Nic. Frog, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market, and
there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find that
John thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs. He
resolved to traverse this new project, and to make him uneasy in his own
family. He had corrupted or deluded most of his servants into the most
extravagant conceits in the world: that their master was run mad, and
wore a dagger in one pocket and poison in the other; that he had sold
his wife and children to Lewis, disinherited his heir, and was going
to settle his estate upon a parish-boy; that if they did not look after
their master, he would do some very mischievous thing. When John came
home, he found a more surprising scene than any he had yet met with, and
that you will say was somewhat extraordinary.
* Clamours about the danger of the succession.
He called his cook-maid Betty to bespeak his dinner. Betty told him
"That she begged his pardon, she could not dress dinner till she knew
what he intended to do with his will." "Why, Betty," quoth John, "thou
art not run mad, art thou? My will at present is to have dinner." "That
may be," quoth Betty, "but my conscience won't allow me to dress it till
I know whether you intend to do righteous things by your heir." "I am
sorry for that, Betty," quoth John; "I must find somebody else, then."
Then he called John the barber. "Before I begin," quoth John, "I hope
your honour won't be offended if I ask you whether you intend to alter
your will? If you won't give me a positive answer your beard may grow
down to your middle for me." "'Igad, so it shall," quoth Bull, "for I
will never trust my throat in such a mad fellow's hands. Where's Dick
the butler?" "Look ye," quoth Dick, "I am very willing to serve you in
my calling, d'you see, but there are strange reports, and plain-dealing
is best, d'ye see. I must be satisfied if you intend to leave all to
your nephew and if Nic. Frog is still your executor, d'ye see. If you
will not satisfy me as to these points you may drink with the ducks."
"And so I will," quoth John, "rather than keep a butler that loves my
heir better than myself." Hob the shoemaker, and Pricket the tailor,
told him they would most willingly serve him in their several stations
if he would promise them never to talk with Lewis Baboon, and let
Nicholas Frog, linen-draper, manage his concerns; that they
could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that were not in good
correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas.
JOHN BULL.--Call Andrew, my journeyman. How goes affairs, Andrew? I hope
the devil has not taken possession of thy body too.
ANDREW.--No, sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you were
dead?
JOHN BULL.--Just as other dead folks do, Andrew. [Aside.] This is
amazing!
ANDREW.--I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate.
JOHN BULL.--That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder him.
ANDREW.--But will you make it sure?
JOHN BULL.--Thou meanest that I should put him in possession, for I can
make it no surer without that. He has all the law can give him.
ANDREW.--Indeed, possession, as you say, would make it much surer. They
say it is eleven points of the law.
John began now to think that they were all enchanted. He inquired
about the age of the moon, if Nic. had not given them some intoxicating
potion, or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive? "No, o' my faith,"
quoth Harry, "I believe there is no potion in the case but a little
aurum potabile. You will have more of this by-and-by." He had scarce
spoken the word when another friend of John's accosted him after the
following manner:--
"Since those worthy persons, who are as much concerned for your safety
as I am, have employed me as their orator, I desire to know whether you
will have it by way of syllogism, enthymem, dilemma, or sorites?"
John now began to be diverted with their extravagance.
JOHN BULL.--Let's have a sorites by all means, though they are all new
to me.
FRIEND.--It is evident to all that are versed in history that there
were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago. Therefore it
plainly follows that it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner
of intercourse with Lewis Baboon. If it is not lawful for John Bull to
have any manner of intercourse (correspondence, if you will, that is
much the same thing) then, a fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the
said John to make over his wife and children to the said Lewis. If his
wife and children are not to be made over, he is not to wear a dagger
and ratsbane in his pockets. If he wears a dagger and ratsbane, it
must be to do mischief to himself or somebody else. If he intends to do
mischief, he ought to be under guardians, and there is none so fit as
myself and some other worthy persons who have a commission for that
purpose from Nic. Frog, the executor of his will and testament.
JOHN BULL.--And this is your sorites, you say?
With that he snatched a good tough oaken cudgel, and began to brandish
it. Then happy was the man that was first at the door. Crowding to get
out, they tumbled down-stairs. And it is credibly reported some of
them dropped very valuable things in the hurry, which were picked up by
others of the family.
"That any of these rogues," quoth John, "should imagine I am not as much
concerned as they about having my affairs in a settled condition, or
that I would wrong my heir for I know not what! Well, Nic., I really
cannot but applaud thy diligence. I must own this is really a pretty
sort of a trick, but it sha'n't do thy business, for all that."