"About this time ivry year," said Mr. Dooley, "I go to Newport f'r
th' summer."
"Ye go where?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"I go to Newport," said Mr. Dooley, calmly, "in th' pa-apers.
Newport's always there. I may not find annything about th' fire
at th' yards or th' war in th' Ph'lippeens, but if Mrs. Rasther
opens a can iv salmon or pounds th' top off an egg, it's down in
black an' white be th' fearless hands iv th' iditor. 'Tis a
gr-reat joy bein' lithry an' knowin' how to read. Th' air is
hot in Ar-rchey Road; ye can see it. It looks an' feels like
hot soup with people floatin' around in it like viggytables. Th'
smoke poors fr'm th' chimbly iv th' rollin' mills an' comes right
down on th' sthreet an' jines us. People ar-re lyin' out iv
doors with their mouths open. They'se a gr-reat dale iv cholery
infantum an' a few deleeryam thremens. If I cudden't read I'd be
hot about th' weather an' things. But whin th' day is darkest an'
I don't want to see me best cukkin' frind, I takes me yacht at th'
top iv page eight an' goes sailin' off to Newport in me shirt
sleeves with twelve inches iv malt in th' hook iv me thumb, an'
there I stay till I want to come back an' rest.
"'Th' autymobill season has opened in deadly earnest. Manny new
machines is seen daily an' wan iv th' delights iv th' summer colony
is to go out iv an avenin' an' see th' farmers iv th' neighborhood
pluckin' their horses fr'm th' top branches iv threes. Th' younger
Hankerbilt has atthracted much attintion be his acc'rate ridin'.
Th' other day he made a scoor iv eight fr'm a runnin' start in
tin minyits an' this in spite iv th' fact that he was obliged to
come back to th' last wan, a Swede named Olson, an' bump him over
again.
"'Misther Graball, th' Muskegon millionaire who got into s'ciety
las' year be dyin' his hair green an' givin' a dinner at which all
th' guests rayceived a lumber mill as sooveneers, has returned
suddenly fr'm th' West an' his house party is over.'
"'Little Aigrette Vandycooker has a tooth, her elder sister a
markess, an' her mother a siparation.'
"'Misther an' Mrs. Roger Smitherson an' frind ar-re spindin' th'
summer at frind's house.'
"Gin'rally we lade a life iv quite an' iligant luxury. Wud ye
like a line on me daily routine? Well, in th' mornin' a little
spin in me fifty-horse power 'Suffer-little-childher,' in th'
afthernoon a whirl over th' green wathers iv th' bay in me
goold-an'-ivory yacht, in th' avenin' dinner with a monkey or
something akelly as good, at night a few leads out iv th' wrong
hand, some hasty wurruds an' so to bed. Such is th' spoortin'
life in Rhode Island, th' home iv Roger Williams an' others not
so much. It grows tiresome afther awhile. I confess to ye,
Algernon Hinnissy, that befure th' monkey was inthrajooced, I was
sufferin' fr'm what Hogan calls onwee, which is th' same thing as
ingrowin' money. I had got tired iv puttin' new storeys on me
cottage an' ridin' up in th' ilivator fr'm th' settin' room on
th' eighth flure to th' dinin' room on th' twinty-ninth, I didn't
care about ayether thrap-shootin' or autymobillin', I felt like
givin' a cawrnation dinner to th' poor iv th' village an' feedin'
thim me polo ponies, I didn't care whether th' champagne bar'ls
was kept iced, whether th' yacht was as long as th' wan ownded be
th' Ginger Snap king nex' dure, whether I had three or tin millyon
dollars in me pants pocket in th' mornin' or whether th' Poles in
th' coal mine was sthrikin' f'r wan dollar an' forty-siven or wan
dollar an' forty-eight cints a day. I was tired iv ivrything.
Life had me be th' throat, th' black dog was on me back. I felt
like suicide or wurruk. Thin come th' bright idee iv me young
frind an' th' monkey saved me. He give me something to live f'r.
Perhaps we too may be monkeys some day an' be amusin'. We don't
talk half as loud or look half as foolish or get dhrunk half as
quick, but give us a chanst. We're a young people an' th' monkeys
is an old, old race. They've been Newportin' f'r cinchries. Sure
that ol' la-ad who said man was descinded fr'm monkeys knew what
he was talkin' about. Descinded, but how far?
"Now, don't go gettin' cross about th' rich, Hinnissy. Put up
that dinnymite. Don't excite ye'ersilf about us folks in Newport.
It's always been th' same way, Father Kelly tells me. Says he:
'If a man is wise, he gets rich an' if he gets rich, he gets
foolish, or his wife does. That's what keeps th' money movin'
around. What comes in at th' ticker goes out at th' wine agent.
F'river an' iver people have been growin' rich, goin' down to some
kind iv a Newport, makin' monkeys iv thimsilves an' goin' back to
th' jungle. 'Tis a steady pro-cission. Aisy come, lazy go. In
ivry little hamlet in this broad land, there's some man with a
broad jaw an' th' encouragement iv a good woman, makin' ready to
shove some other man off his steam yacht. At this very minyit
whin I speak, me frind Jawn Grates has his eye on Hankerbilk's
house. He wud swing a hammock in th' woodshed this year, but nex'
he may have his feet up on th' bannister iv th' front stoop. Whin
a captain iv industhry stops dhrinkin' at th' bar, he's near his
finish. If he ain't caught in his own person, th' constable will
get to his fam'ly. Ye read about th' union iv two gr-reat
fortunes. A dollar meets another dollar, they are conganial, have
sim'lar tastes, an' manny mutual frinds. They are marrid an' bring
up a fam'ly iv pennies, dimes, thirty-cintses an' countherfeits.
An' afther awhile, th' fam'ly passes out iv circylation. That's
th' histhry iv it,' says Father Kelly. 'An',' says he,' I'm glad
there is a Newport,' he says. 'It's th' exhaust pipe,' he says.
'Without it we might blow up,' he says. 'It's th' hole in th' top
iv th' kettle,' he says. 'I wish it was bigger,' he says."
"Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "we are as th' Lord made us."
"No," said Mr. Dooley, "lave us be fair. Lave us take some iv th'
blame oursilves."