accident, till one fatal day I had, as I had often done before, left my
aunt asleep, and secure for some hours, after dinner; and resorting to
a kind of ancient summer house, at some distance from the house, I
carried my work with me, and sat over a rivulet, which its door and
window faced upon. Here I fell into a gentle breathing slumber, which
stole upon my senses, as they fainted under the excessive heat of the
season at that hour; a cane couch, with my work basked for a pillow,
were all the conveniences of my short repose; for I was soon awaked and
alarmed by a flounce, and noise of splashing in the water. I got up to
see what was the matter; and what indeed should it be but the son of a
neighbouring gentleman, as I afterwards found (for I had never seen him
before), who had strayed that way with his gun, and heated by his
sport, and the sultriness of the day, had been tempted by the freshness
of the clear stream; so that presently stripping, he jumped into it on
the other side, which bordered on a wood, some trees whereof, inclined
down to the water, formed a pleasing shady recess, commodious to
undress and leave his clothes under.
“My first emotions at the sight of this youth, naked in the water,
were, with all imaginable respect to truth, those of surprise and fear;
and, in course, I should immediately have run out, had not my modesty,
fatally for itself, interposed the objection of the door and window
being so situated, that it was scarce possible to get out, and make my
way along the bank to the house, without his seeing me: which I could
not bear the thought of, so much ashamed and confounded was I at having
seen him. Condemned then to stay till his departure should release me,
I was greatly embarrassed how to dispose of myself: I kept some time
betwixt terror and modesty, even from looking through the window, which
being an old fashioned casement, without any light behind me, could
hardly betray any one’s being there to him from within; then the door
was so secure, that without violence, or my own consent, there was no
opening it from without.
“But now, by my own experience, I found it too true, that objects which
affright us, when we cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly as
those that please us. I could not long withstand that nameless impulse,
which, without any desire of this novel sight, compelled me towards it;
emboldened too by my certainty of being at once unseen and safe, I
ventured by degrees to cast my eyes on an object so terrible and
alarming to my virgin modesty as a naked man.
“But as I snatched a look, the first gleam that struck me, was in
general the dewy lustre of the whitest skin imaginable, which the sun
playing upon made the reflection of it perfectly beamy. His face, in
the confusion I was in, I could not well distinguish the lineamints of,
any farther than that there was a great deal of youth and freshness in
it. The frolic and various play of all his fine polished limbs, as they
appeared above the surface, in the course of his swimming or wantoning
with the water, amused and insensibly delighted me; sometimes he lay
motionless, on his back, waterborne, and dragging after him a fine head
of hair, that, floating, swept the stream in a bush of black curls.
Then the overflowing water would make a separation between his breast
and glossy white belly; at the bottom of which I could not escape
observing so remarkable a distinction, as a black mossy tuft, out of
which appeared to emerge a round, softish, limber, white something,
that played every way, with ever the least motion or whirling eddy. I
cannot say but that part chiefly, by a kind of natural instinct,
attracted, detained, captivated my attention: it was out of the power
of all my modesty to command my eye away from it; and seeing nothing so
very dreadful in its appearance, I insensibly looked away all my fears:
but as fast as they gave way, new desires and strange wishes took
place, and I melted as I gazed. The fire of nature, that had so long
lain dormant or concealed, began to break out, and made me feel my sex
for the first time. He had now changed his posture, and swam prone on
his belly, striking out with his legs and arms; finer modeled than
which could not have been cast, whilst his floating locks played over a
neck and shoulders whose whiteness they delightfully set off. Then the
luxuriant swell of flesh that rose from the small of his back, and
terminates its double cope at where the thighs are set off, perfectly
dazzled one with its watery glistening gloss.
“By this time I was so affected by this inward involution of
sentiments, so softened by this sight, that now, betrayed into a sudden
transition from extreme fears to extreme desires, I found these last so
strong upon me, the heat of the weather too perhaps conspiring to exalt
their rage, that nature almost fainted under them. Not that I so much
as knew precisely what was wanting to me: my only thought was, that so
sweet a creature, as this youth seemed to me, could only make me happy;
but then, the little likelihood there was of compassing an acquaintance
with him, or perhaps of ever seeing him again, dashed my desires, and
turned them into torments. I was still gazing, with all the powers of
my sight, on this bewitching object, when, in an instant, down he went.
I had heard of such things as a cramp seizing on even the best
swimmers, and occasioning their being drowned; and imagining this so
sudden eclipse to be owing to it, the inconceivable fondness this
unknown lad had given birth to, distracted me with the most killing
terrors; insomuch, that my concern giving the wings, I flew to the
door, opened it, ran down to the canal, guided thither by the madness
of my fears for him, and the intense desire of being an instrument to
save him, though I was ignorant how, or by what means to effect it: but
was it for fears, and a passion so sudden as mine, to reason! All this
took up scarce the space of a few moments. I had then just life enough
to reach the green borders of the waterpiece, where wildly looking
round for the young man, and missing him still, my fright and concern
sunk me down in a deep swoon, which must have lasted me some time; for
I did not come to myself, till I was roused out of it by a sense of
pain that pierced me to the vitals, and awaked me to the the most
surprising circumstance of finding myself not only in the arms of this
very young gentleman I had been so solicitous to save; but taken at
such an advantage in my unresisting condition, that he had actually
completed his entrance into me so far, that weakened as I was by all
the preceding conflicts of mind I had suffered, and struck dumb by the
violence of my surprise, I had neither the power to cry out, nor the
strength to disengage myself from his strenuous embraces, before,
urging his point, he had forced his way and completely triumphed over
my virginity, as he might now as well see by the streams of blood that
followed his drawing out, as he had felt by the difficulties he had met
with consummating his penetration. But the sight of the blood, and the
sense of my condition, had (as he told me afterwards), since the
ungovernable rage of his passion was somewhat appeased, now wrought so
far on him, that at all risks, even of the worst consequences, he could
not find in his heart to leave me, and make off, which he might easily
have done. I still lay all discomposed in bleeding ruin, palpitating,
speechless, unable to get off, and frightened, and fluttering like a
poor wounded partridge, and ready to faint away again at the sense of
what had befallen me. The young gentleman was by me, kneeling, kissing
my hand, and with tears in his eyes, beseeching me to forgive him, and
offering all the reparation in his power. It is certain that could I,
at the instant of regaining my senses, have called out, or taken the
bloodiest revenge, I would not be stuck at it; the violation was
attended too with such aggravating circumstances, though he was
ignorant of them, since it was to my concern for the preservation of
his life, that I owed my ruin.
“But how quick is the shift of passions from one extreme to another!
and how little are they acquainted with the human heart who dispute it!
I could not see this amiable criminal, so suddenly the first object of
my love, and as suddenly of my just hate, on his knees, bedewing my
hands with his tears, without relenting. He was still stark-naked, but
my modesty had been already too much wounded, in essentials, to be so
much shocked as I should have otherwise been with appearances only; in
short, my anger ebbed so fast, and the tide of love returned so strong
upon me, that I felt it a point of my own happiness to forgive him. The
reproaches I made him were murmured in so soft a tone, my eyes met his
with such glances, expressing more languor than resentment, that he
could not but presume his forgiveness was at no desperate distance; but
still he would not quit his posture of submission, till I had
pronounced his pardon in form; which after the most fervent entreaties,
protestations, and promises, I had not the power to withhold. On which,
with the utmost marks of a fear of again offending, he ventured to kiss
my lips, which I neither declined nor resented: but on my mild
expostulation with him upon the barbarity of his treatment, he
explained the mystery of my ruin, if not entirely to the clearance, at
least much to the alleviation of his guilt, in the eyes of a judge so
partial in his favour as I was grown.
“It seems that the circumstance of his going down, or sinking, which in
my extreme ignorance I had mistaken for something very fatal, was no
other than a trick of diving, which I had not ever heard, or at least
attended o, the mention of: and he was so long-breathed at it, that in
the few moments in which I ran out to save him, he had not yet emerged,
before I fell into the swoon, in which, as he rose, seeing me extended
on the bank, his first idea was, that some young woman was upon some
design of frolic or diversion with him, for he knew I could not have
fallen asleep there without his having seen me before: agreebly to
which notion he had ventured to approach, and finding me without sign
of life, and still perplexed as he was what to think of the adventure,
he took me in his arms at all hazards, and carried me into the
summer-house, of which he observed the door open: there he laid me down
on the couch, and tried, as he protested in good faith, by several
means to bring me to myself again, till fired, as he said, beyond all
bearing by the sight and touch of several parts of me, which were
unguardedly exposed to him, he could no longer govern his passion; and
the less, as he was not quite sure that his first idea of this swoon
being a feint, was not the very truth of the case; seduced then by this
flattering notion, and overcome by the present, as he styled them,
super-human temptations, combined with the solitude and seeming
security of the attempt, he was not enough his own master not to make
it. Leaving me then just only whilst he fastened the door, he returned
with redoubled eagerness to his prey: when, finding me still entranced,
he ventured to place me as he pleased, whilst I felt, no more than the
dead, what he was about, till the pain he put me to roused me just in
time enough to be witness of a triumph I was not able to defeat, and
now scarce regretted: for as he talked, the tone of his voice sounded,
methought, so sweetly in my ears, the sensible nearness of so new and
interesting an object to me, wrought so powerfully upon me, that, in
the rising perception of things in a new and pleasing light, I lost all
sense of the past injury. The young gentleman soon discerned the
symptoms of a reconciliation in my softened looks, and hastening to
receive the seal of it from my lips, pressed them tenderly to pass his
pardon in the return of a kiss so melting fiery, that the impression of
it being carried to my heart, and thence to my new discovered sphere of
Venus, I was melted into a softness that could refuse him nothing. When
now he managed his caresses and endearments so artfully, as to
insinuate the most soothing consolations for the past pain and the most
pleasing expectations of future pleasure, but whilst mere modesty kept
my eyes from seeing his and rather declined them, I had a glimpse of
that instrument of mischief which was now, obviously even to me, who
had scarce had snatches of a comparative observation of it, resuming
its capacity to renew it, and grew greatly alarming with its increase
of size, as he bore it no doubt designedly, hard and stiff against one
of my hands carelessly dropt; but then he employed such tender
prefacing, such winning progressions, that my returning passion of
desire being now so strongly prompted by the engaging circumstances of
the sight and incendiary touch of his naked glowing beauties, I yield
at length at the force of the present impressions, and he obtained of
my tacit blushing consent all the gratifications of pleasure left in
the power of my poor person to bestow, after he had cropt its richest
flower, during my suspension of life, and abilities to guard it.
“Here, according to the rule laid down, I should stop; but I am so much
in notion, that I could not if I would. I shall only add, however, that
I got home without the least discovery, or suspicion of what had
happened. I met my young ravisher several times after, whom I now
passionately loved and who, though not of age to claim a small but
independent fortune, would have married me; but as the accident that
prevented it, and its consequences, which threw me on the public,
contain matters too moving and serious to introduce at present, I cut
short here.”
Louisa, the brunette whom I mentioned at first, now took her turn to
treat the company with her history. I have already hinted to you the
graces of her person, than which nothing could be more exquisitely
touching; I repeat touching, as a just distinction from striking, which
is ever a less lasting effect, and more generally belongs to the fair
complexions; but leaving that decision to every one’s taste, I proceed
to give you Louisa’s narrative as follows:
“According to practical maxims of life, I ought to boast of my birth,
since I owe it to pure love, without marriage; but this I know, it was
scarce possible to inherit a stronger propensity to that cause of my
being than I did. I was the rare production of the first essay of a
journeyman cabinet-maker, on his master’s maid: the consequence of
which was a big belly, and the loss of a place. He was not in
circumstances to do much for her; and yet, after all this blemish, she
found means, after she had dropt her burthen, and disposed of me to a
poor relation in the country, to repair it by marrying a pastry-cook
here in London, in thriving business; on whom she soon, under favour of
the complete ascendant he had given her over him, passed me for a child
she had by her first husband. I had, on that footing, been taken home,
and was not six years old when this father-in-law died, and left my
mother in tolerable circumstances, and without any children by him. As
to my natural father, he had betaken himself to the sea; where, when
the truth of things came out, I was told that he died, not immensely
rich you may think, since he was no more than a common sailor. As I
grew up, under the eyes of my mother, who kept on the business, I could
not but see, in her severe watchfulness, the marks of a slip, which she
did not care should be hereditary; but we no more choose our passions
than our features or complexions, and the bent of mine was so strong to
the forbidden pleasure, that it got the better, at length, of all her
care and precaution. I was scarce twelve years old, before that part
which she wanted so much to keep out of harm’s way, made me feel its
impatience to be taken notice of, and come into play; already had it
put forth the signs of forwardness in the sprout of a soft down over
it, which had often fluttered, and I might also say, grown under my
constant touch and visitation, so pleased was I with what I took to be
a kind of title to womanhood, that state I pined to be entered of, for
the pleasures I conceived were annexed to it; and now the growing
importance of that part to me, and the new sensations in it, demolished
at once all my girlish play-things and amusements. Nature now pointed
me strongly to more solid diversions, while all the stings of desire
settled so fiercely in that little centre of them, that I could not
mistake the spot I wanted a playfellow in.
“I now shunned all company in which there was no hopes of coming at the
object of my longings, and used to shut myself up, to indulge in
solitude some tender meditation on the pleasure I strongly perceived
the overture of, in feeling and examining what nature assured me must
be the chosen avenue, the gates for unknown bliss to enter at, that I
panted after.
“But these meditations only increased my disorder, and blew the fire
that consumed me. I was yet worse when, yielding at length to the
insupportable irritations of the little fairy charm that tormented me,
I seized it with my fingers, teazing it to no end. Sometimes, in the
furious excitations of desire, I threw myself on the bed, spread my
thighs abroad, and lay as it were expecting the longed-for relief, till
finding my illusion, I shut and squeezed them together again, burning
and fretting. In short, this develish thing, with its impetuous girds
and itching fires, led me such a life, that I could neither, night or
day, be at peace with it or myself. In time, however, I thought I had
gained a prodigious prize, when figuring to myself that my fingers were
something of the shape of what I pined for, I worked my way in with one
of them with great agitation and delight; yet not without pain too did
I deflower myself as far as it could reach; proceeding with such a fury
of passion, in this solitary and last shift of pleasure, as extended me
at length breathless on the bed in an amorous melting trance.
“But frequency of use dulling the sensation, I soon began to perceive
that this work was but a paultry shallow expedient, that went but a
little way to relieve me, and rather raised more flame than its dry and
insignificant titillation could rightly appease.
“Man alone, I almost instinctively knew, as well as by what I had
industriously picked up at weddings and christenings, was possessed of
the only remedy that could reduce this rebellious disorder; but watched
and overlooked as I was, how to come at it was the point, and that, to
all appearance, an invincible one; not that I did not rack my brains
and invention how at once to elude my mothers vigilance, and procure
myself the satisfaction of my impetuous curiosity and longings for this
mighty and untasted pleasure. At length, however, a singular chance did
at once the work of a long course of alertness. One day that we had
dined at an acquaintance over the way, together with a
gentlewoman-lodger that occupied the first floor of our house, there
started an indispensable necessity for my mother’s going down to
Greenwich to accompany her: the party was settled, when I do not know
what genius whispered me to plead a headache, which I certainly had
not, against my being included in a jaunt that I had not the least
relish for. The pretext, however, passed, and my mother, with much
reluctance, prevailed with herself to go without me; but took
particular care to see me safe home, where she consigned me into the
hands of an old trusty maidservants, who served in the shop, for we had
not a male creature in the house.
“As soon as she was gone, I told the maid I would go up and lie down on
our lodger’s bed, mine not being made, with a charge to her at the same
time not to disturb me, as it was only rest I wanted. This injunction
probably proved of eminent service to me. As soon as I was got into the
bedchamber, I unlaced my stays, and threw myself on the outside of the
bedclothes, in all the loosest undress. Here I gave myself up to the
old insipid privy shifts of my self-viewing, self-touching
self-enjoying, in fine, to all the means of self knowledge I could
devise, in search of the pleasure that fled before me, and tantalized
with that unknown something that was out of my reach; thus all only
served to enflame myself, and to provoke violently my desires, whilst
the one thing needful to their satisfaction was not at hand, and I
could have bit my finger for representing it so ill. After then
wearying and fatiguing myself with grasping shadows, whilst that most
sensible part of me disdained to content itself with less than
realities, the strong yearnings, the urgent struggles of nature towards
the melting relief, and the extreme self-agitations I had used to come
at it, had wearied and thrown me into a kind of unquiet sleep: for, if
I tossed and threw about my limbs in proportion to the distraction of
my dreams, as I had reason to believe I did, a bystander could not have
helped seeing all for love. And one there was it seems; for waking out
of my very short slumber, I found my hand locked in that of a young
man, who was kneeling at my bed-side, and begging my pardon for his
boldness: but that being a son to the lady to whom, this bed-chamber,
he knew, belonged, he had slipped by the servant of the shop, as he
supposed, unperceived, when finding me asleep, his first ideas were to
withdraw; but that he had been fixed and detained there by a power he
could better account for, than resist.