"What a life iv advinture I have led, to be sure. I've niver been
still a minyit since I cud see an' hear--always on th' go, performin'
heeroyc actions on land an' sea. Between th' ages iv eight an'
fifteen I bet ye I caught more runaway teams thin all th' park
polismen in th' wurruld. I begun with stoppin' th' horses iv a
man called Monahan that owned a canal boat an' askin' as a reward
that he give me a job dhrivin' th' mule. But I rose rapidly in
th' wurruld, an' befure I was fifteen I was dashin' out nearly
ivry hour an' nailin' a team iv maddened animals in th' bullyvard
an' savin' th' life iv th' pet daughther iv a millyonaire. She
usully accepted me young hand in marredge in th' dhrug store. But
sometimes whin I needed a top or a kite I took money. I'm ashamed
to con-fiss it, but I did. Iv coorse I rayfused th' first offer
iv th' pluthycrat. Whin he thried to crowd wan millyon dollar on
me, I give him a look iv scorn an' moved away. He was tur-rbly
ashamed iv his onmanly action an' followed me up an' be sharp
schamin' managed to get two millyons to me in a way that I cuddn't
resint. I think it come in th' shape iv an advance payment on th'
dowry.
"At fifteen I quit stoppin' runaway horses as on'y suited to
childher. After that I wint in almost entirely f'r knockin' down
arnychists as they was about to shoot. I saved th' life iv th'
Impror iv Rooshya, an' he was anxious f'r to have me stay at th'
coort, but people begun to talk about me an' wan iv th' rile
princesses an' I left. On my way home I seized an arnychist jus'
as he had raised his pistol again th' Prince iv Wales, an' as a
reward he freed Ireland on th' spot. I rayceived an ovation f'r
this in Dublin in 1860 or thereabouts, but I disclaimed anny glory,
was always willin' to do annything f'r me counthry, wisht them th'
best iv luck: gintlemen, I can on'y say, I thank ye, I thank ye,
I thank ye.
"Me raycint advintures has been more in th' spoortin' line. I had
to give up futball afther winnin' victhry f'r me almy matther f'r
four successive years be a suparb run aroun' th' end. F'r a long
time I sailed th' cup dayfinder ivry year, an' always won be a
sthrategy that no wan but mesilf undherstands. I've killed iliphants
an' tigers be th' hundherd, rescooed people fr'm dhrownin' be th'
thousan', climbed up th' outside iv a burnin' buildin' an' come
down with two or three fine-lookin' ladies in me arms, captured
forts, charged armies, knocked out th' wurruld's greatest pugilists
with a punch, led revolutions, suppressed thim, an' done it all
modestly an' quietly.
"Iv coorse I won't say 'twas always th' spirit iv advinture led
me into these gallant acts. If I must tell ye th' thruth I've
gin'rally took less intherest in th' advinture itself thin in th'
reward. I'm always a little hazy about th' details iv how I saved
th' girl fr'm th' rapids iv Niagra whin I can't swim, or how I
happened to hit th' tiger in th' eye whin I'm so afraid iv firearms,
or how I stopped th' runaway team whin I know that th' other day
whin th' milkman's horse broke loose th' best I cud do was run to
th' edge iv th' sidewalk an' wring me hands an' yell: "Whoa!" But
th' grateful millyonaire is always distinct. I can always hear
th' cheers iv th' crowd as I come dhrippin' fr'm th' wather.
Though th' raison I happened to be ladin' me rig'mint up th' hill
iv San Joon is not clear to me now, I can plainly see mesilf
returnin' fr'm th' war, bronzed and weather-beaten, settin' erect
on me horse an' respondin' to th' frantic cheers iv th' multichood
with a slight bow. I always used to lose an arm or part iv an
arm, but I've larned that isn't nicess'ry.
"An' where have all these advintures occurred, d'ye say? Well,
some iv th' most feerocyous iv thim happened in me bedroom, an'
some on th' front stoop iv th' house on warm moonlight nights, but
most iv thim here in this room in front iv th' fire. Be rights
th' walls ought to be dic'rated with moose antlers, tigers' heads,
diplomas, soords, votes iv Congress, medals an' autygrafted pitchers
iv th' crowned heads iv Europe. Th' best advintures anny iv us
has is at home in a comf'rtable room--th' mos' excitin' an' th'
asiest. Ye can make ye'ersilf as brave as ye want an' as cool,
ye avide mussin' ye'er clothes, ye flavor with danger to suit th'
taste, an' ye get a good dale more applause an' get it quicker
thin th' other kind iv hayro. F'r manny years I've shot all me
tigers fr'm this rockin' chair."