JOHN BULL.--During this general cessation of talk, what if you and I,
Nic., should inquire how money matters stand between us?
NIC. FROG.--With all my heart; I love exact dealing. And let Hocus
audit; he knows how the money was disbursed.
JOHN BULL.--I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it between
ourselves. Fair and square, Nic., keeps friends together. There have
been laid out in this lawsuit, at one time, 36,000 pounds and 40,000
crowns. In some cases I, in others you, bear the greatest proportion.
NIC FROG.--Right; I pay three-fifths of the greatest number, and you pay
two-thirds of the lesser number. I think this is fair and square, as you
call it.
JOHN BULL.--Well, go on.
NIC FROG.--Two-thirds of 36,000 pounds are 24,000 pounds for your share,
and there remains 12,000 for mine. Again, of the 40,000 crowns I
pay 24,000, which is three-fifths, and you pay only 16,000, which is
two-fifths; 24,000 crowns make 6,000 pounds, and 16,000 crowns make
4,000 pounds; 12,000 and 16,000 make 18,000, 24,000 and 4,000 make
28,000. So there are 18,000 pounds to my share of the expenses, and
28,000 to yours.
After Nic. had bamboozled John awhile about the 18,000 and the 28,000,
John called for counters; but what with sleight of hand, and taking from
his own score and adding to John's, Nic. brought the balance always on
his own side.
JOHN BULL.--Nay, good friend Nic., though I am not quite so nimble in
the fingers, I understand ciphering as well as you. I will produce you
my accounts one by one, fairly writ out of my own books; and here I
begin with the first. You must excuse me if I don't pronounce the law
terms right.
[John reads.]
For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne judges,
lawyers innumerable of all sorts:--
Of extraordinaries, as follows per account..
To Esquire South's account for post terminums..
To ditto for non est factums..
To ditto for noli prosequis, discontinuance, and retraxit..
For writs of error..
Suits of conditions unperformed..
To Hocus for dedimus protestatem..
To ditto for a capias ad computandum..
To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus, for audita querelas..
On the said account for writs of ejectment and distringas..
To Esquire South's quota for a return of a non est invent
and nulla habet bona..
To ---- for a pardon in forma pauperis..
To Jack for a melius inquirendum upon a felo-de-se..
To coach-hire..
For treats to juries and witnesses..
John having read over his articles, with the respective sums, brought in
Frog debtor to him upon the balance, 3,382 pounds 12 shillings.
Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read.
Nicholas Frog's Account.
Remains to be deducted out of the former Account.
Paid by Nic. Frog for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit
..
To Hocus for entries of a rege inconsulto..
To John Bull's nephew for a venire facias, the money not yet all
laid out..
The coach-hire for my wife and family, and the carriage of my goods
during the
time of this lawsuit..
For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this
lawsuit..
To Major Ab...
To Major Will...
And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic.
Frog, 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence.
JOHN BULL.--As for your venire facias, I have paid you for one already;
in the other I believe you will be nonsuited. I'll take care of my
nephew myself. Your coach-hire and family charges are most unreasonable
deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man in the world my debtor.
But who the devil are those two majors that consume all my money? I find
they always run away with the balance in all accounts.
NIC. FROG.--Two very honest gentlemen, I assure you, that have done
me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater
ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this
lawsuit. It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power and
thy positiveness.
JOHN BULL.--I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount on
my side in a little time.
NIC. FROG.--Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a paltry
sum? Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich John Bull? I
wonder thou art not ashamed. Oh, Hocus! Hocus! where art thou? It used
to go another-guess manner in thy time. When a poor man has almost
undone himself for thy sake, thou art for fleecing him, and fleecing
him. Is that thy conscience, John?
JOHN BULL.--Very pleasant, indeed! It is well known thou retainest thy
lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy expenses;
they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a farthing's-worth of
anything. Nay, thou hast set up an eating-house, where the whole tribe
of them spend all they can rap or run. If it were well reckoned, I
believe thou gettest more of my money than thou spendest of thy own.
However, if thou wilt needs plead poverty, own at least that thy
accounts are false.
* The money spent in Holland and Flanders.
NIC. FROG.--No, marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest
gentlemen--let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his mind,
whether my accounts are not right, and whether we ought not to go on
with our lawsuit.
JOHN BULL.--Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think that
John Bull will be tried by piepowders? I tell you, once for all, John
Bull knows where his shoe pinches. None of your esquires shall give him
the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his side, or has an
inch of broadcloth in his shop.
NIC. FROG.--Why, there it is: you will be both judge and party. I am
sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before these
strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy ruin
some time or other. Let it never be said that the famous John Bull has
departed in despite of Court.
JOHN BULL.--And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic., to
turn barretter in thy old days--a stirrer-up of quarrels amongst thy
neighbours? I tell thee, Nic., some time or other thou wilt repent this.
But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that he
should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending the
composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders," quoth John,
"I shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst them, take it up
who dares. A man has a fine time of it amongst a combination of sharpers
that vouch for one another's honesty. John, look to thyself; old Lewis
makes reasonable offers. When thou hast spent the small pittance that
is left, thou wilt make a glorious figure when thou art brought to live
upon Nic. Frog and Esquire South's generosity and gratitude. If they use
thee thus when they want thee, what will they do when thou wantest them?
I say again, John, look to thyself."
John wisely stifled his resentments, and told the company that in a
little time he should give them law, or something better.
ALL.--*Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twenty-two poor years
towards the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of God, more law, sir!
* Clamours for continuing the war.
JOHN BULL.--Prepare your demands how many years more of law you want,
that I may order my affairs accordingly. In the meanwhile, farewell.