What's this here war game I've been readin' about?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.
"It's a kind iv a blind man's buff," said Mr. Dooley. "It's a
thrile iv cunnin' an' darin' between th' army an' th' navy. Be
manes iv it we tarn whether th' inimy cud sneak into Boston afther
dark without annywan seein' thim an' anchor in Boston common. Ye
an' I know diff'rent, Hinnissy. We know how manny people are in
th' sthreets afther dark. But th' navy don't know an' th' army
don't know. Their idee is that a German fleet might gum-shoe up
th' harbor in th' dark iv th' moon an' whin people turned out f'r
their mornin' dhram, there wud be th' Impror Willum atin' his
breakfast iv Hungayrian Goolash an' noodle soup on th' steps iv
th' State House iv Matsachoosetts. But it's a gran' game. I'd
like to play it mesilf. It's as noisy as forty-fives between
Connock men an' as harmless as a steeryopticon letcher. If war
an' th' war game was th' same thing, I'd be an admiral, at laste,
be this time with me face gashed an' seamed be raspberry jam an'
me clothes stained with English breakfast tea.
"Th' navy chose to be th' inimy an' 'twas th' jooty iv th' navy
to divastate th' New England coast. On th' other hand, th' business
iv th' army was to catch th' navy at its neefaryous wurruk an' tag
it befure it cud get its fingers crost. To play th' game well,
th' navy must act as much like an inimy as it can an' th' army
must pretind to be jus' as cross at th' navy as it is whin they
are both on the same side. Frindship ceases whin they set in.
"It's a hard game to follow if ye're lookin' on an' puttin' up th'
money as I am. I've been readin' about it in th' pa-apers an' I
can't make out now whether th' inimy is lootin' th' breweries iv
Conneticut or whether th' definders iv our hearths has blown thim
up in th' harbor iv New London. 'I have th' honor to rayport,'
says Admiral Higginson, 'that I have this day desthroyed all th'
forts on th' New England coast, put th' definders to rout with
gr-reat slaughter an' kilt with me own hands Gin'ral McArthur th'
Commander iv th' lan' foorces--a brave man but no match f'r ye'ers
thruly. His las' wurruds to me was "Higginson, ye done well!" I
rayturned him his soord with th' wurruds: "Gin'ral, between two
brave men there can be no hard feelin's." Th' battle in which me
gallant foe met his fate was th' con-clusion iv wan iv th' mos'
successful socyal an' naval campaigns in th' histhry iv our counthry.
I have th' honor to inform ye that promptly on th' declaration
iv war, I give an afthernoon tea to th' Duchess iv Marlborough.
Th' forts at Newport attimpted to reply, but was unable to scoor
more thin three or four westhren millyonaires an' soon succumbed
to th' inivitable. I thin moved up th' Sound an' fell upon Gin'ral
McArthur whin he wasn't lookin'. Befure he cud load his guns, we
poored a perfect blankety-blank hell iv blank catridges on him.
He made a spirited reply but t'was useless. We outfought him be
nearly fifty thousan' dollars worth iv powdher. In th' mist iv
th' flame an' smoke, I discerned th' caitiff foe standin' on top
iv a fort directin' his wav'rin' foorces. "Hi-spy, Gin'ral McArthur,"
says I in claryon tones, an' th' battle was over to all intints
an' purposes. I have to ispicially commind Cap'n McWhallop who,
findin' his boat caught between th' fires an' th' inimy, called
out: "Lay me down, boys, an' save th' ship. I'm full iv marmylade."
Th' ladies aboord was perfectly delighted with th' valor an'
hospitality iv our men. To-night we completed our wurruk be givin'
a dinner an' hop on boord th' flagship. Among those presint was--'
an' so on.
"That's what th' gallant Higginson says. But listen to what th'
akelly gallant McArthur says: 'I have th' honor to rayport that
mesilf an' me gallant men, but largely if I do say it that shudden't,
mesilf, crushed an' annihilated th' inimy's fleet at high noon
to-day. Las' night at th' first round iv jacks, or midnight, as
civilyans wud say, we rayceived a rayport fr'm our vigylant scouts
that th' inimy were not at Bar Harbor, Pookypsie, Keokuk, Johannesboorg
or Council Bluffs. But where were they? That was th' question.
An idee struck me. War is as much a matther iv ingenooty an'
thought as iv fire an' slaughter. I sint out f'r an avenin' paper
an' as I suspicted, it announced that th' craven foe was about
two blocks away. At that very moment, th' sthrains iv th' "Bloo
Danoob" was wafted to me ears an' me suspicions was confirmed. On
such occasions there is no sleep f'r th' modhren sojer. Napolyon
wud've gone to bed but slumber niver crost me tired eyelids. 'Twas
six o'clock whin we cashed in an' each wint to th' mournful jooties
iv th' day, silently but with a heart full iv courage. At high
noon, we fell upon th' inimy an' poored out about eighty-five
thousan' dollars worth iv near-slaughter on him. His guns was
choked with cotillyon favors an' he did not reply at wanst, but
whin he did, th' scene was thruly awful. Th' sky was blackened
be th' smoke iv smokeless powdher an' th' air was full iv cotton
waste fr'm th' fell injines iv desthruction. A breeze fr'm shore
carried out to me ears th' wails iv th' wounded tax payers. At
twelve fifteen, I descried th' bloodthirsty Higginson--an' a good
fellow Caleb is at that--on th' roof iv his boat. "Hi-spy," says
he. "Hi-spy ye'er gran'mother," says I. "I've had me eye on ye
f'r fifteen minyits an' ye're a dead man as I can prove be witnesses,"
I says. An' he fell off th' roof. I was sorry to take his life
but war knows no mercy. He was a brave man but foolhardy. He
ought niver to've gone again' me. He might've licked Cervera but
he cudden't lick me. We captured all th' men-iv-war, desthroyed
most iv th' cruisers an' ar-re now usin' th' flag-ship f'r a
run-about. Th' counthry is safe, thanks to a vigylant an' sleepless
army. I will go up to New York tomorrah to be measured f'r th'
prisintation soord."
"There it is, Hinnissy. Who won? I don't know. I can't tell at
this minyit whether I ought to be undher th' bed larnin' German
f'r th' time whin a Prooshyan sojer'll poke me out with his saber,
or down at Finucane's hall callin' a meetin' to thank th' definders
iv th' fireside. Nobody knows. It's a quare game, f'r they tell
me afther th' battles has been fought an' th' kilt has gone back
to holeystonin' th' deck an' th' smoke fr'm th' chafin' dish has
cleared away, th' decision is up to a good figurer at Wash'nton.
It depinds on him whether we ar-re a free people or whether we
wear th' yoke iv sarvichood an' bad German hats f'r all time.
He's th' officyal scoorer an' what Higginson thinks was a base
hit, he calls a foul an' what McArthur calls an accipted chanst
is an error. Afther th' gallant lads in blue an' gold has got
through, a wathry-eyed clerk named Perkins H. Something-or-other,
sets down an' figures out th' victhry. Th' man behind th' fountain
pen is th' boy. It's up to him whether th' stars an' sthripes
still floats over an onconquered people or whether five pfennigs
is th' price iv a dhrink in New York. He sets on his high stool
an' says he: 'Five times eight is twinty-nine, subthract three
f'r th' duchess, a quarther to one o'clock an' eighty miles fr'm
Narragansett pier is two-an'-a-half, plus th' load-wather-line iv
th' saloon companionway, akel to two-fifths iv th' differentyal
tangent. Huroo! Misther Sicrety, ye can go home an' tell ye'er
wife th' counthry's safe.' He has to be a smart man. A good
book-keeper, as th' pote says, is th' counthry's on'y safety. He
mus' be careful, too, d'ye mind. Th' honor iv th' army an' the
navy is at stake. Wan or th' other iv thim has been careless."
"D'ye think a foreign fleet cud capture this counthry?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.
"Not onless it was op'rated be a throlley," said Mr. Dooley.
"Supposin' ye an' I had throuble, Hinnissy, an' both iv us was
armed with bricks an' ye was on roller skates an' I was on th' top
iv a house, how much chanst wud ye have again' me? Ships is good
to fight other ships. That's all. I'd sooner be behind a bank
iv mud thin in th' finest ship in th' wurruld. A furrin inimy
thryin' to get up to New York wud be like a blind burglar attimptin'
to walk on th' top iv a hot-house with all th' neighbors an' th'
neighbors' dogs waitin' f'r him. Th' war game is all right. It
don't do anny harm. But it's like punchin' th' bag an' I'd jus'
as soon thrain a man f'r a fight be larnin' him to play th' mandolin,
as be insthructin' him in bag punchin'. It's a fine game. I don't
know who won, but I know who lost."
"Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Th' threeasury," said Mr. Dooley.