of them had long envied me the affluence
and splendour I had been maintained in; and though there was scarce one
of them that did not at least deserve to be in my case, and would
probably, sooner or later, come to it, it was equally easy to remark,
even in their affected pity, their secret pleasure at seeing me thus
discarded, and their secret grief that it was no worse with me.
Unaccountable malice of the human heart! and which is not confined to
the class of life they were of.
But as the time approached for me to come to some resolution how to
dispose of myself, and I was considering, round where to shift my
quarters to, Mrs. Cole, a middle aged discreet sort of woman, who had
been brought into my acquaintance by one of the misses that visited me,
upon learning my situation, came to offer her cordial advice and
service to me; and as I had always taken to her more than to any of my
female acquaintances, I listened the easier to her proposals. And, as
it happened, I could not have put myself into worse, or into better
hands in all London: into worse, because keeping a house of
conveniency, there were no lengths in lewdness she would not advise me
to go, in compliance with her customers; no schemes, or pleasure, or
even unbounded debauchery, she did not take even a delight in
promoting: into a better, because nobody having had more experience of
the wicked part of the town than she had, was fitter to advise and
guard one against the worst dangers of our profession; and what was
rare to be met with in those of her’s, she contented herself with a
moderate living profit upon her industry and good offices, and had
nothing of their greedy rapacious turn. She was really too a
gentlewoman born and bred, but through a train of accidents reduced to
this course, which she pursued, partly through necessity, partly
through choice, as never woman delighted more in encouraging a brisk
circulation of the trade, for the sake of the trade itself, or better
understood all the mysteries and refinements of it, than she did; so
that she was consummately at the top of her profession, and dealt only
with customers of distinction: to answer the demands of whom she kept a
competent number of her daughters in constant recruit (so she called
those whom their youth and personal charms recommended to her adoption
and management: several of whom, by her means, and through her tuition
and instructions, succeeded very well in the world).
This useful gentlewoman upon whose protection I now threw myself,
having her reasons of state, respecting Mr. H...., for not appearing
too much in the thing herself, sent a friend of her’s, on the day
appointed for my removal, to conduct me to my new lodgings at a
brush-maker’s in E—— street, Covent Garden, the very next door to her
own house, where she had no conveniences to lodge me herself: lodgings
that, by having been for several successions tenanted by ladies of
pleasures, the landlord of them was familiarized to their ways; and
provided the rent was paid, every thing else was as easy and commodious
as one could desire.
The fifty guineas promised me by Mr. H...., at his parting with me,
having been duly paid me, all my clothes and moveables chested up,
which were at least of two hundred pounds value, I had them conveyed
into a coach, where I soon followed them, after taking a civil leave of
the landlord and his family, with whom I had never lived in a degree of
familiarity enough to regret the removal; but still, the very
circumstance of its being a removal, drew tears from me. I left, too, a
letter of thanks for Mr. H...., from whom I concluded myself, as I
really was, irretrievably separated.
My maid I had discharged the day before, not only because I had her of
Mr. H...., but that I suspected her of having some how or other been
the occasion of his discovering me, in revenge, perhaps, for my not
having trusted her with him.
We soon got to my lodgings, which, though not so handsomely furnished,
nor so showy as those I left, were to the full as convenient, and at
half price, though on the first floor. My trunks were safely landed,
and stowed in my apartments, where my neighbour, and now gouvernante,
Mrs. Cole, was ready with my landlord to receive me, to whom she took
care to set me out in the most favourable light, that of one from whom
there was the clearest reason to expect the regular payment of his
rent: all the cardinal virtues attributed to me, would not have had
half the weight of that recommendation alone.
I was now settled in lodgings of my own, abandoned to my own conduct,
and turned loose upon the town, to sink or swim, as I could manage with
the current of it; and what were the consequences, together with the
number of adventures which befell me in the exercise of my new
profession, will compose the mater of another letter: for surely it is
high time to put a period! to this.
I am,
MADAM,
Yours, etc., etc., etc.