"Why did th' Boers quit fightin'?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Th' supply iv British gin'rals give out," said Mr. Dooley. "They
were fin'lly crushed be th' surrindher iv Gin'ral Lord Mechoon.
"Up to that time th' British had niver gained anny important
advantage. They'd surrindhered ninety or a hundherd thousan'
private sojery, thirty or forty colonels, near all th' officers
iv th' guards, th' Northumberland Fusileers over an' over again,
an' Winston Churchill; they'd hurled gr-reat masses iv th' Impeeryal
Yeomanry into th' prison camps iv th' Boers; they'd surrindhered
rifles, an' ammunition an' pompons an' mules, but nary a British
gin'ral among thim. Although a smaller foorce, Hinnissy, th' Boers
had th' advantage iv knowin' ivry foot iv th' ground they were
fightin' on. Manny iv thim had just gone there, while th' British
had been on th' ground f'r three years with an opporchunity to
f'rget something ivry hour. Th' crafty Dutch, marchin' almost as
well be bright moonlight as in th' day time, proceedin' without
rest f'r hours at a time, always placin' th' catridge in th' gun
befure firm', hardy, vigorous an' accustomed to th' veldt, had
eluded all attempts to hand thim th' roast beef iv Merry England
in th' shape iv a gin'ral.
"But whin Gin'ral, me Lord Kitchener, th' Great Coon Conqueror,
wint to South Africa, like th' stern an' remorseless warryor that
he is, he detarmined to niver rest till he had desthroyed th'
inimy. In less thin two years, he had evolved his sthrategy. I
will tell ye what it was, because ye're inthrested in military
plans. He spread his magnificent army iv gallant Britons out in
a long line that sthretched clane acrost th' counthry, wan yeoman
deep. Thin, accompanied be his sub-gin'rals, he moved out in th'
followin' ordher. I'll dhraw it f'r ye, as I see it in th' pa-aper.
Here ye ar-re:
"The band,
"Gin'ral Lord Kitchener, K.C.B., K.N., K.L.K., G.K.R. (with medals),
"The other gin'rals,
"Pianos, Pianolas, Cottage Organs, Ping Pong Sets, Tennis Bats,
Bridge Scores, Cricket Stumps, War Corryspondints,
"Th' Avingin' Line,
"Their horses,
"Their ammunition,
"Their Food, and
"Their Rifles.
"As th' dhread formation moved off in th' bright sunlight iv that
fair day in March, with th' band playin' a quick shtep an' th'
colors flyin' in th' air, it was a sight to make ivry Englishman
proud iv th' fact that he had to be an Englishman. Detarmination
was written in ivry face--th' detarmination to go on at anny risk
till tea time. No flinchin', no hisitation, ivry man with his
head erect an' th' feelin' in his heart that on him rested th'
security iv th' impire if so. On, an' iver on they marched, fr'm
Spimfontein, past th' gleamin' spires iv Wa-aberneck, till they
saw in th' distance th' long, low line iv purple light that marked
th' walls iv Boobenastofein. It was thin four o'clock P.M., an'
th' column halted while th' bugles blew th' cheery call to tea.
Eager hands unshipped th' marmalade an' opened th' caddies, bread
was toasted on th' small stoves carrid be ivry officer's valet,
th' pickets an' scouts were dispatched f'r plum cake an' f'rgettin'
f'r a moment th' thriles iv th' campaign, th' rough warryors
indulged in that repast that has done so much to make Englishmen
what they are. At siven, havin' taken all precautions, havin'
placed th' powdher in a cool runnin' brook an' tethered th' mules
to th' rifles, th' vast army slept. It was breakfast time whin
th' God iv Slumber was dhriven off be th' other British God iv
Appetite. Such, Hinnissy, is th' brief story iv Gin'ral Kitchener's
cillybrated dhrive, as I read it in th' pa-apers.
"To some extint it was succissful an' to some other extints not.
Th' bands were good. Th' tea was fine, though some prefer Oolong.
Rifles, pompons, mules, fusileers, etcethry had been lost. But
not wan British gin'ral had been captured. Not wan. They were
all at breakfast an' th' great heart iv th' British nation was
sad. Th' great heart begun to grumble, which is a way th' great
heart iv a nation has. It ast what was th' use iv this costly
manoover--if they was as manny gin'rals left afther it as befure.
While in this mood, it was ilicthryfied be a piece iv startlin'
intilligince. Th' whisper ran round, grew to be a murmur, increased
to a roar, mounted to a shriek that Mechoon was captured.
"It seemed too good to be thrue. No wan cud believe it at first.
But fin'lly it was officially announced in Parlymint be that hot
headed ol' pathrite, Lord Salsberry himsilf. In a voice choked
be emotion he arose an' give three cheers. Afther which he read
Gin'ral Kitchener's dispatch: 'I have th' pleasure to rayport that
yisterdah at nine o'clock Lord Mechoon be a superb sthrategy had
himsilf surrounded be an infeeryor foorce iv Boers undher Gin'ral
Delaney or some such name. Our cust'mary precaution iv dhrawin'
in th' pickets afther nightfall an' buryin' our rifles, which had
repeatedly failed in th' past owin' to th' caution iv th' Boers,
wurruked admirably. Gin'ral Delaney was completely taken be
surprise an' befure he cud recover, Lord Mechoon had thrown himsilf
around his neck an' given him his cigreet case in token iv submission.
Th' command behaved with gr-reat gallantry. In wan case, a
whole comp'ny surrindhered to wan Boer. I am sindin' ricommindations
f'r th' Victorya cross be freight. Unforchunitly our casulties
were very heavy. Mesilf an' nearly all th' other gin'rals escaped
capture. But betther luck nex' time. Gin'ral Dewet is about a
mile fr'm here, if in Africa at all, or indeed, livin'. Gin'ral
Botha is said to be in Ioway, though ye can't believe ivrything
ye see in th' pa-apers. Wan or th' other may be enthrapped into
kidnapin' me. In th' manetime I am plannin' right along. I sleep
constantly in clothes becomin' me station, an' th' impire may rely
on me not makin' a show iv mesilf whin I am took. Ye'ers hopefully,
Kitchener.'
"Th' Boers niver raycovered fr'm th' tur'ble blow. Their spirits
was crushed. Their hopes had fled. Th' kindergartens had opened
an' manny iv their bravest warryors had been carried off be their
mothers. Anny moment they might be surrounded an' surrindhered
to. So wan mornin' th' entire mighty army, th' whole thirty-two
iv them, histed th' white flag an' presinted their bill."
"An' so th' war is over?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"On'y part iv it," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' part that ye see in th'
pitcher pa-apers is over, but th' tax collector will continyoo
his part iv th' war with relentless fury. Cav'lry charges are not
th' on'y wars in a rale war."