* At the Congress of Utrecht.
Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis
Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and Nic.
asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and then to
steal a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table to slip
a short note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put into John's
pocket, with a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was about. John had
the curiosity to retire into a corner to peruse those billets doux* of
Nic.'s, wherein he found that Nic. had used great freedoms both with his
interest and reputation. One contained these words: "Dear Lewis, thou
seest clearly that this blockhead can never bring his matters to bear.
Let thee and me talk to-night by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give
thee satisfaction." Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy
sense quite forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with
nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!"
* Some offers of the Dutch at that time, in order to get the
negotiation into their hands.
In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his
guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his command;
that he could have John gagged and bound whenever he pleased by the
people of his own family." In all these epistles, blockhead, dunce,
ass, coxcomb, were the best epithets he gave poor John. In others he
threatened,* "That he, Esquire South, and the rest of the tradesmen,
would lay Lewis down upon his back and beat out his teeth if he did not
retire immediately and break up the Meeting."
* Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without
the help of the English.
I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as he
read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the chops,
but he wisely moderated his choleric temper. *"I saved this fellow,"
quoth he, "from the gallows when he ran away from his last master,
because I thought he was harshly treated; but the rogue was no sooner
safe under my protection than he began to lie, pilfer, and steal like
the devil. When I first set him up in a warm house he had hardly put up
his sign when he began to debauch my best customers from me. *Then it
was his constant practice to rob my fish-ponds, not only to feed his
family, but to trade with the fishmongers. I connived at the fellow till
he began to tell me that they were his as much as mine. In my manor of
*Eastcheap, because it lay at some distance from my constant inspection,
he broke down my fences, robbed my orchards, and beat my servants."
* Complaints against the Dutch for encroachment in trade,
fishery, East Indies, etc. The war with the Dutch on these
accounts.
"When I used to reprimand him for his tricks he would talk saucily, lie,
and brazen it out as if he had done nothing amiss. 'Will nothing cure
thee of thy pranks, Nic.?' quoth I; 'I shall be forced some time or
other to chastise thee.' The rogue got up his cane and threatened me,
and was well thwacked for his pains. But I think his behaviour at this
time worst of all; after I have almost drowned myself to keep his head
above water, he would leave me sticking in the mud, trusting to
his goodness to help me out. After I have beggared myself with his
troublesome lawsuit, with a plague to him! he takes it in mighty dudgeon
because I have brought him here to end matters amicably, and because I
won't let him make me over by deed and indenture as his lawful cully,
which to my certain knowledge he has attempted several times. But, after
all, canst thou gather grapes from thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a
gentleman; he is a tradesman, a self-seeking wretch. But how camest
thou to hear all this, John? The reason is plain; thou conferrest the
benefits and he receives them; the first produces love, and the last
ingratitude. Ah Nic., Nic., thou art a damned dog, that's certain; thou
knowest too well that I will take care of thee, else thou wouldst not
use me thus. I won't give thee up, it is true; but as true as it is,
thou shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable custom." While
John was deep in this soliloquy Nic. broke out into the following
protestation:--
"Gentlemen,--I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a very
just and disinterested person. My friend John Bull here is very angry
with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish bargains. Now I
declare to all mankind I should be ready to sacrifice my own concerns
to his quiet, but the care of his interest, and that of the honest
tradesmen* that are embarked with us, keeps me from entering into this
composition. What shall become of those poor creatures? The thoughts of
their impending ruin disturb my night's rest; therefore I desire they
may speak for themselves. If they are willing to give up this affair, I
sha'n't make two words of it."
* The Allies.
John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him, and
withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had not sat
quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion. Nic. answered
little to that, but immediately pulled out a boatswain's whistle. Upon
the first whiff the tradesmen came jumping into the room, and began to
surround Lewis like so many yelping curs about a great boar; or, to use
a modester simile, like duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes
into the country. One pulled him by his sleeve, another by the skirt, a
third hallooed in the ear. They began to ask him for all that had
been taken from their forefathers by stealth, fraud, force, or lawful
purchase. Some asked for manors, others for acres that lay convenient
for them; that he would pull down his fences, level his ditches. All
agreed in one common demand that he should be purged, sweated,
vomited, and starved, till he came to a sizeable bulk like that of his
neighbours. One modestly asked him leave to call him brother. Nic. Frog
demanded two things--to be his porter and his fishmonger, to keep
the keys of his gates and furnish the kitchen. John's sister Peg only
desired that he would let his servants sing psalms a-Sundays. Some
descended even to the asking of old clothes, shoes and boots, broken
bottles, tobacco-pipes, and ends of candles.
"Monsieur Bull," quoth Lewis, "you seem to be a man of some breeding;
for God's sake use your interest with these Messieurs, that they would
speak but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair of hands, and as
many tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this rate." John begged they
might proceed with some method; then they stopped all of a sudden and
would not say a word. "If this be your play," quoth John, "that we may
not be like a Quaker's dumb meeting, let us begin some diversion; what
d'ye think of rouly-pouly or a country dance? What if we should have a
match at football? I am sure we shall never end matters at this rate."