"Was ye iver in th' pa-apers?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"Wanst," said Mr. Hennessy. "But it wasn't me. It was another
Hinnissy. Was you?"
"Manny times," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was prom'nent socyally,
ye cud hardly pick up a pa-aper without seein' me name in it an'
th' amount iv th' fine. Ye must lade a very simple life. Th'
newspaper is watchin' most iv us fr'm th' cradle to th' grave, an'
befure an' afther. Whin I was a la-ad thrippin' continted over
th' bogs iv Roscommon, ne'er an iditor knew iv me existence, nor
I iv his. Whin annything was wrote about a man 'twas put this
way: 'We undhershtand on good authority that M--l--chi H---y,
Esquire, is on thrile before Judge G----n on an accusation iv
l--c--ny. But we don't think it's true.' Nowadays th' larceny is
discovered be a newspa-aper. Th' lead pipe is dug up in ye'er
back yard be a rayporther who knew it was there because he helped
ye bury it. A man knocks at ye'er dure arly wan mornin' an' ye
answer in ye'er nighty. 'In th' name iv th' law, I arrist ye,'
says th' man seizin' ye be th' throat. 'Who ar-re ye?' ye cry.
'I'm a rayporther f'r th' Daily Slooth,' says he. 'Phottygrafter,
do ye'er jooty!' Ye're hauled off in th' circylation wagon to th'
newspaper office, where a con-fission is ready f'r ye to sign;
ye're thried be a jury iv th' staff, sintinced be th' iditor-in-chief
an' at tin o'clock Friday th' fatal thrap is sprung be th' fatal
thrapper iv th' fam'ly journal.
"Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce
an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, conthrols th' ligislachure,
baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted,
afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.
They ain't annything it don't turn its hand to fr'm explaining
th' docthrine iv thransubstantiation to composin' saleratus biskit.
Ye can get anny kind iv information ye want to in ye'er fav'rite
newspaper about ye'ersilf or annywan else. What th' Czar whispered
to th' Imp'ror Willum whin they were alone, how to make a silk
hat out iv a wire matthress, how to settle th' coal sthrike, who
to marry, how to get on with ye'er wife whin ye're married, what
to feed th' babies, what doctor to call whin ye've fed thim as
directed,--all iv that ye'll find in th' pa-apers.
"They used to say a man's life was a closed book. So it is but
it's an open newspaper. Th' eye iv th' press is on ye befure ye
begin to take notice. Th' iditor obsarves th' stork hoverin' over
th' roof iv 2978 1/2 B Ar-rchey Road an' th' article he writes
about it has a wink in it. 'Son an' heir arrives f'r th' Hon'rable
Malachi Hinnissy,' says th' pa-aper befure ye've finished th'
dhrink with th' doctor. An' afther that th' histhry iv th'
offspring's life is found in th' press:
"'It is undhershtud that there is much excitement in th' Hinnissy
fam'ly over namin' th' lates' sign. Misther Hinnissy wishes it
called Pathrick McGlue afther an uncle iv his, an' Mrs. Hinnissy
is in favor iv namin' it Alfonsonita afther a Pullman car she seen
wan day. Th' Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv thirty dollars f'r
th' bes' name f'r this projeny. Maiden ladies will limit their
letters to three hundherd wurruds.'
"'Above is a snap shot iv young Alfonsonita McGlue Hinnissy, taken
on his sicond birthday with his nurse, Miss Angybel Blim, th'
well-known specyal nurse iv th' Avenin' Fluff. At th' time th'
phottygraft was taken, th' infant was about to bite Miss Blim which
accounts f'r th' agynized exprission on that gifted writer's face.
Th' Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv four dollars to th' best answer
to th' question: "What does th' baby think iv Miss Blim?"'
"'Young Alf Hinnissy was siven years ol' yisterdah. A rayporther
iv th' Fluff sought him out an' indeavored to intherview him on
th' Nicaragooan Canal, th' Roomanyan Jews, th' tahriff an' th'
thrusts. Th' comin' statesman rayfused to be dhrawn on these
questions, his answer bein' a ready, "Go chase ye'ersilf, ye big
stiff!" Afther a daylightful convarsation th' rayporther left,
bein' followed to th' gate be his janial young host who hit him
smartly in th' back with a brick. He is a chip iv th' ol' block.'
"'Groton, Conn., April 8. Ye'er rayporther was privileged to see
th' oldest son iv th' Hon'rable Malachi Hinnissy started at this
siminary f'r th' idjacation iv young Englishmen bor-rn in America.
Th' heir iv th' Hinnissys was enthered at th' exclusive school
thirty years befure he was bor-rn. Owin' to th' uncertainty iv
his ancesthors he was also enthered at Vassar. Th' young fellow
took a lively intherest in th' school. Th' above phottygraft
riprisints him mathriculatin'. Th' figures at th' foot ar-re
Misther an' Mrs. Hinnissy. Those at th' head ar-re Profissor
Peabody Plantagenet, prisident iv th' instichoochion an' Officer
Michael H. Rafferty. Young Hinnissy will remain here till he has
a good cukkin' idjacation.'
"'Exthry Red Speshul Midnight Edition. Mumps! Mumps! Mumps! Th'
heir iv th' Hinnissy's sthricken with th' turr'ble scoorge. Panic
on th' stock exchange. Bereaved father starts f'r th' plague spot
to see his afflicted son. Phottygrafts iv Young Hinnissy at wan,
two, three, eight an' tin. Phottygrafts iv th' house where his
father was born, his mother, his aunt, his uncle, Profissor
Plantagenet, Groton School, th' gov'nor iv Connecticut, Chansy
Depoo, statue iv Liberty, Thomas Jefferson, Niagara Falls be
moonlight. Diagram iv jaw an' head showin' th' prob'ble coorse
iv the Mumpococeus. Intherviews with J. Pierpont Morgan, Terry
McGovern, Mary MeLain, Jawn Mitchell, Lyman J. Gage, th' Prince
iv Wales, Sinitor Bivridge, th' Earl iv Roslyn, an' Chief Divry
on Mumps. We offer a prize iv thirty million dollars in advertisin'
space f'r a cure f'r th' mumps that will save th' nation's pride.
Later, it's croup.'
"An' so it goes. We march through life an' behind us marches th'
phottygrafter an' th' rayporther. There are no such things as
private citizens. No matther how private a man may be, no matther
how secretly he steals, some day his pitcher will be in th' pa-aper
along with Mark Hanna, Stamboul 2:01 1/2, Fitzsimmons' fightin'
face, an' Douglas, Douglas, Tin dollar shoe. He can't get away
fr'm it. An' I'll say this f'r him, he don't want to. He wants
to see what bad th' neighbors are doin' an' he wants thim to see
what good he's doin'. He gets fifty per cint iv his wish; niver
more. A man keeps his front window shade up so th' pa-apers can
come along an' make a pitcher iv him settin' in his iligant furnished
parlor readin' th' life iv Dwight L. Moody to his fam'ly. An'
th' lad with th' phottygraft happens along at th' moment whin he
is batin' his wife. If we wasn't so anxious to see our names among
those prisint at th' ball, we wudden't get into th' pa-apers so
often as among those that ought to be prisint in th' dock. A man
takes his phottygraft to th' iditor an' says he: 'Me attintion has
been called to th' fact that ye'd like to print this mug iv a
prom'nent philanthropist;' an' th' iditor don't use it till he's
robbed a bank. Ivrybody is inthrested in what ivrybody else is
doin' that's wrong. That's what makes th' newspapers. An' as
this is a dimmycratic counthry where ivrybody was bor-rn akel
to ivrybody else, aven if they soon outgrow it, an' where wan man's
as good as another an' as bad, all iv us has a good chanst to have
his name get in at laste wanst a year.
"Some goes in at Mrs. Rasther's dinner an' some as victims iv a
throlley car, but ivrybody lands at last. They'll get ye afther
awhile, Hinnissy. They'll print ye'er pitcher. But on'y wanst.
A newspaper is to intertain, not to teach a moral lesson."
"D'ye think people likes th' newspapers iv th' prisint time?" asked
Mr. Hennessy.
"D'ye think they're printed f'r fun?" said Mr. Dooley.