"What's goin' on this week in th' papers?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Ivrything," said Mr. Dooley. "It's been a turbylint week. I can
hardly sleep iv nights thinkin' iv th' doin's iv people. Th'
campinily at Venice has fallen down. 'Twas built in 1604 be th'
Beezantiums an' raystored in 1402 be th' Dogs. It fell down because
th' foundations was weak, because th' wind blew, because th'
beautiful figure iv th' goolden angel on top iv it was fifteen
feet high. It will be rebuilt or maybe not. Th' king iv Italy
has given thirty-three billion liars to put it up again, an' siv'ral
ladin' American archytects have offered to do th' job, makin' an
office buildin' iv it. Th' campinily was wan iv th' proudest
monymints iv Italy an' was used as a bell-tower at times, an' at
other times as a gazabo where anny American cud take a peek at th'
gran' canal an' compare it with th' Erie, th' Pannyma an' th'
dhrainage iv the same name.
"Th' king iv England is betther. He's off in his yacht. So ar-re
Laking, Treves, Smith, Barlow, Jones, Casey, Lister, thank Hiven!
A hard life is science. Th' Hon'rable Joseph Choate is raycoverin'
more slowly. He still sobs occas'nally in his sleep an' has
ordhered all th' undher sicreties to have their vermyform appindixes
raymoved as a token iv rayspict f'r th' sthricken nation. Th'
Hon'rable Whitelaw Reid is havin' a cast iv his knee breeches made,
which will be exhibited in New York durin' th' comin' winter.
"Me frind, J. Pierpont Morgan, has been takin' dinner with th'
Impror Willum. It is undherstud he will presint him to th'
Methropolytan Museem iv Art. There are said to be worse things
there.
"Lord Salisberry has thrun up his job. Lord Salisberry was wan
iv th' grandest an' mos' succissful statesmen iv modhren times.
He niver did annything. He is succeeded be his nevvew, Misther
Balfour, if I get th' name right, who has done less. It is expicted
that Misther Balfour will have a good time. On rayceivin' th'
congrathylations iv his colleague, Misther Chamberlain, he bought
himsilf a rayvolver an' took out a policy on his life.
"A lady down east woke her husband up to tell him there was a
burglar in th' house. Th' foolish woman. They'se always burglars
in th' house. That's what burglars are f'r, an' houses. Instead
iv argyin' th' pint in a loud voice, coughin' an' givin' th' burglar
a chance to lave with dignity, this man got up an' was kilt. Now
th' pa-apers with th' assistance iv th' officers iv th' law has
discovered that th' lady took a boat ride with a gintleman frind
in th' summer iv sixty-two, that she wanst quarreled with her
husband about th' price iv a hat, that wan iv her lower teeth is
plugged, that she wears a switch an' that she weeps whin she sees
her childher. They'se a moral in this. It's ayether don't wake
a man up out iv a sound sleep, or don't get out iv bed till ye
have to, or don't bother a burglar whin ye see he's busy, or kill
th' iditor. I don't know which it is.
"Willum Jennings Bryan is readin' me frind Grover Cleveland out
iv th' party. He's usin' the Commoner to read him out. That's a
sure way.
"Mary MeLane has been in town. I didn't see her, me place not
bein' a raysort f'r th' young an' yearnin', an' especially me
duckin' all lithry ladies iv whativer sex. Mary McLane is th'
author iv a book called: 'Whin I am older I'll know betther.' Ye
ought to read it, Hinnissy.
"Th' Newport season is opened with gr-reat gayety an' th' aim
iv rayturnin' husbands is much more sure.
"Gin'ral Bragg fr'm up in Wisconsin has been gettin' into throuble
with our haughty allies, th' Cubians, he writin' home to his wife
that ye might as well thry to make a whistle out iv a pig's tail
as a dacint man out iv a Cubian. Gin'ral Bragg will be bounced
an' he ought to be. He don't belong in pollytics. His place is
iditor iv a losin' newspaper.
"Gov'nor Taft has been in Rome showin' th' wurruld how succissful,
sthraightforward, downright, outspoken, manly, frank, fourteen
ounces to th' pound American business dalings can be again' th'
worn-out di-plomacy iv th' papal coort. Whin last heerd fr'm
this astoot an' able man, backed up be th' advice iv Elihoo Root
iv York state, was makin' his way tow'rd Manila on foot, an' siv'ral
mimbers iv th' colledge iv cardinals was heerd to regret that
American statesmen were so thin they cudden't find anything to
fit thim in his thrunk.
"Cholera is ragin' in th' Ph'lippeens vice Gin'ral Jake Smith,
raymoved.
"Th' stock market is boomin' an' business has become so dull
elsewhere that some iv th' best known outside operators ar-re
obliged to increase th' depth iv th' goold coatin' on th' brick
to nearly an inch.
"Th' capital iv th' nation has raymoved to Eyesther Bay, a city
on th' north shore iv Long Island, with a popylation iv three
millyion clams, an' a number iv mosquitos with pianola attachments
an' steel rams. There day be day th' head iv th' nation thransacts
th' nation's business as follows: four A.M., a plunge into th'
salt, salt sea an' a swim iv twenty miles; five A.M., horse-back
ride, th' prisidint insthructin' his two sons, aged two and four
rayspictively, to jump th' first Methodist church without knockin'
off th' shingles; six A.M., wrestles with a thrained grizzly bear;
sivin A.M., breakfast; eight A.M., Indyan clubs; nine A.M., boxes
with Sharkey; tin A.M., bates th' tinnis champeen; iliven A.M.,
rayceives a band iv rough riders an' person'lly supervises th'
sindin' iv th' ambylance to look afther th' injured in th' village;
noon, dinner with Sharkey, Oscar Featherstone, th' champeen
roller-skater iv Harvard, '98, Pro-fissor McGlue, th' archyologist,
Lord Dum de Dum, Mike Kehoe, Immanuel Kant Gumbo, th' naygro pote,
Horrible Hank, t' bad lands scout, Sinitor Lodge, Lucy Emerson
Tick, th' writer on female sufferage, Mud-in-the-Eye, th' chief
iv th' Ogallas, Gin'ral Powell Clayton, th' Mexican mine expert,
four rough riders with their spurs on, th' Ambassadure iv France
an' th' Cinquovasti fam'ly, jugglers. Th' conversation, we larn
fr'm wan iv th' guests who's our spoortin' iditor, was jined in
be th' prisidint an' dealt with art, boxin', lithrachoor,
horse-breakin', science, shootin', pollytics, how to kill a mountain
line, di-plomacy, lobbing, pothry, th' pivot blow, rayform, an'
th' campaign in Cubia. Whin our rayporther was dhriven off th'
premises be wan iv th' rough riders, th' head iv th' nation was
tachin' Lord Dum de Dum an' Sicrety Hay how to do a hand-spring,
an' th' other guests was scattered about th' lawn, boxin', rasslin',
swingin' on th' thrapeze, ridin' th' buckin' bronco an' shootin'
at th' naygro pote f'r th' dhrinks--in short enjyin' an ideel day
in th' counthry.
"An' that's all th' news," said Mr. Dooley. "There ye ar-re jus'
as if ye cud read. That's all that's happened. Ain't I a good
newspaper? Not a dull line in me. Sind in ye'er small ads."
"Sure, all that's no news," said Mr. Hennessy, discontentedly.
"Hasn't there annything happened? Hasn't anny wan been--been
kilt?"
"There ye ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "Be news ye mane misfortune.
I suppose near ivry wan does. What's wan man's news is another
man's throubles. In these hot days, I'd like to see a pa-aper
with nawthin' in it but affectionate wives an' loyal husbands an'
prosp'rous, smilin' people an' money in th' bank an' three a day.
That's what I'm lookin' f'r in th' hot weather."
"Th' newspapers have got to print what happens," said Mr. Hennessy.
"No," said Mr. Dooley, "they've got to print what's diff'rent.
Whiniver they begin to put headlines on happiness, contint, varchoo,
an' charity, I'll know things is goin' as wrong with this counthry
as I think they ar-re ivry naytional campaign."